Fear and Foreboding

 Watch the video--it's a classic!

I have been reluctant to say anything on my blog publicly, although I have had conversations with my closest friend in the world about how I’ve been feeling. In a word—FANTASTIC. It seems the last 2 months have been a whirlwind for me on several fronts:

·        Weathered a disappointment at work. Had thought I would get the opportunity to work closely again with an old friend who I really click with, for a local customer utilizing technology products I enjoy working with. The silver lining here is that I’ve reconnected with my friend, he and his wife are starting to do triathlons, and I will be staying with them next June for a race where I will do the Oly and they will do the sprint. And I am more than happy to provide any triathlon advice to them along the way.

·        My right foot (the one with the Morton’s Neuroma) really seems to be improving, despite the fact that I’ve been running 30-35 miles/week for the last 11 weeks. It still occasionally hurts during a long run, but it doesn’t stop me dead in my tracks. It feels like the nerve is waking up and all my toes are nearly 100% functional again.

·        I chose my 2015 races (at least through October) and built my ATP. My future coach will get around to reviewing it (although I’m sure it’s fine) after he’s done with his A-race, Ultraman Hawaii.

·        I’m staying ahead of the fall yard cleanup. Not only do I have leaves (typically 15 bags full), but also since I grow so many perennials that need to be cut down and either bagged or bundled, it is quite the project to get my yard all put away. But I enjoy doing it, as it gets me outdoors, and I can see what is going to require extra attention come spring. I do realize that in 2016 I will be in the thick of Ultraman training and will have to pay someone to do this. I’m OK with that (all part of my budget for the race).

·        I’ve been spending time with friends every weekend and making more of an effort to stay connected. Some of them I think are used to me never having time or always being in so much training that it might seem I don’t have time for them. While that’s never been strictly true, I do realize that some of them need ME to reach out to THEM instead of vice versa. I really do appreciate my friends that come after me, though. I am an introvert, so it’s really an effort for me to be making the social plans. Now, this may change a bit as I return to formal training, but it is something I am aware of and will strive to stay on top of. To be fair, I LOVE planning some things, but I appreciate it when others let me know they want to spend time with ME.

·        I’m about to start formal swim coaching. Swimming on my own continues to go really well. I’ve observed that even if I’m really tired that I can swim well! Technique improvement, you think? I’ve also noticed that my muscle recruitment patterns have changed to go along with starting to “get” the catch and pull. And that this change in recruitment is causing my body to be more balanced from left to right side. Which is great, since I am always compensating for the lack of ACL in my left knee and (to whatever extent they still are) herniated disks in my back plus the fact that I’m right-handed (and right-bodied!). I’m super excited to see how much faster I can get this season. I don’t think getting my swim to KQ territory is out of the question. That would be cool, but mostly I want to be seriously better for Ultraman.

·        My metabolism seems to be working properly. FINALLY! While I’m not training at Ironman level, it seems I can eat almost whatever I want and burn it up. And I know this sounds weird, but I can actually sense this proper functioning at a cellular level. Just from the way my muscles work when I’m training. Like the mitochondria are finally being turned on as they should.

·        All my bikes are cleaned and tuned. I am waiting for LGL to be finished, though, as we decided she needs all new cabling, and after much consternation about the color of it, I think she will look just fine. I’ll post a pic of her when I get her back later this week. I am working with someone on designing custom wheel stickers for Skull Kingdom, and think that will just make her pop even more. She was already a stunning piece of art—now she will be even better! What a nice gift to myself as I will be spending a lot of hours on her this winter on the trainer. I also got her a cool new helmet that was a bit of a big spend, but worth it. I also got new bike shoes and a friend is giving me another pair of new bike shoes that I haven’t seen yet, but am sure will get great use by me. All that’s left is to decide if I want to invest in another power meter. The jury is out on that.

Despite all of the above positives, I have this sense that life is going to come crashing down on me at any moment. This morning, I had the thought that maybe this is because I don’t have someone by my side on a daily basis that helps to “normalize” the sensations I feel. I never know whether how I feel is normal or unusual, or really what constitutes “normal” for me. Did you know I often pray at bedtime? I was raised Catholic, although I now consider myself some combination of Christian/Buddhist. At any rate, I’ve seen the universe kick the shit out of people I love, so I pray for them periodically. I never pray for myself—I only hope that others pray for me sometimes because I could sure use the help! Some of the people on my prayer list may be what you would consider my enemies—but I recognize they need help, and they have been a part of getting me to where I am today. I sometimes wonder why I never pray for myself—typically I think that’s a selfish act, and that I’ve been given the tools to do what I need to do, even if sometimes they fail me. There are people who believe that humans are inherently evil—I believe that humans are inherently good, but I know how easy it can be to fall into evil. I sometimes find myself becoming bitchy or catty. Sometimes my direct attitude comes off that way, too, even when I feel I am just being factual. I guess this is part of why I pray for others because I hope they can help me to see me from another point of view, and that’s really important to me.

I have also been engaged in a bizarre sleep pattern that I am trying to get out of. It started in August after I finally got used to waking up early for working out and for races, and I raced 4 weekends in a row. Well I just kept up that early wake schedule (3AM or earlier), but that’s not exactly conducive to a normal life. I know, I know—I should stay up really late so I sleep later. Tried that, didn’t work. I did take a nap every day while I was off from work last week. Which I really enjoyed. I’ve not been using any extra caffeine except for a Coke if I’m truly dragging ass while working. I am confident this will resolve itself, especially once I pick up more intensity in my training beginning 12/1.

I did race on Sunday—it was an 8-mile running race. I barely slept 5 hours, and I underdressed for the temps and never felt warm, so my time sucked, but I was OK with it. There was a man pacing his 13-year old daughter to her first 8-mile race at 10mpm (using a Garmin), so I just hung with them. Although I came in at 9:48 pace. It was good for me to be in the racing mode, though, as I am a little rusty on that front (like how to dress and what to eat how far before the race!). I also about puked at Mile 2 after taking a small swig of Coke that I’d brought with me. I’m sure it was comical because I was laughing and choking at the same time! But it turned out I just should have put some water in my stomach before I added Coke to it.

But here’s the weird thing—after I was finished and the next day, my legs were not at all sore like I raced. Well, technically, at 9:48 pace I didn’t. But still, no taper for this, and I’d done 2 13-mile runs 3 days apart earlier in the week, so I’m thinking my legs should have been a teensy bit sore, but NO! So how cool is that? Also, it felt like my heart rate was in the dumpster for the race. I never felt on the verge of pushing it, so all in all, it was good I showed up. My right foot hurt only a tiny bit at one point, I acknowledged it, and forgot about it. 

I am doing another 8-miler this Saturday on the exact same course, and now I’m tapering for my goal ½ marathon (Tyranena Beer Run on 11/8 in Lake Mills, Wisconsin), so theoretically I should have good legs on Saturday. If I can just get some sleep, I should be good for straight 9’s or less. At least I know that for the ½ marathon I’m good for sub-10’s (which I haven’t done in a few years) based on how easy I was able to run last Sunday.

I also signed up for a 15-mile trail run in a few weeks that I’m looking forward to just as a fun thing to do. Again, being in a run build, it’s good that I could care less about the quality of biking right now, so toeing the line at some running races is really a good thing for me.

So, putting all of the above together, I feel FUCKING AWESOME!!! Yet I still have this sense of foreboding. Someone tell me it’s going to be OK, that I’m doing OK and I should just accept it. Or, if you think I’m doing something wrong, I’m all ears for that, too. Meanwhile, I am going to stay on my current course and see where it takes me. Stay tuned!

The Metatarsalgia (Ball of Foot Pain) Post!

I got motivated to put this together after a friend announced she was diagnosed with a Morton's Neuroma. I have that, I've had capsulitis, I have Morton's Foot, high arches, you name it I have fucked up feet. But, over the years, I've done my homework and found (this is typical for things like this) that there is information spread all over the fuck place, so I am consolidating what I have found here. If this helps even one person, my work here is done!

Please pass this along to anyone who has any sort of foot pain, because although this is focused on metatarsalgia, pain anywhere in your foot needs to be evaluated on the basis of the below. Physicians won't look at all of the factors, so YOU need to! Feel free to contact me either via Facebook or blog comment if you have additional items to add to this.

Disclaimer: I am not a doctor, nor do I play one on TV. I am not telling you what to do, just what things to consider when you have this pain.

·        Possible Medical/Biomechanical Conditions:

o   Do you have Morton’s Foot? If you do, ALWAYS point this out when seeing a medical provider. If they don’t know what it is and why it affects you, find another doctor. If you do, you might benefit from metatarsal pads in both running and regular shoes. This condition alone can cause all sorts of issues, like walking/running with splayed feet, excessive supination, hip issues, etc.

o   Might you have a Morton’s Neuroma? Consider how bad it needs to get before considering surgery. Make sure you’ve read everything here before you go that route.

o   Might you have 2^nd MTP Joint Capsulitis?

o   Are you experiencing Trigger Points affecting your foot? If you are at all athletic, you should own this book and use it for ANY aches and pains you experience. Even if you have a bonafide medical condition, you will probably benefit from working on identified trigger points.

o   Do you have muscle imbalances that are propagating to your foot or caused by it? (A qualified sports physical therapist is helpful here)? These can lead to pain while running and/or biking.

o   Have you been running for many years? The fat pads wear out on everyone’s feet over time. The more you run or do impact sports, the faster this may happen.

·        Are you committing run training errors?

o   Too much volume with insufficient rest

o   Sudden increase in volume/intensity

o   Always running on hard surfaces (asphalt/concrete)—try and at least do longer runs sometimes on soft surface like trail or crushed limestone

o   Too much hill running

o   Inconsistent training

·        Running shoes:

o   Are your run shoes really sized properly? Both numeric size AND width.

o   Is there enough room in the toe box? I have Morton’s foot, and cannot wear Nike shoes due to the taper in the toe area. New Balance shoes are great, though!

o   Are you wearing the appropriate type of running shoe for your mileage and surface?

§  Do your run shoes have sufficient cushioning? Note that more is not always better, but some is good.

§  Are you really able to cope with zero drop shoes (not everyone is)?

§  If you wear orthotics, be aware that they might increase the drop, and that if they are ¾ length and you can’t keep the base insole in the shoe, you will lose some toe cushioning.

o   Are you using standard lacing? This pattern is great for metatarsalgia.

o   Are you using elastic laces? These can put pressure over the top of your foot and lead to all sorts of issues. If you do use them, you might try the alternate lacing pattern or keep them looser than you currently do.

·        Regular shoes:

o   Are your regular shoes sized properly? Both numeric size AND width.

o   Do your regular shoes have sufficient arch support?

o   If you need orthotics for running shoes, you might need enhanced insoles for your regular shoes, too.

o   Do you wear flip flops often? While there are some newer ones with actual support, the traditional variety aren’t exactly good for your feet.

o   Do your regular shoes have sufficient toe box? Pointy toed shoes and high heels are contraindicated (even for men!) as they will squeeze the toes together if you have a Morton’s Neuroma

·        Socks:

o   Are you wearing the appropriate thickness/padding socks in your bike and run shoes? You might have correct shoe size but thick socks are making them feel too tight on your feet.

o   Are your socks too tight in the toe area?

·        Do you have bike fit issues?

o   Cleat selection: Speedplays aren’t for everyone. I find that Look-type pedals spread out the force over more of my foot, and I won’t use Speedplays anymore.

o   Cleat position: A qualified bike fit professional should ensure this is right.

o   Overall bike fit, particularly saddle height: if you get this wrong, you will have all sorts of issues from neck to back to hip to foot pain.

·        Do you have more than 5 lbs. to lose? Any excess body weight will contribute to joint wear and tear, typically affecting the knees and feet first. If you want to run, be as small as possible (within safe limits).

·        Do you do strength training either under the guidance of a qualified trainer or with experience? I believe ANYONE who runs or does triathlon should do it, no matter your age.

·        Actions you can take while you sort things out:

o   Keep track of how often and under what conditions you experience the pain before seeing a physician

o   Get a sports massage. I find regular massage helpful in both validating and correcting muscular issues.

o   Add metatarsal pads to your shoes—regular, running and possibly biking.

o   Get evaluated for whether you might benefit from orthotics. There are schools of thought for and against these. Some people (like me) really DO need them.

o   Consider a cortisone shot: I would only do this once, as cortisone can destroy tissue. Best you fix the underlying issue, but one shot might get you over the hump.

o   Wear a toe separator (like you use to paint your toenails) in the evening for like ½ hour

o   Icing: If you truly have muscular issues, then icing will be beneficial

o   NSAID: Avoid overuse of these. Capsulitis and trigger points might benefit from these, but they shouldn’t be taken routinely (and especially not during races).

o   Rest from running

o   Water running

 

Rambling

I have heard that blogs are going out of fashion. Fuck that. I write because I find that when I go back and reread things that I had some clarity of thought at the time.

I had made my blog private because I thought that when I meet someone new that I didn't want them to Google me and find this blog and they go into the archives and see all these wacky pics of me and some of my prior ramblings. But you know what? That is who I am/was at the time, and I am OK with it. There is really nothing in this blog that is (pick one):

• illegal (I don't think so anyway)
• pornographic (that is a subjective statement)
• libelous 

Now, I know that there are some things I write that are inflammatory. But no more so than some of the stuff I see on social media.

Anyway, back to what I want to write about today...

I have heard in the past that the only thing anyone wants to read about on this blog is my triathlon exploits, so I shall basically stick to that with occasional sprinklings of other stuff.

I was depressed earlier this year. It got kicked off by the incredibly harsh winter here in Chicago area. I know that I experience some amount of SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder). In fact, I felt it yesterday. Monday I went for a swim (and for the first time tried something that I think might help me which was to wear a paddle only on my left hand since my left side still doesn't have as much "feel" for the water as my right and may actually be weaker), and was also supposed to run. But the week prior I was in a 3-day training class for work and couldn't work out much during it, so I had purposely stacked a lot of workouts over Friday-Sunday:

• Friday I swam 3100 and ran for 1:45
• Saturday I swam 2800, then ran :40, then rode 1:40, then ran :20, since I'm preparing for a duathlon on 9/21
• Sunday I rode about 3 hours and ran :20 off the bike

Now, if you have known me for over 3 years, the above looks like nothing compared to some of the shit I've done in the past. But here's the thing--I've learned how to manage my "total stress load" a bit better, and frankly, being in a class where I have to be all smiley and participatory wears the hell out of me, because I am intrinsically an introvert (I draw my energy from within and being with a lot of people exhausts me).


So while I swam pretty well on Monday (I am back to swimming 3x week and regaining some form and speed!), I found that I was still pretty shelled from the weekend and decided not to run. Of course, this created a mind fuck in the sense I wanted to "make up" the run, even though technically I didn't need to (I'm only training for a 1/2 marathon at this point, for fuck's sake!). Also, I was on the fucking Food Channel, even though lately I have been feeling like a total fatty.

I divert again. Remember those 13 years I spent doing Ironman-level training? I was so used to my ultra-lean self that it has been hard for me to accept a little more fat on my body. Although people are telling me I'm more muscular, which might be true since I've been the Queen of Squats for the last 2 years. In truth, I'm only 2 lbs. off my "Ironman weight," and it's all in my legs and butt.

One of the decisions (and in addition to SAD earlier this year, I decided I needed to completely change my life!) I had made earlier this year was to back off from long course triathlon. And I have. Why? Because I want there to be room in my life for romance, friends, family and a general buffer zone to account for unintentional stress.

While that was a logical decision, implementing it made me depressed, because for some reason, I didn't know what to do if I wasn't training for long course. Old habits die hard! Then I rediscovered the joy of shorter races, and found I still had some fitness. I have yet to get a 1st place in AG this year (4 2nd places), so that tells me I'm not where I want to be, but it's a start. I have done this mostly by biking less, which sucks. I FUCKING LOVE RIDING BIKES!!! But I am finding that 5-6 hours a week is still respectable.

Anyway, so I'm fat, I didn't run on Monday, I was depressed from March-June. I did go to a therapist, and she wanted me on meds. I tried some and decided I didn't want to be on that train. Mostly, I just needed time to realize that I was overloading myself with the desire to make huge life changes all at once (in addition to giving up long course triathlon, I wanted to sell my house and move and downsize and get rid of 1/2 my possessions), and wasn't cutting myself any slack. Not that I've ever been good at that!

One of my personal issues is an addiction to achievement. So when my job changed at work in April, I was thrown for an additional loop in terms of the depression, since I felt temporarily incapable of succeeding and believed the workload would get excessive. So I'm going to give up long course triathlon, sell my house, move, downsize, get rid of 1/2 my possessions and significantly change my job! No pressure! Fuck, I was really losing it. But the job thing actually helped because it caused me to focus on ONE THING and solve that problem (how I did so I will not write here), and then I was able to see that as an ACCOMPLISHMENT, which of course made me feel better about things, and once I realized I could still work and train a fair amount, I was able to see that I had overloaded myself, so I quit seeing the shrink and got on with things.

Another nice thing that helped me to be OK with no long course triathlon was being given the gift of being asked to coach a friend for a short while (or maybe it will turn into something more, who knows?). I truly do love sharing my knowledge of triathlon with anyone who wants it! And so I began this little adventure maybe 10 weeks ago, and got back onto Facebook and now here is my blog.

So you all (all 5 of you) reading this see that I am quite fallible and now I am able to be upfront about it. As for the long course triathlon, we will see how that pans out. There is still a part of me that would like to do Ultraman Hawaii since I am qualified for it. Maybe at age 60. Wouldn't that be a trip? I have tentatively agreed to do another Ironman in 2016. Or not. I do want to do a 1/2 NothingMan on Thanksgiving weekend.

Oh--about my right foot. I have a confirmed Morton's Neuroma, but it's not as bad as some people get. It only hurts at "some point" into "some runs." I also discovered that I am wearing the WRONG FUCKING SIZE RUN SHOES. Do people at running shoe stores not think to remeasure your feet when you are asking them how to fix problems? Oh well, I am figuring it out on my own. I got new custom orthotics that will help, will be changing shoe sizes again (larger size is not the answer--I need to go with wide width now), and we will see if that completely stops the foot pain. It won't FIX the neuroma, it will just help me manage it, which is all I can ask for. Then if I'm able to run 15 miles pain free, well...the next logical step would be...

OK so Monday I skipped my run. I did get it in yesterday, though, in 2 increments--:30 of really slow on my treadmill, then later I went outside for :20 hard effort followed by a 1:30 ride. I was still tired from the weekend festivities, but I needed to BE OUTSIDE since all I did on Monday was swim.

So through all this past 9 months I've learned I need to be more careful about SAD (maybe I need a light box), that I still love triathlon, that I need to workout a good amount for my own mental health (and that amount appears to be about 14 hours per week don't judge me!), that my life isn't so bad, that I can deal with this whole aging thing for now, and that I'm OK with who I am.

One of the themes of this blog is letting go of attachments. While trying to let go (or not) of an attachment to long course triathlon, I discovered that I have an attachment to achievement. Not necessarily of being #1 or some amount of something, just goal-->plan and work towards it-->achieve.  That one will be tough to break, and I may never succeed at it. Ha! I just figured out my own existential conundrum--trying to SUCCEED at being detached from SUCCESS!!!


I might not be Crackhead anymore, though. If I'm not, that's OK, and if I AM, that's OK, too!