Just Finished Ultraman, and the Blog is Public!!!

Hey all you strangers and stalkers out there.

I have decided that it's time for my blog to once again be public (and it will be automagically replicated to Facebook).

In case you weren't paying attention, I just completed Ultraman Canada. Yes, an official finisher!!!

I keep getting tears in my eyes thinking about what just happened and what it all means, and I have a book to write about all of it--the race itself, my preparations, what I did well, what I could do better.

On the plane from Vancouver back to Chicago today, I opened my official course map book that was prepared by one of my crew members, Richard Nelson. While I can't usually remember mile-by-mile events during a one day race let alone a 3 dayer, I began capturing whatever I can, and will continue to do that and get it organized and begin writing here again.

But let me begin with the end (a la Stephen Covey). This is what I wrote to describe how I felt (but didn't speak aloud to my pacer, Lee Utsumi) when I was about 10km from the finish line on Day 3 (84km/52.4 mile run), knowing that I would finish:

I am, despite the pain in my feet and legs, having the time of my life! All I can feel is gratitude--for the beautiful weather and scenery, a patient and loving crew (Lee Utsumi, Richard Nelson and Mona Albano on the land; and Steve Soper in the kayak) who took such great care of me for 3+ days even when I didn't know what I wanted or needed and might not have been smiling, the other crews and athletes who would cheer for me and lift my spirits (including one crew playing "Oh Sheila" on their car stereo especially for me, and Gary Wang the athlete who was unable to run on Day 3 coming by with Red Bull and Rice Krispie treats), remembering all the people who told me during my training that I COULD and WOULD finish this (especially Nick Mallett) even when I doubted my training or mental strength.

I feel wonderful! Full of wonder! I am wondering why I had doubted myself, wondering where I am going and what I will do when I get there; wondering what drove me here but discovering that it was to know and honor myself, and by doing so, maybe, just maybe I can help others to know and honor themselves and some day experience the pure bliss of having a body that can do amazing things but not really needing it except as a vehicle to become the person I am meant to be.

Stay tuned for more reports...

Meltdown and Reality

I knew it was coming. This whole training thing for such a monster event and everything that goes with it was weighing me down mentally. Add to that the uncertainty of being able to recover from an injury preventing me from running and well, I was really losing it the last 2 weeks.

Some of what I was experiencing is similar to what some people feel before their first Ironman--I am not training enough, I don't know whether I can finish, it's the final build and the stress is incredible. Sure, there is that, but then there is the fact that I don't have my new tri bike yet (and I am thinking a new bike just might perk me up a bit), I'm constantly shuffling/reinventing the training I am doing, I still need tons of sleep, will my foot be OK, I still only have ONE CREW MEMBER (I absolutely MUST have 2 or else I can't do this), and did I say the spectre of the distances is actually hitting home with me?

So I gave myself permission for a little blowout, which consisted of much crying, but sadly not much alcohol. I guess a little part of me knew it wouldn't be worth it to punish myself with a hangover. Isn't that retarded? I mean, when was the last time I actually had even NEAR a hangover (which is easy for me since I'm so lean)? I don't remember, but it sure was before last September.

On top of the race-related issues, there's my lawn that needs mowing (yes I could pay someone but it takes literally only 20 minutes), my flower beds need work, my work laptop is crashing so I need to make a few trips into the big city (disrupting training, you know), I need to get my car in for a tune-up, it just goes on and on.

But I will be getting a landscaper to help fix up my yard, and I will find time to get my car tuned up, which I don't mind doing as long as I can run back home and run back to pick it up. The computer thing will be over in another 2 weeks. I still don't know when I'll get the bike. THAT pisses me off.

To the good, last week I was able to do about 1.5 hours of my running outdoors on the road with NO PAIN! But still, I knew that that is still not enough to prove I am fixed. At least I haven't lost much, if any, speed. So I guess I was doing the water running right, eh? Especially since the week before I did like 7.5 hours between water running and elliptical. Insane? Well, I had scheduled a big running week, so I got it done. Although 8 hours would have been better.

So after a pathetic training week of 13.5 hours (but 7.5 were "running!"), where by the end of the week I just couldn't bike on Sunday at all, and I was so mentally beaten down, I told myself to give it one more week. Technically, last week was supposed to be a recovery week from running, but since I am paranoid about my ability to run and I muffed my biking and swimming the prior week, well, I sucked it up and reintroduced myself to the hills around my house and enjoyed a few runs outdoors. I noticed that while this was making my legs and back ache in the way only road running can, that I felt mentally a bit better. But then I had to deal with the computer thing, and I felt sunk again. Still, I justified that a Friday off from training and big swim would be fine (I swam 9K for my long swim 2 weeks before and 6500 during my pathetic week). I decided a "fun" Saturday was in order--so I did a backwards tri of a :40 swim, 2 hour ride and :30 run. That was nice. Sunday's objective was to ride 4 hours. It was really windy, but I got it done, including ending with stomach cramps, which are a rarity for me. I think it's because I switched from Infinit to Gatorade. I ended up doing almost 17 hours last week. That's a pretty solid effort.

So this week might have started out well, except that I couldn't sleep Sunday night! I don't know what triggered that. So I turned off my alarm in order to try and get maybe 2 hours--I'm not sure. Then I had to decide whether I would train at all. I was tired--not so much from the prior week's training, but from lack of sleep. I thought that I should go and run, because at least since I was tired I wouldn't try and run very fast. And I wanted to get in a swim because I barely swam the week before and wouldn't have time again until Thursday. So I headed to the Y, ended up running on the track way faster than I thought I could, and swam 3,000 yards. All while pretty tired and depleted. But the running felt good, and I even swam pretty well. Needless to say, I slept like a baby.

Tuesday the plan was to do a run in the morning and then bike. I let myself sleep in, and got in a :45 run first thing. I felt like crap at first (I ate too close to starting time), but picked it up on the way home and then it felt good. I got in a 1:30 ride mid-day, and I really punched it, and for some reason the lights came back on in my head that I am actually pretty fit, and I may as well keep going, right?

Wednesday was the real turning point, though. I had set my alarm for 5AM so I could get in 1.5 hours of pool/elliptical running followed by 1 hour of actual running, but I just couldn't do it. I still didn't really sleep in because it's light so early now. In my head, I just could not get into the pool and run! So mid-day when it was gorgeous outside, I ended up doing a 1:15 run with plenty of gentle hills. Foot feels fine, and I went to the ortho that evening and he was pleased to know that I am able to run again.

I still wanted to get in 5 hours of running this week, and so I decided that yesterday morning I would swim and do an hour of pool running, and then run some more outdoors later. This time, I was OK with the pool running since I was already there to swim first. I was plenty tired when I started my outdoor run, and maybe should have skipped it, but I got it done.

This morning I swam 9K and I am pretty tired. But mentally I am feeling much better. I am not excited about UMC--it is still a logistical nightmare in some ways, I still don't know when I will have my new bike--but I am OK with the rest of my life going to hell. But I can run! I can train! So I am just going to keep on keeping on and hope I make it to the start line with a new bike in hand, TWO crew members, and a completely healed foot. That is all I can do.

I quit weighing myself maybe 2 months (perhaps more) ago. I just eat and eat, hope I'm meeting my caloric needs and not overdoing it. Clothes fit fine, but I hate how I look. My skin is so dry from all the pool time, age is showing, and I am beating myself up in a big way. So in beginning to run outside again, I knew it would be a "come to Jesus" event in terms of where is my weight at. I can always tell when I run about where I am. Once you get used to running at a light weight, 2+ lbs. becomes VERY noticeable. Well the good news is that in running all the hills around my house, I feel at the perfect weight. I feel like I have good leg strength, and I am not thinking "this would be better if I dropped some weight." Same is true on the bike. So I must be maintaining a decent weight. Still, I don't plan to weigh myself until very close to the race. I feel pretty solid all things considered.

This weekend I am going to try and get in 8 or 9 hours of riding. It is supposed to be quite warm, which is good, since UMC might be like that. If I get through this weekend, then next week I'm taking a little taper in order to try and do a really big training weekend over the 4-day holiday weekend. What I had originally scheduled there is just psycho (if I have hopes to recover from it, that is), but I am still going to do as much of it as I can. I will use it to practice my nutrition from dawn to dusk, pacing, all that. Something tells me that if I make it through that effort, I will be good to go for UMC. Not saying UMC will be a breeze--I expect it to hurt like a mofo--but mentally I will feel like I am ready for the final push.

My guess is I will have another meltdown, but if it's not because something ELSE is going wrong, all will be good. I feel bad laying this on friends/strangers because it is all self-imposed, but somehow writing it down on my blog seems to feel like the right thing to do. I am pretty disconnected from the tri scene, Facebook, all that, right now, because I just don't have the time for it. But I will try and put updates here every so often so people know that I am alive!

Fingers crossed!

Yesterday I got to thinking that my new orthotics should be ready. So I did some math from a letter from my insurance company and thought I should check up. Well, I was right! As soon as I got a call from my ortho's awesome assistant, Katy, I hightailed it over to the office to pick them up.

For some reason, when I looked at them, they weren't what I was expecting. I guess I was expecting some huge pad that would be right under the balls of my feet, but instead there's sort of a wedge that ends just there. I had brought a new pair of running shoes with me to make sure the things would fit inside, and they did. I drove home with some trepidation...I wasn't supposed to run until this coming Monday, but this was close enough to 2 weeks since my last sentence.

Still, I figured I should at least put the shoes on and wear them a bit to see how my feet felt in them. Weird is all I can say! I had some old orthotics, but they were all about arch support, and these new ones are intended to help take pressure off my metatarsal joints as well as support my inordinately high arches. In fact, my feet are quite different--the left one is longer and flatter, and the right one is shorter with an even higher arch. So I expected to feel that each foot was being supported in its appropriate arch spot. And they were. But there was also this weird pressure just before the ball of my foot. Since this was all news to my feet, I figured what the heck, let's just wear them.

After about 3/4 hour, I just HAD to go outside and try and trot a little to see how they felt. I had already tried this in my house with no issues, but that's not a real test. So I ran down my driveway and about 1/4 block. 2 weeks ago, my right foot would have hurt within about 10 steps, but it didn't hurt a bit. Still, I didn't want running on a sidewalk to be my first test, so I relaxed and thought I'd wait until today.

It was quite cold for May (still only 48) and very windy this morning, so I'd already made a plan to head to the Y so I could use the elliptical and the pool for running, and thought I'd use one of their good spin bikes to ride on as long as I was there. I first went to the indoor track, about to give my feet a real test, and I ran into a friend, Eric, that I haven't seen in weeks. He's training for his first Ironman and I have volunteered to be his mentor, and it was great to see him, and he said he'd accompany me on my maiden orthotic voyage. I was paranoid that if things started to hurt that I would break down and cry in front of him, but it turned out to be a good thing for me to run and talk with him so I wasn't always thinking about my foot. You want to know how to guarantee you will think about something? Tell yourself not to and then begin ;) Anyway, while my legs felt predictably heavy, my aerobic system was just fine and my foot felt fine! I could have kept going, but decided to err on the side of prudence and just do 20' today.

Eric and I talked some more and then I was on a schedule so we parted ways. I got on the elliptical, and while I had a little aching in the arch of my right foot, no pain in the toe, so I got 30' done there, and then got on the spin bike.

I think I averaged 105RPM the entire 2:30 on that thing, and felt pretty worked by it, so all good. Then I got in the pool and did 40' water running, and my legs were fried. Back at home, I iced the right foot, and it seems fine, so I hope to give it another short test of 15-20' tomorrow. Now I need to replan my schedule for next week assuming I can do about 20' of actual running per day, but I am happy to do it! I have also decided to fuck my original training plan from now through UMC and just do like I was going to do an IM only a bit more in the swim and bike departments. Not like I can do huge run volume anyway, but I hope to maintain about 5 hours a week. I am also going to move my long run to Wednesdays, because for the last 2 weeks it's been Thurs. long run, Friday huge swim, Sat. long bike 1 and Sun. long bike 2, and that is just stringing too many big workouts in a row. I got used to the long swim/long bike thing, so that's cool, moving the long run back one day should help me to recover a little before Friday rears its ugly head.

So the jury isn't out yet on my foot until I can run pain-free for at least 1.5 hours, but I will work my way back and hopefully if I continue doing the other things like icing and applying these NSAID pads and wearing appropriate footwear, perhaps I will lick this thing.

Meanwhile, I managed 7 hours of "running" this week, which isn't as much as I'd planned (8 hours), but still it's a lot, and if all goes well, I think I can be back to "pure" running in 3 weeks. I will say it now that down the road I may look back on all this and view it as a godsend, as I tend to think things happen for a reason. Perhaps if I had been full-out running now, I would have trashed myself into oblivion, but because I've been doing water running and elliptical (and I don't hold onto the machine), maybe just maybe, my aerobic run conditioning is there. Who knows?

It is funny to me that just a few days ago someone asked me if I was a marathoner, and I said yes (I didn't go into the whole triathlon thing), and she said I had that physique. Today someone told me I have a swimmer's physique . Now if I can just get someone to say I look like a hardcore cyclist, I'll be all set! Just some bright spots in an otherwise stressful week, I guess. Now if I can just get my new tri bike, I'll be all set!

Happy Mother's Day to all Moms and to your Moms.

Quick Update

I continue to be pressed for time!

Last week I got in about 22.5 hours of training, including 5 hours of combined water running/elliptical, a 9,000 yard swim on Friday and a 92-mile ride on Sunday that had 6700 feet of climbing. I am still tired!

On Saturday, I wanted to ride 3 hours, and started on my MTB. About 3 miles from home I got a flat, and the tire was toast, meaning walk 3 miles home. I am not supposed to walk unnecessarily due to my injury, but what am I to do? Luckily, I was rescued about 1.5 miles later by a fellow cyclist who lived on my route home. She drove me and bike home, and I got back out on LGL and ended up getting in about 2.5 hours of riding. Eat, hydrate, finish packing and drive about 3 hours to Dodgeville, Wisconsin for my ride on Sunday.

I ended up getting some cheap frozen Chinese from Walmart ($4 total!) for my dinner, and I watched most of "Encino Man" which was so stupid I couldn't look away.

Sunday I was on the road by 7:50 to ride and it was a beautiful day for it. All the hills were still there, too! I had intended to ride all 100 (or 103 whatever it was) miles, but since I added on some group lostness at the beginning of the ride, and I had a long drive home and I wanted to be coherent on Monday, I decided to skip the extra loop for the 100-miler. Still, 92 was plenty!

I had big training plans for this week, but predictably (or not), I was absolutely trashed on Monday, and so I did nothing.

Since now I need to do my "running" along with my swimming, that means early wakeup calls to get the pool time in, which sucks. Plus, doing swims and runs back to back makes me a whole lot more tired than when I split them up by 3 or 4 hours. Oh well, hopefully this is temporary.

Today I find myself very fatigued, cranky, and with a sense of doom. Next Monday I try and run again, and if I can't without pain, I am not sure what I am going to do. Cry first, probably. My mood has become foul due to the lack of daily sunshine and fresh air and extra pool time with extra dry skin. I cannot hobble 52.4 miles in UMC. I may ask if I can convert to a relay. I may just drop altogether. I have followed Doctor's orders in terms of not trying to run again until then, but I am just not in a good place right now.

On the other hand, if I CAN run, then it's 12 more weeks of hell...I tend to forget how the final build even just for IM sucks, only it sucks even more for me now, since I am extra paranoid.

But I'm just stating how I feel, which is why I write this blog, after all.

Next week I have a rest week which is sorely needed, since this week makes FIVE weeks since my last full rest week, although obviously I have rested my run legs and my swimming partially along the way. Still, stack up 20, 17, 21, 22 and this week should be another 17 hours, and I guess one would be tired and cranky.

From here on out, assuming I continue moving forward, I will be making up my training volume as I go. The stuff I originally planned is ludicrous with a fulltime job, even WITHOUT a life beyond that! But there are a few humongous weekends planned that I will still try and execute on, and then just need to be careful on the recovery end.

As I have learned to date, training for this beast is all about doing as much as you possibly can with the time you have available. Which is how I thought of IM training, only back then, I had more "free" time compared to now. Even with what I am doing, if I get to the start line, I will only finish by sheer will and my overall aerobic capacity. Which I think is tremendous. I think my heart rate lately is like 5. At least sometimes it feels that way!

Anyway, that's all I have time to write about now...must go and get some food in me!

And the Winner Is…

Went back to the ortho today to review results of the bone scan for my right foot. No stress fracture present. Based on my detailed symptom description, the diagnosis is adhesive capsulitis, which isn’t full-fledged Morton’s Neuroma, but rather a side-effect of Morton’s Syndrome. I have Morton’s foot, which is where the second metatarsal is longer than the first. While this usually means the second toe is longer than the big toe, that’s not always true, but in my case it is. Both of my feet have this, and whenever I run marathons, it is my second toes that suffer.

Anyway, back to the diagnosis. What this does is make it painful to land on that second/third metatarsal, which I guess I should have had checked out months and months ago while experiencing ball of foot pain while cycling and sometimes running. So it’s anyone’s guess what my progression has been, and whether it had to do with not always wearing my former orthotics, running a lot, or whatever. For now, we are calling it an overuse injury.

So what is the prognosis? I was calm when I asked, and I know that most soft-tissue injuries can take many weeks to completely heal. 8-12 was what I was told. Well, since it’s week 4 of not running, maybe I will get lucky and be through this sooner , like 4 weeks from now. If that rolls, I am good. For treatment, I have a prescription for these NSAID pads to wear on the bottom of the foot all day long, and I am to ice the BOTTOM 2-3x per day. Here I was focused on the top of my foot, who would have known? And of course, no regular running. I am not to try for 2 more weeks. I’m OK with that.

Last week was my first week of combined water running/elliptical, and this week I’ll get in a combined 5 hours total and more next week (during what was supposed to be my “big run week”). In a way (and anyone who knows me well knows I am always looking for the silver lining in everything), it’s good that I have been doing things that are making this transition not too bad, like already spending lots of time in the pool! And I am lucky that I live .6 miles from my pool, so this doesn’t really add any time to my day. But it does mean that since I only want to make ONE trip to the pool daily for a swim, “run,” or swim/run combo, that I am up early all weekdays.

I have gotten my prep time down to 40 minutes from the time I wake up to the time I am in my car driving to the pool, and I can get in 2.5 hours of whatever and be back home working by 8:30 or 8:45. It’s pretty funny how now whatever I am about to do I am always mapping out the fastest route, not because I am trying to save energy, but because I am trying to save TIME. Every second I save doing one thing means less cramming at the end of the day so that I can still fit in :30 of stretching, sitting down to eat dinner, prepping the coffee pot and workout gear for the next morning and maybe some reading before trying to be asleep at 8PM (for my 5:05AM wakeup call). Oh and also now that it’s spring I need to fit in mowing the lawn here and there, trips to the ortho, dentist, haircuts, waxing, massage. So all those seconds I am saving helps create less stress in my day!

Good thing I have my morning routine down since my training hours just keep going up! While the actual act of water running isn’t too bad (and I am pretty good at it I guess since I can hit nearly my regular run cadence in the water), I am missing spending that time running outdoors, and it breaks my heart that I can’t even go for walks, as it will just aggravate my foot. But at least I can take breaks from work and go out into my yard and pull weeds, gaze at the flowers and animals and enjoy the fresh air. Guess that means I might be catching some sun time mid-day on a chaise lounge!

I am not happy about still not knowing whether I can make it through the UMC run, but I am sure I will begin calculating that if I am able to run some of it and then walk, I might still be able to do it. Right now I CAN walk without pain, but no way I can do 13MPM walking for 52.4 miles, so I need to be able to do SOME running. Still, taking things one day at a time and we’ll see where I am in a few weeks. Bottom line: I am going to give this recovery business the attention it needs. And now I can stop digging into muscles that I thought may have been culprits and hurting them!

Back on the bright side, I am biking and swimming like a monster! Which is good, because I still need plenty of bike fitness for UMC. My last 3 weeks of training have seen 12, 10.5 and 10.75 hours of biking, much of it on the trainer. In fact, this past weekend, on Saturday I did 4:40 on the trainer and 4:30 on Sunday. Isn’t that crazy? Someone asked me what do I do when spending all that time there? To me, it’s the same question as how do I get through 2.5-3 hour swims? Or treadmill runs?

One of the qualities that you absolutely MUST have to do this ultra stuff (even Ironman, to an extent) is the ability to be OK inside your own head for many hours at a time. And you also need to be focused and determined and disciplined enough to just get it done, whatever “it” is. As my dear friend Susan pointed out to me early on in this Ultraman campaign, I have all this additional time in which to perform my “moving meditation.” And it is true.

Effectively, when doing long swims, rides or runs, I am meditating on swimming, riding or running. When I swim long, I am thinking about swimming and…nothing. I do count my laps and occasionally glance at the pace clock, and I do play around with my breathing patterns and spend time focusing on my stroke, but that is what swimming is. Sometimes I might notice that my triceps are a little fatigued or sore, and I just observe it and keep going. Sometimes a person will stand at the head of the lane trying to capture my attention to let me know they are getting in. When my long swims were shorter (5,000 yards or less), I might be able to think about other things like things I need to do, and remember them when I finished the workout. Not so much with the long swims I am doing now! Just like in any long race, if I were to start thinking, “Oh God I have so many more yards to go,” I would lose it. Staying in the moment—what breathing pattern I am following, which lap I am on, how many laps I have in this current set—it paramount.

When I ride long on the trainer (3+ hours), although I have the TV on, I am not paying attention to it (it’s on mute anyway), and I am focused on power output, sometimes cadence, and storing up all sorts of information about how I feel and why for future reference. I usually have the powermeter display showing me TSS (Training Stress Score) rather than elapsed time, because mentally it feels easier to shoot for 17 TSS points rather than watch 15 minutes slowly pass. But that’s just me. I do have to look at elapsed time every so often to know when it’s time to take in some nutrition. Music helps to keep my cadence high (I seem to prefer around 100rpm nowadays).

When I ride long outdoors (4+ hours), even though it’s outdoors and I have to pay attention to traffic and the road condition, it can get just as mind-numbing if you aren’t just into the experience and realization that you are so lucky to have the fitness to do this and the time to spend doing it and think about nothing except biking!

When I run long (let’s say 2+ hours on treadmill or 2.5+ hours outdoors), there seems to be much more of my body that is engaged, if nothing less than because of the impact on the ground or treadmill surface. There’s your running form, breathing, heart rate (I am generally oblivious to my heart rate when swimming and biking), watching your footing, but it still comes down to thinking about running. And there is that extra component—the pain—that seems to keep me engaged. I’m not saying I don’t swim or bike hard—I do—but running is the hardest of the three sports (which is why my fucking foot, which is the new name for my RIGHT foot, hurts), and unless you are running super easy, it’s hard right away. It is just the nature of running, at least on pavement.

I know some people who can’t run, swim or even bike much longer than an hour unless they are with others. Which is fine. If you can synchronize your schedule with others and always do group workouts, that’s wonderful. But ultimately, you are alone in the race, and I think it’s important to be OK inside your own head for your projected race distance or you might have issues. At some level, it’s important to be able to put all your effort, including your easily-distracted brain, into the activity that you are doing. If you get used to it in training, then when you train or race long, you have a higher chance of experiencing that wonderful thing called FLOW, which is where your physical and mental training intersect with your confidence and execution ability and while the training session/race might not feel effortless, it’s within your grasp to meet your expectations, and all that thinking about your form, your pace, your nutrition, seems to fade into the background and you are just purely doing the sport and being in that moment.

I have had struggles with the expansion of my time zone comfort level throughout this Ultraman training, and at times, it has been hard to tell whether I was struggling physically with my adaptation to the load or mentally, with my adaptation to the expansion of time. Certainly, I have inched up my training based on normal periodization protocol (normal for me, anyway!), but while my training time has expanded, so necessarily has my non-training time contracted, and I think it’s more the getting used to that non-training time going away that has been difficult to adapt to. When you have 1-2 less hours every single day to get your “normal life” done, you just can’t slack too much at all. Which is why I do these funny things like see what I can get done while I am heating something in the microwave for 8 minutes besides just wait for it!

At this point in my training, I can say I have already done so many things I had never done before, and I can tell my fitness is very, very high. If I can continue to get adequate sleep (only 9 hours now, down from my preferred 9.5-10 nightly) and I stay watchful of taking in adequate calories (which is even more difficult than it was when I was Ironman training), then I can make it through this, hopefully fix my injury and get to the UMC starting line in one piece! If I make it there and I can run, even slowly, I think I will be fine.

I am a little excited because this weekend I am going up to Wisconsin to do a very hilly century ride on Sunday, weather permitting. This week was scheduled to be a big biking week, but hey, I have already had 3 of those, so this will be #4, meaning my bike fitness should be going through the roof any day now. I had planned on less running, but will try and hit 5 hours of elliptical/water running, and keep a good swim focus going. Then next week was to be a big running week, which I will still do, just mostly in the pool, lots of swimming, and a slight rest (8 hours) from biking. Hopefully, my fucking foot gets better over this period and I will try and run on it again.

Bottom line is that I plan to keep on keeping on, building more bike and swim fitness, and see where I am in 2 weeks.

Status

I did not run at all last week, but managed to bike 225 miles and swim 17,000 yards. Not a bad week! On the weekend, I rode 82 miles on Saturday (3 hours inside and 1.5 hours out), and I got way behind on my calories, although I was full after dinner. Sunday the plan was for a 3 hour ride, and 1.5 hours in I was bonking like a champion. Luckily, I found a gas station that had lots of sugar, and got a brownie, a Carmelo bar and a bottle of Gatorade. I finished the brownie and half the Gatorade while resting outside, and the Carmelo got eaten about 1/2 hour later.

Yesterday morning when the alarm clock went off, body said "Nope." Even though I didn't really sleep much more, I stayed in bed for awhile, and when I got up and moving around, I felt really, really tired, so skipping the swim was a good idea. Later in the day, I began experimenting to find out if there was a way I could run without my foot hurting. It seemed I could prance around barefoot in the house, but the minute I went outside on pavement it was a no go. I contemplated some more and thought oh well, another week of no running while I wait for new orthotics.

I did lift for about an hour yesterday, and this morning I actually felt some DOMS while swimming. It was a tough swim workout, but still... When I finished and got home, I still felt depleted, so I decided I just needed to keep eating a little every hour. It was a beautiful day, and I wanted to bike outside, but I felt tired and weak. I had some leftover Infinit, and that combined with wearing my pirate kit was enough to get me moving pretty well on the bike.

Before I had gone biking I decided to put my old (fucked up) orthotics into a pair of running shoes, and voila! Foot feels a whole lot better. So one thing is that my arches said they needed the additional support, so maybe this will help reset the muscles in my foot that are causing me some pain. Meanwhile, I still have crap going on in my right lower back, but it's a chicken and egg thing--did the foot cause the back or vice versa? I don't know, but it is a good idea for me to take a couple of weeks off running. Looking back at my training log, I should have done this like 3 weeks ago, but I am a dumbass and tried to work through some pain issues. Never again! Guess that's what comes with old age.

So this week will be another big bike week and maybe a whole lot of swimming, too, although I don't need to swim 17,000 yards. But it couldn't hurt. Depends on whether I feel like getting up at 5AM for the next 3 days.

Whereas yesterday I was getting a little down about the not running thing, I think now I am seeing light at the end of the tunnel, and won't retest things for another 2 days, and will see how that goes.

I forgot how tired tons of biking makes me! And I'm pretty sure that's the earliest I have ever put in so many miles in a year! If I can equal that this week, I am for sure moving in the right direction. Just the fact that I did it at all tells me my bike fitness is pretty good. I haven't done a century ride yet, but it's only a matter of a few weeks now.

Behind on Things

As my training hours continue to slowly inch up, my time available for other things must decrease, including posting to the blog.

I am not running this week. Last week I was experiencing hamstring issues, but still able to run (or so I thought). Last Thursday I headed out to do a nice, easy long run of 2 hours (a rest week, you know), and was running just fine for about 7 1/2 miles, and then the top of my right foot (same side as the hamstring) began to hurt when landing. I am pretty good at managing pain, but after about a mile and a half of toughing it out, I caved and walked home (about 3 miles). It didn't hurt so much to walk. Due to this, I decided I was done running for the week.

I only swam 6650 last Friday, again in honor of a rest week, although I had wanted to get in 7000. Instead, I spent a bit of time socializing with someone I hadn't seen in months, and it was worth it. Saturday I did 3 hours on the trainer, and took Sunday completely off. Rest week completed, coming in at 15 hours.

This past Monday I attempted running, but in less than 1/4 mile, my foot hurt so much I quit. I figured it was time to take a week off from running, but I hadn't yet formulated whether I would sub in elliptical or something else for it.

Tuesday I went to see the foot ortho, who took X-rays, ruling out any bone issues, and based on my symptomatology, notified me that I needed orthotics, which is what I was hoping would happen. I have Morton's foot, which means my second metatarsals are longer than the first, and it creates all sorts of problems. I had running orthotics but they were old and besides I trashed them last fall at North Face. Still, I had been trying to wean myself off them, thinking I should be able to do without. Well, I guess not!

The jury is out as to whether the foot caused the upstream issues in my hamstring and back. I had noticed something out of whack in my back a few weeks ago, but was able to address that just fine. I think I may have just overstretched my hamstring, and then the foot thing changed my stride and made it worse. My new orthotics don't arrive for a few weeks, so I will be trying a few interim measures to see if I can get back to running next week. Or perhaps I will just tough it out on the elliptical.

After my Doctor visit, I decided I would bike and swim more this week and just let the running muscles rest, which should be good for my back and hamstring (and foot!). I finished all my swimming for the week already, and came in at 17,000 yards. I did 3 on Monday, Wednesday and Thursday, and 8,000 today. Not bad, although I should have swam on Tuesday, too, but I just didn't want to get out of bed and opted for more sleep. I biked Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, and my TSS so far is the same as for all the time I biked last week! The plan for the weekend is to ride 4 hours Saturday and 3 on Sunday or some combination that adds up to 7+ hours. Saturday is supposed to be the warmer day, which would be good for outdoor riding, except I need to be done by about 1PM and it won't be very warm during those hours, so it may be trainer both days. But you know what? I don't even care. I have gotten to the point where I just motor away on the trainer watching (or should I say glancing at every few minutes) whatever sport is on Universal Sports and get my time in. I have bottles already fixed for both days.

If I get in 7 hours of biking this weekend, that will put me at about 19 hours for the week without running, so that will have to be enough. At least I will have my first high mileage biking week!

I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I can fix all my right side issues in the next 1-2 weeks. Since I can bike and swim, all is good there, and I can still ramp up running for UMC in like 12 weeks, so I am still OK. Of course, I am slightly worried at the same time, and I already miss running, mostly because it is just so easy to head out the door with maybe 1 bottle! Still, it was nice to know I could do all that swimming with minimal after-effects. While my traps and triceps were a little sore during today's swim, I recovered just fine from the effort and actually wish I would have time to swim over the weekend, too, but that won't be happening as there is now pressing yard work to be done!

Have a great weekend and keep moving!

Forgetting and Remembering

I am re-reading "The Way of the Peaceful Warrior." I can't remember exactly when I read it the first time, but it's clear to me that I am getting much more out of it this time. Does that mean I have progressed on my own journey to enlightenment? I hope so. I feel like my own journey was derailed from 2006 until about a month ago when I was able to close my Dad's estate. In that span of time, my Mom died, my Dad died, I remodeled most of my house, I made some colossal romantic relationship errors, I lost relationships with a few of my siblings, and I decided to do an Ultraman. Oh yeah there were 7 Ironmans in there, too.

I have been feeling off track for a few months, even though I've had the bright spots of achieving some huge training milestones and good race results. I have felt a jumble of emotions, with the biggest one being a fear that I somehow am screwing up my life while trying to train according to my own (super high) expectations. And because of that fear, I have slipped into a bad state of mind where I am spending too much time on the past and the future, and not enough on the NOW.

So picking up that book is one of the things that is helping me to reset myself. I was finally able to sit down with my ATP (Annual Training Plan) and look at it and think that it is a great--no make that FUCKING GREAT blueprint for training for an Ultraman for someone like me. Back last September-October, I mapped out some key training weekends that will be coming soon that should be great. But the difference now is that I have X'ed off some weeks for recovery, knowing that at the level of training I am trying to accomplish, that they will be highly needed. And I decided that instead of trying to rewrite the whole future NOW, that I can take it one week at a time. What a novel concept! That is not something I've ever had to do, but now I'm cool with it. So even though I planned all my time off from work for special training events, those things will still stick, it's the before and after that might change a bit.

In terms of my running issues, I finally relaxed and told myself, "Sheila, you KNOW how to find and fix this, so just do it!" And so on Sunday evening, I did just that. I spent some quality time with my trigger point books, located the likely culprits, and then on Monday I began working on myself, and I think I have almost fixed everything! Now, I still need to get acclimated to the hills around my house, but at least now I know that some stuff just got out of whack in my back, and I was on the wrong track before, but now I am doing the right things.

I am doing my first recovery week this week--but I am letting it be what it will be, in other words, if I end up doing a bit more, that's OK, and if it's less, that's OK, too. The prime objective is to get back to 100% running with no pain issues.

Yesterday I swam 4000 yards--the intent was to just swim an hour, since it's supposed to be a recovery week, but I warmed up more than the workout called for and then I did the full workout and that was that. It was great in that 4000 felt like NOTHING! And then I tried out my running legs, after first jumping rope for 10'. The jump rope is an attempt to prod my back into rebalancing itself. It's hard to jump rope if your body is all floppy or twisted to one side, and I was doing it back last fall when doing tons of running, so I figured why not? And then I ran, and while I didn't feel completely aligned, I enjoyed the run with minimal pain in my glutes/hamstrings/adductors.

This morning I ran, and it was only 30 out, and I worked on a few muscles before heading out (I jumped rope first, too, which was a great warmup), and had another pretty good run, although I could say really good, since post-run I did not feel any lingering glute issues. So it looks like I have identified the culprit muscles (if you are interested, it is trigger points in my iliocostalis lumborum referring pain to my glutes).

I also biked outside today on LGL! What fun! Although it wasn't warm enough for shorts, it was pleasant enough, and even though I didn't try and do any intervals, I still held good power. I realize I have a lot of work to get all my hill strength back, but I have to say that's the strongest I've felt out the door in years. So I guess all the time I spent indoors on the trainer being miserable were worth it. I definitely needed to get outside, where I use way more of my body while biking than while sitting on the trainer. I still love LGL--she is light and nimble.

Another thing I picked up from "Warrior" is that I could do better on my diet. Just like when one is trying to kick any bad habit, one needs to be ready for it. And while I rarely indulge in fast food, I could stand to eliminate some more processed foods from my daily fare. I do like the convenience of Lean Cuisine for lunch, and in a sea of choices, it certainly isn't the worst, but it does contain more of some stuff that I don't need (sugar for one), and so I will try and gradually wean myself off, provided I can substitute with something just about as quick. In my world, whatever time I can save is precious. I need to cut back on sugar PERIOD. Not in my training nutrition--outside it. Sugar in the coffee, sugar in the jam, sugar in the Lean Cuisine, and then of course, I want a handful of jelly beans or other pure sugar candy late at night. I am also experimenting with less starches (rice/pasta) in favor of more veggies, but it's easy to do that in a light training week, so we'll see how it goes. Coffee and beer are not on the list to remove!

Mostly I am working on quieting my mind down when I'm not training. You'd think that with the increased training I've been doing, which is an area where I certainly am quite able to quiet my mind (just like the guy in "Warrior"), that I would be enjoying more peacefulness, but it hasn't worked out that way. For one thing, when I'm on the trainer, there is pen and paper on a stool next to it, and I always end up making lists. Can't do that while riding outdoors!

And then there has been those long swims. Last Friday was one of those times where it wasn't really that bad to do it, and then I felt pretty good the rest of the day, so maybe my "hatred" of those is that I am thinking too much about the future and worrying about whether I am doing enough (or too much, as some people have counseled). But there is something to really being used to swimming so long, and I think I am finally there! It has taken 20 weeks. Is that a reasonable amount of time? I think so. Considering my long swims have been about double a "normal" workout for IM training, I am good with that. Try doubling your training in a sport and see how long it takes for it to feel "normal!" Now that I'm acclimated, I go into a truly periodized long swim pattern, which is critical since my bike volume is about to explode!

Maybe all of this has to do with the improving weather, but maybe not. Sometimes I just find that I need to forget some stuff and remember some other stuff because at the end of the day, I KNOW the answers are within.

This training makes me nuts!

So after the great week I had last week, I had trouble falling asleep Sunday night. Not sure why, but I just tossed and turned and I don't know how much, if any sleep I got. To make things worse, I woke up with a kink in the right side of my neck, bad enough that turning to that side hurt. So no swimming. I knew the neck thing was just trigger points so I started working on them.

I thought I'd give my legs a break so I went to the Y and got on the treadmill. Legs felt dead, and still was experiencing some tightness from my low back leading to sciatica. So I did 1/2 the workout on the treadmill.

I thought I'd try and swim Tuesday morning, but the neck still hurt, which meant I could try and catch up on some sleep which was a good thing. I got a good 1:45 ride in, though, and I am supposed to switch my schedule around this week and run long on Thursday, so Tuesday is now a slightly longer ride (what the hell was I thinking--not sure if I can always get in that much on a work day).

Wednesday I was feeling like I still needed more sleep so did not swim again, although the neck was significantly better. But I thought I'd give outdoor running another shot, and after about a mile, man things hurt, so I backed way off and ended up doing some walking and then some run/walking. This was a sign that I guess I just needed to back way off on running this week, and given that all this messed up stuff is on the right side of my body, it's a signal that I am training really, REALLY hard and need to let this stuff resolve.

Yesterday I finally felt like getting up at 5AM to swim and wanted to run or do elliptical, so I did the elliptical first, which causes me no problems, and then I had a pretty good swim of 3100 yards. And I got a massage in the afternoon which was sorely needed.

I have to say over the last few days that even though I know I need some amount of rest, it just makes me crazy when something hurts. Or you can call it "overuse." Whatever. I have made it pretty far into this training regimen without completely shelling myself, and am always feeling like I'm on the verge of it. At the same time, getting in the training I want to get done is a trick, and getting the rest of my life in is also a trick. I know that I am very fit, but I am also very stubborn, and when I have scheduled training and I can't do it, it takes awhile for my mind to catch up and realize all will be fine. Next week I am doing a PLANNED recovery week, so it sucks even more to have this week be a sort of down week too, but again, I think things will work out.

I am to the point now where I just look at what I had planned for training for the coming week and think about how much of it makes sense considering where I have come from, and then since I'm introducing recovery weeks, does that mean I can still do what I had planned for the following week? Actually, when I look at things on a macro scale, the recovery weeks are fitting in there very nicely after some brutal weekends I have planned. THOSE I intend to do!

In my head, I wanted to get in another easy ride yesterday, but bagged it and finished up my strength work. I wanted to get in over 2 hours of training so I was set up for today's long swim with a good day of work the day before. Why? Because all of this toughens me up.

Last night I ate pasta to the point of being overstuffed, slept really well, and woke up just minutes before the alarm went off at 4:45. I bounded out of bed, had an obligatory cup of coffee (which I don't really need to wake me up anymore since I am sleeping what my body needs) and a toasted English muffin, got my swim stuff together, and was in the pool swimming at 5:33. I could shorten my lead time a little bit, but hey--I'm proud of the fact that years ago I would need like 1.5 hours after waking up to get going on a workout, and now I'm down to :45. That's a hefty 50% improvement!

I sort of decided before I fell asleep last night that today's swim would be 1500's. Although months ago I had written out these workouts for Fridays, I just ignore them and make something up. It's not like I'm going to get faster at this point, so I have made the point of these swims to not slow down and practice my nutrition. So I did 8800 yards this morning, and maybe it's because I have hardly run this week (in my book anyway), but I have felt great all day! And that 8800 included 5200 yards of pulling! And my arms are not sore at all! So this tells me I am indeed adapting to this, and next week I will do a 2.5 hour swim before my long ride and see how that feels.

I also asked my boss for a hiatus from some special duty at work for May-July. I might get it or not, but somehow I felt I might as well ask. The special duty is just something that adds that extra bit of stress for a week, and my schedule can't be too flexible those weeks. It is the first time I have ever made a request like that, and probably the last time. We shall see how it goes.

Now I am going to enjoy a starch free dinner (since I had oatmeal right after the swim and rice with lunch), sleep in tonight and work out for 4 hours tomorrow, and I am actually looking forward to it. As much as (and I guess I should admit it finally) I like to run, I had been on another 9 week serious run build after Goofy, so a little breaky-poo was probably in order. I will try and realign my back and acclimate to running outdoors, and as it warms up, it will be so great!

Right now as I write this, I'm thinking that there are these major training blocks and I need a certain amount of focus to get through them, and I think my focus muscles were getting a little tired; but I think I am recharging them and ready for the next assault.

Change

I basically did the same training week this week as last, except that all the running was RUNNING! 37 miles worth, which is a good week, I think.

I seem to have gotten a slight "breather" this week, in that some work stress decreased, and it has (mostly) warmed up so I got in 2 outdoor rides and a few outdoor runs. Working out outdoors has a definite impact on my outlook on things, except that now I realize I have a good amount of garden cleanup to do! But, the difference in working at home and being able to take a short break and go outside into the sun is huge vs. just doing something inside the house.

My right side is still a bit messed up, but at least I know it's my QL (quadratus lumborum) that is at fault, and I know that I have injured it a few times in twisting falls so when I start to pile on the volume, it is susceptible to trigger points, which is all this is. It also made me realize that I need to change up my stretching/yoga/trigger point routine, as my muscles get used to being stretched a certain way and then the stretches become almost useless, so I need to change the stimulus.

Remember this--the body requires change to adapt to increasing load and maintain or increase fitness. It is maddening, but true--if you keep doing the same thing all the time, you will lose fitness/flexibility, so you need to be aware of the need to change things up every so often. A normal, periodized training plan already has some change built in, but even in the constraints of one, you still need to mix things up quite a bit. For example, change the route/terrain you run/bike on, perhaps change where you swim or play around with your breathing patterns (something I like to do), change the order of body parts in your strength training or change the exercises. A lot of what is classified as overuse injuries is, I think, a lack of change. For me, I have been doing a helluva lot of biking and running indoors, which puts me mechanically in nearly the same position all the time, so I need to break the pattern.

I am starting to feel almost able to cope with my planned training for the next 6 weeks, which is a good thing. I will be building in recovery weeks, but now is the time when I am "training to train" which in Ironman lingo is preparing your body for the final period of super high volume that builds that final fitness you need to do well. Looking forward, I even think I will be able to manage some 22-25 hour weeks out in July. Isn't that crazy? It will be mostly biking, though, as that is still the biggest part of Ultraman. THANK GOD!!!

I am just really happy it is spring, even though we had some snow yesterday. But it's still March, so that is to be expected. Soon enough, it will be beautiful, gorgeous spring weather, which I have come to love so much! There are tons of birds here now, and it appears the recovery from West Nile virus continues. Lots and lots of robins, a decent amount of cardinals, and even (strike me down for saying this in a year or two) crows. The resident pair of red-tailed hawks alights in my backyard every other day or so to take a break from cruising the neighborhood for hapless squirrels and other prey, and I am always happy to see them! The onset of spring is always such a wondrous time to me--I forget about a lot of the plants I have and yet there they are coming back to greet me and put a smile on my face.

Oh and the first day of UMC shall henceforth be known as "Frabjous Day!" I can't wait for it!

Hat Trick

I trained 3.5 hours Friday, 3.5 hours yesterday, and 3.5 hours today. Doesn't sound like a big deal, huh? When it's part of another 19 hour week in March, it is, to me anyway.

Last weekend I wasn't feeling it, and I think I was shelled from the intensity of the sprint races plus my general training intensity coupled with high volume = needed some rest. I skipped my long swim, and then I skipped my long ride because mentally I just couldn't see being on the trainer for 3 hours. I went and saw Alice in Wonderland in 3D. Loved the movie, but the 3D is just a gimmick and didn't add anything to the movie itself. I managed a long run last Sunday (2:15), even though I should have cut it short, since I was experiencing some referred nerve pain in my right leg. But sometimes I can be stubborn, and I still finished the run, only to feel messed up on Monday.

Monday I did a 3300 yard swim in the morning, and once again I found myself swimming faster than I have in years. One would think that I would get somewhat faster with all the swimming I'm doing, but on any given day, I might be too fatigued from overall training load to swim well. Still, when it happens, it makes me feel pretty good. I lifted later in the day, and this year is the first time in years that I have needed to cut back a little on my strength training for this time of year. Usually by the time I'm at 17+ hours per week, I'm well past my strength build, but this year is different, and I just can't handle some of the usual strength stuff right now because of my training volume. But it's good, and I am still getting about 1.5 hours a week, which is fine and still more than I was doing a year ago.

Tuesday I biked outside on my MTB, Clipless Fuck, for about 1.5 hours. I didn't feel as pathetic on the hills as I thought I would, and I probably rode too hard for my first outdoor ride. Go figure after 5 months of indoor riding!

Wednesday was an easy "form" (i.e., mostly drills) swim, and then later on I ran outdoors. Instead of doing the scheduled track workout (which I was afraid to do because of the condition of my right glutes), I just thought I'd run for an hour and see how far I got. Well this being the first outdoor run since Goofy Challenge and it including my local decent hills, I did not have high expectations. But turns out I have picked up some speed, although my legs did not appreciate the concrete one bit. My glutes felt worse afterward, and it was a combination of the pavement and speed.

Thursday morning I knew I shouldn't run at all so instead I walked for about :45. Even walking at this point will help me acclimate to the concrete and asphalt, but man, my anterior tib muscles hated it!

Friday I managed to swim 8200 yards before work, and it appears my body is adapting to these long swims in terms of my ability to stay awake and coherent afterward. I consumed all my anticipated nutrition and fluid during it, which I am sure played a big part, plus I didn't really push the pace. Doing these really long swims indoors is truly a grind. Maybe if I'd been swimming since I was 10, it wouldn't be so bad, but that's not the case, and a 2:45 workout before work is hard even if it's biking or running. But the added suckitude from these long swims is that I have all this crap oozing from my eyes for hours afterwards, not to mention the goggle marks, giving me the look of an accident victim. Swimming in and breathing chlorine for that long is surely not healthy, but at least I don't feel sick like I used to after these swims.

I even managed to go for another :45 walk later in the day, and my suspicion is that doing something else on these long swim days is a good idea, if for nothing else than to force my body to exhume all the chlorine from my pores.

Yesterday I did do my 3-hour trainer ride, and managed some decent power, and at one point thought I might have done well in a 1/2 Ironman that day. I know--wishful thinking! It was raining and cold outside, so for my :30 run, I ended up at the Y but used the elliptical trainer, again trying to be kind to my tight ass. But of course I cranked up the level and did some sort of hill workout. When I got off the thing, it felt close to as if I had run, and my legs were appropriately wobbly. After that I had to get some food in me, go grocery shopping, get waxed, cook dinner, eat, and I was asleep by 9PM (I had already set my clocks ahead).

No alarm this morning, and I slept in until 7:30. I am actually happy that the mornings are going to be dark for awhile, because I will wake up with the sun. Today I had a 2:30 run scheduled, and had no idea whether I could/should run at all. Worse case scenario was that I would do it all on the elliptical, which I despise more than a treadmill. But I wanted to stay indoors since it would mean controlling my speed and then I wanted to get in a 1/2 hour cool down swim afterward.

Waking up so late and needing to be running by 9 meant I just got up and started doing stuff and getting my workout gear together. Usually I would have done that the night before, but I just ran out of time yesterday.

I was on the treadmill at 9:10, and suddenly an amazing idea came to me--maybe if I didn't try and run my usual pace, I would be OK. So that's what I did, and I ran slower today than I have since...well, since North Face last October, but it was the right thing to do. Usually I do progressive long runs, but today was just about putting in the time. I kept wondering when things would hurt to the point where I needed to abandon ship for the elliptical, but that never happened. So I ran for 2:30 and then walked for :30, since I wanted a total of 3 hours on my feet today. I did stretch about every 10 minutes or so, and that coupled with an awareness of the position of my right foot and also noticing that I have some amazing trigger points in my lower right abs that I'd poke at every so often (which probably looked strange) allowed me to run the whole time.

Plus I had a nice 20 or so minute conversation with someone I know who was so uplifting to talk to. He gets what I'm putting myself through in the name of a goal and that it is not much fun most of the time, and I even shared my thoughts of wanting to throw in the towel with him. Instead of the usual crap like "well if it's not fun then don't do it" or "maybe you should just rest for a few weeks," he just told me not to give up and keep going, and that he knew that once I committed to something, I would do everything I needed to do. That was something I needed to hear today!

I got in about :20 of swimming, and it felt good.

And now onto some mental stuff...

My Dad's estate is officially closed. It happened a few weeks ago. Coincidence that I am experiencing some nerve pain probably originating in my low back? Coincidence that last weekend I had to shut things down? No. I had wondered for months how I would feel when this "closure" occurred, and the jury is still out. I am not feeling too much delayed grief, although if I read or hear about someone else experiencing death of a loved one, it does make me cry. I also have to come to terms with losing relationships with 3 of my siblings. It makes me sad to have lost first Mom in 2006, then Dad in 2007, and now 3 other family members. And while all of this was going on, I was trying to be a good friend to several friends and acquaintances going through their own life crises, only to be tossed aside by several of them. I feel like I have lost so many people that I loved with all my heart, and now I am trying to do something all by myself that is harder than anything I've ever done, and that is the struggle I have right now.

It is easy to do hard things when you have your support network around you, but it's hard when your support network abandons you. I'm not saying that I have zero support network, it is just that these were people very special to me, some of whom I think "got" me more than anyone else in my life ever has. So of course all of this has got me thinking that it's time to make some changes, time to seek out some new people that will "get" me and maybe even appreciate me. But I committed to do something hard and the reality is that I don't have the time to seek out new relationships right now. And that is the conundrum, the thing that every few days, surfaces in my head and makes me think maybe I can't do this, that maybe I am too weak for it.

And then a small good thing happens. Friday before my long swim, I read this post by David Goggins, who is a person I hugely admire and relate to in certain ways. There are people out there who do the hard things no matter what. It is just their nature. And it made me think who the fuck am I to give up on something I made a commitment to, just because right now it's hard for me because I am experiencing a shitload of loss and at a crossroad in my life where maybe it's going to be time to once again take stock, toss out more stuff (and even people) that does me no good and maybe even put aspects of my life on hold while I work towards something which I am not quite sure why I am doing but that I just know I need to do.

So I make a remark about Goggins and his post on Facebook and get some of the usual blather remarks about how I can't possibly HATE my long swims because they are, after all, in support of the big goal. I just state how *I* feel, how *I* experience my life, and that is all that Goggins is doing. Maybe your experience of life is different, but hey, neither him nor I am saying that the way that we have chosen is better or worse than someone else's way. Don't tell me how I am supposed to feel, and I won't tell you. Whatever is going on inside your head is none of my business.

I do not equate happiness with fun. While there are aspects of my training that are from time to time fun, at this point, it is all work. Fitness is work! Here is another viewpoint by a person that I identify with. I do know people who need to be constantly entertained--if they aren't on vacation, engaged in the hoopla of a big event, watching something exciting on TV, doing a group workout (for motivation, you know) or trying out the latest fitness fad, they just aren't "happy." That is OK. I am not like that. I like to plan the work, thinking about what's possible at the culmination of it all. But the reality is that the middle part is the hardest. Doing the work. Planning is fun! Racing is fun! Training for Ironman was sometimes fun. Achieving a new fitness benchmark is satisfying. But it's work, and not fun.

Why do I want to do the hard thing? Maybe in a prior life I would have chosen an occupation that was harder than what I do now. I've been told I would make a good policeman, lawyer and assorted other occupations. Maybe I want to do hard physical things because I wimped out on the occupation thing. For me, doing hard physical things helps me to cope with doing hard mental things. And yet I don't feel that what I am doing is really that hard. It is just hard NOW. Thing is, whatever you are doing that you are experiencing as hard is no longer hard once you've transcended it, right? Non-emotional things, anyway. Grief and loss of someone's love cannot be trained for, but I think you can shorten your acceptance period.

OK now back to some physical stuff. You'd think that with the generally good physical condition I was in before I embarked on this Ultraman stuff that I would have zero issues with my body, but you would be wrong. I am asking my body to do stuff it's never done, and even if I religiously stretch 1/2 hour every day, sleep tons and eat right, I'm still a working stiff trying to fit it all in (and more of it) and not crack. If I could do my training every day and then lay down or even nap for a few hours afterward, that would be great. If my meals would magically show up in front of me 2 or 3 times a day, that would be great. If I could outsource everything but my actual job and the training, showering, eating and sleeping, it would be Nirvana! But I can't, so I find whatever little things will help me to deal with my limited time and resources. So whenever I find a new way to save time, I'm a happy camper. Losing an hour of time today was truly crushing, but in the end the time I lost was relaxation time. Sleep is not something I will sacrifice.

I'm signed up for a 1/2 marathon next Sunday. Right now I'm not sure if I can do it or not. I am just taking this ass tightness one day at a time. I certainly have the endurance for it. Actually today I felt like I could have run an entire marathon, and I know that it wouldn't have been hard. When I have thoughts like that, I know that my fitness is progressing. My benchmark used to be feeling like I could do a 1/2 Ironman at the drop of a hat. Now it's an Ironman. It would have been a bit rough today, but I could have gotten through it. I hope that as the days and weeks go by, I feel like that more and more.

Everyone go and be who you are, without excuses, and do not feel you have to answer the question "why." Except to yourself.

Wanted: Crew Members for Ultraman Canada 7/28-8/4/2010 in Penticton, B.C. Canada to Support Me

What’s in it for you?

· Your food and lodging are paid for on this wonderful vacation (you pay to get yourself there and back)

· You get to be a part of an elite athletic experience

· If you are considering doing something like this yourself, you get to see how it’s done

· You get to take a lot of credit for my success—I can’t do this without you!

· You have the opportunity to learn a lot about training for, planning for and executing a significant event, since when I am not racing I will be babbling on about everything

· You have the opportunity to pace me for parts of the double marathon (52.4 miles) in a beautiful place, getting in some valuable training time!

What does a Crew Member do?

· Drives/rides in the chase van that accompanies me during the bike and run legs.

· Helps “manage” me pre- and post-race days and in transition.

· Ensures adequate supplies are on hand during bike and run legs—including athlete and crew nutrition, hydration, cooling, medical, etc. This means that while I am getting a massage and trying to recoup my energy after Days 1 and 2, you are still busy doing stuff.

· Ensures athlete navigates course accurately (except during the swim where I will have a kayaker escort doing the honors—bonus if you can kayak and would be my escort!).

· Understands and is accountable for providing athlete nutrition, gear changes, cooling, pacing information.

· Keeps track of nutrition dispensed to keep athlete on track with needs.

· Ministers to athlete in case of poor judgment, problem solving and (when required) motivation

· Understands difference between athlete needing to HTFU and being in actual physical danger.

· Paces the athlete during the double marathon at times. This is not strictly a requirement, but I would prefer it if at least 1 of the crew can do this.

· Detailed information can be found here: http://ultramancanada.com/

Basically, you do a bunch of work while I show up and race!

The actual racing dates are 7/31-8/2, but I need crew members to be up there 2 days before so we can review final plans, perhaps drive parts of the bike courses, purchase supplies, etc.

The race directors will help me find a crew if I do not provide my own, but my preference is to have people that I know and trust, and I would expect to do some planning beginning in April-May (checklists and that sort of thing). It helps if you have done ultra-crew duties before and if you have done ultra-distance events, only so you are not alarmed at my physical or mental states along the way.

If you can’t do this yourself but you know someone who might be interested, please have them contact me, especially if they are in my local area (greater Chicagoland).

I don’t often ask for too much from others, but this time is a huge exception. If you do this for me, I will forever be in your gratitude and can hopefully return the favor !

Do I Have DUMBASS Written on My Forehead?

This is going to be a race report, weekly summary and general commentary.

First off, I got in just shy of 19.5 hours of training in this week, holy fucking CRAP! Not bad for the last week of February. I am getting my weekly run mileage over 30 again (finally), the swimming is inching up little by little, and in a few weeks I should be busting outside for some more serious riding. Meanwhile, my strength workouts have been killer, and I get in extra because it keeps snowing, and the way I shovel, trust me, it's another workout!

Friday was another 7500 yard swim, only I did it a bit on the easy side ("only" 3,000 yards pulling). It was from 6-8:30AM, and I was appropriately tired afterward, but ate well the remainder of the day, and I actually felt OK by noon, so this tells me that 1) I am acquiring the endurance to swim this distance (actually up to almost 9,000 yards) and be alive afterward; 2) I am getting the nutrition right and 3) I can do another workout the same day. Yes, that's right, later in the day I finished up my strength work for the week. Sure it was only 30', but I felt just fine doing it. I really believe it's better if I do SOMETHING after these big efforts, even if it's just walking, to get my blood moving. I discovered something else to help me get over a big swim--lay on my back on a bed with shoulders up hanging off. I swear the combination of pec stretch and blood flow to my head and arms did wonders for me.

So OK Friday was about 3 hours of training.

Saturday I was able to sleep in and felt pretty good when I woke up. Instead of farting around for a few hours, I got myself ready to bike and run, and I had mixed up 200 calories of Ultrafuel to pre-load me with carbs. I was on the bike before 9AM, finished 2.5 hours, and then headed to the Y to run :35 and hike :15. I felt really good running, even though I thought I wouldn't. After that I got in a good stretch, did some chores, then watched a bunch of Olympics coverage and got ready to race today.

I slept like a rock last night, wishing I had time for like 12 hours, which I am pretty sure I could have slept that long. I had 2 cups of coffee, my usual breakfast and 200 calories of Ultrafuel. I rode LGL for 10' real easy to begin my race warmup, then drove to the race site.

In the locker room, I saw a woman that I thought belonged to my Y. I asked her if she went there, and she said yes, and she recognized me. I asked her her name, and I guessed her last name, since I always stalk who is in my age group, and got it right. She asked me mine, and then she said I am the woman she can never beat. She just aged up to 50-54 this year, and before the first race, I thought she stood a chance of beating me if I had a bad day, but that just never happened. She asked me how I rode so hard on the bike (a stationary bike, Precor brand), and I told her I ride A LOT. You know, like 6,000 miles a year! She said she did, too, but I am not so sure--I have never seen her out riding in the area, and I would recognize her, I think. Anyway, she tells me how many marathons she has done (I think it was over 50), and I was like, WOW, and I was wearing a Goofy Challenge shirt, and she asked me what my times were so I told her, saying, "I'm not very fast."

Next, she starts expounding on this class at the Y led by the trainer named Maurice, who I know. She tells me I should really REALLY take this class because it would really help with my endurance, and you know me--I am just smiling politely letting her ramble on. I thank her, but say that I think I have plenty of endurance. She tells me again I should take this class, and I say nothing.

Finally, I ask her when her wave goes off and it's before mine, and I say, "Oh, too bad--it would be fun to go head to head." And then I said, "Not that I'm competitive or anything." And she said almost the same thing.

OK, so that was the funny story. Why? What is it that the more fit I become (and trust me, you can LOOK at me and tell, I know this because I hear it often enough) that people think I am a dumbass and they need to tell me something amazing that I absolutely MUST do to improve? OK you might say they are just trying to be helpful, but I do not do that to other people unless they have either asked me for advice, or told me a lot about what they are doing and wishing for better results in which case I might have some ideas for them.

But today, it was someone who I am clearly faster than, and at one point I did tell her I have done a bunch of Ironman races (after she asked me about triathlons), so what is it that required some comment about something I should do to increase my endurance?

I kicked her ass in the race today ;) And I had my fastest run ever! So I guess next time I see this woman at the Y, I should thank her for annoying the shit out of me.

Now she is not the only one making these suggestions. 2 weeks ago, a friend of mine (he knows who he is) reported that my run cadence is too high and that I should decrease it. To which I replied, I think, "Huh, funny that I have become faster." I did not TRY to increase my run cadence--it just happened. Just like last year I noticed my average cycling cadence had gone up (it was 98 at IMLP, and most of my workouts lately are 98-100 even with hard intervals). This year, just after North Face, I began noticing my run cadence was higher. When I do strides, it is about 100. Before this year, I was usually around 90-95. What is different this season? I have RUN MY ASS OFF. I am not worried about the increase in cadence--I think it is just self-selected, and I am certainly not going to try and make it less.

Then maybe a month ago, someone else was asking me about my training, and the question came up how much biking am I doing? To which I answered about 5.5 hours a week nowadays. He said, "That doesn't sound like enough." Then he proceeded to tell me that he thinks I am swimming too much, and I got rather pissed off and said, "Oh and when was the last time YOU trained for an Ultraman?" I guess a lot of people are experts on how I should be training, even though they have never attempted what I am doing.

I find this to be simultaneously annoying and hilarious. Honestly, unless someone asks me and I think it's worth my time to go into some level of detail as to what I think they should be doing, I keep it to myself. There are people who I truly respect that I will reach out to for advice and will also welcome it from them unsolicited. People who want to tell me a thing or two generally have no idea of what my full training is like, and any coach worth their salt would not offer up advice without knowing quite a bit about the athlete.

Oh well, back to the race report.

So after miss "I can help you out" leaves the locker room to go and do something else, I head to finish up my warmup. I went onto the track, since the first wave hadn't started, and ran 23 laps (12 to the mile), with the first 12 really easy, then I picked it up for about 9, then a few more easy. I decided I wanted to do 23 laps during the race, which would be a personal best for me. While I was running, I waved at some people I knew down below (the track at this club is upstairs), and I thought I was feeling pretty good and could have a good race.

I went back downstairs and got on one of the Precor bikes for 10 minutes, and figured it was going to be what it was going to be. I saw the massage therapists (from the school run by my masseusse, Mike) were already in attendance, so I ran over and asked if I could get a quick tuneup on my legs, which were still pretty worked over from Saturday. I told my girl about the woman in my AG and that I fully intended to show her how it's done once I got going. I got about 5' worth of work on my legs and was good to go.

I hurried back into the locker room and put on my swimsuit bottom (already had the top on), and headed to the pool. I guess I wasn't paying enough attention to the clock, because I only had time to swim 50 yards before we started, but hey, that's the breaks. I got lucky swimming next to a woman who was swimming about the same pace as me, and I even got to draft off her a little. We were neck and neck for about 300 yards, then she pulled ahead a little, then slowed down, and I final kicked past her at the finish.

Back to the locker room and I'm walking in after a quick shower, and someone yells at me, "I want your abs!" And then 3 or 4 other women chimed in. I said something about just get your bodyfat way down and there they are, and hurried up to put on my bike shorts, socks and running shoes and head to the bikes.

Waiting for the bike leg to begin, one of the volunteers came up to me and said I really had a nice kick in the pool and I was shocked. I am still pitifully slow in the water, but he said I really kicked it in when they blew the horn for a minute to go. So that made me feel good--I have been working on my kicking, so when I can do it, it's OK.

On the bike and I was going to do my usual pattern. It's a secret, OK?. No it's not! It's called RIDE FUCKING HARD! I wasn't first in my wave to hit a mile this time as there were some hotshot youngsters in it, but that was OK, I think I still did pretty good, maybe 2nd place for the bike wave, and my highest mileage for the 3 races this year. I did more miles last year, but so did everyone--the bikes must have been calibrated differently. Anyway, I did my usual lay on the floor for about 30 seconds after I was done because it is SO hard, and then made my way with jelly legs upstairs to run.

I got congratulations on my biking from several of the youngsters, so that was pretty nice, and then we were lining up to run, and I was busy sipping water (hoping that I wouldn't puke afterward), and got to the line, and everyone wanted me in front, but I am not a fast runner, but I know how these things go--many people go off like fucking rabbits and then they slow down.

We took off, and I tried to start relatively easy, and decided to hold pace for 12 laps, which would be just more than half my goal of 23 (in 15 minutes). Of course, it got harder as time went on, but I did not try and push it until I was 12 laps in. Meanwhile, I had passed at least 5 people who had gone out way too fast, so that was cool. I just ran and ran, and at some point I lost count of my laps, and I thought I only did 22, but I guess it was 23, and I was pretty happy, and almost puked, but I really had to try and catch my breath and hung over the railing for a bit.

I jabbered with a guy I met at the first of these races who is really good and really young, but I really enjoy talking to him. He said I looked good running, and I said he looked like he "was out on an easy ride" on the bike. We compared notes, and then I went to check results so far just to be sure I had beat Miss I Know More Than You, and I was way past her. Not that I am competitive or anything!

Then I got a great massage and had to NOT eat pizza because I still wanted to run some more. At this club, the treadmills get shut down during the race, so I had to drive home and head to the Y. I got in another 1:15 of running, and :15 of walking on incline. Running after these races always sucks, ALWAYS! But I got it done, and I am glad for it.

Next up is to see whether I can actually get up and swim tomorrow morning. I'm pretty sure I will and it will feel good.

Another week of Ultraman training survived, another race and my last one (as of this writing) before Ultraman!

Survived another big week

Where do I start?

First, I wondered if I'd feel at all OK on Monday after Sunday's warmup then race then run afterward. 2 weeks prior, I felt absolutely shelled on Monday and took the day off. This time, I thought I got the nutrition and hydration right for my long swim the Friday before, felt pretty good Saturday for a bike and run and then the race went well on Sunday and I hoped I'd come close to covering my calorie replacement for the day.

Monday morning I woke up and was predictably a little "crusty," but felt that a swim would do me good to loosen up if nothing else. I only had to swim 2700, so I went and got it done, and immediately ate another breakfast afterward, since I could tell I was low on carbs. While the swim felt great, I now felt like I'd been hit by a truck, but after the oatmeal kicked in, I felt like I was up for running, and so I did an easy 50' run at lunchtime and felt like I was coming around.

I had to attend a 2-day offsite training seminar for work Tuesday and Wednesday. Since we would be sequestered during lunch, I shuffled my workouts for Tuesday-Thursday, since I wouldn't be able to do lunchtime workouts on Tuesday or Wednesday.

Tuesday I had to get my 1:25 bike in first thing in the morning, which meant starting at 6AM, and my body was just not into it. I had enough sleep, but a trainer ride at that time of day is rare for me, but I slogged through it anyway and figured I had some residual fatigue from Sunday anyway.

Wednesday morning I thought I'd lift for 1/2 hour and then go and do my run, which starting this week for about 8 weeks or so, is a nice track workout with 5k and 10k intervals included. I was careful not to do anything with my legs in my lifting session, and then headed to the Y to run. I did the 10' warmup on the treadmill (which prevents me from running too fast when I'm supposed to be warming up), and then hit the track, where, surprise, surprise, it turns out I'm running a little faster than a year ago. YA THINK???? After all that running I've done since last September, I assumed maybe I should be a little faster, and the indoor tris more or less bore that out, but now this workout was just 3 days later than a race. I continue to be surprised that I can turn in a decent run performance just about whenever now. Still, once I finished the 1-hour blitz, my legs were a little sore, but I stretched a little bit before heading to the training class. When I got back home after the session, I worked for about an hour and then lifted for about another 1/2 hour.

Thursday morning I swam just 1900 (it was supposed to be a threshold test, but my training is just too nutso and changing all the time for me to be "on" for these, go figure), and then I ran for 1/2 hour. I normally would have done that short run on Saturday after my long ride, but I was going to change things up for the weekend, so I got it done Thursday morning. Later in the day I did another 1:25 trainer ride, and just did not have biking legs (the story of the week, I guess), but I finished it for time with craptastic power output.

I had decided I would do a "big Saturday" by combining my long swim and long ride, which meant that Friday I could sort of sleep in (for a change!) and just do a 50' easy run, and then later on finish up my strength work for the week. Even though I hadn't trained more QUANTITY by Friday than normal, adding that track workout just 3 days after a race was enough for me to feel sort of tired on Friday anyway. But at least I didn't have to swim 2.5 hours! Still, I had to make bottles for Saturday so I'd be ready to roll before 5AM.

Yesterday I woke up at 3:45 so I'd have time to choke down 650 calories before I began working out. I needed to be in the pool at 5AM in order to get 3 hours of time before Masters started. I'd mixed up 3 bottles of a new Infinit mix that contains a bit of protein, as I've been advised to try and start taking in some protein for these long workouts. I putzed around a little and started swimming at 5:07, but still managed to get in 8700 yards by 8AM. The Infinit seemed fine, but it also had less caffeine than my normal mix so we'd have to see how that went. Since I'd sucked down so many calories before I started, I couldn't finish all of the Infinit, but still did pretty well.

I went back home to hop on the bike, and I'd decided to not use Infinit but just Gatorade and gels. I am not sure if that was the mistake, or the protein Infinit was bad, but I just never felt good on the bike. I am going to attribute it to the Infinit, and in 2 weeks I'll switch back to 100% carbs for comparison. Anyway, it wasn't like I needed to ride HARD, but I wanted to and just didn't have the oomph I was looking for. Or maybe I am just growing tired of 2:30+ trainer rides. Maybe the 4000 yards of pulling wore me out. Who knows? I was just glad once I got done, and I treated myself to a huge serving (more like 1.5) of the lasagna I'd made and frozen last month or whenever that was, and it was great. I also had Endurox R4, then a Ghiradelli treat of caramel-filled squares and a small mint-flavored Milky Way. I figured that a 6-hour workout entitled me to some treats! For dinner I had 2 meaty lamb chops and a big pile of spaghetti with homemade pesto chased with a couple of beers. Once I finished working out, the remainder of the day consisted of laying around and watching the Olympics. I really got into the 30k cross-country race, and enjoyed watching the teamwork of the Swedes--it was more like a bike race!

Since I had woken up so early, I was pretty ready to sleep by 7PM but stayed up until 8PM to watch a bit more Olympics before retiring. No alarm clock.

The deal for this weekend was to see if I could back up a big swim and ride with a long run. This is something I'd not done yet, and as this Ultraman training is all about trying out new stuff and seeing how I respond (especially considering that on paper I have some amazing shit planned!), I figured this was a good time to try out the combination, as in about another month, I will move my long run(s) to Thursday (and also Tuesday come May FUCKING OUCH!).

When I woke up this morning, I felt well rested (10 hours is good for that), and didn't feel gnarly muscular-wise. I wanted to start running by 9AM which meant I had some time for some other chores like dusting, dishes, etc. Well in that time, and I find this happens frequently, I began feeling tired, so I drank most of a can of Coke before heading to the Y. My body is funny that way in that if I just start training before my brain can sidetrack me, I'm usually good, but if I put it off for even an hour I start to feel tired.

I got to the Y and had to congratulate one of the trainers who had just qualified for Boston in his first marathon!. He's 23, and he and I chat regularly about this and that. So I wasted some more time, but it was fun talking to him, and then I got down to business.

When I started running, it actually felt good, so once again I surprised myself by achieving another milestone in this journey. Plus, I did a progressive run which ended with 20' at tempo pace, and that felt hard, but still I got it done, getting in 13.1 miles in 2 hours. Then I walked for 30' at 4mph changing incline .5% every 5 minutes.

All in all, I got in 17 hours regular training plus 30 minutes walking, so not a bad week. I feel pretty tired right now (expected), but better than I felt last Sunday after I finished all that stuff. So I'm hopeful I can be in good enough shape to get in a swim tomorrow morning, and then I'll bike since we are getting another snowstorm, so I'll put off running until Tuesday.

This week will be challenging again, as I hope to rediscover my biking legs, I've got another track workout on Wednesday, and I'll be back to swimming 2.5 hours on Friday before work, a 2:30 ride on Saturday plus a :40 run, and Sunday is the last of the 3 indoor triathlons (which I intend to win my AG, even though I've secured the series win already), but I need to run a total of 1:40 on Sunday between warmup, race and post-race run again. The week after will be a beast--sort of like this week--only I will be running more. I will do another "big Saturday."

I am getting better at the nutrition thing. It seems lately that literally all I do is eat, sleep, train, stretch and work. But if I get the nutrition thing right, I have a little energy left over on the weekends to get a few things done. And I am grateful for that time right now. Once it warms up and I'm running outside exclusively, that will mean less time spent driving to/from the Y, and I may even start running there to swim in the morning...anything I can do to get more time on my feet is a good thing, and 3 trips a week on foot would give me 3.6 extra miles of running per week, which will switch over to biking to the outdoor pool in June.

Arrggggghhhh...speaking of which did anyone see the ski cross qualification round? Enak Gavaggio had the most rad helmet that had a skull and crossbones on it. I saw this while I was still running (and quite smelly, I'm sure), and just lit up, pointed at the TV screen and shouted "NICE!"

I am amazed that yet again I have been able to do something new that give me just a little more confidence about this thing I am training for that maybe, just maybe, I can do it. To me it's a little like collecting so many tokens that I am going to need to pull out on the race days--the more of them I collect sooner in the training process, the more time I have to collect a huge stash, and then whether I need them all or only a few during the race, it doesn't matter because I HAVE THEM! That to me is what confidence building is all about. I have already done 11 7,000+ yard swims and now have done long swim/long ride combination twice and a few rather long runs along the way. And I am beginning to collect nutrition tokens, too, which are just as important as the training ones. So my collection of tokens is growing, even though they are damn difficult to collect! But every time I get another one, my mind believes just a little more that I may actually be able to do this thing. Even more importantly, though, is that every time I collect another token, my desire to continue training grows. Believe me (and I know I sound like a broken record), this is the most difficult thing I have ever attempted, and the voices telling me to just give up that this is too hard are present frequently. But the tokens quiet them down, and eventually they will be gone (I hope!), leaving me with the means to get the race done and finished.