A Little Bit "Thinky" Today

Got up this morning after sleeping OK, although not great. I use Infinit on my ride yesterday, and it's been awhile (um...2 weeks) since I've been wired on all the caffeine, so it took some work to get to sleep, but that's just the price I pay.

I looked at the radar (I HEART Doppler), and saw a storm that looked to be well north pounding Madison, Wisconsin, among other areas to the north. It didn't look like it was going to sag too far south, so I had 2 cups of coffee, a Powerbar, and suited up to go swim.

While riding to the pool, a number of things were swirling in my head. Maybe it was all the negative ions in the air with storms just to the north. Maybe it was because my legs were telling me I was nuts to be on a bike right now (there were times yesterday when my left IT band was screaming at me and my right VMO), and that I was so tired that maybe I should just take a day off from training.

I started asking myself why do I do this? That happens periodically. Should I be doing something else? Is this taking away from more important things? Do I really think that in the big scheme of things this bike ride, this swim workout, means anything? It looked like it might rain. I can turn around whenever I want and just bag it all. I could just ride the bike a few miles and call it a short bike workout and skip the swim. Why do I do this? And I just kept riding. What's the worse thing that can happen? I get caught in a rainstorm. Been there, done that. All day! It wouldn't bother me for it to happen right now. Keep riding. Why do I do this? Look at all the people in their cars, many of them driving to work. I'm riding a bike! To a pool! So what my legs are tired and sore, so what that I'll probably swim like shit. I've got plenty of time before I need to be working, what else would I be doing? I didn't wear a shirt over my swim top because it was pretty warm already and I'd just get it all sweaty anyway and maybe I wouldn't need to wear a shirt home, either. Maybe it's going to rain. Whatever. It's just rain. Not like rain is going to ruin my day today. I feel hungry. Maybe I didn't stuff down enough calories after yesterday's ride. I did get out of bed at 10:30PM and ate another hamburger pretty much in my sleep because I needed something. Oh--I'm making my shortcut through the loser pool's parking lot. Thank God I don't have to swim there--it's only 25 yards. Outdoors, yes, but only 25 yards. Loser pool!

I get to my pool and there are a good number of cars in the parking lot, and only 1 bike. Hmmm...maybe everyone thought it was going to rain? Whatever, now I get to swim. Get on deck and see a number of happy faces of people I know...some that I only see at the pool. I wonder if they ever ask themselves why they do this. I pick a lane, get in, and yeah, oh shit, am I tired! I need to breathe every stroke I'm so tired. But my legs feel good in the water! I swim 200 meters and then kick 200 meters and then Thor goes off. Everyone out of the pool! The skies didn't really look that bad, and we couldn't see lightning or hear thunder, but still...a few more swimmers arrive only to see that we've all gotten out of the pool, and we chat. Is it for real? The skies begin to darken up, someone has Doppler on their phone, and yeah, it's coming for us now. I should have jumped on Chuck to load my bike in his car and drive me home, but now the clouds are coming fast, and I literally jump in the shower and rinse off thinking I can make it home before it hits. No such luck! The skies open up and the lightning show begins. It's actually pretty spectacular! Everyone else is leaving in their cars...I figure it can't go on forever and I can wait it out. I realize that one gift I've received from doing this Ironman thing is that I can be pretty relaxed in situations like this. I do a little stretching and chat with the guards, who ask me if there's someone they can call for me. I tell them, no, I have a phone, and besides, I just need to wait for the lightning to stop and I'll ride home in the rain if I have to. I mean, I did an entire Ironman in the rain! No big deal to ride in the rain today--just 5.3 miles. Worst case scenario is I call a cab and load my bike in there. I can wait a little more. The guards ask me about the distances in an Ironman and I tell them. They look at me like it's pretty far and ask how I train. A lot. I tell them I really like the training and am very lucky that I can do it. I go and look outside again and it looks like the lightning has stopped, so I tell them I'm going to leave and hope they have a nice day.

The rain has pretty much stopped (it was about a 1-hour wait), and I get back on the bike, and my legs still hurt, but it's not raining--I'm just getting a little road spray and tree drip is all. And now instead of asking myself why I do this I'm thinking that life is like the weather--storms drop in every now and then, and if you are just willing to watch them and see them for all they are, which is sometimes destructive and sometimes beautiful, in the end you know they pass and everything is all right. Sometimes there is damage afterwards, but you just pick up and keep going. And you know there will be other storms and maybe they will somehow interrupt your life temporarily, but you'll get through them. And sometimes you get to see really beautiful rainbows. And you can't plan for the storms. They just happen!

I made it home just fine. A few minutes after I got inside it started raining again. I guess it's just going to be a rainy day today. Oh well! I swam 400 meters and biked about 10.5 miles already, and I'm going to go for a run. No, not in the rain. On the treadmill.

The I Want to Tell Everyone to Fuck Off part of Tapering

Well, I knew it would happen eventually...life conspired to fuck some things up, and it looks like I will be driving myself to Lake Placid. In a way, it's a good thing--I can bring whatever the hell I want, and do it the way I want. In another way, it totally fucking sucks. It's a long trip! The way back I am sure will be hell, but then I get to pick when I want to leave and head home and I may make a stop on the way back.

Other than that, I am trying to chill. I swam this morning, after waiting for thunderstorms to roll through. I went to the outdoor pool (drove), and Lou was there, and while we were waiting for fucking Thor to settle down, we had a lot of time to chat about all things functional exercise. I really enjoy talking to Lou. If you think I am Crackheaded, well, amp that up by a factor of about 10 and you would have Lou. I am really glad I met him.

So anyway, Thor finally gets his fucking shit together and we are allowed to swim. I had about 3/4 of the pool to myself. It was great! I wore my pink whore suit, which drew looks from anyone else brave enough to show up. I just did some drills and whatnot. 1600 meters. It was fun, and I wished I had more time to stay and just lollygag.

Around noon I headed out to run and it didn't feel too bad, in fact I ran the first 2 miles really fast, even though I was holding back. And then my body said FUCK THIS as it was fucking hot and humid, and I started to feel like shit, as I couldn't cool myself down. But I struggled, and I had to stop and soak my hat in cold water, and when I looked at my watch, I realized I wasn't going to make it back home for this business call and what the fuck am I supposed to do? I'm looking for anyone with a cell phone, and I thought I'd try and break into a church, but all the doors are locked, so I'm like what the fuck, I kept going until I got to the Y and asked if I could use their phone for a toll-free call, and they, of course (they are SO nice to me all the time!) said yes. So I'm sitting in a chair dripping like a mofo and doing business and that thing worked out.

I run home and then I get the notification that I am now on my own for transportation to Lake Placid. Nice. I am really, really pissed, but I am dealing. I briefly looked at flights, and while I might be able to get one, the hassle of getting myself to the airport, packing the bike box, limiting my luggage, renting a car from Albany or bumfuck somewhere in the Northeast, I just am not up for that, so it's a long, long drive.

Right now I am feeling pretty much like shit. There is always a point during taper where you have to just start letting emotions out, and this is it. It's my 11th Ironman, and I'm an orphan, and I am going there by myself and it sucks. Makes me think about the life I've chosen for myself and whether all this crap is worth it, and as usual, I hope some of this is just taper shit and I'll be fine once I get there. It's just one of those times when I wish there was someone--family member, boyfriend, friend, whatever--who was HERE RIGHT NOW and could help me out with some of this shit. It's another fucking test. It always comes down to that. I know I'm feeling sorry for myself and gee, wouldn't it be fucking stupid to let this get to me when I have a race to do?

YES. So I'm going to go have cocktails. Attitude adjustment should help! In the big scheme of things, I have a swim race tomorrow, a sprint on Sunday and plenty of time to pack my shit and be ready. The only hitch in the plan now is a lot of driving by myself. Oh well! I just have to get over my disappointment and move on.

On the bright side, I saw a beautiful rainbow today and several people asked me about my upcoming race without me saying anything. I know it will all be OK, but allow me this moment to break down a little. You know what? It's good to be breaking over about something that does not include death!