El Sicko--That's Me!

Even though I have been taking a cocktail of meds (antibiotics, Alka Seltzer plus, regular aspirin, bronchial inhaler), I am at best marginally better than I was a week ago, or at least it appears that way.

And then I don't do well on drugs anyway--I can't tell if I am so tired and spaced out because of them or because of whatever it is I have.

This is making me depressed. I feel like crap, I can't train (OK I tried for a few days and look where that got me), I have a race in a week, I can't train, I can't train, I have no energy.

This thing is sucking the life out of me. Even more fun is that when I don't train, I lose my appetite except for the sacred chicken soup, but I'm even getting tired of that.

I want my Mommy. Oh that's right, I don't have one anymore. I wish I could rent one that would come over and take care of me just for a day. That would be awesome.

THIS is what I call suffering.

When is it Enough?

I've often asked myself this question, as on occasion, I think I am always looking for the next challenge, the next "big thing" that I can do, whatever. But in truth, I'm basically pretty happy, and I just try and take advantage of experiences that present themselves that may fall into that category or just be something a bit different.

But then there's that side of me that thinks that complacency breeds boredom, dissatisfaction and potentially, depression. I don't seek out change and new experiences as a way of making myself stand apart from others but more in an effort to connect up with them and become a part of the larger human experience.

Then there are those who can't get enough of negativity. Why that is, I will never understand! Why is it that some people seek out the very things that will create or prolong their personal suffering? And usually the way it is with those people is that their efforts to create additional suffering are intended to inflict it on others.

Reality is that we have to put up with both factions in our daily lives. It's unfortunate, but it's the way things are.

Me? Maybe I am Crackhead and all, but at the heart of it is a simple desire to enjoy the heck out of life. To do that, I will keep assembling people around me who feel the same way and doing things that support that philosophy. What could be better than that?

Today was one of those days where I had the pleasure of beginning my day on a few high notes--a good swim (even though I was bone tired and there was no scenery), and being in a positive frame of mind, I think I kept some momentum going through early afternoon--I was particularly excited to begin my work day (I spend a lot of time on the phone with customers, and normally, it's not something I enjoy but today for some reason it was great) and then focus on a few things that needed attention, went for an absolutely enjoyable run, and a few hours later hit a negative snag. I let off some steam and reflected back on the first half of my day, which was blissful, and am now just relaxed.

Here's to those of you who have it or want it or share it and keep the scales tipped to the good:

A Few Things that Death has Magnified for Me

In a slight departure from triathlon content, it seemed like a good day to write some of this stuff down. Ah--the luxury of having the time to think about this stuff! I'm so lucky!

Some or all of the following may appear to be clichés. But remember, sometimes a cliché is just something you haven’t personally experienced.

1. Things aren’t important. People are important.
2. The color of death may be black, but, a girl (moi) can't have too many wacky swimsuits or nail polish colors. I need lots of color in my life--certain colorful things, colorful experiences and colorful people. This is something that I don't think will ever change about me.
   
3. What I sometimes think of as my greatest weaknesses (and I have plenty) can become my greatest strengths in a pinch.
4. While it’s most important to live in the here and now, a little tape rewind for review purposes isn’t bad, either. Things I haven’t thought about or remembered in years are coming back to me. I was organizing some athletic wear this morning, decided I needed a bunch of hangers, and it turned into finally deciding I could let go of a bunch of dresses that I sewed over the years. In taking each one off the hanger and throwing it onto a pile, I could remember wearing it and that point in my life.
5. Learning how to let go of things, thoughts and reactions to experiences never stops, and it makes you much stronger. This is probably the biggest lesson of death that I can think of.
   
6. Every now and then, it's good to have a few glasses of good wine, turn off all the lights, put on the flashy shoes, and sing and dance by myself. It's a marker of being in a good place. And then go out and dance with friends. Soon, very soon...
   
7. I’ll take a couple of close friends over a pile of meaningless acquaintances any day. Not that I don't appreciate the blogging world--I do, but keep perspective.
   
8. Keep trying new things—even something that on the surface seems like a crazy idea might, under the right circumstances, be the best idea after all.
9. It’s OK to leave certain projects unfinished. They must not have been that important in the first place, right?
10. Giving or receiving one moment of genuine kindness or joy can erase 10 times your suffering.
11. Every moment of every day is an opportunity to look at yourself in the mirror and ask whether you are doing your very best for yourself. Because if you can’t do that, you can’t do it for anyone else.
12. Fire anyone that isn’t living up to your expectations or is toxic to your well-being—business associates, friends, lovers, family members. Life is too short.
13. You don’t need to be liked by everyone. But being respected is divine.
14. Don’t care what other people think of you. Just care about other people.
15. Keep moving. When you stop moving, you’re dead.

I love NothingMan, but boy--do I need to do a real race. T-6 weeks!

A Little Bit of Pain

I can't wait...

All you ask for is a little bit of pain
It goes a long way
All you wanted was the stinging of her rain
rolling down you face

It´s like you told her- there´s nothing you won´t do
Crawling comes so easy
Now that you´re older you will lick her dirty boots
Nothing is too sleazy

You didn´t know what love was
You didn´t know what pain does
Let your arms ache
Let your heart break

All you wanted was the clinging of her vine
to wrap around you
Now you´re dying for a swallow of her brine
so she can drown you

Gone to heaven, then it´s back to hell
you´re climbing down her staircase
All you wanted was to love this Jezebel
Even angels make mistakes

You didn´t know what love was
You didn´t know what pain does
Let your arms ache
Let your heart break

All you ask for is a little bit of pain

Still Lost

Thanks everyone who left me such nice words on the last post. I am still lost, I am still suffering and I suppose now I'm getting back to the roots of how I started this blog in the first place, which was being in a similar place that I am now, only 2 years ago.

I have been writing down a lot of stuff over the past two weeks, so I knew that I was falling down the rabbit hole already, and Cindy was very observant in that I need to be able to articulate my own condition before I'm ready to start talking about it. I've articulated a lot in my private journal, and as it comes together I will share what I think is shareable, but here are a few thoughts:

• Yes, Pirate Girl--I am probably self-medicating with exercise to eliminate periods of mental suffering. Whether or not I'm truly bipolar is not something I'm concerned with right now (I've been down that path before and I could be a LOT worse off than I am). A problem with this form of self-medication, though, is that periodically the body actually does require rest; only when I've become so used to not resting, it's as if I've stored up a suffering bomb that eventually must be unleashed. So you can see why I rarely talk about hard training or racing as having an element of suffering! For me, it isn't!
  
• I really am looking for connectedness and intimacy--it doesn't need to come in the form of a sexual relationship, but just with some friends. I don't feel like I have that, and I wonder if, in fact, I push it away. Or maybe I'm just too afraid to ask for it. Thing is, I can be a rather intense person to be around, and when I want something, I want it. I've been told that can be overwhelming, yet I don't know how to be that subdued once my desires take over, and that is one avenue for creating my own suffering, because I don't feel entitled to ask for anything from anyone, really, and a lot of the time I think my desires are out of control. Paradoxically, this, I believe, is one of the traits that other people are attracted to about me--my intensity. Or else I'm hallucinating :) Now see, what's funny about this is that's why people read this blog, isn't it? I know that I really like reading blogs of other people who are really, really intense, and I love reading books by crazed endurance athletes, as I feel this certain kinship with their mindset.
  
• In the universe of people who I consider my acquaintances, of which I have plenty, I think, there are very few who are able to cope with the push and pull and the mental turmoil that I put myself through. What I mean by that is being able to leave me alone when that is what I really need, and not leave me alone when that is not what I need, for example. Also knowing when to agree with me when I say things like I suck and when to disagree. And to pull me out of myself when all I want to do is retreat. I can be quite resistant to the very thing I need at times. I tend to use strong language when describing myself, and I'm sure it can be difficult for someone else to dissect all that and figure out what the hell I really mean at times. I guess in a nutshell is that while I have this very intense, confident outer shell, it's really just a fragile shell. Don't get me wrong--I enjoy it a lot of the time--but sometimes I'm just wishing for someone to come along with a hammer and crack the shell and let me be who I am with my guard down. I haven't had a relationship like that in years.
• The reason I know what I know about those few things that I know a lot about is that I have this laser focus that I enjoy putting to use periodically by totally immersing myself in something. However, comma, the one thing I am unable to immerse myself in is my self! I have this really strong drive to figure myself out, and what I have been able to figure out so far is not something I like all the time, and I don't know how to change it. I hear that is a normal part of the human condition, but for some reason I seem to feel it pretty intensely. Maybe I'm self-medicating against feeling it in one way, but doesn't everyone do that in one way or the other? I mean who really wants to experience the depths of their own personal suffering? And I think you need to experience it and go there in order to escape from it. Yes, I've read all sorts of books on meditation and such, and I do do it, but periodically I come back to the reality that I've not achieved Nirvana and that I probably won't ever, but I suppose one should still have that as a goal? Tough to do in the society in which I live. I could do better, though.
• I keep being drawn back to ego and desire and how ruinous those things can be, and they certainly have been in my life, yet I haven't figured a way to break that cycle, because desire is such a heady thing. I think that's one of the key things I've learned during this recent "mental event" is that I need to be watchful of becoming too desirous. It's something I recognized in myself a few years ago, and I thought I had it licked, but I guess I was dead wrong. For me, desire is a thing that is intimately connected to my sense of power and physical fitness. I didn't get to experience it so much last year with Ironman Brazil because my mom had died. But this time around, what the hell, I was feeling on top of the world and so fucking fit and everything was going so well and I felt so in control, and when that all comes together I just become this ball of energy and lust for anything and everything around me, and it can be difficult for me to retain perspective when I most need it. I want to suck everyone into it, because it feels so great. I have to say that even while I was out there at IMLP doing my thing, I just had this sense of energy about me that felt very perfect. Again, one of the reasons I like the Ironman distance so much. To me, it becomes a way of hanging onto that desirous feeling. Which may sound funny, considering I'm not very fast at all, but nonetheless, I enjoy the hell out of it. And then I realize that is a dangerous way to feel because it can't last, you know?
  

Again, this is the tip of the iceberg. I feel honored that I can share what's going on in my head with the blogosphere for whatever it's worth, and I do appreciate any and all observations. They are all good!

There are 2 quotes that I have printed up in large type in my office at home, and they pretty much capture one of the central issues I have with myself, so it's not like I didn't know this stuff already, but I guess I need to keep relearning the same lessons over and over and over and over...in my runup to IMLP this year I certainly wasn't looking for a prize, but I was still definitely in the hunt for satisfaction...

When the archer shoots for no particular prize, he has all his skills;
when he shoots to win a brass buckle, he is already nervous;
when he shoots for a gold prize, he goes blind, sees two targets and is out of his mind.
His skill has not changed, but the prize divides him. He cares!
He thinks more of winning than of shooting, and the need to win drains him of power.
--Tranxu

To achieve satisfaction in everything
Desire it in nothing.
To possess everything,
Desire to have nothing.
To be everything,
Desire to be nothing.
To know everything,
Desire to know nothing.
--John of the Cross