I Think I Got My Triathlete Card Back Today!

So tomorrow is a 1/2 NothingMan, and I've done a 2-week run taper and a 2-day bike/swim crash taper for it.  This morning I did a 1600 yd. swim, then a long transition (shower/shave), then :30 on the bike, quick transition, then a :20 run.  So I did a Sprint NothingMan! I did it all at the Y to avoid excess transition time and besides the road just outside it is still under construction.  The juices were flowing, and I felt like I was racing.  Everything felt effortless, and this after I about broke down crying earlier today because I couldn't believe how good (physically and mentally) I felt.  I haven't felt this good in a few years.  I wanted to push it this morning, but restricted myself to short bouts of that, because I do have this other thing to do tomorrow...

Yesterday I tried out my new aerohelmet that I bought over a year ago and never, ever wore on a ride.  I hadn't earned the right to wear it.  I went out on Skull Kingdom, and was flying--the helmet is da bomb--but realized that it wasn't exactly safe to wear around the neighborhoods because I couldn't turn my head to look behind, so I went home after :20 and changed into a regular helmet for safety, and also because I looked like an incredible dork or else maybe I looked scary.  I mean, I'm on a bike covered with skulls, I'm wearing this pointy helmet that has scary skull stickers on it, and I'm all hunkered down in the aerobars.  But it felt really cool.

Is this the SHIT or what???

I was happy to do the little sprint thing today and even thought that if I had entered the Naperville Sprint that is this Sunday, that I might actually do pretty well at it.  Time was in 2004 that I won my AG and had the fastest women's bike split OVER ALL.  That was good times.  It was one week before Ironman Canada and I was feeling great.  I am not quite that cut (yet) but feel like I might have a shot at getting close to that body comp and speed again.  Or not.

This is me in 2004 Naperville Sprint

Speaking of my body, I can tell that I must be dialed in on the thyroid meds.  In just the last few weeks, I've shed some bodyfat and fit perfectly into some of my "Ironman week" clothes, when I am typically hyper fit and hyper lean.  And I've been eating like it's going out of style!  Heart rate seems fine, though, so I'm most likely not turning hyPERthyroid.  It's been so long since I've been so hyped up about NOTHING, and yet I can remember that I have felt this way in the past.

So tonight, I will sleep on my NothingBed, whereupon I finally put on the skull duvet cover that I have had for over a year, but never used, because I wasn't doing anything!

I'm a triathlete again!  Fuckin' A!

For no particular reason...

This should really be titled "Ode to Facebook"

Today's the Big Day

This is the picture from the post I deleted on Sunday. These are things given to me that at the time, I thought I was going to toss them all out. I have a few hours to decide...

...where I throw out reminders of much of the last 25 years of my life. The dumpster will be dropped off today, and we'll fill it with all the remodeling debris as well as a bunch of other stuff that I've decided needs to go in the process.

Someone told me that it will be emotional. As I gather up the last vestiges of stuff that I should have tossed out years ago from the crawl space, yes, I am beginning to cry.

I'm crying because I did the dumpster thing a year ago at my Dad's house, emptying its contents and trying to find some shreds of things that I wanted to keep or my siblings would like to keep. Today will remind me of that.

I'm crying because in terms of possessions, I now have everything that I have ever wanted--all the decorative objects you could imagine, a practically brand-new redecorated (for the most part) house, I don't need to train that much right now, I'm getting some time off this weekend, my back is healing, lawyers in Illinois and Colorado are working diligently on my behalf to get my Dad's Estate closed, I'm apparently not sick, I'm going to Florida in 2 weeks on business (but happy to get into warmer weather regardless), I'm going to pay someone to rake up the rest of the leaves in my yard and cut down the perennials so I can enjoy this weekend, I'm having my new garage door installed next week. On the surface, an entirely new life is coming my way. I should be happy, right?

I'm crying because a relationship that I really wanted to make work, and where I felt for the first time in my life that I was truly in love, has ended. All I wanted was a shred of a sign that the supposed love would have a chance to grow, but all I got was nothing. It still hurts like hell. I'm not done here. I have decided not to throw out the glasses and necklace from NothingMan. They mean something to me.



I am not sure what I am going to do when all of this finishes. Who will I be? Will I still remember myself, the parts of me at least that aren't broken or hurt? Will I think this was all worth it? Do I even know why I decided to do all of this? Or rather, why all of this change was thrust upon me? Even though I generally consider myself fairly adept at handling change, am I going to handle it when it's no longer a work in progress, but it's finished?

The last year has changed me. The last 3 months have changed me even more. Am I going to be able to put a date on the calendar, today perhaps, and mark it as "Sheila V2.0?" What does that program look like?

Did I really need to go through 3 years of sadness, death and extreme change to get here? Is that the only way? Can I go back? Can I be happy again? I mean truly happy! Certainly I've had some bright spots in the last 3 years, but underneath it all has been this current of sadness and destruction. Will I come to life again? Will I recognize myself?

Step 1: Throw everything out that I no longer need.
Step 2: Wake up tomorrow. See how that goes.

That's as much of a plan as I have right now.

The Beginning of Nothing

Where am I Going?

Fall is a common time when we think about the past year and look towards the next. A little over a year ago, I was having discussions with my Dad about possibly moving someplace else and him coming to live with me. At the time, I also knew that I'd want to have some work done on my house, after about 9 years of neglect due to my immersion in running and then triathlon, before making such a move. Well, things turned out a little differently. Dad died, but I still wanted to get going on those house projects because I needed to start thinking about where I want to live next, assuming I'm able to change directions in the next few years.

First I had to get the Estate process going, and I got most of it done before IMLP, but then knew I'd still be wanting to train a lot. Something told me in early August that it was time to pull the trigger and start work on the house. That one decision has created a snowball effect. So far, the exterior has been painted and new windows have been installed. Next will be interior painting and redoing some of the window treatments and maybe getting some new furniture in the bedrooms. In the process of moving things around to prepare for the work, things are just screaming at me to do something about them--be it fix up, toss or evaluate for the future. I had begun a general purge of "stuff" last winter, as part of my grief process, and now it continues.

I've kept a page on my office desk blotter at home for 5 years now, and while I moved the blotter and the computers on top of it so I could work in a different area of the house, I just moved them back and decided to read something I'd written to myself 5 years ago, and so I'm going to write it down here before I toss the paper. In rereading it myself, I can see that I probably knew where I was heading, and while I'm not all the way there, I think I've made good progress.

I wrote this on 5/10/2003 at the point where I was injured, unable to run, and knew I couldn't go race in a 1/2 Ironman in Kona in a few weeks. It was devastating to me at the time because, well, I really love Kona, didn't know how long I'd be injured, and it was my first brush with the possibility that I might not be able to run again. As it turns out, I still went to Kona and had a wonderful time cheering for a friend and basically everyone else, I came back from the injury by July as a result of researching trigger point therapy, and I PR'ed in a 1/2 IM after not much training. I went back to a chiropractor I had seen just a few times and he was shocked that I had fixed myself. I was proud of myself because in returning to running, I took an extremely conservative approach, which was a huge exercise in self-control for me. Since that time, I have learned pretty well how to manage potential injuries and also a ton of patience, and obviously, become much more in tune with my body and hopefully my mind.

So, reprinted for your reading pleasure, see if you can see the future themes, many of which I think I've laid out on this blog:

5/10/2003

Dear Sheila,

I know this hurts (literally) and is disappointing. But, you will no doubt benefit from the rest and perhaps reconnect with your health in a new way. Not to mention becoming a better swimmer! Learn from this--listen more carefully to your body and the signals it sends when it needs a break. Tell those around you that you need their help in sounding back at you when you say you are "not 100%." Because you know that you are usually running around 250%. Let others help you. Tell them they need to be honest with you. You are not invincible, even though you have a shell that makes it appear that way. Take care of some other aspects of your life during this time away from training. You were a pretty cool person before you started doing this triathlon stuff, and that part of you is still inside. Don't be afraid of that part of yourself. It's the foundation that has enabled you to be where you are today.

Be thankful. Despite this injury, you are a healthy, beautiful woman. You have friends and family that love you, even when you act self-absorbed and think what you are doing is so amazing. Remember how you always say that the main thing you want in your life is to live every day with integrity, and to set a good example of what's possible to others? You are already living proof of that, and you are not diminished in the eyes of anyone for failing one goal. You need to keep aiming and shooting--sometimes you will hit, and sometimes you will miss. Each miss may hurt, but learn from it so you increase the chance of hitting.

Love,
Me

And of course, I have to reprint my two favorite quotes that are displayed prominently in my home office area that I only ran across for the first time a few years ago:

When the archer shoots for no particular prize, he has all his skills; when he shoots to win a brass buckle, he is already nervous; when he shoots for a gold prize, he goes blind, sees two targets, and is out of his mind. His skill has not changed, but the prize divides him. He cares! He thinks more of winning than of shooting, and the need to win drains him of power.
--Tranxu

To achieve satisfaction in everything
Desire it in nothing.
To possess everything,
Desire to have nothing.
To be everything,
Desire to be nothing.
To know everything,
Desire to know nothing.
--John of the Cross

I think I must have known 5 years ago that I would get to the point of wanting to do NothingMan, and I just right now realized the poignancy of both quotes.

The journey continues!

Reflections on Nothing

I'm assembling all my stats for my 2007-2008 triathlon season, which officially concluded with NothingMan. I thought I'd get around to posting that this week, but I'm lazy so not until next week.

But I am looking back on the year and just this past weekend and all I can say it's been some kind of ride. I feel kind of like the Phoenix, in that I truly, honestly felt like I was in an abyss from November through mid-February, and then things just got better and better, but still with bumps along the way, leading up to the reemergence of everything that is good and right with the world.

You, or should I say I, can't stop the inevitable cycles of energy/inertia, bliss/despair, success/failure, and believe me, I had it all this past season, and know there will be more of it in my future. But on the plus side, when you've been at your lowest point, like I was last winter, anything not that is like frosting on the cake. If nothing (!) else, I've become much, much more appreciative of not bad stuff and grateful in general.

After IMLP, which ostensibly was not a good race for me, I was happy to keep training for NothingMan, because, well, I was just happy to be able to do it, and I really now feel like that Phoenix in that I feel really, really physically and mentally strong right now. And then NothingMan was way, way better than anything else all year, and I felt like I was celebrating during it, and still am. I had water in my house, the streets were flooded, it rained all weekend, but that was all just the background. The thing about NothingMan is that you go into it knowing that it has the potential to be way more problematical (from a logistical perspective) than a normal Ironman, and you just have to be OK with it! And then move beyond it, and let the experience be and unfold under the guise of you're swimming, biking and running, which also recedes into the background. And so to be ready for NothingMan, I guess what I'm saying is it's not so much the physical training that counts, but the mental aspect and really, really being able to let go of everything so you can move through it (I suppose for the sake of saying you did x distance) in a state of receptivity to what you can learn about yourself.

Hard to explain, but you are doing the physical activity and maintaining awareness of your surroundings, but it's your mind that really gets to exercise. There were some interesting thoughts I had during the weekend that sometimes I'd share and sometimes not. A new one I had this time around was, "I hate myself." But it was funny--almost like I was disassociating from my own self, or maybe from my physical self. Hard to explain. Anyway, there was no time during NothingMan that I felt any true physical pain or concern over my ability to keep going. In fact, I think I could have just kept going, but sometimes you do need to stop :)

I had my first glimpse of NothingMan-ness in 2004 when I think I was finally able to absorb all the training I'd done the prior 3 years and just enjoy my mental state during the marathon at IMC, which is why that race holds a special place in my heart. And then I got that same thing going during the marathon at IMH 2004. And it made me think, how do I get that more often in my life? And that's when my real journey into Nothingness began. In 2005 I went and ran a marathon by myself. I mean, you know, trying to PR and all, which I did do. And it was good Nothingness, because it prepared me for the next year when my Mom died. I don't know why I waited again until 2007 to do my first NothingMan, but something must have guided me, because it prepared me for the death of my Dad.

And so I think that I really got my Nothingness together (if, in fact, it's possible to get nothing together) for this last weekend's NothingMan, because I was able to transcend all the physical stuff and just float through it, knowing that at some level it's preparing me for something else--what, I have no idea, but I'll know it when it happens. Like my body was just a vehicle that was enabling my mind to do its preparation for what will come next. And I got lucky in that my co-NothingMan was in the same place mentally so we could do it together but allow one another to be wherever we were in our heads, which is the whole point. But then again, a person knows they can do Nothing or else they wouldn't sign up for it, right?

I think at some level that a regular Ironman now just sets me up for Nothing, and I am good with that. I'll eventually be able to stop doing Ironman and just do Nothing. I think I'm getting to be pretty good at Nothing! Don't get me wrong--I think you can get some of your Nothing doing actual events, too, but for me actual events can sometimes be way too distracting what with people trying to shake you loose from your own mind--what's up with that? But both actual events and Nothing do serve to awaken you to more possibilities so you can go, "gee, I could do that." I almost think there is nothing that I couldn't do, but sometimes it just needs to be presented at the right time. You can't force the Nothingness to happen. But to me, it's better than some stupid PR for doing something! Although, again, don't get me wrong--I do not want to suck while doing something or nothing, and I know that the physical preparation is also necessary. Holy shit--did it really take me 12 IM's to get here? I guess so.

What's funny is that I think I'm going to go run a 50K in a few weeks. It won't be nothing, but that's what I mean about sometimes doing nothing awakening you to other things. But I already am excited about doing a 1/2 NothingMan in a couple of months. I'm still not locked in on anything between now and May 2009, but I know it's going to be good stuff one way or the other.

And so I will end this post with a pic of me from the weekend that to me captures just how great it was. I can still feel that smile on my face deep down inside, and hope I can hang onto it for awhile! It was taken after we finished riding in the rain at Fermilab on Saturday.

More Nothing and Desire

I had a really nice brick workout today. It reminded me that sometimes just the thing you need is presented to you. While riding, I saw some people picking pears off a large tree along my interval route. I had never noticed the pears until today. I was also surprised at the size of the tree--as big as a large oak! I asked the people picking the pears if they were any good, but I don't think they heard me. I turned around to ride back up a 1/2 mile hill, and when I got to the top where there is a church and a big parking lot to turn around in, I decided to switch my bottles between the cages on LGL under this big tree in a bit of shade and guess what? It was a pear tree! So I picked 3 of them (after taking a bite out of a small one to satisfy myself that they would be sweet), put 2 in my jersey pocket and 1 in the Bento Box and headed on home. I ended up riding about 2 hours, which I didn't need to do, but it was just such a gorgeous day that I couldn't help myself. Running was a little rough, though, but I was glad to suffer a bit (suffering being the fact that I was running even though I knew it wouldn't be comfortable).

I had plenty of time today to think about desire and nothing and all I could come up with today is that it's OK to have desires and goals and such as long as you do your best to be in the moment during the implementation of those things. Now desire itself is not a thing to implement--goals are, though. I separate the two because goals seem to have more of an end point whereas desire seems to fuel itself ad infinitum. I mean do you ever really stop wanting really good food, sex, laughter, that sort of thing? On the other hand, I think most of us can be happy achieving the goal of one college degree, one special vacation, for example (although we may desire the feeling we have just when we accomplish the goal). Another way to think about it is that something that is sensual seems to go hand in hand with desire. Maybe endorphins are to blame for making my body confuse heavy training with sensuality! Goals creating desire, as it were. I didn't really get beyond that, but I do recognize that I have gone through this before, so I'm having fun doing a little deep dive into my thoughts instead of being puzzled by them.

Maybe there is something symbolic about the pears. You know how sometimes you notice something out of the ordinary and then all of a sudden you are seeing it everywhere? Maybe it was that. I had seen a pear tree on Sunday sometime during the 200K ride that I did. I remember thinking, huh, pears. I didn't think they grew around here. Maybe it was that I've turned around and gone down and then back up that same hill countless times (more so in the last 2 months) and turned around in the church parking lot and wouldn't have figured out there was a pear tree there until today when I'm looking to understand certain thoughts and feelings. Maybe it was just to point out to me that I can have pears! I also noticed some very large drill bits (like 6 feet tall) on a flatbed and thought those were pretty cool. I mean, who wouldn't enjoy seeing large drill bits like that?

Then again, maybe the pears represent nothing!

Anyway, here's some nothing










Here's some faux nothing:



















And finally, is it nothing?

Another Post About Desire...or Nothing

I find myself in a strange place right now. It's hard to say if it's lacking desire or trying to stifle it. In my mind, anyway, desire is what drives me, and if that is the case, I must love to suffer! Desire to achieve, desire to feel, desire to know, desire to discover, desire to escape the mundane, desire for new experiences. Desire is not something of the present moment--it's exactly the opposite of that. When I sense a lack of desire, it feels unexciting to me, and it's precisely that state of a lack of excitement that I find difficult to be comfortable in--but I keep trying anyway.

Desire is like that carrot in front of your face--you know you want it, and a lot of the "fun" of it is the not having. Isn't that crazy? To cause yourself suffering that way? Oh, to be human that way, and even better to think about why you behave like that! Even more fun if you're not even sure what it is that you want, but you think you'll know it when you get it!

If desire is such a great thing then what happens when you achieve its object? Sometimes it creates in me a negative desire. I want to not want. But how can that be? Isn't not wanting still wanting? Ah--I guess that state of nirvana is neither wanting nor not wanting. Just being. But how can I know how to describe it? Is "it" a thing? Or is it nothing? Isn't being something?

I like thinking about this. Or should I not like thinking about it?

Build Your Own...

Jigsaw Puzzle by Crazyprofile.com

Not Sure What This is About

First, some food porn.
This is today's lunch, phase 1: lettuce, cherries, portabella mushroom, truffle oil, walnut/pear balsamic glaze and salt








This is after I added some wild sockeye salmon and Illinois tomatoes. Also more salt. I like salt after a good, hard run.







It was tasty. For dinner tonight, I'll be eating bucatini with a sausage and onion sauce, and I think a glass or 2 of wine. I have a big run tomorrow!

And now some nothing:

A NothingCan








A NothingFan











A NothingLan











A NothingPan









You might wonder how my week has been going after Sunday's little festival. Well, I'm here to tell you that my evil plan is working...after pushing myself to the edge the last 3 weeks, I think I've busted through to some really solid fitness. Turns out Sunday was a breakthrough workout. So what I ended up a little hyperthermic--so did other people that day that I talked to, and they didn't go as long or hard as I did.

Monday morning I did an easy swim workout, and yes I was tired, but I didn't feel that bad at all considering. Although the pool felt cold to me, so I knew my thermoregulatory system was a bit off. I was supposed to run, too, but my legs told me to hold off on that noise until Tuesday. But late in the day, I felt like even though my aerobic system was pretty taxed that I could still manage to lift. So I did. For an hour. And I felt fucking strong doing it! I got an awesome (free!) massage Monday night, and had a new student working on me and she was pretty amazed at how much pressure I can take. When she was finished, I asked her if anything besides what I pointed out to her (rhomboids, levator scapulae, subscapularis) seemed particularly bad, and she said no. While she was working on my legs, I knew I was doing well because my quads didn't feel worked over at all.

I slept like a champ Monday night, and woke up Tuesday feeling really, really great. I wondered how I'd be able to ride and then run off the bike. Well, apparently fucking great. I was craving hills, and rather than do any formal interval crap, I did 3 hill repeats at one hill, and then just busted my ass on any other hill I could find. I managed to "find" 1300 feet of climbing in about 1:45 of riding. Not bad! And my watts were awesome--almost to the point where I might think my FT has risen, but I'll hold off on that judgment until next week. And then I ran, and I ran pretty well considering I rode near 40K pace.

Since I'm taking things day by day, the brick got me to wondering to how I'd feel today. I got up (using an alarm clock now, damn--it's not light at 5AM anymore), and felt pretty good, and headed to the pool. Legs felt just fine on the ride over, and I knocked out 3400 meters feeling pretty damn good. It was such a gorgeous morning, and the water was just the perfect temperature, and after about 30 minutes, I had almost the entire pool to myself and man, I just wanted to stay in there, but alas, I had to get home to work.

I decided to load up some calories after swimming--a banana, Endurox, 2 Fig Newtons with another cup of coffee, half of a grilled chicken thigh (I've been craving protein lately), and then right before I suited up to run, a can of Coke. All good. I headed out to run, and the weather was still beautiful--warmer, now--maybe 80 (as opposed to maybe 70 while I was swimming this morning), with an east wind. It felt great to put on the wet swimsuit, which I am sure helped keep me cool for at least a couple of miles. I ended up running 8 miles, and it all felt pretty good, and I managed a decent pace, especially into the headwind. When I got home, I fixed and ate that luscious salad, and I'm already hungry again, which is good.

My legs don't feel too "worked," but the proof will be tomorrow, where I hope to knock out 15 miles in the early morning. If that run goes well, well, then I know for sure I'm really on track, at least as on track as I can be 4 weeks post-Ironman. I'm doing another 3-mile swim on Friday and some riding and maybe a short run, and then I'll ride easy, play in the pool and run a little on Saturday, and cap off the week with a 200K ride on Sunday.

I don't want to jinx myself, but as I said, my evil plan of pushing myself pretty hard seems to be yielding results. Honestly, I feel fucking excellent. There are other physical and mental indicators that tell me I'm feeling awesome that I won't mention here (I don't say everything despite how it may seem). And oh, I added 1/2" to my thighs, you think I've been biking a lot lately??? Again, all good.

No pain--no Nothing

Nothing

Bliss. Oneness. Wholeness. Enlightenment. Peace. Completeness. Transcendence.

Some of the things that I seek. And yet, the method appears completely contrary to the essence of the desired end state.

Nothingness. Emptiness. Solitude.

Enduring. Pain. Suffering. Terror.

Joy. Awe. Wonder. Beauty.

They all blend together. If you have never experienced suffering, how can you know joy? If you have never been empty, how will you know when you're full? If you've never gone too far, how can you know when you've gone far enough?

This is what it is to me. To push myself to a place in training that makes me appreciate the fleeting moments of bliss, of connection, of joy, of peace. And the hope that they will be extended, perhaps permanently. To know these moments is to know there are more of them out there. They are like rainbows--they are really always there--you just have to come in from the right angle!

Life can be challenging and sad, but there is so much of it that if you just grab onto it and live it that everyone can find a way to position themselves to experience the entire gamut of everything--the highs, the lows, and in between. Most of it is in between--and the lows can seem like bottomless abysses, but the highs are like fireworks illuminating the night sky making you go "oooooh" and the fact that you saw it is enough at the moment.

Why is celebration reserved for special occasions? Isn't today special? Yes, it is. And I know that tomorrow will be, too.

Everything and nothing.