The Art of Not Feeling Anything

I was so sick this weekend and hadn't worked out (not what I would call working out) in a few days and guess what I was left with? Nothing. I really can't survive without training, and I can't survive if I'm not healthy enough to train, because training is the only thing that keeps me from offing myself. I mean, literally Saturday I thought I was going to snuff it if I stayed in my house one minute longer so I got on my bike and went for a ride and didn't feel anything--no pain, no joy in riding, just the sensation of movement. But some sort of sensor must have been working because I knew I couldn't just stay out on my bike until dark and my muscles should be tired since I'd been so sick and so I should probably stop, and I was crying so much and couldn't stop and was surprised that the movement wasn't making me feel any better and I was afraid to go home because then I would be there alone again with my thoughts and feeling like crap. I lost my smile.

But I went home and grilled some stuff just so I was still DOING something, even managing a fake smile to my neighbors (who probably think I'm a complete and total loser) and maybe I wouldn't have to think so much, and I should have been really hungry because I never did eat lunch so I should have needed two full meals, but I put some stuff on a plate and it looked like a lot of food, and I think I ate almost a complete meal.

I guess right now I'm sort of still sorting things out, but I did figure out that I need to be healthy to train and I need to train in order not to feel, but how long is that going to last? I can't imagine myself (as I found out this last week) not being able to do as much as I like to do, so what does that mean?

So yesterday I managed to get on my bike again and was crying most of the time even while going fast (for me). I never thought I could do that, so I guess this is a new skill. I would stop crying for a little bit, and think OK, I'm fine now, but then it wouldn't last very long. I had wanted to ride more than I did, but I knew I should probably stop when I must have blacked out momentarily (and no, I have not been drinking a lot I had like 2 beers on Saturday night) thankfully while going slow, and just sort of fell over on some gravel (or so it seemed when I found myself on the ground with my bike on top of me), and it didn't hurt at all, and I'm not sure if I banged my head or not. I had this sense that I had probably hurt myself, since falling into gravel usually hurts (especially when you are wearing nothing but a swimsuit--why? Because if I do race this Sunday, it might be cool and I will probably be dressed the same way), but I wasn't feeling any pain. I got back up and noticed the gravel had done a number on my left brake lever, but other than that the bike was fine. There was some gravel on the left side of my back and shoulder, and I just brushed it off.

I took my left index finger and ran it over the brake with a lot of pressure and got a sliver of metal in my finger. I looked at it, and it didn't hurt, but I knew I had to get it out of there, but remembered I had a tetanus shot just 2 years ago when I was bit by a dog, so no worries there. And I rode a little more, had some more tears (I wonder if crying so much makes you dehydrated?), put the bike away and got ready to run or at least try.

Now running, that demands your attention. I have not figured out how to run, breathe and cry all at the same time so at least I got a respite from the crying. And then when I got back home, I should have been really hungry again since I'd missed lunch again, but I just wasn't that hungry, but I put all this food onto 2 plates and ate maybe 1/3 of it and I think I eventually finished it in the middle of the night.

I was more concerned with digging the sliver out of my finger than eating. I sterilized a sewing needle and started working on it. No pain, I mean ZERO. I could have just stuck that needle all the way through my finger and wouldn't have felt it. That accomplished, I got in the shower. I noticed what I thought was a grease streak on my right ankle (from the fall), and began washing it off with soap, and what do you know, there was a cut under it--not too bad, but it had bled and I had not felt a thing.

Then I had some food, but not a lot, and then I got really cold and got under a blanket and listened to some music for awhile, and figured I should mow the lawn (again, where was my logic?), so I put on long pants and a long shirt to do that.

I tried to read some of the Sunday paper, but I just couldn't concentrate on it. I think I must have cried all my tears out because finally I became rather calm and felt like I could sleep. I wanted to sleep and not wake up.

But I did wake up this morning, and instead of my usual bound out of bed because I'm so happy to face the day (Mondays usually being my favorite day of the week), I just sort of got out, noticed it was raining, started the coffee and decided I would try and swim. I hadn't swum all last week, thinking I just couldn't do it. When I put on my swimsuit, I noticed that I guess I got sunburned yesterday. I never did feel that at all last night. Usually I feel a sunburn during the night, especially on my back.

It was raining and cool, so no outdoor pool yet, and the water was too warm at the Y as usual, and I got in and swam like for God's sake totally crappy. I guess my lungs are still not 100%, and usually when I'm swimming I think about, well, swimming or stuff I have to do, but all I could think about was death. Like what would it feel like to just start drinking the pool water until I couldn't drink any more? But I kept swimming and breathing, swimming usually feels good to me. I felt like I just had to do it today, though--see if maybe I could just let go and not think and just swim. And I realized that I have to get my Dad's estate closed, and that is important, and so I am making a plan to get that done.

I did a cursory search to see if maybe what's going on in my head is a side effect of the antibiotics that I am on. Didn't come up with anything conclusive. I really would like to feel some pain other than my lungs not working. Will try running now.