My Addiction

As I sit here in my insulin coma preparing to ride, I let my mind spin and spin it does. Why? Why do I do this? All the things running through my mind...2 weeks ago was the 3rd anniversary of my Mom's death...Sunday is Mother's Day and I neither have a Mom nor am one...I feel stressed out but at my own doing...I want to analyze the fuck out of my relationships...I want to just flow through every moment...I long to feel appreciated, loved and valued...I want to be strong, so strong that nothing affects me...but it all affects me deeply--so deeply that I can only think of one way to get away from it all--all the thoughts spinning in my head--everything is the analysis I try to impose on it but everything is nothing it is just the thought that I have about it that causes me distress.

It is my self that I need to obliterate over and over again to the point where maybe, some day, it will no longer exist and I won't need to get away from it. Sometimes I intentionally torment myself by indulging in bizarre, irrational thoughts just to know that I can and that at times I do have control over my thoughts, but then I feel trapped in my own mind and all I can think of is that I have to get away from it--have to make it stop--so that I know that there is something besides going through the motions of my existence--serving, consuming, creating, destroying, loving, hating, enjoying, despising, connecting, breaking apart--that I can access.

So again today I will go to that place in (or is it outside of?) my own head where it is just my body doing its thing with my mind on autopilot just being. The only thing I will think of is to keep moving, keep feeding the machine, and while I may appear to be an unthinking, unfeeling machine, I will become my spirit moving through space and time, and maybe I can capture it and hold onto it a little longer.