In the past 4 weeks, a lot has happened to me, not much of
it good. On the plus side, I’m still
alive! I could have worse problems, but problems have just been cascading:
·
Remodel project, that was supposed to complete
14-MAY, was a disaster. The contractor
was performing with extremely poor quality and not completing any of the
work. I’ve needed to retain a new
contractor that is costing more to correct and finish work, and it should be
done by end of this month. Hopefully. It's been over 3 months that my house has been barely liveable.
·
My central air failed and needed to be
replaced. Old age, bad timing.
·
I had a near meltdown (that I luckily caught on
Memorial Day weekend) in my house’s circuit breakers. Could have started a fire.
·
I had a near meltdown (that was luckily caught
by new contractor’s electrician) in my house’s outside electrical connection,
that nearly started a fire.
·
I found out that the new furnace, air cleaner,
humidifier and water heater that I’d had installed in March (yes by the same
person who screwed up my family room) had been installed wrong, and had to have
that corrected at considerable cost.
The upshot to the above is that I am out a lot of money, under
a tremendous amount of stress, have lost weight and lots of sleep, and needed
to make some decisions. First to go was
Ironman Canada—with an incomplete house that is still in much disarray and the
inability to put things back together before July, I knew I could not manage
the stress of a big race in that timeframe.
I made that decision about 3 weeks ago.
As things began piling up, though, with no sign of the
stressors letting up, and the money I had saved towards Ultraman dwindling to
nothing, I had to decide on that race as well.
I couldn’t justify dipping into retirement savings at this time for
that, and I knew I couldn’t train properly for at least another month. Plus, I need to have a minor surgery that requires me to do justice to recovery time. I was going to defer the Ultraman decision for
another week, but it had to be made, and I have pulled out of Ultraman.
I spent some deep think time not just on this, but on
where I am in my life and what is right for me now. In retrospect, I should have learned from
2010 that for my current life situation (single, home owner, employed full time
12 months of the year), the stress of Ultraman training is too great to manage
unless everything else lines up perfectly.
It didn’t line up in 2010, and things are much, much worse this year. I’ve also given thought to how much “regular”
life I have given up in the name of endurance training and racing, and I am no
longer good with it. I have no regrets about the last 11 years, but I don’t need to
spend the next 10 years of my life slaving away to the endurance gods that also
require a bunch of money to appease. As
I’ve always said, the training itself is simple. But 1 hour of training requires about 1.5
hours of life, and I want those .5 hours back. And to spend less money doing it.
I know this is going to be a huge adjustment for me. I do intend to continue “working out,” and
for right now, that has to take a back seat to getting my house in order and
being productive at work. All aspects of my life have suffered, although I've tried my best to not lose it on innocent bystanders and try to keep smiling in the face of insignificant problems. I’m pretty
sure I can find at least an hour a day to work out, and I always tell people
that’s all you need to do for health reasons.
I will not put any pressure on myself to perform, so if I become even
slower than I already am, tough shit. If
anyone wants to measure my character by how fast or slow I am, that’s their
problem. I will do my best to be happy
that I CAN run, that I CAN bike, and that I CAN swim. And I really need to get back to lifting,
which I haven’t done in 4 weeks.
So this begins a new chapter of my life. I still love triathlon, I just may not be a
triathlete for now. I’ll adjust. I need to get back to it all being fun. Eventually, as I do less, I should be able to
train harder, and that always makes me feel good.
Yes, it all sucks, but I think I reached rock bottom last
week, and I might stay there for a week or so, as despite having made what I
think are the right decisions for me, there is still an incredible sense of
sadness and loss for me to deal with. Again, I know I could have much worse problems, but that doesn't lessen how bad this all feels right now. I lost my Mom in 2006, my Dad in 2007, and I guess now it's time to lose myself.
My message to all of you recreational athletes is that none of the training or racing really matters more than living a life of integrity, love and compassion. Get out there and do what you enjoy, but don't let it replace what's really important, and if it's not fun, don't do it!
