Sickness and Grief

I've been swimming in emotions since just before my birthday, since last year at that time is when my Dad took ill, and then next came his birthday, and 2 days ago the one year anniversary of his death.

I came back from PCB having had a nice time away from these thoughts, although I cried my eyes out on the balcony the night before I left in anticipation of the death anniversary. And since I've been having all the remodeling done in my house and people occupying it, I've had another distraction from my own emotions.

I had another good cry on Monday after returning from PCB, but it wasn't that bad, because I was so tired from lack of sleep that it kind of balanced things out.

Tuesday, the death anniversary, was surprisingly calm for me, and it really made me feel good to be with some of my family.

Wednesday morning I woke up to feeling sick in the same way I was last year at Thanksgiving. I knew that it was a result of all the grief and emotional processing, and I didn't think I would ever feel that awful again, but there it was. I managed to get through the work day OK since the contractors had returned so I didn't really have the freedom to walk around and cry, and I also didn't have the freedom to just lay in bed and be physically sick! I felt so awful at one point, that I could feel my eyelids trying to shut on me just to block everything out, even if I didn't sleep. I laid in bed for about 15 minutes so my eyes could shut and I could be in the moment with both the physical and emotional pain, but then got up and back at work because I had to.

On Wednesday afternoon, I was busy working and listening in on a conference call and web broadcast, and within minutes of one another I got phone calls from the estate lawyer and a grief counselor that has been following up with me over the past year (I've requested this to continue for a few months). I couldn't talk to either of them right then, and at the same time I wanted to scream and cry and tell them everything that has been going on and how sad I am and how helpless I feel.

Yesterday I was finally able to speak with the grief counselor, and I explained to her that I had become physically sick, and felt just like I did a year ago when the immediate pain of grief was on me. She assured me that all of this is normal, that the death anniversary is a trigger that sets you back. I told her that my triggers began about 2 weeks ago, and now I get to continue on into Thanksgiving and Christmas, although I've been through them once without my Dad. Last year the holidays were absolutely terrible. I am really hoping it's not as bad this time around, because I feel absolutely awful, and I don't think I can handle another 2 months of this. I told her I've been effectively unable to train the way I want to, which just compounds the bad feelings even further. She was kind enough to remind me that I had come a long way since a year ago and that all of these feelings I'm having now are perfectly normal.

Normal! Big fucking deal! It's normal to feel like complete and total crap! The counselor told me that this will pass, too. In my heart I know it will, and I know that every little thing that goes wrong right now just amplifies the feelings I'm having, and that there's nothing I can do about anything external to me, even though those things are stressing the hell out of me. I am trying to dig deep into my heart and soul and convince myself that things are going to be OK again--that I will feel alive, hopeful and happy. That is all I want for the time being. Right now I feel dead, hopeless and very sad. I am doing the things that I need to do to be alive--that's about it. Writing stuff down helps in a way because it helps me capture a point in time. I know that when I am speaking with friends about myself that I do not have much clarity, and I'm swinging between one thing and the other, changing my mind on decisions that I thought were solid, and being generally dysfunctional, much like I felt a year ago.

I slept maybe 2 hours last night. I am pretty drained. At least today, though, there will be no other people in my house. If I need to decide to call in sick to work today, I can do that. My eyes already want to close on me but not to sleep just to not see and not feel.

I am very frightened of Thanksgiving coming up because my house stuff will be finished, and I'll be left here, all alone, with something that I should be enjoying, right? And then I'll jump right back into remembering that Dad isn't here, but maybe I can remember 2 years ago when he and I shared Thanksgiving dinner in my home. Maybe I'll cook what I cooked for him then. I know I'll always remember how much he loved me and wanted me to be happy.

I'm trying. It's very difficult right now, but I'm trying.

What it's About

Yesterday was the one-year anniversary of the death of my Dad. I began experiencing the repeat sadness Sunday night while I was still in PCB. I've since deduced that I have a 2-day rule when it comes to these things--I have anticipatory grief 2 days before. I didn't have it in me to be too sad on Monday because I was so tired from lack of sleep, but I didn't feel well, and so it helped to sit down and recap my trip to PCB since it was filled with laughter and happiness and all that is positive and good in the world.

Yesterday I returned to work, and while I felt mentally pretty much good, inside me my body was churning and wrestling with me trying to make me feel bad. I am very familiar with the physical sensation of grief. For me, it's like someone has cut a hole in my stomach, put a vise on my heart, and turned my arm and leg muscles to jello. I did swim in the morning, but made it short, as my emotions went from complete joy in thinking about my nice little vacation, causing me to laugh hysterically, to the feelings of sadness, which made it hard to breathe and I had to fight off tearing up in my goggles.

Around 12:45, I went for a ride on LGL. It was a beautiful day, and very unusual weather for November. We are having Indian Summer now! Because my muscles did not wish to work for me, I could not ride hard at all, but that was OK. It was just nice to be outdoors in the sunshine, and it occurred to me that I should always go for a bike ride on my Dad's death anniversary, since that is the exercise that he took up in his 70's to maintain some sort of cardiovascular fitness. So I rode about 1:30, and it did make me feel better.

I'd called my brother, Mike, before I left for PCB and asked if he'd want to go out for dinner yesterday, and he had, and I called him early in the day to be sure we were still good to go. I decided to also invite his daughter (my niece), Michelle. Michelle asked if her fiance, Jeff, could come too, and I said sure.

We all met at Pappadeaux's, which is near to where Michelle lives, and not far from me. Before Michelle and Jeff arrived, I ordered this great Bloody Mary, which included hand-stuffed bleu cheese olives:

It was tasty, tasty. Below is a picture of all of us, from left to right, Mike, me, Michelle and Jeff.


Here's just me enjoying my cocktail:

Here's Michelle with her Dad, my brother Mike:

Below are Michelle and Jeff, who are to be married on 9/20/2009, which they both informed me is the day after International Talk Like a Pirate Day. They said they tried to get their reception place and everything exactly on 9/19, but were unable to. But they said it's easy for their friends to remember far in advance when the wedding will be! I asked if they were going to dress as pirates, and unfortunately, no. But Jeff tells me that both Pirate and Ninja (apparently, there is a cosmic battle going on between Ninjas and Pirates) wear will be prominent amongst the guests! I'm excited for their impending marriage, as it's been quite awhile since anyone in my immediate or extended family has gotten married, and it will give me an excuse to sew a really nice dress or two.

When all was said and done, basically we just got together and had dinner together. Mike and I talked a bit about Dad before Michelle and Jeff arrived, but over dinner we just had normal conversation. And that is the point. Life is about being with people you love. Period. All the other crap like what you do for a living, hobbies, administrative nonsense, are just filler. Of course, the more of those things you can do with people you love, the better.

Which is why I've been filling my free time over the last 7 weeks or so being with people I love, even though many of them do not live near me. It is the best thing, and it's what gets me through all the other times when I can't be with them for whatever reason.

This morning I registered for Ironman Kansas 70.3, and now I need some of those people I love (none of them pictured above) to register, too, or make time to come and spectate! I had wanted another 1/2 Ironman in my schedule before IMLP, and now I've got it! I'll have a jam-packed schedule beginning with Triple T and ending with Ironman Canada (see my sidebar for the schedule), but I'm now getting excited about all of it since I'll be with people I love at each of them!

It's ironic that someone made a remark about me to a friend of mine on the order of, "Do you want to end up like her?" What does that mean? I think I'm "ending up" in a good way! Sure, there are my Crackheaded adventures, not all of which I make public, and sure I can be a bit of an exhibitionist at times (although I always say that when I no longer look good in skimpy attire I will stop that noise), and it is true that I absolutely love to laugh and giggle and get other people around me to laugh and enjoy themselves, but what's wrong with any of that? At the core of all this is that I love being with people that I love. And it's important to me to find as many of them as I can. We all need to feel loved and give it back. That's it. That's what this thing called life is about. And when you think about someone you loved that is gone, keep living and loving.

Ironman Florida Spectating and Nothing Report

Click on the post title to get to the HUMONGOUS Flickr folder with all kinds of pics that chronicle my time in beautiful Panama City Beach, Florida. The pic above is Cindy and I on race day out doing our spectating thing.

I was so lucky to stay with Shelley and her family, who you will see in many of the photos, particularly her son, Eric. Eric and his Dad spent a lot of time golfing, but then we all hung out at the pool, the expo, the Gatorade swim and various other locations.

Here's a brief summary of the good stuff that happened:

Wednesday: I arrived, Shelley picked me up. Shelley gave me some birthday gifts (naughty panties and some other pink stuff), and I gave her some pink stuff from Trashy Cat. I went for a 1-hour bike ride on the course with Shelley and her friend, Dennis. Shelley had a technical, which we were able to repair in order to get back, and we got new seat post bolts on the way home so she was good to go for race day. Wednesday evening, Shelley made one of her amazing dinners, which we ate out on the balcony looking at the sunset. Shelley, Eric and I went to Walmart for provisions, and while there, we had fun in the ladies' bra department. I got a new Barbie that came with "TV Cooking Show" accoutrements. Eric played the trumpet.

Thursday: Eric, his Dad (Jeff) and I volunteered at the Gatorade swim. I got a cool shirt from Tom Ziebart. I had fun watching the athletes doing their thing (and sometimes laughed at them or with them). Shelley, Jeff and I went to a winery and tasted many wines, none of them made from grapes! The winer is the Panama City Beach Winery. Check them out! I bought a case of the tomato/chile pepper and 6 bottles each of coconut and passion fruit. I had mine shipped home, since it was cheaper than paying for it to fly on the airplane with me! I also got some nice Caribbean hot sauces. Shelley bought a few bottles of some other wines to take back home. The wine tasting set us up for a nice afternoon of hanging at the pool and walking along the beach. Shelley had some more training to do in the afternoon, and so I opted for a long walk down the beach to visit with Brett, his wife Courtney, and their twins. It was really nice and peaceful walking down the beach. When everyone got back, we had another great dinner care of Shelley's cooking.

Friday: This was a jam-packed day! It began with Shelley organizing her race crap and me organizing what i was going to need for the day. Shelley, Jeff and Eric all went and volunteered at the Gatorade swim, and I suited up to swim 1/2 the course myself and then run afterwards. After that, we all went and ate breakfast/lunch at Waffle House. Eric and Jeff went golfing, and since it was such a gorgeous day, Shelley and I went down to the pool and ended up taking a nice, long walk on the beach together, talking and laughing. I was wearing a thong, and some guy (Pumpkin Man) was behind us walking enjoying the view. We chatted with him and continued along on our way. On the way back to the condo, I saw a sailboat that seemed perfect for some hot photos, and so we posed and snapped away! Then Shelley needed to check her bike in, and I tried sneaking into transition with Eric's bike, but it didn't have numbers so they wouldn't let me in with the bike, so I handed the bike over the fence, jumped it, parked it, and then went back in with just a wristband from IMLP. Got a few pics of Shelley and Maria, and then we all went back to the condo to hang at the pool some more. I put the thong swimsuit back on, Shelley and I took another walk, and I ended up crawling through a sand tunnel! One woman didn't think I'd fit, but the men could tell that I would, and so I went through and Shelley took great pics there. Back at the pool, I was then kicked out for wearing a thong, but it was late anyway, so our pool time was over. Shelley made another kick-ass dinner which would set her up for race day. I really liked her garlic bread. I tell ya--people that love garlic are good in my book always! Next, Shelley and I dressed up as if we were Halloweening, but we ended up only making some of the athletes a bit nervous (I guess that was my fault--thong swimsuit with thigh high stockings and a tutu and crown???) and then walking down the main road a bit strutting our stuff. Finally, returning home, we had to get Shelley to sleep early for race day. It was Halloween, though, and we were watching Poltergeist, and I finally had to turn it off because I didn't want any nightmares.

Saturday: Race day!!! My plan was to sneak into transition with Shelley, then watch the swim start and then get Jeff to drive me out onto the bike course to do some riding, and then wait for Shelley to finish 1/2 marathon and then sort of jump onto the course myself and run 13 miles or so, just for training. Getting into transition was a snap with my handy IMLP wristband, and I even pumped up some athlete's tires. I gave Shelley a short massage to get her loosened up, and then I went down to the Gulf to watch things kick off. It was, as are all Ironman starts, a true spectacle! Funny thing was that the people who lined up right on the buoys got out about 25 yards and hit a sandbar and all had to stand up and walk! I got a good pic of that! Then I hung out waiting for my peeps to come out of the swim, and I caught most of them in action with good swim times! Next I walked back to the condo, where Jeff and Eric already were, and Eric made us all a great breakfast of scrambled eggs, hash browns and peppers! I didn't really feel like I needed all that food, but what the heck, I'm doing some exercise! Jeff then drove us out onto the place I thought would be good for me to start riding (I had David Greenfield, who I've known for several years, of Elite Bicycles, give me as good a position as possible) on Eric's bike, which is a road bike with toe clips. The place I picked was at about mile 59 of the course, which was perfect! I had initially thought about riding the course in reverse, but I ended up riding in the race! It was fucking totally fun, except for observing all the cheating going on. And I mean blatant cheating! But what was also fun was that me being out there fucked with a few people's heads, particularly the men. Women were all like, "Great job!" One guy asked if he could ask me my swim split, and I flipped him off. Some German chic shouted something at me in German which I imagined was cursing. I kept totally to the right so I didn't obstruct anyone's racing, and actually rode at about 19-20MPH most of the time, so I knew it was going to be a fast race for everyone. I hadn't ridden 60 miles in weeks, but I managed it just fine, on a gorgeous, gorgeous day, and then I had to do some fancy footwork to avoid the transition area and get back to the condo. I stopped by the Elite tent to hang with David and his wrenches, and decided I'd put on a swimsuit to come out and cheer until I was ready to run. I even drank 2 beers! Cindy came by, and that was awesome, and I also met Bigun and his wife. My Brazil bikini was very popular with both racers and spectators. I ran with some random people just to get them motivated. I met Peter Kotland, who has the course record for the Ultraman double marathon at 5:33. Unbelievable! There was much laughing and cheering, it was totally fun. I figured about when Shelley would be returning from her half marathon, so I ran upstairs to suit up for my own run. I may end up appearing in official race photography! The spectators were all cheering for me as I ran, which was both cool and weird. I hadn't run 13 miles since NothingMan, and wasn't sure I could, but I ended up doing about 15 which was cool. I tried to get into the condo to change since I was cold for underdressing for the night chill, but spazzed out on opening the combination lock for awhile, and so I missed seeing Shelley cross the finish line, which pissed me off. But she came back and Eric and I helped her shoes and socks off her tired feet, and she didn't eat anything. I had a few beers and rustled up a sandwich because I was still hungry and thirsty, and got to bed around 11:00PM. I hoped Shelley would wake up hungry because I went to bed hungry and knew I'd be starving in the morning!

Here's how my peeps did in the race:

Adam:

33

09:07:41

BROWN

ADAM

M25-29

2/111

Forrest:

534

11:01:41

FOWLER

FORREST

M50-54

29/173

Brett:

563

11:06:02

CORNWRIGHT

WILLIAM

M35-39

97/351

Shelley:

1666

13:40:03

MCKEE

SHELLEY

W45-49

56/91

Maria:

1272

12:34:34

EID

MARIA

W40-44

47/99

Sunday: This was play day! It began by, of course, a visit to Waffle House for breakfast. All of us were hungry, and managed to eat a bunch of food! Next, we went back to the expo so Shelley could get her some FINISHER CRAP!!! There was a really long line, because they would only let in like 4 people at a time, and I saw a table with nothing on it and offered to give Shelley a massage while we waited (Jeff stood guard for our place in line). I worked on her head, face and neck pretty well, but only one leg! I never did finish that massage, so I guess I owe her one! I ended up getting an IMFL beanie, that I really love, and some socks. After expo, it was time for more beach, Gulf and sun, as it was the most beautiful day so far! At sunset, we ran into our neighbors and hung with them a bit and had some beers, and then finally, Shelley and her family and I had dinner at Hammerheady's. We had a lot of hoots there, and then went back to the condo to do laundry and pack. I had to take apart the Barbie thing in order to cram it into one of my bags.

Monday: This basically consisted of wake up, final pack, load the car and go. I was truly sad to leave such a beautiful place, but even more so to leave a great friend that I don't get to see very often. But Shelley and I will see one another soon, I hope, and maybe we can just hang out and train! I think Eric might miss me, too, but he's 14, and any day now, I am sure he will not be liking his Iron Auntie as much anymore, but I hope he never outgrows it, because he's such a good kid and I really like him! My flights home were uneventful, and I'm really tired, and luckily I get a massage tonight.

Tomorrow will be a somber day as it's the 1-year anniversary of my Dad's death, but he would be happy knowing that I FINALLY took a freaking vacation and spent it with great people! So although I know I'll be shedding some tears tonight and tomorrow, I also know that I know some of the most wonderful people in the world, and am grateful for everything that I do have right now.

The Ironman lifestyle is a great thing. Sometimes I forget it, but this past several days just reinforced how much I love this sport and the people in it.

Have a great week! Below are my feet the day after, still looking awesome. I must have been commenting on something else I was looking at!

Thursday in PCB

I volunteered at the Gatorade Swim along with Shelley's son Eric and hubby Jeff. It was a lot of fun talking to the athletes and just hanging out.

Eric manning the Gatorade given to athletes when they were done swimming

Me before starting my duties

Swim course, at start area

Me, with my awesome new Nike Gatorade shirt given to me by none other than Tom Ziebart, who I first met at a local race in 2004

Me with Brett, who is also racing this year

Me, Shelley and Brett

Shelley and Brett

Brett

Me and Adam Brown, who lives near me and is fucking fast. He qualified for Kona this year but didn't go and is trying to qualify for Kona at IMFL 2008

Here's the awesome dinner Shelley made. The wine sucked, however.

The view from our balcony looking east

IMFL is really a fun Ironman to not do! I'd highly recommend it! Today I swam 1/2 the course, ran 1/2 hour and then we went to Waffle House for breakfast/lunch. Next, I'm going to have Eric's bike fitted to me better and then it's hang out in the sun for a few hours with my girl, Shelley. Later on we'll go Halloweening and then early dinner and sleep for race day, where I hope to bike about 60 miles and run 13 or so.

Fun in PCB

I got here yesterday afternoon after uneventful flights from Chicago to Atlanta (change to EST) and then Atlanta to PCB (change back to CST). Shelley picked me up and we made the short drive to her gorgeous condo. Below is the view from the balcony:

I quickly dumped all my crap in the condo, and then we suited up to go for a ride. Shelley brought her son Eric's road bike for me to ride. It has toe clips. I need to adjust the position a little bit before race day, but basically the bike is the right size for me.

suited up to go for a ride, sporting brand new LAS Squalo helmet

Shelley suited up to ride, also in some nice compression socks!

Fueling up after a 7-hour door-to-door journey

We met up with Shelley's friend, Dennis, and drove out onto a road to do a 1-hour ride. When we turned around, I decided it was a good time to pee, and in fine tradition, Shelley snapped a pic of me:

Shelley had a stripped seat post bolt, and Dennis fixed it as well as possible so we could finish riding.

After the ride, we got new bolts for Shelley's seat post and then had dinner, made a trip to Walmart for provisions, and then she and I both passed out while watching The Love Guru.

This morning I'm volunteering at the Gatorade swim, which should be fun, and then I hope to do some running and sunning! Weather forecast looks awesome for the next few days, including race day!

This is a great place, and I'm so glad I decided to come on down and support some friends!

One New Bathroom Down

This is my new bathroom downstairs off the family room. It's pretty simple--all white--but it's a huge step up from what was there previously. The guy I have doing all this work for me is wonderful--I told Ken from the beginning that I was not one to go to fifteen different stores shopping for this and that. He picked out windows and exterior doors for me, and they look great on the house. He picked everything for this bathroom--except I did go and look at faucets one day because that is one thing I wanted to choose myself.

I spend a lot of time in bathrooms due to my habit of excessive showering ;) Plus, it's the place I put on Bodyglide and/or sunscreen and change into swimming, biking or running clothes. My downstairs is where I spend a lot of time in the winter since that's where the trainer lives. Sigh--it's starting to be that time already, as we had some frankenprecipitation yesterday--not sure whether it was snow, sleet, hail or that weird stuff called graupel.

Next up on the remodeling front is the laundry room, but that doesn't begin until I'm back from PCB next week. Funny thing is that room is almost as big as my kitchen, and it's going to be nicer than the kitchen! Oh well...kitchen and family room get done next year. I need to get all my space and crap back into position and start training!

If any of you live in my area and need interior remodeling, my guy Ken is with KM Interiors. He does great work at reasonable prices, and like I said, he's been great for me to work with in terms of making a lot of good choices for me. The upstairs bathroom is going to be kick ass, though, and I'm spending a lot of time online trying to locate the exact things I need. It's going to be black and white with a red granite vanity top and waterfall faucets. The tub and toilet will be black. I'm currently searching for someone who can sell me the right size granite (picture of sample below) slab (you pay by the slab). Once that's done, I can get it cut and delivered within a week. If I can't get the type below, I'll settle for something temporary until I can get what I want, since it comes from Bra-zeel!

Dear Dad

I am very sad today. It is my deceased Dad's birthday, one year after he passed away. I've known that this past week and the next 2 weeks would be difficult. I got through my own birthday pretty well by immersing myself in something I love--exercise--and am blessed that I have several most excellent friends who gifted me.

Yesterday was filled with a lot of activity. I still am in cleaning/rearranging mode in the house as we are just finishing one bathroom and in 2 weeks the laundry room gets redone followed by the upstairs bathroom. I rode 1:45 and swam :20 yesterday after getting a bunch of stuff done, and after that I got groceries, made dinner and managed to even watch 1/2 hour of TV! Then I decided I wanted to do some dancing, but after about 1 hour of that I just stopped and sat down and remembered that today is Dad's birthday, and it just hit me like a ton of bricks. I managed to fall asleep, but I woke up at 2AM and have not been able to get back to sleep. I lay there thinking and thinking and thinking. So I got up and did a bunch more cleaning.

At one point while I was laying in bed thinking early this morning, I figured out what makes me the most sad is that I can't tell my Dad about the really great things happening in my life right now. I'm finally fixing up my house, I had a decent triathlon season despite not training very well, I'm making the rounds visiting various friends around the country and most importantly, I'm in love. The economy is going to shit, it's going to be winter any day now, but at my core I'm happy! I feel like I've arrived at a point in my life that is really, really great, only I don't get to share it with my Dad who happened to be like my best friend. So I'm going to try and write what I would say to Dad if he were here now:

Dear Dad:

A lot has happened since you passed away. I tried my best to do an expeditious job of handling your Estate, although there are a couple of details left to go. I got lucky in that I was able to sell your house before the entire market totally bottomed out! It's funny that you always called Mom a packrat, but when me and the boys were cleaning out the house, we found a bunch of stuff of yours stashed away as well!

The lawyer you used to set up your Trust is an idiot. I ditched him once I realized this. I found a different lawyer that I really like except I do need to pester him occasionally to get things done as quickly as I want them done.

I felt like crap for 4 months after you died, but I knew you wouldn't want me to mope around forever, and I did make myself keep exercising even while I felt like shit, even if it wasn't as much as I usually did. It's like I told you when you got back into exercising--you just need to make small, incremental changes and be consistent. I have never been really confident in my physical fitness--usually I need someone else to tell me that I'm kickin' it (do you understand that term?).

About April or early May (whenever your house sold), I decided that it was time for me to try and live a "normal" life ("normal" being what's normal for me), and I got back to my triathlon training in earnest and manufactured "races" for myself just so I would have some goals before my first official race, which was at the end of May. We had a cold, wet spring, and I finally learned to suck it up (I usually call it "HTFU" which stands for Harden The Fuck Up) and ride my bike in colder weather than I ever had. Which is a good thing, because you remember I bought that really expensive bike a year ago, and it has been used like crazy!

At my first official race of the year, Triple T, I ended up sharing a cabin with 5 complete strangers! It worked out really well, though, because they were all pretty fast people, and 4 of us in the cabin got hardware (that's triathlon speak for awards). As a matter of fact, it turned out I was the oldest woman who raced, and there was no one else in my division so I automatically scored hardware. I guess that means technically I may suck, but I can tell you I wasn't anywhere near last finisher in any of the races. This time I did the race by myself (remember last year I did it with Cindy on a team?), and it was more difficult, but I still enjoyed it. I thought about you a lot while I was out there suffering, and for once I can say that I was actually suffering. When I did the races in 2007, and it got really hard on Sunday, I was thinking about Mom a lot. This time, I was thinking about you.

I got some good training in after Triple T and really enjoyed doing it. I did my usual race rehearsal weekend up in Madison, and the weather was screwball and I ended up not riding 112 miles like I should have. But it was good enough for this year. I was letting myself be not up to par because I wasn't able to train well over the winter--God damn you dying!!!

I went to Lake Placid again. Last year, I stayed with my then coach, and had a blast, both because he was there and also my friends Cindy and Shelley were there. This time, I got to stay with Shelley and Cindy in a house, and we had just the best time! Shelley wasn't racing, but she took really good care of me. Cindy had her best Ironman ever. Mine not so much, but I did leave part of you on top of Whiteface Mountain and also in the transition area once I finished. I'm going back again in 2009, and I know I'll sense your presence. You'll laugh at this, but when I was almost finished, I had you in a little crack baggie (a tiny arts and crafts Ziploc), and I did still pass some people on the run even though I was slow that day, and when I would pass them I would secretly say to myself, "You're slower than a dead guy!" I know you would have laughed at that remark which is why I'm telling you about it. I felt pretty miserable during the entire race, because I'm so damn small and the constant rain made me hypothermic and I was peeing constantly, and also I was sad because I was thinking about you all day, but knew I had to keep going so I could leave you in various places! And I hadn't trained like I normally would, but you know it was all okay, I was still glad to be doing an Ironman and to have you with me while I did it, because you never got to see me actually at one of those races. Not that I race--I pretty much suck, but I do the best I can for the amount of time that I can train.

After Lake Placid, I felt like I had achieved some closure on your death. I had planned another NothingMan, and unlike last year, I was really looking forward to this one. Isn't it funny? I thought I was all mentally fucked up in 2007 before that NothingMan, and this year you were dead and I thought I was OK? How does that work??? But I think the difference is that I knew my Lake Placid race was more a catharsis to me than an actual Ironman race. I enjoyed it solely for the fact that I was with good friends the entire time. What's funny is that I actually trained pretty hard after Lake Placid for nothing! I think I was just happy to feel good again, and I mean really good. Ironman training is normally a rollercoaster of emotions, but throw in your Dad going dead on you and it becomes even more interesting! But really I'm grateful that I have been doing the Ironman training for 8 years now (even though you thought I'd bail after like 1 or 2 years initially, but then you figured out it did something for me), because it has made me into a really strong woman (I know you said you thought I already was and that's true, but it never hurts to get stronger, right?), since if nothing else, it made it a little easier on me to deal with you being gone.

So I'm getting ready for this NothingMan thing, which we were going to do from my house. Oh--I forgot--in early August I finally got off the stick and scheduled window and door replacement for my house. So I started moving all my crap around so they could get to the windows, and wouldn't you know it, when they were in the middle of painting the exterior the rains came again! I forgot to tell you that we had pretty regular rain through early August, when it mysteriously stopped for a few weeks, but you know what they say--start painting your house and it will rain!

I made one of my infamous deep-dish pizzas to have some after the NothingMan. I remember how much you liked them. I also remember that before I began cooking for the entire family that you weren't that much into the spicy food. Or should I say, Mom didn't make any spicy food! But it seemed that whenever I cooked for you, you loved it, even if I went a little nuts on the heat or spice! I always did like cooking for you because you appreciated it for the effort and the care, and you always took your time savoring whatever I made, unlike the rest of the bunch who typically just wolfed things down! Anyway, I thought about you while I was making that pizza, because I knew you wouldn't get to enjoy any of it. But I remembered fondly that I had made one last year for you and me and how much you liked it.

The days before the NothingMan the rains were coming rather hard. I wasn't looking forward to doing another Ironman in the rain after Lake Placid, but at least I knew what to do differently so it wouldn't feel as bad. And boy did it rain! I got some seepage in my basement, and there was a lake in front of my house, so the guy I did the NothingMan with and I had to punt a bit since it was going to rain all weekend. Oh--by the way, Michelle was going to be bike support for us, but as it turns out, we didn't need her. We swam and did almost half of the bike ride on Saturday. We drove to Fermilab because it would have been unsafe to ride on the roads since they were all flooded. It took a long time to get there because we kept hitting flooded intersections. Once we were in there, though, it was pretty surreal riding in the rain, riding through rivulets and seeing way more egrets and herons (flying right over us, too!) than I've ever seen in there! I voted to stop after 54 miles because it was getting dark (we were slackers and started late, but it was all ad hoc so it really didn't matter).

We did meet up with Michelle at Pappadeaux (that reminds me--I still have a card for there courtesy of you that I need to use up), and Rob (the guy I did NothingMan with) told her, "Thanks for Nothing!" You would have laughed. Anyway, I am happy that Michelle had volunteered, but also glad she didn't have to come out in the rain with us!

We finished riding on Sunday morning indoors, mostly because I am such a wimp. And also Rob noticed I had two bike trainers. Anyway, it worked out well, and then we went and ran 27 miles along my normal running routes. We stopped back at my house for chicken broth and other stuff (we were eating olives and cheese at one point! Isn't that funny? I've never eaten food like that while running!) a few times, and then when we finished we had some of that pizza, and it was good!

I think that a lot of the strength I've acquired through the years has been from you. You never coddled me. Some people like that, I guess--not me! I really liked being praised when I had gone over and beyond, not just for the usual that you expected from me. I know you always expected excellence from me academically, and for many years, that was easy for me to achieve. What's been harder for me is to extend that excellence into other areas of my life, but you knew from our conversations the past few years that I was really trying to do that, and during and after NothingMan I thought I had really gotten to a special place in my life, and it fucking sucks that you aren't here to witness it. I think you'd notice that your little "Sheel" as you used to always call me, has finally come to terms with herself and is happy in her own skin and is able to give back to others, or at least I'm trying very hard. As much as I miss you, I know other people have far worse troubles than me. My life is pretty good. I know you know that it is a personal choice to choose happiness and to choose to do those things that contribute towards your happiness.

I remember how bemused you were when I first started doing Ironman. You didn't understand why I would do such a thing. There has always been a part of me that thought you wouldn't consider me applying my talents unless I was wearing a white coat in a laboratory! While that is something I could have chosen to do, I didn't. Do you know why? Because I knew that it was important for me to develop many different aspects of myself. The intelligence was just there. I used it to do the school thing, and to carve myself out a fairly decent career. But you know that I have always wanted more. You were pretty upfront with me that the person I chose to marry wasn't a good fit for me. But what you don't know is that at the time, I'm not sure anyone would have been a good fit. Because I was still working on developing those other aspects of myself that I knew I needed to in order to save me from myself. What do I mean by that? I can easily intellectualize everything I see, hear, feel, taste and smell, but I have always had this intense need to let myself "safely" run away with all the attendant emotions. My emotions have always been something to keep put away at a safe distance lest I disturb the force in my life that drives me ever so intensely.

But the thing I learned while training for Ironman is that those emotions are there and need to be let out, and so I began a search, as it were, for a way to allow that to happen while keeping true to my core sense of self. And you know what? I got it! And thank God I did! You know why? Because it prepared me for Mom's death and then yours. And it prepared me for even better things. I think I am finally able to be a good friend to others, and that is something that's extremely important to me. I have the tendency, just like you, to be a loner, but I've known that is something I've needed to bust out of, and I think I've finally succeeded. I am not always good at it, but I am on alert most of the time to not just retreat into my own head.

You probably know this, but up until now, I have not really been in love with anyone. I mean, how could I be, when I couldn't be 100% comfortable with myself and first be just a good friend to others? Don't get me wrong--I am far from anything resembling perfection (and oh yeah--another thing that Ironman is good for is letting go of your perfectionistic tendencies), but I do tend to want to perfect things, and trying to perfect oneself is a losing proposition! So, in getting divorced and subsequently forcing myself to go to pieces before reassembling myself, I found out what's truly important and have strived to focus on that.

What's truly important? Acting with integrity, being a good and true friend, and being true to myself. That's it. I have friends that I really think I can give a lot to, and getting to near closure with your Estate has eased me up tremendously so that I think I can do that. I hope so, at least. And then what happens? Someone pops into my life and I fall in love. How bizarre is that? You'd probably say it was ordained or some other prophetic statement. I think you'd tell me that I really hadn't been ready. God--you were patient with me all the time I was so unsettled! You always told me I'd know when I'd found what I wanted, and you know that while you were alive that that hadn't happened. Well maybe now I have. But I hope it's not a matter of having wanted, because I have been trying to strike overwhelming desire from my vocabulary! Not that desire in and of itself is bad (like all the discussions you and I had on that very topic), but it's almost like we desire to desire, and that is what screws us up.

I'm really sad today, but really happy I could share this with you. I hope that wherever you are (Whiteface Mountain, for one place!) that you can sense me. I know you are still here guiding me, and I don't think that will ever stop. I know you were always proud of me for my academic accomplishments, but now I hope you are proud of me just for being me. I love you.

Getting Ready for PCB

I have so much to do this weekend, in the midst of still having a house that is in a state of disarray--although the downstairs bathroom is almost finished, this AM I discovered that my overhead sewer is malfunctioning again (just got it fixed about a month ago so that plumber is going to show up early Monday and not charge me!!!), so I can't do laundry, which is OK, it can wait until Tuesday, but I need to pack and move stuff around so that when I get home from PCB I can relax for a little bit as my laundry room gets torn up.

I'm packing all my hologram wear for PCB, and you can see it above. I need a dress, too ;) Weather looks a bit cool for the thong on the beach, but I think I can heat things up a bit and YES tan up my ass!

Birthday

Beginning this past Monday, I was dreading my birthday. Why? Because last year at this time, my birthday was the day I was suspecting that my Dad was in bad shape, and in fact, the next day, he was admitted to hospital and you can go back and read all about that, culminating in his death on 11/4/2007.

Sometime yesterday, though, I decided I should do some form of "birthday workouts" to commemorate my 52nd birthday (I know, I know, even I can't believe I'm that old). Initially, I was just going to swim/bike/run each for 52 minutes, since I'm not exactly training lately, and was not up for a mega training day, especially since I'd be working. Then, this morning, I got the bright idea that I'd try and do 52 exercise-related things each for some form of "52," like 52 minutes or 52 repetitions or 52 seconds. I started making a list, and it included the swim/bike/run thing, but also a lot of strength exercises that I typically do, only 52 reps is nearly twice what I usually do.

When I woke up this morning, I felt well-rested, and I had eaten a good dinner last night assuming I'd be working out some today. So I got to it early before heading to the pool. I had wanted to do 52 actual exercises, but after working and doing quite a bit and hitting 30 things, I decided that the remaining 22 would be stretches, lest I be so sore tomorrow that I can't do much of anything! I feel like I wimped out, but it is what it is, and I must be old because I didn't do all 52 things, but I totally enjoyed the day even though the contractors were beginning to put together a new bathroom downstairs and work was a little messy.

This afternoon I received these from Cindy:


Isn't the arrangement beautiful? And it smells really nice. I really love flowers, and was pretty happy to get these. I wish Cindy could make it down to PCB to hang with me cheering for my peeps at IMFL. We'll see...

Anyway, below is what I ended up doing today, listed in order of how I did things. When it says, "52 Pickup" the pic below is what I did. Believe me, picking up the cards after what I had already done was another "thing" to do. But the stretching felt really great!

1. Pushups: 52 (regular style not girlie shit on knees). Not so hard.
   
2. Air Squats: 52. Not so hard. I do more than this in a typical strength workout.
   
3. Crunches on Stability Ball w/12 lb. Medicine ball: 52. Not so hard.
   
4. Side Twisting Crunches w/feet on Stability Ball w/12 lb. Medicine ball: 52. Not so hard--my core is in good shape.
   
5. Single-leg Calf Raises: 52 each leg w/30 lb. dumbbells. Not so hard at all.
   
6. Swim: 52 minutes (2800 yards). Fucking easy.
   
7. Vertical Kicking in Pool: 52 seconds. First time I did it without fins. Not very hard.
   
8. Assisted Pullups: 52 (at various amounts unweighted). This was hard, considering I've only gone as high as 10 in the last 4 weeks. I did a pyramid set starting hard, going to easy and then ending with the last one nearly unweighted, and that one hurt. It was pretty funny to sense people watching me do this many, especially since I was wearing hot pink shorts, a pink shirt and pink shoes. Not my usual gym attire!
   
9. Dead Hang: 52 seconds. Felt good after all those pullups.
   
10. Hanging Leg Raises: 52. Not very hard at all. I like these because they really hit my lower abs.
    
11. Side Bridge: 52 seconds each side. Easy!
    
12. Center Bridge: 52 seconds. Easy!
    
13. Jumping Jacks: 52. Easy!
    
14. Standing Hamstring Curls: 52 each leg (30 at 15 lbs; 22 at 10 lbs.). Not hard; not easy.
    
15. Dumbbell Side Raises: 52 each side (30 at 20 lbs; 22 at 15 lbs). OK by this point my abs are starting to feel it.
    
16. Standing Overhead Triceps Extensions: 52 at 20 lbs. Sort of hard. Triceps were already toasty from the pushups and pullups.
    
17. Standing Triceps Pulldowns: 52 at 25 lbs. More torture for my triceps, and they were feeling it during this bout.
    
18. Run: 52 minutes. Since I hadn't really done much leg work, I was able to run fairly decently, but I did notice my upper body was pretty full of lactic acid (I started at noon). So I'll say this was moderately hard, since I need my upper body to run well. Oh and I was drinking Coke (flat leftover from NothingMan) because I knew I had more to do and could tell I was on the verge of bonking. After I finished this, I drank 1/2 bottle of Endurox R4 and ate a gel before heading out to bike.
    
19. Bike: 52 minutes. Relatively easy. Started about 15 minutes after finishing the run. It got colder and I had a good headwind on the way home.
    
20. Jump Rope: Skip both feet 52 times. Easy. Way back before I ran and just did gay aerobics, I would sometimes jump rope (lots of variations) for an hour straight. I'm sure I could still do that--it's just a matter of acclimating my calves, but other than that, jumping rope is all about core strength, and I have plenty of that!
    
21. Wall Squats w/Stability Ball and Small Ball between Knees: 52. Now I could tell my quads were getting fatigued, but still not too nasty.
    
22. Hyperextensions on Stability Ball: 52. I was wondering how these would feel at this point. Really not bad at all, which is good and means my back is in good shape.
    
23. Reverse Hyperextensions on Stability Ball: 52. Again, I thought my back would start to rebel at this point, but it didn't. YAY!
    
24. Reverse Crunches w/12 lb. Medicine Ball between Knees: 52. These got to be hard. My abs were telling me I'd already done enough, and having to lift my hips up on top of it was not too easy.
    
25. Seated Machine Crunches w/Rope: 52 (30 at 50 lbs.; 22 at 45 lbs.). Um...abs were already toasty by this point, but I got it done.
    
26. Knee Extension on Stability Ball; Thighs on Ball: 52. Pretty easy. More pelvic thrusting!
    
27. Knee Extension on Stability Ball; Ankles on Ball: 52. Still easy; hips are still working quite well.
    
28. Suitcase Crunch w/Legs at 90° Angle on Stability Ball, holding 12 lb. Medicine Ball: 52. Pretty easy although abs are tired.
    
29. Hamstring Curls on Stability Ball: 52. Moderately hard. My hammies were not too happy, even though I hadn't done much to them except curls, run and bike.
    
30. Fifty-two Pickup. This was just plain fun. I had to go find playing cards. Of course, I counted them as I picked them up just to be sure it was a full deck!
    
31. through 52: 22 different stretching exercises for a total of 30 minutes. This felt great, great, GREAT!
    

The Importance of Massage to Me

Last night I went to massage school again, although I did not receive a traditional massage. I had some lymph node work done. It felt good, and I know I needed it, because my girl Courtney was finding all these buildups of crap in my neck and arms. But I still need a massage this week, so I'm going to see if I can get an appointment with my main man, Mike, who owns the school.

If you live in my area and are interested in either getting a top notch massage (sports, or otherwise--visit the website which I've also included in my sidebar), look up Sohmar.

I've been getting regular massage for, oh, almost 10 years now, and can't imagine life without it. I thought I could get by for a little while without, but I find it to be a nice supplement to regular stretching and self body work. I'm sure I'm being repetitive about this, but you can't beat having another person work you over to identify areas that you didn't know needed attention! Mike is a triathlete/runner himself, so he's greatly in tune with athletes' needs.

Massage can be just plain relaxing for those of you who don't engage in regular stretching and/or meditation/relaxation techniques. Plus, it's a known fact that the human body craves touch, and while some people are skittish about having some stranger touch them, trust me, it's a good thing to do because fact is, asking your SO to give you a massage is generally going to lead to something else ;) Not that that's a bad thing, either!

Massage therapists are more than willing to work with people who are modest about taking all their clothes off. Me--I will strip butt naked in front of anyone who's giving me a massage--it just doesn't matter. They've been there, done that, seen that. But if you're a triathlete/runner and you need work on your glutes (and you do), it just works better without the undies, you know?

And here's my personal pitch for guys to shave. Yeah, smoothness helps when getting a massage, on whichever part of your body is getting worked on.

So, in summary, take off, then take it off, then get yourself worked over!

Updates

I've not been blogging much lately. Why? Watch the video...been trying to have some semblance of a normal life while having my house upgraded. Bathroom remodeling begins tomorrow. I'm glad to have a work day free of contractors! I get a massage tonight! I had a wonderful weekend! I even managed to do a (nearly) Olympic distance NothingMan last Thursday, which I am calling GhettoMan. Even though I've been stressed out and tired, GhettoMan gave me hope that I can be up for a 1/2 NothingMan in November. I'm excited about going to Panama City Beach next week to be with some great people--Shelley, Brett, Forrest & Regina (rode bikes in their hood a few years back), then I hope to have a girl's weekend at my pad (with the new zebra carpet!), remodeling will be finished (until next year, anyway), and then some R&R at the homestead followed by a trip to Orlando (business) 2nd week of December, which I may extend either to race or just train in (hopefully) good weather. Sheesh--by that point I should be back in "regular" training, which means

CRACKHEAD FUCKING LIVES!!!

Time is indeed precious, and I'm trying not to waste any. I will seek to control the things I can and let go of those I can't, and will do my best to be in the here and now. I like being timed, but I also like not being timed. Either way, time is precious. Apologies for the acid flashback, but I really liked Journey once upon a time, and am finding I still like them. I like big guitars, and I like certain chords, I like melodic music, and Journey has all that, plus I can sing along in Steve Perry's key!

Time is precious!

Weekly Workout Totals 10/06/2008-10/12/2008 and House in Order

I can't believe that I got as much "training" done as I did. Every day was like this:

• wake up really early because I know I have so much to do
• move stuff around, cleaning as I go, before contractors arrive
• work
• try and get in a workout or two
• move stuff around, cleaning as I go after contractors are gone
• eat something while standing up and looking around for more stuff to do
• keep moving stuff around until I pass out

But today, the last 2 rooms are being painted, and I had time this weekend to put my living room and dining room back together. In the process, I touched every surface, taking time to oil all the wood, clean all the glass, and take apart the 2 chandeliers (which will be reassembled today after the brass chains are replaced). As stressful as all of this has been (I have 5 more weeks before the 2 bathrooms are remodeled), I'm glad I'm getting this all done. My house has not been cleaner!

I'm really happy with the new pink color of the living and dining rooms. It's a bit brighter than what I had before:























isn't that walnut wood beautiful?

Yesterday, after I had all the wood polished and table top glass cleaned, I figured I had better hold a brief cleansing ceremony before I began putting things on the shelves. It made me feel like I'd come full circle, being in a point in my life where my parents are gone, my house is almost brand new, I've tossed out all sorts of things, and my life is absolutely great! I found it funny that as I put things back onto the shelves and noticed how much space there was that I couldn't even remember what I had thrown out! I do notice the walls that are now bare where I decided the art work was no longer to my taste, and besides the room looks much cleaner. Below are the cleansing ceremony pics:




























































I found zebra carpeting (click on the link to see it installed--I am so excited!) that I am going to attempt to order today. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that they can make the area rug that I want, and that is really going to make the living room look great. Of course, once it's in, I will probably decide other things need to go, but I'm OK with that. When you bring new things into your life, you need to let go of some others--that's just the way it is--you can't have everything!

Interesting that twice this week while running I heard this:


Anyway, here's what I got done last week. Not much sleep, but that is correcting itself already as of today, and I should be able to find time to stretch daily. Also, my prison workouts begin today! This is going to be an awesome week!

Weekly Workout Totals	10/06/2008-10/12/2008 This week's totals are sponsored by home improvement
Swim:	6800 yards (3.86 miles) in 2.4 hours; 19% of weekly workout time; approx. 841 calories burned Canadian: 6217.92 meters
Bike:	Approx. 100.34 miles in 5.73 hours; 45% of weekly workout time; approx. 2581 calories burned; Total TSS=369 Canadian: 161.48 kilometers
Run:	Approx. 24.5 miles in 3.67 hours; 29% of weekly workout time; approx. 1661 calories burned Canadian: 39.43 kilometers
Strength:	0.83 hours; 7% of weekly workout time; approx. 208 calories burned
All Sports:	Approx. 128.7 miles in 12.63 hours; approx. 5291 calories burned Canadian: 207.12 kilometers
Sleep:	6.71 hours avg./night
Stretching:	0.47 hours. Massage: 1.25 hours

Blast from the Past

In taking everything off the shelves in my home office, I came across a folder that my Mom gave me years ago containing schoolwork of mine when I was really young. I will need to go through it all in detail now, but here's something I wrote on some June 2 for English class. My guess is I wrote this in first or second grade. My younger sister is 4 years younger than me. I was constantly sitting her down in front of a magnetic white board and playing school with her before she was even in school. I loved school myself, and I wanted her to love it as much as I did.

Once I tried to teach my little sister who learns the wrong way. She uses purple for faces. I taught her to use peach. One day she used purple. She must have learned or heard wrong. When I had taught her a few things, she thought she could start teaching. So she did. In learning about colors she didn't remember very well. One of the pupils said, "I think Lisa has taught me wrong. I think I have learned the wrong things. I'm positive I am learning the wrong things. The other pupils said that she teaches wrong." I said I knew what was wrong. I told her that Lisa doesn't remember well. So she made you learn wrong. She knew she didn't know everything. So I told her to try not to teach unless she was absolutely sure she was smart enough.

More Notes to Self

I'm now beginning to get ready for the interior painting of my house, which means I will need to empty out closets and the larger shelves, and take everything off the walls. In going through one stash area, I found something that I'm not sure why I kept. It's a small dry erase board that I got from some race somewhere, I have no idea when. It folds in two, and is intended to hold emergency phone numbers, and then it has a "Things to Do" page.

Below, reprinted for your pleasure, are my Things to Do as of November, 2004. I have left out the 3 items that were triathlon related, since they just had to do with some time goals. The list is in order that I wrote them down. I think I sort of had a plan back then, and since that time, many aspects of my life may have changed, but it's still a good list, I think. I suppose I could have written down things like places I want to travel and races I want to do, but I can sort of remember the day I put this together, and this is what I came up with:

1. Find and keep a mate
2. Be my best
3. Think about retirement
4. Stay employed 5 years
5. Be in the moment at work
6. Do a good job
7. Remember what's important
8. Be a better friend
9. Stay strong in the face of adversity
10. Become more self-aware
11. Let go of attachments
12. Surrender

I guess at the time I wrote this down I had a 5-year plan to be ready to retire (yes, it's an early one!), which means just switching gears from a full-time job that pays the bills to something else that I'd really like to do and maybe also moving or at least figuring out where I want to live the next 20 years or so. Or, I could rephrase it to, "If I could do anything I wanted and could get paid decently for it, what would it be?" So I'll leave #3 on there.

Everything else looks pretty good to me. I find it funny that this "Things to Do" list is so reflective of what I now consider important in my life.

This getting my house ready to be painted is becoming emotional. When I pick something up and really look at it and touch it and remember when I got it and what was going on in my life and then decide whether I want to keep it, put it off to the side or toss it, it makes for some thinking. I remember being young and single and carefree and not owning a lot of stuff. Now, I'm no longer young, not as carefree and have a ton of crap! But a lot of it is good crap, you know? Still, I think I will be eliminating a bunch of things. It's good to touch, think, remember, honor the feelings, and then move on. As hard as this is, I know it's the right thing to be doing right now.

Tiki Hut Remodeling!!!!!

Since I'm having quite a bit of work done in my house, I figured I should start on a remodeling project at the Tiki Hut. It's been awhile since the girls (and the one guy) have been able to play, so since they are going to need to relocate for a few weeks, I thought they better get some action first. Interesting choices they made, don't you think?

Luckily, I bought a new camera yesterday, because my other one was acting flaky since July, and as of this morning, it's completely dead. The new camera is easy to use, and I'm dying to try out its video feature.

I'm not posting my "weakly" workout totals, since I didn't get much done last week, but that's OK. I've given in to the fact that all this moving stuff around, shopping for home improvement stuff and relaxing afterwards is what I should be doing right now. I'll get back to serious training soon enough.

And oh, by the way, that 50K race in Chicago is O-U-T!!! I'll be in Panama City Beach, Florida, cheering on Shelley and Brett and replenishing my tan! No doubt I'll get in some running while I'm down there, but the date I'm putting on my calendar as the "official" start of training is December 1. Whatever I get done between now and then is fine with me.