Happiness = Control + Acceptance + Being in the Moment

And I would say that:

Suffering = (Lack of Control) or (Denial) or (Inability to be in the Moment)

I had this discussion with Cindy a few weeks ago regarding what contributes to our happiness. These are the equations that seem to work for me...I'm not saying they are universal--rather it just helps me to understand myself in a logical way. And this is what is enabling me to escape my own grief, because I know what my own happiness equation is. Notice my definition of happiness doesn't include money or rewards or medals or honors or being better than someone else. Someone else's might, but not for me.

The reason I have never felt that doing an Ironman constituted suffering, then, is because 1) I am 100% in control. I am choosing to do it, I made choices about the amount of training I did to get there, and I choose how I react to whatever is thrown at me on the day. 2) I accept that it might hurt a bit, that I might have bad patches, and 3) that although I might momentarily lapse into thinking about the past or the future, in general I'm there in the moment. So that's why I love Ironman so much!

And I guess it's through having done so many of them that I figured out that it has shown me what makes me happy (haven't I said this before?). Now, the grief that I've been feeling, well, there has been a lot of out-of-controlness, periods of denial and certainly I have been either in the past or spiralling into the unknown future. Yep, I have been suffering! But as I can see my ability to regain control of many things, accept certain changes to my life, and once again focus on being in the moment, I am beginning to feel happy again. I guess my definition of happy isn't the bubbly, over the top thing a lot of people think it is. I'm pretty much good with my personal definition. Don't get me wrong--silliness, exuberance, craziness and Crackheadedness are also very much a part of my vocabulary, but behind it all is the quieter, gentler version of me.

But I want to be Crackhead again. It may be a slightly modified version, but it will come.

Yesterday I was able to "just do the dishes" while washing the dishes. I wasn't forecasting the future or lamenting the past. I wasn't looking for something else to do while I was already doing the one thing. And life was OK for those minutes. And it made me realize that I am still open to all the neat stuff that is life, even though it's peppered with periods of suffering.

I'm still not in the mood to bust out of my little shell and start reading everyone else's blogs. I just don't have the energy for that right now. But it will come--I want to be excited to see what everyone else is up to, and I hope everyone out there is enjoying life, and I hope I can be there for you when you have to go through true suffering, as it's not something anyone should endure alone.