Reflections on Nothing

I'm assembling all my stats for my 2007-2008 triathlon season, which officially concluded with NothingMan. I thought I'd get around to posting that this week, but I'm lazy so not until next week.

But I am looking back on the year and just this past weekend and all I can say it's been some kind of ride. I feel kind of like the Phoenix, in that I truly, honestly felt like I was in an abyss from November through mid-February, and then things just got better and better, but still with bumps along the way, leading up to the reemergence of everything that is good and right with the world.

You, or should I say I, can't stop the inevitable cycles of energy/inertia, bliss/despair, success/failure, and believe me, I had it all this past season, and know there will be more of it in my future. But on the plus side, when you've been at your lowest point, like I was last winter, anything not that is like frosting on the cake. If nothing (!) else, I've become much, much more appreciative of not bad stuff and grateful in general.

After IMLP, which ostensibly was not a good race for me, I was happy to keep training for NothingMan, because, well, I was just happy to be able to do it, and I really now feel like that Phoenix in that I feel really, really physically and mentally strong right now. And then NothingMan was way, way better than anything else all year, and I felt like I was celebrating during it, and still am. I had water in my house, the streets were flooded, it rained all weekend, but that was all just the background. The thing about NothingMan is that you go into it knowing that it has the potential to be way more problematical (from a logistical perspective) than a normal Ironman, and you just have to be OK with it! And then move beyond it, and let the experience be and unfold under the guise of you're swimming, biking and running, which also recedes into the background. And so to be ready for NothingMan, I guess what I'm saying is it's not so much the physical training that counts, but the mental aspect and really, really being able to let go of everything so you can move through it (I suppose for the sake of saying you did x distance) in a state of receptivity to what you can learn about yourself.

Hard to explain, but you are doing the physical activity and maintaining awareness of your surroundings, but it's your mind that really gets to exercise. There were some interesting thoughts I had during the weekend that sometimes I'd share and sometimes not. A new one I had this time around was, "I hate myself." But it was funny--almost like I was disassociating from my own self, or maybe from my physical self. Hard to explain. Anyway, there was no time during NothingMan that I felt any true physical pain or concern over my ability to keep going. In fact, I think I could have just kept going, but sometimes you do need to stop :)

I had my first glimpse of NothingMan-ness in 2004 when I think I was finally able to absorb all the training I'd done the prior 3 years and just enjoy my mental state during the marathon at IMC, which is why that race holds a special place in my heart. And then I got that same thing going during the marathon at IMH 2004. And it made me think, how do I get that more often in my life? And that's when my real journey into Nothingness began. In 2005 I went and ran a marathon by myself. I mean, you know, trying to PR and all, which I did do. And it was good Nothingness, because it prepared me for the next year when my Mom died. I don't know why I waited again until 2007 to do my first NothingMan, but something must have guided me, because it prepared me for the death of my Dad.

And so I think that I really got my Nothingness together (if, in fact, it's possible to get nothing together) for this last weekend's NothingMan, because I was able to transcend all the physical stuff and just float through it, knowing that at some level it's preparing me for something else--what, I have no idea, but I'll know it when it happens. Like my body was just a vehicle that was enabling my mind to do its preparation for what will come next. And I got lucky in that my co-NothingMan was in the same place mentally so we could do it together but allow one another to be wherever we were in our heads, which is the whole point. But then again, a person knows they can do Nothing or else they wouldn't sign up for it, right?

I think at some level that a regular Ironman now just sets me up for Nothing, and I am good with that. I'll eventually be able to stop doing Ironman and just do Nothing. I think I'm getting to be pretty good at Nothing! Don't get me wrong--I think you can get some of your Nothing doing actual events, too, but for me actual events can sometimes be way too distracting what with people trying to shake you loose from your own mind--what's up with that? But both actual events and Nothing do serve to awaken you to more possibilities so you can go, "gee, I could do that." I almost think there is nothing that I couldn't do, but sometimes it just needs to be presented at the right time. You can't force the Nothingness to happen. But to me, it's better than some stupid PR for doing something! Although, again, don't get me wrong--I do not want to suck while doing something or nothing, and I know that the physical preparation is also necessary. Holy shit--did it really take me 12 IM's to get here? I guess so.

What's funny is that I think I'm going to go run a 50K in a few weeks. It won't be nothing, but that's what I mean about sometimes doing nothing awakening you to other things. But I already am excited about doing a 1/2 NothingMan in a couple of months. I'm still not locked in on anything between now and May 2009, but I know it's going to be good stuff one way or the other.

And so I will end this post with a pic of me from the weekend that to me captures just how great it was. I can still feel that smile on my face deep down inside, and hope I can hang onto it for awhile! It was taken after we finished riding in the rain at Fermilab on Saturday.