Double or NothingMan Race Report

Pics are here.

Race Format: 2 Olympic triathlons done back to back, where the order of the sports in the first is the traditional swim/bike/run, and for the second it’s bike/swim/run. This is the Saturday portion of Triple T, only for that race, you have a few hours between the 2 races. Between driving back and forth to the Y twice, and changing clothes every time I switched sports, I spent a little over 2 hours in transition, including a near-fatal Coke/Fuel Belt malfunction, which caused a delay of :45 between the last swim and the last run. Oh well. I won’t bother to list the transition times because they are just ludicrous. But, spreading the effectively 6 workouts with all that transition time made this plenty difficult, much like Saturday of Triple T, because you need to keep fueling during transition or else you risk a ginormous bonk.

I substituted 1500 yards for 1500 meters in the swim (my pool is SCY), got as close to 25 miles for each bike leg as I could, and replicated the Triple T run distance which is 6.5 miles per race. The swims were at the Y, the biking was done at home on the trainer, and the running was outdoors as out and back starting at home. With the outdoor temperatures what they were and the variation in the pool temperature between early morning (pretty nice) and afternoon (warm), another challenge element was added to the day as my body was forced to deal with big temperature swings.

Why? Traning for Triple T, and I must be psycho. While I never once had the thought, “Why am I doing this?” I did think several times, “I can’t BELIEVE I’m doing this.”

Executive Summary

	Race 1	Race 2	Total
Swim
Yards	1500	1500	3000
Time	0:27:52	0:28:10	0:56:02
Pace/100 yds.	1:51	1:53	1:52
Bike
Miles	25.04	25.05	50.09
Time	1:17:06	1:17:30	2:34:36
Avg. Speed	19.46	19.35	19.46
Avg. Cadence	95	95	95
NP	159	159
IF	0.7756	0.7756
TSS	99	99	198
Kcal	805	806	1611
Run
Air Temp.	30	40
Mile 1	8:51	9:05
Mile 2	9:18	9:25
Mile 3	9:27	9:24
Mile 3.25	2:17	2:22
Mile 3.5	2:07	2:11
Mile 4.5	9:22	9:16
Mile 5.5	9:09	9:26
Mile 6.5	8:48	8:46
Total Time	0:59:19	0:59:55	1:59:14
Overall Pace/Mile	9:08	9:13	9:10
Total Time	2:44:17	2:45:35	5:29:52

Last night

First, I have to tell you that doing a Sprint first thing in the morning and then not being able to drink a beer until much later in the day (with work in between) sucked. I always want a beer after a race, I don’t care how early it is, although I usually wait until at least 11AM, because, well, I’m not that big of a lush.

I ended up finally having a beer at 4PM after knocking off work. And then I went grocery shopping, and bonus, my buddy Lila, the booze sample lady, was there. So I partook of several samples of straight up rum, and a mojito mix. Even though all I had done was a sprint and then a :35 abs/core workout, I was tired and needed the painkillers!

I ate the filet part of a Porterhouse steak and a rather big pile of pasta with my walnut pesto sauce (I think the recipe is on the blog somewhere). I ate until I was quite full, knowing what I was doing the next day.

Today, Pre-Race

5:15AM

I woke up before the coffee pot (was set for 5:05AM), really about 3:30AM. Yes, I went and looked at a clock. I went back to bed, and within minutes, my body is telling me I need to go take care of something RIGHT NOW. It made me smile, because while what I’d be doing today is not a real “race,” my body and mind were taking it quite seriously!

I went and did my business (in the dark), and then got back in bed. I let my mind scroll a bit, thinking about what I’m going to be doing today, how nice it will be to get back in bed after I’m finished today, what I want for dinner, etc. Nothing truly stressful. But I knew my body and mind were ready to get up. When I got out of bed it was 4:30AM. Close enough!

I fired up the coffee pot and started putting together my clothing for the day. Even though I stretched well last night, my legs felt the effort of yesterday’s sprint NothingMan.

I had already made a plan as to where I needed to be when based on my anticipated speed, a little driving, and changing clothes. I chose all my outfits and laid them on the living room floor and took pics of them in case I didn’t get someone to take one of me in each one.

I almost should have consulted one of my infamous race checklists, but I have a lot of that stuff in my head now. I prepared all my race nutrition (fluids) yesterday. I pumped the rear tire of LGL on the trainer, placed the remotes on the stool next to her, picked CD’s to play while riding, bagged the clothes that I needed to take with me to the Y, and finally, sat down to have a few more cups of coffee.

Good thing I got up earlier than intended since there were quite a few things to do this morning! I just appreciate being able to relax a bit before a race, such as it is. I’ve watched other people getting ready in the morning of a race who have “the look” on their face the entire time. Well, yeah, I get “the look” at times, but anyone who has followed my training and racing for the last 2-3 years knows that I pretty much manage to keep things pretty light.

I think this is why there’s an adage that says it takes about 5 years to get Ironman “right.” For most people, it takes that long to be able to internalize all the little details that when once internalized, allow you to take the day as it comes and have a good performance. I’ve read other people writing about being worried that if they get fast that they won’t enjoy it anymore, and I think that’s total crap. I don’t consider myself fast, but I’m pretty good for my age group, and have won hardware here and there. I get pretty intense once it’s game on, but I always try and find ways to interject fun into things. I think that part of my secret is the ability to selectively tune out all the external stimuli. Think about it—for many people, racing is stimulus overload. You’ve got people crowded together, spectators, timing devices, weather, taper-induced paranoia—for a person who can’t tune out a lot of that stuff, it’s distracting.

If you’re familiar with the “flow” concept (see this book) and you understand the conditions required to enable it, then you approach every race, or even every training session as an opportunity to experience this most wonderful of sensations. You need to be proactive in order to experience flow—you need to have trained properly, have confidence in your training, be able to retreat inside your own head and enjoy being there, be concerned with only yourself and not your competition, and be adaptable. There are other things that come into play, too, but those are the basics.

Once you have all those skills, then you understand that it’s not necessary to have all that “actual race” stimuli around you in order to have a flow experience. This is why it’s no big deal for me to make the leap from actual race to NothingMan. Once you remove the externals from it, racing and NothingMan are exactly the same to me! And I think that’s the coolest gift I’ve given myself, since it’s representative of how I like to live my life now. Don’t get me wrong—I totally enjoy and suck up external stimuli as well (and am even known to dish it out quite heavily at times)—but it has its place and time, and more and more, I realize those are, indeed, very fleeting moments, and that where it’s at is inside my own head.

5:45AM I drank 300 calories worth of Ultrafuel. Yes, it made me gag.

6:10AM IT’S SHOWTIME! And it’s only 21 degrees (F) outside. Perfect! I brushed my teeth, put my contact lenses in, got dressed and off I went. The same woman who was there 3 weeks ago when I did a ½ NothingMan was at the front desk, and she was nice enough to take a picture. I didn’t even tell her what I was doing today—I don’t think she’d be able to comprehend it.

Since it was pretty early, there was nobody else in the locker room, so I headed out on deck and who should be there but AJ, the same guy who was at the pool 3 weeks ago when I did the ½ NothingMan. He recognized me, I told him what I was doing today, and he extended a hand out to shake mine. He was done swimming, so he took a great pic of me right before I got in to swim.

Swim 1

My swim pacing plan was, well, just swim easy. Don’t totally lollygag, because I have a schedule to keep.

The water was pretty nice, and I had a lane all to myself. I didn’t really think about much of anything while I was swimming (remembered to count laps, though), just sort of cruised along. At one point I’m coming to the wall and some man on deck about to get in thinks he knows me or something and he’s saying, “Good morning” to me, and I’m thinking what the fuck, but then I figured he must have spent a little bit of time gazing on my CRACKHEAD ass because he sure had a big smile on his face!

Other than that, the swim was quite uneventful. I finished, got out, and had the guard (same guard as 3 weeks ago for ½ NothingMan) take a couple of pics. Of course I had to have her shoot my butt with my custom CRACKHEAD on it. The guard commented that I had the coolest suits (well, yeah—Splish, baby!)

Transition 1

I took a leisurely shower, after waiting for the hot water to come on, and then got to changing into my clothes for the first bike leg. I asked a woman to shoot a pic of me, and she actually understood how to use the digital camera, which was nice.

Off to home to ride the bike.

Bike 1

My bike pacing plan for both bike legs was to use ½ Ironman watts. Since it was split into 2 Olympic races, though, that meant a :15 warmup easy, and then move right into ½ Ironman watts. Just like for ½ NothingMan, I was aiming for about 80% of FTP.

For the first bike leg, once I finished the warmup, I just popped into the BCR and stayed in the same gear the entire time. For some reason, it didn’t feel that boring since I knew I wouldn’t be on the bike that long and I was looking forward to running outside. I could feel the effort from yesterday’s sprint, but nothing too terribly bad.

Transition 2

I toweled off as much sweat as I could since I was going to be going outside and didn’t want immediate evaporation/cooling.

Before I changed into my run clothes, I checked my outdoor thermometer that’s in the shade to determine if I needed to change my original clothing selections. Yep. The weather forecast said it would get to the mid-40’s, but just before 9:00AM, it had only made it to 30. So I ended up dressing like the cat burglar.

Run 1

My run pacing plan for both run legs was ½ Ironman pace or slower. Really, I just wanted to run easy and not take any walking breaks. I totally achieved that for this run. Even though it was still chilly, the sun was shining brightly. I was happy the predicted wind patterns were holding, since I ran out against the wind and home with it.

The wind was rather biting on the way out, but I knew I’d be fine on the way back. Nothing of note happened during the first run except for the fact that I peed behind a dumpster at the grade school 2 miles from home. The run felt pretty good, and my legs still felt pretty good except for a little residual soreness from yesterday’s sprint.

Transition 3

Changing into biking clothes for the second time (this was my shortest transition—about :15), I was well aware that things were going to begin hurting for real rather quickly.

Bike 2

While it was pretty easy to settle into a good easy pace for warmup, my quads and calves were really starting to talk to me. And they were not saying nice things. It was something like this:

Quads: What the fucking hell what kind of race is this? It’s not even a duathlon, fuckhead, where you run/bike/run. What the hell is bike/run/bike?

Calves: You stupid motherfucker. All of our fast twitch fibers are toast. Good luck putting out any semblance of watts.

One of the things I expected was that on this second bike I would have muscle fiber recruitment issues. What I mean by this is that depending on what watts you are trying to hit and how fatigued you are, you will have different gearing/cadence preferences, and I believe this to be caused by selective muscle fiber fatigue. At least I find this to be the case for myself. So in this situation, where I’ve already biked at a respectable effort and run, I’m finding that the gear I want to be in is not the same one I was in for Bike 1. That’s OK, though—it just means I will need to mix up gears so that I’m able to force different muscle fibers to be recruited at different times so some get to rest while others are working. I find this to be true primarily for my calf muscles. I can “feel” a particular wattage/gearing/cadence combination in my calves—my quads could care less.

So I ended up doing 6 repetitions (10’ each) of an up and down ladder, moving up in gear and watts and then back down. This seemed to keep my calves happy.

I am so amazed that my first and second bike legs were so incredibly close to one another in time and all other measures! I didn’t know it until I finished everything for the day, because all I cared about on the second bike was hitting 25 miles, and then I hit a split on my watch and got the fuck off the bike! I was looking forward to swimming, since I hoped that by swimming with a pull buoy, my legs would get a little bit of rest. Besides, having done Triple T last year, I knew that there was no way I could kick in the pool after what had gone on before—I would cramp up something severe—mainly in the calves.

Transition 4

I don’t remember much of this except it involved stripping off my bike clothes, putting on a swimsuit, putting clothes on, getting in my car and driving to the Y. AGAIN. Once again, I conned an innocent bystander into taking a pic of me in my swimsuit. I don’t know—you be the judge—but I think I look kind of pumped up in the second suit. Been using lots of muscles, I guess!

Swim 2

Now I was going to be swimming with lots of people in the pool at mid-day. Fuuuuuuck. When I got on deck, I had to decide which lane I was going to invade and force the current population of 2 swimmers to circle-swim. I chose the slower lane, because I know the really fast guy in the other lane, and I didn’t want to mess up his workout, and besides, I’d be passing the 2 guys in my lane.

Well, these 2 men didn’t quite understand the concept of circle swimming, and it took about 500 yards for them to sort of get it. One of the guys had asked me initially to go in a different lane, and I told him I was sorry, but this was going to be my lane. I could tell he didn’t like the fact that I was swimming faster than him and constantly passing him. Oh well, get over it.

My arms did not feel at all fatigued while swimming, and the pull buoy was a nice touch. The water was pretty warm, but even still I felt fine aerobically.

Transition 5

When I finished and got out, I was starting to simultaneously look forward to my last leg of the day but also realize it was going to be difficult and probably painful.

I took a nice, long, hot shower, and even spent a few minutes in the sauna because I figured it was still cold outside, and now I’d be transitioning from a pool to outdoor running, and that could make for some uncomfortable core body temperature gymnastics. So I tried to get myself warmed up, because even though the pool was warm, it still probably depressed my core temperature a bit. My normal oral temperature is 97, so it’s easy for me to become hypothermic, and I didn’t want that happening.

Shuffling around in the locker room and changing into running clothes was not enough to reveal the state of my legs. It wasn’t until I got back home and negotiated some stairs that I knew what was in store.

Once again, I checked my in the shade outdoor thermometer and it had only made it to 40 degrees. Crap! Oh well, so I grabbed some alternate tops and went with my sushi toque instead of a regular running hat.

I took off, and the fuel belt bottles are leaking all over the place. I guess the big bottles didn’t fully defizz or something. No matter. I went back in the house and poured 12 oz. worth into a small Gatorade bottle and went back out after changing from blue gloves to pink ones that I had worn in my full NothingMan last fall. I suppose I looked pretty goofy with the sushi hat, black and blue tights, a blue top and pink gloves! But hey, I’m Crackhead, people, and at this point I don’t give a flying fuck what I look like.

Run 2

There’s a ¼ mile hill right from my house, and oh boy, I could feel it in my legs. I just thought to myself that I should keep up an easy shuffle and not worry about it. The run course at Triple T, while hilly (3.25 miles up and then back down) is at least on trail, so since I was running on asphalt, it just added to the pain on the day. But I expected it, so too bad. The pain will stop when I’m finished!

At this point I was a little pleased with myself for having completed what was already done. I don’t know why, but there’s just something perverse about doing this all by yourself and not giving a shit that there are no spectators. It reminded me that yesterday when I was talking to the woman at the front desk of the Y, she had asked me who was going to time me. I just showed her my watch! Like is it really that difficult for a person to wear a watch and hit splits? I guess it must appear that way to some people.

Side note: It’s 5:30PM and I am JUST NOW drinking my first post-race beer. What is wrong with me? I’ve already wasted several valuable hours where I could have been taking in painkiller.

After that ½ mile uphill, the road (after a left turn) flattens out for the remainder of the first mile, and this was highly appreciated by my now fucked up legs. On the plus side, my hip flexors weren’t cashed like they are in an Ironman marathon, but still, this was a bizarre workout no matter how you cut it.

The next ½ mile is still flat, but there’s hardly any shoulder on the road, so I’m a bit careful here because some cars just don’t like giving me any berth. But that only lasts for about ¼ mile and then I’ve got a nice, fairly wide boulevard-like road to run on. After ½ mile, there’s a ½ mile uphill. It’s a gentle grade, though, but at this point, anything non-flat is a little hard. Still, I’m not giving in to that little fucker in my head that’s telling me to walk. Nope! Not yet.

Mile 3 begins with a very short uphill and then the rollers begin, but the primary direction is down. At least downhill running is not feeling bad, and I’m very grateful for this. I ran on a mix of sidewalk and asphalt, as the way back on this mile has a nice shoulder where I can stay off the sidewalk totally.

The ¼ mile to get to 3.25 miles is uphill again. Damn it! Oh well, I need to keep keeping on, and no walking. And I know once I’m at the top and turn around, I’ll have the wind at my back. The headwind seemed stronger on Run 2 than Run 1, but now the sun is up higher, so as soon as I have the wind at my back I begin to notice how sweaty and disgusting I am.

The ¼ mile run downhill was nice. Now it’s time to take it up the butt on the 1-mile climb. At this point, I do not wish to be bothered or annoyed in any fashion. I saw a woman with a baby stroller ahead of me and it annoyed me. I saw men casting into a retention pond and it annoyed me. I saw a man walking a dog, wearing running clothes (and yet I could tell he wasn’t a runner), and letting his dog take a shit on some lawn and he didn’t pick it up. Since I was annoyed, I called him on it. He lied and said his dog didn’t do it. Lying motherfucker. The dog shit was almost steaming.

But then I realize the reason I’m annoyed is because of all the climbing, and before I know it, I’m to and past Shannon (fucking) Lakes Road, which signals that the worst of it is over. I don’t feel that bad because now I am heading home, and the pain will stop.

When I finish this mile, I’m surprised I didn’t run it much slower, because I certainly felt like I was running in slow motion.

The next mile is gently downhill for ½ mile and then it flattens out (reverse of the out part, see?). When I do training runs, I typically charge the 1-mile uphill and then I slow down on the downhill. Odd, I know, but at least today, I was pacing the uphill section properly so I didn’t have that problem.

All is about to be good with the world because I’ve only got 1 mile to go. It isn’t really sinking in all what I’ve done today—I just want to be done. With about ¾ mile to go, what song should come on the radio but “Footloose.” Well, you know what that means. It means I must do some fancy footwork. And I did. And I didn’t care how it looked to anyone since, well, as you know by this time I’m deep into Nothingness and it’s all in my head. I was actually happy for the chance to do a little dancing and that I was able to do it!

The last .4 mile starts a gradual downhill until I get to ¼ mile from home which is all downhill. Now I’m feeling pretty good because it’s all going to end.

Transition 6

OH YEAH, BABY, I’M DONE!!!

My first thought was that I am sick of clothes. I stripped off everything, and just sort of walked around naked. I wasn’t cold, and I wasn’t really hungry, either, because I had fueled really well in terms of calories And since I had been running in cool temperatures, I didn’t stink like I do when running in heat. So I rinsed out all the fucking bottles I had used, and then I took a nice shower, and all I could think was how many showers did I take today? For all I did, it was just 3, so no world record was set on that account.

But now I am still all wired from all the caffeine I took in today, but I feel really great. I mean, what the hell! I did it, I did it in style, and now it’s time to take some recovery (and more painkiller). I definitely had a lot of flow time today. I let my transitions be transitions, and when I wasn’t doing that, I kept to my planned race pacing. Can’t do better than that!

A Little Bit of Nothing, or Sprint NothingMan

Pics are here.

I had a blast! OK, not as much fun as an actual race outdoors in the summer, but still, it was fun. And while in my training plan I had written to do this "easy," well, that did not happen. I mean, how are you supposed to go easy for a sprint, no matter what you did the day before or you need to do the day after?

I did not get enough sleep yesterday. Not sure why, but I was wide awake at 2:30AM and couldn't get back to sleep. In retrospect, that was good, because instead of shelling myself on the bike yesterday, all I did was ride for :50 easy, which was probably the right thing to do anyway. So I guess I did have a taper after all!

I slept well last night, but again I woke up what I assumed was early. I told myself not to go "clock surfing," (meaning walking around in the dark until my eyes acclimated and I could see a clock but not really looking for one). But I guess I was a little excited, so in a grand reversal, I turned on the lights in the bathroom to see it was 4:00AM, which was close enough to time to wake up. Besides, it's a race day, right?

I got the coffee going, changed my mind and decided I'd wear a one-piece swimsuit instead of two-piece, organized some bike ride information, ate my usual Power Bar Triple Threat (I know they are like candy bars, but oh well), fucked around, listened to some White Zombie and Green Day, and got my shit together.

I had wanted to be swimming at 6:30AM, but I guess I fucked around a little longer than I should have. When I arrived at the Y, the front desk person, Mary, asked me if I had any races coming up. I said, "Yes." She asked when. I said today. She asked where. I said HERE. She asked when. I said NOW. And she graciously took a picture of me.

I headed to the locker room and put my crap out as if I had an actual transition area. I didn't, because I had to put everything in a locker, because I don't trust anyone. I've had stuff stolen from an unlocked locker before, so I take no chances.

I asked a woman I regularly see in the morning to snap pics of me in my swimsuit. She was cool about it. She was done working out already.

Start Time: 6:42AM
Swim: 500 yards in 9:15

My swim was piss-poor, but not as bad as I thought it would be. The swim was not wetsuit legal. I did not warm up. I jumped in, hit my watch and took off. At least now I know I can swim harder, and I could have gone faster, which is good. Since I'm bumping up against 10,000 yards+ per week now, things can only get better. But I did feel like I was racing. The water was a bit warm, too.

T1: 10:33

I took a good shower and washed my hair to get the chlorine out of it, dryed off well, and put on my biking clothes. The same woman who took my picture before I swam took the pic of me before I began biking. So I guess she takes a good long time getting all ready for work!

Bike: 12 miles in 44:34

OK, I know that seems slow, but this is a Precor bike and they fucking suck! When I've done "actual" indoor sprint races on these things where the bike leg is 20 minutes (however far you go in that time), I've typically covered 5.7-6 miles in the 20 minutes, and with that I've won my AG and several younger and older than me. I haven't been on one of these fuckers since a year ago when I did a few of those races, so I was pretty indifferent to how long the 12 miles took me. I did try and keep up decent watts on the thing, and I knew I was going hard, and besides, I had to run a 5K afterwards, not just 15 minutes like in those actual races.

T2: 4:19

I took my sweet time, but what was funny was that I had forgot to move my running orthotics from another pair of shoes into the new, blue ones, so I couldn't run in those. So I'm going to run in these trail shoes that I have never run in before! It didn't really phase me, though, I figured, what the hell, do I really care how fast I run?

Run: 5K on indoor track (12 laps to the mile) in 25:16--splits 8:12, 8:09, 8:11, :44.

Hah! That's close to my 5K PR. I guess I should run in those trail shoes more often! Thing is, I can run faster. I didn't ever feel like I was going to puke, and I suppose if there were other people around me I would have run faster, but what the hell, I'll take it. I'm actually really pleased with this considering my run training was for shit until about 4 weeks ago.

Afterwards, I was going downstairs to hang on the chin thing and do a few hanging situps, and I saw a friend on a treadmill. So I'm talking to him, and this woman on a treadmill next to him with headphones on and WALKING, gives me a SHUSH sign. I'm thinking WTF we are talking about athletics here lady. Anyway, Larry rolls his eyes, and I continued on my way. I ran into one of the trainers I know and told him about this and we came up with better comebacks for me. Like, "Oh, I'm sorry. I see you are working really hard and I must be disrupting your workout." Or, "Oh, it must be really tough for you to hear over all the noise you are making going so FAST (NOT)."

I definitely raced this, and turns out I guess I'm fairly fit for March. I still have another workout to do today, but it's just a :30 abs/core routine. I need to figure out logistically how to finesse tomorrow's double Olympic. I've already defizzed Coke, but I need to mix up some Infinit and get all my costume changes ready. It's supposed to be a nice enough day for outdoor running, but it will still be a shock to my system to go from indoor trainer riding to outdoor 40's running.

Then again, this is not supposed to be easy, and I'm actually looking forward to tomorrow! If this little set of 3 races doesn't make me HTFU, I don't know what will!

It's SHOWTIME

Holding Myself Back Today

Today is one of those days where when I woke up, I just felt awesome. My DOMS is gone, I got 9 hours of sleep, I didn't feel particularly fatigued, didn't feel like there were a million things I should be doing--it just felt like a day with lots of potential.

As I got my day started--eating something, taking out the garbage and recycleables--I realized I was rushing for no good reason, so I told myself to relax, which was good.

So I went to the pool, and the water was warm, but I didn't care. I was part way through my main set, which I chose to do with Zoomers on, to make it easier on myself (even though at the time I was swimming hard for me), since that is the objective for day, and then my favorite scenery showed up. I finished my 8x150 as 100 hard, 50 easy, 15" RI, and then I just decided I had swam enough, so I noodled around, chatted with the scenery, took a nice, long, hot shower and headed home to work.

I kept up my non-rushing attitude, and it occurred to me that this is the same mindset I have while in transition in a triathlon. If you are all worried and herky-jerky you are likely to stumble, forget something, or just put yourself in a bad mental place. If you've planned ahead and you know you have what you need in your transition bags and you methodically go through them and remain (relatively) calm, you aren't going to be wasting any time. So I suppose that we "create" the ability to be relaxed by planning ahead a bit, but that doesn't seem like a paradox to me. The time to go fast in a race is when you are, well racing. That is when you are just using your body to do what you've trained it to do, hopefully in auto-pilot mode.

Transition, to me, is all about purposefulness and setting the tone for the next leg of the race. It's a bad time to think about what happened in the leg of the race you just finished--like you went too slow or you got hit or kicked or you were cold or hot. What's done is done. It's called transition for a reason. You are preparing for the next part.

There's a time to be in the present moment, to be in the now, and that is indeed, most of our day. I'm (fill in the blank)-ing. But I think it also pays to be mindful of all the transitions that occur throughout the day, as they are also golden opportunities for mindfulness. So the next time someone asks what you are doing or thinking about while you appear to be sitting quietly doing nothing, just say you are transition-ing--preparing for the next thing you will be doing.

I've got a number of other transitions to do today, and hope they are all as smooth as the ones that are already done!

Edit: I thought I should write this down since I found it quite funny. On the way into the Y, you can see down into the basketball courts/running track. I saw one of the trainers strapping a gizmo to a guy's back that was attached to a 25-lb. barbell plate on the ground. So I yell at them, "NIIIIIICE" and tell the guy to run hard. Of course I was thinking to myself, could I do that? Not sure I'd pull 25 lbs., but 10 wouldn't be too bad. Anyway, there was another woman going in right behind me, and she heard me and looked, and then she says to me, "That's crazy." I turn to her and said, "Honey, you're LOOKING AT crazy!" Meaning me. And I told her to ask the woman at the front desk why.

My run was glorious. It didn't get as warm as I hoped, but still, I didn't need gloves or a beanie, and I went commando under the tights. I ran into the wind first, but couldn't avoid hills--no matter which way I run from home they're there. I tried to stay relaxed and run easy, but I actually ran OK--no complaints. I'm feeling like my hill-running strength is returning, and it's all good.

Not Sick--Just Trying to Kill Myself

I was right on Sunday. I had a virus, but it is gone.

So I'm getting ready for a weekend of NothingNess x 3, and um...there is no taper involved. Taper-schmaper. Who needs 'em? I'm simply playing it by ear and doing what I think I can. Yes, I have a training schedule, but it was written by ME so it has a high probability of making me blow myself up, so I'm constantly reevaluating.

I started out Sunday evening by looking at the weather forecast. I am so fucking tired of running on the treadmill, but I'm also pretty wimpy when it comes to cold. 40's is OK for outdoor runs usually, but 50's is better. Plus there's the acclimation to the fucking pavement, and trying to become "unscared" of cars again. As each year goes by, I notice the progressively worsening habits of many drivers. It used to be people used turn signals (or as I call them, "blinkers"). Apparently, they have become optional. This year I'm noticing that stop signs have also become optional. Even when I'm in my car, I don't trust that someone won't just blow through an intersection without looking both ways.

Aaaaaaaaaanyway...back to the weather. I figured for my 2 weekday runs I want to run outside, so I decided I'm running Monday and Wednesday and biking Tuesday and Thursday. I'm keeping my swims on Monday and Wednesday. By the way, the pool was niiiiiiiiiiice and cool again on Monday. Sadly, no scenery, but very nice for swimming.

I managed to sleep well Sunday night after my brick festival, and even though I got 9 big ones, I could feel the fatigue on Monday morning. Still, gotta swim--it will help me either recover or dig myself a hole--I really don't care which. Did that bitchin' 30x50 (odds hard; evens easy) with 10" rest workout, and my arms were screamin' MOMMA (not really--they were actually saying what the hell motherfucker why don't you just stop already), and actually did OK even though I was tired to begin with.

When it came time to run I knew a track workout would not work--legs too tired from Sunday--but odds are if I ran outside I'd go at or close to tempo pace. Given that, how long did I want to run? Well, I still want some decent volume this week, so at first I was like OK, 1 hour, but then it wasn't much farther to a landmark which out and back would give me 7.5 miles, so I decided to do that. It's a fairly hilly run, so my legs are toast, I haven't done much road running yet, it's not very warm (it was like 32 when I ran), and so what the hell. I slowed down on the way home a little, but well, I just didn't care. 1:07. I was cold the entire time, but I looked like I meant business--I was sporting my new sushi-print toque and my Cateye sunglasses, along with my Finisher jacked from IMLP 2007. While I typically don't wear all the Ironman crap frequently, there are times when I feel like it will give me a mental boost, and I needed it yesterday.

I stretched really well last night, since as the evening wore on, I knew I was on the verge of shelling myself. So this morning I decided, what the hell, may as well lift before I start work. So I did. 1 hour LARGE. I mean, since I do it at home, I'm cramming a lot into an hour, and I still have about 10 minutes to finish up tomorrow. I kinda had some DOMS going on from Monday's run, and I just added to it, since I wanted to get legs done today.

Well, then I needed to bike in the middle of the day. DOMS is really settling in big time now, and I'm thinking can I even manage a respectable workout on the bike? What the hell, it's only pain, right? My power may be down a bit, but what the hell. Since I had finished lifting, I am just wanting to eat everything in the house, but I was a good girl and had a glass of egg protein, 2 bananas and a slice of cheese (fat-free) in between lifting and biking. Healthy crap.

Gatorade on the bike and we get going. Mid-day news on for a few minutes, followed by some Teletubbies, and then my warmup is over and I fire up Ironman 2004 (the year I did it) on the VCR, just so I have a timing device staring me in the face so I don't need to have my head in my lap looking at the Ergomo screen. While doing my intervals, I had to rest a few seconds here and there because, well, my legs were toast. But I still got in a TSS of 104 in 1:20, which was plenty enough intensity for the day. I ate a Lean Cuisine and drank Endurox R4, and I'm wishing I had some chips in the house (I decided not to buy any last week) because I'm STARVING. But I'll be OK. I'm sorta trying to not go too nuts on carbs (I MUST HAVE a ROTISSERIE CHICKEN FOR DINNER) as a sort of modified carb loading thing for the weekend.

Tomorrow I swim and run (probably just an hour if I can be sane enough to limit myself) easy, finish up my lifting, and then Thursday is another trainer ride, which I should cut down to maybe 1:05 to 1:10, with just a few "bursts of flavor." And then Friday I do a sprint NothingMan. I'm going to do the whole thing at the Y because otherwise I'd spend more time transitioning than racing! And I don't really want to change clothes during it so I'll probably slap on a tri suit and freak everyone out at the Y when they see me on the stationary bike and treadmill in a swimsuit. Saturday is the day I double down and do 2 Olympics back to back.

Ah...the life of a Crackhead!

Tune in tomorrow to see if I'm surviving my training.

Weekly Workout Totals 03/17/2008-03/23/2008 and Miscellaneous Stuff

I know there are some people who have "feelings" towards the posting of the amount of time spent doing something. Feelings are good, but remember that numbers are just that--numbers--and if you choose to react to them in some way, I just hope that you enjoy your reaction!

I believe I have some sort of virus, but the good news is that I think I'm mostly done with it. I ended up not working on Tuesday because I felt so crappy, but I couldn't tell if I was partly overtrained or actually sick. Having a sinus headache for several days convinced me that I surely had something but that doesn't mean I wasn't overtraining, either. Every time I try something new to see how far I can push myself, well, there's always a chance of overdoing it. I think that when I wasn't able to kick out my usual intensity, the volume and sequence of workouts I was doing were just fine. But when I decided I could go full bore pretty much every day, well, guess what? Not.

So, lesson learned. At least once I knew I had a virus, I took things pretty easy. It was weird because I could do a workout and feel good doing it, but then a few hours later feel like crap. Such is life. Today I nailed a pretty good intensity bike and run (3 hours worth total), and while I am pretty wiped out and hungry as hell, I don't feel "sick." I only hope I wake up feeling this good tomorrow morning!

As is the case with any holiday now, I really missed both my parents. I had a short cry near the end of my run today, but I was enjoying running outside so much that it seemed like Mom and Dad would rather see me being happy doing something I love, so I just continued on.

IF I'm mainly recovered from my virus AND I get my workout sequence correct this week (meaning I need to actually take an EASY day tomorrow), THEN my plan for the weekend is to do a sprint NothingMan on Friday, and on Saturday do two Olympic NothingMan's back to back, same as like at Triple T, meaning the second one is bike-swim-run instead of the usual swim-bike-run. Of course, Sunday will be a rest day. It's still too cold for me to bike outdoors, but the weather is OK for outdoor running now, and if it's dry on Saturday, that will be excellent for a NothingMan. I guess if part of it is outdoors I should call it a half-assed double-roly-poly-Oly NothingMan. Try ordering one of those at Starbucks! NO FOAM, PLEASE.

Weekly Workout Totals	03/17/2008-03/23/2008
Swim:	8700 yards (4.94 miles) in 3.13 hours; 22% of weekly workout time; approx. 1097 calories burned
Bike:	Approx. 87.51 miles in 5 hours; 34% of weekly workout time; approx. 2251 calories burned; Total TSS=413
Run:	Approx. 28.45 miles in 4.43 hours; 31% of weekly workout time; approx. 2010 calories burned
Strength:	1.95 hours; 13% of weekly workout time; approx. 488 calories burned
All Sports:	Approx. 120.9 miles in 14.51 hours; approx. 5846 calories burned
Sleep:	8.39 hours avg./night
Stretching:	2.23 hours. Massage: 0 hours

Crackburgers??? I'm IN!!!

Seriously, though: Link

CINCINNATI, Ohio -- An Ohio woman ordered a sandwich at a fast-food restaurant, and it contained crack cocaine, she said.NewsChannel5's Cincinnati affiliate WCPO reported that what was just supposed to be a quick stop for a couple of fish sandwiches ended up being the catalyst for an undercover police investigation."Immediately, I didn't notice it, as a matter of fact I was kind of ravenous, grabbed the sandwich, took a bite, looked down and here's this," she said. "These white clumps of something -- looked like a powdery substance, laying on the paper that the sandwich came wrapped in. I think the majority of it fell out of the paper."Police said they believe the substance was about 10 grams of crack cocaine. Because of possible retaliation, the woman will not be identified."There was quite a bit of it, and I thought well this doesn't belong in a sandwich, this is not part of what I should normally get from Rally's, so I ate the other sandwich and called the police," she said.Police sent undercover officers to the location where the sandwiches were purchased.A Rally's employee, Russell Calbert, was arrested.At this point, he's charged with marijuana possession. Authorities said more charges could be announced in connection with the crack cocaine.A pretrial has been set for next month.

OK so I added the BOLD stuff. I saw the news clip on CNN today, and they showed the woman who got the Crackburger (tm--I just trademarked that name). They didn't show her face, but OMG she was the hugest porker--you could see some of her belly flab hanging out. But even such circumstances can teach us valuable lessons:

1. Always order TWO sandwiches in case one of them is a rogue Crackburger (tm).
2. If you find out your first sandwich is a Crackburger(tm), be sure to EAT THE OTHER SANDWICH BEFORE YOU CALL THE POLICE!

Actually, as soon as I saw the clip, all I could think was, "Ah, so here's another excuse people can use for their addictions to fast food. There's crack in it!" Did I not just insinuate in my previous post that there is crack in Doritos Hint of Lime?

You're welcome.

Guess Who's Back?

This guy. I missed him. He's about a month early, though, based on appearances in prior years, and he's H-U-N-G-R-Y. Maybe it's the extra energy I'm expending on my THIRD job. Maybe it's hanging out at 15 or so hours per week of training. Maybe I've been workin' it hard, especially on the bike. Maybe I need to start wearing an HRM again so I can see how much I'm burning. Maybe I need to get my RMR measured again.

It can only mean one thing--I need to eat MORE! Towards that end, you will now find peanut butter in my house (a couple of tablespoons makes a nice snack), Gummi bears (replacing the Easter jelly beans which have become tiresome), chips (I SWEAR they put Crack into the Doritos Hint of Lime), good hard cheeses (Reggianno Parmesan and Locatelli Romano), and now I realize it's time to stock up on cookies (raspberry Fig Newtons are my favorite). And I'm eating pasta a few times a week. Yesterday I actually saved coupons for Steak 'n Shake, so I'll have to get there this weekend--not that I need coupons--they just reminded me that I should go there. I'm not too keen on milkshakes (or ice cream except on rare occasions), but a steakburger and cheese fries? HIT ME!

I'm already plotting my treats for after my next NothingMan--on 3/28 I'm doing a Sprint NothingMan and on 3/29 instead of a Half NothingMan, I'm going to do 2 Olympics back to back like we do in Triple T--effectively, swim, bike, run, bike swim run. Oh joy! I have even begun designs for NothingMan swimsuits: (women's) and (men's). If you have any ideas or want to submit a design for a NothingMan suit, fire away and send me the link!

Today I did these workouts:

Swim: WU: 200 swim, 200 kick, 200 pull, 200 drill
MS: 30 x 50 (10"), as odds Hard, evens Easy.
100 easy swim.
2 x 300 (15") pull, Steady with excellent stroke.
CD: 100 easy swim

Bike: I figured I should take it easy, so I did 1:15 worth of Spinervals Totally Time Trial, only I "overdid" their % ranges (what is it supposed to be a percent of?) by at least 5% on the hard intervals. TSS=103. I didn't think I could hit 100 today, but hey, what the hell. I've got my trainer (TACX is awesome) so I'm overgeared, since I have a compact crankset on LGL, and I prefer the middle cogs of the big chainring.

I wrote down a track workout for tomorrow, but I'll need to see how my legs feel. They were pretty toasty yesterday, a little sluggish (for me) today on the bike, but it was only 1:15 so I should be fine tomorrow.

Weekly Workout Totals 03/10/2008-03/16/2008

I had some good workouts and some not so good ones. Proving that recovering from a HIM can be a tricky proposition. On the plus side, I swam extra, and totally enjoyed it, as 3 out of 4 times I swam the pool was nice and cold. On the down side, my legs hurt like mofos right now even though I just stretched, after completing a 2:30/:30 brick workout today. But I know I am totally warped, because when I hurt like this, I actually feel all nice and content with the world. I suppose part of that is because when you hurt or are really tired, that's pretty much all you focus on, and nothing else really matters. Part of the pain is from 2 runs on the roads this weeks. I tend to not break myself in all that easily from treadmill to road running--both runs were fairly peppy.

Spring is actually coming here now. I saw my first robins the other day, and today I checked around some of the flower beds and tulips are starting to poke up in the south-facing bed. I ran outside twice this week, it's nice to see the sun still up so much later already (thanks, Daylight Savings Time), but on the down side, my body is wanting to wake up earlier even though it's dark. I guess that means my winter of long sleeps is coming to an end, which it surely does every spring. Soon enough the grass will be growing, which means mowing, and crap, I need to order seeds for annuals and some annual flowers. Well, I don't need to so much as it's sort of a spring tradition for me--something handed down from my Mom and her Mom. I cannot grow indoor plants for shit (except for my pet Bonsai from Cindy), but outdoors, well, it seems I have a talent there, and it would be a shame to waste it.

I actually sat down and played the piano for a bit yesterday. That's something I haven't done in months. It reminded me of all the times I would play for my Mom and Dad, and how they thought I was so talented. I suppose if I had pursued that I might, in fact, be a concert pianist today, but thankfully I'm still pretty good at sight-reading and if I just practice a little bit, I can pull of some pretty good stuff. If I can resurrect some Bach, Chopin and Mozart, I'm a happy camper!

And then there's the Tiki Hut. It's begging to come out, but I have some other items I need to clear out of my house before I set that up again.

I guess that this week I'm reminded of all the things I really enjoy doing besides triathlon, which I don't talk about so much on this blog, because, well, this is Crackhead's Mind of Iron. So enough about the non-tri stuff.

If you're catching up on me, don't forget to read the NothingMan 2008 announcement below.

Weekly Workout Totals	03/10/2008-03/16/2008
Swim:	10000 yards (5.68 miles) in 3.55 hours; 23% of weekly workout time; approx. 1243 calories burned
Bike:	Approx. 103.55 miles in 5.92 hours; 39% of weekly workout time; approx. 2663 calories burned; Total TSS=463
Run:	Approx. 27.17 miles in 4.1 hours; 27% of weekly workout time; approx. 1858 calories burned
Strength:	1.64 hours; 11% of weekly workout time; approx. 410 calories burned
All Sports:	Approx. 136.4 miles in 15.21 hours; approx. 6174 calories burned
Sleep:	8.21 hours avg./night
Stretching:	2.32 hours. Massage: 0 hours

Full NothingMan 2008

It's Saturday, 9/13/2008. Start time will be 6:00AM (we need to be out of the pool by 8AM because Masters swim begins then). Contact me if you are interested and have the cojones to do this without all the NAS Sports (or whatever it's called now) hoopla.

• No participant booklet.
• No registration fee.
• No expo.
• No day before bike check in (you can just show up day of if you want).
• No T-shirts.
• No medals.
• No awards.
• Nobody yelling, "YOU ARE A NOTHINGMAN" at the finish.
• No official timing.
• No (or very little) support.
  
• No packet pickup.
• No age groups.
• No bib numbers.
• No drafting penalties (in fact, drafting on the bike is highly encouraged)

You do need to be prepared, though. Virgins will have their preparation carefully scrutinzed by me. Participants need to be able to finish the swim in under 1:30, the bike in under 7:00, and while you technically have until midnight to finish the run, the pizza might be gone by then.

I can accommodate 6 people in my house, or there are nearby hotels/motels like Sybaris, for example, in case you feel you need to have an orgy before or after, or if you'd rather stay elsewhere (some people find me scary).

Once you are committed, it's up to you to do the training, etc. There are currently EIGHT AVAILABLE SLOTS for the full. There is no limit on folks doing a partial training day.

If you are interested, leave a comment with your Blogger ID that shows your email address, and I'll contact you via email.

I Want to Scream!!!

sprockets

But first, we dance :)

I'm training. That's good. I took Sunday off. Monday AM I did an easy swim drill workout. Mid-day I got on the bike for 1 hour--my intent was to ride/spin easy. Well that is just way too boring so I did my usual warmup and then ramped up for some 90% of FT time (2x10' w/2' rest) and ended up with some 30/30's. The nice thing about 30/30's is that depending on how hard the workout was before you do them, you can really crank out some watts. Since my preceding time was relatively easy, I was hitting some really sweet numbers. I almost rode more than an hour, but stopped myself, knowing that HIM recovery can be iffy.

Yesterday I ran. The plan was to run 1 hour easy, which means Z1-Z2. Well, you know the drill. That is BORING. But I did it for :45, and then I went to run on the track because I couldn't stand it any longer. I ran 10', trying to keep it maybe Z3, but I ended up in upper Z3. Then I was REALLY going to run for 5' easy, but after 2 laps, I was lapped by a hottie dude, and I figured I could keep up with him (I had been running faster than him for the earlier bout), and I am pretty sure he sped up knowing I was on his tail. I felt fine holding his pace, but my leg muscles were screaming STOP. So I did. I talked to the guy, Nicola--turns out we had met last summer in the pool. Nice guy. He's training to geta position as a professional soccer referee! And you know how much they run! I gave him some tips (unbelievable, I know) on his running, since I had watched him run. Pretty good form except he needs to up his cadence. He was happy for the advice, saying he'd never had someone watch him run before.

Well I knew pretty much within an hour that I shouldn't have run on the track AT ALL, but I still had a strength workout to do, which I began after finishing work for the day. Fuuuuuuuck...I wanted to cry I felt so wiped out! But I did most of the workout (56' worth), and I have about 10' to finish up today. I'm glad I did it and I feel fine today.

This morning I wake up at 5AM ON MY OWN (my body knows that spring is coming), but manage to fall back asleep for about :30 and then the I hear the coffee pot start up, so it's time to get up, then put on PJ's, get a cup of coffee, check my email, and find that I need to get some documentation over to my tax accountant, so I print that stuff off, put it in an envelope, get my swim bag together, prep my goggles, put on my swimsuit and real clothes, take the garbage and recycleables out to the curb, grab 1/2 cup more coffee, get in the car, drive to the tax accountant to drop the stuff off (made it there by 6:30), have a short little stress cry in the car listening to the song 'Keep Control' (lyrics following) while driving to the Y to swim, get in for a 2800 yard workout and thank GOD the pool is nice and cold (but sadly, there is no scenery today), am swimming pretty well (I guess the increase in intensity and yardage is starting to work) and decide it's so nice I may as well make it an even 3,000 yards (especially since I'm wearing my brand-spanking-new custom Crackhead suit), get out, shower and shave, figure I have a few minutes to spend in the sauna to stretch/decompress (7' as it turned out), get dressed, drive home, log into work and want to scream as I have 2 customer calls this morning that will be challenging, but hey, I heard ducks flying over my house at 6:00AM so they must know that spring is coming, right? and on the way home I heard a cardinal singing and I know I am going to want to scream several times today but I think I'll make it through.

think it's time to put an end to it
try clean my head again
start to resuscitate my engine
try to walk back where i ran

keep control, of me
try to keep the frequency
keep control, of me
try to keep the frequency

i break up all the things behind me
going on the other way
try to find myself again slowly
to move on the other day

keep control, of me
try to keep the frequency
keep control, of me
try to keep the frequency

something new has moved into my life
an essential missing part
takes control of my past addiction
and reanimates my heart

keep control, of me
try to keep the frequency
keep control, of me
try to keep the frequency

keep control..

Weekly Workout Totals 03/03/2008-03/09/2008

Not a bad week considering it included a little "race" (see following post) and 2 full days off. Yesterday, I felt like I had, indeed, raced, in the sense of how tired I felt. We'll see how I'm doing as my own coach over the next few days as I ramp back up.

Weekly Workout Totals	03/03/2008-03/09/2008
Swim:	7700 yards (4.37 miles) in 2.67 hours; 19% of weekly workout time; approx. 933 calories burned
Bike:	Approx. 99.76 miles in 5.48 hours; 39% of weekly workout time; approx. 2469 calories burned; Total TSS=435
Run:	Approx. 27.59 miles in 4.2 hours; 30% of weekly workout time; approx. 1904 calories burned
Strength:	1.73 hours; 12% of weekly workout time; approx. 433 calories burned
All Sports:	Approx. 131.72 miles in 14.08 hours; approx. 5739 calories burned
Sleep:	8.29 hours avg./night
Stretching:	1.85 hours. Massage: 0 hours

Race Report: First HTFU Half Indoor NothingMan of 2008

Pics are here.

OK, so I didn't announce I was doing this because, well, the way things have gone the past few months, anything could happen. But I was pretty sure it was going to be game on. I figured as long as I was hitting some decent training amounts, I may as well do a HIM. I scheduled it about 4 weeks ago just to give myself something to look forward to. Hard to believe, but I haven't raced since last September's NothingMan!

I knew that my bike fitness was there, and probably also my run fitness. As far as swimming, I still haven't been swimming enough to pick up any appreciable speed yet, but that should start happening in a few weeks. The investment of time for me to noticeably improve at swimming is just not worth the time, although my body certainly appreciates swimming as cross training and recovery.

Why a HIM? Why the hell not? I do need to get ready for Triple T, and it's not like I did a winter marathon or anything, so may as well combine the long bike and run and just get it done.

It was interesting yesterday taking a rest day. I stretched. I worked, but it wasn't a difficult work day. I did a few Dominatrix activities. But mostly I felt pretty relaxed about the whole thing. I did laugh, though, because I had to fix bottles. Today was my first time in 2008 using my custom Infinit mix (with CAFFEINE!) and Ultrafuel prior to racing and deciding what I wanted to use on the run, which turned out to be mostly Coke. I am not yet feeling the need for the old Ultra Violence. Actually, today was the first time in 2008 that I have even used caffeine during a workout, and I must say, I still love the stuff. Especially when you know you are going to bore yourself to death by doing a HIM all indoors, all by your lonesome.

As is usually the case, I felt compelled to really load up at dinner--really mostly post-dinner. I had some mahi-mahi and peas. Then saltines with romano cheese. Then I decided I deserved one of the Fannie Mae creme eggs (available only near Easter). I had bought 2 of them, and after polishing off the first one figured I may as well eat the other one, too. They were both good. Also, whereas the day before I thought maybe no beer the night before the "race," I reconsidered and had 2. So I was plenty carbed up to go.

I slept really well except for a few anticipatory bouts of hotness. My metabolism still senses when it's going to be asked to kick in bigtime, and this is why I think it's sometimes difficult to sleep the night before a race. Although lately at the rate I've been training and well, just living, my metabolism has been pretty high, and I've been careful to keep the house fairly cool at night (67 seems about right for me).

Since I didn't have to travel far to swim, I set the alarm for 5:00AM. No biggie there--on M/W/F when I swim I've been getting up easily at 5:30 lately. I messed around with my training spreadsheet for a bit, drank coffee, ate my usual Power Bar Triple Threat, and around 5:45AM I drank the Ultrafuel. Well, one thing that never changes is the stuff makes me gag. I just chug it all down and wait for the inevitable insulin coma, as my body quickly tries to do something with the giant sugar bomb I have just drunk.

I felt pretty good getting up this morning, and as the sun came up, I saw it was snowing. Fucking excellent! And only about 20 degrees Fahrenheit. Couldn't have picked a better day to do this, I say!

When I got on deck at the pool, some guy flagged me as a triathlete--I have no idea how--do I just look like one? Anyway, we chatted a bit, and it turns out he's doing his first HIM at Steelhead this summer. At this point I hadn't told him what I was doing, but eventually I told him I was doing a HIM RIGHT NOW and it was just to "see where the fitness is." Of course then he asked me what other triathlons I've done, and then I said I hadn't raced since last September, and he figured I did IMWI, but I told him no, me and a guy did it unsupported. Now he's probably thinking I'm a little nuts, but I'm used to that. He swims on the Masters team and I know many of them. I ended up sharing a lane with this guy, and he did try and "race" me every now and then, not that I was going very fast--I was just cruising.

Swim time: 41:09 for 2200 yards. Pretty crappy, but not as crappy as I thought I might do. I really wasn't trying at all, and I felt solid the entire time. I mean, 2200 yards, even though I'm not in IM shape yet, is still nothing as far as my endurance goes.

Out of the pool, quick shower, and change into biking clothes. Make some woman who speaks broken English take a photo, and I drive back home to get on the bike.

T1 time: 24:11. Long, I know, but hey, I was in no hurry.

I used my road bike, as that's all I've been riding this winter. I had pegged my FTP at 205 (I think it's really closer to 210 now, but let's prove it today, eh?), and decided to hold myself between 80-85% of FTP for HIM pacing. Actually mostly closer to 80%, because I had no idea whether I'd blow up on the run. I have done HIM rides anywhere from 78-88% of FTP. I think I'm good at about 85%, but I'll save that for a "real" race.

I warmed up easy at 70% for 30 minutes and then kicked it in. After about an hour, I noticed my legs were protesting a bit, and I just told them to STFU. This is the first time I've done a HIM simulation ride wholly on the trainer. It ain't easy. At 80% of FTP you are definitely working, but without an opportunity to coast or get a slingshot from passing someone (which is legal), it's tough to just keep pedaling, pedaling, pedaling at the same power output. I changed my gears here and there and stood up a few times, but that's about it. I couldn't tell if the reason my legs hurt a bit was because I effectively didn't taper (and I did 2 fucking hard bike workouts earlier in the week) or because I am just a wuss. Nevertheless, periodically I'd look in the mirror and tell myself to just HARDEN THE FUCK UP because it had to be done. Actually, it was kind of nice to feel the old pain of a good, hard effort. I'll take that any day over work, death, a boring, useless life, or being out of shape. Being in shape requires pain, no?

Since I was on the road bike which has a very different position than my Bitch, I expected my speed to be slower than I would normally do. Below are the bike statistics:

Elapsed Time: 3:05.38
Ride Time: 2:59.52
NP=160, IF=.78 (yay), TSS=202

God damn, I sure hope I can ride faster than that on my tri bike!

T2: 25:29 I fucked around with the camera, dumping the pics on it in case it got full, and then I had to WAIT for a treadmill at the Y.

Luckily, I got the endo-treadmill which is right under a nice ceiling fan, and it's a little cooler there because there's some airflow in from the track/basketball court area. I decided I'd try and do a progressive run, where the speed increases. I started in Z1 and only went up to Z3, which is fine for my first time out at a HIM this year. For the first 20 minutes, my legs felt like shit, and my stomach did, too. I have only done 2 brick runs before this! But I tried to forget that I had been on a bike before this and just think like I was doing my long run, and after that first 20 minutes, my legs felt pretty much OK. I was sweating bullets, which cause many onlookers to look at me funny--I sweat a lot normally during a long run, but as soon as I got on the treadmill today, I already felt like it was really humid in the room, and it wasn't going to get any better.

What can I say? The run was boring. Boring, boring, boring, and then more boring. But I was happy that I didn't feel too bad and that I could run off the bike at all!

Run stats: 13.1 miles in 2:01.45, or 9:18/mile, which is fine by me. I feel like I can bring that down to 9:05 or even 9:00 in a HIM, or at least I should be able to do that.

Total elapsed time: 6:38
Net moving time: 5:50.46

Not too bad for my first HIM in a long time. I'm happiest about how well I ran, since I totally changed up my run training this winter--up until 2 weeks ago, I've only been doing 3 runs per week, but still holding down decent volume. And only having run off the bike twice (for 30 minutes, no less), makes the run even sweeter. The bike I'm not worried about, as it was the road bike, and I think I biked pretty hard earlier in the week and should have rested a bit more. Oh well! As far as the swim goes, well, my endurance is there, and my speed is returning in bits and pieces over the last 2 weeks. So all in all, this was a solid effort for me, all things considered. I have 2 more of these (assuming my body holds up with the training) planned before Triple T. I'd always wanted to do a HIM per month over a summer, but this is as good as it's going to get right now. I can't plan any away time just yet, but I can still get my fix and feel the pain.

After I showered and got some Endurox R4 in me, I headed to the Chicken Basket for my post-race meal. On the way there, man, I wanted every form of food--candy, burgers, fish, you name it. Every restaurant was calling my name. I always figure that I need the 4 basic food groups after a race--salt, fat, beer and meat. Chicken Basket serves it up in spades! I ate 2 biscuits with butter and tons of honey, a cup of chicken dumpling soup, a giant Warsteiner Weiss beer, half of the coleslaw, half of the fries, a leg and a wing. The rest of my meal is waiting for my next hunger attack, which will be any time now.

Oh and when I got home, guess what had been delivered? My custom Splish Crackhead suit, which I'll wear at my next "race." Any of you ladies out there are welcome to order my design to show a little solidarity. The design is here.

Time to put my legs up and wait for my stomach to command me to eat again, but for now, it's time for another beer!

Happy Hump Day!

The pics are of my "torture chamber" at home. I've had the machine for over 15 years; one of my best investments ever. I think it needs a HTFU sticker!

Shelley asked about glute exercises. There's a link in my sidebar that is an awesome directory of all things muscular and strength and stretching exercises, but here it is as well.

So for starters, click on it and then look under Gluteus, and pick your poison: maximus (the biggest part of the booty and generates the most power for things like kicking as in kick-boxing, not kicking as in flutter kick--flutter kick relies more on ankle flexibility and hip flexor strength), medius and minimus (abduction/internal rotation), to see what exercises are recommended there. I do most of them, but I don't do the "good mornings," which are shown in the Hip Extension area. I have low pulleys on my weight machine, and I do abduction (working leg away from machine; kick to outside), adduction (working leg next to machine; kick across and in front of other leg) and also kick backs (face the machine; kick working leg behind you straight-legged).

I think everyone knows squats work your glutes, too, and I do them with dumbbells. I feel that using dumbbells you work your glutes more than if you use the bar.

The last exercise that I do for glutes is with ankle weights (3-5 lbs. each ankle). Lay on your stomach. Keeping your pelvis flat and stabilized, lift one leg up slowly--you only need to go to about 45 degrees--and lower. Repeat 15 times and do 2 sets for each leg twice a week.

So the butt-specific portion of my strength routine is:

1. Cable abduction
2. Cable adduction
3. Cable kick backs
4. Lying leg raises
5. Dumbbell squats

I also do unweighted wall squats using a stability ball (squeezing Spiderman between my legs) and then Dirty 30's (you can read how to do Dirty 30's by clicking on the abs/core routine link in my sidebar), and I am doing those more for hip flexor strength and knee stabilization, but bonus is glutes get a workout, too.

FYI, sitting on your ass is not at all good for your glutes. In fact, it's sitting a lot that causes a lot of hip and back issues. Even though there's no proof that strength training reduces injury or contributes to successful swimming, biking, and running, I do it to have strength for everyday activities like lifting stuff, shoveling snow, etc., and hey, having a decent backside can't hurt!

Great workout, Opera, Day Off, More great workouts

I'm always surprised to see how fit I can get in a relatively short amount of time. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm there (OK swimming not so much but biking and running for sure).

After Sunday's little brick festival, I wondered if I could pull off a decent ride on Monday afternoon. I sure did--TSS of 107 in 1:15, so my FT is definitely on the rise.

Last night I went to see The Barber of Seville with one of my best friends, and we had a blast, mostly before and after, getting some quality time to spend talking and (gasp!) drinking. We had wine with dinner and then champagne before and at intermission of the opera, which was pretty good the first half and a bit slow the second half. But I got a kick out of the set design which was Rene Magritte-esque, featuring sky blue with puffy clouds, sometimes suspended red chairs. Since the performance went well beyond my normal bedtime, I drank a cup of coffee right after dinner, knowing I wouldn't be able to fall asleep later. I'm not exactly sure how much "sleep" I got last night, but I didn't care because I took today off.

So now that I've written myself a training schedule, I see I'm supposed to do this track workout, which I've done before, but as has been commonplace the last few months, it scared me a bit:

WU: 10' Easy, 8 x Strides, 3 x 1' (30") @ 5k pace
MS: 3 x (6' @ 10k pace, 2' @ 5k pace, 2' walking recovery)
CD: 10' Easy

I've been doing some respectable tempo work for about 3 weeks now, but I had no clue whether I could pull this off, especially with a hangover. But hey, I ran the main set repeats faster than I ever did them a year ago, how about that? In trying to understand why this might be, I think it's a number of things--this is the first winter in 3 years that I haven't beaten myself up with fall and winter racing, and so I think my body has been able to really, REALLY absorb all the work I've been putting in. Oh, I guess that means I'm doing a "normal" training season? Perhaps...but my work ethic hasn't disappeared, and I kinda enjoyed the track workout--even when some dude who works at the Y was clearly watching me run around the track. I just didn't care. Afterwards, since I was in no rush, I spent some quality time stretching in the cardio studio (or whatever it's called) that is a big, fully mirrored room. I messed around with some of the Body Bars and checked out the spin bikes (you won't see me on them), and enjoyed the solitude of having such a big room (with mirrors!) all to myself.

When I got up this morning, I noticed my left glutes were sore. WTF??? Maybe, MAYBE at long last my left side is waking up. Lots of triathletes have difficulty getting all parts of their glutes to fire, and I'm no exception, especially with the biomechanical issues that I have. Anyway, it felt good for once to have a sore ass, and maybe all the biking I'm doing has contributed, too, and maybe because I've been literally hanging off a high bar a couple of times a week to let my spine stretch out, some former slacker muscles are activating.

So it was interesting to start the track workout with sore glutes, but the workout didn't make anything worse, and now I just finished my strength workout, yip-fucking-ee, because why? Because I'm done with my maximum strength phase, and I think that's been helping me be strong for my biking and running (and swimming--some of my "speed" is returning).

Everything could come crashing down on me at any moment, but for right now, things are pretty good. I enjoyed my day off and avoided loading it up with lots of crap. Now I just need a good night's sleep so I can hit it hard tomorrow.

Weekly Workout Totals 2/25/2008-3/2/2008 and BEST WATER EVER!

Swam this AM, and the water was ALMOST COLD! Last Wednesday when I swam it was pretty nice, but this morning it was even better. I'd say the temperature was maybe 81--it could have been 80. All I know is that below 80 I am freezing (sans wetsuit), and this morning I didn't rest very much because I'd get chilled. Also, I had goosebumps when I got out. NICE! I almost stuck around just so I could hear the water aerobics ladies complain about how cold it is. I hope the water is just as cold on Wednesday.

I guess that counting last week, I've now had 4 good training weeks in a row. There was a time not too long ago that I couldn't see that happening, but it is happening, and I'm happy for it. Yesterday I hit TSS 207 in a 2:30 trainer ride. Yes, that probably means my FT is on the rise, and I am pushing the watts whenever I can right now. By way of example, in the Miami Man 1/2 IM in 2006, my TSS was 173 for a 2:41 ride, so no matter how you cut it, that was a pretty hard ride I did yesterday. And then I ran :30--I was all ready to run outdoors, but it was raining, so I just hurried up and drove to the Y and ran on the treadmill, wearing running tights and a bra top. When I was about done, some woman gets on the TFM next to me and asks me if I know how to use it. Well, not really, I just hit start and manipulate the speed according to what I think I need to do, so I know how to do that, but these new TFM's are all touch screen and pretty easy to figure out. At first I told her to go get a trainer to show her (I guess she figured I looked like one of them?), but then I was almost done, and I figured out what she wanted to do. And then she starts walking, but she's holding on to the TFM, so I figured that since I had helped her and since she probably figured me for some sort of "exercise buff" (!), I told her that it didn't count if you held on, that you weren't getting a good workout, and I told her to slow down the speed to the point where she could just walk without holding on. I have no idea whether she took my advice or not, but I could tell other "walkers" heard me say those heinous words. Actually, I couldn't believe that woman was brave enough to get on the TFM next to me because after already having spend 2:30 on the trainer, I did not smell very nice at all.

Here's to another good week for me and for everyone reading!

Weekly Workout Totals	02/25/2008-03/02/2008
Swim:	8400 yards (4.77 miles) in 2.93 hours; 19% of weekly workout time; approx. 1027 calories burned
Bike:	Approx. 109.39 miles in 6.25 hours; 40% of weekly workout time; approx. 2814 calories burned; Total TSS=516
Run:	Approx. 32.61 miles in 5.01 hours; 32% of weekly workout time; approx. 2276 calories burned
Strength:	1.62 hours; 10% of weekly workout time; approx. 405 calories burned
All Sports:	Approx. 146.77 miles in 15.81 hours; approx. 6522 calories burned
Sleep:	8.39 hours avg./night
Stretching:	2.38 hours. Massage: 0 hours

A Saturday Post for the Hell of It

Fe-Lady asked what is TSS. TSS=Training Stress Score, which is a measurement of how hard you worked during a bike workout. You need to have a power meter in order to calculate this, and the Ergomo shows you "realtime" TSS while you work out. Which is kind of cool, because if you are a person motivated by numbers (as I am), seeing the number can give you motivation to work hard(er). Just even 2 months ago, I wasn't looking at or caring about my TSS, because I was too emotionally trashed to work hard enough to want to look at the number, because it would just contribute to how poorly I felt. But once I started feeling better (late January), I started caring about the numbers again, and truth be told, during the last 15 minutes of every trainer ride I work harder than I probably should just because I want to see at least 100 TSS for the ride. That's on my weekday rides--for my longer weekend ride, I'm looking for at least 150--200 would be better--but I can save that up for once I start riding outdoors. Jay reminded me that a total TSS of 500 for a week is a good amount for IM build riding. Since I've been riding 4 days per week this winter, now I'm staying around 500 each week, but I may drop back in a few weeks in preparation for outdoor riding--I haven't quite decided yet.

My bike FT watts may be back to my all-time high already--I haven't done a formal test, but I know from what I'm putting out in my workouts about where that number is, and I'm only about 10 watts off from where it was at a high point, and those 10 watts may just be due to riding indoors, but I'm working on pushing the number up anyway. Why? Because I love riding my bike, I love being fast on the bike and I guess I like working hard on the bike. WORK=SPEED ENTERING THE BODY.

There is a way to measure TSS for running, too, if you use a GPS, but I am not into running gadgets at this time. Just a watch. No more HRM. I still don't have an iPod, but that will happen soon enough. You will not see me with the damn thing strapped to my arm, either. That would spoil a perfectly good tan. I have plenty of shorts that should hold the stupid thing just fine, or I may get one of those running hats that has the pocket for the iPod. Anyway, I have been doing tempo work in each of my weekly runs, and I feel like I'm just about as fast as I've ever been, and I might even be a bit faster, but I will need to prove that in a race, right? Some of that may be due to the loss of 2 pounds or not.

I am 2 pounds lighter than my usual "fighting weight" of 112, so now I weigh 110. I laugh at how people say they struggle losing weight--try signing up for Dominatrix duties and let me know how much time you have to stuff your face. Now, 2 pounds over 3 months means a caloric deficit of a measly 78 calories a day. Was I eating less? Perhaps, but I bet it's just the extra busy work I've needed to do which has cut into my "slacking" time. Those 2 pounds will probably come back or maybe not--I don't think I've seen 110 on the scale since I went through a divorce 14 years ago! Back then I actually was down to 107, and yes, even *I* thought I was skinny, and I was. But I didn't have nearly the amount of lean mass that I have today. As to where those 2 pounds came off of my body, well when I take my measurements, I guess it's the "upper" part of my ass. I keep checking to see if my ass has just decided to head south, but if I try and pick it up it doesn't feel like it--it is just a little smaller. Which is hard for me to grasp considering I've been hitting the workouts pretty hard lately. Perhaps once I'm running outdoors on my usual fairly hilly routes my ass will show back up. That and riding on actual hills and standing up more on the bike usually does it.

Speaking of which, aging sucks. I mean, thank you anyone who tells me "you look good for your age." Some of this is just a reflection of the stress I've been under the last few months, and some of it is, well, I'm just fucking old. And it does suck. But it would suck a whole lot more if I wasn't in shape, and I can imagine I could look a whole lot worse. I still have fantastic abs, except my fucking skin isn't as elastic as it used to be. Oh well--all photos of me will now be taken in the upright and locked position! I still think I look OK in a swimsuit and skimpy running clothes, but I am holding off on the thong evaluation for a few months. That train may have just left the station! I assume that someone will tell me I shouldn't wear such revealing workout clothes because I look hideous, and then I will modify my wardrobe.

Odd that I'm sitting here writing a post--for some reason I was motivated to get up at 5:45AM today so I could swim before my long run, and well, I don't have any Dominatrix duties to do this weekend (yet, anyway), and so I'm going to go buy some books. I did catch some USA gymnastics on TV, and it reminded me of the Summer Olympics, and that will be awesome, because I love watching the male gymnasts and swimmers. OK, so I'll watch the female swimmers, too, but tough to beat the guys. What can I say, I love muscle and I love cut physiques.

Why am I training so much so early? Because I slacked for over a month during the fall and early winter and I felt like shit and now I don't and the reason is because I made myself work out. And I needed to see if I could still do it so I would know that I could still manage an Ironman this year and the answer is YES. This is the stuff that makes me strong, and I am so grateful for all the stuff I got to do in 2007--in retrospect, that was a crazy year--2 IM's, an open marathon and almost another IM (Triple T), and the most biking I've ever done. Something about that prepared me for what came after, and something about what I'm doing now is preparing me for whatever the next thing is, and that's good enough for me.

2 Good Weeks in a Row

Weekly Workout Totals	02/18/2008-02/24/2008
Swim:	8300 yards (4.71 miles) in 3.07 hours; 19% of weekly workout time; approx. 1074 calories burned
Bike:	Approx. 115.02 miles in 6.28 hours; 39% of weekly workout time; approx. 2828 calories burned
Run:	Approx. 31.7 miles in 4.86 hours; 30% of weekly workout time; approx. 2207 calories burned
Strength:	1.83 hours; 11% of weekly workout time; approx. 458 calories burned
All Sports:	Approx. 151.43 miles in 16.04 hours; approx. 6567 calories burned
Sleep:	8.93 hours avg./night
Stretching:	2.13 hours. Massage: 0 hours

Hard to believe, but I had another good week. Don't get me wrong--there was one Dominatrix-related (I call myself Dominatrix, although technically the term is Executrix for a female Executor. No I don't have a whip (yet), and I'm not saying what I do have) event, but I weathered it quite well. Here's a bunch of good stuff that happened this week:

1. I saw the B-man at the pool on Wednesday. Sadly, did not get to swim in the same lane with him. And I was wearing my pink flame suit!
2. I did 3 swim workouts. Did you read that? WORKOUTS. No more of that slow drill crap. Crackhead needs to get back on the speed (whatever little I have, that is) wagon. Every now and then, I would see a sign that it's coming back.
   
3. I did my first 2-hour run of 2008 on Saturday. On the tread-fucking-mill (TFM). I did a progressive (increasing pace) run including the fun tempo part at the end.
4. I did my first brick run of 2008 (and first one since, um...NothingMan) today, and IT WAS GOOD. And OUTDOORS! It didn't even feel that bad.
5. I made (gasp) a tentative training schedule through IMLP. I'm going to do it, dammit, come hell or high water, Dominatrix shit or not. Also Triple T in May.
   

I need a vacation BAD(ly). But at least since I'm training a decent amount, I can eat more tasty, bad stuff like good Italian cheese, jelly beans and some chips every now and then. I have a ton of Dominatrix shit to do what with it being tax time and all, but that should taper off in the next few weeks, and then before you know it, it will be spring and there will be color in my yard and in my face and more running outdoors and pretty soon biking outdoors, and it will be good.

Just the facts

Weekly Workout Totals	02/11/2008-02/17/2008
Swim:	7400 yards (4.2 miles) in 2.68 hours; 17% of weekly workout time; approx. 939 calories burned
Bike:	Approx. 108.21 miles in 6.18 hours; 39% of weekly workout time; approx. 2784 calories burned
Run:	Approx. 28.4 miles in 4.42 hours; 28% of weekly workout time; approx. 2010 calories burned
Strength:	2.73 hours; 17% of weekly workout time; approx. 683 calories burned
All Sports:	Approx. 140.81 miles in 16.01 hours; approx. 6416 calories burned
Sleep:	8.86 hours avg./night
Stretching:	2.38 hours. Massage: 0 hours

Not too bad, eh? I even looked at my IMLP registration and got a chuckle that I registered as "Crackhead." I still don't have much time for forums or blogging or reading much about triathlon. But I am doing it.

I forget--is a TSS of 500 good for a week?

Rough around the edges

Someone pinged me to find out what's going on with me.

Well, it's only 3 months since my Dad died, and I am doing a lot better than a month ago. But I guess not as well as I thought. It's really a rollercoaster ride. I can say that I have never gone through something so challenging before in my life. Losing someone you love is bad enough, but this whole Executor thing is a time drain--not just the actual time I spend doing the stuff, but it's the psychic aftermath, i.e., the stress, that is not too good. Add to that the fact that I truly believe I suffer from S.A.D. (Seasonal Affective Disorder), and that we've been getting quite a bit of snow regularly, and moving it around takes time and energy, too, and there are just a lot of things putting stress on me. I know there are folks who have far worse life circumstances, but right now that doesn't comfort me one iota. It's MY life, dammit, and I get to feel how I want about it.

I am the eternal optimist, however, as I know that things have gotten and will continue to get better. I spoke with a grief counselor, and she asked me whether I felt I'm depressed. Hell yeah! Severely so? No. I think it's probably a "normal" amount given my situation right now. A month ago there were days when I just didn't know how I was going to get through them. That is mostly gone. I am mostly able to sleep well. But I still hate winter, I still feel like I'm drowning in fucking paper, I still feel like I have to check whatever other people say they are going to do because there are a lot of fuck ups going on, and hey, I'm a control freak and perfectionist, so that kind of shit drives me nuts.

Whew, that felt good to say!

I am getting in some training--the one thing I've been consistent about is lifting weights. Isn't that funny? And then I've been getting a lot of extra strength work with the snow moving. I know that March is just around the corner, which means less cold, less snow, and yes, more running outdoors. I can't tell you how many times I would have swum except that I needed to clear snow which meant swimming had to go, or else I would have needed to get up at like 4AM to shovel, which I am not about to do--I need all the sleep I can get right now.

Once the weather settles and I get through "tax season" (oh the joy of dealing with someone else's taxes in addition to my own), I will hopefully plan a trip somewhere warm and paper-free. It will be a start, and that's what I feel like I need right now--a fresh start.

I Don't Want to Jinx Myself

I guess I was getting used to feeling so badly and then there's all the usual expected (from what I read) feelings during grief of feeling guilty about feeling good that I've been reluctant to say that I'm getting on with my life and doing a lot better.

Yet I know something must be happening because so far (knock wood) I've been able to sleep well this week, I've started having good dreams (last night's included Peter Reid, of all people), I wanted to do an actual swim workout today instead of just lazy-ass drills, I want to look at the power meter on the bike and hit specific numbers, and (gasp!) I want to order new running shoes.

I know people have different ways of dealing with difficulties in their lives, but for me, exercise is salvation. I no longer look for some ultra-special meaning that I think should be there, or how the dots all get connected--that's just how it is for me. I suppose I could go to a shrink and have a conversation like this:

Shrink: So why are you here?
Me: I want to find out if there is a deeper meaning to this need I seem to have for large amounts of exercise.
Shrink: Does exercise make you feel good?
Me: Yes, very much so.
Shrink: Why do you think that is?
Me: Because I feel relaxed afterwards and problems don't seem to bother me as much and I can eat a little bit more or not be so worried about exactly what it is I eat and I think I look better and I think I meet really interesting people doing it and hell, riding my bike is just plain fun and sometimes so is running and swimming, well that's a skill I'm not that good at but I am always working on it because somehow I think it's good for my brain, but maybe sometimes I do it to escape from thinking about my own problems.
Shrink: Wow--that's a lot of things about exercise that seems to make you feel good. I hear there are claims that it's good for your overall health, too. Now let's talk about that escape thing.
Me: Is it wrong to want to escape from the trap that is our brain and thinking all the time and focusing on all that's wrong?
Shrink: Some people think meditation is a good way to calm down the mind.
Me: So what if exercise is meditation for me? Does that make it OK?
Shrink: Do you think it hurts you?
Me: I suppose there are times when I would rather go ride my bike instead of some social activity.
Shrink: Do you think you need more social activity?
Me: Probably. But I have no idea if I'm better or worse off than the average person. Sure, sometimes I wish I was in a committed relationship, but the ones I've had I messed up, and this current arrangement seems to work for me somehow. I think some people think that because I like the exercise so much that I wouldn't make room for a committed relationship, but that's simply not true. Apparently I had time to be an Executor for my Dad, which is something I just added to my life, yet I don't feel like I've subtracted anything. Plus, I know at some point that I will slow down and not want to do as much exercise, but maybe by then it will be too late? Sometimes I think I exercise so that I don't have to think about that!

So...I go through this thought process every 2-5 years (more frequently in the last 10, I'd say), and right now I can't come up with a better life model for myself. Can my life be better? Of course. Am I doing everything I can to make it better? Maybe not, but I'm doing what I can. And that's really all I can do.

I'm not sure how this came out...it seemed to be just my fingers typing!

I Must be Getting Better--I'm Posting Again

I'm still having bad days, no doubt, but the general direction is good.

I realize now that I really didn't grieve for my Mom back in 2006, so I'm experiencing at least a double-whammy (maybe triple if you add in being Executor now). I can now look back over the last 2 months and say that when I cried, I was crying for myself, in terms of feeling so overwhelmed by things. Now I'm able to cry and it is just crying because I'm sad, which feels better. I understand sadness--I need to just let it be.

I'm starting to feel like I'm getting some fitness back--biking and running that is. Swimming is still optional depending on whether I got enough sleep and feel like hauling my butt to the pool early in the morning. But the interesting thing is that when I do swim it is feeling different--almost like I'm starting over. Isn't that interesting? I think I've just become more acutely aware of my form, and since I've given myself a bye in terms of any semblance of speed, I am focusing more on form.

I've found some really good sites about grief, and it helps me feel better to know that almost every strange thing I'm experiencing is quite normal. So now when I catch myself being absent-minded or unable to focus or restless or sleepless, I just acknowledge it and forgive myself. In other words, I'm letting the process play out. I also have some perspective in that my parents both lived a decent length of time (78 and 81, respectively). While that doesn't diminish my sadness, reading about and listening to others talk about truly tragic deaths makes me feel fortunate to have had my parents for as long as I did (excellent site: http://thegriefblog.com) .

I also now see that I don't think I had developed a good sense of compassion for others, and I hope I become better at that. I still wince when others treat me with ill will, but I am committed to not dishing it back out whenever possible.

I was totally shocked today when someone at the Y accused me of working out really hard and being much younger than I am! I was on the treadmill, and thought I looked like total shit, having spent about 20 mins. on my way in crying and sharing with a friend. And I still feel out of shape and well, just old. So it was nice to receive an unsolicited compliment, which upon receipt I babbled rather quickly that I wasn't running as much as usual, and that I also biked and swam, and for a split second I thought, "Yeah--that's who I am in a nutshell." And I was OK with that. I'm sure I'll go through many periods in the future where I am searching for more and more meaning to my existence, but sometimes I think it can truly be as simple as for me as working out, because when I do, I feel good about myself and everything around me and feel like I can be open to other meaning and higher contributions to friends, family and society in general.

Another thing I've realized is that I've been slouching way more than usual (which for me is not much at all). I think this has been part of the overall feeling of being overwhelmed and having my eyes focused downward instead of up and forward. At least I am starting to catch myself at it and wonder why I would be slumped over? At least it's been over a week since I've experienced "jelly legs" which is an odd manifestation of the grief process where my legs go all weak on me just before or even during a workout. I've pushed through that and am hopefully done with that crap. Now, having jelly legs because I've totally exhausted myself in a race is a completely different matter!

I still love and crave the feeling of exhaustion from having worked out hard. It is much, much better than the feeling of emotional and physical exhaustion from being overwhelmed by grief. I do have to say, though, that I'm glad I know the difference. I can't imagine feeling only the stress reaction and not knowing that you could return to a place of blissful exhaustion!

I am moving forward on my house purge...I've got a ways to go, but it's one thing that I feel like I can safely do now and feel good about such a small accomplishment and then be ready for bigger things later in the year. I can't have too many projects for myself right now--my hands are still full--but my capacity is slowly growing.

Please say a special prayer for my friend, Cindy. Her father in law was in a terrible car accident a week ago, and his condition is grave. I only hope that I can provide some comfort to Cindy and her family as she has done for me.

Happiness = Control + Acceptance + Being in the Moment

And I would say that:

Suffering = (Lack of Control) or (Denial) or (Inability to be in the Moment)

I had this discussion with Cindy a few weeks ago regarding what contributes to our happiness. These are the equations that seem to work for me...I'm not saying they are universal--rather it just helps me to understand myself in a logical way. And this is what is enabling me to escape my own grief, because I know what my own happiness equation is. Notice my definition of happiness doesn't include money or rewards or medals or honors or being better than someone else. Someone else's might, but not for me.

The reason I have never felt that doing an Ironman constituted suffering, then, is because 1) I am 100% in control. I am choosing to do it, I made choices about the amount of training I did to get there, and I choose how I react to whatever is thrown at me on the day. 2) I accept that it might hurt a bit, that I might have bad patches, and 3) that although I might momentarily lapse into thinking about the past or the future, in general I'm there in the moment. So that's why I love Ironman so much!

And I guess it's through having done so many of them that I figured out that it has shown me what makes me happy (haven't I said this before?). Now, the grief that I've been feeling, well, there has been a lot of out-of-controlness, periods of denial and certainly I have been either in the past or spiralling into the unknown future. Yep, I have been suffering! But as I can see my ability to regain control of many things, accept certain changes to my life, and once again focus on being in the moment, I am beginning to feel happy again. I guess my definition of happy isn't the bubbly, over the top thing a lot of people think it is. I'm pretty much good with my personal definition. Don't get me wrong--silliness, exuberance, craziness and Crackheadedness are also very much a part of my vocabulary, but behind it all is the quieter, gentler version of me.

But I want to be Crackhead again. It may be a slightly modified version, but it will come.

Yesterday I was able to "just do the dishes" while washing the dishes. I wasn't forecasting the future or lamenting the past. I wasn't looking for something else to do while I was already doing the one thing. And life was OK for those minutes. And it made me realize that I am still open to all the neat stuff that is life, even though it's peppered with periods of suffering.

I'm still not in the mood to bust out of my little shell and start reading everyone else's blogs. I just don't have the energy for that right now. But it will come--I want to be excited to see what everyone else is up to, and I hope everyone out there is enjoying life, and I hope I can be there for you when you have to go through true suffering, as it's not something anyone should endure alone.