Meltdown and Reality

I knew it was coming. This whole training thing for such a monster event and everything that goes with it was weighing me down mentally. Add to that the uncertainty of being able to recover from an injury preventing me from running and well, I was really losing it the last 2 weeks.

Some of what I was experiencing is similar to what some people feel before their first Ironman--I am not training enough, I don't know whether I can finish, it's the final build and the stress is incredible. Sure, there is that, but then there is the fact that I don't have my new tri bike yet (and I am thinking a new bike just might perk me up a bit), I'm constantly shuffling/reinventing the training I am doing, I still need tons of sleep, will my foot be OK, I still only have ONE CREW MEMBER (I absolutely MUST have 2 or else I can't do this), and did I say the spectre of the distances is actually hitting home with me?

So I gave myself permission for a little blowout, which consisted of much crying, but sadly not much alcohol. I guess a little part of me knew it wouldn't be worth it to punish myself with a hangover. Isn't that retarded? I mean, when was the last time I actually had even NEAR a hangover (which is easy for me since I'm so lean)? I don't remember, but it sure was before last September.

On top of the race-related issues, there's my lawn that needs mowing (yes I could pay someone but it takes literally only 20 minutes), my flower beds need work, my work laptop is crashing so I need to make a few trips into the big city (disrupting training, you know), I need to get my car in for a tune-up, it just goes on and on.

But I will be getting a landscaper to help fix up my yard, and I will find time to get my car tuned up, which I don't mind doing as long as I can run back home and run back to pick it up. The computer thing will be over in another 2 weeks. I still don't know when I'll get the bike. THAT pisses me off.

To the good, last week I was able to do about 1.5 hours of my running outdoors on the road with NO PAIN! But still, I knew that that is still not enough to prove I am fixed. At least I haven't lost much, if any, speed. So I guess I was doing the water running right, eh? Especially since the week before I did like 7.5 hours between water running and elliptical. Insane? Well, I had scheduled a big running week, so I got it done. Although 8 hours would have been better.

So after a pathetic training week of 13.5 hours (but 7.5 were "running!"), where by the end of the week I just couldn't bike on Sunday at all, and I was so mentally beaten down, I told myself to give it one more week. Technically, last week was supposed to be a recovery week from running, but since I am paranoid about my ability to run and I muffed my biking and swimming the prior week, well, I sucked it up and reintroduced myself to the hills around my house and enjoyed a few runs outdoors. I noticed that while this was making my legs and back ache in the way only road running can, that I felt mentally a bit better. But then I had to deal with the computer thing, and I felt sunk again. Still, I justified that a Friday off from training and big swim would be fine (I swam 9K for my long swim 2 weeks before and 6500 during my pathetic week). I decided a "fun" Saturday was in order--so I did a backwards tri of a :40 swim, 2 hour ride and :30 run. That was nice. Sunday's objective was to ride 4 hours. It was really windy, but I got it done, including ending with stomach cramps, which are a rarity for me. I think it's because I switched from Infinit to Gatorade. I ended up doing almost 17 hours last week. That's a pretty solid effort.

So this week might have started out well, except that I couldn't sleep Sunday night! I don't know what triggered that. So I turned off my alarm in order to try and get maybe 2 hours--I'm not sure. Then I had to decide whether I would train at all. I was tired--not so much from the prior week's training, but from lack of sleep. I thought that I should go and run, because at least since I was tired I wouldn't try and run very fast. And I wanted to get in a swim because I barely swam the week before and wouldn't have time again until Thursday. So I headed to the Y, ended up running on the track way faster than I thought I could, and swam 3,000 yards. All while pretty tired and depleted. But the running felt good, and I even swam pretty well. Needless to say, I slept like a baby.

Tuesday the plan was to do a run in the morning and then bike. I let myself sleep in, and got in a :45 run first thing. I felt like crap at first (I ate too close to starting time), but picked it up on the way home and then it felt good. I got in a 1:30 ride mid-day, and I really punched it, and for some reason the lights came back on in my head that I am actually pretty fit, and I may as well keep going, right?

Wednesday was the real turning point, though. I had set my alarm for 5AM so I could get in 1.5 hours of pool/elliptical running followed by 1 hour of actual running, but I just couldn't do it. I still didn't really sleep in because it's light so early now. In my head, I just could not get into the pool and run! So mid-day when it was gorgeous outside, I ended up doing a 1:15 run with plenty of gentle hills. Foot feels fine, and I went to the ortho that evening and he was pleased to know that I am able to run again.

I still wanted to get in 5 hours of running this week, and so I decided that yesterday morning I would swim and do an hour of pool running, and then run some more outdoors later. This time, I was OK with the pool running since I was already there to swim first. I was plenty tired when I started my outdoor run, and maybe should have skipped it, but I got it done.

This morning I swam 9K and I am pretty tired. But mentally I am feeling much better. I am not excited about UMC--it is still a logistical nightmare in some ways, I still don't know when I will have my new bike--but I am OK with the rest of my life going to hell. But I can run! I can train! So I am just going to keep on keeping on and hope I make it to the start line with a new bike in hand, TWO crew members, and a completely healed foot. That is all I can do.

I quit weighing myself maybe 2 months (perhaps more) ago. I just eat and eat, hope I'm meeting my caloric needs and not overdoing it. Clothes fit fine, but I hate how I look. My skin is so dry from all the pool time, age is showing, and I am beating myself up in a big way. So in beginning to run outside again, I knew it would be a "come to Jesus" event in terms of where is my weight at. I can always tell when I run about where I am. Once you get used to running at a light weight, 2+ lbs. becomes VERY noticeable. Well the good news is that in running all the hills around my house, I feel at the perfect weight. I feel like I have good leg strength, and I am not thinking "this would be better if I dropped some weight." Same is true on the bike. So I must be maintaining a decent weight. Still, I don't plan to weigh myself until very close to the race. I feel pretty solid all things considered.

This weekend I am going to try and get in 8 or 9 hours of riding. It is supposed to be quite warm, which is good, since UMC might be like that. If I get through this weekend, then next week I'm taking a little taper in order to try and do a really big training weekend over the 4-day holiday weekend. What I had originally scheduled there is just psycho (if I have hopes to recover from it, that is), but I am still going to do as much of it as I can. I will use it to practice my nutrition from dawn to dusk, pacing, all that. Something tells me that if I make it through that effort, I will be good to go for UMC. Not saying UMC will be a breeze--I expect it to hurt like a mofo--but mentally I will feel like I am ready for the final push.

My guess is I will have another meltdown, but if it's not because something ELSE is going wrong, all will be good. I feel bad laying this on friends/strangers because it is all self-imposed, but somehow writing it down on my blog seems to feel like the right thing to do. I am pretty disconnected from the tri scene, Facebook, all that, right now, because I just don't have the time for it. But I will try and put updates here every so often so people know that I am alive!