Things That are Broken

• 1 pair of cycling shoes...screws keep falling out
• 1 digital camera. Have asked for a replacement
• 1 laptop. Mostly restored, probably needs replacing
• 1 modem. Got my money back on it
• 1 power meter battery
• lawnmower handle. Needs screws.
• Me

Everything but me is fixable at the moment.

Improvement

So far this week I have gotten every workout done, and they actually started to feel good on Tuesday.

Monday AM I swam and was so sluggish in the water and felt pitiful and was not thinking about swimming. But the water did seem to feel good on my body, after not having swum in over a week. Monday afternoon I ran and could tell my lungs were still impaired.

Tuesday AM I ran on the treadmill, which was like torture, but I kept a good pace and felt better than during Monday's run. Tuesday PM I rode LGL on the trainer because it was still pissing outside, but generated pretty good power. It is odd to me that I can still bike pretty well with impaired lungs.

Yesterday I swam in the morning, and had decent speed for about 2,000 yards worth, which is fine because on Sunday I will just swim a little more than that. But I still knocked out 3300 yards. In the early afternoon, I ran, and exceeded all speed expectations (and what I was supposed to do for the workout), and felt like my lungs had finally returned to at least 95% capacity. And it felt good to run! That made the 2-week mark since I had initially suspected I was ill.

Today I lifted for about an hour, rode for about 1:40 like I stole it, and then I had a short delay before my run. I ran (well, actually rode) into my friend Jamey who was walking down my street. I didn't recognize him until I was up close. He was having some car trouble and was trying to remember where I lived, so I pointed him about 1/2 block north, and he jogged and I rode and we got in my car (after a quick T2 by me!) with some gasoline and drove to his car. Luckily it was just that he was out of gas, and we chatted for maybe 20 minutes, then parted ways, I drove home and grabbed some Gatorade and headed out for a :30 run. OMG I was running close to my 5K pace, but it didn't feel like it! So I am pronouncing myself healed, but I am knocking wood since I won't really know until tomorrow.

Jamey is one of the coolest people I know, but our schedules don't often mesh. Still, whenever we do run into one another we always evaluate and comment on one another's body composition. He is my go-to guy who is so completely honest about himself and how he perceives me. He said I look "tight."

I feel pretty lean, in fact, leaner than I have ever been, but the good thing is that my appetite has returned and I am consuming Pringles, Twinkies and Cheetos with abandon and keeping my weight down to about 108-109. Now before anyone accuses me of being underweight and that causing my illness, just please go fuck off because the reason I got sick was from psychic stress, not from my training or diet. My body feels actually great, and my massage therapist says my muscles are all nice and supple and my joints highly mobile, although I have been a slacker in the stretching department, but am getting that back on track as well.

I am not completely over the virus/bacterial infections I have as my nose is still mucousy and I am coughing periodically, but nothing major. There is literally fuzz flying through the air now coming off various trees--probably mostly basswood trees--and that is not helping my nose or lungs as I'm allergic to all that stuff.

But I am feeling generally physically good.

Now as for the psychic stuff, well that's going to take longer. I still wake up and don't really want to get up, I am still crying a few times a day and still feeling overwhelmed, but maybe just a teensy bit less than a few days ago. At least with my body coming around that eliminates one piece of stress. Now I can start obsessing about this "race" on Sunday (Rockman 1/2 IM) and the weather has potential to be crap. This is going to be a "train through" race, since there is no way I can perform optimally based on the last 2 weeks. I am going to slack the swim, go relatively easy on the bike, and see how I can run, since I need to be positioned to get in some major hours in the next few weeks.

It is a beautiful day today. For right now I am glad to be alive.

Clearance

Whatever happened chemically this weekend appears to have cleared my system. Or maybe getting back to work helped, and maybe I am getting over this @@%&@(*$@%_@% illness.

Still some residual things to think about, but in the spirit of telling it like it is, I did that, and now it's time to move on.

Thanks to those of you expressing or feeling concerned. It is much appreciated!

The Art of Not Feeling Anything

I was so sick this weekend and hadn't worked out (not what I would call working out) in a few days and guess what I was left with? Nothing. I really can't survive without training, and I can't survive if I'm not healthy enough to train, because training is the only thing that keeps me from offing myself. I mean, literally Saturday I thought I was going to snuff it if I stayed in my house one minute longer so I got on my bike and went for a ride and didn't feel anything--no pain, no joy in riding, just the sensation of movement. But some sort of sensor must have been working because I knew I couldn't just stay out on my bike until dark and my muscles should be tired since I'd been so sick and so I should probably stop, and I was crying so much and couldn't stop and was surprised that the movement wasn't making me feel any better and I was afraid to go home because then I would be there alone again with my thoughts and feeling like crap. I lost my smile.

But I went home and grilled some stuff just so I was still DOING something, even managing a fake smile to my neighbors (who probably think I'm a complete and total loser) and maybe I wouldn't have to think so much, and I should have been really hungry because I never did eat lunch so I should have needed two full meals, but I put some stuff on a plate and it looked like a lot of food, and I think I ate almost a complete meal.

I guess right now I'm sort of still sorting things out, but I did figure out that I need to be healthy to train and I need to train in order not to feel, but how long is that going to last? I can't imagine myself (as I found out this last week) not being able to do as much as I like to do, so what does that mean?

So yesterday I managed to get on my bike again and was crying most of the time even while going fast (for me). I never thought I could do that, so I guess this is a new skill. I would stop crying for a little bit, and think OK, I'm fine now, but then it wouldn't last very long. I had wanted to ride more than I did, but I knew I should probably stop when I must have blacked out momentarily (and no, I have not been drinking a lot I had like 2 beers on Saturday night) thankfully while going slow, and just sort of fell over on some gravel (or so it seemed when I found myself on the ground with my bike on top of me), and it didn't hurt at all, and I'm not sure if I banged my head or not. I had this sense that I had probably hurt myself, since falling into gravel usually hurts (especially when you are wearing nothing but a swimsuit--why? Because if I do race this Sunday, it might be cool and I will probably be dressed the same way), but I wasn't feeling any pain. I got back up and noticed the gravel had done a number on my left brake lever, but other than that the bike was fine. There was some gravel on the left side of my back and shoulder, and I just brushed it off.

I took my left index finger and ran it over the brake with a lot of pressure and got a sliver of metal in my finger. I looked at it, and it didn't hurt, but I knew I had to get it out of there, but remembered I had a tetanus shot just 2 years ago when I was bit by a dog, so no worries there. And I rode a little more, had some more tears (I wonder if crying so much makes you dehydrated?), put the bike away and got ready to run or at least try.

Now running, that demands your attention. I have not figured out how to run, breathe and cry all at the same time so at least I got a respite from the crying. And then when I got back home, I should have been really hungry again since I'd missed lunch again, but I just wasn't that hungry, but I put all this food onto 2 plates and ate maybe 1/3 of it and I think I eventually finished it in the middle of the night.

I was more concerned with digging the sliver out of my finger than eating. I sterilized a sewing needle and started working on it. No pain, I mean ZERO. I could have just stuck that needle all the way through my finger and wouldn't have felt it. That accomplished, I got in the shower. I noticed what I thought was a grease streak on my right ankle (from the fall), and began washing it off with soap, and what do you know, there was a cut under it--not too bad, but it had bled and I had not felt a thing.

Then I had some food, but not a lot, and then I got really cold and got under a blanket and listened to some music for awhile, and figured I should mow the lawn (again, where was my logic?), so I put on long pants and a long shirt to do that.

I tried to read some of the Sunday paper, but I just couldn't concentrate on it. I think I must have cried all my tears out because finally I became rather calm and felt like I could sleep. I wanted to sleep and not wake up.

But I did wake up this morning, and instead of my usual bound out of bed because I'm so happy to face the day (Mondays usually being my favorite day of the week), I just sort of got out, noticed it was raining, started the coffee and decided I would try and swim. I hadn't swum all last week, thinking I just couldn't do it. When I put on my swimsuit, I noticed that I guess I got sunburned yesterday. I never did feel that at all last night. Usually I feel a sunburn during the night, especially on my back.

It was raining and cool, so no outdoor pool yet, and the water was too warm at the Y as usual, and I got in and swam like for God's sake totally crappy. I guess my lungs are still not 100%, and usually when I'm swimming I think about, well, swimming or stuff I have to do, but all I could think about was death. Like what would it feel like to just start drinking the pool water until I couldn't drink any more? But I kept swimming and breathing, swimming usually feels good to me. I felt like I just had to do it today, though--see if maybe I could just let go and not think and just swim. And I realized that I have to get my Dad's estate closed, and that is important, and so I am making a plan to get that done.

I did a cursory search to see if maybe what's going on in my head is a side effect of the antibiotics that I am on. Didn't come up with anything conclusive. I really would like to feel some pain other than my lungs not working. Will try running now.