It Takes Big Balls

...to register for and put in the hard training to achieve a decent result in an Ironman (or in my case, something even longer).  The time commitment to do the training and everything in support of it is staggering.  Yet, it's one of the stupidest things in the world to do!  Most of us aren't making a living at the fine art of demonstrating just how much we can exercise, and yet we do it.  It makes us feel alive, powerful and focused.

I'm in a full taper right now, and there have been other tapers where I've been full on serious and bothered by everything and anything, and while I am sure I will get there eventually, right now I have an attitude of sheer joy and fun about it.  It's traditional for me to post a picture of a tapir on my blog so here he is:

Notice what big balls he has!  This is what you get when you are either a) an actual tapir or b) tapering for an Ironman.  I couldn't stop laughing this morning in the pool thinking about the tapir, and how ridiculous this passion of mine can be!  But when you do it, you make friends who are just as crazy about this pursuit of extreme fitness and you find they share many other qualities with you besides just being really, REALLY good at exercise.

How is it that it became almost enjoyable to mentally torture myself on the trainer for up to 5:30? Because I CAN.  Because I have big, huge fucking balls.  Because that's what it takes.  Because I knew in signing up for a winter Ironman that that is how it would go.  I've set up my Iron Kingdom (family room outfitted with bike trainers and a treadmill plus kick ass sound and video system) to support this silly passion of mine.  I'm obsessed with it, and I'm OK with that.  Despite all the shit that has gone on in my life this past year, I feel great, if only because I got through the training and that is the hardest part!

It takes big balls to be an Ironman at any age, and I think even more for a woman my age.  What the hell was I thinking to sign up for another one of these?  I was thinking I LIKE HAVING BIG BALLS MAY AS WELL USE THEM!  Perhaps that sounds boastful, but I really don't care.  I love it when someone complains to me about some little thing that hurts or how hard it is to eat healthy and then I give them the laser stare and tell them basically to HTFU.  Most people don't know what hard is.  Hard is not having legs or having your house destroyed by a tornado, like the ones that hit not too far from me yesterday.  Hard is losing your job through no fault of your own and incurring the scorn of people who think that everyone on welfare is a lazy freeloader.  Hard is knocking on death's door due to a disease you had no control over and needing to decide how to live the precious time you have left.

Most of us, fortunately, don't have much uncontrollable HARD in our lives, so some of us self-induce it.  I know that by doing what I've been doing the last 13 years that when something truly hard enters my life, I am a little better able to weather it.  But mostly, I just really like being fit.  And being hyperfit.  And smiling about it, joking about it, and occasionally racing.  And sharing all of that with other like-minded people.

So here's to all of you with big balls.  Show them off proudly!

Bike, Run, BONK!

I did not run in a swimsuit yesterday because it was on a treadmill. Today, I had a 1:45 bike and :45 run scheduled--the run was not supposed to be a brick run.

I suited up in this to ride. Notice my balls. Also the mop on my head, which is getting cut in 2 days--I can't wait!










Here I am with the helmet, shades and shoes. Also my balls.











Here I am post-ride. With my balls. I ended up riding almost 2 hours. It was hot. VERY hot.










I didn't want to wait too long before I ran, so I wasn't able to eat a meal right after biking. I drank Endurox and ate 2 huge peaches (without the skin, which I peeled off using my teeth, by the way) and 2 apricots (with the skin--they are a PIA to try and peel but the skin doesn't bother me as much as peach skin). About 1 3/4 hours after finishing biking, I suited up to run:

Again, with the balls. Different swimsuit, because I just couldn't stand putting on the one I wore to bike in.










I headed out to run with a 12-oz. bottle of Gatorade. I thought I had enough calories in me for a short, :45 run. I was wrong. First off, it was HOT. Even hotter than when I had been riding. As soon as I started running, I felt a little light-headed, but I attributed it to the heat. I pressed on and got 1 mile out and then I knew the light-headedness wasn't just the heat--it was a bonk. I drank all the Gatorade, but as I know from other bonks, Gatorade just doesn't do the trick for me--I need more concentrated sugar and NOW. I tried to convince the guy on the golf course who was selling candy to just give me some, but he wouldn't (I didn't have any money with me). I should have told him I'm diabetic and was about to pass out!

So what did I do? I walked a little bit, sat in some shade for a little bit, filled up my bottle with water and thought about what I should do. I decided to try run/walking, and that worked, but at first I had to walk more than I ran. After about a 1/2 mile of suckage, I was able to run a lot more than walk and make it home, so 3 miles covered. Did I stop? Hell no. I'm Crackhead, after all. I chowed down on 6 fruit slices, which I needed whether or not I continued running, and gave them about 2 minutes to work their magic. And then I went back out and finished my run!

Here I am post run with the bonk saving candy











Now, of course I needed to figure out how much I was off on my nutrition for the day to have caused the bonk, and so I sat down and figured things out. Before I began running, I had 817 calories, including 213 grams of carbs, in me. That would have worked if I had just run straight off the bike, but that included the wait time, so it wasn't enough. I then immediately added the fruit slices and more Gatorade which brought me up to 1,117 calories with 288 grams of carbs, but that's still really not enough for 2:45 of working out! Oh well. One thing I discovered in adding things up is that nutrition information on cans of Coke are fucking wrong. It says 140 calories and 39 grams of carbs. That doesn't add up. 39 grams of carbs is 4 x 39 = 156 calories. Which is it, Coke? People who can bonk need to know!

Anyway, I also discovered that peaches don't have very many calories. And I still have not been eating any pasta, but maybe I should start. I don't know. I still feel fat. But I tell you, wearing a swimsuit to bike and run in is making me very conscious of every bit of unnecessary weight hanging off me! It's the best diet ever! I just need to be a little more careful of getting sufficient carbs now that I'm effectively training like a mad woman again.

It was fun, though! Even the bonking!