Bitch, Slut and Whore on Granite

That's the granite that's going in my foyer. I can't say for sure yet, but it may be nicer than the vanity top that will be in the new bathroom upstairs.

Aaaaaaaanyway...the girls are enjoying it...I hope to eventually, too!

Awesome Thanksgiving

Despite waking up really early (again), I motivated to the Y to kick off the day with a swim. When I got there, there were about 5 triathlon peeps that I know, we all said hi to one another, and asked them what they were doing. They said they were doing a tri, and I asked how much--:45 swim, 5K (a local race that I did 2 years ago) and a 1-hour spin class. I told them I was doing one, too--1 hour swim, 1 hour run and 2 hour ride. It was nice to see so many people going at it on a holiday!

I really enjoyed my swim, and since I'm trying to be on some sort of training plan, and at this point I've only got my swim workouts in there, I just did what I had scheduled for Friday. The water had been cooled down from the hot, boiling soup of Wednesday, and so it felt really nice, and I swam pretty well, all things considered.

I had worn my running clothes to the Y so I could just drive from there to Waterfall Glen to run. It was still around 32, so I made sure I dried off completely before dressing. I had hoped the trail would be very sunny, but since there are a lot of oak and pine trees in there, it wasn't full-out brilliant sun.

My back was still funky from my Wednesday road run, so I took things really easy, running just under 10:00MPM pace, which killed me mentally, but I knew it was the right thing to do. I want my back to heal up right, and I don't want to fuck it up in the name of going too hard too soon. I would have done that 5K race, but that would have been too risky. Anyway, I enjoyed the run, and it was funny that on the way back in there were hordes of people in there just walking! I guess it's been a few years since we've had good weather on Thanksgiving, so it was nice to see so many people out enjoying at least sun, no snow, no rain, no sleet!

I drove back home and waited for a friend to come over so we could ride on the trainer (I have two of them--well, actually 3, but #3 is a last-resort backup), and we got started a little later than we planned, so we only got in 1:45 of riding, but that was fine. The objective was to do a decent amount of exercise in order to be able to eat somewhat with abandon!

However, Thanksgiving dinner wouldn't be on until at least 3PM, so we had some Endurox and a slice of pizza that I had left over from Wednesday. Wednesday afternoon I got a pizza for Kenny (the contractor) and I, and it was perfect recovery food!

Next, off to the parents of my niece's fiance for dinner. It was an easy drive to get there, but on roads that I don't normally drive on, so it was good I had a navigator with me. Dinner was great, and the attendees were an interesting mix of many ages and perspectives. When it was time to actually sit down to dinner, being that there were 2 tables set up taking up a lot of room in the living and dining rooms, someone called out, "Who is the skinniest person that can fit over here?" And like immediately there were all these fingers pointing at me! I laugh at this because I never think of myself as skinny, but I know I am small compared to a lot of people!

There was so much food, and I ate a decent amount, but I can't eat a lot at a time, and when you are not hosting the meal, it's not like you can then go and pick at the leftovers in the kitchen, which I would normally be doing. But it was OK.

My back loosened up pretty well as a result of well, just being relaxed and being with family and friends. I let my family in on all the remodeling I was having done and looked forward to its completion and then it was just odd that we started talking about Christmas, and all I could think was, shit, it's almost that time! But at the same time, I thought, you know what? My house is going to be all great looking and stuff and that means I can have everyone over--not for Christmas, but sometime in January before I start racing and stuff. That would be a great way to sort of sign off on all the remodeling and move on with things, right?

Then I had a great evening talking and hanging out with a friend, and so it was a very full day, and it felt, in a way, like I am integrating all this stuff into my self now, and it's still a bit uncomfortable and difficult at times, but I do have all these wonderful people around me, my body is healing, my spirit is healing and you know what? This morning when I woke up, I felt like things were bright. I mean you know sometimes you open your eyes and it's your eyes that are the window to your soul and they both control how you "see" what's outside yourself and that, in turn, controls what you let inside yourself, and if you see darkness, then that's what comes inside. And I didn't feel at all dark when I woke up. Maybe a bit swirly still with everything that has happened and is happening now, but I know everything is going to be OK, and it's actually OK now.

So I guess I did a NothingMan yesterday, we'll call it Olympic distance since I only ran a little over 10K. Assuming my back keeps progressing well, I'm thinking I can get in a 1/2 NothingMan in 4 weeks, which is Christmas week! That would be absolutely perfect, because then I'm 4 weeks out from my first indoor triathlon, and a 1/2 will show me that I'm in good shape and ready to add intensity to everything. I like intensity!

I don't know whether I'll get into the Black Friday madness today or not--at this point, all I need to buy is some light bulbs, a few lights and a new toaster! Yes, even though my little old toaster still worked, I decided to pitch it into the dumpster and spring for a new shiny one! So I'll be going toaster shopping, picking up my beautiful granite tile, doing some raking and getting a massage! Sounds like a pretty low-key day to me.

And I have 2 more days after today off. This is turning into a great weekend!

A Mix of Good and Bad; Happy and Sad

I had a good swim this morning despite the water being pretty warm. Next, I headed to Century Tile to pick out (what I thought I'd get) marble for the front foyer. Well, my eyes lasered on black granite, and that's what I bought! It's beautiful (pic in a few days), and has flecks of gold and blue in it. I thought pure black would look better next to the zebra carpet than mostly white, and besides, it won't show dirt as much.

Home Depot called about the bathroom furniture. It's being made in China! It won't start shipping until 12/8, but I've got assurance I'll get fashion updates as it makes its way to me. Hopefully that's 2--at most 3--weeks to installation.

Kenny bought what he thought might work on the black toilet, but it doesn't, so this weekend I'm going to see if I can hunt down the exact Kohler parts so we have them Monday when he returns to do some miscellaneous stuff.

I ran today outside, and it was much better than last week. My glutes didn't hurt at all, my knees felt fine, and my right shin only pinged for a few minutes. My back didn't really bother me much at all until about 4 miles into 6 miles, so things are headed in the right direction.

My shower is installed, but I can't use it until next week when the window is sealed, and then if I can get the remaining toilet parts this weekend, I'll have a semi-working bathroom so I can begin sleeping upstairs in my bed fulltime! Fuck, that will be nice!

I would have had the custom shades installed today, except the mounting hardware was missing! Luckily, Bali customer service is great, and I called and explained the missing parts, and they should be here next week. I can live without them.

Kenny will be here just Monday next week to put a new faucet in my kitchen sink and a few other miscellaneous things like the window trim in the new bathroom, and hopefully finish up the toilet, and then he's outta here for the rest of the week, returning the following Monday when I'm in Orlando to tile my foyer and family room. This stuff will get done!

I've updated the remodeling Flicker folder, if you want to see pics.

I also created a folder of the pics from NothingMan 2008, since I never really aggregated everything together. Yeah, it's bittersweet to look at some of them, but it happened, it was real, and I cannot erase it from my life or memory.

I got my last call from the grief counselor, and she listened to all the things that have happend to me in the last 2 weeks--I hurt my back, a lobster attacked me, I ended a relationship that I am still very sad over, and now it's Thanksgiving--another holiday that will remind me that my Dad is gone, but I will be spending it with the family I have left, and for that I am truly grateful. Before I eat, though, I plan on working out for 4 hours so that I have a good appetite going.

So I guess things are getting better.

Pretend It's OK

As I've needed to do for the past 3 years now, today is one of those days I am going to try and pretend everything is OK. That everything isn't getting to me, that everything isn't crashing around me, that I am living some sort of normal life.

Deep breaths...

To the positive, I am starting to see some power returning on the bike! Or rather, maybe I should say I care about the power. It's only when I care about it that I can make the numbers go higher, even though it hurts to do so. Huh. That was an interesting statement. I could have just said, "I care so much that I want it to hurt." I could go on and on about that...and have done so here before, but I'll leave it like that.

In other remodeling news (the entire saga is documented in pictures here)...

My upstairs bathroom, which should have been finished last week, won't be finished until next week. I hope it gets finished next week. There have been several snafus that have contributed to this:

1. Home Depot hasn't figured out where the hell the furniture is. They are supplying it from a vendor who is then going through another vendor, and when I spoke to them yesterday, I asked them to tell me just what they were going to do. No, make that I told them what they were going to do. They need to tell me that 1) the stuff exists, i.e., we are not waiting for the fucking trees to grow or some Amish people (apologies) to build it and 2) where the hell is it. And then I am going to make them get it here by Monday next week at their cost. I have paid for this stuff, they have my money and I have nothing.
2. Kohler forgot to put the tank bolts, tank gasket and caps in the shipment of my custom black toilet. I called Kohler yesterday and first this chic is insisting that the gasket is factory installed, but I can tell she's just reading from a customer service script, and Kenny and I are on the speaker phone with her (he knows his toilets), and she says they can send me the kit for free but it will take 7-10 business days! What a crock! Well, I'm having those Wisconsin hosers at Kohler (pronounced Koal-er) send me the kit so I can get the black caps, and Kenny is going to see if he can find the other parts (which will run me maybe $10) elsewhere this morning so at least he can finish installing the toilet.
   

So today's remodeling will include:

• grout bathroom walls
• finish toilet install
• install shower trim and door
• install custom pleated shades in office and spare bedroom
• dumpster gets hauled away
• install new faucet and sprayer in kitchen

If the furniture comes in next week, the upstairs bathroom will be finished!!! And I'll be able to use it except there will be no sink. I can deal with that, which means I'm back to sleeping in my own bed. Actually, I've been sleeping downstairs to start, and then I go upstairs, and I've been alternating up and down since I am still not sleeping normally. It's all just part of the fucked up mess of my life right now!

But wait--I'm not done yet! I'm going to sign up to have Kenny tile the family room walkway from the back door up to the stairs. It will be the same white tile that is now in the downstairs bathroom, closets and laundry room. That will pull everything together until I remodel the family room completely. Then, we are going to remove the crappy brown tile near the front door and replace it with marble (white with black streaks). I want to have this done before I lay down the zebra rug! So hopefully I can get this done while I'm out of town in 2 weeks, since you need to not walk on the floor while the tile is put down and then grouted.

So it is looking like (fingers crossed) I will be contractor free next week, and then the entry way floor tile gets installed while I'm out of town, and then I come home and we lay down the zebra carpet in the living room and I'm done until next year!!!

I just figured that if I was going to do the entryway tiling, may as well do it now to get all the dust stuff done with and then I can do one more big full cleaning (mainly dusting) and I can settle in for the winter.

Funny how all of this started out as install new windows and doors.

In other news, I am going to give out and out running another shot today. I've been hanging with the elliptical trainer to help my back heal, since there were major compression forces. I've added in some running on the indoor track, and that has felt OK (and I can run at a pretty good pace!). Today is supposed to be a nice day, so I'm going to head outdoors and see how it goes. Tomorrow is supposed to be even nicer, and I'm going to treat myself by driving to Waterfall Glen so I can run on dirt, which should be awesome. I'm lucky in that my Y is going to be open from 7-11 tomorrow, too, so I'm going to kick off the day with a 1-hour swim and then do my run and then some biking. I guess I might have to write it down as if I'd done a triathlon, huh? We'll see. I need to see how running feels today. Fingers crossed!

I'm writing this post sort of backwards and inside out. I woke up this morning about 3AM, and was just laying there thinking did I want to pull the trigger on the additional tile work or not, and how much more money will I be spending (I'm not finished paying for the upstairs bathroom yet and just paid a gigantic Visa bill), and I have it and one of my issues has been just spending the fucking money, but I'm spending it now, eh? And I was thinking about all of this shit in my life coming to closure and why do I keep extending things almost like I don't want to be done!

But, I am training. That is my rock right now. Several blog readers have sent me just the nicest emails about how they've hung with me through all this shit (and face it, some just enjoy the nearly naked pics), and while this started out as a triathlon blog, it hasn't been so much about triathlon lately, has it? But the training is there, it is coming back, and I am certain that I will turn back into a hardcore triathlete soon enough! I have a race in 8 weeks, and damn it, I want to do well! Even if it is just a stinky indoor triathlon! And I'm looking forward to my jam-packed 2009 triathlon schedule.

If you're in the US, Happy Thanksgiving, and if you're not, get out and train!

Why Do Things Keep Being Taken Away from Me?

Did I ask for this? I'm losing people close to me, my sense of self, everything. Things do not replace them. When will I be OK? I'm not seeing it. More black than white.

Fuck it

Nobody is forced to read anything. You don't like it, look away.

Today's the Big Day

This is the picture from the post I deleted on Sunday. These are things given to me that at the time, I thought I was going to toss them all out. I have a few hours to decide...

...where I throw out reminders of much of the last 25 years of my life. The dumpster will be dropped off today, and we'll fill it with all the remodeling debris as well as a bunch of other stuff that I've decided needs to go in the process.

Someone told me that it will be emotional. As I gather up the last vestiges of stuff that I should have tossed out years ago from the crawl space, yes, I am beginning to cry.

I'm crying because I did the dumpster thing a year ago at my Dad's house, emptying its contents and trying to find some shreds of things that I wanted to keep or my siblings would like to keep. Today will remind me of that.

I'm crying because in terms of possessions, I now have everything that I have ever wanted--all the decorative objects you could imagine, a practically brand-new redecorated (for the most part) house, I don't need to train that much right now, I'm getting some time off this weekend, my back is healing, lawyers in Illinois and Colorado are working diligently on my behalf to get my Dad's Estate closed, I'm apparently not sick, I'm going to Florida in 2 weeks on business (but happy to get into warmer weather regardless), I'm going to pay someone to rake up the rest of the leaves in my yard and cut down the perennials so I can enjoy this weekend, I'm having my new garage door installed next week. On the surface, an entirely new life is coming my way. I should be happy, right?

I'm crying because a relationship that I really wanted to make work, and where I felt for the first time in my life that I was truly in love, has ended. All I wanted was a shred of a sign that the supposed love would have a chance to grow, but all I got was nothing. It still hurts like hell. I'm not done here. I have decided not to throw out the glasses and necklace from NothingMan. They mean something to me.



I am not sure what I am going to do when all of this finishes. Who will I be? Will I still remember myself, the parts of me at least that aren't broken or hurt? Will I think this was all worth it? Do I even know why I decided to do all of this? Or rather, why all of this change was thrust upon me? Even though I generally consider myself fairly adept at handling change, am I going to handle it when it's no longer a work in progress, but it's finished?

The last year has changed me. The last 3 months have changed me even more. Am I going to be able to put a date on the calendar, today perhaps, and mark it as "Sheila V2.0?" What does that program look like?

Did I really need to go through 3 years of sadness, death and extreme change to get here? Is that the only way? Can I go back? Can I be happy again? I mean truly happy! Certainly I've had some bright spots in the last 3 years, but underneath it all has been this current of sadness and destruction. Will I come to life again? Will I recognize myself?

Step 1: Throw everything out that I no longer need.
Step 2: Wake up tomorrow. See how that goes.

That's as much of a plan as I have right now.

All NIN, All Pain, All the Time

That is all I can stand to listen to right now. Usually, I'm miss Techno (ask anyone). Techno drives my energy, it gets me into my training pain zone. Now it's just NIN. Usually I'm pretty bad at hearing the lyrics to songs, but not any more. Everything NIN is speaking to me. I'm a little like Reznor, don't you think? I have this thing for feeling things intensely--the high of highness, the low of lowness, and the pain of, well, pain. I truly enjoy all the different variants of pain--it's the one thing that lets you know you are alive! When you cease to feel pain, then you are dead. I'm not dead. Pain is OK. Even though I'm experiencing physical and spiritual pain, they are OK. Sometimes you just need to give in to it. After all the crap that has happened to me in the past 12 months, I can't even begin to think of anything worse. BUT, there could be a lot worse. I am grateful for all the good in my life, and it is because of that that I can immerse myself in the pain. I know it will end. And I know it will be back again. But hey, so will I.

Weekly Workout Totals 11/17/2008-11/23/2008

As I always say, no matter how I feel, I need to keep doing, and believe it or not, I actually cooked yesterday! What it is is scallops with red and green bell peppers, onion, garlic, peas (my modification to the recipe) and lots of Tabasco. It's simple to make, but really good, and it qualifies in my book as actual cooking. Roasting a chicken, making a salad, broiling a steak or taking something out of the freezer to microwave do not constitute cooking in my book.

Wanting to cook is a good sign.

The last 2 nights I slept 7 hours. And that is actual sleep. What I've been recording as sleep lately is the amount of time I'm in bed, even though there have been a few hours nightly where I am just laying there thinking, and it's interesting that I can lay there for like 2 hours and the time goes by quickly.

Beginning to sleep normally again is a good sign.

I made myself work out every day this week except Saturday. Friday and Saturday I felt like I was sick again, but you know it's the sickness of grief. Grief over losing someone that I truly loved with all my heart, because when you do that, you lose a part of yourself. I spoke my peace to him in a very long email which I have no idea if he read or not. I reread it myself maybe 20 times, and could not come up with anything more or different to say. In essence what it came down to was this: don't call it love if you won't do anything for it. If he was willing to give me a shred of something that demonstrated he was willing to work for it, I would have taken it, and still would. But I think that door has been closed, since in asking him what he could or would do, he replied, "Nothing."

Yesterday I felt pretty good actually, since I got some sleep and no longer felt sick. Imagine that! My back is still healing, and it still hurts at times, but I can distinguish the pain of making the muscles do what they are supposed to do and the repair process. Even if parts of my back hurt while I'm exercising, the fact that things feel better the next day tells me I'm doing the right thing.

I'm ready to build my training plan for the remainder of this year and 2009. That is a good sign.

Don't be misled--I am still in a very dark place. I just realized where I've been for the past 4 weeks or so, only I wasn't sure where it was. Now I know where it is, which means I can begin to find my way out, and I am doing that.

Anyway, I managed to do some decent training last week:

Weekly Workout Totals	11/17/2008-11/23/2008 This week's totals are sponsored by the darkness
Swim:	9100 yards (5.16 miles) in 3.15 hours; 25% of weekly workout time; approx. 1103 calories burned Canadian: 8321.04 meters
Bike:	Approx. 73.51 miles in 4.2 hours; 34% of weekly workout time; approx. 1891 calories burned; Total TSS=222 Canadian: 118.3 kilometers
Run:	Approx. 25.63 miles in 4.02 hours; 32% of weekly workout time; approx. 1828 calories burned Canadian: 41.25 kilometers
Strength:	1.15 hours; 9% of weekly workout time; approx. 288 calories burned
All Sports:	Approx. 104.3 miles in 12.52 hours; approx. 5110 calories burned Canadian: 1.25 kilometers
Sleep:	6.14 hours avg./night
Stretching:	1.07 hours. Massage: 1.25 hours

By the Way, I'm Fucking Sad

I tried, I really tried. But I guess I failed. What the hell is wrong with me???

The Beginning of Nothing

I've Gone Underground

If you're reading this, you've received an invite to be a reader of my blog. I may not be posting anything for awhile--I really can't say. I put something up that I shouldn't have, and my head is swirling right now and so I am making a commitment to stay off the Internets for awhile, which includes Blogger, Flickr and Facebook.

If you want to get in touch, you already should have my email address, since I have yours.

If someone you know asks about getting access to the Crackhead, send 'em my email address, and tell them to identify themselves, and if I know them, I'll add 'em.

I don't really think that many people read my blog anyway, but many end up on it via Google, and while the posts will still show up in search with a short blurb, clicking on the reference will go to the Blogger page asking you to log in.

Again, I don't know when or if I'll start posting again--you never know. I may surprise myself. I may need to cull some other posts off of here, so if there are any particular favorites, lemme know so I don't delete them.

I may go back to being public at some point--I just don't know right now.

If any of you thinks I'm on a ledge, well, all I can say is that I'm close. Day by day. Always.

Crackhead

I am so hurt

Nothing like getting a massage and getting the full report on your injuries. My right leg is bruised over my quads and my shin. The gash in my shin is definitely going to scar--a little chunk of my leg was taken out. My left glute now has a nice bruise around the cut (which I'm told is also fairly deep), and the lower part of my left glutes is also bruised. All the muscles up and down my spine are spasming intermittently.

I cried for myself during this massage. I don't think I've ever felt so hurt. At one point I asked Shawna to please find something on me that isn't injured. I just hope that my underlying strength helps me to heal. I am lucky that I have a few people who will take care of me or are at least trying to. Now I have a nice huge mirror in front of my bed so I can look at myself and see just how bad everything is. I'm almost scared to do that, but I know it needs to be done. On the bright side, my eyes turn bright green when I'm crying. They never look so pretty as when I'm sad and crying. Isn't that ironic?

Fuck.

Whole Lotta Stuff

Yesterday was a very full day for me. I managed to swim (pool was hot, I was slow; but back and glutes felt great) and run (glutes hurt like hell--back seemed to do OK; running on concrete didn't help!), cleaned up Bitchie, stretched a little bit, did some lawyer-y stuff, chatted with the guys building the new bathroom, accepted 3 separate deliveries (!), and worked (work work) my ass off. See how much one can accomplish with very little sleep?

I didn't sleep much again last night--partly because I'm sleeping on the sofa bed downstairs with strange blankets, partly because my back is pretty gnarly (but that hard sofa bed actually seems to be good for it), partly because I'm still so jazzed about the remodeling, partly because there's a whole lot of estate activity, partly because I'm paranoid about Thanksgiving coming and do not want to get sick or more injured, and partly because there's other shit I'm dealing with personally right now.

But I am letting the sleep thing be, because I know that if I stress out about not sleeping it will get worse. So instead, I've been using the "extra" time to my advantage, knocking out all sorts of things, so that once the remodeling is done next week (although big surprise--I may have some flooring work done!), I will only need to rake up leaves over the Thanksgiving weekend!

I really enjoyed cleaning up Bitchie--I always do! There is something about cleaning up a beautiful bike that just puts a smile on my face. I especially enjoyed getting into her crotchal areas and lubing her up. I ended up putting new rubber on her, too, as the old stuff was pretty worn. Below are shots of her from various angles, ending with the finished product in front of one of the new doors in my family/rec room. Sadly, I have no plans to ride her until almost June, since I leave LGL on the trainer for the winter. But who knows? There might be a surprise winter trip to someplace warm, and I just might decide to take her along!

Front fork, stem and bars. I love her front crotchal area!

Bottom bracket and crank, baby!

More bottom bracket and chainrings

Here she is flipped over prior to the final lubrication

Here she is with her new rubber!

One of the items that was delivered to my house yesterday is this chinup bar. One of the benefits of remodeling where one of the guys is really into fitness is that we talk about this and that, and one day I was talking about the prison workouts (which sadly I've needed to abandon until maybe December), and how I'd been doing chins at the Y, and Jared mentioned they now make bars that mount over the door frame. So I found this online and got it and it's DA BOMB! It's not attached to the frame at all--it has a piece over the backside of the top of the door frame and then the large bar that holds it in place. So now everytime I go by or into the laundry room, I'm going to see what I can do. I can also do hanging leg raises on it. This will be a great addition to my fitness routine to strengthen my upper body, eh?



Here's my little area on the sofa bed downstairs where I've been sleeping and also working. This morning, I moved the computers back into my office, since the dust level is way down in the upstairs bathroom.

Here is the bathroom at the end of the day yesterday. Electrical and plumbing were completed, and walls, floor and ceiling put in. I now will have tons of light in there, and the entire ceiling is high up since the stupid lowered ceiling over the tub was knocked down. Today's work will include taping and possibly some tiling. The guys say it will be finished tomorrow, and I'm keeping my fingers crossed! That will mean vanity, cabinets, faucets and toilet installation and painting. I'm so excited!


Another item that arrived yesterday is the towel sets I ordered online. They are not what I expected--I thought they were mostly zebra with red or black accents, but when I opened the box, I really liked that it's exactly the opposite, and these are going to look so nice in the new bathroom:



The custom shades for the office and spare bedroom also arrived, but they are just in a really long box right now and so there's no need for a picture of that! In other remodeling news, I received a call that my new garage door has arrive, and we set an installation date for Tuesday, 12/2.

In addition to remodeling and working, today's activities for me include biking on LGL, putting custom stickers on LGL (I've had them for months now--she's now ready to be christened with her given name, La Gazza Ladra!), fantasizing how the new bathroom is going to look and how the living room will look once the zebra carpet is unfurled, miscellaneous chinups, a core workout, a massage, some legal paper signing and a trip to the post office.

Something that was funny yesterday was that the guys left around 6:30PM, and I actually had the TV on! Ken remarked that he wasn't sure the TV actually worked! I told him that I'm only watching it because I've been relegated to downstairs for working, sleeping and bathroom usage (plus trainer riding now, too), and since I'm getting so much done in the early hours of the day when I could be sleeping, I now have a little time to actually watch the fucking TV. But what's funny is that Monday evening, when I normally get a massage, I didn't go (they were doing something funky in the school that Mike said I wouldn't benefit from), so I was home and free to watch my very favorite TV program, Chuck (what can I say I identify with nerds). So I actually watched that, and whatever was on afterwards, I just fell asleep watching, which was around 7:30, but I woke up around 9, putzed around a bit, fell back asleep and was back up around 2:30AM. I'm glad to have developed a habit of doing without TV, because I just ordered a bunch of vampire fiction to read over the winter, and I like reading in bed, and I'll like it even more now because I just decided this morning that the former bathroom mirror is going to go on the wall in front of my bed instead of behind the headboard vertically. I don't know why that makes me smile or has anything to do with reading, I guess I was just talking about my bedroom!

Time to get to work. Hope everyone has a great day!

Random Thoughts on Love and Marriage

Today I went for a run outside. I was in a good deal of physical and psychic pain. I am definitely hurt! I feel like I’ve been in an accident, and I suppose I have. Anyway, I was thinking about love and then marriage and some thoughts came to me.

I am friends with a married couple that I believe to be very much in love. This wasn’t always the case—they almost let their love die at one time, but they worked very hard and got it back. I am friends with another couple that isn’t married and never will be that I know to be very much in love. They have a commitment to one another that if the love dies, they will set one another free.

I am friends with several married couples that I know to be not in love. They are staying together for one or more of the following: convenience (economic or otherwise), kids, laziness. Personally, I couldn’t stay with someone I wasn’t in love with no matter what, but I have my own perspective and I suppose the means to do pretty much whatever I want, and for that I’m truly grateful.

My own parents spent many of their years definitely not in love. It caused me a lot of pain and I wonder who I would be now if they had instead gone after their own happiness. In their later years when Mom was very ill and fragile, Dad stepped up and it seemed to me he recognized the value of pure love and went after it, but it was never a complete love. I wonder who my parents would have been if they had set one another free and gone after their own happiness. You know we didn’t have much economic means as a family, but I still would have lived with less to see them happy and know that I wasn’t being used as some sort of excuse for them to not do what they needed to do.

My own marriage ended because we weren’t in love. I thought I might have been in love, and some of the statements below about love rang true with me, but they weren’t mutual, and it has to be mutual.

I have not had much romantic love in my life. I’ve become a doer, because doing gets you through life. Being and love give happiness. I’ve tried to learn to do more being, I suppose, as a substitute for the romantic love. We all have to do something if we don’t have it, right?

Anyway, here are the thoughts that occurred to me today:

• Love cannot be left alone or it dies. I’ve seen many marriages left alone, and they continue. Especially since the institution was basically created as a means to ensure that children have an economic chance at growing up.
• Love is a commitment. Marriage is an obligation.
• Love is the desire to be with the other person as much as possible. Marriage is well, just knowing that person is there with or without desire.
• Love is always wanting to be in the other person’s heart and thoughts. Marriage is expecting it, whether or not it’s true.
• Love is never feeling alone when you’re with its object. Marriage doesn’t care one way or the other.
• Love is like a risky investment that demands you watch it carefully—by what you say, what you do, how you renew one another. Marriage is safe—like investing in bonds.
• Love is wanting the fireworks to be there as much as possible, requiring you to look for or manufacture the sparks. Marriage is being satisfied with a slow burn…
• Love is the joy the other person infuses in you. Marriage is being happy for the other person but it has nothing to do with you.
• Love demands physical and spiritual intimacy. Marriage demands only cooperation.

I was not very joyful running today. I was in pain.

Bathroom Progress

Yesterday was a productive day in the (old) new bathroom. After the old tub was removed, Ken got to work on preparing for the installation of the new one:



Below is most of the debris from the bathroom, patiently waiting outside for the dumpster, which will be here on Monday, at which time I will be adding a bunch more stuff to it from my garage:

The new, black tub is in place, and before Ken left, I noted that he got it all dirty! But I was able to tell that water looks real pretty against the black.


Ken left a shop light in there hanging from the rafters, showing me how to turn it on in case I wanted to "gaze upon my new tub." Of course, I did that this morning, and here's a shot of the area, including the new window, which also went in yesterday:

This morning (it's still morning!), I got out my industrial strength black magic marker from one of my tri bags to use to scratch out mailing labels on a box that I'm sending off to someone today. As soon as I put that marker in my hand, I thought, "Hey, why not inscribe something on the studs before the walls are put in?" And so I did:


I don't know whether another person will ever see my writing in the future, but if they do, and they wonder who Crackhead was and what was going on in her (if they can figure that out) life at the time the bathroom was completed, well let's just say there would be too much for me to write all over the studs. There has been a lot of destruction going on my life, and I am attempting to reassemble myself and I'm not sure how that's going to turn out just yet, but I know that this last bit of remodeling (for 2008, anyway) is going to carry a lot of meaning to me. I suppose I wrote that I'm a stud because I'm going through a bit of a physical/emotional/spiritual crisis right now, and I am counting the days to when I am physically healed, emotionally stabilized and spiritually reconnected to myself and the universe. Who knew you could put all that into the simple message I left for myself? I am trying to remind myself of what I know I am and have become and will return to hopefully sooner rather than later. What better way than to leave my message in a place that will be beautified not just for me but for whoever owns this house next?

Remodeling is a Dangerous Sport

So the injuries I sustained on Saturday are focused on my right side--my left knee and quads took a hit from the shelf that fell on top of me as I fell backwards, but it's mainly the right side of my lower back/glutes that is messed up, and also my right knee and shin. You'd think that'd be enough, right?

FUCK NO!!!

Today, the guys are demolishing the bathroom--some pics below of the wide open space all the way up to the roof!

This is the wall where the mirror and vanity used to be

This is looking all the way up to the roof! The new ceiling will be raised about 1.5 feet. I suppose I could have asked for a skylight, but too late now.

Here's Ken dismantling the plumbing in the old tub (ick) with a hole where the window used to be

Looking up towards the roof beams

So they are banging away with a sledge hammer to get the tub out of there. I'm working and sleeping downstairs now, and I needed to pee, so I go in the new downstairs bathroom, sit down and I'm attacked by this lobster, which fell off a shelf over my head. Thank goodness it didn't hit my head--it's made of cast iron, about 12" long, and you can see that the claws and one leg are now missing:


I don't know which piece made a direct hit on my ass, but it hurt, and the result was this nice cut on my left ass cheek, so now I have injuries on both sides of my ass!


I iced the cut right after it happened, stuffing a small ice pack into my compression tights, which held it in really nice.

Well, they have the tub out of there so I assume that no more objects will be falling on top of me! At least the cut (about 2" long) is up above my sit bones, so I didn't feel any pain while riding the trainer today. When I showered though, and the hot water hit the cut, it did sting for a bit.

I am going to actually pray, I think, for no more injuries. Or gas leaks (the gas line to the dryer has a slight leak). What's funny is my physical injuries are making my lack of sleep seem like a non-issue, but since I've put in over 2 hours of training today, I'm hoping I'll pass out like a baby tonight.

Testing out the System

...while wearing my Zoot compression tights...

My back has not been real happy today, but that's because I spent a lot of time sitting yesterday. It occurred to me that I have these tights, and as soon as I put them on, I realized that the big (literally) muscle that I've pulled is my glutes--all 3 of them, I think--medius, minimus and maximus. Since they act in concert with the low back, it's no wonder it feels more like my back. In going through my strength routine, I'm able to do rows, and after I finish the dumbbells, I'll get started on the core stuff. If I'm able to do hyperextensions without pain, well, then I'm pretty sure that what I've got is a pain in the ass!

Oh yeah--my office/strength room is still ghetto until I get the new shades, which are en route as we speak!!! Upstairs bathroom didn't get started yesterday, but I'm hoping it gets rolling this morning!

Man--I still love lifting. Especially this time of year. Makes me feel good and strong, although I've got a ways to go, but I am looking forward to some major league DOMS and suffering!

LGL's Clean and Ready to Go

Bitch is next...she's been waiting a long time to get all the NothingMan crap off her. Oddly, I'm excited about riding LGL on the trainer tomorrow. Allegedly I'm adding 2 more Ironman's to my total next year, although I guess there's arguments over whether I can count the 2 NothingMan's or not. I count them. I've worked my ass off over the past 8 years for this and it's one of the things that nobody can take away from me.

I may be bruised, cut up and spiritually broken, but nobody can take that away from me.

And so my training begins for 2009.