I Know What the Birds Were Trying to Tell Me

Today around 1:30PM, I went for my usual Wednesday run. I headed out on my normal route, east from my house, and could tell I had no power in my legs, probably from not getting much sleep lately, probably from my metabolism racing, maybe because I have been drinking more coffee than I had before, but at any rate, I decided I needed to run a different course, and that whatever mileage it turned out to be would be fine.

The weather was pleasant enough--humid, but not too warm, and cloudy. I was about 1/3 mile from home when I noticed that little guy struggling in the grass. I figured he was at best injured and I might be able to help him get back on his feet; at worst he was about to die. I picked him up gently and held him in my hands and knew it wasn't good--he couldn't hold his head up and was gasping for air. So I just held onto him waiting for the inevitable, and it didn't take but maybe another 2 minutes before I saw his last big gasp of air and he died.

A few weeks ago, a chickadee nearly landed on me in my front yard, and then a few days later, another bird almost landed on me while I was running in Waterfall Glen. Today when this cedar waxwing showed up to me, I understood what it all means. Some of you might not believe in signs or supernatural phenomena--all I know is that what I see is open to interpretation and that my life is as I imagine it to be--how could it be anything else?

The cedar waxwing was the third message from my Dad. Before today, I had thought the message was that I should stand still more often and just take in life that way. But today I finally understood the message--don't forget about me! One might think that I haven't grieved "properly," since I was thrust into the role of Executor, and that didn't end until February of this year. Soon after, I acknowledged the stress I was feeling training for UMC. Was that a coincidence? Probably not. At any rate, I probably should have celebrated my Dad somehow at that point, but I did not. I did take him to UMC with me, though, and I plan on taking him to all my other races as long as his ashes last, which should be a good, long time!

Let's just say I was bawling my eyes out as soon as I saw the bird today. When I was a little girl, I regularly rescued baby or adult injured birds with quite a high success rate of return to the wild (at least that's how I remember it). I would cry if they died, I would be sad if they flew away, but I understood it to be part of the cycle of life and death.

So I feel like I need to tell Dad a few things. First off, I have never forgotten about you! I think about you daily, especially since people who knew us both usually say how much I look like you and inherited lots of your intelligence, ability to focus, and stubbornness in pursuit of a reasonable or unreasonable goal. I am you, through and through, and I think that is why Mom never did spend much time talking to me--all she would see was you--and when you two weren't exactly being lovebirds, she didn't need to be reminded of you through me. Although Mom did realize I picked up a lot of my "artistic" side from her--sewing, cooking, gardening and a huge appreciation for the natural world.

I've taken you to a bunch of races, haven't you enjoyed them? I have had only 2 bad races since you passed--IMLP in 2008 when it poured rain on me all day and I let myself succumb to being miserable and giving up in my effort, and Triple T 2009 when I got sick and then was stung by some sort of insect that caused a bad allergic reaction, coupled with a personal issue I won't go into. All my other races since 2007 have gone pretty well! Even considering I had to drop from North Face 50 miler last fall because of stupid gear mistakes I made, I still was well trained and was glad I did it. Everything since then has been spectacular! I hope you have noticed the joy that all this stuff gives me and the nice places I have left part of you.

And I am changing jobs at my company--at least this time I didn't wait 10 years, huh? The new position will be more befitting of my (and your) penchant for pure technology. I am proud to be a geek! I got that from you, you know.

And the last thing you should know is that you have a great-grandchild on the way. As far as I know, it will be your first (you may have another one, but as you might have predicted, 3 of your kids won't speak to me anymore). Your granddaughter, Michelle, is going to have a baby in November! I am excited about this because maybe I will finally learn how to take care of a little baby! You always told me how proud you were of Michelle and how you saw much of yourself in her. I think a new baby coming into the world around the time of your death anniversary will be a good thing for all of us--we will remember you and celebrate with a little one!

I am going to give the cedar waxwing a proper burial someplace in my yard together with some of your ashes, in a place where I can plant something so you can both give it life! Maybe I didn't grieve for you the same way other people might have, but I did, I still do, but I know you understand that it is also my way to live my life with complete exuberance despite the bad things that happen from time to time. You should know that I have developed an unusual obsession with objects with skulls on them. I blame it on you!

Stupid Body!

I thought I might have started running too much too soon after UMC, but as it turns out, my back/glute issues were caused by...drumroll please...RIDING MY BITCH! I got Skull Kingdom put back together on Saturday and took her for a spin, and I noticed right away that my left glute was feeling better. Then yesterday I rode 129 miles in 7 hours (which was a PR for me for 200k plus), and it appears I have confirmed that the other bike position of Bitch was the culprit.

I think what happened was that on Bitch I was stretching some things a bit too much in my erector spinae, and this jacked some vertebrae into different position which affected some nerves and so on. Glad I figured that out! But I think I can still ride Bitch--I think I just need to alternate bikes every so often.

I had been worried that I was creating problems for myself running, and I may still take today away from it since yesterday was a big day, but we'll see.

So I think something I need to practice this new training and racing season is to "look at change." Perhaps I am too immersed in the NOW that I tend to not take into consideration changes which have occurred in the past, and I can't see them for what they are worth. I'm a big fan of NOW, but I am also a big fan of reflection. I can't change the future except NOW, but I can continue to learn from the past. It's funny that this same thing happened to me several times in my run up to UMC--my body would tell me something was wrong and I automatically assumed it was a result of my usual abusive style training (or at least that is how it appears to some people). And I would miss the obvious--like I have to acclimate to orthotics or I need to change to different running shoes and need NEW orthotics.

Perhaps it is just part of the aging process that my body is so sensitive to certain types of change. Or maybe I just have this threshold for overall change in my life, and since UMC there are all sorts of changes in my life that are wonderful, but they have nothing (or maybe everything?) to do with triathlon, and maybe that means my physical body is less tolerant of change. Or maybe I am just ignoring some things that I shouldn't.

This is all so fascinating to me to observe myself impartially and see just what a marvelous life I am having right now. Much of it is focused on my physical body, but the whole reason I began this blog was in honor of my desire to integrate my physical, spiritual, emotional and intellectual sides (a la Stephen Covey, eh?). It has become more difficult for me to separate one from the other now, and maybe that is why I sometimes miss an "obvious" sign of something that has changed? Isn't that cool? The "reason" eventually comes to me, but in the process of that happening, I do tend to look around and make some other changes that always turn out to be positive, so I guess "missing" some things isn't always a bad thing.

If you read my UMC race reports (novels!), you see that I wasn't entirely happy with the level of bike training I did, and I had concerns that this would make for a sub-optimal race for me. But I also realized I've done a whole lot of bike training in prior years, and that carried me through. So yesterday when I began the Bike Psychos 200k ride, I was wondering just how I'd be able to ride with a bunch of people. I hadn't ridden with groups since Quadrupedal Century back in May. I started out the ride with a friend that I hadn't seen in years, although we keep in touch via Facebook. We took off and were chatting up a storm while keeping what I figured was a good pace, although I have taken to not looking at my speed. And how pleasant it was to be able to get some draft! We ended up riding almost together (we caught a pack, but I couldn't hold their aggressive pace entire time, but still was riding well) for about 30 miles, and then he peeled off with some friends who wanted to ride less, which was fine.

I took off and continued riding, mainly by myself, but used the opportunity to catch "targets" along the way. Most of the riders doing either 100 miles or 200k were guys, and as is customary, many of them do not take kindly to a girl riding up on and then passing them. That's cool, I was in such a happy mood, I was saying hi or waving and always smiling at everyone. I was just so happy to be out riding for no good reason! I mean, sure I am doing a NothingMan in 3 weeks, but I did not NEED to ride 200k. Still, I wanted to see how that would feel after UMC.

It got quite hot and windy, and we had several sections right into headwinds that felt like a hot blow dryer. On one stretch when we caught a slight tailwind or at least just crosswind which I know how to handle, I just took off, and was riding by myself when I looked behind and there were I think 10 guys lined up behind me in a paceline. I honestly don't know why they weren't passing me, but it kept me motivated to keep pushing hard. When we reached the next aid station, I got several compliments on my riding, and this was coming up on 91 or so miles. I had no idea how fast I was riding, only that it felt good.

After that stop, we head up a slight hill that sucked. While the ride would be characterized as "mostly flat," there are some solid climbs out of river valleys that can test you. And now we were back into the headwind, and it sucked badly. We went by a wind farm, and I kept thinking I was in Hawaii, because near South Point on the Big Island there is a giant wind farm. I watched the blades turning and thought what a good day for them!

Luckily, some guy about 10 miles later was handing out more cold water, because it was now so hot that I was just guzzling water and wanted to pour it over me, too. The guy had a huge (I think 160-lb.) brown Newfoundland that was just a giant puppy. I was worried he would just knock me over, but he was well behaved. I drank 2 full bottles of ice water and took one to go and continued on my way. I thought all these people would catch me, but that didn't happen either, even though I was struggling a little into the wind, but I just gritted my teeth and persevered, since I knew it was going to end. Here I was "just" riding 200k and feeling like I was suffering!

When I finished, my legs felt predictably worked, and when I got home I downloaded the PowerTap and saw that I had, in fact, ridden well for me, and it just made me smile and think that I guess I really haven't lost any cycling fitness, and I've still got about a month or so to keep it rolling. But why should I? Because it's using the opportunity of good outdoor riding weather and appreciating it and sucking it in before I'm relegated to the trainer. I thought yesterday was a good reality dose of how Ultraman Hawaii might be, too. Although the heat in Kona doesn't feel like it does here, but still the headwind and not shutting down and knowing how much I have to drink when it's like that was a good lesson.

Well, I've been wavering on whether to go and swim, and I think a short recovery swim is in order! Have a great week!