Weekly Workout Totals 08/06/2007-08/12/2007 and The Lie that is PIDS

I bagged any workouts yesterday. I was too tired. However, today I did THREE workouts, so I'm happy!

I am still struggling with some degree of depression, but at least now I'm to the point of writing down my disordered thoughts and beginning to evaluate which are actually true and which are not, and in the process, discovering what's really at the heart of all this.

I think that Post Ironman Depression Syndrome is a just a name allowing us to have an escape tactic for a normal transitional period in our lives which requires us to take stock. It's generally handy that we reduce our training load, giving us all this wonderful extra time in which to think about our who/what/why/when stuff. I think it's healthy to do this once a year, which curiously enough, corresponds to the amount of time between IM races for most people.

I can recount almost year by year how I felt after each IM I've done:

• 2001: first IM. The euphoria lasted a loooooong time. But instead of doing a little introspection, work took care of that. I won't go into what happened, but it didn't allow me to think about anything else BUT the situation at work.
• 2002: second IM, big improvement in time, mucho euphoria, not sure I ever came down from that one. I probably didn't rest much afterwards at all, thinking I was god-like and could train even harder the next year.
• 2003: third IM, first DNF. What the fuck! How did I erase any possibility of PIDS? I signed up for (and finished) another one 6 weeks later, and then went into my next season seamlessly, kicking it off with a couple of injuries.
  
• 2004: 5th and 6th IM's, 6 weeks apart. No chance to think about anything after #5, because I had to get ready for #6, which was Hawaii. Even better, #5 was another big PR, so I was on cloud nine, and rarin' for #6. #6 went well, too (2nd best time), and it WAS Hawaii and all, and I must have been so exhausted from 2 IM's so close together that thinking about myself and my life was just out of the question.
• 2005: I'm fucking superhuman. Oops--#7 and 2nd DNF. I spiraled into darkness this time, resulting in me starting THIS BLOG. How fucked up is that? But I guess it has been a good thing, huh? So now you can all read about how messed up I am. This spate of PIDS sent me reeling for a number of months, but it resulted in me taking a different approach to life. Still lots of training, but other changes that have all been to the good.
  
• 2006: My mom died, I was sick, IM #8 was a disappointment, and I was so mentally fucked up afterwards that I just rolled with it and didn't try and diagnose or use the time as a platform for much more introspection. I was just plain sad.
• 2007: IM #9, in retrospect I think I had a pretty solid race, yet why is there this part of me that is not sitting happily with it? I'm working on that, and have some ideas...not to be revealed yet because I don't believe in blogging as a "group diagnosis" tool (although if any of you believes you have insight, comment away, I don't mind)
  

I suppose that life is a rollercoaster ride for anyone who spends any amount of time looking inside themselves, wondering if they are good enough, kind enough, smart enough, athletic enough or just plain enough to erase any and every self-doubt. In my case, the answer is NO, I don't think I ever feel like I'm "enough" anything, and yet at times too much of it all, and wish I had the gift of being stupid and not caring. But then I couldn't even think that way if I was stupid, so I guess it's a conundrum and a curse all rolled into one.

For me, though, it's good that I have chosen IM as a platform for putting myself into challenging situations, full well knowing that once it's over, I'm going to have to deal with myself in my rawest form. It's funny how lots of people think the IM itself is where you are at your most raw, but not for me--when I'm there, and I'm executing it well, it's the best damn thing on Earth, and then I think how fucked up I must be to want that. Yes, I'm still trying to replicate that outside of the races, and I think I've succeeded to a certain degree, but still I have this weird relationship to things that shouldn't feel good but do. Either that or I am just a wuss and I really don't push myself to that edge. At some level, I'm looking to achieve the state where it all feels good and there is no thought involved. I guess I have just chosen an odd pathway.

So I'm not using IM as a platform for an excuse of why I feel messed up; it's natural to have annual events that have that effect--for some, it's the end of a school year (or beginning), or an anniversary or a birthday. I will feel better once I am back in a routine. I can't stand being out of my routine, it just is how it is. We all have them even if we think we don't.

Aaaaaaaanyway...I don't even know what I'm talking about right now, but it seems right to write it down.

Weekly Workout Totals	08/06/2007-08/12/2007
Swim:	12002 yards (6.81 miles) in 4.25 hours; 25% of weekly workout time; approx. 1488 calories burned
Bike:	Approx. 134.71 miles in 8.87 hours; 51% of weekly workout time; approx. 4453 calories burned
Run:	Approx. 22.55 miles in 3.45 hours; 20% of weekly workout time; approx. 1554 calories burned
Strength:	0.73 hours; 4% of weekly workout time; approx. 183 calories burned
All Sports:	Approx. 164.07 miles in 17.3 hours; approx. 7678 calories burned
Sleep:	7.21 hours avg./night
Stretching:	1.37 hours. Massage: 1.5 hours

Wuzzup?

I haven't posted anything in a few days. Why? A little P.I.D.S. (Post Ironman Depression Syndrome) for starters. I never expect this but yet it always happens. Regardless of how jaded I may appear at times about Ironman races, the few weeks before and then the race itself get me pretty amped, and I'm running at my highest octane output, even as I work on getting my head together before the race.

The last 2 weeks before race day come on the heels of many weeks of hardcore training, and at that point, I'm used to a schedule that revolves around the training. My body is primed, my mind is primed, all systems are go, and the race is the rocket launch.

After the race come things that need to be done that I didn't have time to do with all the heavy training, but in truth are things that I don't really want to do anyway, if that makes sense. Like putting my bike back together. At least I have multiple bikes, so there's never any rush to do that! Like clean my house after the bomb explodes from unpacking everything I took with me. Like figuring out what's next. Like having all this time on my hands to think about not much in particular. Like getting back in the groove at work. Like spending time with people I've blown off.

When I really think about it, I'm pretty useless for 2 weeks before, the week of, and about 3 weeks after an Ironman race. I'm just not right, in different ways during those different periods. 2 weeks before, it's tough to focus on anything that isn't related to the race. The week of, well, I think that's why I go a little crazy with racing and non-racing friends and need to create a little mayhem in the process. It takes the edge off of the serious side of me, who is truly serious about training and racing. The week after, I still get to experience the high, if I've had a good race (which I did this time), and I try and focus on resting and just letting things be.

But the next 2 weeks are hellish. The glow has worn off. I have other things to do! I'm even done wearing my finisher's hat, and I honestly don't know why I bought all this other crap. It's not like I got a Kona slot or anything. I've had to sit down with myself and ask myself what is my approach to all of this given my lack of talent and age.

I miss my friends that I got to spend time with in Lake Placid. A LOT. I miss being taken care of. I miss that wonderful place that I get to go during the marathon. I miss that fleeting bliss of crossing the finish line feeling absolutely great. Did anyone see me finish online? There is no link for me to watch my own finish.

Sometimes it's said (Jimmy Cliff) that the harder they come, the harder they fall. I trained my ass off this year. Since 9/18/2006, I've put in 672 hours of training, averaging 14.6 hour per week! That's my highest average ever...although I wasn't planning it that way...it just happened! So no wonder my body is telling me to rest more than I would like.

My pinkie toes on both feet are still numb--I think that's because I forgot I had put extra insoles into my LGL bike shoes and then put the others on top and I wondered why the shoes were so tight, so I probably upset a few muscles. My lower left leg is unhappy, but it's not injured--it's just that my quads are still very messed up from the marathon. All my post-race edema is gone. I wanted to run this week, but it's not in the cards. IMLP was my 2nd marathon this calendar year.

Now, don't any of you write me comments like, "Take it easy, Sheila!!!" Or, "You've earned the rest." Or, "Listen to your body." I know all that and I'm doing all that. Remember, it's all relative. I am taking things one day at a time, knowing that I'll be recovered soon enough (I'm riding 300K in a week, so I better, huh?) and back in my groove.

Breaking stride in my routine is hellacious, but I know it's something that I need to move through, and it's an opportunity for me to practice what I preach about staying in the moment. Is there anything wrong with P.I.D.S.? No. It's a natural process. Am I worried it won't go away? Hell no...lots of great things on the horizon for me.

Oh yeah--my crappy race photos are here. I look like a fucking dweeb. I like the shots that were taken by Rich and Cathy Taylor. MUCH better...

Oh yeah--I forgot. Bitchie is getting carbon, compact cranks and an Ergomo!!! So that means I have an SRM for sale: 170mm cranks, was serviced this year, amateur model. Not sure what my asking price is--make me an offer!

Don't worry--I'm still Crackhead.