Nothing

Bliss. Oneness. Wholeness. Enlightenment. Peace. Completeness. Transcendence.

Some of the things that I seek. And yet, the method appears completely contrary to the essence of the desired end state.

Nothingness. Emptiness. Solitude.

Enduring. Pain. Suffering. Terror.

Joy. Awe. Wonder. Beauty.

They all blend together. If you have never experienced suffering, how can you know joy? If you have never been empty, how will you know when you're full? If you've never gone too far, how can you know when you've gone far enough?

This is what it is to me. To push myself to a place in training that makes me appreciate the fleeting moments of bliss, of connection, of joy, of peace. And the hope that they will be extended, perhaps permanently. To know these moments is to know there are more of them out there. They are like rainbows--they are really always there--you just have to come in from the right angle!

Life can be challenging and sad, but there is so much of it that if you just grab onto it and live it that everyone can find a way to position themselves to experience the entire gamut of everything--the highs, the lows, and in between. Most of it is in between--and the lows can seem like bottomless abysses, but the highs are like fireworks illuminating the night sky making you go "oooooh" and the fact that you saw it is enough at the moment.

Why is celebration reserved for special occasions? Isn't today special? Yes, it is. And I know that tomorrow will be, too.

Everything and nothing.

Running--from Craptastic to Cracktastic!

I've been struggling getting my running legs back. It's to be expected, though--even though I was slow as molasses at IMLP, I still did a marathon, and oh, yeah an Ironman.

Up until today, my legs have pretty much felt like bricks whenever I've run. I am not a runner. Running has never come naturally to me, although I've had some really good runs. But I still don't consider myself a runner. I just get it done when I need to. I'd rather ride a bike!

I have pushed myself through some really bad runs in the last 2 weeks. "Really bad" meaning my legs hurt like hell. I do realize that a marathon causes all sorts of muscular damage (I did 3 of them in 2007--Disney and then those 2 Ironmans), and I know it would be better if I had access to a trail nearby to lessen the impact, but I don't, so run on roads I must most of the time.

Tuesday I was not supposed to run off the bike, but that is just a hassle (extra showers and the eating thing), so I went ahead and ran off the bike. I wasn't able to ride very hard (I guess I blew my wad, as they say, on Sunday riding like hell into the wind), so I shouldn't feel too bad running. I didn't feel all that bad, but since no matter which way I go from my house I'm running hills, well, it's one thing to recover from a marathon, another to be able to run on flats, and another thing entirely to be able to cope with hills. I didn't do as poorly as I thought I would, though. The workout was made harder by the fact that on Monday I went back to my normal level of weights, including legs, so I knew I was asking for it on Tuesday to think I could ride with power and then run off the bike! But I did it anyway, and I'm never sorry for pushing myself through stuff like that, because it has to be done if I'm going to regain my strength.

Yesterday I swam leisurely in the morning (2800 meters is all), and went for a run in the middle of the day. I did not drink any Coke (besides who knows how many calories are in a can anyway?) before I left, but in retrospect maybe could have used some. I decided to run west instead of my usual east (thinking the winds were out of the west, but I was wrong--they were out of the north), and the first mile is mostly uphill, and then more uphill and then more uphill, and my legs felt like rocks. But I was laughing and smiling about it because I'm doing it to myself! When I was almost done, I took a different way home (the last about .3 miles), which normally would be downhill, but it was uphill! Sometimes I swear everywhere I run is uphill, but I am used to it, which is why when I'm recovering from something major, it sucks because I pretty much have to run hills. All good, though!

I felt pretty wasted after running yesterday, but I really wanted to finish up my core routine (which includes some leg work) so I didn't have to do it today. I knew it would only take about 15 minutes, but I kept putting it off until finally I decided, fuck it, it's go time. All I was doing was watching mindless TV anyway (waiting for the Olympics to be on), so I may as well get it done. My legs protested mightily, and I wondered while doing it whether I was digging myself into a hole. I stretched really well afterwards, ate some more spaghetti and meatballs, decided I needed to get a good night's sleep, and was fast asleep at 8:30. I mean I passed out in like 5 seconds after my head hit the pillow!

When I woke up this morning, I could tell as soon as I got out of bed that I felt really great! My legs felt the best they've felt in weeks--going downstairs I felt nice and loose. I filled my 2 12-oz. bottles with partially defizzed Coke (I opened the cans yesterday and left them in the fridge, and one day in a can is not professional defizzing), put them in the cooler, ate a Powerbar and had some coffee, and I was off to Waterfall Glen for a 2-hour run. It was a very cool morning (high 50's) so no swimsuit today.

As I started to run (at 6:15), I knew I wasn't going very fast, but I felt comfortable, and I didn't want to jinx myself, but I thought this might be a good run. About 1.5 miles in, I saw 6 bucks all just hanging out browsing! They just looked at me and went back to their early morning snack. I didn't want any Coke until about 2 miles in (I had woken up at 5:00). As soon as I took a sip, it worked its magic (probably more the sugar than anything), and I continued to feel great. I think I was about 3.5 miles in when I decided I would go out for :45 and back, but as I wasn't feeling like I needed much liquids, I decided to just keep going around the full loop (about 9.7 miles) and then add on.

During Mile 8, I thought about when was the last time I ran the entire loop? It was back in April during one of my half NothingMan's, and I remembered how great I felt that day, and I know I was smiling a lot today, too. When I finished the loop, my watch told me that this was probably the second fastest time I've had going around.

I grabbed my other 12-oz. bottle of Coke from my car and headed out for another 1/2 hour or so. The fog had burned off, but it was still very humid. I chucked my singlet back at my car, as it was soaked through and through. That last bit of running seemed to go by pretty fast, and it made me look forward to next week's long run which will be 2:15.

When I got back to my car, I saw a cyclist that I had seen while running and have seen several other times I've run there. He asked me (after seeing the sticker on my car) if I'm really a "Triathlon Freak." Answer: YES! I told him how happy I was to have a good run today after last week's death march. He told me he's done one Ironman, Great Floridian, and how during the marathon it was like an out of body experience, like he was floating even though he knew he was in pain and...well you can guess the rest. About all I could say is that this is why I do this. Only it took me 4 Ironman's to get to that point! We exchanged information, and I hope he comes out and joins us for part of NothingMan. He got that concept--how you strip away everything except just the DOING of the sports.

I don't know how the next few weeks of training will go, but today was perfect! Tomorrow I'm going to swim 3 miles total (2.5 straight) and see how that feels. I'll probably end up riding 100 miles on Sunday all by my lonesome, but that's OK...last Sunday was pretty much that way, too. And then I get to enjoy a bike race afterwards!

Right now I feel "appropriately tired" from my run, and am getting a massage tonight, so I should be good to go tomorrow. I am almost feeling as strong as I wanted to feel about 4 weeks ago, and now I am really looking forward to NothingMan! I know there will be other runs coming up where I'll struggle, but that's OK. It's in the pushing through when you feel like crap that you really learn what your body can do, and I'm amazed that I'm able to do this at all most days.

Life is good!

I'm an Olympic Beach Volleyball Player for Brazil

No, I'm not (notice the lack of sand). But in case you don't get it, lookie here. You guys especially should appreciate those pics.

Food

I like food. I need to eat a lot of food when I'm training in my usual fashion during the summer. Michael Phelps needs to eat a lot of food. It seems some people are pretty incredulous about the types of food he eats. Hey--when you need to eat 8,000 calories a day, it's pretty hard to get that all from fruits, vegetables, lean protein and whole grains. There is not enough time in the day to chew all of that! I mean seriously! When Eskimos used to subsist on a lot of whale blubber, was there someone telling them, "Hey, don't eat all that whale blubber!" Hell no. You eat what you need to eat and sometimes your body tells you to just eat a lot of calorie dense food that's not too bulky. Example: cake, cookies, candy.

So far today, I have biked for 1:40 and ran (brick) for :45 (**NEW** NO BONKING!!!) and here's what I've had to eat/drink:

Breakfast:
4 cups of coffee with non-fat Coffeemate creamer
1 Powerbar Triple Threat

10:00AM snack
2 large bananas

Pre-workout carb loading:
4 fruit slices (candy)
1 can Coke (unknown calorie content!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

During workout:
32 oz. Gatorade

Post-workout Recovery:
Endurox R4

Lunch--Sandwich consisting of:
2 slices bread
1 can albacore tuna packed in water
about 2 tbsp. low-fat mayonnaise
about 2 tsp. pickle relish
1/2 of a medium tomato

Salt Craving:
3 Pringles

How many calories in all that? Off the top of my head, I'd say about 2000? Except for the Coke, fruit slices and Pringles, pretty nutritional stuff. I could use more veggies. How many calories do I need today? About 1250 for the exercise, and about 2000 for my basal rate. So let's call it 3,300. So I need 1300 more. No problemo! Spaghetti and meatballs (homemade meatballs and sauce) tonight and a couple of beers should do it.

I think it's pretty easy to hit 3,500 calories a day of pretty healthy stuff, and that's already a lot of food! I can't imagine needing 5-7,000 more than that!

Back when I mostly just lifted weights, I was a little heavier than now (fatter, too) and could only eat maybe 1600-1800 calories a day to maintain my weight. Fuck that shit! I like food! For a person of my size, I think about 2,500 calories a day lets me eat a lot of different things in moderation (figure 1800 basal rate and then about 1.5 hours of exercise). 1.5 hours of exercise a day is only 10.5 per week, and that's about my winter load. This is why I stay away from pasta unless I'm at 15 hours or more a week--it's just too calorically dense and more of a treat.

But tonight, I'm going to add a bunch of carbs so I'm prepared for about 3 hours of training tomorrow. By the way, last week's little stomach upset I'm chalking up to well, just readjusting to training and introducing more carbs back into my system. Even though I rode for well over 6 hours on Sunday, I did not eat any starch post-workout and felt just fine yesterday. I feel like I need a ton of protein right now, and so I'm going to honor my body's request, and throw in some starch as needed.

If Phelps can win 8 gold medals eating whatever he wants, who are we to tell him he should do differently? Amongst whatever it is he's eating, he's getting what his body needs. Rock on, dude!

Weekly Workout Totals 08/04/2008-08/10/2008, Sunday Ride and General Rambling

First, I back up to last Wednesday. After my little bonk episode, I did eat a big bowl of pasta and a "normal" (as of late, anyway) dinner of lean protein and vegetables. Thursday morning I wake up and feel like crap. Bloated, gassy, crampy--my entire GI tract was in knots. So bad that I ended up calling in sick. I spent many hours curled up in the fetal position hoping it would subside. Was it the extra dose of carbs that I wasn't used to? Who knows. All I know is I felt like shit. But I needed to do a long run. I wasn't dying...I was just uncomfortable. So around 1:15, I went to Waterfall Glen and did it. It wasn't pretty--it was one of the slowest runs I've done in years--almost 10mpm. But it was an absolutely beautiful day, so I toughed it out. Since my stomach was a mess, of course, I barely ate anything before I started, so by the time I got comfortable running, then I had little fuel to draw on and my legs just plain hurt! It made me laugh that I was swapping one type of pain for another.

On Friday morning, I felt a little better--enough to be able to work, but still not great. I went to the outdoor pool and knocked out 3100 meters. It felt good to stretch out my midsection, but it didn't fix anything. I decided to do a ride in the middle of the day so I could be lazy on Saturday, and I headed out on CF to Greene Valley (a dump with accompanying trail system--it's actually pretty nice), and rode around in bright sunshine. I enjoyed the ride, even when my stomach would cramp up on me and try and bring me down.

Saturday morning I got to sleep in, and I didn't feel like doing much of anything, so I turned on the Olympics. I just got into it, and it was a really cool day, and I had wanted to go swim outdoors, but it rained a little and I decided I really didn't need to anyway, so I just vegged out. Ever have one of those days where you get really lazy and can't imagine getting excited about a big workout the next day? Saturday was one of those days for me. I just went into this mode of "I can't believe I work out so much when this laziness feels so good." I felt like my body was conspiring to shut me down anyway, so I let my brain indulge this fantasy for the better part of the day, all the while thinking I needed to fix some bottles, stretch and do a whole lot of other things, none of which seemed more appealing than parking my butt in front of the TV.

Finally, at about 2:30, I decided I had better do something because even though the laziness felt good, it didn't feel right. So I did an abs/core workout, and that got my blood flowing, and got me thinking about riding on Sunday. I decided that with my stomach still in knots that aero position probably wouldn't feel too good, so I lovingly carressed LGL to let her know she was going to get to go long on Sunday.

Of course, I had to stay up (anything past 9PM is late for me) and watch Phelps swim his 400IM, and that was awesome. I set my alarm for 4:30AM and fell asleep quickly. Upon waking yesterday morning, it was quite cool outside, so I had some time to obsess about what to wear. The forecast called for a high of 75, so I knew bike shorts were in order and maybe even a jersey. I felt better than the day before, but not overly excited about riding. Given all the training and racing I'd already done for the year, I knew that in the big scheme of things, if I really didn't feel like riding 100 miles that I didn't need to, but that was still my objective for the day.

I drove to Dekalb (home of Northern Illinois University, home of the Huskies) for the Windy 60. The ride had 20, 40 and 60-mile route options, so I figured I'd combine the 60 and 40. When I got the route map, though, it looked like there was an inner loop that I could just repeat, and now that I think of it, I'd done that before a few years back. I ended up leaving on my sleeveless tank and putting a bike jersey over it plus arm warmers, as it was still only maybe 56 when we started.

I had brought a can of Coke along for the ride in case I wanted it before I started, but I never did open it. I left it in the cup holder next to the driver's seat of my car. A few miles into the ride, I remembered I left it there and thought it might explode, but I didn't really worry too much about it. I had made a 6-hour bottle of Infinit for my nutrition, which was good, because on this ride they don't have Gatorade--they just have lemonade--and I am just not into carrying all the salt tablets with me anymore.

Odd for August (or summer, for that matter), the winds were out of the north. And our route took us, guess what? About 25 miles south to begin with. Nice! The tailwind was great, but considering there was little chance of the wind changing direction today, I knew the ride back would suck. About 20 miles in, you get to the main rest stop, and then you do a 21-mile loop and come back to the same spot, and then it's about 20 miles back to the start. The first time through the loop is when I got to experience the north wind. It sucked! Not only that, but the road we took north featured very long uphill grades, so that was really nice!

I finished the first loop and thought about whether I wanted to do it again. I could just stop and do a 60-mile ride, but there was this little voice in my head that was telling me it was no big deal and that I can suffer. Besides, the north leg only lasted about 20 minutes (of hell) or so. On loop 2, of course the wind picked up and it was even harder. It was funny that I was recognizing things, like a certain empty bottle of water tossed to the side of the road, an empty (or so I thought) bag from some sort of chips, corner dog (there was a dog at a right-hand turn and that's what I named him) and a whole lot of corn. Oh well, the ride south was fun!

I checked with the folks at the aid station (which I didn't really need because there was a water fountain) to see how long they'd be there and to let them know I was heading out for one more loop. I spoke with the woman heading the station and she noticed my Ironman Canada jersey and asked me how many I'd done, and I told her and that I was doing a self-supported one in a few weeks. I wasn't even very animated while talking to her, because, well, it's just stuff I do, but her eyes and her daughter's eyes went pretty wide when I told them about NothingMan. I really enjoy seeing the look on people's faces--I guess because I want them to see in me how much I love doing this that I would just "go do it" even though I do "regular" Ironman races, too.

That little voice was playing with me about now. I could just head back and call it 80 or so miles and that would be a good ride, especially with the amount of wind. But hey--I drove 46 miles to get there, so how stupid would it be for me to ride less distance than I drove? Pretty stupid. At least if you have a little voice in your head that's telling you to get back out there and suffer some more in the wind. So I went back out. I hadn't seen too many riders on the previous lap, but anyone I could see ahead of me I was able to catch. On this last lap, I didn't expect to see anyone, but sure enough, when I hit the north leg into the headwind, I saw first a solo rider, whom I caught, and then a group of three. The group of 3 looked like maybe they were players, but I guess not since I caught and passed them. Some people just give up into a headwind, and I was hurting big time, but not giving up. I knew it wasn't long into the wind, so I just kept pressing on.

Getting back to the rest stop for the last time, I pulled in first and was by myself. The group of 3 followed shortly thereafter, and when it seemed like we were all ready to go home, I asked them to come along and we could ride a pace line to make it easier. They looked at me like I was nuts, and maybe they thought I was too fast for them or else a little brash? But hey, I meant it, but they didn't follow right behind me.

At this point now, we had about 15 miles north to go. It was miserable. At one point we were on a road that was a long uphill grade of maybe 4 miles, into the headwind, and the pavement was grooved! My legs were screaming at me, and all I could think was hey--it may as well be raining, too! I was happy when I could get up to 15mph on this stretch. I did encounter one guy up ahead who eluded me for about 4 miles, but finally I caught up to him, and I could tell he was really suffering. We came up to this little nothing of a rest stop (which I hadn't expected), and someone flagged me down and said they had water. Well, I could have kept going, but the thought of cold water sounded great, so I stopped, dismounted, and grabbed some. One guy remarked that I didn't fall off my bike like other riders had. I was still hanging in there, and they said we had 8 miles left, mostly north. I thanked them for being out there and forged onwards.

At least the grooved pavement stopped, and it wasn't so much uphill anymore, so I was thankful for that. I wasn't looking at where I was at mileage-wise, because I just didn't care. I knew I'd be over 100 miles, and that was good. When I was almost back, I came upon a family of 4--Dad had an extension on his bike for his son, and Mom and a daughter were on their own bikes. I asked Dad how many miles they had done and he said 40. I was totally impressed! I told them all good job, and Dad asked me where I was at, and that's when I looked at the Ergomo and saw 107 miles. When all was said and done, I had 108.5 miles and was one happy camper to be finished.

I rode into the parking lot and proceeded right to get my t-shirt. Normally, I don't want shirts from rides, since I do so many of these, but this one I wanted. A man who I'd seen at various points asked me about my mileage and I told him and he said he wished he could give me a prize or something! All I wanted, though, was the shirt.

When I got back to my car, guess what? The can of Coke had exploded, but it wasn't as bad as it could have been. Luckily, I always bring a frozen washcloth to these long rides that I drive to, which by now was perfect for wiping up the Coke, but not until I wiped off my face. I was able to pretty much clean it all up, and just chalked it up to another minor obstacle in my day. I had brought along frozen Endurox, too, and it was ice cold. Now I wondered if I could make the entire drive home without going hypoglycemic.

Luckily, traffic wasn't bad at all, so I cruised home, and even was able to stop at the grocery store for a few things before going home. Although while at the grocery store I could tell I was on the verge of hypoglycemia, all I was craving was protein. And Olympics! As soon as I got in the door, I started eating and cracked a beer, and remembered I needed to mow the front lawn (I had done the back on Friday), and figured I should do that before I shower, so I did, and then I had the BEST SHOWER EVER and finally I could just lay around and watch the Olympics. I made myself stretch, which felt good, and while doing so, thought either I rode pretty hard or I suck!

That was one of the toughest rides I've done because of the wind, but also because my mental state wasn't in it initially. Pretty typical for 3 weeks after an Ironman race! There were points during the day when I thought I pretty much sucked, but when I realized what I was doing and the fact that there was no option but for me to keep riding loops into the wind, I thought, hey, I guess that shows some mental toughness, right? When I downloaded the ride information, well, I did ride pretty hard because I averaged 80% of FTP on the day. Wind makes me work!

This is when it's "fun" to me. When I feel like I'm struggling a bit because I've been pouring it on for months, and I'm starting to ask myself why do I keep going and think maybe I suck, but I know I don't and someone tells me I'm nuts, and in a way I am, and it's a good thing. This is the whole NothingMan thing--to want to do it, but not want to do it--to want to stop training, but to keep going anyway--to think it will be fun but realize that it's pretty sick to think of an Ironman as fun--to feel like everything and nothing all at once--to care and not care--to want to tell everyone about it but also to keep silent--to act like it's a big deal but it really isn't. And the whole objective of the exercise really is nothing, so here again is my favorite quote:

To achieve satisfaction
in everything
Desire it in nothing.
To possess everything,
Desire to have nothing.
To be everything,
Desire to be nothing.
To know everything,
Desire to know nothing.
--John of the Cross

Weekly Workout Totals	08/04/2008-08/10/2008 This week's totals are sponsored by the Olympics. I just can't get enough. Swimming, especially--soon to be followed by track and field!
Swim:	7815 yards (4.44 miles) in 2.65 hours; 13% of weekly workout time; approx. 928 calories burned Canadian: 7146.04 meters
Bike:	Approx. 214.32 miles in 12.2 hours; 60% of weekly workout time; approx. 6007 calories burned; Total TSS=722 Canadian: 344.91 kilometers
Run:	Approx. 25.14 miles in 4.01 hours; 20% of weekly workout time; approx. 1819 calories burned Canadian: 40.46 kilometers
Strength:	1.6 hours; 8% of weekly workout time; approx. 400 calories burned
All Sports:	Approx. 243.9 miles in 20.46 hours; approx. 9154 calories burned Canadian: 392.52 kilometers
Sleep:	9 hours avg./night
Stretching:	2.55 hours. Massage: 2 hours