The Physiology that is Me

As of late, several articles (some with actual scholarly studies referenced) have popped up regarding the relationship between depression and exercise--specifically that exercise:

• Helps protect the brain from depression
• Coexists with depression in ultra distance athletes
• Helps regulate ADHD

You wouldn't know it from the above picture, but I was pretty depressed at the time it was taken in March of this year. In fact, I just found the photo on my Facebook page this morning!  It was taken in Red Rock Canyon in Nevada. I was supposed to do a marathon there, but my right foot had been uncooperative (it's much better now), and so I decided to "do" the 5k with my friend, Susan. Still, I was able to run up ahead and back to her (I asked her if this was OK before doing it), and then I was able to run the last few miles of the marathon with another friend, Jen.

I felt so bad at that time that I seriously considered cancelling the trip altogether. Why? Because I didn't want to have to "fake" emotions like happy, interested, etc. For depression turns you into a person who is unable to give a fuck even if you wanted to (read this and this). It's this lack of emotion that makes you withdraw from people because they will expect you to interact and you just know they will want to know what's wrong and how they can fix it. And the stress of that can be unbearable.

But I knew that I needed to get out of town and make the trip, and knew that being around Susan would be a good thing no matter what. While I was there, I had this constant sense of making an extreme effort to be normal--interested in other people, inquisitive, usual stuff. I also had this sense of fear of fucking up and saying something hurtful, because one of the things that goes through my head when I get depressed is that I don't want to inflict it on those around me, yet worry about freaking others out. Everyone has their own issues--some far worse than whatever I am experiencing. I am not a good actor, and many times while I was there, inside my head I was really struggling to hold it together.

When I got back from that trip, which I actually enjoyed, because the intellectual/spiritual/artistic side of me couldn't help but suck in the incredible beauty, I made a commitment to go to counseling. The first step was calling my medical plan hotline to get authorization, and breaking down bawling my eyes out telling some nurse that I'm depressed. And being asked, "How do you know you are depressed?" Fuck lady, because I KNOW. Because I'M TALKING TO YOU RIGHT NOW.  Next, you get the question, "Are you thinking about hurting yourself?" Honestly? I had thought about it once or 10 times. But it was just thinking about it. Like standing on top of Hoover Dam and thinking I could just hand someone my bag and get up on the ledge and jump. Or standing on the relatively new roadway/pedestrian bridge on the other side of the dam (where I later read is a too popular place for suicide) and thinking what it would be like to just jump off.

I didn't mention any of those thoughts to the nurse on the phone, because someone might have come and locked me up for that. There is a difference between ideating suicide and actually planning it. I did mention it to the therapist, though, and she didn't lock me up!

I ended up going for 6 sessions. I tried a low dose of Wellbutrin and decided I wanted none of that. In all, I was depressed for 3 months. That's not a super long time, but trust me it was enough. And I was only in it for maybe 3 weeks (from the time I acknowledged I WAS) when I went to Nevada, so actually I feel good that I pulled the trigger on counseling rather quickly.

One of the things that contributed to the depression was that I made a seemingly logical decision to step away from long course triathlon. However, as much sense as that made to me at the time (more time for friends, romance, life in general), I had no clue how to make the transition. Coupled with a bum foot, and feeling that I needed to change my life completely, BAM! Depression. Really just one ill thought out decision followed by another.

So I found myself working out much less, and falling deeper and deeper into a black hole. I tried explaining to the therapist how the endurance stuff had been my life and how I felt like I was experiencing withdrawal but kept saying that stopping it was all for the best even while inside my head part of my brain was just not buying it. It is tough to explain the whole thing to someone who's never done it. It was MY LIFE. And a pretty damn good one at that.

Once I began talking out loud about all what I thought I needed to change with the therapist, I got brave enough to tell a few close friends. Some just listened to me babble and I'm sure thought, "Yeah right like you will not do that anymore." But at the same time I thought I was buying into the concept, time passed, the weather improved and I began enjoying running and biking outdoors again. I had stopped swimming for a few months, but I had to start because someone insisted that I commit to a race I'd signed up for. Now, I LOATHE going into any race unprepared, but for this one I had to be happy with whatever I could get done by race day, and it would have to be enough.

So now with a small goal of DON'T SUCK TOO BADLY IN THIS RACE, having navigated a major role change at work, and relaxing about not needing to change EVERYTHING about my life ALL AT ONCE, I began feeling better, and became annoyed at therapy. I realized I'd overloaded myself with potential changes and that I had better things to do besides being depressed and going to therapy!

That was in June that I quit therapy. I felt better, but not great, until I got some clarity and saw a doctor about my foot so I knew what I was really dealing with and had some revelations of my own on how to manage it (it's more of an art than science). As I began to be able to tolerate more running, I felt better. And I love biking. I had still put a cap on how much training I would do as I was only going to do some sprint races.

But weird things happened. My break from swimming got me out of over thinking it, and recently a bunch of things have clicked as far as stroke mechanics. I showed up at a few races and did pretty well considering I was just winging it as far as training goes. I acquired competence at my new job role. I received the gift of coaching a friend for his own race.

But all that is not the point of this post. The point is that for ME, there is a certain level of training where my physiology changes in a significant way, and it happens to be at a significant level of training (I'm not saying!). I've monitored my mood and body over the last few months and it's like the switch went back on. Some people try and tell me it's endorphins. Nope. I don't really experience runner's high. Mostly I get to not think when I am working out. Not thinking may correspond to the first referenced article in this post. Or at least my sense of "not thinking" may be equivalent to my body clearing out that kynurenine. I have this strong sense of my brain chemistry being significantly altered when I get to a certain metabolic state, and everything about me functions better--focus, mood regulation, organization skills, stress management. It seems counter intuitive, but the more I do the better I do.

So I decided to stop fighting it and am actively training and planning for some long stuff again. Maybe that means there will come another time when I feel there is a hole in my life, or maybe not. For now, I think it is just how I am wired, and that I need to just go with it. I would volunteer to have some sort of comprehensive blood workup to see what's going on, so if anyone knows of someone who wants to study me, let me know!

Every time I have been mildly or majorly depressed, I am still able to have some clarity about what I learned from it. This time:

• I have a new appreciation for the total amount of stress I can handle, and that (like most mortals) when I am going over, something has to give. Probably training, but that should be the last resort, because that is what keeps me from going over the edge.
• I need to be gentler with myself. I used to be fanatical about gardening--now it's gone wild and I don't care. I never make my bed. I hate doing dishes and don't do them often enough. But there's room in other areas to give less of a fuck, too.
• I am a pretty competent person even when I feel out of control. I need to remember that.
• It's ok sometimes to fake it just to get through something.
• While the choices I have made about my life may not be someone else's cup of tea (I've been admonished on more than one occasion regarding some of the extremes I apparently exhibit), they are MY CHOICES so FUCK OFF.

The thing about me is that I believe many people see me as primarily this athletic machine. But really it's all about keeping my MIND happy, hence the title of this blog.

Wishing everyone great mental health AND physical well being!

CrossFit Vs. Traditional Endurance Training for Triathlon Success

There's a discussion going on over in the Slowtwitch forum about this, and while I have opinions, I'm not going to voice them over there, but rather here.

So there's this spinoff of CrossFit called CrossFit Endurance. While I do like their pirate-based logo, I cannot say I agree with some of the claims being made here. I am in no way making a statement about the value of CrossFit as an enhancement to an endurance training program. I think I have enough years of fairly serious exercise in me (18 years of strength training and 11 years of endurance training) to make some observations and comments on my little N=1 study.

First, I'll assume anyone reading here has a basic understanding of Exercise Physiology. There are many good books on this covering things down at the cellular level all the way up to the musculoskeletal system. But to frame things, I'll state the "Basic Training Principles" that you'll find in any of those books:

1. Individuality: what works for you might not work for me. This is from a combination of genetics, prior experience, mental focus, etc.
2. Specificity: You won't get better at swimming by riding a bike. Seriously! While developing overall cardiovascular fitness is helpful at maintaining overall conditionining, there is no crossover, especially when you are talking about a skill/technique based sport like swimming or tennis.
3. Disuse: Use it or lose it!
4. Progressive Overload: You need to push yourself, sometimes to the edge and beyond, to create new gains in fitness.
5. Hard/Easy: Contrary to what you see on my blog, it is important to cycle workout intensity!
6. Periodization: Overall training loads need to be varied within the context of a training/competition cycle.

I always wondered why there wasn't a principle called Change. It is partly encompassed by Periodization and some of the other principles like Hard/Easy, but not fully. Periodization needs to occur within varying length cycles--we usually think of a training "season," but when you are first starting out at a sport like triathlon, you can't jump right in and begin training 750-800 hours a year, which is what I do. So over the course of a few years you'd build up to that level.

But I digress. If a person did the same training plan from one year to the next, where that plan included all the Basic Training Principles, would they get any better/faster? For a few years, yes, because that is what people are talking about when they say "base building" and also consistency (which is just another form of the Disuse principle). The fact that I've been at Ironman training for almost 9 years means that I have a huge base compared to someone who is in their first year. Which means I am able to do crazier shit than many people with smaller bases (or else I am just smarter about it!).

Eventually, though, your body adapts to anything you throw at it, and on a steady diet of same old same old, you will eventually plateau. You've heard the old adage "it doesn't get easier--you just get faster." Like my bike and run training is time-based, so I run for X minutes, bike for Y hours, and how ever much mileage I cover is what I get. This removes things like terrain and weather and fatigue levels from the equation. On a given day, I might run further in X minutes than the prior week.

When I look across my records, I can document that I am running and biking faster than I have in the past. Not by a whole lot, but it's there. At least in training! We will see how it translates to long course racing in a few weeks. It was interesting the other day that I realized the previous time I won the Indoor Triathlon Series was in 2004, but when I won it this year, I am now 5 years older and faster! Isn't that cool?

Anyway, I keep digressing...the biggest thing I've learned in all my years at this is that the body needs, in fact, CRAVES change. I MUST change up my stretching routine, my strength routine, my swim/bike/run routines, my challenge events every single year and sometimes more frequently, if I want to see improvement. Can I document every subtle change I've made? No...I'm not that anal-retentive ;) But I can look across years and know significant changes I've made, including perhaps resting more, sleeping more, stretching more, doing more strength work, doing various focused sport efforts, etc., and see how it has made a difference.

Is what I've done scientifically based? Hell no. It's been motivated by the fact that I like change, we live in a world of change, and I am always looking for new ways to gain an edge not only competitively, but in how strong I feel in my daily life activities, such as they are.

Whenever I am asked how I have come to be in the shape that I am in, I always point to it being a combination of endurance training, strength training, flexibility, diet, massage and mental training.

I know a few people who are serious into the CrossFit thing and others who are just beginning to dabble in it. I have complete respect for anyone's method of achieving overall fitness--whether it's playing basketball, rock climbing or whatever. As an aside, I think that a serious rock climber is probably in overall generally good condition...

I just happen to have chosen triathlon as one of my vehicles. But I have a longer strength background and I keep that up because I know what it does for me. It was just coincidental that I met some CrossFitters and some other friends started dabbling in it, and I thought, hey, it's time for me to change things up a bit, and so I am trying out a few things here and there.

But my core triathlon training is not changing...I will only get stronger on the bike by working hard on the bike. I will only develop the tendon/ligament strength in my legs for running by running. As to my swimming, well, I'd need a one-on-one coach and at least 15,000 yards per week in the pool to see any serious gains there, and the time investment is just not worth it to me, so I'll settle for my 10,000 yards a week that I enjoy doing and keeps me from slowing down too much and helps my recovery from biking and running.

What about the idea that if I significantly decreased my swim/bike/run training and did more CrossFit type stuff that I'd get faster? I think not. First of all, I have a pretty balanced triathlon training program that includes a big dose of intensity amongst all the LSD stuff. And seriously, I rarely do a 100% LSD workout--my long runs and rides have significant work periods in them, and unless I am 100% shelled, I am able to execute those with regularity. Riding a bike hard works my quads hard. Swimming with paddles works my lats, traps and shoulders hard the same as lifting weights. Running hills fast makes my legs stronger. Do my muscles care that the strength they've acquired is from being on a bike vs. doing squats? I think not. I've been playing around with doing a bunch of squats, and while I haven't tried to max out, let's just say I think my quads are fairly strong, and it isn't from doing a bunch of squats!

I do believe it's very important for triathlon specialists to mix it up, even though there's this notion that because we are training 3 sports that we are cross-training. Bunk! Like I said, your body adapts to anything, and there are many unused muscles and even muscle imbalances created if all you do is swim, bike and run.

There is, I believe, an overall strength component to reducing one's level of general fatigue, and the point at which during a long workout, say an Ironman, one reaches it. For example, it's well-known that it's important to maintain upper body strength to be successful at running, because when your upper body tires, your form can fall completely apart. Ultrarunners in particular need good overall strength since most of their events are quite challenging in terms of terrain, much more so than a silly Ironman!

You also need a helluva strong core to stay on a bike, especially in an aero position, for long periods of time. I want to take one of my CrossFit friends with me on a 120-mile bike ride! Now maybe I can't do 20 repetitions of climbing 100's of stairs with kettlebells, but I'm not training to do that. If I wanted to, though, I could. And yet, I don't feel lacking in my overall general strength, at least not for the life I lead. I think I'm plenty strong, thank you. Although I suppose that if I get trapped in a collapsing building I might be in some trouble...

I do believe that no matter what your chosen sport or physical application that you need to mix it up frequently during the course of a training cycle but also across years. Change is inevitable. If a person is responding in their target sport by changing up their routine to something that favors more CrossFit-type workouts, who can say it's because it's CrossFit and maybe they would get the same results by taking up rock climbing?

It's good to experiment with different exercise modalities for overall health and strength, and also to prevent mental burnout in a given sport. But if you want to be really good at a particular sport, you gotta do that sport. I mostly want to be good at riding a bike and have fun doing it. For some reason, I like triathlon because it introduces some variety by adding in swimming and running. I come from a strength training background, so I keep doing that, too. I've experimented with various types of circuit training, have taught classes in it, have trained for and competed well at stair climbs, volleyball and softball. I may have put some of those things aside for my current tenure at triathlon, but I have never forgotten that I need to keep changing things up. It may not always be evident from this blog, but it's there. So what if I'm a little heavy on the endurance stuff vs. pure strength/functional conditioning? To each their own. My current objective, though, is not to be good or competitive at CrossFit stuff. If that is what I wanted, that is what I'd be doing. I will not apologize to CrossFitters for the way I do things, and I will not belittle what they do. It's all good!

Get out there and exercise, and if you want to compete, good, if you want to just look good and feel good, also good, but don't forget to change things up!