Lust

I am now lusting for training all the time, as I should be. I want to wake up, train and train some more.

Today I rode 3:05 on the trainer at 82% of FTP, then ran :45 on the treadmill at a pretty good clip and swam 1,000 yards. I got a Brazilian wax and hey, it doesn't hurt a bit. How could it compared to the training?

I'm banging out 20+ hour weeks for the next 4, and I will love it. It will be blissful. Starting today, I am advertising my lust for training. I am smiling like I have a special secret, even while what I'm doing is hurting. I want everyone to know how this feels. It feels FUCKING AWESOME.

Tomorrow I'm riding 100 miles on Bitchie. I can't wait! It is suppoed to be sunny and warm, and I need some of that. Sun and warmth will just fuel the lust.

I made a new friend, and he's awesome--crazy fucker like me--doing IMLP and we'll see one another again at Goofy Challenge, but probably more in the future.

Next Saturday is Horribly Hilly Hundreds, and I can't wait for it! I missed it last year, but it rained anyway, so hopefully it will be hot!

Dear Athlete

Dear Sheila:

This is Ironman Lake Placid (aka IMLP). I just wanted to see where you're at, considering we're going to meet up again in 7 weeks. You signed up for me just under a year ago, remember? Remember how you said you weren't going to see me again, and yet the day before last year's race there you were in line with the others ready to sign up again?

You know what? I have no fucking idea what the weather will be on race day. It might suck like last year; it might be beautiful like in 2007.

I don't care that you got sick and it caused a few weeks of what you consider sub-standard training.

I don't care that you are still crying over someone who didn't know how or really want to be your friend.

I don't care that it has become challenging to you to manage your daily life--feeding yourself, taking care of dishes, bottles and laundry, bills, your car, your house, your yard, your job, your friends--while trying to be ready for me.

I don't care that you are starting to have "the dreams." You know--the ones where you are in transition naked and late for the start of the race, your bike was stolen and there is nobody around to help you.

I don't care that you are getting stressed about THE STRESS. Even if you claim that you are so jaded that you don't experience it any more.

I don't care that you at your lowest race weight ever or how good you think it makes you look and feel.

I don't care that that run the other day was fucking great.

I don't care that you feel all alone since your parents are gone and never saw you during an Ironman race.

I don't care that you are saying this might be your last Ironman ever. I wouldn't care if it were your first, either.

I don't care what kind of silly race outfit you decide to wear or whether you wear those stupid streamers on your race belt.

I don't care whether you think you have the most fast, aero gear shit in the world.

I don't care that you trained more than some other people or less than some others. I really don't care how much you trained PERIOD.

I don't care whether you think you're ready for me right now or not.

I won't care if you get injured or are sick on race day. You've done that before, right?

I don't care how long it will take you to finish with me.

This is what I do care about:

• That you know, deep down in your heart, that you will be so happy to see me, that for that one day, no matter how much psychic or physical pain you might be in, you will be glad for having made it here at all.
• That you realize, even when you deny it, that other people look at you and think "hey, there's a woman who can commit to something and make it happen." And they want to be like you.
• That while you are out there, you can look at the other athletes, and they can look at you, and no matter that you are strangers or the look of pain and suffering on your faces, you know something about one another, and that knowing will give you energy to continue.
  
• That whether it takes you 9, 17 or some other number of hours to finish that it will be an accomplishment worthy of some serious celebration that you will honor.
• That you love and cherish all the people who helped you get here. They will see it in your eyes when you finish, and know that you will do the same for them in whatever endeavor they choose.
• That I will not have changed your life forever--you changed it yourself on the way here.
  

Random Shit

Please put on your fuckage helmet, because this one is going to be intense***

If you are linked to me on FB (if you're not look up by my email address; if you don't have that, and your Blogger account does, ship me a comment, argggghhhhh, and I'll find you).

I want to scream FUCK EVERYTHING.

On the other hand, I should HTFU. I have a fucking Ironman in what, 46 days?

I did a 1/2 IM on Sunday. Technically I won my AG, but still feel like I sucked. Fuck me! It was wet, rainy, hilly and hilly. Oh well.

You never know when a stranger is going to pay you a kindness. It happens at the moments when I feel like I need something from a "not stranger," but hey, I'll take strange when I can.

The triathlon bomb has gone off in my house. No more cleaning, for what, about 50 days?

Whereas before I may have had time to watch 1/2 hour of TV every now and then, time has shrunk and that is basically down to zero. If I want to get up early enough to bike to the outdoor pool, I need to be in bed on time.

Fitting in meals is getting complicated. I'm at 108 lbs. which is the lightest I've been since, well, when I got divorce years ago. My low then was 107, and somehow my evil brain wants to achieve that. Only now I have more muscle on me. I *almost* like the way my legs look now.

I am sick of it raining all the time here. I live in a fucking rain forest, for fuck's sake! When the fuck am I supposed to mow the lawn?

I need a haircut. My hair grows like a weed during the summer. I wish I could get it trimmed once a week.

Barbie is a whore.

So am I.

I wish I was faster at everything, but my body is just not into the speed thing. I will always suck.

I hate the fact that my 3 best girlfriends live in Nevada, Florida and Canada. I don't get to see them often enough!

I wish I didn't over-analyze every fucking thing and try to rationalize it at the same time. It is just how I am wired.

I am very bad at asking for what I need from other people. Then I guess that by the time I do, they are put off?

I am really very simple and don't need much from other people. A little "hey you're OK and don't suck," a hug every now and then, and if I cook for you, tell me it's good even if it's not.

If I pull for you on a ride, thank me rather than comment later on "I could have gone faster."

If I get quiet, it means something is wrong inside me. It might take a fucking crowbar to get it out of me and I might not be able to talk lucidly about it for a week or so, but it will come. If nobody does that TO me, I will just stew and stew and analyze the fuck out of everything, going this way and that, and it will be very confusing.

Yes, I have an "out there" exterior and to some people am intimidating (I still don't get that). I AM A FUCKING HUMAN BEING FOR CHRISSAKES! What am I doing that is so intimidating? Being myself? Somebody please answer me. I always thought intimidation was the OTHER person's issue. But if there's something better I can be doing, please let me know.

Life is too fucking short to not accept love even if it requires a bit of work.

Life is too fucking short to not do what you want to do.

Life is too fucking short to not make time for the important shit. And if anyone out there thinks I am not doing that, please let me know. I DO make time for what I consider important.

Life is a bunch of crap much of the time (thanks, Cindy). A LOT of crap. That's what friends are for--to keep you level-headed when the crap becomes too much or you forget that there ARE bright spots included.

It's crazy to be addicted to exercise and challenge and because of it not wanting to waste time on meaningless pursuits like doing the dishes or making time to communicate with people, but those things also need to get done. Your Mom will not keep doing everything for you! Besides, eventually you lose your Mom.

On the other hand, if it's a choice between doing the dishes and being with someone you love, pick B. But if they want YOU to do the dishes, then let them know they made the choice for you.

Life is too fucking short period.