Ironman Brazil--The Race Report I Didn't Write

In the course of exchanging some email with a friend who, like me, trained his ass off for his Ironman race, but didn't have the day he expected, I thought back to my race day and the things I didn't include in my race report. So, get out a box of Kleenex and step inside my head that day.

Isn't it funny how a non-training event can totally derail us? Here I thought I was dealing with my mom's death--that I was somehow "above" falling apart. I didn't have time to fall apart. I planned her funeral. I comforted my dad, my brothers and sisters and other family members before, during and after the funeral. I had training to do, dammit, that would save me. I got it all done and then some. Hell, I didn't even want to take much time off from work, because I thought work would help me move along.

I never really felt like I was falling apart, but slowly I came to the realization that this was a very significant event in my life. Hell, I am still grieving. I am fortunate in that I was able to do an Ironman race during this process because it is definitely a venue for you to experience a full range of emotions, and while executing well in an Ironman is more about stuffing those emotions so you can get on with the business of moving forward, I was given a gift to get through my race carrying a full load of them.

On race morning, after I had methodically put my nutrition on my bike and pumped my tires, I was overcome by sadness. Even though I was surrounded by people who cared about me, the one person who wasn't there was my mom. I began walking around transition in a daze, crying my eyes out. Anyone who saw me probably thought it was normal race morning emotions. For a split second I thought I was crying over how sick I felt. But I knew that my physical sickness paled in comparison to the sensation of my heart breaking over and over. I felt completely lost, even though I knew exactly where I was going that day.

I hunted down Danny, who had lost a brother close to a race in the past. He knew exactly what I must be feeling. He held me close, let me cry, and told me that my mom would be with me all day long helping me get through things. Danny knew I was sick, too, but I bet he knew that that would be the least of my concerns.

When I started the swim, I had this sensation of having lost my will to go on. But all I could think was that I was in the water, so I may as well try to swim. I had to force myself to keep going. It was almost a relief from my grief to deal with being jostled and waves and jellyfish stings and being dizzy. When I got to the halfway point where we had to exit the water and run around a balloon on the beach, I wanted desperately to stop. But what would I be stopping? I wasn't going to be able to stop what I was feeling, so I might as well press on. It was shortly after getting back in the water and getting instructions about where to swim next that I got kicked in the face. My sense of physical pain was very moment to moment--the actual kick hurt, but my mind wasn't about physical pain yet. Again, I knew that stopping and swimming back to shore wasn't going to fix a damn thing, so let's just press on.

Somewhere in that second half of the swim, I actually felt like I had some energy, and swimming was almost pleasurable. What's not to like about gliding through water on a beautiful day? Again, I was thankful for a few moments of peace where I was able to just think about my day. But when I exited the water and noticed my contact lens in my goggles, I failed to recognize the event as my next "gift" to give me a few minutes to think only about that, and not the overwhelming grief that was inside me.

Time moved in slow motion in T1. I remember all these other women whizzing by me and all I am doing is trying to get this stupid contact lens out of my goggles. But it was a pleasant respite from all the activity, and since I knew I wasn't going to be going anywhere too quickly today, I focused on the one thing.

I don't even remember mounting my bike that day. I do remember how pleasant the temperature was and the lack of wind once I was out on the course. I forgot about my bruised nose, the jellyfish stings, the bug bites, the contact lens issue, and went into "ride the bike" mode. Here was something I had practiced so much and so well, that it was simply amazing at how I was able to put the revolutions of my legs, the intermittent glancing at the power meter, the regular drinking, all as background activities, except for paying attention to where I was supposed to turn. It all felt like clockwork. So I had plenty of "time" to think about my mom, and think I did. It was a constant struggle to not get choked up to the point where I'd fall off my bike. Thank God I was sick, and my head or face would start to hurt or I'd have to pee, so those little physical sensations kept intruding and taking me away from my grief. I was so totally blown away at how I could keep doing what I was doing. I have never been so fully relaxed while peeing on my bike. I have no idea who saw me and I surely didn't care. If you look closely at the photo, you can tell that I am probably pretty dehydrated. To me it looks like the skin of my face was being stretched like I was having a face lift.

I remember feeling dizzy a lot on the bike. It was like my face hurts, I'm dizzy, I have to pee over and over and over. And then insert oh by the way keep riding the bike, don't fall off, I am so sad. No wonder the next day when everyone was talking about all the things they had "seen" while riding the bike I couldn't recall a single one of them! My legs kept going, though, and I knew mom must have been riding right alongside me because otherwise how could I possibly be upright? She had always told me how she worried about me when I was out training on my bike alone--what with traffic and the possibility of being stranded. I thought about this several times during the race, and would think, "You don't have to worry about me anymore." The day she died and I had some time with her alone, I kept telling her over and over that it was OK to let go, that she didn't need to suffer any more or worry about me.

I remember noticing many athletes struggling with the headwinds. I didn't feel sorry for them or evaluate their strength or weakness. I did think, though, how nice it must be to have nothing more to be concerned with than the wind! I had this sense of separation from my physical body--that "it" was riding the bike, and didn't need my mind to do so (hey, that's what training is for, right?), and that my mind was just along for the ride trying to figure out what to do besides point out various physical sensations, stay on course, not quit, and think about mom. I didn't let myself think this during the race, but looking back I am truly blessed to have had this sort of experience. It wasn't totally "out of body," but it was pretty close. In true Ironman fashion, I didn't think about my swim or look forward to the run. I am grieving, and I just "happen" to be in the middle of an Ironman race.

When I got to T2, again I had some quiet moments in which to be methodical about getting rid of my pee-soaked socks, slip into fresh running shorts, and try and collect myself. What was I collecting? When I went into the porta-potty and sat down to pee (again!), I broke into major sobs. Once again I was being given the gift of fully experiencing my emotions, but during an Ironman race. I had to ask myself whether I could go on. So I took things one at a time, and first got out of the porta-potty. Next, I did a leg check. Yep, they are still there. Oh my God, though, my mom couldn't even walk the last few days of her life! Well, I can walk, I can even run a bit, so on I go. Thank goodness for sunglasses--without them I am sure people would have been grabbing me trying to find out what was wrong.

A few times during the marathon, I would think about the other athletes and know that some of them were probably experiencing stomach troubles, cramps or just general fatigue. I know how hard it is to do an Ironman, no matter who you are or how you've trained. It doesn't get easier. But then I would hope that none of them were going through the deep sadness that I was feeling. THAT was worse than any sort of physical suffering that day that I could think of. In a bizarre way, if I hadn't been sick, I think I would have given up. The physical sensations seemed to bring me back to reality, and that reality was that I was in an Ironman, I was strong--no matter what my body was doing that day--and I should go on because that's why I'm here! My mom was looking down on me and telling me to take care of myself, to do what I was doing. I also knew that no amount of suffering that I was experiencing could come remotely close to what I saw my mom go through in her last two days of life. I could breathe on my own--she could not. I could walk, swim or ride my bike. She could not. I could cry without my lungs filling up with fluid--she could not. I could eat disgusting sports nutrition for 14 hours--she could not.

All I had to deal with that day were minor annoyances. How could I possibly explain to someone else the depth of what I was feeling that day? And to top it all off, my ego decided to get in on the action post-race. What an incredible emotional ride! But I wouldn't trade it for anything. There are so many things that I have yet to learn from that experience, and just from every day that I am here. Thanks, Mom.

Impromptu Half Ironman (HIM) Race Rehearsal Report

There's a 4th of July ride every year in my area that I've done for probably the last 4 years. Typically, I do the 100k plus another loop because I'm training for some stupid Ironman race, but today I figured the 100k would be fine, and I planned to run :40 off the bike. For the riding, I figured on mostly JFR but then it's been awhile since I've ridden with so many tempting targets to motivate me to put in higher effort levels. I wasn't planning on a HIM rehearsal, but as it turns out, I pretty much got one in, which is good timing since I'm doing a HIM on 7/23.

I did a 4-hour ride/:40 run on Saturday, just 3 days ago. My IF for that ride was only .83 (for those of you without power meters, IF=Intensity Factor, which is the % of your Functional Threshold, or FT, watts you held for the ride), because I allowed myself a little extra noodling time although I got in 1 hour at HIM watts and :20 at FT watts, but the run off the bike felt like total crap, even though I was running at a good pace. Oh--I remember why the run felt like total crap--I hadn't run off a "longish" ride since Ironman Brazil. Sunday I ran 1:40 on my hilly trail course at a good clip and swam :30 afterwards. Yesterday I swam 3300 yds., lifted for 1:06 and ran :55 including strides, so I sort of expected to be tired today, but I guess not.

I did not sleep too well last night, as my metabolism felt so jacked up and I was hot no matter where I tried to sleep in my house, even downstairs where it's maybe 70. Nonetheless, I was excited when I woke up because the weather forecast called for low 80's and low humidity. The day started out with like 90% humidity because some crap storms passed through last night, although they failed to rain on my house, but the weather man insisted that the humidity would burn off in the morning.

My stomach was not doing too well. I actually ate some pasta for dinner last night (thanks peanut gallery for admonishing me to do so), and went to bed with a full stomach, and I still felt full when I woke up today! Normally I would shoot extra carbs before a 4-hour workout, but I just didn't feel like I wanted them. But my good sense got the better of me and I drank a can of Ultra Violence on the 23-mile drive to the ride start. 170 calories, just enough to put me at 400 calories in the tank, which I guess is enough what with my hyperefficient metabolism now (I used to down about 700 calories before events such as today, but luckily I can get away with far less now). Bonus, caffeine, which seemed like a good idea since I hadn't slept particularly well.

There were 10-15MPH north/east winds, no big deal, they don't bother me. As I always say from riding in my general area, "We don't have hills so we must have wind." There were 4 sections to the ride. For the first section I just took it out what felt like moderately hard, less than HIM effort. As it turned out, I was pretty much dead on for HIM watts, and they felt EASY! YEAH, BABY! For the 2nd-4th legs I caught up with and rode with roadies. They weren't even all "oh you're a triathlete" or anything (despite how I was dressed: swimsuit top and low-cut DSS bike shorts). I took some good pulls straight into the headwinds for fun. The roadies said I was good. This is the first time I've gone with the roadies (these were pretty good as roadies go) this season, and I just had a blast. I've tried in past years, but couldn't hold their wheels. And there were LEGIONS of roadies out on this ride. It was like it was a race.

Here I have to insert a HUGE PLUG for my coach--his bike training is DA BOMB. Hey, if a 49 (almost 50) year old tiny female triathlete can hang with the roadies, there must be something to it, don't you think? Especially 5 weeks post-Ironman. I'll take it. Maybe today was a fluke, but we'll see in 3 weeks when I do my first 1/2 Ironman of the year. I really enjoy shorter, harder rides. Well actually I just enjoy hard rides. I started out today intending to take it much easier, but I guess I no longer have that in me. That, I know, is part of my coach's objective. Get you used to riding hard so that it's second nature. And then when you need to dial it down in certain race situations (especially Ironman), you are still riding strongly. It's motivating to see the numbers on the SRM telling me how I'm doing, but it's even more motivating testing myself against others and observing them and seeing how hard they must be working. When I was hanging back in the pace line today (and we're going 22-24MPH), I was like "My God, this is EASY." So I would drop back just so I had to work to catch back up. Towards the end of today's ride, the roadies were slacking just a little (or more likely I was getting stronger--since I train every ride building my effort I am used to working progressively harder), so I just went out front and figured OK let's ride at FT or above, so I did, I dropped the roadies for at least 5', passed another huge pack where one guy commented, "Nice work" and after I thought I got in enough FT work, I dialed it down and let the roadies catch back up to me. Fun, fun, fun!

I ended up at NP of 153 for the entire ride which is IF of .86. My coach's HIM chart pegs me at IF of .88 for HIM, and that seems about right--the .86 didn't feel too bad at all (64 miles at 20MPH). Running off the bike didn't feel too bad either, not that I'd want to do a 1/2 mary today, but I felt fine. I was running about 9:00/mile, which is my target 1/2 Ironman pace. The ride started and ended at a high school, and the track was open, so I did my brick run on it. Of course, there were a couple of other triathletes running on the track, I mean, come on we only rode 64 miles!

I had to laugh at the feed bag some peeps were putting on at the rest stops. I am down to existing on 200-250 cal./hour biking or running. I did manage to eat 2 cookies today, though, and they tasted good. On my way home, I was thinking about what did I want to eat, and truthfully, I didn't feel very hungry. I ended up eating my usual Lean Cuisine for lunch, and hope that hunger will come later today and I'll try and eat more pasta. I have a pretty easy training day tomorrow (1 hour swim and :50 run), but I did burn up about 2100 calories today which is like needing to eat another day's worth of food. I did remember that I have Pringles in the house, and I had a few yesterday, but they just weren't that appetizing. I must just be in a food lull, but as long as my training feels good, I'm not going to worry too much about my calorie intake. Besides, a few beers seems to do the trick. I know, I know--empty calories, but they taste so GOOD in the summer time, don't they?

A chic asked me at one rest stop how I got my stomach tan. I looked at her quizzically and said, "Um....I run." I got a most excellent internal chuckle out of that. I suppose I could have said, "I lay out in the sun for hours at a time and just ride a little bit every now and then." Or, "I sit up on the bike as often as possible to let those rays hit my midsection." Or, "I do a lot of backstroke in the outdoor pool." Speaking of sitting up on the bike, it was 100% aero today, and the aero felt good. So what if only the sides of my stomach caught rays.

One summer when I was doing some swimming at an outdoor pool, I remember someone at work commenting on how could my armpits possibly be tan? And I told that woman it was from swimming in an outdoor pool. She didn't believe me. So I had to go all physics on her. Water. Light colored bottom. Full sunlight. Swimming front crawl with armpits towards bottom of pool. Sun reflects off bottom of pool onto armpits, tanning them. Or maybe I should have said, "I lay out in the sun with my arms over my head."

I get really tan in the summer due to my Croatian heritage. I also get women at the Y commenting on my beautiful tan. They ask where did I go to get it? I always reply, "Outside." They ask again, "No, I mean where did you go on vacation?" Again, I say, "Outside. Here. Illinois. On my bike and running." Like the sun is different in other places! Well, there is a different color of tan you end up with in other places--I can distinguish a Hawaiian tan from a southern California tan from a Midwest (aka "dirty") tan.

Tonight I expect to sleep sporadically while listening to the various fireworks (I may just walk on down to watch my town's) and other people blowing up various things in their yards.

As always, I've had a wonderful 4th of July. Hope everyone else in the U.S. did, too!

Ch ch ch changes

It's official! I'm out of Ironman Florida (whoever made bets I'd still do it, sorry you lose) and in for Miami Man 1/2 Ironman:

Registration Date: 07/03/06 05:38:01 PM
Payment made by:
You are registered as:
Your racing category is: Female 50-54
You are registered for: Individual Registration for Miami Man 1/2 Iron

A friend I made in Brazil (Peter) lives in Miami and will provide me with a place to stay and no doubt a great time in Miami. I've never been there except to pass through the airport, so it should be fun!

Miami Man will substitute for my annual (last two years anyway) Indoor 1/2 Ironman which I usually do in November, and will close out my 2005-2006 triathlon season. A short break and then it's Goofy Challenge training for 1.5 months and then the ramp-up to Triple T begins.

I must say that as much as I enjoy biking, around 6 hours a week is plenty of time to have fun at it. When I'm doing Ironman volume riding, well, it tires me out as much as the running. Right now I'm running almost as much as in my Ironman builds, but I'm not riding every spare moment, and I feel good and powerful. The swim volume is down a little bit, but no worries there. It's not like I'm going to get much faster without some serious pool time.

Speaking of feeling good, today I noticed a change. I noticed this during my third workout of the day (I swam 3300 yards and lifted a little over an hour in the morning and then ran :55 this evening). I think I've finally caught back up to my pre-Brazil fitness, and it feels good. And my mind feels like it's in a good place. A little less training, a little less structure, a lot more time in the sun and a little more time to absorb my mom's death (I am close to being able to smile more often than cry when I think about her) have been good for me. If I race well on Sunday, that will just be icing on the cake! But it's not like I have this silly grin or anything going on. It is just this inner peace. Things feel right. I feel good about where I am right now. Is it happiness? If you read me often enough, you know I don't really "believe" in that--it's far too fleeting. It's a comfort level with my own emotions, a sense of balance (yes, even 15-16 hours a week of training enables balance in my life!) and a feeling that I belong in my own skin and that there is nothing else that I should be doing right now.

It was funny yesterday after I finished a 1:40 run in extreme humidity, I was talking with these two women. One was a fairly new runner (and a bit out of shape, but working on it), and the other was a 3-year breast cancer survivor who started training for her first marathon a week after her chemo ended, and is now training for her first 50-miler this fall (I tried to get her to remember my blog URL so that she could find Julie's). I told them I primarily trained for Ironman and I think I must have been babbling about what I think about when I'm running or swimming and that my favorite part of the Ironman is the marathon, because if you've set things up right, it is the most serene place your mind can be while your body runs on autopilot. The newer runner commented that I sounded just like her friend (the cancer survivor), and I told this lady we endurance people are all alike in that regard. We have all tapped into something that we are able to connect with simply by going out and running or riding our bike or swimming. But we need to do those things A LOT or else the magic slips away. I have never heard someone who runs 3 times a week for :30 speak of the same mental processes. It's not like we are these enlightened monks who live perpetually in that state; yet we (IMHO) are much further along than most of the population. Isn't that the greatest gift? Other people manage to achieve the same state by pursuing something with a passion. It could be art or community service or some other sport, but clearly endurance training unlocks the gate pretty easily.

Now, I finished reading Way of the Peaceful Warrior a few weeks ago. Unfortunately, I didn't think it was that great of a book. Why? Maybe because I've read so many books now about people and their paths to serenity/enlightenment that I am now more inclined to just DO IT rather than read about it. Besides, the protagonist was really, really messed up since he couldn't find a way to just "be" with his sport and grow from it.

If all you ever do is want to generate results, then sadly but certainly you will be disappointed in whatever you pursue with your alleged passion. Passion isn't about results--it's about process, it's about knowing that you have to suffer to bust through mental and physical performance plateaus, and it's about sticking with the process but having the good sense to put it aside every now and then, much like hitting the refresh button in your browser. You don't grow spiritually when you are holding all the chips--you grow when the chips are gone, when you're not sure what your next move should be--but you continue to have faith in the process. You use adversity as a tool to manage the process as much as you use success as a tool to evaluate the process. Adversity is real-time; success is hindsight. As endurance athletes, we need to embrace adversity in every workout or race situation that requires our full attention in order to execute to the best of our abilities. When there is no adversity, but yet we succeed, all we can do is look back and say, "my process was good." Not that that's a bad thing! But when there is adversity, not only can we look back and say, "thank God that my process was good enough to deal with this," but we can also transmute it into future success. Perfection and success are no guarantees of anything. Adversity guarantees that you will look at success in a different way. And that is where the rubber meets the road when you are talking about passion.

I feel different today. Maybe I thought I feel like I did before Brazil, but now that I think about it a little more, I must have lied. I feel better. I have learned the lesson. I am preparing for the next one.

Weekly Workout Totals 06/26/2006-07/02/2006: Still Slacking

I had a great training week. I was saddened by the doping scandal related to the Tour de France. I was gladdened by signing up for another crazy event for next year (Triple T). I was surprised that I didn't bounce right back after the sprint race last Sunday, but really happy that things came together towards the end of the week. Unfortunately, you will need to read through the gory details of the workout totals to find out more...

Weekly Totals 06/26/2006-07/02/2006
Swim: 9075 yards in 3.18 hours; 19% of weekly workout time; approx. 1115 calories burned
Bike: Approx. 126.3 miles in 7.22 hours; 44% of weekly workout time; approx. 3481 calories burned
Run: Approx. 30.65 miles in 4.65 hours; 28% of weekly workout time; approx. 2392 calories burned
Strength: 1.48 hours; 9% of weekly workout time; approx. 370 calories burned
All Sports: 16.53 hours; approx. 7358 calories burned
Sleep: 8.86 hours avg./night
Stretching: 2.62 hours

Season Totals 09/12/2005-07/02/2006
Swim: 346770 yards in 122.28 hours
Bike: Approx. 3760.23 miles in 216.67 hours
Run: Approx. 1169.23 miles in 184.19 hours
Strength: 60.18 hours
All Sports: 583.32 hours; approx. 259373 calories burned
Stretching: 64.25 hours

Season Weekly Averages 09/12/2005-07/02/2006
Swim: 8256 yards in 2.91 hours
Bike: Approx. 89.53 miles in 5.16 hours
Run: Approx. 27.84 miles in 4.39 hours
Strength: 1.43 hours
All Sports: 13.89 hours
Sleep: 8.48 hours avg./night
Stretching: 2.01 hours avg./week

Goals from Last Week:

• Move up the stretching a little more, especially since I seem to be keeping up fairly high-intensity workouts. DONE, and it is highly appreciated by my body, since I am almost doing Ironman-volume training (except for biking).
• Evaluate my plans for the buildup to Racine 1/2 Ironman and consult my coach if I think it's necessary. DONE. I think I have a good plan for Racine, and have told my coach that I want him to fire up a plan for me after that.
• Begin thinking about the dreaded Ironman training, since if I decide to do Ironman Florida, the time I need to begin training will come quickly! DONE. It's looking like no Ironman Florida. Instead, I want to do a 1/2 Ironman in September and another in November. Training for these events will enable me to retain pretty solid fitness (I can still run a lot and bike HARD AND FAST), and hey, I just want to race, and this way I can do my big cycling month in August. Also, by doing a 1/2 Ironman rather than an Ironman in November, I will be better recovered for Goofy Challenge in January, 2007. I can still run my ass off in December, and plan to do so.
• Keep enjoying the summer, training outdoors, loving life! DONE. I enjoyed every single outdoor workout I did this week, even when I felt fatigued. I ran different routes, I improvised a little here and there, and hey, I have a great tan!

Accomplishments This Week:

• I got more sleep. As much as I enjoy staying up later while it's light so late, I put myself to bed anyway so I'd feel better.
• I worked a little harder at eating more carbs. Believe it or not, when I saw the photos of myself from the sprint race, it finally sunk in that I am on the pointy edge of body composition, that apparently it's easy for me (now--it's been a ton of hard work getting to this point) to be very lean, and that I need to stay even more on top of my nutrition, since apparently my tendency is to not eat so much lately, and I have banished the Cheetos and candy from the house again, and I'm not eating any pasta. I still like a beer every day, but as you can tell, it is not causing me to put on any weight. Maybe I need to buy some Cheetos this week!
• I did a solid 4-hour ride on Saturday, and even though when I rode on Friday I felt sluggish and tired and couldn't bang out any FT intervals, I rode solidly ABOVE my HIM watts for an hour, and 20' where I exceeded my alleged current FTP. Maybe my FT will go up some more while I'm not doing 4 and 5 hour rides back to back on weekends. Ya think??? Now, the run afterwards felt horrible. But even as bad as it felt, I wasn't really running any slower than I usually do during brick runs. Maybe I can put in a solid effort at my next 1/2 Ironman!

Goals for Next Week:

• Get in all key workouts (3-5 hour ride on Tuesday; 1:50 long run Thursday and 1500-yard swim TT on Friday). Everything else is gravy, so that I can perform well at a sprint race on Sunday.
• Maintain stretching at or over 2 hours for the week.
• Maintain sleep at or over 8.5 hours average per night.
• Watch and improve carb intake. Maybe even eat some pasta a few nights this week. My planned training hours will take me over 16 again; 15 hours is my threshold below which no pasta on the table for me.