Still Lost

Thanks everyone who left me such nice words on the last post. I am still lost, I am still suffering and I suppose now I'm getting back to the roots of how I started this blog in the first place, which was being in a similar place that I am now, only 2 years ago.

I have been writing down a lot of stuff over the past two weeks, so I knew that I was falling down the rabbit hole already, and Cindy was very observant in that I need to be able to articulate my own condition before I'm ready to start talking about it. I've articulated a lot in my private journal, and as it comes together I will share what I think is shareable, but here are a few thoughts:

• Yes, Pirate Girl--I am probably self-medicating with exercise to eliminate periods of mental suffering. Whether or not I'm truly bipolar is not something I'm concerned with right now (I've been down that path before and I could be a LOT worse off than I am). A problem with this form of self-medication, though, is that periodically the body actually does require rest; only when I've become so used to not resting, it's as if I've stored up a suffering bomb that eventually must be unleashed. So you can see why I rarely talk about hard training or racing as having an element of suffering! For me, it isn't!
  
• I really am looking for connectedness and intimacy--it doesn't need to come in the form of a sexual relationship, but just with some friends. I don't feel like I have that, and I wonder if, in fact, I push it away. Or maybe I'm just too afraid to ask for it. Thing is, I can be a rather intense person to be around, and when I want something, I want it. I've been told that can be overwhelming, yet I don't know how to be that subdued once my desires take over, and that is one avenue for creating my own suffering, because I don't feel entitled to ask for anything from anyone, really, and a lot of the time I think my desires are out of control. Paradoxically, this, I believe, is one of the traits that other people are attracted to about me--my intensity. Or else I'm hallucinating :) Now see, what's funny about this is that's why people read this blog, isn't it? I know that I really like reading blogs of other people who are really, really intense, and I love reading books by crazed endurance athletes, as I feel this certain kinship with their mindset.
  
• In the universe of people who I consider my acquaintances, of which I have plenty, I think, there are very few who are able to cope with the push and pull and the mental turmoil that I put myself through. What I mean by that is being able to leave me alone when that is what I really need, and not leave me alone when that is not what I need, for example. Also knowing when to agree with me when I say things like I suck and when to disagree. And to pull me out of myself when all I want to do is retreat. I can be quite resistant to the very thing I need at times. I tend to use strong language when describing myself, and I'm sure it can be difficult for someone else to dissect all that and figure out what the hell I really mean at times. I guess in a nutshell is that while I have this very intense, confident outer shell, it's really just a fragile shell. Don't get me wrong--I enjoy it a lot of the time--but sometimes I'm just wishing for someone to come along with a hammer and crack the shell and let me be who I am with my guard down. I haven't had a relationship like that in years.
• The reason I know what I know about those few things that I know a lot about is that I have this laser focus that I enjoy putting to use periodically by totally immersing myself in something. However, comma, the one thing I am unable to immerse myself in is my self! I have this really strong drive to figure myself out, and what I have been able to figure out so far is not something I like all the time, and I don't know how to change it. I hear that is a normal part of the human condition, but for some reason I seem to feel it pretty intensely. Maybe I'm self-medicating against feeling it in one way, but doesn't everyone do that in one way or the other? I mean who really wants to experience the depths of their own personal suffering? And I think you need to experience it and go there in order to escape from it. Yes, I've read all sorts of books on meditation and such, and I do do it, but periodically I come back to the reality that I've not achieved Nirvana and that I probably won't ever, but I suppose one should still have that as a goal? Tough to do in the society in which I live. I could do better, though.
• I keep being drawn back to ego and desire and how ruinous those things can be, and they certainly have been in my life, yet I haven't figured a way to break that cycle, because desire is such a heady thing. I think that's one of the key things I've learned during this recent "mental event" is that I need to be watchful of becoming too desirous. It's something I recognized in myself a few years ago, and I thought I had it licked, but I guess I was dead wrong. For me, desire is a thing that is intimately connected to my sense of power and physical fitness. I didn't get to experience it so much last year with Ironman Brazil because my mom had died. But this time around, what the hell, I was feeling on top of the world and so fucking fit and everything was going so well and I felt so in control, and when that all comes together I just become this ball of energy and lust for anything and everything around me, and it can be difficult for me to retain perspective when I most need it. I want to suck everyone into it, because it feels so great. I have to say that even while I was out there at IMLP doing my thing, I just had this sense of energy about me that felt very perfect. Again, one of the reasons I like the Ironman distance so much. To me, it becomes a way of hanging onto that desirous feeling. Which may sound funny, considering I'm not very fast at all, but nonetheless, I enjoy the hell out of it. And then I realize that is a dangerous way to feel because it can't last, you know?
  

Again, this is the tip of the iceberg. I feel honored that I can share what's going on in my head with the blogosphere for whatever it's worth, and I do appreciate any and all observations. They are all good!

There are 2 quotes that I have printed up in large type in my office at home, and they pretty much capture one of the central issues I have with myself, so it's not like I didn't know this stuff already, but I guess I need to keep relearning the same lessons over and over and over and over...in my runup to IMLP this year I certainly wasn't looking for a prize, but I was still definitely in the hunt for satisfaction...

When the archer shoots for no particular prize, he has all his skills;
when he shoots to win a brass buckle, he is already nervous;
when he shoots for a gold prize, he goes blind, sees two targets and is out of his mind.
His skill has not changed, but the prize divides him. He cares!
He thinks more of winning than of shooting, and the need to win drains him of power.
--Tranxu

To achieve satisfaction in everything
Desire it in nothing.
To possess everything,
Desire to have nothing.
To be everything,
Desire to be nothing.
To know everything,
Desire to know nothing.
--John of the Cross