Another Post About Desire...or Nothing

I find myself in a strange place right now. It's hard to say if it's lacking desire or trying to stifle it. In my mind, anyway, desire is what drives me, and if that is the case, I must love to suffer! Desire to achieve, desire to feel, desire to know, desire to discover, desire to escape the mundane, desire for new experiences. Desire is not something of the present moment--it's exactly the opposite of that. When I sense a lack of desire, it feels unexciting to me, and it's precisely that state of a lack of excitement that I find difficult to be comfortable in--but I keep trying anyway.

Desire is like that carrot in front of your face--you know you want it, and a lot of the "fun" of it is the not having. Isn't that crazy? To cause yourself suffering that way? Oh, to be human that way, and even better to think about why you behave like that! Even more fun if you're not even sure what it is that you want, but you think you'll know it when you get it!

If desire is such a great thing then what happens when you achieve its object? Sometimes it creates in me a negative desire. I want to not want. But how can that be? Isn't not wanting still wanting? Ah--I guess that state of nirvana is neither wanting nor not wanting. Just being. But how can I know how to describe it? Is "it" a thing? Or is it nothing? Isn't being something?

I like thinking about this. Or should I not like thinking about it?