Whole Lotta Stuff

Yesterday was a very full day for me. I managed to swim (pool was hot, I was slow; but back and glutes felt great) and run (glutes hurt like hell--back seemed to do OK; running on concrete didn't help!), cleaned up Bitchie, stretched a little bit, did some lawyer-y stuff, chatted with the guys building the new bathroom, accepted 3 separate deliveries (!), and worked (work work) my ass off. See how much one can accomplish with very little sleep?

I didn't sleep much again last night--partly because I'm sleeping on the sofa bed downstairs with strange blankets, partly because my back is pretty gnarly (but that hard sofa bed actually seems to be good for it), partly because I'm still so jazzed about the remodeling, partly because there's a whole lot of estate activity, partly because I'm paranoid about Thanksgiving coming and do not want to get sick or more injured, and partly because there's other shit I'm dealing with personally right now.

But I am letting the sleep thing be, because I know that if I stress out about not sleeping it will get worse. So instead, I've been using the "extra" time to my advantage, knocking out all sorts of things, so that once the remodeling is done next week (although big surprise--I may have some flooring work done!), I will only need to rake up leaves over the Thanksgiving weekend!

I really enjoyed cleaning up Bitchie--I always do! There is something about cleaning up a beautiful bike that just puts a smile on my face. I especially enjoyed getting into her crotchal areas and lubing her up. I ended up putting new rubber on her, too, as the old stuff was pretty worn. Below are shots of her from various angles, ending with the finished product in front of one of the new doors in my family/rec room. Sadly, I have no plans to ride her until almost June, since I leave LGL on the trainer for the winter. But who knows? There might be a surprise winter trip to someplace warm, and I just might decide to take her along!

Front fork, stem and bars. I love her front crotchal area!

Bottom bracket and crank, baby!

More bottom bracket and chainrings

Here she is flipped over prior to the final lubrication

Here she is with her new rubber!

One of the items that was delivered to my house yesterday is this chinup bar. One of the benefits of remodeling where one of the guys is really into fitness is that we talk about this and that, and one day I was talking about the prison workouts (which sadly I've needed to abandon until maybe December), and how I'd been doing chins at the Y, and Jared mentioned they now make bars that mount over the door frame. So I found this online and got it and it's DA BOMB! It's not attached to the frame at all--it has a piece over the backside of the top of the door frame and then the large bar that holds it in place. So now everytime I go by or into the laundry room, I'm going to see what I can do. I can also do hanging leg raises on it. This will be a great addition to my fitness routine to strengthen my upper body, eh?



Here's my little area on the sofa bed downstairs where I've been sleeping and also working. This morning, I moved the computers back into my office, since the dust level is way down in the upstairs bathroom.

Here is the bathroom at the end of the day yesterday. Electrical and plumbing were completed, and walls, floor and ceiling put in. I now will have tons of light in there, and the entire ceiling is high up since the stupid lowered ceiling over the tub was knocked down. Today's work will include taping and possibly some tiling. The guys say it will be finished tomorrow, and I'm keeping my fingers crossed! That will mean vanity, cabinets, faucets and toilet installation and painting. I'm so excited!


Another item that arrived yesterday is the towel sets I ordered online. They are not what I expected--I thought they were mostly zebra with red or black accents, but when I opened the box, I really liked that it's exactly the opposite, and these are going to look so nice in the new bathroom:



The custom shades for the office and spare bedroom also arrived, but they are just in a really long box right now and so there's no need for a picture of that! In other remodeling news, I received a call that my new garage door has arrive, and we set an installation date for Tuesday, 12/2.

In addition to remodeling and working, today's activities for me include biking on LGL, putting custom stickers on LGL (I've had them for months now--she's now ready to be christened with her given name, La Gazza Ladra!), fantasizing how the new bathroom is going to look and how the living room will look once the zebra carpet is unfurled, miscellaneous chinups, a core workout, a massage, some legal paper signing and a trip to the post office.

Something that was funny yesterday was that the guys left around 6:30PM, and I actually had the TV on! Ken remarked that he wasn't sure the TV actually worked! I told him that I'm only watching it because I've been relegated to downstairs for working, sleeping and bathroom usage (plus trainer riding now, too), and since I'm getting so much done in the early hours of the day when I could be sleeping, I now have a little time to actually watch the fucking TV. But what's funny is that Monday evening, when I normally get a massage, I didn't go (they were doing something funky in the school that Mike said I wouldn't benefit from), so I was home and free to watch my very favorite TV program, Chuck (what can I say I identify with nerds). So I actually watched that, and whatever was on afterwards, I just fell asleep watching, which was around 7:30, but I woke up around 9, putzed around a bit, fell back asleep and was back up around 2:30AM. I'm glad to have developed a habit of doing without TV, because I just ordered a bunch of vampire fiction to read over the winter, and I like reading in bed, and I'll like it even more now because I just decided this morning that the former bathroom mirror is going to go on the wall in front of my bed instead of behind the headboard vertically. I don't know why that makes me smile or has anything to do with reading, I guess I was just talking about my bedroom!

Time to get to work. Hope everyone has a great day!

Random Thoughts on Love and Marriage

Today I went for a run outside. I was in a good deal of physical and psychic pain. I am definitely hurt! I feel like I’ve been in an accident, and I suppose I have. Anyway, I was thinking about love and then marriage and some thoughts came to me.

I am friends with a married couple that I believe to be very much in love. This wasn’t always the case—they almost let their love die at one time, but they worked very hard and got it back. I am friends with another couple that isn’t married and never will be that I know to be very much in love. They have a commitment to one another that if the love dies, they will set one another free.

I am friends with several married couples that I know to be not in love. They are staying together for one or more of the following: convenience (economic or otherwise), kids, laziness. Personally, I couldn’t stay with someone I wasn’t in love with no matter what, but I have my own perspective and I suppose the means to do pretty much whatever I want, and for that I’m truly grateful.

My own parents spent many of their years definitely not in love. It caused me a lot of pain and I wonder who I would be now if they had instead gone after their own happiness. In their later years when Mom was very ill and fragile, Dad stepped up and it seemed to me he recognized the value of pure love and went after it, but it was never a complete love. I wonder who my parents would have been if they had set one another free and gone after their own happiness. You know we didn’t have much economic means as a family, but I still would have lived with less to see them happy and know that I wasn’t being used as some sort of excuse for them to not do what they needed to do.

My own marriage ended because we weren’t in love. I thought I might have been in love, and some of the statements below about love rang true with me, but they weren’t mutual, and it has to be mutual.

I have not had much romantic love in my life. I’ve become a doer, because doing gets you through life. Being and love give happiness. I’ve tried to learn to do more being, I suppose, as a substitute for the romantic love. We all have to do something if we don’t have it, right?

Anyway, here are the thoughts that occurred to me today:

• Love cannot be left alone or it dies. I’ve seen many marriages left alone, and they continue. Especially since the institution was basically created as a means to ensure that children have an economic chance at growing up.
• Love is a commitment. Marriage is an obligation.
• Love is the desire to be with the other person as much as possible. Marriage is well, just knowing that person is there with or without desire.
• Love is always wanting to be in the other person’s heart and thoughts. Marriage is expecting it, whether or not it’s true.
• Love is never feeling alone when you’re with its object. Marriage doesn’t care one way or the other.
• Love is like a risky investment that demands you watch it carefully—by what you say, what you do, how you renew one another. Marriage is safe—like investing in bonds.
• Love is wanting the fireworks to be there as much as possible, requiring you to look for or manufacture the sparks. Marriage is being satisfied with a slow burn…
• Love is the joy the other person infuses in you. Marriage is being happy for the other person but it has nothing to do with you.
• Love demands physical and spiritual intimacy. Marriage demands only cooperation.

I was not very joyful running today. I was in pain.

Bathroom Progress

Yesterday was a productive day in the (old) new bathroom. After the old tub was removed, Ken got to work on preparing for the installation of the new one:



Below is most of the debris from the bathroom, patiently waiting outside for the dumpster, which will be here on Monday, at which time I will be adding a bunch more stuff to it from my garage:

The new, black tub is in place, and before Ken left, I noted that he got it all dirty! But I was able to tell that water looks real pretty against the black.


Ken left a shop light in there hanging from the rafters, showing me how to turn it on in case I wanted to "gaze upon my new tub." Of course, I did that this morning, and here's a shot of the area, including the new window, which also went in yesterday:

This morning (it's still morning!), I got out my industrial strength black magic marker from one of my tri bags to use to scratch out mailing labels on a box that I'm sending off to someone today. As soon as I put that marker in my hand, I thought, "Hey, why not inscribe something on the studs before the walls are put in?" And so I did:


I don't know whether another person will ever see my writing in the future, but if they do, and they wonder who Crackhead was and what was going on in her (if they can figure that out) life at the time the bathroom was completed, well let's just say there would be too much for me to write all over the studs. There has been a lot of destruction going on my life, and I am attempting to reassemble myself and I'm not sure how that's going to turn out just yet, but I know that this last bit of remodeling (for 2008, anyway) is going to carry a lot of meaning to me. I suppose I wrote that I'm a stud because I'm going through a bit of a physical/emotional/spiritual crisis right now, and I am counting the days to when I am physically healed, emotionally stabilized and spiritually reconnected to myself and the universe. Who knew you could put all that into the simple message I left for myself? I am trying to remind myself of what I know I am and have become and will return to hopefully sooner rather than later. What better way than to leave my message in a place that will be beautified not just for me but for whoever owns this house next?

Remodeling is a Dangerous Sport

So the injuries I sustained on Saturday are focused on my right side--my left knee and quads took a hit from the shelf that fell on top of me as I fell backwards, but it's mainly the right side of my lower back/glutes that is messed up, and also my right knee and shin. You'd think that'd be enough, right?

FUCK NO!!!

Today, the guys are demolishing the bathroom--some pics below of the wide open space all the way up to the roof!

This is the wall where the mirror and vanity used to be

This is looking all the way up to the roof! The new ceiling will be raised about 1.5 feet. I suppose I could have asked for a skylight, but too late now.

Here's Ken dismantling the plumbing in the old tub (ick) with a hole where the window used to be

Looking up towards the roof beams

So they are banging away with a sledge hammer to get the tub out of there. I'm working and sleeping downstairs now, and I needed to pee, so I go in the new downstairs bathroom, sit down and I'm attacked by this lobster, which fell off a shelf over my head. Thank goodness it didn't hit my head--it's made of cast iron, about 12" long, and you can see that the claws and one leg are now missing:


I don't know which piece made a direct hit on my ass, but it hurt, and the result was this nice cut on my left ass cheek, so now I have injuries on both sides of my ass!


I iced the cut right after it happened, stuffing a small ice pack into my compression tights, which held it in really nice.

Well, they have the tub out of there so I assume that no more objects will be falling on top of me! At least the cut (about 2" long) is up above my sit bones, so I didn't feel any pain while riding the trainer today. When I showered though, and the hot water hit the cut, it did sting for a bit.

I am going to actually pray, I think, for no more injuries. Or gas leaks (the gas line to the dryer has a slight leak). What's funny is my physical injuries are making my lack of sleep seem like a non-issue, but since I've put in over 2 hours of training today, I'm hoping I'll pass out like a baby tonight.

Testing out the System

...while wearing my Zoot compression tights...

My back has not been real happy today, but that's because I spent a lot of time sitting yesterday. It occurred to me that I have these tights, and as soon as I put them on, I realized that the big (literally) muscle that I've pulled is my glutes--all 3 of them, I think--medius, minimus and maximus. Since they act in concert with the low back, it's no wonder it feels more like my back. In going through my strength routine, I'm able to do rows, and after I finish the dumbbells, I'll get started on the core stuff. If I'm able to do hyperextensions without pain, well, then I'm pretty sure that what I've got is a pain in the ass!

Oh yeah--my office/strength room is still ghetto until I get the new shades, which are en route as we speak!!! Upstairs bathroom didn't get started yesterday, but I'm hoping it gets rolling this morning!

Man--I still love lifting. Especially this time of year. Makes me feel good and strong, although I've got a ways to go, but I am looking forward to some major league DOMS and suffering!

LGL's Clean and Ready to Go

Bitch is next...she's been waiting a long time to get all the NothingMan crap off her. Oddly, I'm excited about riding LGL on the trainer tomorrow. Allegedly I'm adding 2 more Ironman's to my total next year, although I guess there's arguments over whether I can count the 2 NothingMan's or not. I count them. I've worked my ass off over the past 8 years for this and it's one of the things that nobody can take away from me.

I may be bruised, cut up and spiritually broken, but nobody can take that away from me.

And so my training begins for 2009.

Damage Report, Progress and Life

It took me about 12 hours to clean and reassemble my family (rec) room and laundry room on Saturday. In the process, I tossed out more stuff, and even cleaned out my crawl space. I was laughing at the point at which I took the vacuum cleaner into the crawl space! I ditched a bunch of beer mugs and pilsner glasses (or at least they will not be going back up on the bar).

Yesterday morning, I woke up and really began assessing the damage from my Saturday morning stupidity. My right shin has a big (5" or so) bump that will turn all sorts of colors in the following days. I have a little 3/4" gash there, too, and from the looks of it, I'll have a nice scar. Something to remember this period of remodeling by, I suppose!

Both of my knees got banged right in the kneecaps, too. I didn't know until I motivated to the Y to try and do stationary bike and elliptical that also my ass is probably bruised. The fall sequence went something like this: low back muscles pull to try and protect me, butt hits floor (effectively concrete), shelves fall on top of my knees and then hit my shins. I wish I could have seen the video! It all felt like it was in slow motion, and my biggest fear was how jacked up my back would be.

The good news is that when I woke up yesterday, I didn't feel particularly gnarly. I slept OK (for how I've been sleeping the past 5 weeks--been averaging about 6 hours a night) and didn't awaken to any big restriction of movement. But when I got on the bike, that's when I could tell my butt took a good hit and also my knees.

Oh well! I managed an hour stationary bike and an hour elliptical. Extremely boring, but it had to be done. I ended up getting in about 9.5 hours of "training" last week, and at least I got back to something consistent. This morning I'm going to give swimming a go, although I'll be careful to abandon ship if my back objects to twisting.

After my workouts yesterday, I hit up Home Depot, Target and the grocery store, since I had no time or energy left after Saturday's cleaning festival. I scored a bunch of hooks for the laundry room, a number of storage bins, and another pair of silver shoes (damn you, Target!). I finished organizing the laundry room this morning, and here are some pics. The floor mounted cabinets don't have tops yet because I'm ordering a green custom laminate, and I've got ceiling hooks where I'll hang my race wheels and spare tires:

I made the little ruffle. It's inspired me to hunt down a Henri Rousseau print for the empty wall.

Yeah--the washer/dryer are almond. I may have my guys spray paint them white because I know that eventually it will annoy me.

One of my topless cabinets

Yes, I have many helmets (aero helmet not shown) and many swimsuits

I know it seems silly to get so excited about a laundry room, but I've finally got places to organize a lot of my triathlon crap so that's it's not spread all over the house. Who knew I could get so organized like this?

This morning begins the upstairs bathroom remodeling, which I am very excited about--it's going to be gorgeous. Anyway, last week, I took the liberty of taking anything off the walls, emptying the vanity and tossing the drawers and doors. Here's the ugliness that is being demolished today:



That mirror? It is being saved!!! I'm having it mounted (sans frame) over the head board of my bed. I do like mirrors ;) It's 52" wide and about 36" tall, and there are no scratches on it. The idea of saving it came to me on Saturday in the midst of cleaning.

I have all my chrome for the new bathroom, and I'm such a geek that I took pictures of the pieces. The pictures won't do them justice, but you can get the idea:

Hand towel bar, toilet paper holder and robe hook

Tub spigot. I wanted a waterfall, but they don't make them for the type of tub I have :(

Shower head, control and spigot

Waterfall lavatory faucet and handles as if looking down from above

Waterfall lavatory faucet and handles as if looking head on

The hardware is just so beautiful! I know that once the bathroom is finished, I'm going to go in there and just watch the water coming out of the faucet!

I've already purchased towels, waste basket, etc. I was trying to design a funky black/white pattern for the tile floor, but I'm going to just let my guy do it white with some random black tiles, since there is going to be a lot of black in there! The black Kohler tub should be going in today, and I'll take pictures in progress as everything comes together. Assuming the furniture arrives this week, the room should be completed Friday.

This morning I'm moving my computers and minimal bathroom accessories downstairs for the week. In some ways, I've felt like I've been staying in a hotel, only I'm getting weekly room upgrades! Once the upstairs bathroom is wallboarded, I'll unroll the zebra carpet in the living room, as the dust will be gone.

In other news, things are looking good for finalizing the last piece of my Dad's estate. How cool is it going to be for me to have effectively a new house, finish that and be able to just, well, live? Pretty fucking cool, I think. It's going to be odd for me to have so much free time on my hands, but it's not like I don't have other things to do--Thanksgiving weekend will be spent doing the final leaf raking and cutting down and covering my rose bushes. And then it will only be 2 months until my first race!!!!

Now, if I can just heal up all these bruises and muscle strains, I'll be good to go!

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!

Just when you think things can't get any worse, they do.

So I'm cleaning and moving things around downstairs, and like a dumbass, I decide to try and move this heavy shelf thing that I wanted out of my way. It is going in the trash, anyway.

I'm sliding it moving backwards and caught my right foot on something else in the way and could feel the fall in slow motion and my back being pulled something fierce at the same time, and it hurt while it happened.

Was able to stand up and immediately get my huge ice pack and lay down on it, and will begin icing/Vitamin I hourly. Last time I did this, I didn't get on the ice and was miserable, so perhaps I will only be down for the count today.

On the plus side, it's going to feel better standing up, and I can still continue on with some of the cleaning and moving of small items.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!!

Update: Took some Vitamin I, on my second round of icing, and already I'm walking almost normally, can squat down and bend over (carefully). So, if I'm extra careful today, I may be able to spin on the bike and who knows? I may be able to run tomorrow...we'll see!

After the Fall

Bunch of Pieces

Destruction

Sorry, wrong video. This one:

Islands of Serenity during Chaos

I'm in the process of trying to restore myself to a state of serenity--the place where I thought I was, at least, in September. That process requires a few things:

• time and motivation for me to stretch daily (except for days when I get a massage), which is one of my restorative activities. It's even better when I can do a bit of it first thing in the morning in my living room, which is where I keep my Buddha. Buddha is decorated with ribbons from many floral arrangements that I've received in the past few years (many from Cindy). The ribbons remind me of good times and sad times, and placing them on Buddha symbolizes to me that life is comprised of both, and we wouldn't be who we are without both experiences. My stretching time is also a meditative time, and so it helps me center myself at either the beginning or end of a day.
• things (even though things themselves are not important) that remind me of peacefulness. In the process of having my home office painted, I moved many things around and decided I needed to make an area on my desk for my serenity chimes (yes, that's what they were called when I bought them many, many years ago). I like the chimes because the frame reminds me of

  π

  which is one of my favorite transcendental numbers. The chimes are flanked by two stone obelisks. I like obelisks because they are monolithic, and that also brings to mind being centered, peaceful and also at times some sort of higher power concept. In front of the chimes are my marbles, that I've had for I don't know how long. I used to keep them in a suede pouch (see this really old post for my first reference to them and fun facts about me if you've never read them before) hanging on the wall in my office; recently I figured out they would all fit into this small vase that is very special to me, and so that's where they now live as part of this small tableau.
• time and desire to read novels. I haven't had time for the last 3 months between travel and remodeling and (as a friend called it) "shifting the shit." But reading--fantasy, deep thought-provoking and other occasional non-fiction--is something that when I am able to do it means that I am in a good place. Last winter, the point at which I was able to pick up books to read again marked a turning point in my grief process. I've decided I need to reread Going to Pieces Without Falling Apart for the third time. It's been a real comfort to me twice before during difficult periods of my life, and I'm sure I'll gain additional insight from it this time.
  
• some semblance of a training program. Isn't it interesting that I didn't list this first? While, in fact, training is very important to me, it's only one component that needs to coexist with the others for me to feel good and benefit from the training.
• adherence to a healthier diet. This typically happens naturally once I'm training with some regularity.
• restful and continuous sleep. This is also highly dependent on getting back in training, because one thing I know about myself is that I do need to achieve a certain combination of physical exhaustion and lack of stress in order to sleep well. It's just the way it is right now.
• make some changes. Well, obviously, repainting and remodeling my entire house is a bunch of change! But I also have switched gears from wanting a bunch of pink accessories to silver (my silver shoe collection above) and zebra. In a way, the silver reminds me of simpler times in my life. I had a pair of silver shoes in college (they started out black and I spray-painted them silver, but believe it or not they looked good) that I wore to death, and recently I recalled my love of silver shoes. I started out with the sparkly Converse ones that I've had since just before IMLP, and I added the other 3 pairs (who knew Sperry topsiders came in silver?) just recently. I know it sounds trite and unevolved, but there's something about wearing silver shoes on my feet that when I look down gives me a tiny bit of good feeling, and we can all take all the good feelings we can get, right?
• look at photos--old and new. All but one of my wedding photos were destroyed (no love lost there), and many personal photos by my former cats spraying on them. I only have a few boxes left, and luckily the really old stuff was untouched. Above is me (guess which one) in college when it was around Halloween, I was Social Chairman, and to raise money for our philanthropy and also parties, we sold massage for $1/minute. I have also been looking through many new photos, mostly stored in Flickr, to remind me of all the good people and times in my life.
  

I have been at wit's end as far as when my Dad's estate can be closed, because for me (and I've learned this is very common for Executors), that will mark a major sense of closure and peace. Not that I haven't come to terms with my Dad's death--I have--but the estate closure will mark a very real point on the calendar where I can know I've finished a job. I'm now working on the very last piece, and if all goes well, I should be able to finish things up in January. Knowing what the final steps (and there are some convoluted ones) in the process are gives me peace of mind.

Of course, being sick for nearly a week wasn't helping things, and the remodeling being unfinished continues to create stress. But the illness is gone, I'm starting to feel better and get back to training and I'm managing to find a few minutes each day to stretch. I've got a few places in the house that, despite the disarray, remind me of peacefulness, I'm starting to eat better, and I know that in a few weeks I'll start to have time to read again. I just need to make it through (hopefully) the next two weeks of remodeling stuff and I should be in a much better place.

One day at a time!

Cali Girl Barbie Directs *NEW* Porno TV Cooking Show!!!

Feeling Much Better

I'm doing a whole lot better today. Spent the entire weekend being sick and taking so many drugs that I couldn't tell whether I was getting better or not.

On Saturday, I made a foray to buy some house stuff, intending to go to 2 or 3 different stores, but after completing one stop, I was so exhausted that I headed back home for more soup, medicine, and bed time.

Yesterday around 10AM I decided I was done taking drugs and would tough it out, and magically I was able to complete a small odyssey, and got a lot of cool stuff for my bathroom that will begin construction next week.

Some things that were weighing heavily on my mind came to resolution in the past few days. I ended up settling on pure black granite for the vanity top in the bathroom, and then I went faucet hunting. Today I will find out if my guy can obtain all the parts for the ONLY FAUCET DESIGN THAT I LIKE!!!

I ordered these towels and also these. I got black/chrome waste basket and other accessories plus plain red and black towels from Target, and now I just need to agonize over a rug. I'm also thinking about how I want the floor tile laid--it will be black and white on the diagonal, but maybe I want a pattern--maybe not.

I reordered blinds for my office and guest bedroom from Home Depot after Lowe's fucked up my order over 4 weeks ago, but they should arrive in time for the final day of remodeling where we'll lay down the zebra carpet (which should arrive any day now) and I'll write a big check for the remaining work.

I stretched yesterday for the first time in about a week and a half, and I'm not sure whether it was stretching or what, but both my psoas muscles are in a bit of a spasm, but I'm not too worried about them.

I am still sick, but way better than I was 2 days ago. At least my nose isn't running like a faucet and the headache is finally gone. I'm not sure whether I can work out today, but I'm thinking at least a core session will be a good thing. Since I can breathe almost normally again, I can go and get a massage tonight!

I am just no good mentally when I am physically sick, and having the double whammy this past week really sucked the big one. But things are looking up--see the post above!

Sickness and Grief

I've been swimming in emotions since just before my birthday, since last year at that time is when my Dad took ill, and then next came his birthday, and 2 days ago the one year anniversary of his death.

I came back from PCB having had a nice time away from these thoughts, although I cried my eyes out on the balcony the night before I left in anticipation of the death anniversary. And since I've been having all the remodeling done in my house and people occupying it, I've had another distraction from my own emotions.

I had another good cry on Monday after returning from PCB, but it wasn't that bad, because I was so tired from lack of sleep that it kind of balanced things out.

Tuesday, the death anniversary, was surprisingly calm for me, and it really made me feel good to be with some of my family.

Wednesday morning I woke up to feeling sick in the same way I was last year at Thanksgiving. I knew that it was a result of all the grief and emotional processing, and I didn't think I would ever feel that awful again, but there it was. I managed to get through the work day OK since the contractors had returned so I didn't really have the freedom to walk around and cry, and I also didn't have the freedom to just lay in bed and be physically sick! I felt so awful at one point, that I could feel my eyelids trying to shut on me just to block everything out, even if I didn't sleep. I laid in bed for about 15 minutes so my eyes could shut and I could be in the moment with both the physical and emotional pain, but then got up and back at work because I had to.

On Wednesday afternoon, I was busy working and listening in on a conference call and web broadcast, and within minutes of one another I got phone calls from the estate lawyer and a grief counselor that has been following up with me over the past year (I've requested this to continue for a few months). I couldn't talk to either of them right then, and at the same time I wanted to scream and cry and tell them everything that has been going on and how sad I am and how helpless I feel.

Yesterday I was finally able to speak with the grief counselor, and I explained to her that I had become physically sick, and felt just like I did a year ago when the immediate pain of grief was on me. She assured me that all of this is normal, that the death anniversary is a trigger that sets you back. I told her that my triggers began about 2 weeks ago, and now I get to continue on into Thanksgiving and Christmas, although I've been through them once without my Dad. Last year the holidays were absolutely terrible. I am really hoping it's not as bad this time around, because I feel absolutely awful, and I don't think I can handle another 2 months of this. I told her I've been effectively unable to train the way I want to, which just compounds the bad feelings even further. She was kind enough to remind me that I had come a long way since a year ago and that all of these feelings I'm having now are perfectly normal.

Normal! Big fucking deal! It's normal to feel like complete and total crap! The counselor told me that this will pass, too. In my heart I know it will, and I know that every little thing that goes wrong right now just amplifies the feelings I'm having, and that there's nothing I can do about anything external to me, even though those things are stressing the hell out of me. I am trying to dig deep into my heart and soul and convince myself that things are going to be OK again--that I will feel alive, hopeful and happy. That is all I want for the time being. Right now I feel dead, hopeless and very sad. I am doing the things that I need to do to be alive--that's about it. Writing stuff down helps in a way because it helps me capture a point in time. I know that when I am speaking with friends about myself that I do not have much clarity, and I'm swinging between one thing and the other, changing my mind on decisions that I thought were solid, and being generally dysfunctional, much like I felt a year ago.

I slept maybe 2 hours last night. I am pretty drained. At least today, though, there will be no other people in my house. If I need to decide to call in sick to work today, I can do that. My eyes already want to close on me but not to sleep just to not see and not feel.

I am very frightened of Thanksgiving coming up because my house stuff will be finished, and I'll be left here, all alone, with something that I should be enjoying, right? And then I'll jump right back into remembering that Dad isn't here, but maybe I can remember 2 years ago when he and I shared Thanksgiving dinner in my home. Maybe I'll cook what I cooked for him then. I know I'll always remember how much he loved me and wanted me to be happy.

I'm trying. It's very difficult right now, but I'm trying.

What it's About

Yesterday was the one-year anniversary of the death of my Dad. I began experiencing the repeat sadness Sunday night while I was still in PCB. I've since deduced that I have a 2-day rule when it comes to these things--I have anticipatory grief 2 days before. I didn't have it in me to be too sad on Monday because I was so tired from lack of sleep, but I didn't feel well, and so it helped to sit down and recap my trip to PCB since it was filled with laughter and happiness and all that is positive and good in the world.

Yesterday I returned to work, and while I felt mentally pretty much good, inside me my body was churning and wrestling with me trying to make me feel bad. I am very familiar with the physical sensation of grief. For me, it's like someone has cut a hole in my stomach, put a vise on my heart, and turned my arm and leg muscles to jello. I did swim in the morning, but made it short, as my emotions went from complete joy in thinking about my nice little vacation, causing me to laugh hysterically, to the feelings of sadness, which made it hard to breathe and I had to fight off tearing up in my goggles.

Around 12:45, I went for a ride on LGL. It was a beautiful day, and very unusual weather for November. We are having Indian Summer now! Because my muscles did not wish to work for me, I could not ride hard at all, but that was OK. It was just nice to be outdoors in the sunshine, and it occurred to me that I should always go for a bike ride on my Dad's death anniversary, since that is the exercise that he took up in his 70's to maintain some sort of cardiovascular fitness. So I rode about 1:30, and it did make me feel better.

I'd called my brother, Mike, before I left for PCB and asked if he'd want to go out for dinner yesterday, and he had, and I called him early in the day to be sure we were still good to go. I decided to also invite his daughter (my niece), Michelle. Michelle asked if her fiance, Jeff, could come too, and I said sure.

We all met at Pappadeaux's, which is near to where Michelle lives, and not far from me. Before Michelle and Jeff arrived, I ordered this great Bloody Mary, which included hand-stuffed bleu cheese olives:

It was tasty, tasty. Below is a picture of all of us, from left to right, Mike, me, Michelle and Jeff.


Here's just me enjoying my cocktail:

Here's Michelle with her Dad, my brother Mike:

Below are Michelle and Jeff, who are to be married on 9/20/2009, which they both informed me is the day after International Talk Like a Pirate Day. They said they tried to get their reception place and everything exactly on 9/19, but were unable to. But they said it's easy for their friends to remember far in advance when the wedding will be! I asked if they were going to dress as pirates, and unfortunately, no. But Jeff tells me that both Pirate and Ninja (apparently, there is a cosmic battle going on between Ninjas and Pirates) wear will be prominent amongst the guests! I'm excited for their impending marriage, as it's been quite awhile since anyone in my immediate or extended family has gotten married, and it will give me an excuse to sew a really nice dress or two.

When all was said and done, basically we just got together and had dinner together. Mike and I talked a bit about Dad before Michelle and Jeff arrived, but over dinner we just had normal conversation. And that is the point. Life is about being with people you love. Period. All the other crap like what you do for a living, hobbies, administrative nonsense, are just filler. Of course, the more of those things you can do with people you love, the better.

Which is why I've been filling my free time over the last 7 weeks or so being with people I love, even though many of them do not live near me. It is the best thing, and it's what gets me through all the other times when I can't be with them for whatever reason.

This morning I registered for Ironman Kansas 70.3, and now I need some of those people I love (none of them pictured above) to register, too, or make time to come and spectate! I had wanted another 1/2 Ironman in my schedule before IMLP, and now I've got it! I'll have a jam-packed schedule beginning with Triple T and ending with Ironman Canada (see my sidebar for the schedule), but I'm now getting excited about all of it since I'll be with people I love at each of them!

It's ironic that someone made a remark about me to a friend of mine on the order of, "Do you want to end up like her?" What does that mean? I think I'm "ending up" in a good way! Sure, there are my Crackheaded adventures, not all of which I make public, and sure I can be a bit of an exhibitionist at times (although I always say that when I no longer look good in skimpy attire I will stop that noise), and it is true that I absolutely love to laugh and giggle and get other people around me to laugh and enjoy themselves, but what's wrong with any of that? At the core of all this is that I love being with people that I love. And it's important to me to find as many of them as I can. We all need to feel loved and give it back. That's it. That's what this thing called life is about. And when you think about someone you loved that is gone, keep living and loving.

Ironman Florida Spectating and Nothing Report

Click on the post title to get to the HUMONGOUS Flickr folder with all kinds of pics that chronicle my time in beautiful Panama City Beach, Florida. The pic above is Cindy and I on race day out doing our spectating thing.

I was so lucky to stay with Shelley and her family, who you will see in many of the photos, particularly her son, Eric. Eric and his Dad spent a lot of time golfing, but then we all hung out at the pool, the expo, the Gatorade swim and various other locations.

Here's a brief summary of the good stuff that happened:

Wednesday: I arrived, Shelley picked me up. Shelley gave me some birthday gifts (naughty panties and some other pink stuff), and I gave her some pink stuff from Trashy Cat. I went for a 1-hour bike ride on the course with Shelley and her friend, Dennis. Shelley had a technical, which we were able to repair in order to get back, and we got new seat post bolts on the way home so she was good to go for race day. Wednesday evening, Shelley made one of her amazing dinners, which we ate out on the balcony looking at the sunset. Shelley, Eric and I went to Walmart for provisions, and while there, we had fun in the ladies' bra department. I got a new Barbie that came with "TV Cooking Show" accoutrements. Eric played the trumpet.

Thursday: Eric, his Dad (Jeff) and I volunteered at the Gatorade swim. I got a cool shirt from Tom Ziebart. I had fun watching the athletes doing their thing (and sometimes laughed at them or with them). Shelley, Jeff and I went to a winery and tasted many wines, none of them made from grapes! The winer is the Panama City Beach Winery. Check them out! I bought a case of the tomato/chile pepper and 6 bottles each of coconut and passion fruit. I had mine shipped home, since it was cheaper than paying for it to fly on the airplane with me! I also got some nice Caribbean hot sauces. Shelley bought a few bottles of some other wines to take back home. The wine tasting set us up for a nice afternoon of hanging at the pool and walking along the beach. Shelley had some more training to do in the afternoon, and so I opted for a long walk down the beach to visit with Brett, his wife Courtney, and their twins. It was really nice and peaceful walking down the beach. When everyone got back, we had another great dinner care of Shelley's cooking.

Friday: This was a jam-packed day! It began with Shelley organizing her race crap and me organizing what i was going to need for the day. Shelley, Jeff and Eric all went and volunteered at the Gatorade swim, and I suited up to swim 1/2 the course myself and then run afterwards. After that, we all went and ate breakfast/lunch at Waffle House. Eric and Jeff went golfing, and since it was such a gorgeous day, Shelley and I went down to the pool and ended up taking a nice, long walk on the beach together, talking and laughing. I was wearing a thong, and some guy (Pumpkin Man) was behind us walking enjoying the view. We chatted with him and continued along on our way. On the way back to the condo, I saw a sailboat that seemed perfect for some hot photos, and so we posed and snapped away! Then Shelley needed to check her bike in, and I tried sneaking into transition with Eric's bike, but it didn't have numbers so they wouldn't let me in with the bike, so I handed the bike over the fence, jumped it, parked it, and then went back in with just a wristband from IMLP. Got a few pics of Shelley and Maria, and then we all went back to the condo to hang at the pool some more. I put the thong swimsuit back on, Shelley and I took another walk, and I ended up crawling through a sand tunnel! One woman didn't think I'd fit, but the men could tell that I would, and so I went through and Shelley took great pics there. Back at the pool, I was then kicked out for wearing a thong, but it was late anyway, so our pool time was over. Shelley made another kick-ass dinner which would set her up for race day. I really liked her garlic bread. I tell ya--people that love garlic are good in my book always! Next, Shelley and I dressed up as if we were Halloweening, but we ended up only making some of the athletes a bit nervous (I guess that was my fault--thong swimsuit with thigh high stockings and a tutu and crown???) and then walking down the main road a bit strutting our stuff. Finally, returning home, we had to get Shelley to sleep early for race day. It was Halloween, though, and we were watching Poltergeist, and I finally had to turn it off because I didn't want any nightmares.

Saturday: Race day!!! My plan was to sneak into transition with Shelley, then watch the swim start and then get Jeff to drive me out onto the bike course to do some riding, and then wait for Shelley to finish 1/2 marathon and then sort of jump onto the course myself and run 13 miles or so, just for training. Getting into transition was a snap with my handy IMLP wristband, and I even pumped up some athlete's tires. I gave Shelley a short massage to get her loosened up, and then I went down to the Gulf to watch things kick off. It was, as are all Ironman starts, a true spectacle! Funny thing was that the people who lined up right on the buoys got out about 25 yards and hit a sandbar and all had to stand up and walk! I got a good pic of that! Then I hung out waiting for my peeps to come out of the swim, and I caught most of them in action with good swim times! Next I walked back to the condo, where Jeff and Eric already were, and Eric made us all a great breakfast of scrambled eggs, hash browns and peppers! I didn't really feel like I needed all that food, but what the heck, I'm doing some exercise! Jeff then drove us out onto the place I thought would be good for me to start riding (I had David Greenfield, who I've known for several years, of Elite Bicycles, give me as good a position as possible) on Eric's bike, which is a road bike with toe clips. The place I picked was at about mile 59 of the course, which was perfect! I had initially thought about riding the course in reverse, but I ended up riding in the race! It was fucking totally fun, except for observing all the cheating going on. And I mean blatant cheating! But what was also fun was that me being out there fucked with a few people's heads, particularly the men. Women were all like, "Great job!" One guy asked if he could ask me my swim split, and I flipped him off. Some German chic shouted something at me in German which I imagined was cursing. I kept totally to the right so I didn't obstruct anyone's racing, and actually rode at about 19-20MPH most of the time, so I knew it was going to be a fast race for everyone. I hadn't ridden 60 miles in weeks, but I managed it just fine, on a gorgeous, gorgeous day, and then I had to do some fancy footwork to avoid the transition area and get back to the condo. I stopped by the Elite tent to hang with David and his wrenches, and decided I'd put on a swimsuit to come out and cheer until I was ready to run. I even drank 2 beers! Cindy came by, and that was awesome, and I also met Bigun and his wife. My Brazil bikini was very popular with both racers and spectators. I ran with some random people just to get them motivated. I met Peter Kotland, who has the course record for the Ultraman double marathon at 5:33. Unbelievable! There was much laughing and cheering, it was totally fun. I figured about when Shelley would be returning from her half marathon, so I ran upstairs to suit up for my own run. I may end up appearing in official race photography! The spectators were all cheering for me as I ran, which was both cool and weird. I hadn't run 13 miles since NothingMan, and wasn't sure I could, but I ended up doing about 15 which was cool. I tried to get into the condo to change since I was cold for underdressing for the night chill, but spazzed out on opening the combination lock for awhile, and so I missed seeing Shelley cross the finish line, which pissed me off. But she came back and Eric and I helped her shoes and socks off her tired feet, and she didn't eat anything. I had a few beers and rustled up a sandwich because I was still hungry and thirsty, and got to bed around 11:00PM. I hoped Shelley would wake up hungry because I went to bed hungry and knew I'd be starving in the morning!

Here's how my peeps did in the race:

Adam:

33

09:07:41

BROWN

ADAM

M25-29

2/111

Forrest:

534

11:01:41

FOWLER

FORREST

M50-54

29/173

Brett:

563

11:06:02

CORNWRIGHT

WILLIAM

M35-39

97/351

Shelley:

1666

13:40:03

MCKEE

SHELLEY

W45-49

56/91

Maria:

1272

12:34:34

EID

MARIA

W40-44

47/99

Sunday: This was play day! It began by, of course, a visit to Waffle House for breakfast. All of us were hungry, and managed to eat a bunch of food! Next, we went back to the expo so Shelley could get her some FINISHER CRAP!!! There was a really long line, because they would only let in like 4 people at a time, and I saw a table with nothing on it and offered to give Shelley a massage while we waited (Jeff stood guard for our place in line). I worked on her head, face and neck pretty well, but only one leg! I never did finish that massage, so I guess I owe her one! I ended up getting an IMFL beanie, that I really love, and some socks. After expo, it was time for more beach, Gulf and sun, as it was the most beautiful day so far! At sunset, we ran into our neighbors and hung with them a bit and had some beers, and then finally, Shelley and her family and I had dinner at Hammerheady's. We had a lot of hoots there, and then went back to the condo to do laundry and pack. I had to take apart the Barbie thing in order to cram it into one of my bags.

Monday: This basically consisted of wake up, final pack, load the car and go. I was truly sad to leave such a beautiful place, but even more so to leave a great friend that I don't get to see very often. But Shelley and I will see one another soon, I hope, and maybe we can just hang out and train! I think Eric might miss me, too, but he's 14, and any day now, I am sure he will not be liking his Iron Auntie as much anymore, but I hope he never outgrows it, because he's such a good kid and I really like him! My flights home were uneventful, and I'm really tired, and luckily I get a massage tonight.

Tomorrow will be a somber day as it's the 1-year anniversary of my Dad's death, but he would be happy knowing that I FINALLY took a freaking vacation and spent it with great people! So although I know I'll be shedding some tears tonight and tomorrow, I also know that I know some of the most wonderful people in the world, and am grateful for everything that I do have right now.

The Ironman lifestyle is a great thing. Sometimes I forget it, but this past several days just reinforced how much I love this sport and the people in it.

Have a great week! Below are my feet the day after, still looking awesome. I must have been commenting on something else I was looking at!