Choosing to Struggle

I have written on this blog about plenty of physical training stuff with a smattering of mental stuff. Today is mental stuff.

It being the beginning of a new calendar year, many people have thoughts about renewal, starting over, taking on new challenges and refocusing on the ones they were already pursuing. Many of my friends are embarking on their push towards an Ironman. Others are marrying off their children or having grandchildren. Some are getting married for the first or not first time.

I spent the first half of 2014 swimming in a morose stew of self-doubt, misguided self-analysis and general shiftlessness. I've gone into before some of the things that led up to that, and recently figured out (from analyzing data!) that I need to structure my intentional athletic struggles in a particular way.

Choosing to master something is making a choice to struggle. You don't get good at something accidentally, or without making countless mistakes and possibly making a fool of yourself. You may even be ridiculed along the way if your something is considered frivolous--such as making art or conquering long distance triathlons, or setting an official world record for miles cycled in a year (I know some people making that attempt).

I've had some things come to me without too much struggle--in grade school, I loved reading and math and foreign language study. I think I inherited a gene from my Dad that made it easy for me to excel in those areas quickly. However, being good at the level I was deemed to be at was never enough for me. Even in 3rd grade, I craved challenge, but was deemed too young to determine my own destiny. By 5th grade, though, it was too obvious to my teachers that they needed to do something extra with me or else I would be far too bored. And my parents did not have the money to send me away to a special school. I worked with my teachers to come up with a way for me to move ahead and be challenged without too much extra effort on their part. I would help the Spanish teacher teach the other kids. I would pick up advanced math books and study on my own. It worked well for a few years. 7th and 8th grade were challenging for me, though, because I acquired a new set of teachers that weren't interested in learning about my history--I was to go with the flow. But I supplemented the lackluster schooling by teaching myself to sew. It seemed like a fun, useful skill to have, especially since my Mom was back working again and had precious little time to be making clothes for me.

To make it mentally challenging for me, I went to summer school. I took a typing class (which I excelled at because I'd played the piano since age 4), and I took a history class (which I hated, but understood that my emotional struggle would contribute to my need to feel challenged). I did continue to be ahead of my peers in math and Spanish, so much so that when I entered high school, within the first week my teachers knew they needed to do something special with me. I was taking Spanish, but the teacher discerned I was about 3 years ahead of everyone else (by my own doing--all I did was retain what I'd learned during the prior 4 years), and decided I could tutor the other kids, and he gave me self-study for the level that I was at. On a dare, I signed up for Russian and German, because what the hell, it sounded like fun. My math teacher figured out the same and I was put into a class with kids 2 years older than me. As to the rest of the curriculum, I couldn't have cared less, as I was able to spread my wings in math and languages. Oh but there was English. One would assume that my proficiency in foreign languages had something to do with English, and it did. I absolutely loved learning about the structure of language, and ingraining all that in me is what enabled me to pick up the foreign languages so easily.

Unfortunately, being the weirdo smart girl who was paid special attention by many of the teachers put me in an odd position socially, and as well, within my own family unit. My 2 brothers and one sister older than me had gone to the same high school, had done fairly well and even had some of the same teachers as I did, but I was always compared to them as light years better. As much trouble as this gave me, I felt it was worth it for me to pursue my own struggle to exploit my natural talents and work ethic.

This desire to go beyond has stayed with me. I fast tracked in my career during my 20's after discovering the joy of computer programming and actuarial science. As you can imagine, regularly being singled out for special attention in school and at work put a damper on my social life. Well, to an extent. My first 2 years of college I was the Social Chairman in my sorority. I figured doing that would be a good way to "learn" more social skills--by doing a bang up job of making other people happy! But college was a struggle for me because I really felt the social toll all my years of excelling (and also having a 20-hour per week job to fund college) had taken. It seemed all I knew how to do was excel at stuff. And I was always rewarded for it in some fashion--either money or accolades. Somehow I think that I became set up for a lot of external validation.

I was 25 when I was raped. I was doing exceedingly well at my actuarial job, living in my own apartment and being self-sufficient. The rape threw me for a loop for awhile, but mainly in terms of my ability to feel safe and trust people. Although the people I worked with were absolutely wonderful in giving me time off, and my landlord easily agreed to let me break my lease so I could move to a safer neighborhood.

Fast forward to my 30's when I was married and puzzled at how to make a marriage work. So I did what I knew how to do--be good at stuff--taking care of the home, making lots of money and looking good. But it wasn't enough, and I realized there needed to be some pinnacle of moving ahead at work and acquiring stuff and having a perfect house that I needed to accept as "enough."

But it wasn't enough. But it was enough to contribute to the end of my marriage. Which was an extreme blow to my self-confidence. I fucked up and got drunk one day and went rollerskating, crashed and broke an arm and got a concussion, then a few weeks later, I was laid off at work (not due to my performance). I thought I'd never find a new job, and was deeply shaken for a few weeks. But I acted "as if" I was still the same confident person, and soon had 3 good job offers.

The job I accepted was intentionally going to be a struggle for me, as I would need to be on the phone with customers and visiting them in person frequently. Two things I was not a big fan of. I did not enjoy talking on a phone (I couldn't see the person and figure out what they were really thinking/feeling), and yet I didn't like the in-person meetings, either, because I had to be on my "best behavior" which to me was always an act. But I took the job anyway, and discovered there were other people like me with the same social challenges (maybe not as stunted as me, LOL!). I learned new things, new skills, and someone invited me (this was within just a few weeks of when I started the job) to attend a "cardio step class" at the gym located in the building where I worked.

I had never considered myself athletic or particularly coordinated, but the step class had structure to it, so I quickly adapted, to the point where I was teaching the class when the instructor got sick or had other personal business to attend to. So once again, I was flexing my mastery wings. But I loved the exercise--I'd rollerskated and lifted a ton in my 20's, and got away from all that while I was married, and the exercise seemed to feed my mind and get me back to that sharper place I'd been in my 20's.

I fell into a small group of runners, and along the way, captained softball, volleyball and stair-climbing teams. I've always enjoyed taking a leadership role, especially when nobody else wants to do it! One of the runners told me about 5k races, then "suggested" I do a marathon, and from there it all escalated to Ironman and beyond.

While I periodically have a conversation with myself (and sometimes close friends) about how this behavior of constant struggle and achievement might be self-destructive, I hope I have finally given up on looking at it as a bad thing. It's just how I'm wired. I never know when my ability to do all this might be taken away from me. I sit here this morning with sore arms and pecs from swimming with paddles yesterday followed by a stint on the assisted chin/dip machine, then a run where I could tell my legs were still sore from that obscene bike workout on Saturday, and knowing I need to go outside and shovel my driveway so I can leave if I need to, but I'm having someone come to my house tonight to begin some MAT sessions. I look at the workouts and events I've got planned for myself and think it's fucking crazy--why am I putting myself through this? But, the thing is, that it is this physical "excess" that feeds my mind. I know it does, and I can't object to it. Some days I am afraid of my own drive, as I feel like I'm overflowing with energy and happiness for just being who I am.

At the end of every day, I don't expect anyone else to be like me. I can't tolerate people who denigrate me for being the way I am anymore. My ex-husband did that, and some male friends have done that to me recently. It cuts deeply to my core when someone tells me I do something too much. What the fuck is too much? Am I living too much? Am I being happy too much? Am I being introspective too much? Am I trying to encourage others to be their very best too much? Am I being an example of what a person can do too much? Nobody can know what the rest of my existence is outside of what they see me doing without making an effort to get to know me better. Because while the too much is pretty evident, my inner struggle to be just enough so that someone will love me is very real. I know the doing is not what I will be loved for--it is the being. And there's a whole lot of being inside me. It is just my unfortunate luck that the way I get at it is by struggling and doing. Sometimes it's hard for me to explain this to others. I think it may be because they are so caught up in the excess of my external presentation that they don't have the energy to dig within. Their loss. I believe that I do this with my own friends--I know that whoever they are on the outside is just a skin they wear, and that they are far more to me than that. This is why I have very few close friends. It's those who also have the energy/desire to spend to probe deeper, and/or I've tried to show them how. Sometimes I just have to ask them to do that, but that's OK. All a person can do is say no. Some people do say no, and then I need to let go of them.

Wow--this was enlightening to me. I begin today wondering how the hell I am going to have the energy to shovel the snow off my driveway, do a fucking hard bike workout, get some strength training done, do my job and then be ready (and energetic enough for, if that's required) for some MAT. And probably wake up tomorrow and do it all over again. It's a daily struggle--even as I've at times said that training is easy. It is! The struggle is doing the training but doing all the other shit, too!

Tyranena Beer Run ½ Marathon Race Report

Cool fucking shirt, eh?

So while I’ve been “training,” I haven’t been following specific workouts for biking and running since February, and I’ve only been following swim workouts since August. Beginning in August, I just set frequency and volume targets for biking and running, and have been winging it as far as races I’ve done in that period of time, which included 2 sprint triathlons (2^nd AG at both), 2 sprint duathlons (1 2^nd AG, sucked on 2^nd), 2 8-mile races (sucked first one; 2^nd AG second one).

In August, I raced 4 weekends in a row, and now I am on my 3^rd of 4 weekends in a row of running races. Normally, I race like clockwork—knowing what to eat, wear, how to pace, etc., but I was a little rusty. So I’ve not gone into any of these races expecting much, but have been pleasantly surprised and never TOO disappointed in how I’ve done.

So back to Tyranena—my time was 2:10:45, 6^th in AG. Nothing stellar, and really about what I expected. I think the last formal ½ marathon I did was in 2012, the Cary ½, in 2:13:52. Here is Tyranena course and here is Cary.  Huh. So I guess I actually did OK yesterday, better than I thought. Still, I’ve not been doing tempo runs or progressive long runs or hill work, so yay there might be hope for me to get faster again! Plus, I didn’t really fully taper for Tyranena, because why would I have? I’m just out there having fun!

I drove up there yesterday morning. It is about 2 ½ hours to Lake Mills, Wisconsin. Lake Mills is where 24 Hours of Triathlon is held, and is a race that’s on my bucket list. I’d never been to Lake Mills before. It was a bit cool (upper 30’s/low 40’s), but I erred on dressing a bit too warm for the race conditions since it was windy. 

There were volunteers directing us where to park, and I was maybe a 1 block walk from the race start.

When I get to the brewery (the race is hosted by Tyranena Brewing) about 10:30, I see a line of people waiting to buy beer! In the race email, it had said we could buy the beer at a reduced price, but I figured it wouldn’t be until after the race! I laughed, because the beer line was longer than the porta-potty line! And then I thought it made sense to get the beer before the race, because I could put it in my car and it would chill nicely!

But first I went inside the large tent to pick up my packet. They were already serving beer in there, and I’m guessing there were a number of racers who intentionally were going to race with their beer already on! I got my packet, and I saw someone drinking out of a sampler cup, and I asked for one, and it was great!

Then I went to buy my beer. You could get a mixed 12-pack for $15, so I bought 2. Carrying them together back to my car was a little workout in itself, but hey, I’m tough! I’d failed to stop at the porta-potty and really had to pee when I got back to my car, but luckily I was parked amongst a bunch of semi-trailers, so I availed myself of a discrete spot between a few of them.

Now for the trip from the car for packet pickup and beer acquisition, I wore a regular down jacket over my race gear, because it was nippy! But then I had to decide if I was going to add more clothes to race in, and I decided I’d be fine with what I had on. I pinned my bib to my jacket, loaded the Fuel Belt (complete with streamers, because I felt like it), and put on my gaiters, since part of the run would be on crushed limestone and gravel, and bonus, they keep my feet warm. I’d worn my most thermal tights, a thermal Nike top and a brand new thermal neon Nike jacket that I got on sale a few weeks ago. I went with my fleece hat and gloves, which turned out to be too much, but they weigh nothing, and I could always carry them if I needed to.

I went back to the race start and met someone who’s been reading my blog for awhile and is primarily a runner, Emily. She probably thinks I’m a major kook now, but that’s OK, I’m OK with it! We chatted about how we thought we’d do (we were both right on with our finish times), lined up, and got going.

We were immediately into the wind, which at some points was so strong that it flung one of my feet into the other! I remember I think around Mile 5 that happening when we were way out in the open. You know this is called a “beer run” for several reasons—one, because of the term, “I need to make a beer run,” and two, because, well, we were running for beer! I was really hoping there’d be an aid station with beer, and I got my wish just after Mile 4! It was funny that the table had a sign on it saying “Unofficial Beer Aid Station,” but I’m pretty sure it was official! Whatever I had was tasty, tasty, and I figured it wasn’t going to hurt me one iota, and I was here in the first place because of the beer!

The first about 5.5 miles were in the open, then we hit the Glacial Drumlin Trail, which was awesome, as it was dirt and/or crushed limestone, which I love running on. I just kind of kept motoring on, not really pushing myself too hard, but just trying to keep a steady pace. It helped that there were 2 girls which I’m certain were Garmin-ized at exactly 10mpm pace, because I was near them the entire time.

It was beautiful scenery when we were running around Lake Mills, and gosh, I’d like to just go hang out there—it’s not far from Madison where I usually go riding, and very quiet and peaceful. Except for the locals who were pissed off that we were on THEIR roads and a few drivers nearly hit some of us! Oh well, there are always those who hate us and those who give us the right of way.

The last 3 miles of the run were into the wind again, and kind of tough. I slowed a bit here, but I was still around my Garmin Girls, so I was good. I drank most of the Coke in my Fuel Belt and one bottle of Gatorade, had a few cups of water, and 1 small beer. I never did eat a gel, and I’m wondering if maybe I should have. Oh well.

So when you finish, you go back into the big tent, and we each got 2 beer tickets and 1 for lunch. I wanted the beer first, so I found Emily (who is not into the beer), and I got 2 beers, began shivering a lot, drank those, then Emily left, and she gave me her beer tickets. Here are Emily and me in the beer tent:

I walked back to my car so I could doff the sweaty jacket, hat and gloves and running shoes, and put on a hoodie, regular shoes, my down jacket, a running hat and light gloves.

I went back to the tent and finally ate some lasagna. It was great! They did have vegetarian, and when I was in line for mine, I joked with some people that meat was meant to be eaten!

I wanted one more beer, and then I gave the other 2 tickets (someone else gave me a spare) to other people, listened while they called out awards (NOT MY NAME! AG winners got cool mugs), then headed back to my car to drive to my hotel. I knew better than to drive all the way home after 3 beers.

I stayed at Johnson Creek Comfort Suites in Johnson Creek. What a nice place! My room only cost $85, and could have easily slept 4 (maybe 6 I think the couch was a pullout). Here I am with a bunch of other runners at checkin:

I immediately donned a swimsuit and headed to the hot tub with another beer in hand. At this point, I was feeling kinda tipsy, but not drunk. The hot tub was huge, including a little waterfall, but it could have been hotter. At any rate, it helped to warm me back up (my natural temperature is 97, and I become hypothermic rather easily) so I wouldn’t be shivering the rest of the day.

When I got back to my room, I showered and put on clean clothes, talked to a few friends, and then at some point decided I needed to get dinner. I got to see a beautiful sunset right from my room, although I should have snapped the pic a bit earlier:

I was feeling really grateful that I have the means to travel to races like this and that I am able to run at all! I seem to have more and more moments like that lately. I have had piles of shit in my life, but now I feel SO happy being healthy (oh yeah—my right foot barely hurt during the race!), and I love racing and training, and I’m not sucking as badly as I thought I might in getting back to it.

I stopped at the front desk for a recommendation and directions, but truth be told, I wasn’t going to remember a whole lot as the combination of beer and racing left me rather not giving much of a fuck about anything. Still, I headed out in the general direction, but instead of some supper club, found a Mexican restaurant that looked like just what I needed. I tucked in and had chicken mole, one of my favorite dishes, and a decent margarita. YUM! 

Yes the margarita was sideways as was I

Well now, when I began driving back to the hotel, I realized I was indeed, intoxicated, but hey, I’m driving in Wisconsin, so all good! I actually enjoyed driving and getting what I thought was lost, but somehow I ended back up at my hotel. I had leftovers, but within an hour or so, I was back at them.

I have no idea when I fell asleep or how much sleep I got, but in my usual fashion as of late, I was wide awake at 3:30AM. So I decided to get out of bed at 4, pack up and drive home WITHOUT DRINKING COFFEE. This was an endurance event all on its own. I dislike driving in the dark, I dislike not having coffee first thing in the morning, but I was ready to go so I did. I made it home just after 7, after stopping to refuel and get a Sausage McMuffin with Egg at McDonald’s. It had to be done.

I expected a wicked hangover today, and I’ve got that going for me, but boy oh boy did I have fun! I will go back to this event again! I was supposed to go and stay with a friend, but I still had a ton of fun by myself. Next Saturday I’m doing a 25k trail race not far from home as just a training thing, but you get a cool t-shirt with a dinosaur skeleton on it. Hopefully, my friend Lori and I will tuck in for some nice foods afterwards! After that, I don’t race again (formally; although I’m doing a NothingMan Triple Dog Dare over Thanksgiving weekend—over 3 days a sprint, Oly and ½ Ironman) until February, and it will be nice to step back on the run volume for a few months and begin actual training for an Ironman in earnest!

I have a new Pro SRM on order (this drivetrain and this head unit, although I get to exchange the head unit for the PC8 in January!!!), and it should arrive in another week. I will move the drivetrain and Powertap wheels (Zipp 404’s) from Skull Kingdom to Bitch, and I’ve ordered Hed Jet 90’s for Skull Kingdom. I’m working with a guy to make custom stickers for both wheelsets, and they are going to be the most bitchin’ fucking things ever! I am so glad to be getting an SRM again—I had one from 2004-2009, then went with an Ergomo for a few years, then a Powertap (which I hate), so I’m back on the best power meter ever. Happy Birthday and Merry Christmas to me!

I really haven’t done my usual quality biking in a few years, so I’m really looking forward to lifting my FTP again (well it sucks to do but somebody has to do it) and riding lots of hills!  I’ve got several hilly races on the calendar for next year, too, and I’m confident I can get my biking prowess back. I will still hit 5,000 miles for 2013, but it didn’t include any quality work whatsoever—just enough to maintain some semblance of fitness. 2014 I should get close to 6,000 miles in and they will be quality miles.

Life is fucking awesome and I am so happy to be in it! I’m good with my race performance yesterday, and honestly, my legs aren’t a bit sore or stiff or anything, so I know I’ve got some speed potential there. I do feel REALLY solid, muscle-wise, and very prepared to enter into Ironman-level training again.

Oh and I started coached swims this past week! Magic Mike is da bomb, and I am excited to think about where I might be able to take my swimming! So everything is moving in the right direction, or will be soon enough!

All I need to do now is survive the fucking Polar Vortex that’s headed to Chicago soon. Ugh…I spent some coin on my house again this year that we will see how much of a difference it makes in my heating bills. So far, so good!

Life is short--have at it!!!

On a Roll

Thought I'd start off with this pic from September when I was visiting a friend in Vegas. Good times! I bought that swimsuit at Kohl's there for like $10. A few people at this pool told me I looked hot in it. I dunno. I think I mostly just look drunk and horny!

The tan is mostly gone, but I hope to get a bit of a refresh this Sunday in Orlando. I'm going to do a long run there, and hopefully my back will cooperate for 2 hours. I've run twice this week with no pain while running, so that's a good sign.

So far this week, I've hit pretty much everything I've had planned for training! That is such a good feeling, and now I know I'm good to go for ZebraMan the week of 12/22. I can't wait!

There have been a few more snags in the remodeling project, but for sure next week while I'm gone, both foyers will get spanking new tile (black granite upstairs and white ceramic downstairs), if Kohler actually ships the right parts I'll have a working toilet upstairs, the custom shades will be installed in my office and guest bedroom, and when I get home, we are going to lay down that zebra carpet! I'm getting custom Crackhead stickers made for Bitchie (sparkly pink, what else?), I have a solid training plan in place (subject to whimsical change, of course!), normal sleeping is coming around, I'm actually looking forward to Christmas, and I could give a crap that it's winter, cold, snowy and did I say it's fucking cold (7 degrees as I write this!)?

I've got a nice evening and Saturday morning planned before I head to Orlando (hopefully without flight delays but you never know it's supposed to snow tonight and tomorrow), and it will be nice to get away from home for a week even though it's on business. If I get there at a decent time, a friend of mine down there is going to whisk me away to some sort of triathlon gathering that should be loads of fun. I'm looking forward to meeting the crew down there as I plan on showing up regularly now that my BFF Cindy is moving down there. I'll be able to get in decent training on Monday since meetings don't begin until Tuesday. Tuesday-Thursday it will be an AM workout, most likely just running.

That's it for this week's updates until I'm in Whore-lando. I think this will be about the 12th time I've gone there?

I know it's been awhile since I've said this (what, 3 months?), but Life is Fucking Good!