Friends,
After weeks of ill-health and hospitals, preceded by years of fragility, my mom passed this morning. I was fortunate to be with her, my dad and my sister-in-law at the end. I visited with her most of yesterday, and judging from her condition, I knew that death was imminent. Ultimately, it was congestive heart failure that took her, but it was just the last systemic failure in a long line of complications from diabetes.
The end came quickly, and we hope, comfortably. I had an opportunity to speak with my mom this morning, and whether or not she heard me, this is what I said:
Thanks for letting me become hyper-independent and self-sufficient.
Thanks for letting my intelligence blossom with only gentle nudging, and giving me plenty of tools like flash cards, puzzles and mentally challenging games.
Thanks for encouraging me to seek excellence at the young age of 4 at the piano, that would spill over into every other facet of my life.
Thanks for showing me how strong a person can be in the face of adversity.
And most of all, I let her know that she has been the primary inspiration behind the level I push myself in sport to be the very best that I can be. While she never saw me race, she's been there at every finish line, and I will welcome her spiritual presence again in about 4 weeks. Yes, I am still going to Ironman Brazil. Yes, it might be hard, but it's nothing compared to the suffering my mom just went through. She is no longer suffering. I am not really suffering right now--I would say it's more just the beginning of a grieving process. If you can feel a hole in your heart, I guess that's what I feel! But at the same time, I feel so fortunate that I am so strong, and I know that mom would want me to keep on keeping on to keep myself strong.
As my dad and I were leaving the hospital just an hour ago, he told me to keep everything going. He was on his way to his YMCA, and shortly I'll be on my way to mine. No crying in the pool, you know. And no feeling sorry for myself. I have so much to be thankful for.
I am just so happy that my mom is at peace. She is with her God, and as she was the kindest, gentlest woman I have every known (in contrast to me, and I did apologize to her for that), I can only hope to be as good of a human being.
Peace, and know that I will be OK. Life marches on. Take care of yourself and your loved ones. We only get one body while we are here, treat it well!
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16 comments:
Shelia: My sincere condolences on the passing of your mom. Very heartfelt were your thoughts, I'm sure she heard them. Both my parents passed and never got to see me race. Your mom will be at the finish with you in Brazil. God bless... Tom Santaniello
My heartfelt condolences on the passing of your Mom. I lost my Dad in December under eerily similar conditions. My Dad never saw me race either but he would brag about my modest acheivements to anyone who would listen. I know your Mom will be in Brazil with you - my Dad was with me when I did a marathon about a month after. I ran the second fastest time in my life - which was incredible since my training was minimal. I'm 47 now, ran my fastest was at 20. It seemed so easy and peaceful. She'll be there to see you race as my Dad will be at IMWS.
My condolences Sheila.
I know how hard this is for you right now.
You will be in my thoughts, Greg.
Sometimes death can be a relieve. My condolences.
Sheila,
My condolences on the passing of your mother.
Sheila,
So sorry to hear about the loss of your Mom. You wrote and told her a beautiful eulogy. I hope you find peace from all the memories.
blogger hugs,
Lora
Sheila, rest easy now that she is in a better place and at peace. I hope that you find much inspiration from her life.
I am sure that your IM Brazil performance will reflect her presence at your side.
Sincerely,
Mark
I'm so sorry to hear the news of your mother passing. You will be in my prayers. Good luck in Brazil. God Bless You.
I'm so sorry. Similar to the previous commenter, I've only been reading your blog for a few days, but this post still touched me.
Shelia,
I had a dear friend pass away a couple of weeks ago - practically in my arms during a local race. The grieving process was hard - and I didn't give myself adequate time to process what I was feeling. Instead I used training to hold me steady - but realized only later that I was using it as an escape from what I was really feeling. As another close friend said to me - the only way through something that tragic is straight through. I didn't realize how much I ignored my feelings until racing a week later and crying my brains out. Since then I've accepted my feelings of loss and am now celebrating his life. Just like what you said -your mom would want you to continue doing what your doing with the dedication and passion you've shown and continue to show. Stay strong and don't be afraid to lean on some friends for help. Good luck to you.
Thank-you for writing those words about your mother. The passing of a loved one is always difficult but your attitude is inspiring. Your mother is inspiring. I will carry her spirit with me as well at IM USA.
Good luck at IM Brazil, your mom will be watching you from above.
Sheila,
I am very sorry to hear your mom passed away. I pray that you will continue to train hard for IM Brazil. What a great description of your mother.
I think you showed a lot of strength in this post about your mom and I would expect nothing less from you. Grieving will happen sooner or later, it must. Don't push it down or like a lingering injury it will fester into something more.
Shelia, I am so sorry to hear about your mom. At least she is resting comfortably and not in pain anymore. Yes, I know how the "hole" feels-and it will be there for a long time. Sharing your feelings and thoughts with all of us here will help with your grieving and know that she will be looking down at you during IM Brazil and blowing you kisses which will be your tailwind. Take care. Keep yourself healthy these next few weeks-allow yourself some down time if you need it. You are ready for this race and will do well!
My deepest sympathy to you and your family. Your mom is INCREDIBLY proud of the strong woman you are.
Sheila, I'm so sorry for your loss. It's quite a gift that you were able to tell your Mom all those wonderful things before she passed... I'm sure she heard you, and will be at every future finish line you cross.
(hugs) Tammy
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