That's the granite that's going in my foyer. I can't say for sure yet, but it may be nicer than the vanity top that will be in the new bathroom upstairs.
Aaaaaaaanyway...the girls are enjoying it...I hope to eventually, too!
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Bitch, Slut and Whore on Granite
That's the granite that's going in my foyer. I can't say for sure yet, but it may be nicer than the vanity top that will be in the new bathroom upstairs.
Aaaaaaaanyway...the girls are enjoying it...I hope to eventually, too!
Friday, November 28, 2008
Awesome Thanksgiving
Despite waking up really early (again), I motivated to the Y to kick off the day with a swim. When I got there, there were about 5 triathlon peeps that I know, we all said hi to one another, and asked them what they were doing. They said they were doing a tri, and I asked how much--:45 swim, 5K (a local race that I did 2 years ago) and a 1-hour spin class. I told them I was doing one, too--1 hour swim, 1 hour run and 2 hour ride. It was nice to see so many people going at it on a holiday!
I really enjoyed my swim, and since I'm trying to be on some sort of training plan, and at this point I've only got my swim workouts in there, I just did what I had scheduled for Friday. The water had been cooled down from the hot, boiling soup of Wednesday, and so it felt really nice, and I swam pretty well, all things considered.
I had worn my running clothes to the Y so I could just drive from there to Waterfall Glen to run. It was still around 32, so I made sure I dried off completely before dressing. I had hoped the trail would be very sunny, but since there are a lot of oak and pine trees in there, it wasn't full-out brilliant sun.
My back was still funky from my Wednesday road run, so I took things really easy, running just under 10:00MPM pace, which killed me mentally, but I knew it was the right thing to do. I want my back to heal up right, and I don't want to fuck it up in the name of going too hard too soon. I would have done that 5K race, but that would have been too risky. Anyway, I enjoyed the run, and it was funny that on the way back in there were hordes of people in there just walking! I guess it's been a few years since we've had good weather on Thanksgiving, so it was nice to see so many people out enjoying at least sun, no snow, no rain, no sleet!
I drove back home and waited for a friend to come over so we could ride on the trainer (I have two of them--well, actually 3, but #3 is a last-resort backup), and we got started a little later than we planned, so we only got in 1:45 of riding, but that was fine. The objective was to do a decent amount of exercise in order to be able to eat somewhat with abandon!
However, Thanksgiving dinner wouldn't be on until at least 3PM, so we had some Endurox and a slice of pizza that I had left over from Wednesday. Wednesday afternoon I got a pizza for Kenny (the contractor) and I, and it was perfect recovery food!
Next, off to the parents of my niece's fiance for dinner. It was an easy drive to get there, but on roads that I don't normally drive on, so it was good I had a navigator with me. Dinner was great, and the attendees were an interesting mix of many ages and perspectives. When it was time to actually sit down to dinner, being that there were 2 tables set up taking up a lot of room in the living and dining rooms, someone called out, "Who is the skinniest person that can fit over here?" And like immediately there were all these fingers pointing at me! I laugh at this because I never think of myself as skinny, but I know I am small compared to a lot of people!
There was so much food, and I ate a decent amount, but I can't eat a lot at a time, and when you are not hosting the meal, it's not like you can then go and pick at the leftovers in the kitchen, which I would normally be doing. But it was OK.
My back loosened up pretty well as a result of well, just being relaxed and being with family and friends. I let my family in on all the remodeling I was having done and looked forward to its completion and then it was just odd that we started talking about Christmas, and all I could think was, shit, it's almost that time! But at the same time, I thought, you know what? My house is going to be all great looking and stuff and that means I can have everyone over--not for Christmas, but sometime in January before I start racing and stuff. That would be a great way to sort of sign off on all the remodeling and move on with things, right?
Then I had a great evening talking and hanging out with a friend, and so it was a very full day, and it felt, in a way, like I am integrating all this stuff into my self now, and it's still a bit uncomfortable and difficult at times, but I do have all these wonderful people around me, my body is healing, my spirit is healing and you know what? This morning when I woke up, I felt like things were bright. I mean you know sometimes you open your eyes and it's your eyes that are the window to your soul and they both control how you "see" what's outside yourself and that, in turn, controls what you let inside yourself, and if you see darkness, then that's what comes inside. And I didn't feel at all dark when I woke up. Maybe a bit swirly still with everything that has happened and is happening now, but I know everything is going to be OK, and it's actually OK now.
So I guess I did a NothingMan yesterday, we'll call it Olympic distance since I only ran a little over 10K. Assuming my back keeps progressing well, I'm thinking I can get in a 1/2 NothingMan in 4 weeks, which is Christmas week! That would be absolutely perfect, because then I'm 4 weeks out from my first indoor triathlon, and a 1/2 will show me that I'm in good shape and ready to add intensity to everything. I like intensity!
I don't know whether I'll get into the Black Friday madness today or not--at this point, all I need to buy is some light bulbs, a few lights and a new toaster! Yes, even though my little old toaster still worked, I decided to pitch it into the dumpster and spring for a new shiny one! So I'll be going toaster shopping, picking up my beautiful granite tile, doing some raking and getting a massage! Sounds like a pretty low-key day to me.
And I have 2 more days after today off. This is turning into a great weekend!
I really enjoyed my swim, and since I'm trying to be on some sort of training plan, and at this point I've only got my swim workouts in there, I just did what I had scheduled for Friday. The water had been cooled down from the hot, boiling soup of Wednesday, and so it felt really nice, and I swam pretty well, all things considered.
I had worn my running clothes to the Y so I could just drive from there to Waterfall Glen to run. It was still around 32, so I made sure I dried off completely before dressing. I had hoped the trail would be very sunny, but since there are a lot of oak and pine trees in there, it wasn't full-out brilliant sun.
My back was still funky from my Wednesday road run, so I took things really easy, running just under 10:00MPM pace, which killed me mentally, but I knew it was the right thing to do. I want my back to heal up right, and I don't want to fuck it up in the name of going too hard too soon. I would have done that 5K race, but that would have been too risky. Anyway, I enjoyed the run, and it was funny that on the way back in there were hordes of people in there just walking! I guess it's been a few years since we've had good weather on Thanksgiving, so it was nice to see so many people out enjoying at least sun, no snow, no rain, no sleet!
I drove back home and waited for a friend to come over so we could ride on the trainer (I have two of them--well, actually 3, but #3 is a last-resort backup), and we got started a little later than we planned, so we only got in 1:45 of riding, but that was fine. The objective was to do a decent amount of exercise in order to be able to eat somewhat with abandon!
However, Thanksgiving dinner wouldn't be on until at least 3PM, so we had some Endurox and a slice of pizza that I had left over from Wednesday. Wednesday afternoon I got a pizza for Kenny (the contractor) and I, and it was perfect recovery food!
Next, off to the parents of my niece's fiance for dinner. It was an easy drive to get there, but on roads that I don't normally drive on, so it was good I had a navigator with me. Dinner was great, and the attendees were an interesting mix of many ages and perspectives. When it was time to actually sit down to dinner, being that there were 2 tables set up taking up a lot of room in the living and dining rooms, someone called out, "Who is the skinniest person that can fit over here?" And like immediately there were all these fingers pointing at me! I laugh at this because I never think of myself as skinny, but I know I am small compared to a lot of people!
There was so much food, and I ate a decent amount, but I can't eat a lot at a time, and when you are not hosting the meal, it's not like you can then go and pick at the leftovers in the kitchen, which I would normally be doing. But it was OK.
My back loosened up pretty well as a result of well, just being relaxed and being with family and friends. I let my family in on all the remodeling I was having done and looked forward to its completion and then it was just odd that we started talking about Christmas, and all I could think was, shit, it's almost that time! But at the same time, I thought, you know what? My house is going to be all great looking and stuff and that means I can have everyone over--not for Christmas, but sometime in January before I start racing and stuff. That would be a great way to sort of sign off on all the remodeling and move on with things, right?
Then I had a great evening talking and hanging out with a friend, and so it was a very full day, and it felt, in a way, like I am integrating all this stuff into my self now, and it's still a bit uncomfortable and difficult at times, but I do have all these wonderful people around me, my body is healing, my spirit is healing and you know what? This morning when I woke up, I felt like things were bright. I mean you know sometimes you open your eyes and it's your eyes that are the window to your soul and they both control how you "see" what's outside yourself and that, in turn, controls what you let inside yourself, and if you see darkness, then that's what comes inside. And I didn't feel at all dark when I woke up. Maybe a bit swirly still with everything that has happened and is happening now, but I know everything is going to be OK, and it's actually OK now.
So I guess I did a NothingMan yesterday, we'll call it Olympic distance since I only ran a little over 10K. Assuming my back keeps progressing well, I'm thinking I can get in a 1/2 NothingMan in 4 weeks, which is Christmas week! That would be absolutely perfect, because then I'm 4 weeks out from my first indoor triathlon, and a 1/2 will show me that I'm in good shape and ready to add intensity to everything. I like intensity!
I don't know whether I'll get into the Black Friday madness today or not--at this point, all I need to buy is some light bulbs, a few lights and a new toaster! Yes, even though my little old toaster still worked, I decided to pitch it into the dumpster and spring for a new shiny one! So I'll be going toaster shopping, picking up my beautiful granite tile, doing some raking and getting a massage! Sounds like a pretty low-key day to me.
And I have 2 more days after today off. This is turning into a great weekend!
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
A Mix of Good and Bad; Happy and Sad
I had a good swim this morning despite the water being pretty warm. Next, I headed to Century Tile to pick out (what I thought I'd get) marble for the front foyer. Well, my eyes lasered on black granite, and that's what I bought! It's beautiful (pic in a few days), and has flecks of gold and blue in it. I thought pure black would look better next to the zebra carpet than mostly white, and besides, it won't show dirt as much.
Home Depot called about the bathroom furniture. It's being made in China! It won't start shipping until 12/8, but I've got assurance I'll get fashion updates as it makes its way to me. Hopefully that's 2--at most 3--weeks to installation.
Kenny bought what he thought might work on the black toilet, but it doesn't, so this weekend I'm going to see if I can hunt down the exact Kohler parts so we have them Monday when he returns to do some miscellaneous stuff.
I ran today outside, and it was much better than last week. My glutes didn't hurt at all, my knees felt fine, and my right shin only pinged for a few minutes. My back didn't really bother me much at all until about 4 miles into 6 miles, so things are headed in the right direction.
My shower is installed, but I can't use it until next week when the window is sealed, and then if I can get the remaining toilet parts this weekend, I'll have a semi-working bathroom so I can begin sleeping upstairs in my bed fulltime! Fuck, that will be nice!
I would have had the custom shades installed today, except the mounting hardware was missing! Luckily, Bali customer service is great, and I called and explained the missing parts, and they should be here next week. I can live without them.
Kenny will be here just Monday next week to put a new faucet in my kitchen sink and a few other miscellaneous things like the window trim in the new bathroom, and hopefully finish up the toilet, and then he's outta here for the rest of the week, returning the following Monday when I'm in Orlando to tile my foyer and family room. This stuff will get done!
I've updated the remodeling Flicker folder, if you want to see pics.
I also created a folder of the pics from NothingMan 2008, since I never really aggregated everything together. Yeah, it's bittersweet to look at some of them, but it happened, it was real, and I cannot erase it from my life or memory.
I got my last call from the grief counselor, and she listened to all the things that have happend to me in the last 2 weeks--I hurt my back, a lobster attacked me, I ended a relationship that I am still very sad over, and now it's Thanksgiving--another holiday that will remind me that my Dad is gone, but I will be spending it with the family I have left, and for that I am truly grateful. Before I eat, though, I plan on working out for 4 hours so that I have a good appetite going.
So I guess things are getting better.
Home Depot called about the bathroom furniture. It's being made in China! It won't start shipping until 12/8, but I've got assurance I'll get fashion updates as it makes its way to me. Hopefully that's 2--at most 3--weeks to installation.
Kenny bought what he thought might work on the black toilet, but it doesn't, so this weekend I'm going to see if I can hunt down the exact Kohler parts so we have them Monday when he returns to do some miscellaneous stuff.
I ran today outside, and it was much better than last week. My glutes didn't hurt at all, my knees felt fine, and my right shin only pinged for a few minutes. My back didn't really bother me much at all until about 4 miles into 6 miles, so things are headed in the right direction.
My shower is installed, but I can't use it until next week when the window is sealed, and then if I can get the remaining toilet parts this weekend, I'll have a semi-working bathroom so I can begin sleeping upstairs in my bed fulltime! Fuck, that will be nice!
I would have had the custom shades installed today, except the mounting hardware was missing! Luckily, Bali customer service is great, and I called and explained the missing parts, and they should be here next week. I can live without them.
Kenny will be here just Monday next week to put a new faucet in my kitchen sink and a few other miscellaneous things like the window trim in the new bathroom, and hopefully finish up the toilet, and then he's outta here for the rest of the week, returning the following Monday when I'm in Orlando to tile my foyer and family room. This stuff will get done!
I've updated the remodeling Flicker folder, if you want to see pics.
I also created a folder of the pics from NothingMan 2008, since I never really aggregated everything together. Yeah, it's bittersweet to look at some of them, but it happened, it was real, and I cannot erase it from my life or memory.
I got my last call from the grief counselor, and she listened to all the things that have happend to me in the last 2 weeks--I hurt my back, a lobster attacked me, I ended a relationship that I am still very sad over, and now it's Thanksgiving--another holiday that will remind me that my Dad is gone, but I will be spending it with the family I have left, and for that I am truly grateful. Before I eat, though, I plan on working out for 4 hours so that I have a good appetite going.
So I guess things are getting better.
Pretend It's OK
As I've needed to do for the past 3 years now, today is one of those days I am going to try and pretend everything is OK. That everything isn't getting to me, that everything isn't crashing around me, that I am living some sort of normal life.
Deep breaths...
To the positive, I am starting to see some power returning on the bike! Or rather, maybe I should say I care about the power. It's only when I care about it that I can make the numbers go higher, even though it hurts to do so. Huh. That was an interesting statement. I could have just said, "I care so much that I want it to hurt." I could go on and on about that...and have done so here before, but I'll leave it like that.
In other remodeling news (the entire saga is documented in pictures here)...
My upstairs bathroom, which should have been finished last week, won't be finished until next week. I hope it gets finished next week. There have been several snafus that have contributed to this:
So today's remodeling will include:
If the furniture comes in next week, the upstairs bathroom will be finished!!! And I'll be able to use it except there will be no sink. I can deal with that, which means I'm back to sleeping in my own bed. Actually, I've been sleeping downstairs to start, and then I go upstairs, and I've been alternating up and down since I am still not sleeping normally. It's all just part of the fucked up mess of my life right now!
But wait--I'm not done yet! I'm going to sign up to have Kenny tile the family room walkway from the back door up to the stairs. It will be the same white tile that is now in the downstairs bathroom, closets and laundry room. That will pull everything together until I remodel the family room completely. Then, we are going to remove the crappy brown tile near the front door and replace it with marble (white with black streaks). I want to have this done before I lay down the zebra rug! So hopefully I can get this done while I'm out of town in 2 weeks, since you need to not walk on the floor while the tile is put down and then grouted.
So it is looking like (fingers crossed) I will be contractor free next week, and then the entry way floor tile gets installed while I'm out of town, and then I come home and we lay down the zebra carpet in the living room and I'm done until next year!!!
I just figured that if I was going to do the entryway tiling, may as well do it now to get all the dust stuff done with and then I can do one more big full cleaning (mainly dusting) and I can settle in for the winter.
Funny how all of this started out as install new windows and doors.
In other news, I am going to give out and out running another shot today. I've been hanging with the elliptical trainer to help my back heal, since there were major compression forces. I've added in some running on the indoor track, and that has felt OK (and I can run at a pretty good pace!). Today is supposed to be a nice day, so I'm going to head outdoors and see how it goes. Tomorrow is supposed to be even nicer, and I'm going to treat myself by driving to Waterfall Glen so I can run on dirt, which should be awesome. I'm lucky in that my Y is going to be open from 7-11 tomorrow, too, so I'm going to kick off the day with a 1-hour swim and then do my run and then some biking. I guess I might have to write it down as if I'd done a triathlon, huh? We'll see. I need to see how running feels today. Fingers crossed!
I'm writing this post sort of backwards and inside out. I woke up this morning about 3AM, and was just laying there thinking did I want to pull the trigger on the additional tile work or not, and how much more money will I be spending (I'm not finished paying for the upstairs bathroom yet and just paid a gigantic Visa bill), and I have it and one of my issues has been just spending the fucking money, but I'm spending it now, eh? And I was thinking about all of this shit in my life coming to closure and why do I keep extending things almost like I don't want to be done!
But, I am training. That is my rock right now. Several blog readers have sent me just the nicest emails about how they've hung with me through all this shit (and face it, some just enjoy the nearly naked pics), and while this started out as a triathlon blog, it hasn't been so much about triathlon lately, has it? But the training is there, it is coming back, and I am certain that I will turn back into a hardcore triathlete soon enough! I have a race in 8 weeks, and damn it, I want to do well! Even if it is just a stinky indoor triathlon! And I'm looking forward to my jam-packed 2009 triathlon schedule.
If you're in the US, Happy Thanksgiving, and if you're not, get out and train!
Deep breaths...
To the positive, I am starting to see some power returning on the bike! Or rather, maybe I should say I care about the power. It's only when I care about it that I can make the numbers go higher, even though it hurts to do so. Huh. That was an interesting statement. I could have just said, "I care so much that I want it to hurt." I could go on and on about that...and have done so here before, but I'll leave it like that.
In other remodeling news (the entire saga is documented in pictures here)...
My upstairs bathroom, which should have been finished last week, won't be finished until next week. I hope it gets finished next week. There have been several snafus that have contributed to this:
- Home Depot hasn't figured out where the hell the furniture is. They are supplying it from a vendor who is then going through another vendor, and when I spoke to them yesterday, I asked them to tell me just what they were going to do. No, make that I told them what they were going to do. They need to tell me that 1) the stuff exists, i.e., we are not waiting for the fucking trees to grow or some Amish people (apologies) to build it and 2) where the hell is it. And then I am going to make them get it here by Monday next week at their cost. I have paid for this stuff, they have my money and I have nothing.
- Kohler forgot to put the tank bolts, tank gasket and caps in the shipment of my custom black toilet. I called Kohler yesterday and first this chic is insisting that the gasket is factory installed, but I can tell she's just reading from a customer service script, and Kenny and I are on the speaker phone with her (he knows his toilets), and she says they can send me the kit for free but it will take 7-10 business days! What a crock! Well, I'm having those Wisconsin hosers at Kohler (pronounced Koal-er) send me the kit so I can get the black caps, and Kenny is going to see if he can find the other parts (which will run me maybe $10) elsewhere this morning so at least he can finish installing the toilet.
So today's remodeling will include:
- grout bathroom walls
- finish toilet install
- install shower trim and door
- install custom pleated shades in office and spare bedroom
- dumpster gets hauled away
- install new faucet and sprayer in kitchen
If the furniture comes in next week, the upstairs bathroom will be finished!!! And I'll be able to use it except there will be no sink. I can deal with that, which means I'm back to sleeping in my own bed. Actually, I've been sleeping downstairs to start, and then I go upstairs, and I've been alternating up and down since I am still not sleeping normally. It's all just part of the fucked up mess of my life right now!
But wait--I'm not done yet! I'm going to sign up to have Kenny tile the family room walkway from the back door up to the stairs. It will be the same white tile that is now in the downstairs bathroom, closets and laundry room. That will pull everything together until I remodel the family room completely. Then, we are going to remove the crappy brown tile near the front door and replace it with marble (white with black streaks). I want to have this done before I lay down the zebra rug! So hopefully I can get this done while I'm out of town in 2 weeks, since you need to not walk on the floor while the tile is put down and then grouted.
So it is looking like (fingers crossed) I will be contractor free next week, and then the entry way floor tile gets installed while I'm out of town, and then I come home and we lay down the zebra carpet in the living room and I'm done until next year!!!
I just figured that if I was going to do the entryway tiling, may as well do it now to get all the dust stuff done with and then I can do one more big full cleaning (mainly dusting) and I can settle in for the winter.
Funny how all of this started out as install new windows and doors.
In other news, I am going to give out and out running another shot today. I've been hanging with the elliptical trainer to help my back heal, since there were major compression forces. I've added in some running on the indoor track, and that has felt OK (and I can run at a pretty good pace!). Today is supposed to be a nice day, so I'm going to head outdoors and see how it goes. Tomorrow is supposed to be even nicer, and I'm going to treat myself by driving to Waterfall Glen so I can run on dirt, which should be awesome. I'm lucky in that my Y is going to be open from 7-11 tomorrow, too, so I'm going to kick off the day with a 1-hour swim and then do my run and then some biking. I guess I might have to write it down as if I'd done a triathlon, huh? We'll see. I need to see how running feels today. Fingers crossed!
I'm writing this post sort of backwards and inside out. I woke up this morning about 3AM, and was just laying there thinking did I want to pull the trigger on the additional tile work or not, and how much more money will I be spending (I'm not finished paying for the upstairs bathroom yet and just paid a gigantic Visa bill), and I have it and one of my issues has been just spending the fucking money, but I'm spending it now, eh? And I was thinking about all of this shit in my life coming to closure and why do I keep extending things almost like I don't want to be done!
But, I am training. That is my rock right now. Several blog readers have sent me just the nicest emails about how they've hung with me through all this shit (and face it, some just enjoy the nearly naked pics), and while this started out as a triathlon blog, it hasn't been so much about triathlon lately, has it? But the training is there, it is coming back, and I am certain that I will turn back into a hardcore triathlete soon enough! I have a race in 8 weeks, and damn it, I want to do well! Even if it is just a stinky indoor triathlon! And I'm looking forward to my jam-packed 2009 triathlon schedule.
If you're in the US, Happy Thanksgiving, and if you're not, get out and train!
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Why Do Things Keep Being Taken Away from Me?
Did I ask for this? I'm losing people close to me, my sense of self, everything. Things do not replace them. When will I be OK? I'm not seeing it. More black than white.
Today's the Big Day
This is the picture from the post I deleted on Sunday. These are things given to me that at the time, I thought I was going to toss them all out. I have a few hours to decide......where I throw out reminders of much of the last 25 years of my life. The dumpster will be dropped off today, and we'll fill it with all the remodeling debris as well as a bunch of other stuff that I've decided needs to go in the process.
Someone told me that it will be emotional. As I gather up the last vestiges of stuff that I should have tossed out years ago from the crawl space, yes, I am beginning to cry.
I'm crying because I did the dumpster thing a year ago at my Dad's house, emptying its contents and trying to find some shreds of things that I wanted to keep or my siblings would like to keep. Today will remind me of that.
I'm crying because in terms of possessions, I now have everything that I have ever wanted--all the decorative objects you could imagine, a practically brand-new redecorated (for the most part) house, I don't need to train that much right now, I'm getting some time off this weekend, my back is healing, lawyers in Illinois and Colorado are working diligently on my behalf to get my Dad's Estate closed, I'm apparently not sick, I'm going to Florida in 2 weeks on business (but happy to get into warmer weather regardless), I'm going to pay someone to rake up the rest of the leaves in my yard and cut down the perennials so I can enjoy this weekend, I'm having my new garage door installed next week. On the surface, an entirely new life is coming my way. I should be happy, right?
I'm crying because a relationship that I really wanted to make work, and where I felt for the first time in my life that I was truly in love, has ended. All I wanted was a shred of a sign that the supposed love would have a chance to grow, but all I got was nothing. It still hurts like hell. I'm not done here. I have decided not to throw out the glasses and necklace from NothingMan. They mean something to me.
I am not sure what I am going to do when all of this finishes. Who will I be? Will I still remember myself, the parts of me at least that aren't broken or hurt? Will I think this was all worth it? Do I even know why I decided to do all of this? Or rather, why all of this change was thrust upon me? Even though I generally consider myself fairly adept at handling change, am I going to handle it when it's no longer a work in progress, but it's finished?
The last year has changed me. The last 3 months have changed me even more. Am I going to be able to put a date on the calendar, today perhaps, and mark it as "Sheila V2.0?" What does that program look like?
Did I really need to go through 3 years of sadness, death and extreme change to get here? Is that the only way? Can I go back? Can I be happy again? I mean truly happy! Certainly I've had some bright spots in the last 3 years, but underneath it all has been this current of sadness and destruction. Will I come to life again? Will I recognize myself?
Step 1: Throw everything out that I no longer need.
Step 2: Wake up tomorrow. See how that goes.
That's as much of a plan as I have right now.
Monday, November 24, 2008
All NIN, All Pain, All the Time
That is all I can stand to listen to right now. Usually, I'm miss Techno (ask anyone). Techno drives my energy, it gets me into my training pain zone. Now it's just NIN. Usually I'm pretty bad at hearing the lyrics to songs, but not any more. Everything NIN is speaking to me. I'm a little like Reznor, don't you think? I have this thing for feeling things intensely--the high of highness, the low of lowness, and the pain of, well, pain. I truly enjoy all the different variants of pain--it's the one thing that lets you know you are alive! When you cease to feel pain, then you are dead. I'm not dead. Pain is OK. Even though I'm experiencing physical and spiritual pain, they are OK. Sometimes you just need to give in to it. After all the crap that has happened to me in the past 12 months, I can't even begin to think of anything worse. BUT, there could be a lot worse. I am grateful for all the good in my life, and it is because of that that I can immerse myself in the pain. I know it will end. And I know it will be back again. But hey, so will I.
Weekly Workout Totals 11/17/2008-11/23/2008
As I always say, no matter how I feel, I need to keep doing, and believe it or not, I actually cooked yesterday! What it is is scallops with red and green bell peppers, onion, garlic, peas (my modification to the recipe) and lots of Tabasco. It's simple to make, but really good, and it qualifies in my book as actual cooking. Roasting a chicken, making a salad, broiling a steak or taking something out of the freezer to microwave do not constitute cooking in my book.
Wanting to cook is a good sign.
The last 2 nights I slept 7 hours. And that is actual sleep. What I've been recording as sleep lately is the amount of time I'm in bed, even though there have been a few hours nightly where I am just laying there thinking, and it's interesting that I can lay there for like 2 hours and the time goes by quickly.
Beginning to sleep normally again is a good sign.
I made myself work out every day this week except Saturday. Friday and Saturday I felt like I was sick again, but you know it's the sickness of grief. Grief over losing someone that I truly loved with all my heart, because when you do that, you lose a part of yourself. I spoke my peace to him in a very long email which I have no idea if he read or not. I reread it myself maybe 20 times, and could not come up with anything more or different to say. In essence what it came down to was this: don't call it love if you won't do anything for it. If he was willing to give me a shred of something that demonstrated he was willing to work for it, I would have taken it, and still would. But I think that door has been closed, since in asking him what he could or would do, he replied, "Nothing."
Yesterday I felt pretty good actually, since I got some sleep and no longer felt sick. Imagine that! My back is still healing, and it still hurts at times, but I can distinguish the pain of making the muscles do what they are supposed to do and the repair process. Even if parts of my back hurt while I'm exercising, the fact that things feel better the next day tells me I'm doing the right thing.
I'm ready to build my training plan for the remainder of this year and 2009. That is a good sign.
Don't be misled--I am still in a very dark place. I just realized where I've been for the past 4 weeks or so, only I wasn't sure where it was. Now I know where it is, which means I can begin to find my way out, and I am doing that.
Anyway, I managed to do some decent training last week:
| Weekly Workout Totals | 11/17/2008-11/23/2008 This week's totals are sponsored by the darkness |
| Swim: | 9100 yards (5.16 miles) in 3.15 hours; 25% of weekly workout time; approx. 1103 calories burned Canadian: 8321.04 meters |
| Bike: | Approx. 73.51 miles in 4.2 hours; 34% of weekly workout time; approx. 1891 calories burned; Total TSS=222 Canadian: 118.3 kilometers |
| Run: | Approx. 25.63 miles in 4.02 hours; 32% of weekly workout time; approx. 1828 calories burned Canadian: 41.25 kilometers |
| Strength: | 1.15 hours; 9% of weekly workout time; approx. 288 calories burned |
| All Sports: | Approx. 104.3 miles in 12.52 hours; approx. 5110 calories burned Canadian: 1.25 kilometers |
| Sleep: | 6.14 hours avg./night |
| Stretching: | 1.07 hours. Massage: 1.25 hours |
Sunday, November 23, 2008
By the Way, I'm Fucking Sad
I tried, I really tried. But I guess I failed. What the hell is wrong with me???
I've Gone Underground
If you're reading this, you've received an invite to be a reader of my blog. I may not be posting anything for awhile--I really can't say. I put something up that I shouldn't have, and my head is swirling right now and so I am making a commitment to stay off the Internets for awhile, which includes Blogger, Flickr and Facebook.
If you want to get in touch, you already should have my email address, since I have yours.
If someone you know asks about getting access to the Crackhead, send 'em my email address, and tell them to identify themselves, and if I know them, I'll add 'em.
I don't really think that many people read my blog anyway, but many end up on it via Google, and while the posts will still show up in search with a short blurb, clicking on the reference will go to the Blogger page asking you to log in.
Again, I don't know when or if I'll start posting again--you never know. I may surprise myself. I may need to cull some other posts off of here, so if there are any particular favorites, lemme know so I don't delete them.
I may go back to being public at some point--I just don't know right now.
If any of you thinks I'm on a ledge, well, all I can say is that I'm close. Day by day. Always.
Crackhead
If you want to get in touch, you already should have my email address, since I have yours.
If someone you know asks about getting access to the Crackhead, send 'em my email address, and tell them to identify themselves, and if I know them, I'll add 'em.
I don't really think that many people read my blog anyway, but many end up on it via Google, and while the posts will still show up in search with a short blurb, clicking on the reference will go to the Blogger page asking you to log in.
Again, I don't know when or if I'll start posting again--you never know. I may surprise myself. I may need to cull some other posts off of here, so if there are any particular favorites, lemme know so I don't delete them.
I may go back to being public at some point--I just don't know right now.
If any of you thinks I'm on a ledge, well, all I can say is that I'm close. Day by day. Always.
Crackhead
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