Lost: me
Found: $.02. About how I feel.
Something needs to change, but I haven't figured it out yet. Normally I wouldn't post all this here, but it is part of my overall experience, and I'm pretty open, so what the hell. I've been reading Pam Reed's book, The Extra Mile, and she's pretty open about all her stuff, but I think she found a workable situation for herself--not to mention she's a kick-ass, gifted athlete, which I am not, so I think she has a natural advantage. I thought I had found something that worked for me, but I'm questioning it now. This is not to say that I can't function in my regular life--I have to do that--but there's some kind of hole that's there that's been there before that has opened up again, and I really don't want to fall in. Someone I'm sure will toss out the "committed relationship" card, and that's a nice thought, but I've said it before, that is just not happening and I don't know how to make it happen and besides I had better be good with myself in the first place.
None of this will stop me from going up to Wisconsin this weekend and next. This weekend is all about other people, which is always a good thing. I have to admit I get so wrapped up in all my own shit it's crazy--and very easy to do with the life situation that I have--so moving that focus off of myself will be a good thing. The following weekend, well that should be cathartic, much like when 2 years ago I went and ran a marathon (OK ultrarunners you can laugh your ass off at me) just for the hell of it.
There's this part of me that's not happy unless I'm experiencing physical pain. I know, I know--I rarely speak of training and racing in that vein, yet you have to know there's a lot of times when it just doesn't feel good. But I seem to feel my best when I'm thoroughly exhausted, even if it's from the world's crappiest workout. I think it goes beyond endorphins. I also think I'm borderline manic-depressive, and I got to thinking today that while I got into triathlon for the physical fitness and also to make friends who are into the same thing (which did happen and continues to happen), it's also been happily enabling of my manic-depressive tendencies. So I've got that working for me. And really some days when I don't need to work out at all I just don't know what to do with myself.
And then sometimes I think that when I experience the depressive side which by my nature carries with it excess amounts of mental analysis and what I call "scrolling," that it's just some perverse balancing act that my brain thinks I must do in order to "deserve" all the good stuff that's part of the manic cycle. And that it's necessary to suffer through this because it serves some purpose.
Yes, I've read up about bipolar disorder and don't think I really have it the way some people have it (in case you are wondering, no I do not have suicidal thoughts), but whatever it is that I do have sucks, on average, about 10% of the time. And then it seems like I just come to grips with some form of reality/logic that says I was OK anyway. Only right now it doesn't feel that way, and I wonder if I've been fooling myself all along.
And then there's the aspect of myself that says just be here in the moment even if it sucks right now, because I think that at some level I need to experience that, or else I don't feel human, if that makes any sense. I guess I must have something in common with some artists who feel they must suffer for their art! Sometimes I feel like I must suffer for my own personality!
It's all more complicated than what I just wrote here..this is just the tip of the iceberg, as they say.
And now for the hard part--hitting the "Publish Post" button.
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11 comments:
i think what you're feeling is natural, you're questioning things and that is good. i feel similarly often. and the only thing i can say is continue doing what you're doing - being introspective, doing things that you love - and the answers will come. but one thing for sure, never believe that you don't deserve good stuff. you do.
I don't have a full understanding of everything you wrote but I think I understand a lot of what you are saying. It's not about a committed relationship or being good with yourself- it's gotta be somewhere in the middle.
Enjoy the weekend surrounded by old friends and new friends.
To echo Momo- you are deserving.
Look forward to seeing you this weekend :)
The fact that you were able to push the publish post button speakes volumes. Hope you have a great weekend with friends.
We will have a great time this weekend Sheila..one thing you should know..you are loved by a great many people..including myself!!!
Someone's been smoking crack...
You aren't any (much) nuttier than the rest of us. But you do a good job of articulating it - I get what you're saying.
Sounds like someone needs some cocktails!!! ;)
Hang in there. The only way to figure it out is to stay in the moment, as you mentioned. You are on the right track, whether you know it or not.
thank you for such an honest and open post.
A human being is part of a whole, called by us the Universe, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings, as something separated from the rest a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circles of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.” -Einstein
one thing that occurred to me as I read your post (thanks for hitting "publish", by the way) is that maybe you are managing a manic depressive self by training. I know people who do this, it's a legitimate strategy rather than taking drugs.
Sometimes writing helps me work through things.
Sometimes training helps me work through things.
Sometimes just identifying the "thing" is enough to get the momentum.
regardless - it sounds like you have a full court of people ready to help (whether we are helpful or not is another story)...be well!
Sorry I'm getting to this ost while you're out of town, but you're probably such a wifi addict that you'll be reading this at IMWI :P
In short, I think you're like most of us. Something starts to bug you and you seem off. You keep trying to figure it out, and it seems to get worse, because you can't figure it out. Then you go and do a long or otherwise hard workout and get exhausted and can finally let it go and relax. The only issue is the amount of exercise it takes for you is well, quite a bit :)
Our lives are generally too damn easy. Face it, you won the world lottery. You've got a bed to sleep in, clean running water, all the nutritious food you could want, and a generally low stress life (vs say, oh, living in a war torn area). At times you just need to escape that easy cocoon. For you it's endurance sports.
Final thought: I suspect most people don't feel they are deserving of love/their lives.
Hope this helps, even though I present no answers.
Oh, and as far as committed relationships - damn you Phil Collins - "you can't hurry love. Sometimes you've just got to wait" You're outgoing and social. Be the person you are / want to be and you have the best chance of finding the right person for you (and you being the right person for them)
I know Pam, haven't read the book, but she is probably not as all "together" as maybe she paints herself to be...I know she does admit to losing job/marriage/etc. to running...but she is still at that place as far as I can see. Just to let you know that sometimes our heros/heroines aren't all they are cracked up to be.
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