Full NothingMan 2008

It's Saturday, 9/13/2008. Start time will be 6:00AM (we need to be out of the pool by 8AM because Masters swim begins then). Contact me if you are interested and have the cojones to do this without all the NAS Sports (or whatever it's called now) hoopla.

• No participant booklet.
• No registration fee.
• No expo.
• No day before bike check in (you can just show up day of if you want).
• No T-shirts.
• No medals.
• No awards.
• Nobody yelling, "YOU ARE A NOTHINGMAN" at the finish.
• No official timing.
• No (or very little) support.
  
• No packet pickup.
• No age groups.
• No bib numbers.
• No drafting penalties (in fact, drafting on the bike is highly encouraged)

You do need to be prepared, though. Virgins will have their preparation carefully scrutinzed by me. Participants need to be able to finish the swim in under 1:30, the bike in under 7:00, and while you technically have until midnight to finish the run, the pizza might be gone by then.

I can accommodate 6 people in my house, or there are nearby hotels/motels like Sybaris, for example, in case you feel you need to have an orgy before or after, or if you'd rather stay elsewhere (some people find me scary).

Once you are committed, it's up to you to do the training, etc. There are currently EIGHT AVAILABLE SLOTS for the full. There is no limit on folks doing a partial training day.

If you are interested, leave a comment with your Blogger ID that shows your email address, and I'll contact you via email.

I Want to Scream!!!

sprockets

But first, we dance :)

I'm training. That's good. I took Sunday off. Monday AM I did an easy swim drill workout. Mid-day I got on the bike for 1 hour--my intent was to ride/spin easy. Well that is just way too boring so I did my usual warmup and then ramped up for some 90% of FT time (2x10' w/2' rest) and ended up with some 30/30's. The nice thing about 30/30's is that depending on how hard the workout was before you do them, you can really crank out some watts. Since my preceding time was relatively easy, I was hitting some really sweet numbers. I almost rode more than an hour, but stopped myself, knowing that HIM recovery can be iffy.

Yesterday I ran. The plan was to run 1 hour easy, which means Z1-Z2. Well, you know the drill. That is BORING. But I did it for :45, and then I went to run on the track because I couldn't stand it any longer. I ran 10', trying to keep it maybe Z3, but I ended up in upper Z3. Then I was REALLY going to run for 5' easy, but after 2 laps, I was lapped by a hottie dude, and I figured I could keep up with him (I had been running faster than him for the earlier bout), and I am pretty sure he sped up knowing I was on his tail. I felt fine holding his pace, but my leg muscles were screaming STOP. So I did. I talked to the guy, Nicola--turns out we had met last summer in the pool. Nice guy. He's training to geta position as a professional soccer referee! And you know how much they run! I gave him some tips (unbelievable, I know) on his running, since I had watched him run. Pretty good form except he needs to up his cadence. He was happy for the advice, saying he'd never had someone watch him run before.

Well I knew pretty much within an hour that I shouldn't have run on the track AT ALL, but I still had a strength workout to do, which I began after finishing work for the day. Fuuuuuuuck...I wanted to cry I felt so wiped out! But I did most of the workout (56' worth), and I have about 10' to finish up today. I'm glad I did it and I feel fine today.

This morning I wake up at 5AM ON MY OWN (my body knows that spring is coming), but manage to fall back asleep for about :30 and then the I hear the coffee pot start up, so it's time to get up, then put on PJ's, get a cup of coffee, check my email, and find that I need to get some documentation over to my tax accountant, so I print that stuff off, put it in an envelope, get my swim bag together, prep my goggles, put on my swimsuit and real clothes, take the garbage and recycleables out to the curb, grab 1/2 cup more coffee, get in the car, drive to the tax accountant to drop the stuff off (made it there by 6:30), have a short little stress cry in the car listening to the song 'Keep Control' (lyrics following) while driving to the Y to swim, get in for a 2800 yard workout and thank GOD the pool is nice and cold (but sadly, there is no scenery today), am swimming pretty well (I guess the increase in intensity and yardage is starting to work) and decide it's so nice I may as well make it an even 3,000 yards (especially since I'm wearing my brand-spanking-new custom Crackhead suit), get out, shower and shave, figure I have a few minutes to spend in the sauna to stretch/decompress (7' as it turned out), get dressed, drive home, log into work and want to scream as I have 2 customer calls this morning that will be challenging, but hey, I heard ducks flying over my house at 6:00AM so they must know that spring is coming, right? and on the way home I heard a cardinal singing and I know I am going to want to scream several times today but I think I'll make it through.

think it's time to put an end to it
try clean my head again
start to resuscitate my engine
try to walk back where i ran

keep control, of me
try to keep the frequency
keep control, of me
try to keep the frequency

i break up all the things behind me
going on the other way
try to find myself again slowly
to move on the other day

keep control, of me
try to keep the frequency
keep control, of me
try to keep the frequency

something new has moved into my life
an essential missing part
takes control of my past addiction
and reanimates my heart

keep control, of me
try to keep the frequency
keep control, of me
try to keep the frequency

keep control..

Weekly Workout Totals 03/03/2008-03/09/2008

Not a bad week considering it included a little "race" (see following post) and 2 full days off. Yesterday, I felt like I had, indeed, raced, in the sense of how tired I felt. We'll see how I'm doing as my own coach over the next few days as I ramp back up.

Weekly Workout Totals	03/03/2008-03/09/2008
Swim:	7700 yards (4.37 miles) in 2.67 hours; 19% of weekly workout time; approx. 933 calories burned
Bike:	Approx. 99.76 miles in 5.48 hours; 39% of weekly workout time; approx. 2469 calories burned; Total TSS=435
Run:	Approx. 27.59 miles in 4.2 hours; 30% of weekly workout time; approx. 1904 calories burned
Strength:	1.73 hours; 12% of weekly workout time; approx. 433 calories burned
All Sports:	Approx. 131.72 miles in 14.08 hours; approx. 5739 calories burned
Sleep:	8.29 hours avg./night
Stretching:	1.85 hours. Massage: 0 hours

Race Report: First HTFU Half Indoor NothingMan of 2008

Pics are here.

OK, so I didn't announce I was doing this because, well, the way things have gone the past few months, anything could happen. But I was pretty sure it was going to be game on. I figured as long as I was hitting some decent training amounts, I may as well do a HIM. I scheduled it about 4 weeks ago just to give myself something to look forward to. Hard to believe, but I haven't raced since last September's NothingMan!

I knew that my bike fitness was there, and probably also my run fitness. As far as swimming, I still haven't been swimming enough to pick up any appreciable speed yet, but that should start happening in a few weeks. The investment of time for me to noticeably improve at swimming is just not worth the time, although my body certainly appreciates swimming as cross training and recovery.

Why a HIM? Why the hell not? I do need to get ready for Triple T, and it's not like I did a winter marathon or anything, so may as well combine the long bike and run and just get it done.

It was interesting yesterday taking a rest day. I stretched. I worked, but it wasn't a difficult work day. I did a few Dominatrix activities. But mostly I felt pretty relaxed about the whole thing. I did laugh, though, because I had to fix bottles. Today was my first time in 2008 using my custom Infinit mix (with CAFFEINE!) and Ultrafuel prior to racing and deciding what I wanted to use on the run, which turned out to be mostly Coke. I am not yet feeling the need for the old Ultra Violence. Actually, today was the first time in 2008 that I have even used caffeine during a workout, and I must say, I still love the stuff. Especially when you know you are going to bore yourself to death by doing a HIM all indoors, all by your lonesome.

As is usually the case, I felt compelled to really load up at dinner--really mostly post-dinner. I had some mahi-mahi and peas. Then saltines with romano cheese. Then I decided I deserved one of the Fannie Mae creme eggs (available only near Easter). I had bought 2 of them, and after polishing off the first one figured I may as well eat the other one, too. They were both good. Also, whereas the day before I thought maybe no beer the night before the "race," I reconsidered and had 2. So I was plenty carbed up to go.

I slept really well except for a few anticipatory bouts of hotness. My metabolism still senses when it's going to be asked to kick in bigtime, and this is why I think it's sometimes difficult to sleep the night before a race. Although lately at the rate I've been training and well, just living, my metabolism has been pretty high, and I've been careful to keep the house fairly cool at night (67 seems about right for me).

Since I didn't have to travel far to swim, I set the alarm for 5:00AM. No biggie there--on M/W/F when I swim I've been getting up easily at 5:30 lately. I messed around with my training spreadsheet for a bit, drank coffee, ate my usual Power Bar Triple Threat, and around 5:45AM I drank the Ultrafuel. Well, one thing that never changes is the stuff makes me gag. I just chug it all down and wait for the inevitable insulin coma, as my body quickly tries to do something with the giant sugar bomb I have just drunk.

I felt pretty good getting up this morning, and as the sun came up, I saw it was snowing. Fucking excellent! And only about 20 degrees Fahrenheit. Couldn't have picked a better day to do this, I say!

When I got on deck at the pool, some guy flagged me as a triathlete--I have no idea how--do I just look like one? Anyway, we chatted a bit, and it turns out he's doing his first HIM at Steelhead this summer. At this point I hadn't told him what I was doing, but eventually I told him I was doing a HIM RIGHT NOW and it was just to "see where the fitness is." Of course then he asked me what other triathlons I've done, and then I said I hadn't raced since last September, and he figured I did IMWI, but I told him no, me and a guy did it unsupported. Now he's probably thinking I'm a little nuts, but I'm used to that. He swims on the Masters team and I know many of them. I ended up sharing a lane with this guy, and he did try and "race" me every now and then, not that I was going very fast--I was just cruising.

Swim time: 41:09 for 2200 yards. Pretty crappy, but not as crappy as I thought I might do. I really wasn't trying at all, and I felt solid the entire time. I mean, 2200 yards, even though I'm not in IM shape yet, is still nothing as far as my endurance goes.

Out of the pool, quick shower, and change into biking clothes. Make some woman who speaks broken English take a photo, and I drive back home to get on the bike.

T1 time: 24:11. Long, I know, but hey, I was in no hurry.

I used my road bike, as that's all I've been riding this winter. I had pegged my FTP at 205 (I think it's really closer to 210 now, but let's prove it today, eh?), and decided to hold myself between 80-85% of FTP for HIM pacing. Actually mostly closer to 80%, because I had no idea whether I'd blow up on the run. I have done HIM rides anywhere from 78-88% of FTP. I think I'm good at about 85%, but I'll save that for a "real" race.

I warmed up easy at 70% for 30 minutes and then kicked it in. After about an hour, I noticed my legs were protesting a bit, and I just told them to STFU. This is the first time I've done a HIM simulation ride wholly on the trainer. It ain't easy. At 80% of FTP you are definitely working, but without an opportunity to coast or get a slingshot from passing someone (which is legal), it's tough to just keep pedaling, pedaling, pedaling at the same power output. I changed my gears here and there and stood up a few times, but that's about it. I couldn't tell if the reason my legs hurt a bit was because I effectively didn't taper (and I did 2 fucking hard bike workouts earlier in the week) or because I am just a wuss. Nevertheless, periodically I'd look in the mirror and tell myself to just HARDEN THE FUCK UP because it had to be done. Actually, it was kind of nice to feel the old pain of a good, hard effort. I'll take that any day over work, death, a boring, useless life, or being out of shape. Being in shape requires pain, no?

Since I was on the road bike which has a very different position than my Bitch, I expected my speed to be slower than I would normally do. Below are the bike statistics:

Elapsed Time: 3:05.38
Ride Time: 2:59.52
NP=160, IF=.78 (yay), TSS=202

God damn, I sure hope I can ride faster than that on my tri bike!

T2: 25:29 I fucked around with the camera, dumping the pics on it in case it got full, and then I had to WAIT for a treadmill at the Y.

Luckily, I got the endo-treadmill which is right under a nice ceiling fan, and it's a little cooler there because there's some airflow in from the track/basketball court area. I decided I'd try and do a progressive run, where the speed increases. I started in Z1 and only went up to Z3, which is fine for my first time out at a HIM this year. For the first 20 minutes, my legs felt like shit, and my stomach did, too. I have only done 2 brick runs before this! But I tried to forget that I had been on a bike before this and just think like I was doing my long run, and after that first 20 minutes, my legs felt pretty much OK. I was sweating bullets, which cause many onlookers to look at me funny--I sweat a lot normally during a long run, but as soon as I got on the treadmill today, I already felt like it was really humid in the room, and it wasn't going to get any better.

What can I say? The run was boring. Boring, boring, boring, and then more boring. But I was happy that I didn't feel too bad and that I could run off the bike at all!

Run stats: 13.1 miles in 2:01.45, or 9:18/mile, which is fine by me. I feel like I can bring that down to 9:05 or even 9:00 in a HIM, or at least I should be able to do that.

Total elapsed time: 6:38
Net moving time: 5:50.46

Not too bad for my first HIM in a long time. I'm happiest about how well I ran, since I totally changed up my run training this winter--up until 2 weeks ago, I've only been doing 3 runs per week, but still holding down decent volume. And only having run off the bike twice (for 30 minutes, no less), makes the run even sweeter. The bike I'm not worried about, as it was the road bike, and I think I biked pretty hard earlier in the week and should have rested a bit more. Oh well! As far as the swim goes, well, my endurance is there, and my speed is returning in bits and pieces over the last 2 weeks. So all in all, this was a solid effort for me, all things considered. I have 2 more of these (assuming my body holds up with the training) planned before Triple T. I'd always wanted to do a HIM per month over a summer, but this is as good as it's going to get right now. I can't plan any away time just yet, but I can still get my fix and feel the pain.

After I showered and got some Endurox R4 in me, I headed to the Chicken Basket for my post-race meal. On the way there, man, I wanted every form of food--candy, burgers, fish, you name it. Every restaurant was calling my name. I always figure that I need the 4 basic food groups after a race--salt, fat, beer and meat. Chicken Basket serves it up in spades! I ate 2 biscuits with butter and tons of honey, a cup of chicken dumpling soup, a giant Warsteiner Weiss beer, half of the coleslaw, half of the fries, a leg and a wing. The rest of my meal is waiting for my next hunger attack, which will be any time now.

Oh and when I got home, guess what had been delivered? My custom Splish Crackhead suit, which I'll wear at my next "race." Any of you ladies out there are welcome to order my design to show a little solidarity. The design is here.

Time to put my legs up and wait for my stomach to command me to eat again, but for now, it's time for another beer!

Happy Hump Day!

The pics are of my "torture chamber" at home. I've had the machine for over 15 years; one of my best investments ever. I think it needs a HTFU sticker!

Shelley asked about glute exercises. There's a link in my sidebar that is an awesome directory of all things muscular and strength and stretching exercises, but here it is as well.

So for starters, click on it and then look under Gluteus, and pick your poison: maximus (the biggest part of the booty and generates the most power for things like kicking as in kick-boxing, not kicking as in flutter kick--flutter kick relies more on ankle flexibility and hip flexor strength), medius and minimus (abduction/internal rotation), to see what exercises are recommended there. I do most of them, but I don't do the "good mornings," which are shown in the Hip Extension area. I have low pulleys on my weight machine, and I do abduction (working leg away from machine; kick to outside), adduction (working leg next to machine; kick across and in front of other leg) and also kick backs (face the machine; kick working leg behind you straight-legged).

I think everyone knows squats work your glutes, too, and I do them with dumbbells. I feel that using dumbbells you work your glutes more than if you use the bar.

The last exercise that I do for glutes is with ankle weights (3-5 lbs. each ankle). Lay on your stomach. Keeping your pelvis flat and stabilized, lift one leg up slowly--you only need to go to about 45 degrees--and lower. Repeat 15 times and do 2 sets for each leg twice a week.

So the butt-specific portion of my strength routine is:

1. Cable abduction
2. Cable adduction
3. Cable kick backs
4. Lying leg raises
5. Dumbbell squats

I also do unweighted wall squats using a stability ball (squeezing Spiderman between my legs) and then Dirty 30's (you can read how to do Dirty 30's by clicking on the abs/core routine link in my sidebar), and I am doing those more for hip flexor strength and knee stabilization, but bonus is glutes get a workout, too.

FYI, sitting on your ass is not at all good for your glutes. In fact, it's sitting a lot that causes a lot of hip and back issues. Even though there's no proof that strength training reduces injury or contributes to successful swimming, biking, and running, I do it to have strength for everyday activities like lifting stuff, shoveling snow, etc., and hey, having a decent backside can't hurt!

Great workout, Opera, Day Off, More great workouts

I'm always surprised to see how fit I can get in a relatively short amount of time. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm there (OK swimming not so much but biking and running for sure).

After Sunday's little brick festival, I wondered if I could pull off a decent ride on Monday afternoon. I sure did--TSS of 107 in 1:15, so my FT is definitely on the rise.

Last night I went to see The Barber of Seville with one of my best friends, and we had a blast, mostly before and after, getting some quality time to spend talking and (gasp!) drinking. We had wine with dinner and then champagne before and at intermission of the opera, which was pretty good the first half and a bit slow the second half. But I got a kick out of the set design which was Rene Magritte-esque, featuring sky blue with puffy clouds, sometimes suspended red chairs. Since the performance went well beyond my normal bedtime, I drank a cup of coffee right after dinner, knowing I wouldn't be able to fall asleep later. I'm not exactly sure how much "sleep" I got last night, but I didn't care because I took today off.

So now that I've written myself a training schedule, I see I'm supposed to do this track workout, which I've done before, but as has been commonplace the last few months, it scared me a bit:

WU: 10' Easy, 8 x Strides, 3 x 1' (30") @ 5k pace
MS: 3 x (6' @ 10k pace, 2' @ 5k pace, 2' walking recovery)
CD: 10' Easy

I've been doing some respectable tempo work for about 3 weeks now, but I had no clue whether I could pull this off, especially with a hangover. But hey, I ran the main set repeats faster than I ever did them a year ago, how about that? In trying to understand why this might be, I think it's a number of things--this is the first winter in 3 years that I haven't beaten myself up with fall and winter racing, and so I think my body has been able to really, REALLY absorb all the work I've been putting in. Oh, I guess that means I'm doing a "normal" training season? Perhaps...but my work ethic hasn't disappeared, and I kinda enjoyed the track workout--even when some dude who works at the Y was clearly watching me run around the track. I just didn't care. Afterwards, since I was in no rush, I spent some quality time stretching in the cardio studio (or whatever it's called) that is a big, fully mirrored room. I messed around with some of the Body Bars and checked out the spin bikes (you won't see me on them), and enjoyed the solitude of having such a big room (with mirrors!) all to myself.

When I got up this morning, I noticed my left glutes were sore. WTF??? Maybe, MAYBE at long last my left side is waking up. Lots of triathletes have difficulty getting all parts of their glutes to fire, and I'm no exception, especially with the biomechanical issues that I have. Anyway, it felt good for once to have a sore ass, and maybe all the biking I'm doing has contributed, too, and maybe because I've been literally hanging off a high bar a couple of times a week to let my spine stretch out, some former slacker muscles are activating.

So it was interesting to start the track workout with sore glutes, but the workout didn't make anything worse, and now I just finished my strength workout, yip-fucking-ee, because why? Because I'm done with my maximum strength phase, and I think that's been helping me be strong for my biking and running (and swimming--some of my "speed" is returning).

Everything could come crashing down on me at any moment, but for right now, things are pretty good. I enjoyed my day off and avoided loading it up with lots of crap. Now I just need a good night's sleep so I can hit it hard tomorrow.

Weekly Workout Totals 2/25/2008-3/2/2008 and BEST WATER EVER!

Swam this AM, and the water was ALMOST COLD! Last Wednesday when I swam it was pretty nice, but this morning it was even better. I'd say the temperature was maybe 81--it could have been 80. All I know is that below 80 I am freezing (sans wetsuit), and this morning I didn't rest very much because I'd get chilled. Also, I had goosebumps when I got out. NICE! I almost stuck around just so I could hear the water aerobics ladies complain about how cold it is. I hope the water is just as cold on Wednesday.

I guess that counting last week, I've now had 4 good training weeks in a row. There was a time not too long ago that I couldn't see that happening, but it is happening, and I'm happy for it. Yesterday I hit TSS 207 in a 2:30 trainer ride. Yes, that probably means my FT is on the rise, and I am pushing the watts whenever I can right now. By way of example, in the Miami Man 1/2 IM in 2006, my TSS was 173 for a 2:41 ride, so no matter how you cut it, that was a pretty hard ride I did yesterday. And then I ran :30--I was all ready to run outdoors, but it was raining, so I just hurried up and drove to the Y and ran on the treadmill, wearing running tights and a bra top. When I was about done, some woman gets on the TFM next to me and asks me if I know how to use it. Well, not really, I just hit start and manipulate the speed according to what I think I need to do, so I know how to do that, but these new TFM's are all touch screen and pretty easy to figure out. At first I told her to go get a trainer to show her (I guess she figured I looked like one of them?), but then I was almost done, and I figured out what she wanted to do. And then she starts walking, but she's holding on to the TFM, so I figured that since I had helped her and since she probably figured me for some sort of "exercise buff" (!), I told her that it didn't count if you held on, that you weren't getting a good workout, and I told her to slow down the speed to the point where she could just walk without holding on. I have no idea whether she took my advice or not, but I could tell other "walkers" heard me say those heinous words. Actually, I couldn't believe that woman was brave enough to get on the TFM next to me because after already having spend 2:30 on the trainer, I did not smell very nice at all.

Here's to another good week for me and for everyone reading!

Weekly Workout Totals	02/25/2008-03/02/2008
Swim:	8400 yards (4.77 miles) in 2.93 hours; 19% of weekly workout time; approx. 1027 calories burned
Bike:	Approx. 109.39 miles in 6.25 hours; 40% of weekly workout time; approx. 2814 calories burned; Total TSS=516
Run:	Approx. 32.61 miles in 5.01 hours; 32% of weekly workout time; approx. 2276 calories burned
Strength:	1.62 hours; 10% of weekly workout time; approx. 405 calories burned
All Sports:	Approx. 146.77 miles in 15.81 hours; approx. 6522 calories burned
Sleep:	8.39 hours avg./night
Stretching:	2.38 hours. Massage: 0 hours

A Saturday Post for the Hell of It

Fe-Lady asked what is TSS. TSS=Training Stress Score, which is a measurement of how hard you worked during a bike workout. You need to have a power meter in order to calculate this, and the Ergomo shows you "realtime" TSS while you work out. Which is kind of cool, because if you are a person motivated by numbers (as I am), seeing the number can give you motivation to work hard(er). Just even 2 months ago, I wasn't looking at or caring about my TSS, because I was too emotionally trashed to work hard enough to want to look at the number, because it would just contribute to how poorly I felt. But once I started feeling better (late January), I started caring about the numbers again, and truth be told, during the last 15 minutes of every trainer ride I work harder than I probably should just because I want to see at least 100 TSS for the ride. That's on my weekday rides--for my longer weekend ride, I'm looking for at least 150--200 would be better--but I can save that up for once I start riding outdoors. Jay reminded me that a total TSS of 500 for a week is a good amount for IM build riding. Since I've been riding 4 days per week this winter, now I'm staying around 500 each week, but I may drop back in a few weeks in preparation for outdoor riding--I haven't quite decided yet.

My bike FT watts may be back to my all-time high already--I haven't done a formal test, but I know from what I'm putting out in my workouts about where that number is, and I'm only about 10 watts off from where it was at a high point, and those 10 watts may just be due to riding indoors, but I'm working on pushing the number up anyway. Why? Because I love riding my bike, I love being fast on the bike and I guess I like working hard on the bike. WORK=SPEED ENTERING THE BODY.

There is a way to measure TSS for running, too, if you use a GPS, but I am not into running gadgets at this time. Just a watch. No more HRM. I still don't have an iPod, but that will happen soon enough. You will not see me with the damn thing strapped to my arm, either. That would spoil a perfectly good tan. I have plenty of shorts that should hold the stupid thing just fine, or I may get one of those running hats that has the pocket for the iPod. Anyway, I have been doing tempo work in each of my weekly runs, and I feel like I'm just about as fast as I've ever been, and I might even be a bit faster, but I will need to prove that in a race, right? Some of that may be due to the loss of 2 pounds or not.

I am 2 pounds lighter than my usual "fighting weight" of 112, so now I weigh 110. I laugh at how people say they struggle losing weight--try signing up for Dominatrix duties and let me know how much time you have to stuff your face. Now, 2 pounds over 3 months means a caloric deficit of a measly 78 calories a day. Was I eating less? Perhaps, but I bet it's just the extra busy work I've needed to do which has cut into my "slacking" time. Those 2 pounds will probably come back or maybe not--I don't think I've seen 110 on the scale since I went through a divorce 14 years ago! Back then I actually was down to 107, and yes, even *I* thought I was skinny, and I was. But I didn't have nearly the amount of lean mass that I have today. As to where those 2 pounds came off of my body, well when I take my measurements, I guess it's the "upper" part of my ass. I keep checking to see if my ass has just decided to head south, but if I try and pick it up it doesn't feel like it--it is just a little smaller. Which is hard for me to grasp considering I've been hitting the workouts pretty hard lately. Perhaps once I'm running outdoors on my usual fairly hilly routes my ass will show back up. That and riding on actual hills and standing up more on the bike usually does it.

Speaking of which, aging sucks. I mean, thank you anyone who tells me "you look good for your age." Some of this is just a reflection of the stress I've been under the last few months, and some of it is, well, I'm just fucking old. And it does suck. But it would suck a whole lot more if I wasn't in shape, and I can imagine I could look a whole lot worse. I still have fantastic abs, except my fucking skin isn't as elastic as it used to be. Oh well--all photos of me will now be taken in the upright and locked position! I still think I look OK in a swimsuit and skimpy running clothes, but I am holding off on the thong evaluation for a few months. That train may have just left the station! I assume that someone will tell me I shouldn't wear such revealing workout clothes because I look hideous, and then I will modify my wardrobe.

Odd that I'm sitting here writing a post--for some reason I was motivated to get up at 5:45AM today so I could swim before my long run, and well, I don't have any Dominatrix duties to do this weekend (yet, anyway), and so I'm going to go buy some books. I did catch some USA gymnastics on TV, and it reminded me of the Summer Olympics, and that will be awesome, because I love watching the male gymnasts and swimmers. OK, so I'll watch the female swimmers, too, but tough to beat the guys. What can I say, I love muscle and I love cut physiques.

Why am I training so much so early? Because I slacked for over a month during the fall and early winter and I felt like shit and now I don't and the reason is because I made myself work out. And I needed to see if I could still do it so I would know that I could still manage an Ironman this year and the answer is YES. This is the stuff that makes me strong, and I am so grateful for all the stuff I got to do in 2007--in retrospect, that was a crazy year--2 IM's, an open marathon and almost another IM (Triple T), and the most biking I've ever done. Something about that prepared me for what came after, and something about what I'm doing now is preparing me for whatever the next thing is, and that's good enough for me.

2 Good Weeks in a Row

Weekly Workout Totals	02/18/2008-02/24/2008
Swim:	8300 yards (4.71 miles) in 3.07 hours; 19% of weekly workout time; approx. 1074 calories burned
Bike:	Approx. 115.02 miles in 6.28 hours; 39% of weekly workout time; approx. 2828 calories burned
Run:	Approx. 31.7 miles in 4.86 hours; 30% of weekly workout time; approx. 2207 calories burned
Strength:	1.83 hours; 11% of weekly workout time; approx. 458 calories burned
All Sports:	Approx. 151.43 miles in 16.04 hours; approx. 6567 calories burned
Sleep:	8.93 hours avg./night
Stretching:	2.13 hours. Massage: 0 hours

Hard to believe, but I had another good week. Don't get me wrong--there was one Dominatrix-related (I call myself Dominatrix, although technically the term is Executrix for a female Executor. No I don't have a whip (yet), and I'm not saying what I do have) event, but I weathered it quite well. Here's a bunch of good stuff that happened this week:

1. I saw the B-man at the pool on Wednesday. Sadly, did not get to swim in the same lane with him. And I was wearing my pink flame suit!
2. I did 3 swim workouts. Did you read that? WORKOUTS. No more of that slow drill crap. Crackhead needs to get back on the speed (whatever little I have, that is) wagon. Every now and then, I would see a sign that it's coming back.
   
3. I did my first 2-hour run of 2008 on Saturday. On the tread-fucking-mill (TFM). I did a progressive (increasing pace) run including the fun tempo part at the end.
4. I did my first brick run of 2008 (and first one since, um...NothingMan) today, and IT WAS GOOD. And OUTDOORS! It didn't even feel that bad.
5. I made (gasp) a tentative training schedule through IMLP. I'm going to do it, dammit, come hell or high water, Dominatrix shit or not. Also Triple T in May.
   

I need a vacation BAD(ly). But at least since I'm training a decent amount, I can eat more tasty, bad stuff like good Italian cheese, jelly beans and some chips every now and then. I have a ton of Dominatrix shit to do what with it being tax time and all, but that should taper off in the next few weeks, and then before you know it, it will be spring and there will be color in my yard and in my face and more running outdoors and pretty soon biking outdoors, and it will be good.

Just the facts

Weekly Workout Totals	02/11/2008-02/17/2008
Swim:	7400 yards (4.2 miles) in 2.68 hours; 17% of weekly workout time; approx. 939 calories burned
Bike:	Approx. 108.21 miles in 6.18 hours; 39% of weekly workout time; approx. 2784 calories burned
Run:	Approx. 28.4 miles in 4.42 hours; 28% of weekly workout time; approx. 2010 calories burned
Strength:	2.73 hours; 17% of weekly workout time; approx. 683 calories burned
All Sports:	Approx. 140.81 miles in 16.01 hours; approx. 6416 calories burned
Sleep:	8.86 hours avg./night
Stretching:	2.38 hours. Massage: 0 hours

Not too bad, eh? I even looked at my IMLP registration and got a chuckle that I registered as "Crackhead." I still don't have much time for forums or blogging or reading much about triathlon. But I am doing it.

I forget--is a TSS of 500 good for a week?

Rough around the edges

Someone pinged me to find out what's going on with me.

Well, it's only 3 months since my Dad died, and I am doing a lot better than a month ago. But I guess not as well as I thought. It's really a rollercoaster ride. I can say that I have never gone through something so challenging before in my life. Losing someone you love is bad enough, but this whole Executor thing is a time drain--not just the actual time I spend doing the stuff, but it's the psychic aftermath, i.e., the stress, that is not too good. Add to that the fact that I truly believe I suffer from S.A.D. (Seasonal Affective Disorder), and that we've been getting quite a bit of snow regularly, and moving it around takes time and energy, too, and there are just a lot of things putting stress on me. I know there are folks who have far worse life circumstances, but right now that doesn't comfort me one iota. It's MY life, dammit, and I get to feel how I want about it.

I am the eternal optimist, however, as I know that things have gotten and will continue to get better. I spoke with a grief counselor, and she asked me whether I felt I'm depressed. Hell yeah! Severely so? No. I think it's probably a "normal" amount given my situation right now. A month ago there were days when I just didn't know how I was going to get through them. That is mostly gone. I am mostly able to sleep well. But I still hate winter, I still feel like I'm drowning in fucking paper, I still feel like I have to check whatever other people say they are going to do because there are a lot of fuck ups going on, and hey, I'm a control freak and perfectionist, so that kind of shit drives me nuts.

Whew, that felt good to say!

I am getting in some training--the one thing I've been consistent about is lifting weights. Isn't that funny? And then I've been getting a lot of extra strength work with the snow moving. I know that March is just around the corner, which means less cold, less snow, and yes, more running outdoors. I can't tell you how many times I would have swum except that I needed to clear snow which meant swimming had to go, or else I would have needed to get up at like 4AM to shovel, which I am not about to do--I need all the sleep I can get right now.

Once the weather settles and I get through "tax season" (oh the joy of dealing with someone else's taxes in addition to my own), I will hopefully plan a trip somewhere warm and paper-free. It will be a start, and that's what I feel like I need right now--a fresh start.

I Don't Want to Jinx Myself

I guess I was getting used to feeling so badly and then there's all the usual expected (from what I read) feelings during grief of feeling guilty about feeling good that I've been reluctant to say that I'm getting on with my life and doing a lot better.

Yet I know something must be happening because so far (knock wood) I've been able to sleep well this week, I've started having good dreams (last night's included Peter Reid, of all people), I wanted to do an actual swim workout today instead of just lazy-ass drills, I want to look at the power meter on the bike and hit specific numbers, and (gasp!) I want to order new running shoes.

I know people have different ways of dealing with difficulties in their lives, but for me, exercise is salvation. I no longer look for some ultra-special meaning that I think should be there, or how the dots all get connected--that's just how it is for me. I suppose I could go to a shrink and have a conversation like this:

Shrink: So why are you here?
Me: I want to find out if there is a deeper meaning to this need I seem to have for large amounts of exercise.
Shrink: Does exercise make you feel good?
Me: Yes, very much so.
Shrink: Why do you think that is?
Me: Because I feel relaxed afterwards and problems don't seem to bother me as much and I can eat a little bit more or not be so worried about exactly what it is I eat and I think I look better and I think I meet really interesting people doing it and hell, riding my bike is just plain fun and sometimes so is running and swimming, well that's a skill I'm not that good at but I am always working on it because somehow I think it's good for my brain, but maybe sometimes I do it to escape from thinking about my own problems.
Shrink: Wow--that's a lot of things about exercise that seems to make you feel good. I hear there are claims that it's good for your overall health, too. Now let's talk about that escape thing.
Me: Is it wrong to want to escape from the trap that is our brain and thinking all the time and focusing on all that's wrong?
Shrink: Some people think meditation is a good way to calm down the mind.
Me: So what if exercise is meditation for me? Does that make it OK?
Shrink: Do you think it hurts you?
Me: I suppose there are times when I would rather go ride my bike instead of some social activity.
Shrink: Do you think you need more social activity?
Me: Probably. But I have no idea if I'm better or worse off than the average person. Sure, sometimes I wish I was in a committed relationship, but the ones I've had I messed up, and this current arrangement seems to work for me somehow. I think some people think that because I like the exercise so much that I wouldn't make room for a committed relationship, but that's simply not true. Apparently I had time to be an Executor for my Dad, which is something I just added to my life, yet I don't feel like I've subtracted anything. Plus, I know at some point that I will slow down and not want to do as much exercise, but maybe by then it will be too late? Sometimes I think I exercise so that I don't have to think about that!

So...I go through this thought process every 2-5 years (more frequently in the last 10, I'd say), and right now I can't come up with a better life model for myself. Can my life be better? Of course. Am I doing everything I can to make it better? Maybe not, but I'm doing what I can. And that's really all I can do.

I'm not sure how this came out...it seemed to be just my fingers typing!

I Must be Getting Better--I'm Posting Again

I'm still having bad days, no doubt, but the general direction is good.

I realize now that I really didn't grieve for my Mom back in 2006, so I'm experiencing at least a double-whammy (maybe triple if you add in being Executor now). I can now look back over the last 2 months and say that when I cried, I was crying for myself, in terms of feeling so overwhelmed by things. Now I'm able to cry and it is just crying because I'm sad, which feels better. I understand sadness--I need to just let it be.

I'm starting to feel like I'm getting some fitness back--biking and running that is. Swimming is still optional depending on whether I got enough sleep and feel like hauling my butt to the pool early in the morning. But the interesting thing is that when I do swim it is feeling different--almost like I'm starting over. Isn't that interesting? I think I've just become more acutely aware of my form, and since I've given myself a bye in terms of any semblance of speed, I am focusing more on form.

I've found some really good sites about grief, and it helps me feel better to know that almost every strange thing I'm experiencing is quite normal. So now when I catch myself being absent-minded or unable to focus or restless or sleepless, I just acknowledge it and forgive myself. In other words, I'm letting the process play out. I also have some perspective in that my parents both lived a decent length of time (78 and 81, respectively). While that doesn't diminish my sadness, reading about and listening to others talk about truly tragic deaths makes me feel fortunate to have had my parents for as long as I did (excellent site: http://thegriefblog.com) .

I also now see that I don't think I had developed a good sense of compassion for others, and I hope I become better at that. I still wince when others treat me with ill will, but I am committed to not dishing it back out whenever possible.

I was totally shocked today when someone at the Y accused me of working out really hard and being much younger than I am! I was on the treadmill, and thought I looked like total shit, having spent about 20 mins. on my way in crying and sharing with a friend. And I still feel out of shape and well, just old. So it was nice to receive an unsolicited compliment, which upon receipt I babbled rather quickly that I wasn't running as much as usual, and that I also biked and swam, and for a split second I thought, "Yeah--that's who I am in a nutshell." And I was OK with that. I'm sure I'll go through many periods in the future where I am searching for more and more meaning to my existence, but sometimes I think it can truly be as simple as for me as working out, because when I do, I feel good about myself and everything around me and feel like I can be open to other meaning and higher contributions to friends, family and society in general.

Another thing I've realized is that I've been slouching way more than usual (which for me is not much at all). I think this has been part of the overall feeling of being overwhelmed and having my eyes focused downward instead of up and forward. At least I am starting to catch myself at it and wonder why I would be slumped over? At least it's been over a week since I've experienced "jelly legs" which is an odd manifestation of the grief process where my legs go all weak on me just before or even during a workout. I've pushed through that and am hopefully done with that crap. Now, having jelly legs because I've totally exhausted myself in a race is a completely different matter!

I still love and crave the feeling of exhaustion from having worked out hard. It is much, much better than the feeling of emotional and physical exhaustion from being overwhelmed by grief. I do have to say, though, that I'm glad I know the difference. I can't imagine feeling only the stress reaction and not knowing that you could return to a place of blissful exhaustion!

I am moving forward on my house purge...I've got a ways to go, but it's one thing that I feel like I can safely do now and feel good about such a small accomplishment and then be ready for bigger things later in the year. I can't have too many projects for myself right now--my hands are still full--but my capacity is slowly growing.

Please say a special prayer for my friend, Cindy. Her father in law was in a terrible car accident a week ago, and his condition is grave. I only hope that I can provide some comfort to Cindy and her family as she has done for me.

Happiness = Control + Acceptance + Being in the Moment

And I would say that:

Suffering = (Lack of Control) or (Denial) or (Inability to be in the Moment)

I had this discussion with Cindy a few weeks ago regarding what contributes to our happiness. These are the equations that seem to work for me...I'm not saying they are universal--rather it just helps me to understand myself in a logical way. And this is what is enabling me to escape my own grief, because I know what my own happiness equation is. Notice my definition of happiness doesn't include money or rewards or medals or honors or being better than someone else. Someone else's might, but not for me.

The reason I have never felt that doing an Ironman constituted suffering, then, is because 1) I am 100% in control. I am choosing to do it, I made choices about the amount of training I did to get there, and I choose how I react to whatever is thrown at me on the day. 2) I accept that it might hurt a bit, that I might have bad patches, and 3) that although I might momentarily lapse into thinking about the past or the future, in general I'm there in the moment. So that's why I love Ironman so much!

And I guess it's through having done so many of them that I figured out that it has shown me what makes me happy (haven't I said this before?). Now, the grief that I've been feeling, well, there has been a lot of out-of-controlness, periods of denial and certainly I have been either in the past or spiralling into the unknown future. Yep, I have been suffering! But as I can see my ability to regain control of many things, accept certain changes to my life, and once again focus on being in the moment, I am beginning to feel happy again. I guess my definition of happy isn't the bubbly, over the top thing a lot of people think it is. I'm pretty much good with my personal definition. Don't get me wrong--silliness, exuberance, craziness and Crackheadedness are also very much a part of my vocabulary, but behind it all is the quieter, gentler version of me.

But I want to be Crackhead again. It may be a slightly modified version, but it will come.

Yesterday I was able to "just do the dishes" while washing the dishes. I wasn't forecasting the future or lamenting the past. I wasn't looking for something else to do while I was already doing the one thing. And life was OK for those minutes. And it made me realize that I am still open to all the neat stuff that is life, even though it's peppered with periods of suffering.

I'm still not in the mood to bust out of my little shell and start reading everyone else's blogs. I just don't have the energy for that right now. But it will come--I want to be excited to see what everyone else is up to, and I hope everyone out there is enjoying life, and I hope I can be there for you when you have to go through true suffering, as it's not something anyone should endure alone.

I'm Trying

• to have more not rotten days than rotten ones.
• to go to sleep and be thinking random happy thoughts rather than obsessing about all the things I should be doing.
• to be able to wake up in the middle of the night and think about falling back asleep peacefully
• to not feel overwhelmed all the time
• to honor the grieving process--man, I really loved my Dad, and my Mom, and losing both of them close together really sucks.
• to increase my attention span. How funny is it that sometimes a :45 workout can feel like an eternity coming from someone accustomed to 5+ hour bike rides?
• to smile just a little bit more
• to let go of more little things
• to brush off mean, insensitive and angry people
• to tell those I love and who are kind to me how much I appreciate them--huge shout outs to Cindy, Harold, B-man, Brett, Patricia, Susan, my brother Mike, my "adopted" sister Laurie, Karen (a woman I work with) and countless others
• to be able to cry and let it make me feel better rather than worse
• to remember how much I love Ironman. I started watching "golden oldies" from the 90's (Hawaii), and am loving them! I have to say, the men wore some groovy Speedos back then, and everyone looked much more laid back
• to remember what I *can* do and regain my self-confidence, but be OK with second-guessing myself and asking for help at the same time.
• to understand my limits but not be bound by them
• to remember that winter is temporary
• to be myself again

Random Musings

• I am not as happy as I want to be. I'll get there. At least I am beginning to feel "not rotten."
• I'm starting to work out regularly again. That helps me to feel happier. Having had a taste of what it's like to be a sloth (my definition), it doesn't surprise me how many angry, out of shape people there are in the world.
• Never thought I'd say this--but a workout done slowly is still a workout. I miss the pain.
• I'll take physical pain from working out any day over being overstressed, overweight, inactive, mad at the world or ungrateful.
• What is it with sociopaths? I suppose I should feel sorry for them, but I don't. They sure don't have any empathy towards me. ATTENTION SOCIOPATHS: I'm onto your game.
• I can still appreciate hotties even though I am not one. What does that make me? A hottie hag?
• I can't swim worth shit, but I still like doing it. Being in the water and not thinking about anything besides trying to get across the damn pool and feeling the water on my body and just breathing and not sinking is enough for about 1 hour. Getting to watch other great swimmers (guys)--BONUS! The B-Man rocks!
• My favorite colors right now are pink and black. Anything goes with black and pink makes people notice.
• I'm not smiling as much as I did a few months ago, but that will come back. I really like to smile!
• I continue to find it amusing at the number of professional people who can't separate facts from emotions. Both are, but both are very different.
• I understand people who don't know what to say to me right now, or who don't understand my change into this person who I am right now. I imagine it's confusing to see someone who normally appears so together and such appear to be falling apart randomly. If there's one thing I learned is that one needs to learn about how to fall apart and then put oneself back together again. Right now I'm sort of stuck in a Humpty Dumpty loop--sit on wall, feel in control, fall off, fall apart, climb back up, repeat. Eventually I'll get back to climb wall, do cartwheels on wall, laugh at anyone not on wall, stay up there for months at a time, and climb down when I feel like it.
• The way I like to be treated is give me the damn facts, and then let me choose my own emotions. Don't impose your emotions on me unless it's pure, unadulterated joy!
• Mean people will always suck.
• Everyone is more attractive when they smile.
• I want a sign for my yard that reads: INVISIBLE DOG--FENCE IN TRAINING.
• I want to be able to make some workouts hurt. I'm getting there on the bike. That's my #1 priority right now.
• I can't wait for Ironman #11. THIS ONE GOES UP TO ELEVEN!

Thanks for the Scenery

I'm going to skip over all the bad stuff today...suffice it to say there is starting to be more good stuff than bad stuff. I am so appreciative of all the people who are nice to me and supportive. I hope I can return the favor.

This morning I was actually happy to get up early and make it to the pool for a short swim. I even made it there before the scenery arrived. I really enjoy swimming next to good swimmers (most swimmers are better than I am, especially right now), and it's even better when they are hottie guys.

B.--it was sweet to get the full visual of you standing on deck today (I about choked underwater), and sorry when I got distracted looking into your eyes while we were talking later on. It made the unbearably hot water somehow tolerable. It's too bad you only swim on Wednesdays, but it makes for good mid-week motivation. Give me another few weeks and I should be rid of my excess flab accumulated over the last 12 weeks, and the pink and sparkly suits will make an appearance!

Thanks, B.

The Fog is Beginning to Clear

This past week felt like a hurricane descending upon me. For the most part, it's bad weather, and then there are some tornadoes included to make it even worse.

I was drowning in a sea of paper for about 3 days, making calls and hacking into websites (guessing my Dad's userid's and passwords) to get things straight. I began to organize things into "done," "bills to be paid," and stuff I thought the lawyer would need. I ended up making (oh the SHOCK!) a spreadsheet of all the periodic payments, and then I made an estimate of how much money would need to be set aside to maintain Dad's house, assuming it didn't sell for awhile, and also to fix it up to prepare for sale, and things like utilities, real estate taxes, etc. I figured that if I could, I'd distribute all money except for what I thought I'd need. At any rate, I got things pretty organized to the point that by Thursday morning, I was pretty much set to have a productive meeting with the lawyer (the man who originally set up my Dad's trust accounts, will, and powers of attorney).

Tuesday I went to the Cremation Society all by myself to sign and pay for Dad's cremation. That was a bit disturbing, but I actually found my sense of humor while talking through the process. I was still feeling rather exhausted at that point (still am, actually), but less so than I had been the prior week.

Wednesday was my big breakthrough day when I felt like I had all the paper and "to do's" organized. That was also the day that my older sister decided to call me and scream at me (a passing tornado, as it were). I won't go into the content of her tirade--let's just say it's typical of her to throw tantrums even though's she's 57 years old. I also found out from one of my sisters-in-law that she had said I was "being an asshole," and combined with her screaming at me that "everyone else is pissed at you," even though I'm pretty strong and have gotten over her regular bouts of vile behavior, it still stung a bit, being in the weakened state I was in. But I also understood just how upset and fragile she is, and I do feel sorry that she is unable to be nice to her own immediate family. I also learned from a sister-in-law that at one time she called me a "cokehead." That made me laugh, considering my current nickname is Crackhead :)

So remember, the rest of this is being written by an asshole cokehead!

Wednesday evening I could tell that I was just about finished with the paper organization, and so I scheduled a massage for myself for the next day. The luxury!

On Thursday morning, I received a call from the Cremation Society that my Dad's remains, the death certificates (certified copies, that is) and the flag (Dad did serve in the Army from 1945 to 1946) were ready to be picked up. When I was told this over the phone, I made the YES sign with my right elbow to my right knee and said a loud, "YESSSS!" into the phone. At once, I apologized for my joy at hearing this news, and then I explained that I had an appointment with the lawyer the next day and that if I didn't have the death certificates it might be a waste of time. The odd thing was when I was asked when I wanted to pick things up, I became almost catatonic. I just couldn't think and respond to the question, seemingly for minutes, but it was probably really only 30 seconds or so. All I could think was that since I was pretty much done processing stuff for the week that I could get in a workout or two before going to the lawyer (appointment was 2:30PM Friday afternoon), and then I finally regained my composure and answered.

Thursday evening after my massage (which was wonderful), I got everything ready for Friday so that I could basically wake up, do something for myself (I had to complete my benefits enrollment for work, as the enrollment period was over the last 3 weeks and when did I have time?), get in a short run and maybe a short strength workout, buy some lunch for myself and my brother Mike who was going to the lawyer with me, and then head out. I got everything together and put a box by my front door together with my briefcase, and slept pretty well.

Friday went like clockwork--figure out my benefits and set them up (I changed some of my beneficiary designations in the process), run, do an abs/core workout, shower, go to Subway and then go to the lawyer. Well it all went well except for when I was about to shower, Mike arrived a bit early--I had just called him to ask what he wanted for lunch and he said he was a block from my house. That was fine, and we had time to sit down for lunch before heading to the lawyer.

Mike saw the box of stuff I had prepared and I talked him through the materials and questions I had. Once we got there, things just went very quickly. Actually, most of the time was spent with a financial consultant who handles estate stuff that Dad had worked with over the past year. This man, Chuck, also had sensed that my Dad knew he had some serious medical issues brewing. I'm not sure whether I talked about that, but while I went through his papers, I found evidence in some of his medical statements that he knew something was up with his kidneys and his liver. My other brother, Tom, said he had found evidence of Internet research Dad had done on liver cancer. So Dad knew! I am not sad that he didn't tell us, because I can only imagine that he had to choose between continuing to live as long as possible and effectively going into hospital for all sorts of treatments that would totally mess up his quality of life.

Anyway, Chuck and the lawyer, Tim, did great by us, and both commented on how organized and prepared we were! I really appreciated that, and we were able to get pretty much everything covered except for the inevitable sale of the house and distribution of remaining money!

This morning I marched into the local branch of Dad's banks with the correct legal paperwork to enable closing his checking account and transferring the money into a new Estate account that I can begin writing checks against.

I went for a short swim today, and I've taken the rest of the day off. I'm going grocery shopping and then cooking for myself--something I haven't done for 3 weeks. And this coming week, I should be able to ease myself back to about 10 hours of training and move it on up to 12-13, where I'll hold for a few months. I am still pretty tired out and recognize that it's still going to be touch-and-go for me (especially since people around me keep insisting that I haven't "processed" this yet), but I have to say today is the first day in 3 weeks that I actually smiled as I woke up and started my day.

I think Dad would be very proud of me to have made it this far in such a short amount of time. I think my siblings will be surprised to receive a call in a week or so asking what do they want to do with certain money that is coming their way quickly. I've got a realtor lined up that may be able to deal with the house sale.

Life isn't great yet, but it's approaching good, and I really can't complain!

Peace at Last

Dad passed about 9:30AM this morning. I was at hospital last night until about 8PM, and in a way felt guilty for not staying the night. I did get a smirk out of him briefly by saying that I was going to take all his money and keep it from my siblings.

He had oxygen and nothing else. He didn't appear to be in any pain last night, but I did have the nurse administer a little bit more morphine last night just to be sure he wasn't uncomfortable.

Last night I barely slept--each time I would awaken, I didn't want to be awake and assumed the phone would ring and I was so exhausted that I couldn't imagine getting up and driving back to the hospital. Somehow I comforted myself and got back to sleep until morning, when it got light out and then I just couldn't sleep. But this was the worst day for me, and I didn't want to get out of bed. It just wasn't going to be good.

As soon as I got up, I began going through some papers I had picked up at Dad's house and tossing those that didn't have any future financial impact. I was a bit happy that I had an extra hour with the time change to do some of this. Then I went and got the boxes out of my car with more papers and brought them into the house and began going through them.

I decided I wanted to try and run around 9:00, after talking to my brother Mike and deciding when we would go back to the hospital. I put my running clothes on and was just about to go out the door to the Y and decided to call the hospital.

I kid you not--I am psychic--I called and they said they were just about to pronounce him dead. Did I know? Sure. I suppose it was the last time, and I hope it's for awhile, that a run/workout is thwarted by severe illness or impending death.

I immediately called Mike and told him to come get me so we could go see him and make arrangements, and then I called my siblings to let them know. In a way, I was very curt and methodical, but only because I knew this would be the beginning of more things I needed to do.

Part of me didn't want to see Dad's body, but then we ended up spending a couple of hours in his room with him after getting things straight with the Chaplain about his cremation arrangements. And it was good to see he had passed with a slight smirk on his face, like he had beat all the rest of us to the punch of making the decision for him and he had gone when he wanted to.

I'm not saying any of this has been easy for me--it hasn't--but I am glad it is over, and now I can begin on the next phase of honoring his life by carrying out what he wanted me to do. And once that is nearly complete or at least under control (the sale of the house will take some months, I expect, and so I will need to continue paying bills and getting that process moving along), I want nothing more than to get back to my old life, which I had been questioning and wondering if it was the right thing to do and whether I was overly invested in something that really didn't matter.

What I learned from my Dad is that he LIVED even while he may have known he was ailing, and he did things he wanted to do and on his terms. When I first began doing triathlons, he didn't understand why I would want to push myself this way, but after a time he understood that I was just doing what he was doing, which was doing what brought me enjoyment, without judging why. Dad liked moving around, and he liked using his incredible intellect, and that's what I like doing. I may not express my intellect the way he did, but I do it nonetheless. I bet if he could have seen me pressing to get information about him and his condition so that I could determine whether we were doing the right things by him that he would be very proud of me, and that even though some people around me perceived it to be very unemotional, that in fact, I was being quite passionate about trying to do the very best I could do for him.

I discovered once again that very few people understand the difference between passion and emotion. Maybe I didn't even understand the difference. I question myself for sometimes being overly passionate, and lose sight and accuse myself of having useless emotions. Don't get me wrong--emotions are a good thing--but emotions are inert things without underlying passion. I know what it is to feel sad and hopeless and lonely and happy and in love. But what I want to guide me is not emotion but passion and compassion. That's it.

And so as I move into this next phase of accomplishing things on my Dad's behalf, I hope that I can continue to carry forward my passion for doing the right thing, my passion for living, and my compassion for myself and everyone else. I have and I will continue to be fallible and question myself. But I can keep sight of my core being and that's all there is.

Hospice and Hope

Dad's condition deteriorated quickly over the past 2 days, and yesterday (after a run--not yet showered), I had "the discussion" with his primary care physician. I will spare you the details, but at this point, any further treatments are at best invasive, intrusive and hit-or-miss, and at worst, speeding him onwards towards death.

So the PCP and I each had our conversations with Dad, and actually Dad decided for himself before I got the chance to discuss much with him (he has been barely cognizant for the past 2 days) that he did not wish to continue treatment.

I got hospice all set up, and now we wait. I don't think he will make it through this weekend. At least he gets to die with a bit of dignity rather than being 1/2 human, 1/2 machine like some Borg! Although in a way, I know that if he/we knew he could achieve the Borg state without being tethered to machinery, what the hell!

For as much anguish as I had been putting myself through before this all came up in terms of being at the end of my season and figuring out what I want to do, all I can say is this: I will be so grateful if I am physically, financially and logistically able to do another Ironman race! For right now, though, my only moments of being able to take myself away from my Dad's pain is when I am able to sneak in a short workout, and even then I've felt a bit guilty. But I know he would want me to stay healthy, as I must to get through the next few weeks.

Thank you everyone for all your kind words. Should you ever go through this, I am here for you!