Where am I Going?

Fall is a common time when we think about the past year and look towards the next. A little over a year ago, I was having discussions with my Dad about possibly moving someplace else and him coming to live with me. At the time, I also knew that I'd want to have some work done on my house, after about 9 years of neglect due to my immersion in running and then triathlon, before making such a move. Well, things turned out a little differently. Dad died, but I still wanted to get going on those house projects because I needed to start thinking about where I want to live next, assuming I'm able to change directions in the next few years.

First I had to get the Estate process going, and I got most of it done before IMLP, but then knew I'd still be wanting to train a lot. Something told me in early August that it was time to pull the trigger and start work on the house. That one decision has created a snowball effect. So far, the exterior has been painted and new windows have been installed. Next will be interior painting and redoing some of the window treatments and maybe getting some new furniture in the bedrooms. In the process of moving things around to prepare for the work, things are just screaming at me to do something about them--be it fix up, toss or evaluate for the future. I had begun a general purge of "stuff" last winter, as part of my grief process, and now it continues.

I've kept a page on my office desk blotter at home for 5 years now, and while I moved the blotter and the computers on top of it so I could work in a different area of the house, I just moved them back and decided to read something I'd written to myself 5 years ago, and so I'm going to write it down here before I toss the paper. In rereading it myself, I can see that I probably knew where I was heading, and while I'm not all the way there, I think I've made good progress.

I wrote this on 5/10/2003 at the point where I was injured, unable to run, and knew I couldn't go race in a 1/2 Ironman in Kona in a few weeks. It was devastating to me at the time because, well, I really love Kona, didn't know how long I'd be injured, and it was my first brush with the possibility that I might not be able to run again. As it turns out, I still went to Kona and had a wonderful time cheering for a friend and basically everyone else, I came back from the injury by July as a result of researching trigger point therapy, and I PR'ed in a 1/2 IM after not much training. I went back to a chiropractor I had seen just a few times and he was shocked that I had fixed myself. I was proud of myself because in returning to running, I took an extremely conservative approach, which was a huge exercise in self-control for me. Since that time, I have learned pretty well how to manage potential injuries and also a ton of patience, and obviously, become much more in tune with my body and hopefully my mind.

So, reprinted for your reading pleasure, see if you can see the future themes, many of which I think I've laid out on this blog:

5/10/2003

Dear Sheila,

I know this hurts (literally) and is disappointing. But, you will no doubt benefit from the rest and perhaps reconnect with your health in a new way. Not to mention becoming a better swimmer! Learn from this--listen more carefully to your body and the signals it sends when it needs a break. Tell those around you that you need their help in sounding back at you when you say you are "not 100%." Because you know that you are usually running around 250%. Let others help you. Tell them they need to be honest with you. You are not invincible, even though you have a shell that makes it appear that way. Take care of some other aspects of your life during this time away from training. You were a pretty cool person before you started doing this triathlon stuff, and that part of you is still inside. Don't be afraid of that part of yourself. It's the foundation that has enabled you to be where you are today.

Be thankful. Despite this injury, you are a healthy, beautiful woman. You have friends and family that love you, even when you act self-absorbed and think what you are doing is so amazing. Remember how you always say that the main thing you want in your life is to live every day with integrity, and to set a good example of what's possible to others? You are already living proof of that, and you are not diminished in the eyes of anyone for failing one goal. You need to keep aiming and shooting--sometimes you will hit, and sometimes you will miss. Each miss may hurt, but learn from it so you increase the chance of hitting.

Love,
Me

And of course, I have to reprint my two favorite quotes that are displayed prominently in my home office area that I only ran across for the first time a few years ago:

When the archer shoots for no particular prize, he has all his skills; when he shoots to win a brass buckle, he is already nervous; when he shoots for a gold prize, he goes blind, sees two targets, and is out of his mind. His skill has not changed, but the prize divides him. He cares! He thinks more of winning than of shooting, and the need to win drains him of power.
--Tranxu

To achieve satisfaction in everything
Desire it in nothing.
To possess everything,
Desire to have nothing.
To be everything,
Desire to be nothing.
To know everything,
Desire to know nothing.
--John of the Cross

I think I must have known 5 years ago that I would get to the point of wanting to do NothingMan, and I just right now realized the poignancy of both quotes.

The journey continues!