It isn't possible to change every single frame of reference, I think, nor is it always possible to watch and then change your reaction to things; but the first step is just to watch. So I've been watching. When I have a reaction of anger or frustration, for example, it makes me stop and wonder why I am reacting that way. After all, if we let something produce uncomfortable or negative reactions in ourselves, aren't we giving that thing control over us? This is not to say we should discount our sometimes necessary reactions to potentially harmful situations.
But it works both ways--I have as much trouble at times with my reactions to good, positive things as I do to perceived negative things. For example, sometimes when I exceed my own athletic performance expectations, I am in total wonderment as to how that could have come about. What does it mean that I can't just be in that moment of good feeling and awe? And usually, part of the reason for the performance is that I work fucking hard to train myself and be prepared to have such moments! I have worked on this, though, and I think I am slowly learning to just let these things be, not act so surprised, and move on.
It is this, and the letting go of expectations, that I think is enabling me to push myself through some previous thresholds. Some of this is as simple as just looking at my heart rate monitor and thinking, "That is interesting information." I really didn't think I was a slave to my heart rate monitor--I do believe that my fitness has progressed to the point where I can begin utilizing those extra beats without hurting myself, either by compromising my recovery or becoming injured. Although there is an element to how my body mechanically flows while I am doing the exercise, too. I can feel myself running differently. I feel lighter on my feet. I feel like my motions are more flud. What I've been reading lately also says that when people first learn how to meditate, one of the first things they try and do is get more in touch with their bodies. I thought I was in touch with mine, but now I see not to the extent that is now in front of me, and I still have a ways to go. By watching my body, feeling it do what it already knows how to do, and then looking at where I might be holding myself back, I think I can make my sports performance better, or at least more enjoyable!
The same thing has been happening in my swimming. I am swimming a little faster, but easier. Feeling the effort well up in my heart and lungs doesn't frighten me, and I can just keep pushing. Now, admittedly this is just when swimming 100's, so I can't say this necessarily extends to longer distances. But again, after so much technique practice last year, the motions are starting to kick in, and I feel like I am holding good form most of the time. I am still no better than some 9 year old swimmer, though, which can be discouraging, but what the hell, I'll take it. People tell me I have a nice stroke, I guess I should start believing them!
Now biking--well I've moved indoors and that is always a mental challenge. But I think I can weather it once more, thanks to the way my coach (Rich Strauss, http://cruciblefitness.com) trains me. I have definite goals, and he and I will be talking soon about how do I achieve them?
By writing this down, I realize something that seems to happen each fall--my training volume is down, which of course gives me more energy to put into my workouts and I notice I am faster and all that, but I need to do a head check--am I really faster? Swimming maybe not so much, but that doesn't concern me. Running--YESSSSS!!!!!! Biking--as measured by my FT test, at least a little. At least now I feel mentally and physically ready to kick this all up a few notches at least.
Back to scrolling--in addition to watching myself, I am trying to be mindful of the general "scrolling" that my brain does when I am not otherwise occupied. For example, when I'm laying in bed either about to go to sleep or when I first wake up. I am intrigued by the thoughts that are coming in during those times. Sometimes it's lists of things that I need to do or buy or do for work (beginning or end of day organization), and then I am just thinking about THIS--this process, this where am I, this am I doing enough.
I keep revisiting my relationship with my friend, Judy, and also with J--well there IS no relationship with him--and going over again and again what happened, what did I do, what is going to happen in the future, Jay pushing me towards meditation, Susan telling me that desiring challenge might be negative (I told her no), why I'm such a slacker and haven't contacted Patricia in so long (well she hasn't contacted me, either), wondering if I'm being too pushy in trying to establish new friendships with S and Lori, what the fuck is up with DJ and why he can't even acknowledge that I might know a thing or two, happy that I've reestablished contact with my younger sister (even though it's over the White Sox winning the World Series), and the big daddy, will I EVER have an intimate, long-lasting relationship with a man? Do other people go through this shit? I guess this is what meditation is supposed to allegedly help out with. And then sometimes I feel totally helpless and just cry. And I go back to am I doing enough or just doing too much?
I am starting to see that I create expectations of other people to fulfill something in me and then when they fail, I get depressed! What an amazing system! But at least I am knowing that I am doing this now, and that is what really got me depressed initially. I would never put blame on another person, even if it appears that way (I can get quite "animated" in defending my own stupidity). Why would I intentionally do something that I know will eventually make me feel bad? Ah, the perennial question. The way I interpret that is that I make poor choices. Well, if I'm making poor choices, where is that perspective of what my choice is coming from? Bunch of crap inside my head, that's where. It would be nice if I could boil it all down to some simple things, and some of it is simple, but unlearning what's in your head doesn't happen overnight! And although someone is pushing me towards meditation, I'm not quite sure I'm ready to go there yet. Perhaps it would accelerate all this searching and observation, but then again not.
As I've been reading various texts, they are all converging into the same concepts. And these concepts are morphologically the same as mathematics that I've studied, current theories of quantum physics (what little I know about it), past and present theories of how the mind works and ways to think about personality, the artists I happen to love (M. C. Escher, Salvador Dali and Rene Magritte). So as egotistical as this statement may sound, somewhere inside me all this stuff has been floating around just waiting for the opportune moment for my brain/psyche/"self" to put it all together--and then what do I do with it? It totally pisses me off that it's taken this many years, but that's another stupid reaction, I should be happy that I am receiving this opportunity.
But, this makes me feel I am teetering on some sort of madness or intellectual explosion, and I need to be careful that I am not now setting up some other crazy expectations for myself to figure all this out!
As of right now, I think for right now I need to
- continue watching my actions and reactions
- continue observing the scrolling--maybe I will "fall" into meditation on my own!
- keep reading. At least now I can understand this stuff about awareness--it never really made sense to me before. Reminds me of way back when I was taking a class in numerical analysis--at first it just didn't make sense to me (whereas proving theorems ad nauseum does!)--but at some point the key appeared to me and it just started making sense.
- lay low on pursuing new friendships. Not to say I shouldn't even try, but I really need to watch myself here, relax and just let things unfold. I am so fucking results oriented, that I believe any project that I undertake will go through to completion! Well they all eventually complete, just not always successfully
- stay with my successes that I am seeing athletically, since I believe to some extent that this is my vehicle for expanding into full self-awareness
- be good to my body. It's the only one I have! I have begun sleeping better again, partly due to getting my training volume back up to a level that tires me out; partly because I am actively working through this mental stuff. I am getting a massage every week (and I look forward to returning to Harlan for massages). I am starting to get a little bit better about my nutrition, and I am getting a little bit better about the alcohol (end of baseball season helps!). As usual, I should stretch more!
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