Dad's condition deteriorated quickly over the past 2 days, and yesterday (after a run--not yet showered), I had "the discussion" with his primary care physician. I will spare you the details, but at this point, any further treatments are at best invasive, intrusive and hit-or-miss, and at worst, speeding him onwards towards death.
So the PCP and I each had our conversations with Dad, and actually Dad decided for himself before I got the chance to discuss much with him (he has been barely cognizant for the past 2 days) that he did not wish to continue treatment.
I got hospice all set up, and now we wait. I don't think he will make it through this weekend. At least he gets to die with a bit of dignity rather than being 1/2 human, 1/2 machine like some Borg! Although in a way, I know that if he/we knew he could achieve the Borg state without being tethered to machinery, what the hell!
For as much anguish as I had been putting myself through before this all came up in terms of being at the end of my season and figuring out what I want to do, all I can say is this: I will be so grateful if I am physically, financially and logistically able to do another Ironman race! For right now, though, my only moments of being able to take myself away from my Dad's pain is when I am able to sneak in a short workout, and even then I've felt a bit guilty. But I know he would want me to stay healthy, as I must to get through the next few weeks.
Thank you everyone for all your kind words. Should you ever go through this, I am here for you!
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6 comments:
I'll tell you something that someone said to me when my dad died:
"the mental toughness that you use to get yourself though an ultra will get you through this too."
Take care; you are in my thoughts.
ollie
oh, i am so very sad that you and your father are having to go through this right now.
i can tell you from experience, though, hospice is amazing. when my mom was sick - i was the one that finally called them in - and it was the best decision we ever made. they helped us to help her die with dignity.
sending you my prayers and love, be strong - we know that you are - but know there's a whole community of people behind you, thinking about you, sending you comfort right now.
big hugs.
Thoughts and Prayers are with you and your family Sheila!
Hospice is a great organization, I don't know how those folks do what they do, but thankful they are there.
Big Blogger Hugs to you!
Wow. Good job managing such a difficult situation as you have. Like I've said before, its times like this that show you what really hard times are - ultra stuff is easy!
Man, I am so sorry Sheila. My prayers to your father. And one for his caregivers too.
So sorry to hear about this Shelia...I am thinking of you and your family and sending you good energy if needed!
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