Where am I right now?

Let's see....for the past 5 weeks I've been doing a lot of reading, thinking and talking to others all in the name of trying to become more self-aware, after suffering a mental "explosion" about 5 weeks ago. The thing had started earlier in the year, but a few personal events conspired to happen in quick sequence during September that just sent me reeling.

What did I do? Based on previous incidents like this, I first assumed I was going crazy, or at least depressed. Some years ago a shrink pronounced me bipolar, so I revisited information about that on the web. Hmmmmm.......maybe....but a few close friends who I trust to have overall better senses than the psychiatric profession said nope, I'm not that. Still, I continued to struggle with some pretty strong emotional "events" that almost scared me, but I just went with them and tried to watch them.

I got some recommendations for some books to read on the subject of finding one's inner self, and have hit a few good ones. I've also taken inventory (after some thought) of things that I think are working for me and things that aren't. Mostly because whenever I get like this there usually was (and there was this time) a recent encounter with a person who attacked my basic nature, and it always makes me wonder if there's something "bad" about me. I do have a rather strong personality (you would not call me meek) that some find distasteful. But it's that strength that's coming from inside that sometimes just gets out of control when it is externalized through words and actions.

But I do fall victim to what a lot of normal people do--like I get too attached to people (and a desire for validation) and things, and I put abnormally high expectations on others. I truly believe that I am honest to a fault and behave with high integrity almost 100% of the time. OK, so sometimes I fall down, but everyone does, don't they? One thing, though, that I absolutely can NOT tolerate is when someone lies to me. It's even worse now because usually I can tell it when it's happening. Just totally flips me. Yet what is my reaction except to think I somehow provoked it! What is it with us that we want other people to behave in ways that we can work with and then when they don't we get all angry or depressed? Fascinating! This is one of the things I am "working" on.

Yet I don't want to "work" too hard, because one of the traps I fall into is DOING too much. I need to learn better to just BE or to just LET THINGS BE. Sometimes what's called for is nothing or inaction. Being a very driven, goal-oriented person, you might guess this is difficult for me. But signs currently are pointing me towards meditation, so I'm probably going to give that a shot.

Combined with meditation, I am also consciously trying to watch myself more, and that is helping me. So much of what I do or say that appears to be automatic is actually coming from preconceived notions, old habits, and thoughts and beliefs that I've been conditioned with. This is not to say I can eliminate all those things; but some of those things DO need to be UNLEARNED so that I can approach things more with an open mind and heart.

See I have this need (maybe it will go away with meditation?) for intimate connections on intellectual, spiritual and physical levels. In case you're wondering, though, I don't go for being a slut, although sometimes I think about it. For intellectual and spiritual intimacy I look to friendships, and well, if I EVER manage to have a serious relationship (including sex) with a man, I would want all those components to be present.

So back to the question: where am I right now?

I'm OK with knowing that I'm in the midst of a process that I can't completely control, that I have no idea how long it is going to take, that I realize never really ends or that I will "get there," that I need to keep watching myself, that I am incredibly strong physically and that if I can tap into the mental strength and combine it with the physical that I will indeed by something else!

I guess that's where I am--I do love myself at my core, but I want to be SOMETHING ELSE!

Stay tuned--the journey is interesting!