Interesting Dream

I have always enjoyed remembering and thinking about dreams. They are one of the ways we work through things, giving the brain time to free associate and assemble bits and pieces of thoughts and feelings.

In the vivid dream I remember from last night, I was in a bus or train station (not sure which), waiting for my bus or train to arrive. I had a suitcase, and I was wearing a black coat--the black coat that I remade from one of my Mom's coats while in college--I took apart her original coat and cut a new one out of new fabric. At some point, I took the coat off and hung it up because there was going to be a wait, and I don't recall what I was wearing under the coat (I wasn't naked!). I did keep the suitcase with me, though, and I put it down to go up to the ticket counter, and when I got back it was gone! Someone had taken it. I was going to go outside and give chase, so I went to get my coat, and it was gone, too! I remember sobbing uncontrollably in the dream because there were things in the suitcase that I could never replace (not sure what things exactly), and the coat was something very dear to me that could also not be replaced.

When I woke up from the dream, I felt the sadness I had felt while dreaming. In looking at my favorite online dream analysis site and some books, I can make a few inferences about the dream:

• Being robbed signifies that I'm experiencing an identity crisis and/or feel a sense of loss. Amazing, huh?
• A suitcase either symbolizes that I'm very together (not!) or that I am in need of a vacation.
  
• A coat signifies my protectiveness and defensiveness. OK, so take away my coat!

Putting this together, I'm having an identity crisis and feel like part of me is being stripped away! This is not a bad thing. I just love it when dreams meet reality.

Off to Madison now...

Still Lost

Thanks everyone who left me such nice words on the last post. I am still lost, I am still suffering and I suppose now I'm getting back to the roots of how I started this blog in the first place, which was being in a similar place that I am now, only 2 years ago.

I have been writing down a lot of stuff over the past two weeks, so I knew that I was falling down the rabbit hole already, and Cindy was very observant in that I need to be able to articulate my own condition before I'm ready to start talking about it. I've articulated a lot in my private journal, and as it comes together I will share what I think is shareable, but here are a few thoughts:

• Yes, Pirate Girl--I am probably self-medicating with exercise to eliminate periods of mental suffering. Whether or not I'm truly bipolar is not something I'm concerned with right now (I've been down that path before and I could be a LOT worse off than I am). A problem with this form of self-medication, though, is that periodically the body actually does require rest; only when I've become so used to not resting, it's as if I've stored up a suffering bomb that eventually must be unleashed. So you can see why I rarely talk about hard training or racing as having an element of suffering! For me, it isn't!
  
• I really am looking for connectedness and intimacy--it doesn't need to come in the form of a sexual relationship, but just with some friends. I don't feel like I have that, and I wonder if, in fact, I push it away. Or maybe I'm just too afraid to ask for it. Thing is, I can be a rather intense person to be around, and when I want something, I want it. I've been told that can be overwhelming, yet I don't know how to be that subdued once my desires take over, and that is one avenue for creating my own suffering, because I don't feel entitled to ask for anything from anyone, really, and a lot of the time I think my desires are out of control. Paradoxically, this, I believe, is one of the traits that other people are attracted to about me--my intensity. Or else I'm hallucinating :) Now see, what's funny about this is that's why people read this blog, isn't it? I know that I really like reading blogs of other people who are really, really intense, and I love reading books by crazed endurance athletes, as I feel this certain kinship with their mindset.
  
• In the universe of people who I consider my acquaintances, of which I have plenty, I think, there are very few who are able to cope with the push and pull and the mental turmoil that I put myself through. What I mean by that is being able to leave me alone when that is what I really need, and not leave me alone when that is not what I need, for example. Also knowing when to agree with me when I say things like I suck and when to disagree. And to pull me out of myself when all I want to do is retreat. I can be quite resistant to the very thing I need at times. I tend to use strong language when describing myself, and I'm sure it can be difficult for someone else to dissect all that and figure out what the hell I really mean at times. I guess in a nutshell is that while I have this very intense, confident outer shell, it's really just a fragile shell. Don't get me wrong--I enjoy it a lot of the time--but sometimes I'm just wishing for someone to come along with a hammer and crack the shell and let me be who I am with my guard down. I haven't had a relationship like that in years.
• The reason I know what I know about those few things that I know a lot about is that I have this laser focus that I enjoy putting to use periodically by totally immersing myself in something. However, comma, the one thing I am unable to immerse myself in is my self! I have this really strong drive to figure myself out, and what I have been able to figure out so far is not something I like all the time, and I don't know how to change it. I hear that is a normal part of the human condition, but for some reason I seem to feel it pretty intensely. Maybe I'm self-medicating against feeling it in one way, but doesn't everyone do that in one way or the other? I mean who really wants to experience the depths of their own personal suffering? And I think you need to experience it and go there in order to escape from it. Yes, I've read all sorts of books on meditation and such, and I do do it, but periodically I come back to the reality that I've not achieved Nirvana and that I probably won't ever, but I suppose one should still have that as a goal? Tough to do in the society in which I live. I could do better, though.
• I keep being drawn back to ego and desire and how ruinous those things can be, and they certainly have been in my life, yet I haven't figured a way to break that cycle, because desire is such a heady thing. I think that's one of the key things I've learned during this recent "mental event" is that I need to be watchful of becoming too desirous. It's something I recognized in myself a few years ago, and I thought I had it licked, but I guess I was dead wrong. For me, desire is a thing that is intimately connected to my sense of power and physical fitness. I didn't get to experience it so much last year with Ironman Brazil because my mom had died. But this time around, what the hell, I was feeling on top of the world and so fucking fit and everything was going so well and I felt so in control, and when that all comes together I just become this ball of energy and lust for anything and everything around me, and it can be difficult for me to retain perspective when I most need it. I want to suck everyone into it, because it feels so great. I have to say that even while I was out there at IMLP doing my thing, I just had this sense of energy about me that felt very perfect. Again, one of the reasons I like the Ironman distance so much. To me, it becomes a way of hanging onto that desirous feeling. Which may sound funny, considering I'm not very fast at all, but nonetheless, I enjoy the hell out of it. And then I realize that is a dangerous way to feel because it can't last, you know?
  

Again, this is the tip of the iceberg. I feel honored that I can share what's going on in my head with the blogosphere for whatever it's worth, and I do appreciate any and all observations. They are all good!

There are 2 quotes that I have printed up in large type in my office at home, and they pretty much capture one of the central issues I have with myself, so it's not like I didn't know this stuff already, but I guess I need to keep relearning the same lessons over and over and over and over...in my runup to IMLP this year I certainly wasn't looking for a prize, but I was still definitely in the hunt for satisfaction...

When the archer shoots for no particular prize, he has all his skills;
when he shoots to win a brass buckle, he is already nervous;
when he shoots for a gold prize, he goes blind, sees two targets and is out of his mind.
His skill has not changed, but the prize divides him. He cares!
He thinks more of winning than of shooting, and the need to win drains him of power.
--Tranxu

To achieve satisfaction in everything
Desire it in nothing.
To possess everything,
Desire to have nothing.
To be everything,
Desire to be nothing.
To know everything,
Desire to know nothing.
--John of the Cross

Lost & Found

Lost: me

Found: $.02. About how I feel.

Something needs to change, but I haven't figured it out yet. Normally I wouldn't post all this here, but it is part of my overall experience, and I'm pretty open, so what the hell. I've been reading Pam Reed's book, The Extra Mile, and she's pretty open about all her stuff, but I think she found a workable situation for herself--not to mention she's a kick-ass, gifted athlete, which I am not, so I think she has a natural advantage. I thought I had found something that worked for me, but I'm questioning it now. This is not to say that I can't function in my regular life--I have to do that--but there's some kind of hole that's there that's been there before that has opened up again, and I really don't want to fall in. Someone I'm sure will toss out the "committed relationship" card, and that's a nice thought, but I've said it before, that is just not happening and I don't know how to make it happen and besides I had better be good with myself in the first place.

None of this will stop me from going up to Wisconsin this weekend and next. This weekend is all about other people, which is always a good thing. I have to admit I get so wrapped up in all my own shit it's crazy--and very easy to do with the life situation that I have--so moving that focus off of myself will be a good thing. The following weekend, well that should be cathartic, much like when 2 years ago I went and ran a marathon (OK ultrarunners you can laugh your ass off at me) just for the hell of it.

There's this part of me that's not happy unless I'm experiencing physical pain. I know, I know--I rarely speak of training and racing in that vein, yet you have to know there's a lot of times when it just doesn't feel good. But I seem to feel my best when I'm thoroughly exhausted, even if it's from the world's crappiest workout. I think it goes beyond endorphins. I also think I'm borderline manic-depressive, and I got to thinking today that while I got into triathlon for the physical fitness and also to make friends who are into the same thing (which did happen and continues to happen), it's also been happily enabling of my manic-depressive tendencies. So I've got that working for me. And really some days when I don't need to work out at all I just don't know what to do with myself.

And then sometimes I think that when I experience the depressive side which by my nature carries with it excess amounts of mental analysis and what I call "scrolling," that it's just some perverse balancing act that my brain thinks I must do in order to "deserve" all the good stuff that's part of the manic cycle. And that it's necessary to suffer through this because it serves some purpose.

Yes, I've read up about bipolar disorder and don't think I really have it the way some people have it (in case you are wondering, no I do not have suicidal thoughts), but whatever it is that I do have sucks, on average, about 10% of the time. And then it seems like I just come to grips with some form of reality/logic that says I was OK anyway. Only right now it doesn't feel that way, and I wonder if I've been fooling myself all along.

And then there's the aspect of myself that says just be here in the moment even if it sucks right now, because I think that at some level I need to experience that, or else I don't feel human, if that makes any sense. I guess I must have something in common with some artists who feel they must suffer for their art! Sometimes I feel like I must suffer for my own personality!

It's all more complicated than what I just wrote here..this is just the tip of the iceberg, as they say.

And now for the hard part--hitting the "Publish Post" button.

Weekly Workout Totals 08/27/2007-09/02/2007 and Hamstering Around for NothingMan

So I did a race rehearsal thingie today. Although I shouldn't call it that, because I'm not training, and I'm not doing anything on 9/15. Well, I'm doing something, but mostly nothing...

Beautiful day here in Chicagoland. Couldn't ask for better weather this time of year. Got lots of sleep last night and was rarin' to go. As soon as I got on the bike, I could tell I'm still in recovery mode from IMLP but that's too fucking bad because I have NothingMan in 2 weeks.

I ended up doing NOTHING yesterday, as after I was up for awhile, I got this headache and felt like I had one of those training hangover things (if you've ever had one you know what I mean), and knew I wasn't going to amount to much of anything. I tried napping, but that didn't work, so I just struggled through the day with my one goal of getting to sleep early and sleeping well, which I did.

There was a century ride up in Wisconsin, but I didn't feel like getting up at oh-dark-thirty and spending $ on gas to drive more miles than I would ride, so today's plan was to ride to Fermilab and hamster around in there and home. I packed one of my trusty HTFU wrist bands (the one from last week's 134 mile ride) for inspiration. I had (2) 3-hour bottles of my special Infinit and one water bottle on Bitchie.

I wanted to do a pantie ride but it was a tad too cool in the morning and besides that I've been feeling fat and disgusting lately, so I settled on a Primal Wear kit I've had for years. Turns out it worked fine, although it's a little big on me, but no matter the shorts are nice and short so I got a nice tan boost anyway.

My ride was this: 16 miles to Fermilab, circle around 5 times in there (at almost 16 miles each loop) and then ride home. I ended up at 110 miles. At one point, I thought I'd ride more once I got home to reach the magic fucking 112, but as I approached home I decided it really didn't matter. After all, I'm not training, right?

While I was in Fermilab, I saw egrets, herons, red-tailed hawks, ducks, geese, buffalo, cyclists, many dogs being run in one area, several bi-planes soaring overhead, nitrogen and helium tanks (I love them!), plenty of wildflowers, the accelerator ring (GO PROTONS!!!), Morlocks (or at least I always think I see them), lots of sun and a few cars. TIMES FIVE!

The winds were calm for the first 2 laps, but then they picked up, which is to be expected. I replenished my water bottles twice at Wilson Hall, and today I didn't notice any weird taste to the nuclear water when I drank it. The Ergomo was functioning perfectly, which was good, and I never experienced feet on fire or crotch on fire.

I rode the 110 miles at 18MPH (bonus for Strauss if he's reading--you can get a hard-on because my TSS was 302), which if my FTP is correct, was a measly 70% of threshold watts. Yip-fucking-ee. Of course this was in pancake-flat land so what does that mean? Since the Ergomo is new and different and may not read the same as the SRM, who the hell knows what's going on at this point, and I will not be doing any sort of actual FTP test anytime soon. So I'll just go with what I thought I was at and hope it's right. I was in the aero position the entire time, and I had to force myself to stand periodically. This makes me really look forward to MiamiMan, when I will be well-rested and ready to go fucking hardcore on the flats. But I digress...

When I got home, I chugged a big glass of cold water and some Gatorade and headed out to run. Well, let's just say I remembered doing a few Ironman races once I started running...Oh well, it sucks, and it sucked riding that long by myself in hamster mode with no spectators, and it sucked running with nobody out there either. Harden the fuck up!!! This is what's it's about...can't always have the fucking spectators, family, friends, whatever out there making your sorry ass feel all great. Today it was just me. I soldiered through about 5.2 miles. It was hot. I was nasty. I was not smiling. But I got it done.

I won't say I'm golden for NothingMan, but I do feel good that I put in a "real" race rehearsal today, so now I can start tapering down for absolutely nothing. My NothingMan competitor (well, I'm not competing with him he will just be there doing it with me), Jostein, scoped out our swim and run venue, which will be TOTAL FUCKING HAMSTER MODE!!! The swim will be nice, though--in a lake which happens to be 1.2 miles across one way. I am really looking forward to that. We'll ride our bikes from there and hook up with the IMWI course, and then our run will be a 1/2 mile loop. Yes--you heard it right--a 1/2 mile loop! I'm already thinking up all sorts of antics for the run. Hopefully we can get someone to video us, because I think it is going to be ground breaking!

Anyway, here's what I ended the week at:

Weekly Workout Totals	08/27/2007-09/02/2007
Swim:	10600 yards (6.02 miles) in 3.5 hours; 21% of weekly workout time; approx. 1226 calories burned
Bike:	Approx. 133.33 miles in 7.45 hours; 44% of weekly workout time; approx. 3353 calories burned
Run:	Approx. 34.42 miles in 5.17 hours; 3 0% of weekly workout time; approx. 2343 calories burned
Strength:	0.88 hours; 5% of weekly workout time; approx. 220 calories burned
All Sports:	Approx. 173.77 miles in 17 hours; approx. 7142 calories burned
Sleep:	8.5 hours avg./night
Stretching:	2.2 hours. Massage: 1.5 hours