I think I just signed up to be someone's Mentor/The Dark Side

Which is totally cool by me. This is someone I know mostly just from online, although we met in person back in 2001. I will call her "Shelley." She has seen my online persona, which can be abrasive at times, and she has seen my athletic performance blossom over the years. Shelley has just recently decided she is ready to come over to the DARK SIDE, as I like to call it.

What is the Dark Side? It's a way of life where:

• You expect the best from yourself only because you want to find out how far you can go.
• You are willing to learn as much about yourself, mind AND body, as possible, in an effort to understand the complex being that is you, how it works, and what makes it work WELL.
• You are not afraid of bigger and bigger challenges, that once you actually begin them you are thinking, "what the fuck was I thinking when I signed up for this?"
• You are not afraid to dig deep in a workout if that's what it takes to accomplish what you need to do. But you are smart enough to throttle it back based on your self-knowledge of cause and effect.
• You understand that digging deep in a race is normal, not extreme.
• You are not swayed by the opinions/emotions of others. Opinions are to be considered and evaluated; emotions are for the other person to experience. YOUR emotions are to be experienced fully and guiltlessly--they are part of what makes life worth LIVING.
• You seek out and cultivate friendships/mentorships with those who challenge your way of thinking and being.
• You do not apologize to anyone for wanting to be in a different dimension of consciousness and physical achievement.
• You cultivate quiet confidence in yourself, knowing that revealing all about your thoughts and methods to those on the other side is a waste of your precious energy.
• You do not seek perfection; your aim is improvement through athletic performance while cultivating a mind of iron.
• You do not forget that a sense of humor about everything is necessary. Laughing at yourself is the easiest thing to do; laughing with others is infectious; and laughing AT others is even OK as long as it's kept in perspective.
• You are not afraid of labels like aggro, hardcore, extreme or crazy; in fact, you consider them compliments!

Yesterday's workouts

Sorry I'm late in posting this. You'd think I'd fallen into some sort of rut. God (or your favorite spiritual deity) forbid!

I had to meet business folk for breakfast at 7AM 35 FUCKING MILES FROM HOME. You'd think leaving at 6AM would give me plenty of time, but I made it, even about 8 minutes late, due to Mapquest not telling me whether to turn left or right on the road where the restaurant is located.

I had bad coffee (this seemed odd for a Walker Brothers Pancake House, but I just went bleah when I tasted it, yet they kept filling my cup), 2 eggs over easy and a stack of 4 rather small (4" diameter?) pancakes, with the butter moved off but plenty of syrup (SUGAR!!!!). This should have been fine for my stomach and all, but my stomach/GI tract didn't feel well the rest of the day. Maybe I had bad eggs, or maybe it was the bad coffee, or maybe the food was just too rich for my finely-honed metabolism.

It took me 1:15 to drive back home--the highway was a parking lot--so this just put me in a great mood after meeting with an irate, yet passive-aggressive customer (he seemed so nice), and I had to figure out when I was going to get my workouts in, since I didn't have time to do my usual 6AM swim.

After I arrived home, I figured I had better summarize the damn meeting from my notes, lest all those thoughts disappear. Synopsis (from customer's viewpoint): I WANT, I WANT, I WANT, I WANT, I DESERVE. OK, fine. SO I finished the summary, and then decided I would run first, since I couldn't get into the pool until noon anyway.

10:29AM Run about 1 hour. The workout called for 15' Easy, 15' Steady MS: 20' Mod-Hard/z4 CD: 10' Steady. I was going to run outdoors, and I knew it was windy (15-25MPH sustained, with gusts to 35), so I figured I'd run out against the wind as best I could, and then try and pick it up on the way back, figuring I'd negative split because of a tailwind. As I began running, the wind really didn't bother me, and neither did the hills. But my stomach felt like total crap. It had been 3 hours since that "breakfast," yet it felt like I had indigestion, which is not common for me. Then again, it's not common for me to eat a breakfast like that unless I've done a workout beforehand. At any rate, while my legs and power had their usual "floatiness," my stomach felt like crap. I didn't worry about my intensity level, I just let it happen. I don't know how fast I was running, but my guess is 8:45-9:00mpm, which technically is "steady to slightly hard" for me. As I turned around after 30', I noticed that I wasn't really going to have a tailwind all the way back. The winds were WNW, and they seemed to keep coming in my face a lot of the time. No worries though, about 15' from being done, finally my stomach didn't feel "rotten," and I was able to consciously pick up my pace, at least I did based on my HR. I negative split the run by about 1:30, which is fine, and I figure I got enough intensity in there, what with battling the wind the entire time. But I didn't walk any hills!!!

12:22PM Swim 2600 yards, 57'. The swim wasn't good. While my stomach calmed down due to floating in water, my arms were just dead, and I guess my legs from the harder-than-I-thought running. I was supposed to do 2800 yards, and really I should have stopped sooner, but for some reason I pressed on through 2600. I just felt sluggish and sore. Serve me right for swimming right after a moderately hard run!

I came back home to a few fires at work, and got to listen to another irate customer, oh joy. Meanwhile, I thought my stomach was OK, and later I ate a nice trout filet for dinner, but instead of eating starch with it, I ended up snacking on fat-free string cheese and leftover Halloween candy. Not your ideal combination! About 1/2 hour before bedtime, my stomach started feeling horrible, all knotted up, so I took 1/2 serving of Pepto-Bismol and a couple of Maalox tablets, and that was enough to calm things down so I could sleep.

But when I woke up today, I had (still have) a headache, and my stomach is not right. I don't know what's going on, because I rarely have stomach issues, but one thing I know it means I am having mental/emotional issues. I'm sure it's just a part of this lovely experience I'm having, so I'm not concerned, or maybe I have an actual stomach bug.

At any rate, I'm trying to be nice to my stomach today, since I really want this to go away.

Musings

I am beginning to see that I am still who I thought I was, only now I can begin to know myself. And that knowing includes certain aspects of my personality that are just there, that some would argue are not "good," but I am not yet going for the complete overhaul.

I am still judgmental without expectations and realize that we all have our failings. That doesn't mean I can't make a conscious choice about who I associate with. Or that I can't have emotions about others that aren't necessarily shiny, happy ones. I do laugh at how I observe others judging me, and whereas it used to bother me, it no longer does. People like that just go on my discard list.

I am competitive. This is one of the big reasons for honing my mental skills. I want to see how far I can go in my athletic pursuits. Beginning after the Disney marathon in January, I am prepared to become more or less a hermit that eats, sleeps and exercises very precisely and purely. It will be an interesting experiment to see what life is like--not just for me, but how others react to it. Yet I know that I will continue to have my usual fun.

I did make a mistake the other day where I let my own curiosity get the better of me. I emailed J and asked what was going on with him. He did reply, but I am not going to read the email. I shouldn't have asked, and I don't need to know the answer. I am making progress!

Did have an interesting dream last night--I was at some sort of party thing that was divided into two rooms--the "cheap" room and the "expensive" room. I was at the cheap party. There was barely anything to eat or drink, but there were good, fun people to hang out with. I wandered into the expensive party, and there was a lavish buffet spread out, and most people had eaten, and I could have taken whatever I wanted, but I didn't. I returned to the cheap party. Then I put platinum blond hair color on my hair. In the dream I had a chin length, bob cut. I went outside to rinse off the hair color using a hose (!), and after rinsing and trying to dry my hair with a cheap towel, I went back inside to see how it looked. Well, I had these black roots about 2" long still showing! I wondered how I could have missed so much of my hair. Parts of it were a light brown, but the rest was platinum blond. I am not going to analyze this one!

Today's workouts

7:30AM Lifted weights, 1 set of 12 reps, except for abs/core where I do 2 sets of 15 reps. Took me 47' today. To give you an idea of my weight lifting routine, here are the number of exercises I do by body part:
Biceps: 5
Triceps: 4
Delts/rotators: 13
Pecs: 4
Lats/Traps: 5
Calves: 1
Ab/Adductors: 5
Glutes: 3
Hams: 4
Quads: 6
Abs/core: 12

No wonder my shoulders don't tire when swimming 2.4 miles! I will increase the sets to 2 in 3 weeks, and then hold there for quite a while. I used to go 3x12, 3x15, 3x20 and then 2x20 in my periodization, but since I added so many different exercises, it's just not practical for me to do that many sets, and it won't make that much of a difference anyway, as long as I keep doing 2 full-body workouts per week.

1:55PM Bike workout on trainer, 1:20, as follows:
15' warmup
3' spinups
3x(2' Z3 HR, 1' cd)
3x15' (2') FT
4' cd

Man, those FT intervals are FUCKING HARD!!! But I do them, and I make them HURT. I have to increase my cadence or gear on the 2nd and 3rd interval just to generate the same power. I averaged 155 watts each interval today. I want to be at 160 in 2 weeks. It's amazing I can even do this workout after lifting in the morning. 47' doesn't sound like a particularly long or intense strength session, but remember, I have all the weights in my house--no waiting, no wiping down, so my workouts are more like circuits, and if I rest more than 5", I stop the clock for how long I've been working.

I got a delivery of some new pink stuff from Nordstrom today. Cute, but I am not including a picture. I am waiting for new pink shoes to arrive.

I gave Shelley "the talk" today via email. By that I mean the talk about getting real about her training and racing goals. So many people say "I want to do X time" in a race without anything to base it on, other than the passage of time. Great, so you keep doing essentially the same thing, and expect to get faster. That's the definition of insanity! Anyway, I hope she doesn't get too pissed at me for telling it like it is.

My belief is that many coaches nowadays are actually capitalizing on the stupidity/gullibility of most athletes who figure if I just keep training long enough, I will achieve whatever arbitrary goals I've set for myself, and that if I also just pay a coach, I am even more likely to hit those goals. What coaches should be doing is understanding the athlete's past training and racing history, time available to train, expectations, and then work with the athlete to come up with a reasonable training plan that meshes with reasonable goals. This has to include periodic fitness measurements, or else it is just shooting in the dark. And the testing protocol has to be specific to the race distances. For example, it makes no fucking sense to extrapolate one's Ironman marathon time based on a 5K outcome, or even a standalone marathon! Triathlon running is not the same as standalone running, especially at the longer distances.

Enough of that rant.

Today's words of wisdom: GO FUCKING HARDCORE AGGRO OR GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!!!

Miscellaneous and Yesterday's Workouts

I am officially registered for Ironman Florida 2006, care of my friend, Shelley. My occupation is listed as "butt model," and hers is "butt model's bitch." Apparently, some participant list stalkers have noticed this and are "concerned." Fuck them. I haven't even seen Shelley since the first time we met in 2001 at our first Ironman in Lake Placid. Shelley is really cool--she's a little better at not appearing too aggro to others, whereas I guess I don't hide it very easily. Even though I really am not all that aggro, I mean how can you judge that from email anyway? (I know Shelley through the tri-drs LISTSERV.)

My friend Matt called me yesterday to tell me he noticed I had registered for IMFL. He also told me that Judy registered. I told Matt I didn't know that she was registering. He's probably a little confused by me saying that. Oh well. It is not like I'm going to call Judy and tell her, "Hey, I'm registered for IMFL TOO!!!" It's good to see she's making decisions on her own without my influence. She will, I'm sure, at some point be grateful that I "set her free."

I seem to be in a holding pattern. Right now I really don't care if I spend time at all with other people. I don't really need anything from them, or at least I want to not want to need anything from them. Oh crap--that is a desire. I didn't say I was perfect. I think I'm getting better at not caring about others' reactions to me or things I say, and I am also trying to just "be" without any qualifications. This is all very new to me. And I need to be careful that I'm not trying too much.

The fluidity and floatiness of my running lately is not due to more thinking, for sure. It's letting go. Funny thing is that of the 3 triathlon sports, typically I would say my worst is running. Now, I am still not a fast runner; but I am beginning to feel like a strong runner. I believe this is where some of the floatiness comes from. My legs are really strong, and I've practiced good cadence for a few years now, so I can finally stop thinking about that. Now, instead of feeling effort in my legs when I run, I only sense it in my cardiovascular system, mostly in the chest. This is a complete shift for me. Maybe this is how lifelong runners feel, but it's something I've had to develop on my own. I'm sure it helps to not weigh much, either, because I truly feel almost weightless now when I run. Then I also think it's affected by the extra core work I've been doing. Who knows? All I know is that this is a very precious gift I've been given to be able to experience this in the here and now, and what it has to do with anything else probably won't be revealed to me for awhile. But if it's only so that I can feel a pure sensation without any attachment to it, without any expectations of it continuing, without the need for my mind to interfere with it, then I am good with that.

The squirrels appear to have stopped digging at my lily bulbs. I may have a net loss of zero, but for sure all of the bulbs are not in their original holes! Oh well, so I will have mixed varieties here and there. If that's the worst outcome, I'll take it!

I had wanted to do 3 workouts yesterday: swim, lift and run, but I ended up only swimming and running. Swim: 2750 yards at 6:29AM for 1:03. Run: 50' at 1:48PM. I ran outside, it was coolish and windy, but still I was just in shorts and a tank top. Nothing else notable to report about the workouts. They were both good, and I was glad to get back in the swing of things after all the traveling this weekend, and taking a day off from it on Sunday.

Ciao!

Saturday's Workout and Weekend

Well, kids, on Friday afternoon I flew to Lost Wages. Took me about 10 hours total, between driving and flying to Atlanta, and then flying in. But I got to spend all of Saturday with my dear friend, Susan, and got to meet her SO, Wolfgang.

I stayed up way past my bedtime on Friday to talk to Susan about some of the stuff I've been blogging about. I've discovered I don't want anything from anybody right now. It may be hard for some people to deal with, but I'm not going to worry about it.

On Saturday morning, Susan dropped me off at a gym to run 2 hours. I decided on a treadmill run since it would keep me honest to not go too hard, plus I was tired, so the treadmill would keep me at a decent pace, and I just didn't have the planning fortitude to find someplace else to run. So I'm on there for maybe 2 minutes, and I have a power outage. In my CD player, that is. Damn it, I can't run 2 hours on a treadmill with nothing! So I called Susan, and nice person that she is, she delivered me some new batteries, and I was back in business!

I set the treadmill to a 6mph (10' per mile) and just ran. There was a guy lifting weights before I started, and we kept eyeballing one another sort of like who is going to last the longest? Well, that would be ME, of course! I can outwork anyone! He was taking all sorts of rest anyway, so he could have spent less than 1/2 his time in there.

I managed to have my floaty legs as I ran, and it didn't feel hard until about the last 10 minutes. But it wasn't that my legs were toast--I was just jet-lagged, tired, and messed up. Next, we went to Terrible's Casino for the buffet lunch, and I had a mimosa and a beer. That pretty much set me up.

Next we went to Tacopa, CA, to spend some time in the hot springs bath. It was me, Susan, Wolfgang, and Wolfgang's friend, Myron. We all got naked and went in. I am not shy, so I could care less we were naked. We only lasted about 15 minutes even though we could have stayed in for 1 hour. That water was HOT!!!

Then we went to a date farm, that was in this really cool area where you go into some of the mountains. It was nice and cool down there. They put old shirts on the dates so the birds don't eat them. Looks kinda funny on palm trees, but necessary. I bought some really good dates to bring home, and tried part of a "date shake," which was a little too rich for me. We drove back to Pahrump (where Susan lives), and then later, Susan, Wolfgang and I had dinner at a local Mexican joint with margaritas. They were GOOD!!!

I could have stayed up all night talking again, but I needed to catch a 7AM flight, so at 8:30 Susan and I bagged it so we could get up at 4:30. My body woke me up about 1/2 hour before to use the bathroom, as I was still on CST. Got to the airport, went through the X-rays, and they confiscated the miniature pyramid Susan had given me. I was going to put one or two Barbie dolls in there to meditate. Oh well, good thing I hadn't become attached to it.

I am finally back home, and fuck, I'm registered in Ironman Florida 2006 care of Shelley McKee. I actually hope I don't end up going because I have to do Ironman Hawaii right before it, but it's nice insurance nonetheless. Looks like I'll be doing 2 Ironman races next year either way!!!

I am wearing pink pajamas as I write, and I've ordered some more pink things which should come next week, and I am tired, but life is good, but as always BETTER IN PINK!!!

Today's Workout

Happy, happy! Well, not so much :) A 2-hour ride on the trainer: 45' warmup, 2x15' (2') at HIM watts, 20' steady, 20' HIM watts, 5'cd, then run 30' as best I could.

I could tell when I woke up that the week's intensity was catching up to me, even though I slept like a fucking rock last night (8.5 hours). I was able to hit the watts on the bike easily, though; however the run didn't feel as good as last week. Not bad--but I could feel the tiredness. Even still, I felt light and floaty, as usual!

Today I spend time on airplanes and in airports, en route to Pahrump, Nevada to visit my dear friend, Susan. Haven't seen her since October, 2004, when she came to support me at Ironman Hawaii. It will be nice to go to a completely new place, nice to meet her partner, Wolfgang, and just nice.

Today's Workouts

7:00AM Lift 50' solid. Although I was interrupted about halfway through by a chat session where I was being told how long and thick this guy's dick is. It was quite entertaining. At least he said 8"--many guys say 9". I am sure this is a guy, but I have no information about him other than he's a lawyer (maybe) and seems quite intelligent. I felt quite strong doing the workout, and not at all tired from yesterday's festivities.

1:25PM Bike 1:35, including 3x12' FT (2'). I got to ride OUTSIDE today!!! It was 68 at the time I left, with good winds. I like it windy when I'm doing intervals. Makes me push even harder. I used my road bike, which now has a Power Tap on it. I hate that thing. Piece of crap. There are so many wires. The thing is a contraption! And apparently, when you are in winds, it acts all flaky. But I think I still worked hard enough to achieve my FT watts during my work intervals. It was weird being on the road bike. It almost seems like I can ride harder on it than on the tri bike, but I'm sure it was just the change in position and equipment.

I can't believe I nailed two tough workouts today after what I did yesterday, Tuesday and Monday.

LIFE IS GOOD. And as always, BETTER IN PINK!!!

Why I Got Into Endurance Sports

I had an interesting thought today--not sure if it was during my run or during my swim or some other time. The thought was why did I get into the endurance sports in the first place, or rather HOW I got into them, and where I am now.

I started running in 1998, mostly just as a joke to see if I could, and then I entered my first 5K in the fall of that year. Because of this, I found out who other runners were where I worked, and found a sense of community in that. I thought this might be a good vehicle to make new friends, so I signed up with Team in Training for my first marathon in 1999, did a second one with that group, and then became a mentor for triathletes (what did I know then I was just starting out, too) in 2000. Then a man in Kona told me I would do an Ironman triathlon someday (this was in 1999), and so I started down that path.

Next, I joined a Masters swim team, also thinking this would be a good way to meet new people (maybe even men!), and things just exploded from there.

Now I find myself in a place where I don't really care if I make more friends, I think I can just do that and it will just happen, without placing other constraints or trying to be part of these groups and show how great I am or whatever it is I think I'm doing. Frankly, I think I train and race better when I do it by myself (well, race, anyway), and while it was a good ride when I was improving my skills at first, now it is not something I need.

I take triathlon pretty seriously, and have learned a ton about it and myself in the process, so I don't think I need to cling to the whole group thing any longer. Although there are certain people I would like to train with, I need to leave others behind now, and just make my OWN plans and do my OWN races and if others serendipitously get pulled into my echelon, fine. But if I don't want them there, I will tell them!

Isn't this an interesting about face? I partly got into a sport to make more connections, and now I need to let go of those connections so I can enjoy the sport. Reminds me of an Escher drawing--Liberation!!!

Today's Workouts

6:53AM Swim 2800 yards, 60'. Did not push my speed on the 100's today, just swam with good form. Afterwards, I couldn't believe how tired I was. I just wanted to go back to bed. I did lay down for maybe 15', but work kept calling so that was that. My running for the rest of the week is supposed to go like this:

• Wednesday: 60'
• Thursday: nada
• Friday: 30'
• Saturday: 1:30
• Sunday: 1 hour
  

but I'm going to visit a friend near Vegas (Pahrump, if you must know, home of CSI) for the weekend, so this morning I thought I'd like to not have to run on Sunday at all, since my flight leaves at 7AM, and although I'm back home around 4PM, I don't really want to have to do a workout at that point. So I thought I would change things a bit and do this instead:

• Wednesday: 1:15
• Thursday: nada
• Friday: 45'
• Saturday: 2:00
• Sunday: nada

Well, then I got to thinking, 1:15....1:30, may as well just do 1:30 today if it feels OK. Around noon I popped a can of Code Red, and took about 20' to drink it down, and felt ready to run. Also, the temperature reached 60, so it would be great running weather. I would run from my house. The only downside is that I would go East, and the winds were WSW, so I might have some headwinds on the way home.

I took off at 12:40PM, and I tried to take things easy, figuring I would be doing at least 9 miles, maybe more like 9.5. I felt like I was floating! I wasn't concerned about my heart rate, and right off the bat I felt all in the zone, floating along, relaxed, happy to be outdoors. My first mile split was 8:38, and that turned out to be my average pace for 10 miles! My slowest mile was 9:02, and that was the one from Clarendon Hills back up to Cass Avenue, which includes the infamous Shannon Fucking Lakes and Gradeschool climbs.

I feel like I am running with different form now and that I can get into the zone pretty quickly. I feel very different running now than I did even 2 months ago. It is quite a wonderful feeling! I’m sure it’s partly due to superior fitness, but I am convinced that is has something to do with my attention to myself, my mind and trying to observe myself and let go more often. Or at least I hope so!

IT’S ALL GOOD. FUCKING GOOD. EVEN BETTER IN PINK!!!

Last Night's Dream (11/01/2005)

I was on a beach of sorts. There was a ramp that you could walk on that went very far into the water, and there was a large boat going out to sea on it. I wanted to walk on the walkway, but someone told me that it was a boat launch, and so I should stay off it. I could see 2 boys swimming back towards shore very quickly--apparently the current would bring you back quite easily. So I wanted to go swim out, even though I knew it would be difficult, just so I could enjoy the ride back into shore. The water looked very inviting--sort of like Caribbean waters--crystal aqua against white sugar sand. For some reason, the people I was with didn't want to go swimming, so we decided against and walked away.

Here's what dream interpretation has to say:
Swimming
To dream that you are swimming, suggests that you are exploring aspects of your unconscious mind and emotions. The dream may be a sign that you are seeking some sort of emotional support. It is a common dream image for people going through therapy.
To dream that you are swimming underwater, suggests that you are completely submerged in your own feelings. You are forcing yourself to deal with your emotional difficulties.

Boat
To dream that you are in or see a boat, signifies you ability to cope and express your emotions. Pay particular attention to the condition and state of the waters, whether is is calm or violent, clear or murky, etc. Are you "smooth sailing"? Alternatively, you may be ready to confront your unconscious and unknown aspects of yourself.

Water
To see water in your dream, symbolizes your unconscious and your emotional state of mind. Water is the living essence of the psyche and the flow of life energy. It is also symbolic of spirituality, knowledge, healing and refreshment. To see calm, clear water in your dream, signifies that you are in tune with your spirituality. It denotes serenity, peace of mind, and rejuvenation.

I find it fascinating that the mind wants to work through and reinforce what's going on even in one's dreams. Yet I don't feel as centered as this dream might suggest. Or maybe I am and just don't know it.

Today's @%#@^$^@&*^ Workouts

6:15 AM I finished my weights--bis, delts and a little abs and core. 12' solid (I have a good Parabody machine and free weights in my house so I do a lot in a short amount of time--no waiting, no wiping things down!). Surprisingly, a little while after I finished I could feel the "ugh, I did a weight workout" heavy feeling, or else it was my body saying "nice, ANOTHER workout--we did THREE yesterday."

1:00PM Another killer bike workout: 15' warmup, 3' spinups, 3x(2' Z3 HR, 1' cd), 3x12' (2') FT, 3' cd. Those FT intervals are killer. During the last 2' of the last interval, all I can think is, "This is so fucking hard but I can get through it." Makes a lot of other things seem EASY. I get to do this workout again on Thursday. Oh joy!

Dream I Had Last Night

This just came back to me while having a chat with a coworker.

I have had some form of this dream numerous times. The dream is that I have just moved back into an apartment. In last night's version, the apartment came partly furnished--I remember one piece of furniture that was a sofa bed that was all ratty and gross (brown, too). I remember being in the kitchen wondering if there were glasses and pots and pans in there already (there were). I remember I had brought my own TV and was pleased to see there was a CATV hookup that would probably be free.

Here is what http://www.dreammoods.com has to say about dreams of moving:
To dream that you are moving away, signifies your desire or need for change. It may also mean an end to a situation or relationship and you are moving on. Alternatively, it indicates your determination and issues regarding dependence/independence.

I think I need to pay more attention when I have this dream. I will say that I usually wake up a little anxious, but today that didn't happen. All I thought was, "hmmm......THAT dream again." In the past, I have thought this dream signified that I wanted a return to the past where life was simple and I wasn't so concerned about too many things. The last time I lived in an apartment was when I was 28, and I remember that time as very carefree, just letting things happen. I met my then future husband, and we moved into a rented house. About 2 years later we got married and moved into the house that I still live in. We've been divorced 11 years, and here I'm dreaming about life before I was married. Interesting.....my life did seem much less complicated then. And yet as much as I try to keep my life simple, it seems complicated. I think I'm moving towards simplification again. Less things, less people, less commitments.

Ch....ch.....ch.....ch.....changes (turn and face the strain)

Good Morning!

This is two days in a row that I have woken up feeling really refreshed. Well, yesterday I a little sore and stiff; whereas today I feel GREAT. No scrolling again this morning when I woke up. Except that now I am a little concerned that I feel good, so I will forget about doing the work that I need to do. I think that just by committing to journaling here I will keep things rolling.

I had a short chat conversation with a woman I know who I met through Masters swimming about 3 years ago. She is a really good swimmer. At the time, I was the only person in Masters who was doing Ironman triathlon, and I used to get made fun of, like triathletes aren't "real" swimmers. Well, I'm not a real swimmer--I just learned 4 years ago--however, I do swim fairly well. Anyway, over time, this woman (Mary Jo) took up triathlon and she and another woman both did their first Ironman this year. Mary Jo has turned into quite a good athlete--she had it in her from her years of swimming, I think.

Anyway, Mary Jo and I talked a little about what we're doing next year, and I mentioned I am doing an indoor 1/2 Ironman in a few weeks. She asked if my friend Judy is doing it, and I said no, I'm doing it by myself. We talked a little about that (my relationship with Judy--OK that's something I should talk about here), and I stated that I really need to train with people as strong as or stronger than me, even if it's just traveling to places to train.

Training for Ironman is NOT a team sport! I need to do what's best for me in order to achieve what I want to achieve. Perhaps that sounds selfish, but too bad. I am at a different level physically and mentally than I was just 6 months ago, and I need to keep building on that to get where I want to go. I thought I would try the "training buddy" thing, and I did, and it was fun, but I'm over that now. Perhaps I will find a happy medium at some point, but I find I just hold myself back if I'm around others who aren't as strong. BAD, BAD, BAD!!!!!

It seems as if I am returning to my single-minded focus of the physical, doesn't it? Believe me, I know it will be a challenge to keep the spiritual stuff moving forward. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on your perspective), I find it best for me to be more anti-social in order to work on what's inside me, at least for awhile. Part of me is screaming out GO OUT WITH YOUR FRIENDS, and the other part is screaming STAY INSIDE YOUR OWN HEAD!!!

Towards that end, I am going to Pahrump, Nevada for the weekend, to visit a friend, Susan. I am a little skittish about this, but I think it will be a good opportunity to "debut" myself after about a month of isolation. Susan's good people. She will be OK with me no matter how I am. I am sure we will have some interesting conversations, and also some big silences. I need to not develop anxiety over this! Certainly I will have plenty of time to read on the plane(s) there and back.

I guess there are still a number of things going through my head, meaning no shortage of things for me to work on!

Today's workouts

Three of them:

1. Swim 2750 yards, technique workout (6:10AM, 1:03)
2. Lift 1 set 12 reps, legs, back, chest, tris, abs and core (9:30AM, 40')
3. Run 50' as 25' easy to steady, 15' strides, 10' steady. Did the first 25' on the treadmill and the rest on the indoor track.

I am pretty tired, especially after yesterday's workout plus yard work. Funny thing I've noticed I have no desire for conflict, deep thought or much mental stuff beyond just getting through my work day. Mondays are starting to be like this more and more, so it's not entirely unexpected. And Mondays are going to become more difficult as the lifting increases, not so much weight, but sets are going to go up and also reps. This is always tough on my physically, but I come out of it very strong, so it's worth it.

I wonder if a return to normal amounts of sleep (for me) is a signal that I've done "enough" self-awareness work for now? Perhaps....I do feel like I'm letting go of some crap, and I'm also very much looking forward to the next few months. My life is going to get crazy again. Let's hope that this time I'm much more mentally prepared.

OK, I'm too tired to type any more.

Ciao, peace out, but here is a snippet of some lyrics from the song, "Keep Control," that I feel has some relevance to me:

i break up all the things behind me
going on the other way
try to find myself again slowly
to move on the other day
all the nights i kept my eyes open
all the days i tried to sleep
wash away the troubles around me
did not see i fell too deep

Nothing much to report yet

I slept well last night. 9 hours! Woke up once to pee is all, I think (3-4 times is normal--I drink water throughout the night). Brain did not scroll upon waking. Perhaps this is due to 2 hours of yard work and another 2 hours of cooking after my run? I am joking, of course. I think most people would be a little tired out after all that.

My total workout time for last week was 13.86 hours. Not too shabby! I get to repeat that same week this week, minus 1 hour, because I won't be able to swim 3 times (crap). Going to Vegas on Friday!

I should be able to run outdoors today. Nothing on the Doppler radar. Oh--I LOVE Doppler radar!

Off to the pool for a technique session. Let's see who all makes it to the pool this early today.

After my 10/02/05 solo marathon 

Today's Workout

Run 1:30 as 30' easy, 20' steady, 20' upper steady, 20' mod-hard. Did this on the treadmill. Why do I enjoy this workout more as it gets harder? Maybe just because I'm getting closer to the end of it. I don't run as fast on a treadmill as I do outdoors. I go by feel either way, but the treadmill always feels harder to me, so I run at a slower pace. No matter--I can usually punch it outdoors.

Not that I'm a fast runner--not at all--so when I talk about "punching it" it's relative to ME.

One thought I had while I was running--I remember how last year I thought I had been able to "be in the moment" during the marathon of the 2 Ironman races I did, and I remember thinking I needed to extend that to the rest of my life. Now I think I am able to do that during my training workouts--just relax and let it go. I think this is why I'm able to go faster (OK, so training helps, too) and it doesn't bother me so much. And I'm not afraid of it--I don't think I'm going to fall apart. So that's another one down--long distance race, training workout, regular life is next. I can't wait! Well, yes I can--I don't have a choice, now do I?

Interesting chat conversation

If what this guy says is true, then well, I don't know what to say; but let's see where my current journey takes me and whether this really holds water:

chicagolawyer73: I appreciate your candor
chicagolawyer73: esp. while first chatting
chicagolawyer73: it is nice
chicagolawyer73: you are very open
wahine69: almost too open, I think
chicagolawyer73: lol - given what you told me earlier, perhaps not open enough
wahine69: it's a fine line
chicagolawyer73: yes
chicagolawyer73: i find I am open online too
wahine69: I have nothing to hide, really
chicagolawyer73: I can see
wahine69: what would be the point?
chicagolawyer73: none, really
chicagolawyer73: though may I make an obesrvation?
wahine69: shoot
chicagolawyer73: you're a very aggressive person
wahine69: didn't I say that?
chicagolawyer73: probably work very hard as well, more hrs than most
chicagolawyer73: (building up to it - hang on)
wahine69: ok
chicagolawyer73: your training takes an inordinate amt of time
chicagolawyer73: and due to both, you are usually pretty fired up and enthused about the task at hand
chicagolawyer73: though also tired and out of energy at times too, b/c you train so har
chicagolawyer73: hard
chicagolawyer73: making the times when you meet a man very intimidating, by virtue of how wired you are and lack of time, as well as goals
chicagolawyer73: *fin*
wahine69: wow you are good
wahine69: you said the "I" word
chicagolawyer73: I told you - just give me a chance to show my stuff
chicagolawyer73: "intimidating"
chicagolawyer73: i do not intimidate easily
chicagolawyer73: if at all

Thoughts upon waking up

As I said yesterday, one of the times I find my mind scrolling is right when I wake up. Sometimes I actually have a productive thought when that happens. This morning's thought was:

Why don't I ask J why he treated me so poorly when I was with him?

Which of course, then leads me to ask:

1. Would I really ask him this question?
2. Would I really expect an honest answer?
3. Why do I want to know the answer to that question?
4. What do I hope to do with the answer from that question?

Now THIS is mind scrolling at its best!

Would I actually ask him this question?
I want to. It's a loaded question. It implies the forgone conclusion is that he did treat me poorly. But now that I'm trying to become a little more self-aware, I suppose the real question is one that I can't ask him, which is why did I feel so bad after having spent time with him? I'll go ahead and try and answer that now, because then maybe the rest of the questions become moot. Here's what I sensed:

• I came all the way from Chicago and was all dressed up and thought I looked nice. When I got off the plane I got nothing like "You look great" or "I'm happy to see you." Ostensibly, the reason we were getting together in the first place was primarily to have sex, but what the fuck? I mean, part of making that a great experience is acknowledging the full sensory/sensual package, isn't it? I did say to him I was happy to see him.
• He was dressed like crap. I had told him (and I suspect he thought I was joking) that I would be dressed to the nines--I really didn't expect him to reciprocate, but I expected a little more than "I just got done working on my car" attire.
• Other than when we were actually having sex, he barely touched me. Well there was that one time where he put his arms around me in bed early in the morning. That sort of shocked me. But as the weekend wore on (and I think it must have really wore on him), it appeared that he really wanted nothing to do with me.

So, in summary, I expected to be acknowledged and honored. While I know I need to work on having lesser expectations all around, was that really too much to ask? So then I found myself trying to convince myself while I was with him that what was happening was OK. And that, my friends, I think is what sent me into a spiral. I was not being true to myself. I should have said something right then and there, like, "You are treating me like fucking crap." That would have put a damper on things! I suppose that's one reason why I didn't say anything. I mean, I did enjoy the sex (not sure whether he actually did or not, he's a guy after all it probably doesn't matter).

So I prostituted myself. I guess I got what I deserved, didn't I? The other thing I had hoped for was that we could be friends, maybe friends with benefits. This is why I took this as a loss, that together with having to put my cats to sleep and owning up to not being OK with the DNF at Ironman Wisconsin and sensing that I was generally out of whack. Even though J wouldn't touch me, we did have some really interesting conversations, and I find him to be very refreshing in many ways. Hell, I may have even crewed for him at a 24-hour race, but that is now totally out of the question (wait, I can't predict the future, can I?).

Would I really expect an honest answer?
Um.....no....he's a guy, and I don't think he's been very honest about a number of things. Let's see--"I'm really great in bed" (uh......no you're not....maybe average), "I've done all these wild things sexually" (uh.....no you haven't you freaked out when I suggested something a little different including a leash and collar). There were more. So no, I would not expect an honest answer, so why bother asking? All talk and no action. Maybe what happened is that he found me totally repulsive. I suppose that could be it. And what would I do if I asked the questions and that's what he told me? I would feel even worse.

Why do I want to know the answer to that question?
The real question I want answered is WHY DO I FEEL SO FUCKING BAD ABOUT THIS? And when will it stop? This reminds me of my divorce (aHA, you say). What it came down to was I let myself not be myself in order to make this person happy. Or was it myself that I thought I was making happy by doing this? Either way, a very unhealthy way to behave. What does this tell me? As "wear my heart on my sleeve" that I think I am, I am actually quite good at subjugating my real feelings in order to get what I think I need from others (aside: isn't it funny that the day after you've been digging and rooting around in the garden you blow your nose and actual dirt comes out?).

So this self-awareness thing should have many good effects on me. Will I avoid situations like this? It's not so much avoidance as it is being aware of myself and being in and dealing with the here and now.

What do I hope to do with the answer to that question?

Well I've already established that even if the question were asked, I wouldn't get an honest answer, and the question I wanted to ask isn't the real question at all, so now what have I learned from this?

I need to be more self-aware and in the moment and true to myself, even if it means things might not turn out the way I want.

That was a lot for one single waking thought....