I turn 55 this coming Saturday, October 22. I just did my 4th 11-mile run of the week, and my legs are sore. Let me be more specific—my quads are sore. Calves are fine, hamstrings are fine, quads are on Day 2 of DOMS.
Let me back up a bit. If you have been following me, you’d know that I took a 15-week break from running earlier this year due to a flare up of sciatica, most likely from some herniated disks in my lumbar spine or else just muscle imbalances. I began serious running again the week beginning June 13. Around mid-August, it dawned on me I was turning 55 this year, and it seemed a good excuse to do some training stuff I’ve never done before.
The logical thing would have been to run 55 miles on my birthday. However, I did not think this was a good idea, having only 7 weeks to build from a 31-mile weekly total to being well prepared for 55 straight. It would just hurt too much, and I’d need a good deal of recovery afterward. But I figured I could easily run 55 miles total for the week ending with my birthday.
But just running 55 miles in a week is not that big of a deal, and besides I would want to swim and bike. So to make it interesting, I decided to play around with the number 55 and figure out how to add in some swimming and biking to the week as well. I thought it would be fun on both my birthday and the day after to do a 5500-yard swim, 55-mile bike and 5.5-mile run. Now if I could complete that in 5.5 hours, I’d be golden, but it will take me a little longer. It should be more like 5:55! That is still good—all 5’s, right? Yes, I am a math geek.
So with the weekend workouts planned, the question became how to do the remaining 44 miles of running, and I decided that I would run 11 miles Monday-Thursday, and then take Friday off because I figured my legs might be a little trashed, and it would be good to rest up before the double NothingMan thingies. So that’s what I decided on. And then I laid out a plan to get me from point A to point B. I didn’t really tell too many people what I was planning, because a part of me didn’t know whether I could do it (and I’m not done yet, eh?). I’ve certainly run this much. I’ve done a ½ IM and full IM on back to back days, and I’ve swum over 12,000 yards across 2 consecutive days, and oh yeah there’s that one Ultraman I did. So really, this isn’t such an epic week (besides I hate that overused word), but its purpose is to celebrate that I’m turning 55 and I can do this, and it will help me decide whether I want to go longer than IM distance next year. In a silly way, it sets the stage for my next few birthday weeks, where I will need to add distance to each day :)
I am pretty used to training 2+ hours per day on work days, so going down to just 11-mile runs has been interesting. I am so damn efficient (and small) when I run—I only burn maybe 85 calories per mile. I ran outside on Monday and Tuesday on my usual semi-hilly route from home in the cold, blustery wind. My route was 5.5 miles out and back, and I was into the wind on the way home. I drank my caffeine-laced infinit, which was great, but caused me to not sleep well for 2 nights, so for yesterday and today I switched to just one can of Coke plus Gatorade. I just need to order up a batch of my custom Infinit with no caffeine in it, because I really did like using it for running. My outdoor runs were done as run 9’/walk 1’ and even doing that I averaged 9mpm both days! I figured I’d better do some walking lest I do the first run too fast and pay for it later in the week. I was kinda shocked I could still average 9mpm even with walking! When I had first returned to running back in June, I was doing that and averaging 10mpm, so even with absolutely no sexy run training (no deliberate tempo work or intervals), I’m doing pretty well again on the running front!
Yesterday the weather turned really windy and rainy, and I decided this was a good enough excuse to run on the treadmill. Plus, I run slower on it than when I do outside—I’m just one of those people that always runs faster outdoors than indoors, even though I know people who are just the opposite. I also decided that it didn’t matter if I only ran 10mpm on the treadmill. I mean, who cares? I’m putting in some good mileage.
Yesterday’s run came out to 9:47 pace, and today’s run was 9:34 pace. My quads were pretty sore after yesterday’s run, so I gave myself a good leg massage and did some good stretching. Today, my quads felt beat up after maybe 6 miles, but I knew it wouldn’t get any worse, so it’s all good. After I finished today, though, it was the first time in years where I could feel an ache in the front part of my psoas muscles. That used to happen regularly on long runs back when I wasn’t as fit as I have been the last 5 or 6 years.
I didn’t schedule anything besides the 4 11-milers through today, but this morning I just had to go and swim. Swimming loosens me up. It made me laugh that I was the fastest swimmer in the pool while I was there and I was just going easy. I could tell that not lifting this week gives me a bit more speed in the pool, and I do need to remember that, since I’ve been lifting heavier this year, and it will pay off eventually!
I really enjoyed my short swim—1700 yards—which felt like just a warmup, and I felt super smooth with great form. I can’t see myself just running ever again—swimming just feels really great, and I’ve worked hard to be decent at it, and I don’t want to have an emaciated upper body like some pure runners!
It’s been interesting these last few days in that I really haven’t needed to chow down like I usually do on weekdays when I’m putting in 2+ hours of training. Sucks. Oh well, I will really hit the feed bag Friday-Sunday evenings. My brother is buying me dinner on Saturday night and I’ve warned him I will be eating for two!
Tomorrow I am taking the day off from work, getting a massage, and maybe I will do some abs work, or maybe not. And fix bottles for the weekend.
I realize that in turning 55 that I will need to turn in my cougar card. I am already calling myself an old lady, but hey, I’m a super fit old lady, and happy to be so! I’ll post after I get through the weekend, assuming I get through it in one piece. I expect Sunday to be tough, but if it wasn’t, what would the point be? I will be starting my 56th year of life on a high note with the ability to take on any challenge I fancy!
Showing posts with label birthday. Show all posts
Showing posts with label birthday. Show all posts
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Dear Dad
I am very sad today. It is my deceased Dad's birthday, one year after he passed away. I've known that this past week and the next 2 weeks would be difficult. I got through my own birthday pretty well by immersing myself in something I love--exercise--and am blessed that I have several most excellent friends who gifted me.
Yesterday was filled with a lot of activity. I still am in cleaning/rearranging mode in the house as we are just finishing one bathroom and in 2 weeks the laundry room gets redone followed by the upstairs bathroom. I rode 1:45 and swam :20 yesterday after getting a bunch of stuff done, and after that I got groceries, made dinner and managed to even watch 1/2 hour of TV! Then I decided I wanted to do some dancing, but after about 1 hour of that I just stopped and sat down and remembered that today is Dad's birthday, and it just hit me like a ton of bricks. I managed to fall asleep, but I woke up at 2AM and have not been able to get back to sleep. I lay there thinking and thinking and thinking. So I got up and did a bunch more cleaning.
At one point while I was laying in bed thinking early this morning, I figured out what makes me the most sad is that I can't tell my Dad about the really great things happening in my life right now. I'm finally fixing up my house, I had a decent triathlon season despite not training very well, I'm making the rounds visiting various friends around the country and most importantly, I'm in love. The economy is going to shit, it's going to be winter any day now, but at my core I'm happy! I feel like I've arrived at a point in my life that is really, really great, only I don't get to share it with my Dad who happened to be like my best friend. So I'm going to try and write what I would say to Dad if he were here now:
Dear Dad:
A lot has happened since you passed away. I tried my best to do an expeditious job of handling your Estate, although there are a couple of details left to go. I got lucky in that I was able to sell your house before the entire market totally bottomed out! It's funny that you always called Mom a packrat, but when me and the boys were cleaning out the house, we found a bunch of stuff of yours stashed away as well!
The lawyer you used to set up your Trust is an idiot. I ditched him once I realized this. I found a different lawyer that I really like except I do need to pester him occasionally to get things done as quickly as I want them done.
I felt like crap for 4 months after you died, but I knew you wouldn't want me to mope around forever, and I did make myself keep exercising even while I felt like shit, even if it wasn't as much as I usually did. It's like I told you when you got back into exercising--you just need to make small, incremental changes and be consistent. I have never been really confident in my physical fitness--usually I need someone else to tell me that I'm kickin' it (do you understand that term?).
About April or early May (whenever your house sold), I decided that it was time for me to try and live a "normal" life ("normal" being what's normal for me), and I got back to my triathlon training in earnest and manufactured "races" for myself just so I would have some goals before my first official race, which was at the end of May. We had a cold, wet spring, and I finally learned to suck it up (I usually call it "HTFU" which stands for Harden The Fuck Up) and ride my bike in colder weather than I ever had. Which is a good thing, because you remember I bought that really expensive bike a year ago, and it has been used like crazy!
At my first official race of the year, Triple T, I ended up sharing a cabin with 5 complete strangers! It worked out really well, though, because they were all pretty fast people, and 4 of us in the cabin got hardware (that's triathlon speak for awards). As a matter of fact, it turned out I was the oldest woman who raced, and there was no one else in my division so I automatically scored hardware. I guess that means technically I may suck, but I can tell you I wasn't anywhere near last finisher in any of the races. This time I did the race by myself (remember last year I did it with Cindy on a team?), and it was more difficult, but I still enjoyed it. I thought about you a lot while I was out there suffering, and for once I can say that I was actually suffering. When I did the races in 2007, and it got really hard on Sunday, I was thinking about Mom a lot. This time, I was thinking about you.
I got some good training in after Triple T and really enjoyed doing it. I did my usual race rehearsal weekend up in Madison, and the weather was screwball and I ended up not riding 112 miles like I should have. But it was good enough for this year. I was letting myself be not up to par because I wasn't able to train well over the winter--God damn you dying!!!
I went to Lake Placid again. Last year, I stayed with my then coach, and had a blast, both because he was there and also my friends Cindy and Shelley were there. This time, I got to stay with Shelley and Cindy in a house, and we had just the best time! Shelley wasn't racing, but she took really good care of me. Cindy had her best Ironman ever. Mine not so much, but I did leave part of you on top of Whiteface Mountain and also in the transition area once I finished. I'm going back again in 2009, and I know I'll sense your presence. You'll laugh at this, but when I was almost finished, I had you in a little crack baggie (a tiny arts and crafts Ziploc), and I did still pass some people on the run even though I was slow that day, and when I would pass them I would secretly say to myself, "You're slower than a dead guy!" I know you would have laughed at that remark which is why I'm telling you about it. I felt pretty miserable during the entire race, because I'm so damn small and the constant rain made me hypothermic and I was peeing constantly, and also I was sad because I was thinking about you all day, but knew I had to keep going so I could leave you in various places! And I hadn't trained like I normally would, but you know it was all okay, I was still glad to be doing an Ironman and to have you with me while I did it, because you never got to see me actually at one of those races. Not that I race--I pretty much suck, but I do the best I can for the amount of time that I can train.
After Lake Placid, I felt like I had achieved some closure on your death. I had planned another NothingMan, and unlike last year, I was really looking forward to this one. Isn't it funny? I thought I was all mentally fucked up in 2007 before that NothingMan, and this year you were dead and I thought I was OK? How does that work??? But I think the difference is that I knew my Lake Placid race was more a catharsis to me than an actual Ironman race. I enjoyed it solely for the fact that I was with good friends the entire time. What's funny is that I actually trained pretty hard after Lake Placid for nothing! I think I was just happy to feel good again, and I mean really good. Ironman training is normally a rollercoaster of emotions, but throw in your Dad going dead on you and it becomes even more interesting! But really I'm grateful that I have been doing the Ironman training for 8 years now (even though you thought I'd bail after like 1 or 2 years initially, but then you figured out it did something for me), because it has made me into a really strong woman (I know you said you thought I already was and that's true, but it never hurts to get stronger, right?), since if nothing else, it made it a little easier on me to deal with you being gone.
So I'm getting ready for this NothingMan thing, which we were going to do from my house. Oh--I forgot--in early August I finally got off the stick and scheduled window and door replacement for my house. So I started moving all my crap around so they could get to the windows, and wouldn't you know it, when they were in the middle of painting the exterior the rains came again! I forgot to tell you that we had pretty regular rain through early August, when it mysteriously stopped for a few weeks, but you know what they say--start painting your house and it will rain!
I made one of my infamous deep-dish pizzas to have some after the NothingMan. I remember how much you liked them. I also remember that before I began cooking for the entire family that you weren't that much into the spicy food. Or should I say, Mom didn't make any spicy food! But it seemed that whenever I cooked for you, you loved it, even if I went a little nuts on the heat or spice! I always did like cooking for you because you appreciated it for the effort and the care, and you always took your time savoring whatever I made, unlike the rest of the bunch who typically just wolfed things down! Anyway, I thought about you while I was making that pizza, because I knew you wouldn't get to enjoy any of it. But I remembered fondly that I had made one last year for you and me and how much you liked it.
The days before the NothingMan the rains were coming rather hard. I wasn't looking forward to doing another Ironman in the rain after Lake Placid, but at least I knew what to do differently so it wouldn't feel as bad. And boy did it rain! I got some seepage in my basement, and there was a lake in front of my house, so the guy I did the NothingMan with and I had to punt a bit since it was going to rain all weekend. Oh--by the way, Michelle was going to be bike support for us, but as it turns out, we didn't need her. We swam and did almost half of the bike ride on Saturday. We drove to Fermilab because it would have been unsafe to ride on the roads since they were all flooded. It took a long time to get there because we kept hitting flooded intersections. Once we were in there, though, it was pretty surreal riding in the rain, riding through rivulets and seeing way more egrets and herons (flying right over us, too!) than I've ever seen in there! I voted to stop after 54 miles because it was getting dark (we were slackers and started late, but it was all ad hoc so it really didn't matter).
We did meet up with Michelle at Pappadeaux (that reminds me--I still have a card for there courtesy of you that I need to use up), and Rob (the guy I did NothingMan with) told her, "Thanks for Nothing!" You would have laughed. Anyway, I am happy that Michelle had volunteered, but also glad she didn't have to come out in the rain with us!
We finished riding on Sunday morning indoors, mostly because I am such a wimp. And also Rob noticed I had two bike trainers. Anyway, it worked out well, and then we went and ran 27 miles along my normal running routes. We stopped back at my house for chicken broth and other stuff (we were eating olives and cheese at one point! Isn't that funny? I've never eaten food like that while running!) a few times, and then when we finished we had some of that pizza, and it was good!
I think that a lot of the strength I've acquired through the years has been from you. You never coddled me. Some people like that, I guess--not me! I really liked being praised when I had gone over and beyond, not just for the usual that you expected from me. I know you always expected excellence from me academically, and for many years, that was easy for me to achieve. What's been harder for me is to extend that excellence into other areas of my life, but you knew from our conversations the past few years that I was really trying to do that, and during and after NothingMan I thought I had really gotten to a special place in my life, and it fucking sucks that you aren't here to witness it. I think you'd notice that your little "Sheel" as you used to always call me, has finally come to terms with herself and is happy in her own skin and is able to give back to others, or at least I'm trying very hard. As much as I miss you, I know other people have far worse troubles than me. My life is pretty good. I know you know that it is a personal choice to choose happiness and to choose to do those things that contribute towards your happiness.
I remember how bemused you were when I first started doing Ironman. You didn't understand why I would do such a thing. There has always been a part of me that thought you wouldn't consider me applying my talents unless I was wearing a white coat in a laboratory! While that is something I could have chosen to do, I didn't. Do you know why? Because I knew that it was important for me to develop many different aspects of myself. The intelligence was just there. I used it to do the school thing, and to carve myself out a fairly decent career. But you know that I have always wanted more. You were pretty upfront with me that the person I chose to marry wasn't a good fit for me. But what you don't know is that at the time, I'm not sure anyone would have been a good fit. Because I was still working on developing those other aspects of myself that I knew I needed to in order to save me from myself. What do I mean by that? I can easily intellectualize everything I see, hear, feel, taste and smell, but I have always had this intense need to let myself "safely" run away with all the attendant emotions. My emotions have always been something to keep put away at a safe distance lest I disturb the force in my life that drives me ever so intensely.
But the thing I learned while training for Ironman is that those emotions are there and need to be let out, and so I began a search, as it were, for a way to allow that to happen while keeping true to my core sense of self. And you know what? I got it! And thank God I did! You know why? Because it prepared me for Mom's death and then yours. And it prepared me for even better things. I think I am finally able to be a good friend to others, and that is something that's extremely important to me. I have the tendency, just like you, to be a loner, but I've known that is something I've needed to bust out of, and I think I've finally succeeded. I am not always good at it, but I am on alert most of the time to not just retreat into my own head.
You probably know this, but up until now, I have not really been in love with anyone. I mean, how could I be, when I couldn't be 100% comfortable with myself and first be just a good friend to others? Don't get me wrong--I am far from anything resembling perfection (and oh yeah--another thing that Ironman is good for is letting go of your perfectionistic tendencies), but I do tend to want to perfect things, and trying to perfect oneself is a losing proposition! So, in getting divorced and subsequently forcing myself to go to pieces before reassembling myself, I found out what's truly important and have strived to focus on that.
What's truly important? Acting with integrity, being a good and true friend, and being true to myself. That's it. I have friends that I really think I can give a lot to, and getting to near closure with your Estate has eased me up tremendously so that I think I can do that. I hope so, at least. And then what happens? Someone pops into my life and I fall in love. How bizarre is that? You'd probably say it was ordained or some other prophetic statement. I think you'd tell me that I really hadn't been ready. God--you were patient with me all the time I was so unsettled! You always told me I'd know when I'd found what I wanted, and you know that while you were alive that that hadn't happened. Well maybe now I have. But I hope it's not a matter of having wanted, because I have been trying to strike overwhelming desire from my vocabulary! Not that desire in and of itself is bad (like all the discussions you and I had on that very topic), but it's almost like we desire to desire, and that is what screws us up.
I'm really sad today, but really happy I could share this with you. I hope that wherever you are (Whiteface Mountain, for one place!) that you can sense me. I know you are still here guiding me, and I don't think that will ever stop. I know you were always proud of me for my academic accomplishments, but now I hope you are proud of me just for being me. I love you.
Yesterday was filled with a lot of activity. I still am in cleaning/rearranging mode in the house as we are just finishing one bathroom and in 2 weeks the laundry room gets redone followed by the upstairs bathroom. I rode 1:45 and swam :20 yesterday after getting a bunch of stuff done, and after that I got groceries, made dinner and managed to even watch 1/2 hour of TV! Then I decided I wanted to do some dancing, but after about 1 hour of that I just stopped and sat down and remembered that today is Dad's birthday, and it just hit me like a ton of bricks. I managed to fall asleep, but I woke up at 2AM and have not been able to get back to sleep. I lay there thinking and thinking and thinking. So I got up and did a bunch more cleaning.
At one point while I was laying in bed thinking early this morning, I figured out what makes me the most sad is that I can't tell my Dad about the really great things happening in my life right now. I'm finally fixing up my house, I had a decent triathlon season despite not training very well, I'm making the rounds visiting various friends around the country and most importantly, I'm in love. The economy is going to shit, it's going to be winter any day now, but at my core I'm happy! I feel like I've arrived at a point in my life that is really, really great, only I don't get to share it with my Dad who happened to be like my best friend. So I'm going to try and write what I would say to Dad if he were here now:
Dear Dad:
A lot has happened since you passed away. I tried my best to do an expeditious job of handling your Estate, although there are a couple of details left to go. I got lucky in that I was able to sell your house before the entire market totally bottomed out! It's funny that you always called Mom a packrat, but when me and the boys were cleaning out the house, we found a bunch of stuff of yours stashed away as well!
The lawyer you used to set up your Trust is an idiot. I ditched him once I realized this. I found a different lawyer that I really like except I do need to pester him occasionally to get things done as quickly as I want them done.
I felt like crap for 4 months after you died, but I knew you wouldn't want me to mope around forever, and I did make myself keep exercising even while I felt like shit, even if it wasn't as much as I usually did. It's like I told you when you got back into exercising--you just need to make small, incremental changes and be consistent. I have never been really confident in my physical fitness--usually I need someone else to tell me that I'm kickin' it (do you understand that term?).
About April or early May (whenever your house sold), I decided that it was time for me to try and live a "normal" life ("normal" being what's normal for me), and I got back to my triathlon training in earnest and manufactured "races" for myself just so I would have some goals before my first official race, which was at the end of May. We had a cold, wet spring, and I finally learned to suck it up (I usually call it "HTFU" which stands for Harden The Fuck Up) and ride my bike in colder weather than I ever had. Which is a good thing, because you remember I bought that really expensive bike a year ago, and it has been used like crazy!
At my first official race of the year, Triple T, I ended up sharing a cabin with 5 complete strangers! It worked out really well, though, because they were all pretty fast people, and 4 of us in the cabin got hardware (that's triathlon speak for awards). As a matter of fact, it turned out I was the oldest woman who raced, and there was no one else in my division so I automatically scored hardware. I guess that means technically I may suck, but I can tell you I wasn't anywhere near last finisher in any of the races. This time I did the race by myself (remember last year I did it with Cindy on a team?), and it was more difficult, but I still enjoyed it. I thought about you a lot while I was out there suffering, and for once I can say that I was actually suffering. When I did the races in 2007, and it got really hard on Sunday, I was thinking about Mom a lot. This time, I was thinking about you.
I got some good training in after Triple T and really enjoyed doing it. I did my usual race rehearsal weekend up in Madison, and the weather was screwball and I ended up not riding 112 miles like I should have. But it was good enough for this year. I was letting myself be not up to par because I wasn't able to train well over the winter--God damn you dying!!!
I went to Lake Placid again. Last year, I stayed with my then coach, and had a blast, both because he was there and also my friends Cindy and Shelley were there. This time, I got to stay with Shelley and Cindy in a house, and we had just the best time! Shelley wasn't racing, but she took really good care of me. Cindy had her best Ironman ever. Mine not so much, but I did leave part of you on top of Whiteface Mountain and also in the transition area once I finished. I'm going back again in 2009, and I know I'll sense your presence. You'll laugh at this, but when I was almost finished, I had you in a little crack baggie (a tiny arts and crafts Ziploc), and I did still pass some people on the run even though I was slow that day, and when I would pass them I would secretly say to myself, "You're slower than a dead guy!" I know you would have laughed at that remark which is why I'm telling you about it. I felt pretty miserable during the entire race, because I'm so damn small and the constant rain made me hypothermic and I was peeing constantly, and also I was sad because I was thinking about you all day, but knew I had to keep going so I could leave you in various places! And I hadn't trained like I normally would, but you know it was all okay, I was still glad to be doing an Ironman and to have you with me while I did it, because you never got to see me actually at one of those races. Not that I race--I pretty much suck, but I do the best I can for the amount of time that I can train.
After Lake Placid, I felt like I had achieved some closure on your death. I had planned another NothingMan, and unlike last year, I was really looking forward to this one. Isn't it funny? I thought I was all mentally fucked up in 2007 before that NothingMan, and this year you were dead and I thought I was OK? How does that work??? But I think the difference is that I knew my Lake Placid race was more a catharsis to me than an actual Ironman race. I enjoyed it solely for the fact that I was with good friends the entire time. What's funny is that I actually trained pretty hard after Lake Placid for nothing! I think I was just happy to feel good again, and I mean really good. Ironman training is normally a rollercoaster of emotions, but throw in your Dad going dead on you and it becomes even more interesting! But really I'm grateful that I have been doing the Ironman training for 8 years now (even though you thought I'd bail after like 1 or 2 years initially, but then you figured out it did something for me), because it has made me into a really strong woman (I know you said you thought I already was and that's true, but it never hurts to get stronger, right?), since if nothing else, it made it a little easier on me to deal with you being gone.
So I'm getting ready for this NothingMan thing, which we were going to do from my house. Oh--I forgot--in early August I finally got off the stick and scheduled window and door replacement for my house. So I started moving all my crap around so they could get to the windows, and wouldn't you know it, when they were in the middle of painting the exterior the rains came again! I forgot to tell you that we had pretty regular rain through early August, when it mysteriously stopped for a few weeks, but you know what they say--start painting your house and it will rain!
I made one of my infamous deep-dish pizzas to have some after the NothingMan. I remember how much you liked them. I also remember that before I began cooking for the entire family that you weren't that much into the spicy food. Or should I say, Mom didn't make any spicy food! But it seemed that whenever I cooked for you, you loved it, even if I went a little nuts on the heat or spice! I always did like cooking for you because you appreciated it for the effort and the care, and you always took your time savoring whatever I made, unlike the rest of the bunch who typically just wolfed things down! Anyway, I thought about you while I was making that pizza, because I knew you wouldn't get to enjoy any of it. But I remembered fondly that I had made one last year for you and me and how much you liked it.
The days before the NothingMan the rains were coming rather hard. I wasn't looking forward to doing another Ironman in the rain after Lake Placid, but at least I knew what to do differently so it wouldn't feel as bad. And boy did it rain! I got some seepage in my basement, and there was a lake in front of my house, so the guy I did the NothingMan with and I had to punt a bit since it was going to rain all weekend. Oh--by the way, Michelle was going to be bike support for us, but as it turns out, we didn't need her. We swam and did almost half of the bike ride on Saturday. We drove to Fermilab because it would have been unsafe to ride on the roads since they were all flooded. It took a long time to get there because we kept hitting flooded intersections. Once we were in there, though, it was pretty surreal riding in the rain, riding through rivulets and seeing way more egrets and herons (flying right over us, too!) than I've ever seen in there! I voted to stop after 54 miles because it was getting dark (we were slackers and started late, but it was all ad hoc so it really didn't matter).
We did meet up with Michelle at Pappadeaux (that reminds me--I still have a card for there courtesy of you that I need to use up), and Rob (the guy I did NothingMan with) told her, "Thanks for Nothing!" You would have laughed. Anyway, I am happy that Michelle had volunteered, but also glad she didn't have to come out in the rain with us!
We finished riding on Sunday morning indoors, mostly because I am such a wimp. And also Rob noticed I had two bike trainers. Anyway, it worked out well, and then we went and ran 27 miles along my normal running routes. We stopped back at my house for chicken broth and other stuff (we were eating olives and cheese at one point! Isn't that funny? I've never eaten food like that while running!) a few times, and then when we finished we had some of that pizza, and it was good!
I think that a lot of the strength I've acquired through the years has been from you. You never coddled me. Some people like that, I guess--not me! I really liked being praised when I had gone over and beyond, not just for the usual that you expected from me. I know you always expected excellence from me academically, and for many years, that was easy for me to achieve. What's been harder for me is to extend that excellence into other areas of my life, but you knew from our conversations the past few years that I was really trying to do that, and during and after NothingMan I thought I had really gotten to a special place in my life, and it fucking sucks that you aren't here to witness it. I think you'd notice that your little "Sheel" as you used to always call me, has finally come to terms with herself and is happy in her own skin and is able to give back to others, or at least I'm trying very hard. As much as I miss you, I know other people have far worse troubles than me. My life is pretty good. I know you know that it is a personal choice to choose happiness and to choose to do those things that contribute towards your happiness.
I remember how bemused you were when I first started doing Ironman. You didn't understand why I would do such a thing. There has always been a part of me that thought you wouldn't consider me applying my talents unless I was wearing a white coat in a laboratory! While that is something I could have chosen to do, I didn't. Do you know why? Because I knew that it was important for me to develop many different aspects of myself. The intelligence was just there. I used it to do the school thing, and to carve myself out a fairly decent career. But you know that I have always wanted more. You were pretty upfront with me that the person I chose to marry wasn't a good fit for me. But what you don't know is that at the time, I'm not sure anyone would have been a good fit. Because I was still working on developing those other aspects of myself that I knew I needed to in order to save me from myself. What do I mean by that? I can easily intellectualize everything I see, hear, feel, taste and smell, but I have always had this intense need to let myself "safely" run away with all the attendant emotions. My emotions have always been something to keep put away at a safe distance lest I disturb the force in my life that drives me ever so intensely.
But the thing I learned while training for Ironman is that those emotions are there and need to be let out, and so I began a search, as it were, for a way to allow that to happen while keeping true to my core sense of self. And you know what? I got it! And thank God I did! You know why? Because it prepared me for Mom's death and then yours. And it prepared me for even better things. I think I am finally able to be a good friend to others, and that is something that's extremely important to me. I have the tendency, just like you, to be a loner, but I've known that is something I've needed to bust out of, and I think I've finally succeeded. I am not always good at it, but I am on alert most of the time to not just retreat into my own head.
You probably know this, but up until now, I have not really been in love with anyone. I mean, how could I be, when I couldn't be 100% comfortable with myself and first be just a good friend to others? Don't get me wrong--I am far from anything resembling perfection (and oh yeah--another thing that Ironman is good for is letting go of your perfectionistic tendencies), but I do tend to want to perfect things, and trying to perfect oneself is a losing proposition! So, in getting divorced and subsequently forcing myself to go to pieces before reassembling myself, I found out what's truly important and have strived to focus on that.
What's truly important? Acting with integrity, being a good and true friend, and being true to myself. That's it. I have friends that I really think I can give a lot to, and getting to near closure with your Estate has eased me up tremendously so that I think I can do that. I hope so, at least. And then what happens? Someone pops into my life and I fall in love. How bizarre is that? You'd probably say it was ordained or some other prophetic statement. I think you'd tell me that I really hadn't been ready. God--you were patient with me all the time I was so unsettled! You always told me I'd know when I'd found what I wanted, and you know that while you were alive that that hadn't happened. Well maybe now I have. But I hope it's not a matter of having wanted, because I have been trying to strike overwhelming desire from my vocabulary! Not that desire in and of itself is bad (like all the discussions you and I had on that very topic), but it's almost like we desire to desire, and that is what screws us up.
I'm really sad today, but really happy I could share this with you. I hope that wherever you are (Whiteface Mountain, for one place!) that you can sense me. I know you are still here guiding me, and I don't think that will ever stop. I know you were always proud of me for my academic accomplishments, but now I hope you are proud of me just for being me. I love you.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Birthday
Beginning this past Monday, I was dreading my birthday. Why? Because last year at this time, my birthday was the day I was suspecting that my Dad was in bad shape, and in fact, the next day, he was admitted to hospital and you can go back and read all about that, culminating in his death on 11/4/2007.
Sometime yesterday, though, I decided I should do some form of "birthday workouts" to commemorate my 52nd birthday (I know, I know, even I can't believe I'm that old). Initially, I was just going to swim/bike/run each for 52 minutes, since I'm not exactly training lately, and was not up for a mega training day, especially since I'd be working. Then, this morning, I got the bright idea that I'd try and do 52 exercise-related things each for some form of "52," like 52 minutes or 52 repetitions or 52 seconds. I started making a list, and it included the swim/bike/run thing, but also a lot of strength exercises that I typically do, only 52 reps is nearly twice what I usually do.
When I woke up this morning, I felt well-rested, and I had eaten a good dinner last night assuming I'd be working out some today. So I got to it early before heading to the pool. I had wanted to do 52 actual exercises, but after working and doing quite a bit and hitting 30 things, I decided that the remaining 22 would be stretches, lest I be so sore tomorrow that I can't do much of anything! I feel like I wimped out, but it is what it is, and I must be old because I didn't do all 52 things, but I totally enjoyed the day even though the contractors were beginning to put together a new bathroom downstairs and work was a little messy.
This afternoon I received these from Cindy:
Isn't the arrangement beautiful? And it smells really nice. I really love flowers, and was pretty happy to get these. I wish Cindy could make it down to PCB to hang with me cheering for my peeps at IMFL. We'll see...
Anyway, below is what I ended up doing today, listed in order of how I did things. When it says, "52 Pickup" the pic below is what I did. Believe me, picking up the cards after what I had already done was another "thing" to do. But the stretching felt really great!
Sometime yesterday, though, I decided I should do some form of "birthday workouts" to commemorate my 52nd birthday (I know, I know, even I can't believe I'm that old). Initially, I was just going to swim/bike/run each for 52 minutes, since I'm not exactly training lately, and was not up for a mega training day, especially since I'd be working. Then, this morning, I got the bright idea that I'd try and do 52 exercise-related things each for some form of "52," like 52 minutes or 52 repetitions or 52 seconds. I started making a list, and it included the swim/bike/run thing, but also a lot of strength exercises that I typically do, only 52 reps is nearly twice what I usually do.
When I woke up this morning, I felt well-rested, and I had eaten a good dinner last night assuming I'd be working out some today. So I got to it early before heading to the pool. I had wanted to do 52 actual exercises, but after working and doing quite a bit and hitting 30 things, I decided that the remaining 22 would be stretches, lest I be so sore tomorrow that I can't do much of anything! I feel like I wimped out, but it is what it is, and I must be old because I didn't do all 52 things, but I totally enjoyed the day even though the contractors were beginning to put together a new bathroom downstairs and work was a little messy.
This afternoon I received these from Cindy:
Isn't the arrangement beautiful? And it smells really nice. I really love flowers, and was pretty happy to get these. I wish Cindy could make it down to PCB to hang with me cheering for my peeps at IMFL. We'll see...
Anyway, below is what I ended up doing today, listed in order of how I did things. When it says, "52 Pickup" the pic below is what I did. Believe me, picking up the cards after what I had already done was another "thing" to do. But the stretching felt really great!
- Pushups: 52 (regular style not girlie shit on knees). Not so hard.
- Air Squats: 52. Not so hard. I do more than this in a typical strength workout.
- Crunches on Stability Ball w/12 lb. Medicine ball: 52. Not so hard.
- Side Twisting Crunches w/feet on Stability Ball w/12 lb. Medicine ball: 52. Not so hard--my core is in good shape.
- Single-leg Calf Raises: 52 each leg w/30 lb. dumbbells. Not so hard at all.
- Swim: 52 minutes (2800 yards). Fucking easy.
- Vertical Kicking in Pool: 52 seconds. First time I did it without fins. Not very hard.
- Assisted Pullups: 52 (at various amounts unweighted). This was hard, considering I've only gone as high as 10 in the last 4 weeks. I did a pyramid set starting hard, going to easy and then ending with the last one nearly unweighted, and that one hurt. It was pretty funny to sense people watching me do this many, especially since I was wearing hot pink shorts, a pink shirt and pink shoes. Not my usual gym attire!
- Dead Hang: 52 seconds. Felt good after all those pullups.
- Hanging Leg Raises: 52. Not very hard at all. I like these because they really hit my lower abs.
- Jumping Jacks: 52. Easy!
- Standing Hamstring Curls: 52 each leg (30 at 15 lbs; 22 at 10 lbs.). Not hard; not easy.
- Dumbbell Side Raises: 52 each side (30 at 20 lbs; 22 at 15 lbs). OK by this point my abs are starting to feel it.
- Standing Overhead Triceps Extensions: 52 at 20 lbs. Sort of hard. Triceps were already toasty from the pushups and pullups.
- Standing Triceps Pulldowns: 52 at 25 lbs. More torture for my triceps, and they were feeling it during this bout.
- Run: 52 minutes. Since I hadn't really done much leg work, I was able to run fairly decently, but I did notice my upper body was pretty full of lactic acid (I started at noon). So I'll say this was moderately hard, since I need my upper body to run well. Oh and I was drinking Coke (flat leftover from NothingMan) because I knew I had more to do and could tell I was on the verge of bonking. After I finished this, I drank 1/2 bottle of Endurox R4 and ate a gel before heading out to bike.
- Bike: 52 minutes. Relatively easy. Started about 15 minutes after finishing the run. It got colder and I had a good headwind on the way home.
- Jump Rope: Skip both feet 52 times. Easy. Way back before I ran and just did gay aerobics, I would sometimes jump rope (lots of variations) for an hour straight. I'm sure I could still do that--it's just a matter of acclimating my calves, but other than that, jumping rope is all about core strength, and I have plenty of that!
- Wall Squats w/Stability Ball and Small Ball between Knees: 52. Now I could tell my quads were getting fatigued, but still not too nasty.
- Hyperextensions on Stability Ball: 52. I was wondering how these would feel at this point. Really not bad at all, which is good and means my back is in good shape.
- Reverse Hyperextensions on Stability Ball: 52. Again, I thought my back would start to rebel at this point, but it didn't. YAY!
- Reverse Crunches w/12 lb. Medicine Ball between Knees: 52. These got to be hard. My abs were telling me I'd already done enough, and having to lift my hips up on top of it was not too easy.
- Seated Machine Crunches w/Rope: 52 (30 at 50 lbs.; 22 at 45 lbs.). Um...abs were already toasty by this point, but I got it done.
- Knee Extension on Stability Ball; Thighs on Ball: 52. Pretty easy. More pelvic thrusting!
- Knee Extension on Stability Ball; Ankles on Ball: 52. Still easy; hips are still working quite well.
- Suitcase Crunch w/Legs at 90° Angle on Stability Ball, holding 12 lb. Medicine Ball: 52. Pretty easy although abs are tired.
- Hamstring Curls on Stability Ball: 52. Moderately hard. My hammies were not too happy, even though I hadn't done much to them except curls, run and bike.
- Fifty-two Pickup. This was just plain fun. I had to go find playing cards. Of course, I counted them as I picked them up just to be sure it was a full deck!
- through 52: 22 different stretching exercises for a total of 30 minutes. This felt great, great, GREAT!
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