Updates, Musings, Training, you know the drill

My mom has multiple myeloma--the biggest problem is a tennis-ball sized tumor near her sacrum. She gets 9 days of radiation treatments, and the hope is that they will destroy this incarnation of the cancer and enable her to walk again. Then she moves to an assisted care facility for a few weeks. Then--who knows??? It's going to be one day at a time. The 5-year survival rate for this type of cancer is listed at 32%. My mom has been in bad shape for about 5 years, and this doesn't help any. But, it is what it is. My dad is doing the best he can to care for her. His best is not what I would consider THE best, but I believe it is not my place to meddle. I haven't understood my parents' relationship for the past 40 years, why would I understand it now?

It's funny how when these things happen you realize so fully that each of us ultimately goes through this thing called life alone--we can't be anything more than who we are to another human being. That makes life both beautiful and frustrating. It is beautiful when a person learns to be who they are unconditionally, and separates themselves from what they do, what they have, their physical body, their thoughts, etc. It's frustrating when either we aren't fully ourselves or when we are, when we interact with others who aren't. In some ways, the more I become who I am and less attached to other people, things, my body (we'll get to that later), my thoughts, the more I find it difficult, or maybe it's just fascinating, to deal with those are are much less so. I think that is the root of most failed relationships--people are at different levels of self-awareness. At least that is how I am currently experiencing things. I know it sounds very egotistical and conceited, but that is how it feels to me. The more I become aware of my own self, the more I want to take some people by the shoulders and shake them and tell them to wake the fuck up! But that is not the way to make it happen.

Now back to this physical body thing. I find myself somewhat conflicted in this quest for enlightenment, which includes (in some circles anyway) a move away from focus on the physical body. Yet when I look at myself, and I KNOW others look at me this way, it appears I am ALL ABOUT THE PHYSICAL. I guess I consider the care and use of my body to be the way in which I honor my own sacredness, if that makes sense. It brings out a passion in me that has guided me to this personal search for this Mind of Iron. My younger sister said she figured I would fall apart if I couldn't exercise. I listened to her say it, and wanted to lash out at her and say, "Well, what is YOUR excuse?" But I didn't. I just heard it and said that, yes, I would be saddened if I were unable to do ANYTHING, but that I planned to continue doing so until that eventuality. I hope it's because of death! I dunno--we are given this one vessel in which to house our brains, our spirits, our energy, and I just think it's a good thing to honor it. I've read about the running monks and such, and so I know there is precedent for being very physical yet very spiritual. And that is where I find myself right now.

I have to be honest, I am experiencing extra stress over my mother. Some of it is reconciling the unshakable reality that she is going to pass, and it could be soon. Some of it is me feeling selfishly how is this going to affect me? I have already been handed some guilt on a platter for proceeding with my travel and racing plans. Well until something happens that says I should not, I will keep going.

And that takes me back to my training. I hit things hard last week after feeling mostly recovered from my URI/cough thing. I still have the cough, but it is fading. I'm sure I sound horrible when I start choking while on the treadmill or hanging onto the pool wall, but too bad. I don't feel any shortness of breath or tightness in my lungs, and I sleep well and deeply.

This week I moved my long run to Thursday, i.e., TODAY. On Sunday I ran for 1:35, and I ran for 1:45 today. I forgot how tired that can make my legs. My legs really don't feel all that bad, mostly because I wisely cut my run short yesterday. But running 1:45 and then trying to stay awake at work is just not something I am good at.

I woke up about 5:20, had some coffee and a Power Bar, and managed to stretch for 13' before getting to the gym and ass on treadmill at 6:43. The first 30' of the run did not feel good--my stomach wasn't too happy to have to try and digest, but it will get used to it. I just can't do a workout on a totally empty stomach. While I was feeling this way, I used it as an opportunity to consider how "bad" did I really feel? My legs felt fine, my heart rate was fine. If I feel that "good" at Ironman Brazil on the run I will be just fine! After 30' easy, I started picking up the pace. My right piriformis is acting up a little bit (I think from my 6-day festival of running last Wednesday through this Monday and some intense bike workouts and a little extra stress), and I had a 1.5 hour massage Tuesday night and Wednesday it didn't feel bad when I ran--I was just tired, which was why I cut the run short yesterday. When I stretched this morning, I really focused on my iliopsoas, which is usually the culprit when my piriformis is acting up. I HATE that muscle! I now call it the sloppy muscle--look at an anatomy book to know what I mean. The thing is like this sloppy ropy thing that drapes down your back across your hip down to your groin, and I have no clue what is holding it in place aside from the origin and insertion points. It is the source of many people's back troubles, my own included.

Anyway, I didn't notice anything bad while I was running this morning, and after 1 hour I started drinking my Voodoo mix (1/2 Ultra Violence, 1/2 Gatorade), and that perked me up as expected, and my stomach felt fine, and I even enjoyed the remaining 45' of the run. I got in 20' at upper-steady and 15' at mod-hard, which was fine considering I just smashed a whole lot of training into not so many days (uh--coach knows about this sort of--I keep telling him to tell me what to do before I blow myself up!).

I stretched some more after the run and even got in 36' of abs/core work (in a semi-comatose state, I must say). So now I can head into the weekend with a nice 1 hour swim and 1 hour run tomorrow, and then oh joy, oh joy, TWO LONG RIDES THIS WEEKEND (one including a short brick run afterwards). I am waiting for guidance from my coach on the riding, but I will probably do (2) 2:30 trainer rides with lots of intensity, to get ready for Training Camp next week.

Yee-haw! I can't WAIT to get to South Carolina and meet up with Shelley again. It's been 5 years, both of us have gained tons of Ironman experience, it should be warm, and Brett may even come down to ride with us (of course, if he does, the Prime Directive will be to absolutely SHELL him). There will be plenty of Ultra Violence, beer, Cheetos, pasta and red meat consumed (when I get into the heavy training, I tend to crave big hunks of steak).

Shelley sent me a drawing of my idol, Natasha Badmann. She is lovingly hung on my bathroom mirror over my time goal sheet for Ironman Brazil. So every time I go in there I look at Natasha; then I look at my time goals, and I ask myself, "Am I doing everything I can today towards those goals?" So far has been so good. I don't think I could possibly do more. But now the push is on. I expect to be fatigued often. No problem. I have trained myself to go to sleep by 8:30PM now. So even as the sun comes up earlier and I will naturally wake up at 5AM, I can still get 8.5 hours a night, more on some days of the week. This is the part of the training cycle that I love. Literally all I am doing is eating to train, training, recovering and then that nasty little bit called work. I will do nothing that isn't necessary. Friends understand that I go underground until June. Exciting stuff! Bring it!

I WILL survive all of this.