FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!

Just when you think things can't get any worse, they do.

So I'm cleaning and moving things around downstairs, and like a dumbass, I decide to try and move this heavy shelf thing that I wanted out of my way. It is going in the trash, anyway.

I'm sliding it moving backwards and caught my right foot on something else in the way and could feel the fall in slow motion and my back being pulled something fierce at the same time, and it hurt while it happened.

Was able to stand up and immediately get my huge ice pack and lay down on it, and will begin icing/Vitamin I hourly. Last time I did this, I didn't get on the ice and was miserable, so perhaps I will only be down for the count today.

On the plus side, it's going to feel better standing up, and I can still continue on with some of the cleaning and moving of small items.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!!

Update: Took some Vitamin I, on my second round of icing, and already I'm walking almost normally, can squat down and bend over (carefully). So, if I'm extra careful today, I may be able to spin on the bike and who knows? I may be able to run tomorrow...we'll see!

After the Fall

Bunch of Pieces

Destruction

Sorry, wrong video. This one:

Islands of Serenity during Chaos

I'm in the process of trying to restore myself to a state of serenity--the place where I thought I was, at least, in September. That process requires a few things:

• time and motivation for me to stretch daily (except for days when I get a massage), which is one of my restorative activities. It's even better when I can do a bit of it first thing in the morning in my living room, which is where I keep my Buddha. Buddha is decorated with ribbons from many floral arrangements that I've received in the past few years (many from Cindy). The ribbons remind me of good times and sad times, and placing them on Buddha symbolizes to me that life is comprised of both, and we wouldn't be who we are without both experiences. My stretching time is also a meditative time, and so it helps me center myself at either the beginning or end of a day.
• things (even though things themselves are not important) that remind me of peacefulness. In the process of having my home office painted, I moved many things around and decided I needed to make an area on my desk for my serenity chimes (yes, that's what they were called when I bought them many, many years ago). I like the chimes because the frame reminds me of

  π

  which is one of my favorite transcendental numbers. The chimes are flanked by two stone obelisks. I like obelisks because they are monolithic, and that also brings to mind being centered, peaceful and also at times some sort of higher power concept. In front of the chimes are my marbles, that I've had for I don't know how long. I used to keep them in a suede pouch (see this really old post for my first reference to them and fun facts about me if you've never read them before) hanging on the wall in my office; recently I figured out they would all fit into this small vase that is very special to me, and so that's where they now live as part of this small tableau.
• time and desire to read novels. I haven't had time for the last 3 months between travel and remodeling and (as a friend called it) "shifting the shit." But reading--fantasy, deep thought-provoking and other occasional non-fiction--is something that when I am able to do it means that I am in a good place. Last winter, the point at which I was able to pick up books to read again marked a turning point in my grief process. I've decided I need to reread Going to Pieces Without Falling Apart for the third time. It's been a real comfort to me twice before during difficult periods of my life, and I'm sure I'll gain additional insight from it this time.
  
• some semblance of a training program. Isn't it interesting that I didn't list this first? While, in fact, training is very important to me, it's only one component that needs to coexist with the others for me to feel good and benefit from the training.
• adherence to a healthier diet. This typically happens naturally once I'm training with some regularity.
• restful and continuous sleep. This is also highly dependent on getting back in training, because one thing I know about myself is that I do need to achieve a certain combination of physical exhaustion and lack of stress in order to sleep well. It's just the way it is right now.
• make some changes. Well, obviously, repainting and remodeling my entire house is a bunch of change! But I also have switched gears from wanting a bunch of pink accessories to silver (my silver shoe collection above) and zebra. In a way, the silver reminds me of simpler times in my life. I had a pair of silver shoes in college (they started out black and I spray-painted them silver, but believe it or not they looked good) that I wore to death, and recently I recalled my love of silver shoes. I started out with the sparkly Converse ones that I've had since just before IMLP, and I added the other 3 pairs (who knew Sperry topsiders came in silver?) just recently. I know it sounds trite and unevolved, but there's something about wearing silver shoes on my feet that when I look down gives me a tiny bit of good feeling, and we can all take all the good feelings we can get, right?
• look at photos--old and new. All but one of my wedding photos were destroyed (no love lost there), and many personal photos by my former cats spraying on them. I only have a few boxes left, and luckily the really old stuff was untouched. Above is me (guess which one) in college when it was around Halloween, I was Social Chairman, and to raise money for our philanthropy and also parties, we sold massage for $1/minute. I have also been looking through many new photos, mostly stored in Flickr, to remind me of all the good people and times in my life.
  

I have been at wit's end as far as when my Dad's estate can be closed, because for me (and I've learned this is very common for Executors), that will mark a major sense of closure and peace. Not that I haven't come to terms with my Dad's death--I have--but the estate closure will mark a very real point on the calendar where I can know I've finished a job. I'm now working on the very last piece, and if all goes well, I should be able to finish things up in January. Knowing what the final steps (and there are some convoluted ones) in the process are gives me peace of mind.

Of course, being sick for nearly a week wasn't helping things, and the remodeling being unfinished continues to create stress. But the illness is gone, I'm starting to feel better and get back to training and I'm managing to find a few minutes each day to stretch. I've got a few places in the house that, despite the disarray, remind me of peacefulness, I'm starting to eat better, and I know that in a few weeks I'll start to have time to read again. I just need to make it through (hopefully) the next two weeks of remodeling stuff and I should be in a much better place.

One day at a time!

Cali Girl Barbie Directs *NEW* Porno TV Cooking Show!!!

Feeling Much Better

I'm doing a whole lot better today. Spent the entire weekend being sick and taking so many drugs that I couldn't tell whether I was getting better or not.

On Saturday, I made a foray to buy some house stuff, intending to go to 2 or 3 different stores, but after completing one stop, I was so exhausted that I headed back home for more soup, medicine, and bed time.

Yesterday around 10AM I decided I was done taking drugs and would tough it out, and magically I was able to complete a small odyssey, and got a lot of cool stuff for my bathroom that will begin construction next week.

Some things that were weighing heavily on my mind came to resolution in the past few days. I ended up settling on pure black granite for the vanity top in the bathroom, and then I went faucet hunting. Today I will find out if my guy can obtain all the parts for the ONLY FAUCET DESIGN THAT I LIKE!!!

I ordered these towels and also these. I got black/chrome waste basket and other accessories plus plain red and black towels from Target, and now I just need to agonize over a rug. I'm also thinking about how I want the floor tile laid--it will be black and white on the diagonal, but maybe I want a pattern--maybe not.

I reordered blinds for my office and guest bedroom from Home Depot after Lowe's fucked up my order over 4 weeks ago, but they should arrive in time for the final day of remodeling where we'll lay down the zebra carpet (which should arrive any day now) and I'll write a big check for the remaining work.

I stretched yesterday for the first time in about a week and a half, and I'm not sure whether it was stretching or what, but both my psoas muscles are in a bit of a spasm, but I'm not too worried about them.

I am still sick, but way better than I was 2 days ago. At least my nose isn't running like a faucet and the headache is finally gone. I'm not sure whether I can work out today, but I'm thinking at least a core session will be a good thing. Since I can breathe almost normally again, I can go and get a massage tonight!

I am just no good mentally when I am physically sick, and having the double whammy this past week really sucked the big one. But things are looking up--see the post above!