Cautiously Optimistic

So I established my training metrics (VDOT for running and FT for the bike; haven't done a swim test yet) based on how I did in the 1/2 NothingMan a week ago (is it really just a week ago?).  So this past week I had an opportunity to begin dialing in the run and bike zones to see how they feel and figure out if I'm calibrated properly (I am also inflicting this on Brad the Mongoose). Every single training session now, with the exception of a workout described as easy or as you feel (note there aren't too many of those!) is an opportunity to test whether I'm on track, falling back or getting faster.

Up until 7/29, I'd been putting in the training volume, but not doing structured workouts.  Those days are gone, and now I'm back to what I was doing in 2010 and earlier, which I know to be extremely speed, endurance and HTFU-producing, although typically by this point in an Ironman training cycle, I would have done a bunch of speed stuff for 3 or 4 months in the lead-up, but I digress.

I spent from July, 2012 to July, 2013 just fucking running (JFR), just fucking riding (also JFR), and swimming 2-3x/week (random swim workouts). I wasn't training for anything, and I wasn't feeling right, so I did a lot of really slow sessions on the bike and run.  No particular workouts, just the amount of time I felt appropriate. "Not training" for me meant I was averaging around 12 hours of working out per week.  That might not sound like much, but you do that every week in a year and it comes to 600+ training hours!  But for me, having been averaging 15-16 hours per week for 4 years straight, 12 hours was actually a light load.

A few people have said to me that perhaps the reason I'm feeling so good right now is that I got some "rest."  Well, yes, I did need rest, and I suppose it took catastrophic mind/body meltdown to get me to do it.  I'd been saying I was going to take a break, I was going to step away from Ironman (and further), I was going to ease back, but I never did from 2001-2012.  So yes, the rest was needed and may be playing a huge part in how I feel right now.

And how is that?  Based on just 2 weeks worth of metrics, it would appear that I am at least as fast as I was in 2009, and I may even have a shot at being faster!  I am cautiously optimistic, since 2 weeks worth of data does not an Ironman prediction make, but so far, so good.

On Saturday I did my first tempo run in ages.  My Zone 4 (threshold) training pace was to be 8:44, but when I did the workout and the first 10' of Z4 I came in at 8:19, and it felt FUCKING FANTASTIC! I ran easy for 5' and was at another mile marker to begin another 10' of Z4.  I actually thought I was dialing it back, as this included running up most of a 1-mile hill that is pretty hefty in elevation. Well, I came in at 8:19 again. I was like maybe this is a fluke and I will be trashed after this, because that pace is actually what my 5K pace should be right now. 

Well I wasn't trashed after that and went and did a 1-hour pretty hard ride, and THAT went well and I was able to hit the %'s of FT pretty much dead on.  And then I swam 1200 yards super easy (at that point I was tired!), so effectively I got in a reverse sprint-ish NothingMan on Saturday.

Now the real test would come yesterday.  I was going to do the Rotary Ride, which is an organized metric century, so 62 miles.  My plan was to get in 100+ miles of riding, and when I arrived at the start, I looked at the map and figured the best thing would be to do the full 62 and then repeat the 41-mile option. I stuck to my intended workout plan, which was 1 hour Z1, 30' Z3, 40' Z4, 10' Z1, 20' FT (Z5), 20' Z3, and then the rest Z1/Z2 as I felt.  I ended up riding 111 miles in 6:08, and my normalized power for the entire ride was smack in the middle of Z2, which is Ironman pace!  The ride had about 3500 ft. of climbing, so this was a fairly good indicator ride, and I feel great this morning, so it feels like I have my FT about right for now, but it may have some room for improvement!

This coming Sunday I'm riding the Bike Psychos 200k, and I would feel good if I can do that at average 18mph, which is the fastest I've ever done it.  It's a beautiful ride that passes through several of the Illinois State Parks that are along the Illinois River, so there are plenty of hills and usually a good dose of wind and heat.  One year I did the ride, it ended up being 131 miles, which normally I LOVE the extra miles, cuz you know, I paid to do the ride, so I'm getting my money's worth, right?  But that year, I don't think many of us were too happy with the extra miles, but we did them anyway.  I mean WTF are you supposed to do when you have 16 miles to get back to your car?

This week I also begin progressive long runs that start out easy and end with Z4 stuff, and the day before is a tempo run.  So here comes the REAL training now, and I'm actually excited about it!  Honestly, if I am even as fast as I was in 2009, that would be cool with me, and if I end up faster, gravy!  Hell, I'm 56, and most days I am amazed that I can even do this shit, you know?  There aren't many women that make it to their 50's and keep doing Ironman--menopause does a number on us, and then I guess many ladies would rather do other things, which is cool.  But I only started this shit when I was the ripe age of 44 (began running at 42), so in triathlon years, I am actually somewhat of a baby.  The other gals in my age group that I know are brutally strong, too, because you don't get here without being that way. 

I've been pinching myself and brought myself to tears a few times in the last few weeks over how great I feel, and I have such gratitude for RIGHT NOW.  All of this might come crashing down, but for now, life is pretty great, and I'm going to ride the high tide as long as I can!

You know for the period of time I was not writing to this blog, I'd been thinking that I wasn't going to ever bring it back.  You know why?  Because I thought that I didn't want anyone new that I met to go and read it and think I was some sort of whacked out psycho chic.  But you know what?  Maybe that is part of what I am and maybe now I'm OK with it. Only I sincerely hope that people are able to recognize the other parts of me that are actually subdued and mellow.  I've always had that; it's just that unless people are willing to look under the hood and engage me in things outside of triathlon, they would never know. 

While I was riding yesterday, I spotted a bald eagle in a pine tree about 1/2 mile from the road I was on (Ashley).  I don't think anyone else on the ride yesterday saw it--I told one of the SAG drivers, and when I saw him later, he said he missed the eagle.  I rode by a couple of goats, and I bleated to them and they answered my call. I once again had the song "Bernadette" by the Four Tops playing in my head when I saw the sign for Bernadette Road off of High Point.  I let other people touch Skull Kingdom, and one of the volunteers even picked her up (with appropriate care) to let some novices feel how lightweight she is.  I'm mentoring one athlete (Maz) and coaching another (Brad). I'm enjoying my flower gardens now more than I think I ever have, I'm making time regularly for friends near (and far via phone) and trying to schedule some amount of "regular life" (i.e., movies, walks, a bit of entertaining). It feels good now--while I was training for Ultraman Canada, it was a huge grind, and I don't know if I want to do that kind of training again--but Ironman training?  Well, I guess I've figured out how to do it and have some sort of life outside it, even though I know that in a few weeks, extracurricular activities will be squeezed out.  But you know what?  I've even told some friends about it, and they are happy to see me at it again, even though they know it will cut into their time with me.  I think they've figured out just how much I love doing this.

I'm going to try and stay balanced, but for now, I'm cautiously optimistic that this is the good times with more to come!

The Snake and the Mongoose

Brad is a friend of mine who is all of 26 years old that I met in 2009 when we were both training for IMLP.  Since that time, we both ran Goofy Challenge (some of it together), and I've gone to IMFL and IMWI to support Brad.  Brad and his wife, Morgan, had volunteered to crew for me last year in Ultraman Hawaii, but as we know, that race didn't happen for me.  Brad changed jobs a few months ago and now works for Hershey's (yes, CANDY!), and he told me about that change in February, along with inviting me to come along to IMCOZ.  In March, I said I'd get in touch, but I didn't, because I still wasn't feeling right.

Fast forward to July, and I go and check and see that IMCOZ is still open for registration, I get in touch with Brad about obtaining candy (how selfish of me) since I am starting to train again, but not really for anything in particular, decide we should catch up on the phone, and well, here I am training for IMCOZ and coaching Brad.  Brad will qualify for Kona in another year or so as long as he listens to me!

What does this have to do with a snake and a mongoose?  Well the mongoose thing goes back to when Brad and I were driving to IMLP in 2009 and he saw an animal on the side of the road and said he thought it was a mongoose.  Long story short, we have a running joke about mongooses, I bought a stuffed mongoose for Brad a few years ago, and that animal (recently named Chico) now goes to IM races.  Chico will definitely be going to IMCOZ.

The snake thing is in reference to one of the mongoose's favorite (?) foods--the cobra.  I assessed a penalty to Brad during his NothingMan last Saturday for using an elevator, and he presented me with an appeal: 

So I guess this means *I* am the cobra.

Brad and I text stuff about mongooses back and forth randomly, so today I went to Google News and searched for "mongoose" and I find this link to a review of a new movie called "The Snake and the Mongoose."  One of the lines from the review is: "Snake and Mongoose is a film about the intersection of commerce and passion, about the struggles of chasing a dream, and it's also about a friendship that spans decades."  WTF?  

• Commerce is the candy that seemed to be a trigger for us to get back in touch
• Passion is our mutual passion for IM training and racing
• Chasing a dream well that would be Brad trying to qualify for Kona
• Friendship that spans decades?  Yep!  26 to 56, I'd call that a few decades!
   

This seems like some sort of omen to me.  Or just an extremely happy coincidence!  I plan on going to see the movie when it's in my area.  Should be awesome!  Seems like the universe has some sort of plan here.

Truth in Advertising

So I was looking through old blog posts and ran across the one from 2009 Revenge of the Pirateman that had a link to pics.  I pulled them up and wondered how far off the physique I had then I am now, so I took some shots this morning so YOU can stare and compare.  Weight wise, I'm about 3 lbs. up from the 2009 shots, and I'm guessing a couple of points of bodyfat.  But what the hell is up with my legs???  I look like super fatty.  Well, I am feeling strong, and I DO have 14 weeks to get in better shape.  Oh yeah, I got my head shaved last night because I couldn't stand all the hair in the heat.  Don't worry, it will grow back this winter!

I have been doing boatloads of lunges and squats for the past year, so it's possible my legs are just more muscular now.  My legs usually slim down a bit once my biking volume picks up, and I'm just doing that now, so maybe there's hope for my fat legs and butt.  In terms of how my clothes fit, I'm fitting pretty well into my size 1/2 (REAL vintage size 1/2; not what passes for a size 2 now which drowns me) pants, even my thighs, but they could fit better.  Fat has come off my abs in the last 4 weeks, so maybe the fat loss is just working its way down.  Just 4 weeks ago I had this poochy thing going in my belly that is almost completely gone now. 

I don't do this for vanity reasons; but I do know that how my physique looks correlates to my triathlon performance.  I'm not aiming for 10% bodyfat or whatever I was in 2009--12% would be fine ;) And no I don't have an eating disorder--I am eating lots and lots of food, and even though I joke about Pringles and Twinkies and candy, they only get in my mouth after I've had all of my good calories for the day, and at most I'm adding 200 calories of that stuff per day. 

Now before you say how obsessed I am with how I look, consider that it's just a BYPRODUCT of the diet and exercise, and not the goal. If it were the goal, I'd revert to what I used to do before I took up endurance sports--bodybuilding. 

2009: Back of the Crack Suit. Weight 109 lbs.

2009: Front of the Crack Suit

2013: Back of the Crack Suit--Fatty! Weight: 112 lbs.

2013: Front of the Crack Suit

I Like to Watch

That's John on the left, a little Crackhead in the center and Maz on the right

On Sunday, I'd agreed to drive to my friend Mark's (aka Maz) house with Clipless Fuck (my MTB's name in case you are new to my blog) inside so we could ride together (such as it is since Maz has a BMC Time Machine) to the Naperville sprint tri.  Maz was competing (as was John, who I will appropriate as my friend now, too, since I've gone riding with him) despite a lingering foot injury that has knocked him out of running for quite some time. I am Maz's triathlon mentor, although he calls me his "tri Mom," even though I am NOT old enough to be his mother!  It's more like he's my younger brother, but I digress.

Maz tried to dissuade me from showing up for a few reasons:

1. I'd have done a 1/2 NothingMan the day before and might not want to wake up at 0 dark thirty to watch someone else race
2. He didn't want me to watch him suck on the run
3. He claims he won't talk to anyone on a race day (aka "game face"), so I'd be yakking to myself.

Well, I called him Sunday when I was 33 miles into my NothingMan ride and told him I'd show up with CF in tow and we would ride to the race together and I would hang out and do god knows what--Sunday was a scheduled rest day for me so what the fuck else would I be doing?  I was actually pretty excited Sunday morning, and it felt like I was getting ready for another race.  I packed my running shoes, because for some reason I thought I'd change into them and run around.  That would have been a bad idea.  I also brought a bottle of water and my camera.

I get to Maz's house and he is smiling! 

Now, Maz is generally not a surly human being, but with all the crap he's been through with his injury and rehab, he hasn't exactly been the most pleasant person to be around, and yet I've continued to pester him about this and that.  And believe it or not, it was ME who told him he should do this race in order to boost his spirits.  It was also ME who got after him when he was racing all the time and I told him he'd end up injured, but back then he was a medal whore and I couldn't get through to him.

We rode to the race together and I wish there were pics of me on CF next to Maz on the BMC.  Of course, I had to pedal like crazy to try and keep up with him barely spinning his pedals, but I did the best I could.

I am not sure who was talking the most on that short ride. Maz had told me it was about 1.5 miles, but it was actually 2.2, and I pointed this out to him since I really didn't need any exercise at that point. 

Maz went into transition, and then I didn't see him until he came out of the water, at which point I started the timer on my watch since I knew about how long it would take him to do the bike.  I had already snapped a bunch of pics (they are all on Facebook) of various people in transition and coming out of the swim, and of course I enjoyed myself yelling at them.  My favorite was a young man (I'm guessing 19) in a really cute Speedo and as he came out of the water I yelled, "GOOD JOB SEXY MAN!"  This, of course, got his attention and a big smile on his face.

Next I hung out at the bike in and got a bunch of pics and recognized a few people I know.  I kept getting asked why I wasn't racing, seeing as how I'd worn an IMLP windbreaker and had my Kona sling bag on.  I could have done the race, but I would be in a big, huge overtraining hole right about now.

Luckily, I got Maz coming back into transition, and then I was like shit I need to hustle to get him at the run out.  Which I did, and I don't know what he was thinking about what I would be doing at the race, but my intent was to follow him on the run as much as possible and deliver words of "encouragement."  By encouragement, I mean, for example, "You know the drill. Harden the Fuck Up!"  I picked on a few racers who were slacking and spotted some other people I know and snapped pics while riding the bike!  I was pretty pleased with myself at my ability to ride and shoot and not fall off the bike and not get hit by a car, because parts of the run course were cordoned off with traffic cones so cars could get by and I had to keep checking where the fuck I was supposed to ride, because I didn't want to interfere with the racers.

At one point, I heard Maz yell out to John, and I knew who it was, so I looped back to get some pics of him.  I believe John was both surprised and alarmed to see me.  We haven't known each other very long, but I'm pretty sure John knows I don't suffer slacking from people.  He told me after the race that he had wanted to walk at that point but couldn't because there I was during his final push.

The finish chute was such that I couldn't ride to the end of the run course, and I missed Maz coming into the finish.  Fuck.  Oh well, I snapped a few pics of others finishing and enjoyed yelling at people to pick it up for the final sprint.

I located Maz in transition and asked him what he wanted to do, and we decided to hang out in the finisher area for a bit.  I told Maz I was starving and could he get me something to eat?  There had been food for sale before the race began, but I was too busy taking pics and getting excited for everyone.  I did manage to make time to pee in a bush, however.  I also ended up peeing next to some trees about 1 mile into the run course and didn't care if anyone saw.

Maz brought me 4 fun-size Snickers bars.  I am sure my face lit up and my mouth probably opened up as big as the Grand Canyon to eat the first one.  Then the second.  I didn't honestly think I'd eat all 4, but yep, I did and was still hungry.  John came by and we got some more snaps, also Jason.

Jason, John and Maz

Maz and I rode back to his house, we chatted for a bit, and then I drove home to begin my REAL refueling from Saturday's NothingMan.  I was tired (I ended up biking 12 miles WTF I could have just done the stupid race), and relaxed and uploaded almost 80 pics and Facebook was all abuzz with people reporting in and many people I don't even know tagged themselves.  I didn't really see professional race photogs, so I guess I did my part in capturing people!  And yelling at them!

I enjoyed the day so much and now I am looking forward to Ironman Wisconsin.  I'll be going up and getting in some training, but also hanging out and doing my professional spectating role.  I know at least 10 people racing, and there are probably another 10 or 15 that I just haven't identified in the participant list.  Only 4 weeks to go!  Typically people spot me when I just hang out at a race--I guess the Crackhead is fairly recognizable.  But I will try and have some surprises in store on race day because that makes it more fun for me, other spectators AND the racers.  So when someone asks me if I am volunteering, I say, "Technically, no, but let's just say I'm a personal volunteer for special people."  I haven't been up to Wisconsin since 2011.  I'm getting my piece of crap car all tuned up and turns out I need new tires, but oh well, it has to be done.

So remember, if you can't race, GO WATCH!!!

MagnetMan 1/2 NothingMan Race Report

Pics are here.

My friend Brad, whom I met in 2009 and we traveled to Ironman Lake Placid together, is now my coachee.  He is the person who helped convince me to register for IMCOZ, and he asked me for my training plan (that I drew up myself).  There are very few people who I would just hand over a training plan to because 1) I wouldn't want responsibility for them killing themselves and 2) it takes some time for me to put one together and sometimes that effort should be paid for.  Brad has done me a number of good deeds, so I sent it to him with a "good luck" and "call if you want to discuss."  So we had a long chat I think on Wednesday night, and I know what Brad is capable of, so he basically signed on to do the same training as me through IMCOZ.  Actually the first words out of his mouth were something like, "So I'm supposed to do a 1/2 NothingMan on Saturday???"  Yes, that's right.  We need to gauge where our fitness is and get in a long workout. So Brad (who lives north of Dallas, TX) and I would be doing our NothingMan's at the same time. Somehow I thought this would increase our accountability to ourselves and make it more fun.

I had all my bottles fixed on Friday night, and ate a huge dinner of pasta and chicken that was leftover from when another friend was here and I made us dinner last Saturday.  It was good!  I set my alarm for what I thought was 5:00AM, but as it turns out I'd set it for 5:00PM, but no worries, I woke at 4AM on my own, and I had just had the best night's sleep I've had in 2 weeks.  I don't know if this is because of the thyroid meds or because I just really needed to race!

I took my thyroid pill and waited 1/2 hour to eat my usual breakfast of a toasted English muffin with some jam and a hardboiled egg, together with several cups of coffee.  About a 1/2 hour after that I drank down 300 calories of Ultrafuel, loaded Skull Kingdom into the car along with bike and run clothes, loaded cooler and headed to the Y to swim.

NothingMan (where the distances are arbitrary and your time doesn't matter) is not picky about exact distances, so I decided I'd swim 2500 yards because I couldn't remember what the hell a 1/2 Ironman swim is.  I took a can of Coke onto the swim deck, popped the top (I LOVE that sound), took a swig, and got in.  I hit my watch at 6:50AM and jumped in and got going.  It seemed that the swim was over in a flash.  It's been over a year since I swam that much continuously, but I knew it would be easy because, come on I've done a bunch of REALLY long swims. I tried not to think about anything but swimming, as I had the day's events pretty well covered.  When I finished, I hit my watch and didn't look at the split.  I got out of the pool and a man in the next lane asked if I was finished, and I said yes.  He asked if I did triathlons, I guess because I decided to wear a swim cap from Florida Half Ironman (inaugural!).  I said yes, and proceeded to the showers.  My swim time was :47 for 2500 yards.

I had decided earlier that I'd put on sunscreen AFTER I swam, which is allowable in a NothingMan.  So I took my time, and recruited another woman to get my upper back really well.

I had a text from Brad that he was done with his swim (he started before I did), and I just decided to call him.  We were rambling and the call dropped.  I redialed him and asked who dropped the call.  He said, "I was in an elevator."  I about lost it and said, "There are NO elevators in NothingMan!  5-minute penalty!"  We had a great laugh over this.

T1 was nearly an hour, since I had to drive to Fermilab, where I was going to do my ride. I finished a can of Coke on the way there, and had (2) 1.5 hour bottles of my custom Infinit plus 3 bottles of water (it was warm) for my ride.  I sort of wanted to do 60 miles, because who made up 56 as a distance?  I don't know.  So I headed out, and at my first time at the West Gate, I asked the guard if I could go see the Muon g-2 magnet.  She said it was "over there," and I took that to mean off A-1 road.  I was so excited to see the thing that had taken so long to get here. 

When I got to the magnet, it was awesome, but I had to pee, so I peed not 10 feet from it!  I figured the NSA had a camera on me but I didn't care, and I snapped a bunch of pics there.  I kept riding and was having a great time with my aerohelmet on.  On another pass of the West Gate, when I was nearly to Kirk Road I saw a group of 15-20 road cyclists coming in.  They were about 1/2 mile ahead of me, but I figured I could catch them.  I did, but then I wanted to get through them and yelled ON YOUR LEFT twice, ON YOUR RIGHT once, and then I just finally screamed LET ME THROUGH YOU ARE TAKING UP THE ENTIRE ROAD.  They were riding 4 abreast, and not very fast.  One chic got pissed and said SO GO ON.  And I did and was past them in a hurry.

On another pass of A-1 road, I saw 2 cyclists going toward the magnet, so I rode up on them and asked if they were going to see it.  They said yes, so I asked if they'd mind taking some pics of me with it (I am such a geek!).  They said sure, and I rode ahead and we chatted and got some good pics there.

I think my first "loop" was 33 miles and then I returned to my car, which was parked just outside the East Gate, because there was a blockade up when I first got there around 8:30.  Going back out, though, the blockade was gone, which was great.

When I got back to my car, I decided to call my friend Maz, since I had a bright idea about driving to his house for his sprint tri today, and asked if we could drive together from there.  See, he wasn't even going to do the race, then he didn't want me to go, but I decided what else would I be doing Sunday, so I offered my idea.  He said he was riding his bike to the race, so I said I'd load my MTB into my car and be at his house at 5:30, but if I didn't make it by then he should just go on.  I was glad we settled that!

I ate a piece of string cheese and drank more water, put a fun size Payday into my Bento box, loaded new bottles, and headed back into Fermilab for my second lap.  I ditched the camera, because I had the pics I needed, and I didn't want to spend any more time taking pics.

I ended up at 61.8 miles on the bike (in 3:20 riding time) which was perfect.  I loaded Skull Kingdom into the car, and changed into my run clothes and shoes right in front of someone's house!  Oh well, what are you going to do...

I drove home and on the way there I drank another bottle of water, ate a handful of Pringles, and some jelly candies.  I got home, dumped the bike and clothes bag and cooler, made a new cooler for my run, grabbed my iPod, took the cooler outside and began my run.

My run consisted of 12 laps around the "big block" from my house, and each lap is 1.15 miles, so a total of 13.8 miles.  After each lap, I would grab some fluids (and sometimes salt tablets) from my cooler and get back out.  I didn't time my fluid stops--just the pure running time, and it was 2:11.37, or 9:32/mile, which wasn't bad.  I "tried" to run 10mpm, but guess it didn't work out that way!  I really, REALLY wanted to quit after 8 laps, and that's a typical sensation in a NothingMan because there are no spectators, no other athletes, it's just you in your own head.  But I persevered, and on the last lap I was a tiny bit sad it was going to be over!  But I was glad to finish, and I really didn't feel bad at all.  On the run, I went through 2 cans of Coke, 2 bottles of water, 12 oz. of Gatorade and 4 salt tablets.  It was pretty warm (low 80's), but I didn't feel too scuzzy when I was done.

Of course once I'd showered and drank Endurox R4 and a beer, I uploaded all my pics, and got ready for dinner.  I went to Dell Rhea's Chicken Basket, as I'd been craving that for months! 

First I ordered a big Weiss beer.  Next they brought me biscuits and butter, and I headed to the salad bar and got a cup of the best chicken dumpling soup, and a plate of coleslaw, kidney bean salad, garbanzo bean salad, and covered it all with chopped hardboiled eggs and bacon bits!  I practically inhaled the soup, then laid into 2 biscuits with butter and honey, then polished off the salads, of course sprinkled liberally with salt.  Then the waitress (who remembered me from my past trips there) brought my chicken dinner, and I was like oh, those mashed potatoes!  So I drowned them in the gravy and inhaled them all, then I ate about 1/2 the green beans, and then started in on the chicken.  I ate maybe 2 oz. of chicken was all, and got a to go box.  I just now finished off the rest of the chicken and 2 biscuits.  Yum!  The spoils of racing!

I spoke with Brad today, and he had a great first NothingMan!  I didn't get his swim time, but he rode 53 or so miles in 2:40 and ran 13.1 in 2:14 (on a treadmill, since it's over 100 degrees where he is).  We shared notes about pacing, mental state and nutrition, and pumped each other up over our imminent training for IMCOZ.  It will be great for me to have someone else doing what I'm doing (Brad is 26, don't worry he can take it) so we can compare notes, plus I will monitor Brad's performance from training metrics.  So tons of fun!

Well now I am hungry again.  I went to the Naperville Sprint Triathlon to watch/harass my friend Maz, and only had my usual breakfast until he was done.  He brought me 4 mini Snickers bars which I polished off and then held off on lunch until about 11:30 when I got home, at which point I started in on the leftover chicken and biscuits, but that's gone now, so time to eat!

Hope everyone's weekend was great!

I Think I Got My Triathlete Card Back Today!

So tomorrow is a 1/2 NothingMan, and I've done a 2-week run taper and a 2-day bike/swim crash taper for it.  This morning I did a 1600 yd. swim, then a long transition (shower/shave), then :30 on the bike, quick transition, then a :20 run.  So I did a Sprint NothingMan! I did it all at the Y to avoid excess transition time and besides the road just outside it is still under construction.  The juices were flowing, and I felt like I was racing.  Everything felt effortless, and this after I about broke down crying earlier today because I couldn't believe how good (physically and mentally) I felt.  I haven't felt this good in a few years.  I wanted to push it this morning, but restricted myself to short bouts of that, because I do have this other thing to do tomorrow...

Yesterday I tried out my new aerohelmet that I bought over a year ago and never, ever wore on a ride.  I hadn't earned the right to wear it.  I went out on Skull Kingdom, and was flying--the helmet is da bomb--but realized that it wasn't exactly safe to wear around the neighborhoods because I couldn't turn my head to look behind, so I went home after :20 and changed into a regular helmet for safety, and also because I looked like an incredible dork or else maybe I looked scary.  I mean, I'm on a bike covered with skulls, I'm wearing this pointy helmet that has scary skull stickers on it, and I'm all hunkered down in the aerobars.  But it felt really cool.

Is this the SHIT or what???

I was happy to do the little sprint thing today and even thought that if I had entered the Naperville Sprint that is this Sunday, that I might actually do pretty well at it.  Time was in 2004 that I won my AG and had the fastest women's bike split OVER ALL.  That was good times.  It was one week before Ironman Canada and I was feeling great.  I am not quite that cut (yet) but feel like I might have a shot at getting close to that body comp and speed again.  Or not.

This is me in 2004 Naperville Sprint

Speaking of my body, I can tell that I must be dialed in on the thyroid meds.  In just the last few weeks, I've shed some bodyfat and fit perfectly into some of my "Ironman week" clothes, when I am typically hyper fit and hyper lean.  And I've been eating like it's going out of style!  Heart rate seems fine, though, so I'm most likely not turning hyPERthyroid.  It's been so long since I've been so hyped up about NOTHING, and yet I can remember that I have felt this way in the past.

So tonight, I will sleep on my NothingBed, whereupon I finally put on the skull duvet cover that I have had for over a year, but never used, because I wasn't doing anything!

I'm a triathlete again!  Fuckin' A!

Compassion

I am coming out another period of hurting--both physically and mentally.  I hurt mentally for most of 2006 after Mom died, then part of 2007, all of 2008 and the beginning of 2009 after Dad died and I was Executor.  I managed to remain free of serious hurt until 2010, but that was just for a few months when my right foot went south prior to Ultraman Canada.  Then I had a reprieve on physical pain until fall 2010, and that spell lasted through fall of 2011.  I had a blissful 8 months of thinking I'd be good to go for Ultraman Hawaii, and then the bottom dropped out until recently.

I don't consider myself an expert on weathering shit, but I've had enough of it to know that things usually DO get better.  But I also know how difficult it is to believe that, and to even approach losing hope when in the thick of it.  And I also know how distorted thinking can warp my sense of reality.  How can I go from feeling like I'm on Cloud 9 to the dregs on the bottom of Montrose Harbor on Lake Michigan?  Some of that is driven by the exceedingly high expectations I have for myself, and if you search back in time on this blog, you will be frighteningly attuned to that. The higher you expect on average, the more I think you tend to hurt when you fall.

Each time I've fallen, I've asked the universe, "Why ME, why NOW, why does this feel worse than any other time?"  The why ME I can rationalize quite well--after all, there are many people with far worse problems than I have or have had.  Death is a part of life.  So none of us gets to escape that. Injury is a part of the game of endurance.  I pretty much always have something that physically isn't quite right.  The why NOW part is either out of my control (death, illness, aging and many accidents tend to be like that) or I did it to myself only didn't know it because it was a gradual process with a seemingly acute onset. I am still learning not to sweat the why NOW part if the cause is out of my control.

If the issue was self-inflicted, well then luckily I have this blind spot for that at times.  By blind spot, I mean not BELIEVING it's self-inflicted when it actually is. This helps me to mobilize my efforts to at least heal myself and maybe learn from my own mistakes.

The feeling of each new incident being worse than anything before is what puzzles me at times.  I don't really know if I actually DO feel worse than I ever have before (how can anything be worse than fearing for my own life when I was raped and robbed at gun and knifepoint?  I suppose it COULD be worse, but I don't want to imagine that), or whether I have just learned to "feel" more, or whether there is some threshold that I've gone over that makes it just appear that way.  Recently, I've begun to think that this is what drives me to feel greater compassion for someone else who is suffering.  And oddly enough, I can KNOW that while I'm in the depths of despair myself.  Last fall/winter, I tried my damndest to hold myself together and not appear to be suffering as much as I really was inside. Yet I know that others with perhaps greater compassion for me than I had for myself could see that I was suffering.  I would tell myself that no matter how badly I felt, that I must continue to have compassion for others.

So (as the Dalai Lama would say), it is important to try and continue to have compassion for oneself even in the face of suffering.  That is the hardest lesson for me to learn, but I am trying.

Sometimes the suffering comes about at the sense of loss of part of one's physical capabilities, on either a temporary or permanent basis.  I had some real health shockers last year, and I think I needed to grieve the loss of an aspect of youthfulness that was very important to me.  But since, I've settled into referring to myself as an "old lady" on numerous occasions, and realizing that like death, aging is just a part of life.  We'll see how much of that I can push off, but the aging process is something that absolutely requires you to have compassion for yourself.  None of us is the same person we were yesterday. 

The other aspect of why does each incident seem to feel worse than the other, I think, is to help you realize once you are past it, how amazingly wonderful life can be when it is not sucking the life out of you. I am amazed each time at how much I seem to appreciate little things, how colors appear brighter, music sounds better, and I laugh at so many things.  But I also know that you can't tell someone in the depths of despair that this is bound to happen.  Even though it will.

Meanwhile, I have several friends who are indeed suffering.  Now that I am feeling good again, it is painful to me to observe their suffering, and try as I might to help them, there is little I can actually do except to not abandon them and let them know that I do not think any differently about them in their state of suffering than under better circumstances.  I would ask that they try and be compassionate towards themselves, but I know how hard that can be since I'm not too good at it myself.

I am no Dalia Lama, but I've learned a thing or two about compassion. If I can just keep that one thing on the top of my thought process, I think I will have done well in this life.

Fun with Supplemental Thyroid Hormone (Synthroid or Levothyroxine)

It's been almost 8 months now since I was "officially" diagnosed as hypothyroid.  I say officially because it turns out that according to the normal TSH scale, which has changed over the last 10 years or so, I've been this way for at least 15 years.  The reason I know is that 15 years ago I'd had a complete thyroid panel done on me in preparation for dosing me with a god-awful drug called Depakote, which I ended up never taking.  I was quite depressed at the time, and thought I could use some chemical assistance, so I went to see a psychiatrist, who in the space of 15 minutes, pronounced me bipolar, ordered blood work, and then wrote the prescription for Depakote.

I did fill the prescription, but looked up the drug on the Internet, and was like there is no fucking way I am taking this shit I will get through this.  And I threw it away and was fine, at least fine for me. Turns out one of the symptoms of hypothyroidism is depression.  Go figure!

Anyway, I'd saved the test results from 1997, so when I was tested last December, I could compare TSH levels.  Of course I did a bunch of research on hypothyroidism and how they medicate it.  Turns out my 1997 level was already high (high TSH = hypothyroidism; low TSH = hyperthyroidism) according to today's scale.  And today's scale is variable, too.

My TSH wasn't sky high like some people, but it was enough to (coupled with a boatload of stress last year and for many years before) do a number on me--depression, brain fog, bouts of extreme fatigue.  I was to the point of seeing a shrink or my medical doctor, and when I was able to muster up the focus to summarize my symptoms, decided I'd go to medical doctor first, and if nothing wrong there, then off to shrink.  I didn't even consider hypothyroidism, because I always associated it with extreme weight gain, but turns out that's not the case unless your TSH goes sky high.  I thought I might have been anemic and maybe be experiencing adrenal fatigue.

So imagine my surprise to find out my thyroid is fucked up!  Or my pituitary, or both.  When they first begin dosing you with synthroid, they have to start you at a small dosage, because it takes your body something like 6-8 weeks to adjust to the extra boost.  And then you do another blood test, adjust dose as necessary, and so on, until you level out. 

The first 8 weeks I noticed that much of the brain fog disappeared, and the depression seemed to lift somewhat. But when I next got tested, my TSH had actually gone UP, and my doctor said this is because my thyroid gland is pooping out, so we caught it at a good time.  Oh, by the way, hypothyroidism is very common in post-menopausal women.  Another fucking bonus!

After the next 10 weeks and an increase in dosage, I started feeling better.  The bouts of fatigue seemed to be gone, and I naturally felt like working out more, but at next test, my TSH wasn't budging much.  But at least it wasn't getting any worse.

Round 3 of blood tests, it gets tiresome.  I laugh every time the nurse draws blood and tells me not to lift weights that day.  Um...OK.  I typically swim first and then wait until afternoon to hit the weights if that's on the menu.

After the 2nd dosage increase, though, I was still paranoid about pushing my body too much, and wondered if I actually had adrenal fatigue.  Turns out it's very difficult to test for, and my doctor said that if I continued not feeling right, then at some point we'd do that test.  Meanwhile, I totally get that I'd basically pummeled my body into submission over the prior 13 years, so needing an extended break was probably to be expected, even if I didn't like it.

I even took an entire rest week (except for weights I had to do SOMETHING) off from swim/bike/run and another super light week to see if that made an impact on how I felt.  Nope.  So onward with some semblance of workouts.  I couldn't call it "training" at the time because there were no races.  Although in February I did do a stair climb "event" where you get to go up and down a 17-story building as many times as you want.  Guess who did the most floors?  MOI, of course.  I blew everyone else away.  I went up and down 13 times, eclipsing my previous effort in 2012 of 11 times. It wasn't timed, and there were no medals (I did get a T-shirt, though), but I was pleased that I was able to do that.  I really expected some youngster to do more than me, but it just never happened.

But I digress.  So I took the 2 rest weeks the last week of March and first week of April, and I didn't feel more rested or anything, so onward I went, and right about then my synthroid was increased to 50 mcg. About this time I also began running outdoors.  You see, I was purposely staying on the treadmill to hold back my pace in case I was continuing to tax my body too much. Believe it or not, I did not go for an outdoor ride until April 27!  I didn't feel like I had "earned" the right to ride outdoors, and so I only rode my MTB until June 11!  Obviously, it was around then I was really beginning to feel better, but still not 100%.

I believe it was June 26 when I woke up and immediately thought to myself, "I feel NORMAL!"  It was such a wonderful feeling, subtle really, but I knew I was close to being right.  The week prior I'd noticed that I was beginning to experience real hunger again, which is good since I'd been watching my caloric intake like a hawk to avoid gaining weight while not working out much and knowing my thyroid was crapping out.

So either that day or the next, I decided I wanted to do a century ride to see if I still wanted to go long, and also increase my running to the point where I could do a 1/2 NothingMan.  I put pen to paper and sketched out a training plan that began July 1.

On July 3, I had another blood test, and it showed my TSH not budging too much, but at least still maintaining, so doctor ordered another dosage increase to 75 mcg.  I monitored how I was feeling while attempting so-called "training," and things went well, considering I'd just been on road bikes for 3 weeks!

And then we know what happened...I began feeling so good that when a friend suggested Leadman for next year (far off enough to give that idea a thumbs up) and then another friend suggested Ironman Cozumel in December, well, we know how that turned out.

Thing is, it's impossible to say whether how I'm feeling now is due to the synthroid, the extended break I had from focused training, or the elimination of major stress over my house (financial and physical).  Probably all of those things. I feel pretty damn good, even Crackheaded, so it will be interesting to see what my TSH level is when I get tested again August 20.  All I can say is that I am hungry and eating all the time, and my metabolism is pretty revved.  But I am not hyPERthyroid, as when I make a point to monitor my heart rate, it's still pretty much in the dumpster like it's been for years.  But I have started sleeping less.  I am still wondering what my brave new world is going to be like.  Has my Cracktacular spell (siege?) of the last 13 years been due to a wacky thyroid?  Have my periodic depressions been due to that, too? Unknown at this time.  All I can tell you is that last fall/winter, I was in a deep, dark hole that drew me inwards more than I've ever experienced.  I felt alone, abandoned by my tri "friends," (although a few did check in with me regularly and I appreciated it very much), old, weak, unattractive and out of shape.  Quite the antithesis of Crackhead!  Believe it or not, I am still working on getting out of that hole, as it gave me time to think on where I am in life in general, not just from a triathlon perspective. So as much as I or anyone else suffers while being depressed, at least I've learned to learn from it, even if it doesn't prevent a recurrence.

By the way, my doctor initially wanted to dose me according to this. But there is a cutoff at age 50, and I am not sure why.  Is the assumption that anyone over 50 doesn't give a rat's ass whether their thyroid is functioning optimally?  At any rate, I had a chat with my doctor about this, explaining that I'd interviewed other athletes about their own experience, and that since I intend to remain active, that I deserve to have my TSH in line with the youngsters.  Luckily, she agreed with me, otherwise I would not be medicated much at all right now!

While I have made a typically aggressive training plan for Ironman Cozumel,

I intend to do my best to continue listening to my body.  After all (thanks, Maz, for reminding me often the last few months), if I HAD TO do an Ironman right now, I could.  I do want to have a decent race time, but we shall see.

Stay tuned, and if anyone wants to chat with me regarding my experience with hypothyroidism, feel free to contact me via Facebook.

Grandma Was an Iron Woman

Someone I know only through Facebook mentioned she and her husband were in Whiting, Indiana for a Pierogi festival.  It reminded me of all my relatives who lived in Whiting and Hammond.  My Mom and Dad were raised in Whiting.  My grandma and grandpa (maternal) lived on Schrage Ave., and 2 of my Mom's sisters and their families lived within walking distance of grandma.  I never knew my paternal grandparents, as they both passed before I turned 4.

Up until when I was in junior high, Dad would pile all 5 of us kids into the car (fighting and kicking the whole way) on Sundays in the summer months to drive to grandma's for the day.  Sometimes we would go on Saturday and stay overnight in grandma's cavernous, 2-story brick house.  Sometimes I would be left there for 1 or 2 weeks in the summer to hang out with my cousin LouAnn, and sometimes 3 or 4 carloads of various cousins (I have over 30 first cousins) would go to the Indiana Dunes to play on the beach for a day.

I haven't been to Whiting in years, since when grandma passed (and grandpa shortly thereafter at the age of 95 I think), the families fell out of connection, and since then all but 1 of my Mom's siblings has passed, and my Dad's siblings are all gone, too.

I loved those summer weeks I spent at grandma's house.  Every morning I would wake up excited to do pretty much nothing!  LouAnn and I would go for really long walks, we would go to the nearby schoolyard and play on the teeter-totters and swings, walk to my Aunt Ann's house (which seemed like miles away at the time but now I think it was maybe 1.5 miles), play silly word games, scrounge around in grandma's attic or LouAnn's basement, walk to visit the 5 cousins who lived a few blocks away, and share jokes only WE got.

Meanwhile, grandma was busy cooking (she was a great cook), doing laundry and tending to her beautiful flower garden.  I loved her flowers, and would ask her what is this, what is that, how did she grow these things.  It is from her that I developed a love for gardening.  My younger sister, Lisa, is into it as well.  Grandma was a pretty good seamstress and could crochet like a banshee, too, and I inherited her talent and surpassed her.  I still remember when I was in I think 3rd or 4th grade having my Mom insist that I show grandma how I crochet, because I have a somewhat unique way that I hold the needle and thread, and I can do it pretty fast.  I can still see grandma's face and her unique chuckle at watching me.  One of her sayings was "Yoy Many."  At least that's how we pronounced it.  Don't know what the hell that means or if it's a Croatian word.  Well, she said that, waved her arms, and proclaimed that I was some sort of mutant.

I have very dexterous hands--I began playing the piano at the age of 4, took up crocheting when I was maybe 10, took typing in summer school in 7th grade and quickly achieved over 100wpm.  I began sewing in junior high, too, and the hand sewing part (hems, buttons, facings) requires good dexterity.  Gardening doesn't require dexterity, but a good eye for things out of place or noticing insects and such.  I don't play piano much anymore, but occasionally whip out some Bach and remember that I really should practice!  I haven't crocheted much since I took up triathlon.  For one thing, I don't need any more doilies!  They are all over my house, which I guess makes me look like some weird combo of modern and grandma-style!  I only sew pajamas, robes, throw pillow covers and of course I can mend.  I have a few boxes of fabric and patterns complete with notions that I am afraid to get rid of, but that will happen one of these days.  Should I be invited to a wedding or other formal event, I would make a brand new dress, though.  Gardening has stuck with me, and will continue to the day I die, most likely.

Grandma sometimes gave me these secret talks and smiles at how happy she was that I sewed and crocheted.  She never heard me play the piano--she didn't have one--but my Aunt Ann did, and whenever I was there Dad would make me play.  Grandma didn't live long enough to know me when I first lived in my own home and began to garden, but I'm sure wherever she is now she knows.  I wonder what she would think of all this Ironman stuff that I do.  I know that she was an example to me of hard work for the sake of hard work, but also enjoying the more sublime things in life like flowers. In her time, being Ironman meant raising 8 kids and feeding them and their spouses and children on Sundays for many years and hoping that some of them would (many did) inherit her work ethic and zest for life.

I only talk of grandma like this because SHE ruled her home, not grandpa!  Grandpa was a stern disciplinarian, but grandma had the power to overrule him at any time.  I never thought of it until now, but I turned out a lot like grandma, just a more modern version.  To me, she epitomized excelling at the domestic arts as an honorable profession, having some artistic talent (she also did needlework, and I've dabbled in that from time to time), and understanding the value of play and good, home-cooked food.  It still makes me laugh (and seems ironic to some people who know me) that I inherited all her domestic skills, although I hate cleaning (she did, too, from what I remember).

Grandma is probably up in heaven (she was a devout Catholic) looking down at me going, "YOY MANY!"  I think I need to plan a visit to her grave (Mom's grave is close to hers; I have some of Dad's ashes) and thank her for showing me a way to live that I can always be proud of.

The Return of...Crackhead?

After much consternation, I have decided to make my blog public again and start writing.  Why?  Because I finally "recovered" from the last 3 years of trying to do too much after an Ultraman and succumbing to an amount of stress that I just couldn't handle and continue training.

News flash: I've registered for Ironman Cozumel on 12/1!  About 4 weeks ago, I woke up one morning and thought, "I feel normal."  Normal for me, that is. It's been 7 months since I found out I'm hypothyroid (and actually have been for at least 15 years) and been on meds, but I am not sure whether the reason I feel good is that the meds are at the proper dosage or I just mentally and physically recovered.  I'm going to go with all of those being implicated in feeling better.

As soon as I had a few consecutive days of continuing to feel normal, I decided I wanted to set some goals for myself:

1. Do a century ride.  Just to see if I still like riding that far.
2. Do a 1/2 NothingMan.  Just to see if I still like doing that.
3. Ride the Bike Psychos 200K ride (pending outcome of enjoying a century).

So I made myself a back-of-the-napkin training plan that began on July 1, and to accomplish the above, it meant ramping up my running and biking, but not swimming.  When I made the plan, I didn't add up how many training hours each week would be, because I didn't want to focus on that and think, "OH FUCK CAN I DO THAT?"  So I just started doing it, and the first 2 weeks went great.  I did a century on 7/14, and it went great considering I hadn't ridden that far in over a year!

Meanwhile, a friend observed that I might be back in the swing of things and invited me to do Leadman next year, which is right up my alley.  I was thrilled to be asked, but also scared, since I hadn't completed my evil plan to see if I even want to do the long stuff again.

Meanwhile, another friend let me know he was doing IMCOZ and that it was still open, and he told me I should do it.  So now the wheels in my head are spinning.  Honestly, I ran through a bunch of emotions right about this time (just 2 weeks ago) in terms of should I return to long course, is my body prepared for the training again, do I want to get back to hyper organization and early rising to swim?  Will I turn back into that machine that I thought I was a few years ago? Will I train smarter?  I was so shook up in thinking about all of this, but tried not to let onto anyone.  I even cried a few times and wasn't sure if I was crying tears of joy at feeling well enough to go long again or whether I was lacking confidence in myself.  What if I AM just too old to do this stuff?  What if I have slowed down so much that I wouldn't be happy with my own race results?  My brother Mike regularly tells me, "You're no spring chicken," and as much as I don't want to buy into it, there is this part of me that believes it.  Trust me, the whole menopause thing is no friend to an athletic woman.  It just messes the fuck with your body.  But I digress.

So I accept the offer of Leadman for next year (pending whether my friend can do it himself), and now I'm seriously thinking about IMCOZ for this year.  I mean, I am training enough (except for swimming) to get across the line in one piece, I am having a gas biking again, and my run speed is picking up again despite having run like a slow turtle all winter long because I was so scared I was going to dig myself a deeper recovery hole.

Well this past Monday I called my friend Brad and talked through the IMCOZ idea.  I took Monday off from work, and it seemed all I could think about was hitting that damn SUBMIT button.  Brad and I left it that we'd talk again the next day.  But then about an hour later, I thought fuck it, I'm signing up.  I can do this.  And I was actually shaking when I got to the active.com registration page!  Isn't that a hoot?  How many times have I done this?  I don't even try and remember anymore (besides, that's what Excel is for).  I texted Brad: I'M IN.  And got back: I knew you wouldn't wait!!! Yeah! So excited el cheatoman mexicana 2013.

See (this is to catch up new readers) Brad and I have called IMFL Cheaterman for many years because of its reputation for drafting on the bike.  He did it in 2010 and I ran the marathon during the race that year, and I saw cheating on the run, too--people who clearly had pacers and such.  Whatever.  Anyway, IMCOZ is pancake flat, so no doubt it is another Cheaterman, but in Spanish this becomes El Hombre Tramposo!!!!   Or maybe we'll just call it TramposoMan.

So now, I've expanded my plan and put it into Excel and all that and I've scheduled more frequent massages (a requirement for me to train well), got Skull Kingdom all fixed up and I'm riding with power (not that much yet but that will change) again, I'm excited I'll get to use my never-been-worn aerohelmet (after I apply the custom skull stickers) on 8/3 in a 1/2 NothingMan, and now I just have to hope that I remain healthy and can absorb my planned training load.

Is what I am about to do Cracktacular?  Well it's not that crazy shit I thought I could do for Ultraman.  It's "normal" IM training for me.  I will be really happy if I can execute it, and then if I get REALLY crazy, I still kinda want to do Ultraman Hawaii.  But I am not going to rush into that--I need to have another long course under my belt.  Besides, the Ultraman folks might require me to have done another recent IM, so I'm killing 2 birds with one stone.  It may just be that I want to go to Kona, so either way, I will probably go next year.

I have learned a ton in the last 3 years about balance and rediscovering my love for things besides triathlon.  I know some people won't be at all surprised when they learn I'm back at it, and I am sure some of them will roll their eyes the same as they have in the past.  Whatever.  If the universe or my body takes me down in the process, then it's just the luck of the draw.  It feels really good to have a big goal again.  I had turned into quite the procrastinator there for awhile, and it seems I have mobilized and am excited to get going again.

Regarding this blog, yes, the past is still here in all its crazy, Crackheaded glory.  I have gone back and read some older stuff, and if you look past the silly/disturbing photos and training documentation, there is some great stuff in here about how to do this thing called life, and I hope I can keep learning and writing about it.  I don't know how often I will post, because honestly I need to go into DEFCON CRACKHEAD for the next 18 weeks, but I am sure I will find time.

To anyone out there who is injured or suffering from life setbacks, I'm here to tell you that you do get through it.  I've just completed nearly 3 years of injuries, health issues, life issues, and it sucked donkey balls, but I was able to keep up a modicum of slow "training" to keep what little mental sanity I had. THREE FUCKING YEARS!  In that time, I've been injured 3x I think, found out I have osteoporosis, found out I'm hypothyroid, had my house nearly burn down, (temporarily) gave up my dream of doing Ultraman Hawaii, had a cancer scare or two, and yet here I am.  As I've said in the past, sometimes it seems that life is just a huge pile of shit with a few bright spots thrown in to keep you from offing yourself.  I am grateful for the people who stuck by me when I hung up my tri shoes.  I was in such a bad place for a long time, and it saddens me when I see friends going through shit.  Life IS hard.  But we are here to help one another, and I know how people like to watch me train myself into the ground, so HERE GOES!!!

WTF

In the past 4 weeks, a lot has happened to me, not much of it good.  On the plus side, I’m still alive!  I could have worse problems, but problems have just been cascading:

·         Remodel project, that was supposed to complete 14-MAY, was a disaster.  The contractor was performing with extremely poor quality and not completing any of the work.  I’ve needed to retain a new contractor that is costing more to correct and finish work, and it should be done by end of this month.  Hopefully.   It's been over 3 months that my house has been barely liveable.

·         My central air failed and needed to be replaced.  Old age, bad timing.

·         I had a near meltdown (that I luckily caught on Memorial Day weekend) in my house’s circuit breakers.  Could have started a fire.

·         I had a near meltdown (that was luckily caught by new contractor’s electrician) in my house’s outside electrical connection, that nearly started a fire.

·         I found out that the new furnace, air cleaner, humidifier and water heater that I’d had installed in March (yes by the same person who screwed up my family room) had been installed wrong, and had to have that corrected at considerable cost.

The upshot to the above is that I am out a lot of money, under a tremendous amount of stress, have lost weight and lots of sleep, and needed to make some decisions.  First to go was Ironman Canada—with an incomplete house that is still in much disarray and the inability to put things back together before July, I knew I could not manage the stress of a big race in that timeframe.  I made that decision about 3 weeks ago.

As things began piling up, though, with no sign of the stressors letting up, and the money I had saved towards Ultraman dwindling to nothing, I had to decide on that race as well.  I couldn’t justify dipping into retirement savings at this time for that, and I knew I couldn’t train properly for at least another month.  Plus, I need to have a minor surgery that requires me to do justice to recovery time.  I was going to defer the Ultraman decision for another week, but it had to be made, and I have pulled out of Ultraman.

I spent some deep think time not just on this, but on where I am in my life and what is right for me now.  In retrospect, I should have learned from 2010 that for my current life situation (single, home owner, employed full time 12 months of the year), the stress of Ultraman training is too great to manage unless everything else lines up perfectly.  It didn’t line up in 2010, and things are much, much worse this year.  I’ve also given thought to how much “regular” life I have given up in the name of endurance training and racing, and I am no longer good with it.  I have no regrets about the last 11 years, but I don’t need to spend the next 10 years of my life slaving away to the endurance gods that also require a bunch of money to appease.  As I’ve always said, the training itself is simple.  But 1 hour of training requires about 1.5 hours of life, and I want those .5 hours back. And to spend less money doing it.

I know this is going to be a huge adjustment for me.  I do intend to continue “working out,” and for right now, that has to take a back seat to getting my house in order and being productive at work.  All aspects of my life have suffered, although I've tried my best to not lose it on innocent bystanders and try to keep smiling in the face of insignificant problems.  I’m pretty sure I can find at least an hour a day to work out, and I always tell people that’s all you need to do for health reasons.  I will not put any pressure on myself to perform, so if I become even slower than I already am, tough shit.  If anyone wants to measure my character by how fast or slow I am, that’s their problem.  I will do my best to be happy that I CAN run, that I CAN bike, and that I CAN swim.  And I really need to get back to lifting, which I haven’t done in 4 weeks.

So this begins a new chapter of my life.  I still love triathlon, I just may not be a triathlete for now.  I’ll adjust.  I need to get back to it all being fun.  Eventually, as I do less, I should be able to train harder, and that always makes me feel good. 

Yes, it all sucks, but I think I reached rock bottom last week, and I might stay there for a week or so, as despite having made what I think are the right decisions for me, there is still an incredible sense of sadness and loss for me to deal with.  Again, I know I could have much worse problems, but that doesn't lessen how bad this all feels right now.  I lost my Mom in 2006, my Dad in 2007, and I guess now it's time to lose myself.  

My message to all of you recreational athletes is that none of the training or racing really matters more than living a life of integrity, love and compassion.  Get out there and do what you enjoy, but don't let it replace what's really important, and if it's not fun, don't do it!