WTF

In the past 4 weeks, a lot has happened to me, not much of it good.  On the plus side, I’m still alive!  I could have worse problems, but problems have just been cascading:

·         Remodel project, that was supposed to complete 14-MAY, was a disaster.  The contractor was performing with extremely poor quality and not completing any of the work.  I’ve needed to retain a new contractor that is costing more to correct and finish work, and it should be done by end of this month.  Hopefully.   It's been over 3 months that my house has been barely liveable.

·         My central air failed and needed to be replaced.  Old age, bad timing.

·         I had a near meltdown (that I luckily caught on Memorial Day weekend) in my house’s circuit breakers.  Could have started a fire.

·         I had a near meltdown (that was luckily caught by new contractor’s electrician) in my house’s outside electrical connection, that nearly started a fire.

·         I found out that the new furnace, air cleaner, humidifier and water heater that I’d had installed in March (yes by the same person who screwed up my family room) had been installed wrong, and had to have that corrected at considerable cost.

The upshot to the above is that I am out a lot of money, under a tremendous amount of stress, have lost weight and lots of sleep, and needed to make some decisions.  First to go was Ironman Canada—with an incomplete house that is still in much disarray and the inability to put things back together before July, I knew I could not manage the stress of a big race in that timeframe.  I made that decision about 3 weeks ago.

As things began piling up, though, with no sign of the stressors letting up, and the money I had saved towards Ultraman dwindling to nothing, I had to decide on that race as well.  I couldn’t justify dipping into retirement savings at this time for that, and I knew I couldn’t train properly for at least another month.  Plus, I need to have a minor surgery that requires me to do justice to recovery time.  I was going to defer the Ultraman decision for another week, but it had to be made, and I have pulled out of Ultraman.

I spent some deep think time not just on this, but on where I am in my life and what is right for me now.  In retrospect, I should have learned from 2010 that for my current life situation (single, home owner, employed full time 12 months of the year), the stress of Ultraman training is too great to manage unless everything else lines up perfectly.  It didn’t line up in 2010, and things are much, much worse this year.  I’ve also given thought to how much “regular” life I have given up in the name of endurance training and racing, and I am no longer good with it.  I have no regrets about the last 11 years, but I don’t need to spend the next 10 years of my life slaving away to the endurance gods that also require a bunch of money to appease.  As I’ve always said, the training itself is simple.  But 1 hour of training requires about 1.5 hours of life, and I want those .5 hours back. And to spend less money doing it.

I know this is going to be a huge adjustment for me.  I do intend to continue “working out,” and for right now, that has to take a back seat to getting my house in order and being productive at work.  All aspects of my life have suffered, although I've tried my best to not lose it on innocent bystanders and try to keep smiling in the face of insignificant problems.  I’m pretty sure I can find at least an hour a day to work out, and I always tell people that’s all you need to do for health reasons.  I will not put any pressure on myself to perform, so if I become even slower than I already am, tough shit.  If anyone wants to measure my character by how fast or slow I am, that’s their problem.  I will do my best to be happy that I CAN run, that I CAN bike, and that I CAN swim.  And I really need to get back to lifting, which I haven’t done in 4 weeks.

So this begins a new chapter of my life.  I still love triathlon, I just may not be a triathlete for now.  I’ll adjust.  I need to get back to it all being fun.  Eventually, as I do less, I should be able to train harder, and that always makes me feel good. 

Yes, it all sucks, but I think I reached rock bottom last week, and I might stay there for a week or so, as despite having made what I think are the right decisions for me, there is still an incredible sense of sadness and loss for me to deal with.  Again, I know I could have much worse problems, but that doesn't lessen how bad this all feels right now.  I lost my Mom in 2006, my Dad in 2007, and I guess now it's time to lose myself.  

My message to all of you recreational athletes is that none of the training or racing really matters more than living a life of integrity, love and compassion.  Get out there and do what you enjoy, but don't let it replace what's really important, and if it's not fun, don't do it!