I Must be Getting Better--I'm Posting Again

I'm still having bad days, no doubt, but the general direction is good.

I realize now that I really didn't grieve for my Mom back in 2006, so I'm experiencing at least a double-whammy (maybe triple if you add in being Executor now). I can now look back over the last 2 months and say that when I cried, I was crying for myself, in terms of feeling so overwhelmed by things. Now I'm able to cry and it is just crying because I'm sad, which feels better. I understand sadness--I need to just let it be.

I'm starting to feel like I'm getting some fitness back--biking and running that is. Swimming is still optional depending on whether I got enough sleep and feel like hauling my butt to the pool early in the morning. But the interesting thing is that when I do swim it is feeling different--almost like I'm starting over. Isn't that interesting? I think I've just become more acutely aware of my form, and since I've given myself a bye in terms of any semblance of speed, I am focusing more on form.

I've found some really good sites about grief, and it helps me feel better to know that almost every strange thing I'm experiencing is quite normal. So now when I catch myself being absent-minded or unable to focus or restless or sleepless, I just acknowledge it and forgive myself. In other words, I'm letting the process play out. I also have some perspective in that my parents both lived a decent length of time (78 and 81, respectively). While that doesn't diminish my sadness, reading about and listening to others talk about truly tragic deaths makes me feel fortunate to have had my parents for as long as I did (excellent site: http://thegriefblog.com) .

I also now see that I don't think I had developed a good sense of compassion for others, and I hope I become better at that. I still wince when others treat me with ill will, but I am committed to not dishing it back out whenever possible.

I was totally shocked today when someone at the Y accused me of working out really hard and being much younger than I am! I was on the treadmill, and thought I looked like total shit, having spent about 20 mins. on my way in crying and sharing with a friend. And I still feel out of shape and well, just old. So it was nice to receive an unsolicited compliment, which upon receipt I babbled rather quickly that I wasn't running as much as usual, and that I also biked and swam, and for a split second I thought, "Yeah--that's who I am in a nutshell." And I was OK with that. I'm sure I'll go through many periods in the future where I am searching for more and more meaning to my existence, but sometimes I think it can truly be as simple as for me as working out, because when I do, I feel good about myself and everything around me and feel like I can be open to other meaning and higher contributions to friends, family and society in general.

Another thing I've realized is that I've been slouching way more than usual (which for me is not much at all). I think this has been part of the overall feeling of being overwhelmed and having my eyes focused downward instead of up and forward. At least I am starting to catch myself at it and wonder why I would be slumped over? At least it's been over a week since I've experienced "jelly legs" which is an odd manifestation of the grief process where my legs go all weak on me just before or even during a workout. I've pushed through that and am hopefully done with that crap. Now, having jelly legs because I've totally exhausted myself in a race is a completely different matter!

I still love and crave the feeling of exhaustion from having worked out hard. It is much, much better than the feeling of emotional and physical exhaustion from being overwhelmed by grief. I do have to say, though, that I'm glad I know the difference. I can't imagine feeling only the stress reaction and not knowing that you could return to a place of blissful exhaustion!

I am moving forward on my house purge...I've got a ways to go, but it's one thing that I feel like I can safely do now and feel good about such a small accomplishment and then be ready for bigger things later in the year. I can't have too many projects for myself right now--my hands are still full--but my capacity is slowly growing.

Please say a special prayer for my friend, Cindy. Her father in law was in a terrible car accident a week ago, and his condition is grave. I only hope that I can provide some comfort to Cindy and her family as she has done for me.

Happiness = Control + Acceptance + Being in the Moment

And I would say that:

Suffering = (Lack of Control) or (Denial) or (Inability to be in the Moment)

I had this discussion with Cindy a few weeks ago regarding what contributes to our happiness. These are the equations that seem to work for me...I'm not saying they are universal--rather it just helps me to understand myself in a logical way. And this is what is enabling me to escape my own grief, because I know what my own happiness equation is. Notice my definition of happiness doesn't include money or rewards or medals or honors or being better than someone else. Someone else's might, but not for me.

The reason I have never felt that doing an Ironman constituted suffering, then, is because 1) I am 100% in control. I am choosing to do it, I made choices about the amount of training I did to get there, and I choose how I react to whatever is thrown at me on the day. 2) I accept that it might hurt a bit, that I might have bad patches, and 3) that although I might momentarily lapse into thinking about the past or the future, in general I'm there in the moment. So that's why I love Ironman so much!

And I guess it's through having done so many of them that I figured out that it has shown me what makes me happy (haven't I said this before?). Now, the grief that I've been feeling, well, there has been a lot of out-of-controlness, periods of denial and certainly I have been either in the past or spiralling into the unknown future. Yep, I have been suffering! But as I can see my ability to regain control of many things, accept certain changes to my life, and once again focus on being in the moment, I am beginning to feel happy again. I guess my definition of happy isn't the bubbly, over the top thing a lot of people think it is. I'm pretty much good with my personal definition. Don't get me wrong--silliness, exuberance, craziness and Crackheadedness are also very much a part of my vocabulary, but behind it all is the quieter, gentler version of me.

But I want to be Crackhead again. It may be a slightly modified version, but it will come.

Yesterday I was able to "just do the dishes" while washing the dishes. I wasn't forecasting the future or lamenting the past. I wasn't looking for something else to do while I was already doing the one thing. And life was OK for those minutes. And it made me realize that I am still open to all the neat stuff that is life, even though it's peppered with periods of suffering.

I'm still not in the mood to bust out of my little shell and start reading everyone else's blogs. I just don't have the energy for that right now. But it will come--I want to be excited to see what everyone else is up to, and I hope everyone out there is enjoying life, and I hope I can be there for you when you have to go through true suffering, as it's not something anyone should endure alone.