I got to do another brick today, in preparation for my 11/19 indoor half Ironman that I call ChickenMan. It's called that because last year (first annual), me and two friends went to Chicken Basket (best fried chicken in the ENTIRE WORLD) in Willow Springs afterwards to pig out. This year I'm doing it by myself. I've decided I am not planning any training or racing events for anyone else this year. I may occasionally invite someone else to a thing with me, but that will be the exception and not the rule.
Anyway, back to the workout--2 hours on the trainer total: 30' warmup, 2x15' (2') at HIM watts, 20' steady, 20' HIM watts, 20' cd, then run 30' as 10' easy (yeah right), 20' steady z2-z3 as I feel. The bike workout was good--all HIM and steady time was in the BCR, so 70' total! This is one thing I need to get more used to is riding in the BCR more often. I generally stay in the SCR, even though I can push appropriate IM watts in it, but I need to ride more often in the BCR to develop my muscular endurance. I am not like some guys, though, who will ABSOLUTELY NEVER ride in the SCR, even though they are messing up their chains.
When I started the run (after a 5' break to organize and transition from indoors to outdoors), I felt really, really light running up the hill just outside my front door. OK, so it's not a BIG hill, but I go up immediately as soon as I make the right turn out my driveway. I was trying to keep the running easy, and it felt easy, but I wasn't going to check my heart rate, and I didn't. I felt good! First mile: 8:28, nice aerobic HR. Not exactly "easy" mode, but almost :) Then 6.5' further, however far that was, and then turn around. 6.5' exactly back to the mile 1 point, and then last mile 8:10. Lately I always just kick it for the last mile, because what the hell, I'm going HOME.
I'm a little worn out from the workout, as I would expect. I really want to lay down for a bit, and so I shall.
Nutrition notes: I HATE Clif Shot Cola Buzz. Maybe I just now hate ALL Clif Shot and gels. But I LOVE CODE RED!!!! That stuff is just pure magic. I have a feeling this season I will switch to 100% liquid nutrition--a) I don't need that many calories per hour because I'm both small and very efficient (I don't burn that many calories and I'm a good fat burner) and b) if I just drink Gatorade and Code Red, I can get enough calories per hour plus ounces of fluid. It's good to be small!
Saturday, October 29, 2005
Mind Scrolling
So one of the first things to "do" or become comfortable with when trying to increase self-awareness is watching or observing oneself. I have definitely been doing this more often in the last few weeks than every before in my life. I'm trying to pay particular attention to watching my reactions to other people and events. The idea is that if you watch your reaction that you can understand where it might be coming from and then you have a choice--change your frame of reference or change your reaction.
It isn't possible to change every single frame of reference, I think, nor is it always possible to watch and then change your reaction to things; but the first step is just to watch. So I've been watching. When I have a reaction of anger or frustration, for example, it makes me stop and wonder why I am reacting that way. After all, if we let something produce uncomfortable or negative reactions in ourselves, aren't we giving that thing control over us? This is not to say we should discount our sometimes necessary reactions to potentially harmful situations.
But it works both ways--I have as much trouble at times with my reactions to good, positive things as I do to perceived negative things. For example, sometimes when I exceed my own athletic performance expectations, I am in total wonderment as to how that could have come about. What does it mean that I can't just be in that moment of good feeling and awe? And usually, part of the reason for the performance is that I work fucking hard to train myself and be prepared to have such moments! I have worked on this, though, and I think I am slowly learning to just let these things be, not act so surprised, and move on.
It is this, and the letting go of expectations, that I think is enabling me to push myself through some previous thresholds. Some of this is as simple as just looking at my heart rate monitor and thinking, "That is interesting information." I really didn't think I was a slave to my heart rate monitor--I do believe that my fitness has progressed to the point where I can begin utilizing those extra beats without hurting myself, either by compromising my recovery or becoming injured. Although there is an element to how my body mechanically flows while I am doing the exercise, too. I can feel myself running differently. I feel lighter on my feet. I feel like my motions are more flud. What I've been reading lately also says that when people first learn how to meditate, one of the first things they try and do is get more in touch with their bodies. I thought I was in touch with mine, but now I see not to the extent that is now in front of me, and I still have a ways to go. By watching my body, feeling it do what it already knows how to do, and then looking at where I might be holding myself back, I think I can make my sports performance better, or at least more enjoyable!
The same thing has been happening in my swimming. I am swimming a little faster, but easier. Feeling the effort well up in my heart and lungs doesn't frighten me, and I can just keep pushing. Now, admittedly this is just when swimming 100's, so I can't say this necessarily extends to longer distances. But again, after so much technique practice last year, the motions are starting to kick in, and I feel like I am holding good form most of the time. I am still no better than some 9 year old swimmer, though, which can be discouraging, but what the hell, I'll take it. People tell me I have a nice stroke, I guess I should start believing them!
Now biking--well I've moved indoors and that is always a mental challenge. But I think I can weather it once more, thanks to the way my coach (Rich Strauss, http://cruciblefitness.com) trains me. I have definite goals, and he and I will be talking soon about how do I achieve them?
By writing this down, I realize something that seems to happen each fall--my training volume is down, which of course gives me more energy to put into my workouts and I notice I am faster and all that, but I need to do a head check--am I really faster? Swimming maybe not so much, but that doesn't concern me. Running--YESSSSS!!!!!! Biking--as measured by my FT test, at least a little. At least now I feel mentally and physically ready to kick this all up a few notches at least.
Back to scrolling--in addition to watching myself, I am trying to be mindful of the general "scrolling" that my brain does when I am not otherwise occupied. For example, when I'm laying in bed either about to go to sleep or when I first wake up. I am intrigued by the thoughts that are coming in during those times. Sometimes it's lists of things that I need to do or buy or do for work (beginning or end of day organization), and then I am just thinking about THIS--this process, this where am I, this am I doing enough.
I keep revisiting my relationship with my friend, Judy, and also with J--well there IS no relationship with him--and going over again and again what happened, what did I do, what is going to happen in the future, Jay pushing me towards meditation, Susan telling me that desiring challenge might be negative (I told her no), why I'm such a slacker and haven't contacted Patricia in so long (well she hasn't contacted me, either), wondering if I'm being too pushy in trying to establish new friendships with S and Lori, what the fuck is up with DJ and why he can't even acknowledge that I might know a thing or two, happy that I've reestablished contact with my younger sister (even though it's over the White Sox winning the World Series), and the big daddy, will I EVER have an intimate, long-lasting relationship with a man? Do other people go through this shit? I guess this is what meditation is supposed to allegedly help out with. And then sometimes I feel totally helpless and just cry. And I go back to am I doing enough or just doing too much?
I am starting to see that I create expectations of other people to fulfill something in me and then when they fail, I get depressed! What an amazing system! But at least I am knowing that I am doing this now, and that is what really got me depressed initially. I would never put blame on another person, even if it appears that way (I can get quite "animated" in defending my own stupidity). Why would I intentionally do something that I know will eventually make me feel bad? Ah, the perennial question. The way I interpret that is that I make poor choices. Well, if I'm making poor choices, where is that perspective of what my choice is coming from? Bunch of crap inside my head, that's where. It would be nice if I could boil it all down to some simple things, and some of it is simple, but unlearning what's in your head doesn't happen overnight! And although someone is pushing me towards meditation, I'm not quite sure I'm ready to go there yet. Perhaps it would accelerate all this searching and observation, but then again not.
As I've been reading various texts, they are all converging into the same concepts. And these concepts are morphologically the same as mathematics that I've studied, current theories of quantum physics (what little I know about it), past and present theories of how the mind works and ways to think about personality, the artists I happen to love (M. C. Escher, Salvador Dali and Rene Magritte). So as egotistical as this statement may sound, somewhere inside me all this stuff has been floating around just waiting for the opportune moment for my brain/psyche/"self" to put it all together--and then what do I do with it? It totally pisses me off that it's taken this many years, but that's another stupid reaction, I should be happy that I am receiving this opportunity.
But, this makes me feel I am teetering on some sort of madness or intellectual explosion, and I need to be careful that I am not now setting up some other crazy expectations for myself to figure all this out!
As of right now, I think for right now I need to
It isn't possible to change every single frame of reference, I think, nor is it always possible to watch and then change your reaction to things; but the first step is just to watch. So I've been watching. When I have a reaction of anger or frustration, for example, it makes me stop and wonder why I am reacting that way. After all, if we let something produce uncomfortable or negative reactions in ourselves, aren't we giving that thing control over us? This is not to say we should discount our sometimes necessary reactions to potentially harmful situations.
But it works both ways--I have as much trouble at times with my reactions to good, positive things as I do to perceived negative things. For example, sometimes when I exceed my own athletic performance expectations, I am in total wonderment as to how that could have come about. What does it mean that I can't just be in that moment of good feeling and awe? And usually, part of the reason for the performance is that I work fucking hard to train myself and be prepared to have such moments! I have worked on this, though, and I think I am slowly learning to just let these things be, not act so surprised, and move on.
It is this, and the letting go of expectations, that I think is enabling me to push myself through some previous thresholds. Some of this is as simple as just looking at my heart rate monitor and thinking, "That is interesting information." I really didn't think I was a slave to my heart rate monitor--I do believe that my fitness has progressed to the point where I can begin utilizing those extra beats without hurting myself, either by compromising my recovery or becoming injured. Although there is an element to how my body mechanically flows while I am doing the exercise, too. I can feel myself running differently. I feel lighter on my feet. I feel like my motions are more flud. What I've been reading lately also says that when people first learn how to meditate, one of the first things they try and do is get more in touch with their bodies. I thought I was in touch with mine, but now I see not to the extent that is now in front of me, and I still have a ways to go. By watching my body, feeling it do what it already knows how to do, and then looking at where I might be holding myself back, I think I can make my sports performance better, or at least more enjoyable!
The same thing has been happening in my swimming. I am swimming a little faster, but easier. Feeling the effort well up in my heart and lungs doesn't frighten me, and I can just keep pushing. Now, admittedly this is just when swimming 100's, so I can't say this necessarily extends to longer distances. But again, after so much technique practice last year, the motions are starting to kick in, and I feel like I am holding good form most of the time. I am still no better than some 9 year old swimmer, though, which can be discouraging, but what the hell, I'll take it. People tell me I have a nice stroke, I guess I should start believing them!
Now biking--well I've moved indoors and that is always a mental challenge. But I think I can weather it once more, thanks to the way my coach (Rich Strauss, http://cruciblefitness.com) trains me. I have definite goals, and he and I will be talking soon about how do I achieve them?
By writing this down, I realize something that seems to happen each fall--my training volume is down, which of course gives me more energy to put into my workouts and I notice I am faster and all that, but I need to do a head check--am I really faster? Swimming maybe not so much, but that doesn't concern me. Running--YESSSSS!!!!!! Biking--as measured by my FT test, at least a little. At least now I feel mentally and physically ready to kick this all up a few notches at least.
Back to scrolling--in addition to watching myself, I am trying to be mindful of the general "scrolling" that my brain does when I am not otherwise occupied. For example, when I'm laying in bed either about to go to sleep or when I first wake up. I am intrigued by the thoughts that are coming in during those times. Sometimes it's lists of things that I need to do or buy or do for work (beginning or end of day organization), and then I am just thinking about THIS--this process, this where am I, this am I doing enough.
I keep revisiting my relationship with my friend, Judy, and also with J--well there IS no relationship with him--and going over again and again what happened, what did I do, what is going to happen in the future, Jay pushing me towards meditation, Susan telling me that desiring challenge might be negative (I told her no), why I'm such a slacker and haven't contacted Patricia in so long (well she hasn't contacted me, either), wondering if I'm being too pushy in trying to establish new friendships with S and Lori, what the fuck is up with DJ and why he can't even acknowledge that I might know a thing or two, happy that I've reestablished contact with my younger sister (even though it's over the White Sox winning the World Series), and the big daddy, will I EVER have an intimate, long-lasting relationship with a man? Do other people go through this shit? I guess this is what meditation is supposed to allegedly help out with. And then sometimes I feel totally helpless and just cry. And I go back to am I doing enough or just doing too much?
I am starting to see that I create expectations of other people to fulfill something in me and then when they fail, I get depressed! What an amazing system! But at least I am knowing that I am doing this now, and that is what really got me depressed initially. I would never put blame on another person, even if it appears that way (I can get quite "animated" in defending my own stupidity). Why would I intentionally do something that I know will eventually make me feel bad? Ah, the perennial question. The way I interpret that is that I make poor choices. Well, if I'm making poor choices, where is that perspective of what my choice is coming from? Bunch of crap inside my head, that's where. It would be nice if I could boil it all down to some simple things, and some of it is simple, but unlearning what's in your head doesn't happen overnight! And although someone is pushing me towards meditation, I'm not quite sure I'm ready to go there yet. Perhaps it would accelerate all this searching and observation, but then again not.
As I've been reading various texts, they are all converging into the same concepts. And these concepts are morphologically the same as mathematics that I've studied, current theories of quantum physics (what little I know about it), past and present theories of how the mind works and ways to think about personality, the artists I happen to love (M. C. Escher, Salvador Dali and Rene Magritte). So as egotistical as this statement may sound, somewhere inside me all this stuff has been floating around just waiting for the opportune moment for my brain/psyche/"self" to put it all together--and then what do I do with it? It totally pisses me off that it's taken this many years, but that's another stupid reaction, I should be happy that I am receiving this opportunity.
But, this makes me feel I am teetering on some sort of madness or intellectual explosion, and I need to be careful that I am not now setting up some other crazy expectations for myself to figure all this out!
As of right now, I think for right now I need to
- continue watching my actions and reactions
- continue observing the scrolling--maybe I will "fall" into meditation on my own!
- keep reading. At least now I can understand this stuff about awareness--it never really made sense to me before. Reminds me of way back when I was taking a class in numerical analysis--at first it just didn't make sense to me (whereas proving theorems ad nauseum does!)--but at some point the key appeared to me and it just started making sense.
- lay low on pursuing new friendships. Not to say I shouldn't even try, but I really need to watch myself here, relax and just let things unfold. I am so fucking results oriented, that I believe any project that I undertake will go through to completion! Well they all eventually complete, just not always successfully
- stay with my successes that I am seeing athletically, since I believe to some extent that this is my vehicle for expanding into full self-awareness
- be good to my body. It's the only one I have! I have begun sleeping better again, partly due to getting my training volume back up to a level that tires me out; partly because I am actively working through this mental stuff. I am getting a massage every week (and I look forward to returning to Harlan for massages). I am starting to get a little bit better about my nutrition, and I am getting a little bit better about the alcohol (end of baseball season helps!). As usual, I should stretch more!
Friday, October 28, 2005
Testing.....1 2 3 4
Yesterday I did a Functional Threshold (FT) test on the bike trainer. The purpose of this test is to approximate one's CP60, which stands for Critical Power for 60 minutes. FT and CP60 are measured in watts. I have an SRM on my triathlon bike to measure power, and I have a Power Tap on my road bike (haven't figured out how to use it yet).
By measuring FT, you can design your training program to increase it, and the higher the value, presumably the faster you can go in races. It is also a guideline to tell you what watts to ride for different race distances. You would only ride AT FT in, say, an Olympic distance tri. Since my primary distance is Ironman, for that (depending on your experience and fitness level), I would ride at 75-80% of FT (as average watts) for that distance.
I came out at 153 watts average for my CP60. Another measure of your "goodness" at biking is how many watts per kg you generate, and it's a sex-specific measure. Right now I weigh 114 lbs., so my value is 153/(114/2.2)=2.95. According to this chart: http://www.cyclingpeakssoftware.com/images/powerprofile_v3.gif
I am in the "upper moderate" range for pure cyclists, which I'm told is pretty good for a triathlete.
I have decided that my objective is to get my CP60 up to 170 in the next 5 months. Assuming I don't change weight, that gives me a new "goodness" rating of 170/(114/2.2)=3.28, which gets me to "good." I suppose I will need to see how "good" translates to my race performance.
My "A" race for next year is Ironman Brazil, and I would like to qualify for Kona there. Of course, that will depend on who shows up, but based on past years, if I can go 12-12:30 I could be there. Even if I go that speed and don't qualify, though, it will tell me something about my abilities. If I can achieve that time, then the next question will be can I get faster, and if so, what would it take?
It's funny how I am on this parallel path now of both trying to maximize my athletic performance and my mental state. Last season, while I thought I was trying to maximize my athletic performance, I was mostly just training and having fun. Nothing wrong with that, but I had no clue what I am capable of. As this past summer wore on, though, I was beginning to see signs of a different level of fitness that I was approaching, but I didn't really acknowledge it until a few weeks ago. Part of the time lag issue is that I DNF'ed at Ironman Wisconsin, so I never got the chance to REALLY put it all to the test. But in the past 4 weeks I've run a 1/2 marathon, a marathon (both by myself not in actual races) and a 10K (actual race) and seen large PR's (personal records). I was puzzled by this until I spoke with my coach who laughed at me and said, "Well, you are REALLY fit!"
Sometimes I can be such a blockhead and not see the forest for the trees! Another example of this is when all this mental stuff began (also about 4 weeks ago), I was thinking to myself why do I feel so bad(ly) and that it wasn't justified. Not until I began talking it out with a friend, who told me that I had a lot of shit happening all at once and no wonder I was feeling down, did I acknowledge what was going on.
What does this tell me? I am not as in touch with myself as I think! But that, kids, is what I'm working on.
Oh--here's an interesting article I found that just makes my brain feel all tingly, because it combines one of my favorite artists with mathematics and mind shit: http://tap3x.net/EMBTI/j7escher.html#ONE
But you need to read the first link to the article "The Structure of Consciousness." Actually, go ahead and read ALL the links--I'm starting to--if you're not into mathematical structures (which, obviously is a big part of Escher's work), you won't enjoy it at all. I am an (allegedly) trained mathematician, and while I have generally thought of mathematics as pure "logic" and "thought," here now I'm seeing it for all its beauty as another system that parallels what is going on in our brains, the universe and everything! (a bow to Douglas Adams here)
So as fucked up as I have felt mentally (though the fog is clearing), through the magic of the Internet and seeking out other like-minded individuals, I am finding that I may not actually be so fucked up and that I may be putting some things together in an interesting way that, I hope, leads to something amazing--me becoming SOMETHING ELSE!
Triathlon, mathematics, Eastern-oriented spirituality (please, I refuse to embrace a "religion" at this point, so even saying Buddhism would be against my nature), humor/silliness, a few shards of creativity, a little narcissistic voyeursim (thanks for that term, Harlan), obsessive love of the color
PINK
a preference for M. C. Escher, Salvador Dali and Rene Magritte--really, am I unique? What can this combination lead to as I embark upon this journey of increased self-awareness? This is what my father must have meant when he said to me a week ago, "I can't wait to see what's deep down inside of you and where it will take you."
Something strange and wonderful is happening. I can feel it!
By measuring FT, you can design your training program to increase it, and the higher the value, presumably the faster you can go in races. It is also a guideline to tell you what watts to ride for different race distances. You would only ride AT FT in, say, an Olympic distance tri. Since my primary distance is Ironman, for that (depending on your experience and fitness level), I would ride at 75-80% of FT (as average watts) for that distance.
I came out at 153 watts average for my CP60. Another measure of your "goodness" at biking is how many watts per kg you generate, and it's a sex-specific measure. Right now I weigh 114 lbs., so my value is 153/(114/2.2)=2.95. According to this chart: http://www.cyclingpeakssoftware.com/images/powerprofile_v3.gif
I am in the "upper moderate" range for pure cyclists, which I'm told is pretty good for a triathlete.
I have decided that my objective is to get my CP60 up to 170 in the next 5 months. Assuming I don't change weight, that gives me a new "goodness" rating of 170/(114/2.2)=3.28, which gets me to "good." I suppose I will need to see how "good" translates to my race performance.
My "A" race for next year is Ironman Brazil, and I would like to qualify for Kona there. Of course, that will depend on who shows up, but based on past years, if I can go 12-12:30 I could be there. Even if I go that speed and don't qualify, though, it will tell me something about my abilities. If I can achieve that time, then the next question will be can I get faster, and if so, what would it take?
It's funny how I am on this parallel path now of both trying to maximize my athletic performance and my mental state. Last season, while I thought I was trying to maximize my athletic performance, I was mostly just training and having fun. Nothing wrong with that, but I had no clue what I am capable of. As this past summer wore on, though, I was beginning to see signs of a different level of fitness that I was approaching, but I didn't really acknowledge it until a few weeks ago. Part of the time lag issue is that I DNF'ed at Ironman Wisconsin, so I never got the chance to REALLY put it all to the test. But in the past 4 weeks I've run a 1/2 marathon, a marathon (both by myself not in actual races) and a 10K (actual race) and seen large PR's (personal records). I was puzzled by this until I spoke with my coach who laughed at me and said, "Well, you are REALLY fit!"
Sometimes I can be such a blockhead and not see the forest for the trees! Another example of this is when all this mental stuff began (also about 4 weeks ago), I was thinking to myself why do I feel so bad(ly) and that it wasn't justified. Not until I began talking it out with a friend, who told me that I had a lot of shit happening all at once and no wonder I was feeling down, did I acknowledge what was going on.
What does this tell me? I am not as in touch with myself as I think! But that, kids, is what I'm working on.
Oh--here's an interesting article I found that just makes my brain feel all tingly, because it combines one of my favorite artists with mathematics and mind shit: http://tap3x.net/EMBTI/j7escher.html#ONE
But you need to read the first link to the article "The Structure of Consciousness." Actually, go ahead and read ALL the links--I'm starting to--if you're not into mathematical structures (which, obviously is a big part of Escher's work), you won't enjoy it at all. I am an (allegedly) trained mathematician, and while I have generally thought of mathematics as pure "logic" and "thought," here now I'm seeing it for all its beauty as another system that parallels what is going on in our brains, the universe and everything! (a bow to Douglas Adams here)
So as fucked up as I have felt mentally (though the fog is clearing), through the magic of the Internet and seeking out other like-minded individuals, I am finding that I may not actually be so fucked up and that I may be putting some things together in an interesting way that, I hope, leads to something amazing--me becoming SOMETHING ELSE!
Triathlon, mathematics, Eastern-oriented spirituality (please, I refuse to embrace a "religion" at this point, so even saying Buddhism would be against my nature), humor/silliness, a few shards of creativity, a little narcissistic voyeursim (thanks for that term, Harlan), obsessive love of the color
PINK
a preference for M. C. Escher, Salvador Dali and Rene Magritte--really, am I unique? What can this combination lead to as I embark upon this journey of increased self-awareness? This is what my father must have meant when he said to me a week ago, "I can't wait to see what's deep down inside of you and where it will take you."
Something strange and wonderful is happening. I can feel it!
Thursday, October 27, 2005
Where am I right now?
Let's see....for the past 5 weeks I've been doing a lot of reading, thinking and talking to others all in the name of trying to become more self-aware, after suffering a mental "explosion" about 5 weeks ago. The thing had started earlier in the year, but a few personal events conspired to happen in quick sequence during September that just sent me reeling.
What did I do? Based on previous incidents like this, I first assumed I was going crazy, or at least depressed. Some years ago a shrink pronounced me bipolar, so I revisited information about that on the web. Hmmmmm.......maybe....but a few close friends who I trust to have overall better senses than the psychiatric profession said nope, I'm not that. Still, I continued to struggle with some pretty strong emotional "events" that almost scared me, but I just went with them and tried to watch them.
I got some recommendations for some books to read on the subject of finding one's inner self, and have hit a few good ones. I've also taken inventory (after some thought) of things that I think are working for me and things that aren't. Mostly because whenever I get like this there usually was (and there was this time) a recent encounter with a person who attacked my basic nature, and it always makes me wonder if there's something "bad" about me. I do have a rather strong personality (you would not call me meek) that some find distasteful. But it's that strength that's coming from inside that sometimes just gets out of control when it is externalized through words and actions.
But I do fall victim to what a lot of normal people do--like I get too attached to people (and a desire for validation) and things, and I put abnormally high expectations on others. I truly believe that I am honest to a fault and behave with high integrity almost 100% of the time. OK, so sometimes I fall down, but everyone does, don't they? One thing, though, that I absolutely can NOT tolerate is when someone lies to me. It's even worse now because usually I can tell it when it's happening. Just totally flips me. Yet what is my reaction except to think I somehow provoked it! What is it with us that we want other people to behave in ways that we can work with and then when they don't we get all angry or depressed? Fascinating! This is one of the things I am "working" on.
Yet I don't want to "work" too hard, because one of the traps I fall into is DOING too much. I need to learn better to just BE or to just LET THINGS BE. Sometimes what's called for is nothing or inaction. Being a very driven, goal-oriented person, you might guess this is difficult for me. But signs currently are pointing me towards meditation, so I'm probably going to give that a shot.
Combined with meditation, I am also consciously trying to watch myself more, and that is helping me. So much of what I do or say that appears to be automatic is actually coming from preconceived notions, old habits, and thoughts and beliefs that I've been conditioned with. This is not to say I can eliminate all those things; but some of those things DO need to be UNLEARNED so that I can approach things more with an open mind and heart.
See I have this need (maybe it will go away with meditation?) for intimate connections on intellectual, spiritual and physical levels. In case you're wondering, though, I don't go for being a slut, although sometimes I think about it. For intellectual and spiritual intimacy I look to friendships, and well, if I EVER manage to have a serious relationship (including sex) with a man, I would want all those components to be present.
So back to the question: where am I right now?
I'm OK with knowing that I'm in the midst of a process that I can't completely control, that I have no idea how long it is going to take, that I realize never really ends or that I will "get there," that I need to keep watching myself, that I am incredibly strong physically and that if I can tap into the mental strength and combine it with the physical that I will indeed by something else!
I guess that's where I am--I do love myself at my core, but I want to be SOMETHING ELSE!
Stay tuned--the journey is interesting!
What did I do? Based on previous incidents like this, I first assumed I was going crazy, or at least depressed. Some years ago a shrink pronounced me bipolar, so I revisited information about that on the web. Hmmmmm.......maybe....but a few close friends who I trust to have overall better senses than the psychiatric profession said nope, I'm not that. Still, I continued to struggle with some pretty strong emotional "events" that almost scared me, but I just went with them and tried to watch them.
I got some recommendations for some books to read on the subject of finding one's inner self, and have hit a few good ones. I've also taken inventory (after some thought) of things that I think are working for me and things that aren't. Mostly because whenever I get like this there usually was (and there was this time) a recent encounter with a person who attacked my basic nature, and it always makes me wonder if there's something "bad" about me. I do have a rather strong personality (you would not call me meek) that some find distasteful. But it's that strength that's coming from inside that sometimes just gets out of control when it is externalized through words and actions.
But I do fall victim to what a lot of normal people do--like I get too attached to people (and a desire for validation) and things, and I put abnormally high expectations on others. I truly believe that I am honest to a fault and behave with high integrity almost 100% of the time. OK, so sometimes I fall down, but everyone does, don't they? One thing, though, that I absolutely can NOT tolerate is when someone lies to me. It's even worse now because usually I can tell it when it's happening. Just totally flips me. Yet what is my reaction except to think I somehow provoked it! What is it with us that we want other people to behave in ways that we can work with and then when they don't we get all angry or depressed? Fascinating! This is one of the things I am "working" on.
Yet I don't want to "work" too hard, because one of the traps I fall into is DOING too much. I need to learn better to just BE or to just LET THINGS BE. Sometimes what's called for is nothing or inaction. Being a very driven, goal-oriented person, you might guess this is difficult for me. But signs currently are pointing me towards meditation, so I'm probably going to give that a shot.
Combined with meditation, I am also consciously trying to watch myself more, and that is helping me. So much of what I do or say that appears to be automatic is actually coming from preconceived notions, old habits, and thoughts and beliefs that I've been conditioned with. This is not to say I can eliminate all those things; but some of those things DO need to be UNLEARNED so that I can approach things more with an open mind and heart.
See I have this need (maybe it will go away with meditation?) for intimate connections on intellectual, spiritual and physical levels. In case you're wondering, though, I don't go for being a slut, although sometimes I think about it. For intellectual and spiritual intimacy I look to friendships, and well, if I EVER manage to have a serious relationship (including sex) with a man, I would want all those components to be present.
So back to the question: where am I right now?
I'm OK with knowing that I'm in the midst of a process that I can't completely control, that I have no idea how long it is going to take, that I realize never really ends or that I will "get there," that I need to keep watching myself, that I am incredibly strong physically and that if I can tap into the mental strength and combine it with the physical that I will indeed by something else!
I guess that's where I am--I do love myself at my core, but I want to be SOMETHING ELSE!
Stay tuned--the journey is interesting!
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