Sickness and Grief

I've been swimming in emotions since just before my birthday, since last year at that time is when my Dad took ill, and then next came his birthday, and 2 days ago the one year anniversary of his death.

I came back from PCB having had a nice time away from these thoughts, although I cried my eyes out on the balcony the night before I left in anticipation of the death anniversary. And since I've been having all the remodeling done in my house and people occupying it, I've had another distraction from my own emotions.

I had another good cry on Monday after returning from PCB, but it wasn't that bad, because I was so tired from lack of sleep that it kind of balanced things out.

Tuesday, the death anniversary, was surprisingly calm for me, and it really made me feel good to be with some of my family.

Wednesday morning I woke up to feeling sick in the same way I was last year at Thanksgiving. I knew that it was a result of all the grief and emotional processing, and I didn't think I would ever feel that awful again, but there it was. I managed to get through the work day OK since the contractors had returned so I didn't really have the freedom to walk around and cry, and I also didn't have the freedom to just lay in bed and be physically sick! I felt so awful at one point, that I could feel my eyelids trying to shut on me just to block everything out, even if I didn't sleep. I laid in bed for about 15 minutes so my eyes could shut and I could be in the moment with both the physical and emotional pain, but then got up and back at work because I had to.

On Wednesday afternoon, I was busy working and listening in on a conference call and web broadcast, and within minutes of one another I got phone calls from the estate lawyer and a grief counselor that has been following up with me over the past year (I've requested this to continue for a few months). I couldn't talk to either of them right then, and at the same time I wanted to scream and cry and tell them everything that has been going on and how sad I am and how helpless I feel.

Yesterday I was finally able to speak with the grief counselor, and I explained to her that I had become physically sick, and felt just like I did a year ago when the immediate pain of grief was on me. She assured me that all of this is normal, that the death anniversary is a trigger that sets you back. I told her that my triggers began about 2 weeks ago, and now I get to continue on into Thanksgiving and Christmas, although I've been through them once without my Dad. Last year the holidays were absolutely terrible. I am really hoping it's not as bad this time around, because I feel absolutely awful, and I don't think I can handle another 2 months of this. I told her I've been effectively unable to train the way I want to, which just compounds the bad feelings even further. She was kind enough to remind me that I had come a long way since a year ago and that all of these feelings I'm having now are perfectly normal.

Normal! Big fucking deal! It's normal to feel like complete and total crap! The counselor told me that this will pass, too. In my heart I know it will, and I know that every little thing that goes wrong right now just amplifies the feelings I'm having, and that there's nothing I can do about anything external to me, even though those things are stressing the hell out of me. I am trying to dig deep into my heart and soul and convince myself that things are going to be OK again--that I will feel alive, hopeful and happy. That is all I want for the time being. Right now I feel dead, hopeless and very sad. I am doing the things that I need to do to be alive--that's about it. Writing stuff down helps in a way because it helps me capture a point in time. I know that when I am speaking with friends about myself that I do not have much clarity, and I'm swinging between one thing and the other, changing my mind on decisions that I thought were solid, and being generally dysfunctional, much like I felt a year ago.

I slept maybe 2 hours last night. I am pretty drained. At least today, though, there will be no other people in my house. If I need to decide to call in sick to work today, I can do that. My eyes already want to close on me but not to sleep just to not see and not feel.

I am very frightened of Thanksgiving coming up because my house stuff will be finished, and I'll be left here, all alone, with something that I should be enjoying, right? And then I'll jump right back into remembering that Dad isn't here, but maybe I can remember 2 years ago when he and I shared Thanksgiving dinner in my home. Maybe I'll cook what I cooked for him then. I know I'll always remember how much he loved me and wanted me to be happy.

I'm trying. It's very difficult right now, but I'm trying.

What it's About

Yesterday was the one-year anniversary of the death of my Dad. I began experiencing the repeat sadness Sunday night while I was still in PCB. I've since deduced that I have a 2-day rule when it comes to these things--I have anticipatory grief 2 days before. I didn't have it in me to be too sad on Monday because I was so tired from lack of sleep, but I didn't feel well, and so it helped to sit down and recap my trip to PCB since it was filled with laughter and happiness and all that is positive and good in the world.

Yesterday I returned to work, and while I felt mentally pretty much good, inside me my body was churning and wrestling with me trying to make me feel bad. I am very familiar with the physical sensation of grief. For me, it's like someone has cut a hole in my stomach, put a vise on my heart, and turned my arm and leg muscles to jello. I did swim in the morning, but made it short, as my emotions went from complete joy in thinking about my nice little vacation, causing me to laugh hysterically, to the feelings of sadness, which made it hard to breathe and I had to fight off tearing up in my goggles.

Around 12:45, I went for a ride on LGL. It was a beautiful day, and very unusual weather for November. We are having Indian Summer now! Because my muscles did not wish to work for me, I could not ride hard at all, but that was OK. It was just nice to be outdoors in the sunshine, and it occurred to me that I should always go for a bike ride on my Dad's death anniversary, since that is the exercise that he took up in his 70's to maintain some sort of cardiovascular fitness. So I rode about 1:30, and it did make me feel better.

I'd called my brother, Mike, before I left for PCB and asked if he'd want to go out for dinner yesterday, and he had, and I called him early in the day to be sure we were still good to go. I decided to also invite his daughter (my niece), Michelle. Michelle asked if her fiance, Jeff, could come too, and I said sure.

We all met at Pappadeaux's, which is near to where Michelle lives, and not far from me. Before Michelle and Jeff arrived, I ordered this great Bloody Mary, which included hand-stuffed bleu cheese olives:

It was tasty, tasty. Below is a picture of all of us, from left to right, Mike, me, Michelle and Jeff.


Here's just me enjoying my cocktail:

Here's Michelle with her Dad, my brother Mike:

Below are Michelle and Jeff, who are to be married on 9/20/2009, which they both informed me is the day after International Talk Like a Pirate Day. They said they tried to get their reception place and everything exactly on 9/19, but were unable to. But they said it's easy for their friends to remember far in advance when the wedding will be! I asked if they were going to dress as pirates, and unfortunately, no. But Jeff tells me that both Pirate and Ninja (apparently, there is a cosmic battle going on between Ninjas and Pirates) wear will be prominent amongst the guests! I'm excited for their impending marriage, as it's been quite awhile since anyone in my immediate or extended family has gotten married, and it will give me an excuse to sew a really nice dress or two.

When all was said and done, basically we just got together and had dinner together. Mike and I talked a bit about Dad before Michelle and Jeff arrived, but over dinner we just had normal conversation. And that is the point. Life is about being with people you love. Period. All the other crap like what you do for a living, hobbies, administrative nonsense, are just filler. Of course, the more of those things you can do with people you love, the better.

Which is why I've been filling my free time over the last 7 weeks or so being with people I love, even though many of them do not live near me. It is the best thing, and it's what gets me through all the other times when I can't be with them for whatever reason.

This morning I registered for Ironman Kansas 70.3, and now I need some of those people I love (none of them pictured above) to register, too, or make time to come and spectate! I had wanted another 1/2 Ironman in my schedule before IMLP, and now I've got it! I'll have a jam-packed schedule beginning with Triple T and ending with Ironman Canada (see my sidebar for the schedule), but I'm now getting excited about all of it since I'll be with people I love at each of them!

It's ironic that someone made a remark about me to a friend of mine on the order of, "Do you want to end up like her?" What does that mean? I think I'm "ending up" in a good way! Sure, there are my Crackheaded adventures, not all of which I make public, and sure I can be a bit of an exhibitionist at times (although I always say that when I no longer look good in skimpy attire I will stop that noise), and it is true that I absolutely love to laugh and giggle and get other people around me to laugh and enjoy themselves, but what's wrong with any of that? At the core of all this is that I love being with people that I love. And it's important to me to find as many of them as I can. We all need to feel loved and give it back. That's it. That's what this thing called life is about. And when you think about someone you loved that is gone, keep living and loving.

Ironman Florida Spectating and Nothing Report

Click on the post title to get to the HUMONGOUS Flickr folder with all kinds of pics that chronicle my time in beautiful Panama City Beach, Florida. The pic above is Cindy and I on race day out doing our spectating thing.

I was so lucky to stay with Shelley and her family, who you will see in many of the photos, particularly her son, Eric. Eric and his Dad spent a lot of time golfing, but then we all hung out at the pool, the expo, the Gatorade swim and various other locations.

Here's a brief summary of the good stuff that happened:

Wednesday: I arrived, Shelley picked me up. Shelley gave me some birthday gifts (naughty panties and some other pink stuff), and I gave her some pink stuff from Trashy Cat. I went for a 1-hour bike ride on the course with Shelley and her friend, Dennis. Shelley had a technical, which we were able to repair in order to get back, and we got new seat post bolts on the way home so she was good to go for race day. Wednesday evening, Shelley made one of her amazing dinners, which we ate out on the balcony looking at the sunset. Shelley, Eric and I went to Walmart for provisions, and while there, we had fun in the ladies' bra department. I got a new Barbie that came with "TV Cooking Show" accoutrements. Eric played the trumpet.

Thursday: Eric, his Dad (Jeff) and I volunteered at the Gatorade swim. I got a cool shirt from Tom Ziebart. I had fun watching the athletes doing their thing (and sometimes laughed at them or with them). Shelley, Jeff and I went to a winery and tasted many wines, none of them made from grapes! The winer is the Panama City Beach Winery. Check them out! I bought a case of the tomato/chile pepper and 6 bottles each of coconut and passion fruit. I had mine shipped home, since it was cheaper than paying for it to fly on the airplane with me! I also got some nice Caribbean hot sauces. Shelley bought a few bottles of some other wines to take back home. The wine tasting set us up for a nice afternoon of hanging at the pool and walking along the beach. Shelley had some more training to do in the afternoon, and so I opted for a long walk down the beach to visit with Brett, his wife Courtney, and their twins. It was really nice and peaceful walking down the beach. When everyone got back, we had another great dinner care of Shelley's cooking.

Friday: This was a jam-packed day! It began with Shelley organizing her race crap and me organizing what i was going to need for the day. Shelley, Jeff and Eric all went and volunteered at the Gatorade swim, and I suited up to swim 1/2 the course myself and then run afterwards. After that, we all went and ate breakfast/lunch at Waffle House. Eric and Jeff went golfing, and since it was such a gorgeous day, Shelley and I went down to the pool and ended up taking a nice, long walk on the beach together, talking and laughing. I was wearing a thong, and some guy (Pumpkin Man) was behind us walking enjoying the view. We chatted with him and continued along on our way. On the way back to the condo, I saw a sailboat that seemed perfect for some hot photos, and so we posed and snapped away! Then Shelley needed to check her bike in, and I tried sneaking into transition with Eric's bike, but it didn't have numbers so they wouldn't let me in with the bike, so I handed the bike over the fence, jumped it, parked it, and then went back in with just a wristband from IMLP. Got a few pics of Shelley and Maria, and then we all went back to the condo to hang at the pool some more. I put the thong swimsuit back on, Shelley and I took another walk, and I ended up crawling through a sand tunnel! One woman didn't think I'd fit, but the men could tell that I would, and so I went through and Shelley took great pics there. Back at the pool, I was then kicked out for wearing a thong, but it was late anyway, so our pool time was over. Shelley made another kick-ass dinner which would set her up for race day. I really liked her garlic bread. I tell ya--people that love garlic are good in my book always! Next, Shelley and I dressed up as if we were Halloweening, but we ended up only making some of the athletes a bit nervous (I guess that was my fault--thong swimsuit with thigh high stockings and a tutu and crown???) and then walking down the main road a bit strutting our stuff. Finally, returning home, we had to get Shelley to sleep early for race day. It was Halloween, though, and we were watching Poltergeist, and I finally had to turn it off because I didn't want any nightmares.

Saturday: Race day!!! My plan was to sneak into transition with Shelley, then watch the swim start and then get Jeff to drive me out onto the bike course to do some riding, and then wait for Shelley to finish 1/2 marathon and then sort of jump onto the course myself and run 13 miles or so, just for training. Getting into transition was a snap with my handy IMLP wristband, and I even pumped up some athlete's tires. I gave Shelley a short massage to get her loosened up, and then I went down to the Gulf to watch things kick off. It was, as are all Ironman starts, a true spectacle! Funny thing was that the people who lined up right on the buoys got out about 25 yards and hit a sandbar and all had to stand up and walk! I got a good pic of that! Then I hung out waiting for my peeps to come out of the swim, and I caught most of them in action with good swim times! Next I walked back to the condo, where Jeff and Eric already were, and Eric made us all a great breakfast of scrambled eggs, hash browns and peppers! I didn't really feel like I needed all that food, but what the heck, I'm doing some exercise! Jeff then drove us out onto the place I thought would be good for me to start riding (I had David Greenfield, who I've known for several years, of Elite Bicycles, give me as good a position as possible) on Eric's bike, which is a road bike with toe clips. The place I picked was at about mile 59 of the course, which was perfect! I had initially thought about riding the course in reverse, but I ended up riding in the race! It was fucking totally fun, except for observing all the cheating going on. And I mean blatant cheating! But what was also fun was that me being out there fucked with a few people's heads, particularly the men. Women were all like, "Great job!" One guy asked if he could ask me my swim split, and I flipped him off. Some German chic shouted something at me in German which I imagined was cursing. I kept totally to the right so I didn't obstruct anyone's racing, and actually rode at about 19-20MPH most of the time, so I knew it was going to be a fast race for everyone. I hadn't ridden 60 miles in weeks, but I managed it just fine, on a gorgeous, gorgeous day, and then I had to do some fancy footwork to avoid the transition area and get back to the condo. I stopped by the Elite tent to hang with David and his wrenches, and decided I'd put on a swimsuit to come out and cheer until I was ready to run. I even drank 2 beers! Cindy came by, and that was awesome, and I also met Bigun and his wife. My Brazil bikini was very popular with both racers and spectators. I ran with some random people just to get them motivated. I met Peter Kotland, who has the course record for the Ultraman double marathon at 5:33. Unbelievable! There was much laughing and cheering, it was totally fun. I figured about when Shelley would be returning from her half marathon, so I ran upstairs to suit up for my own run. I may end up appearing in official race photography! The spectators were all cheering for me as I ran, which was both cool and weird. I hadn't run 13 miles since NothingMan, and wasn't sure I could, but I ended up doing about 15 which was cool. I tried to get into the condo to change since I was cold for underdressing for the night chill, but spazzed out on opening the combination lock for awhile, and so I missed seeing Shelley cross the finish line, which pissed me off. But she came back and Eric and I helped her shoes and socks off her tired feet, and she didn't eat anything. I had a few beers and rustled up a sandwich because I was still hungry and thirsty, and got to bed around 11:00PM. I hoped Shelley would wake up hungry because I went to bed hungry and knew I'd be starving in the morning!

Here's how my peeps did in the race:

Adam:

33

09:07:41

BROWN

ADAM

M25-29

2/111

Forrest:

534

11:01:41

FOWLER

FORREST

M50-54

29/173

Brett:

563

11:06:02

CORNWRIGHT

WILLIAM

M35-39

97/351

Shelley:

1666

13:40:03

MCKEE

SHELLEY

W45-49

56/91

Maria:

1272

12:34:34

EID

MARIA

W40-44

47/99

Sunday: This was play day! It began by, of course, a visit to Waffle House for breakfast. All of us were hungry, and managed to eat a bunch of food! Next, we went back to the expo so Shelley could get her some FINISHER CRAP!!! There was a really long line, because they would only let in like 4 people at a time, and I saw a table with nothing on it and offered to give Shelley a massage while we waited (Jeff stood guard for our place in line). I worked on her head, face and neck pretty well, but only one leg! I never did finish that massage, so I guess I owe her one! I ended up getting an IMFL beanie, that I really love, and some socks. After expo, it was time for more beach, Gulf and sun, as it was the most beautiful day so far! At sunset, we ran into our neighbors and hung with them a bit and had some beers, and then finally, Shelley and her family and I had dinner at Hammerheady's. We had a lot of hoots there, and then went back to the condo to do laundry and pack. I had to take apart the Barbie thing in order to cram it into one of my bags.

Monday: This basically consisted of wake up, final pack, load the car and go. I was truly sad to leave such a beautiful place, but even more so to leave a great friend that I don't get to see very often. But Shelley and I will see one another soon, I hope, and maybe we can just hang out and train! I think Eric might miss me, too, but he's 14, and any day now, I am sure he will not be liking his Iron Auntie as much anymore, but I hope he never outgrows it, because he's such a good kid and I really like him! My flights home were uneventful, and I'm really tired, and luckily I get a massage tonight.

Tomorrow will be a somber day as it's the 1-year anniversary of my Dad's death, but he would be happy knowing that I FINALLY took a freaking vacation and spent it with great people! So although I know I'll be shedding some tears tonight and tomorrow, I also know that I know some of the most wonderful people in the world, and am grateful for everything that I do have right now.

The Ironman lifestyle is a great thing. Sometimes I forget it, but this past several days just reinforced how much I love this sport and the people in it.

Have a great week! Below are my feet the day after, still looking awesome. I must have been commenting on something else I was looking at!