Moving Towards Something

This post is going to be a mish-mash of a few ideas swirling around in my head.

First off, don't anyone be misled into thinking that the way *I* recover from an Ironman is normal. I train a lot, I don't taper as much as many people, I may have less stress than some people, and I know my body and what I can do. I need to continue to exercise caution lest I end up with some injury.

Why do we make such a big deal about an Ironman? Because we spend so much of our free time preparing for it. But this much I know is true--fairly soon once the race is over, nobody cares much about what time you did it in or how gargantuan of a task it seemed to be. It's now in the past, and finishing an Ironman is just nowhere near the big deal of other life events like getting married or divorced, having a baby, or experiencing the death of a loved one (I've never done the baby thing, but trust me, I observe what a big deal it is!).

Many big life events, whether you want them to or not, move you towards something. Towards a new stage in life, towards the realization you have to deal with profound emotions. Finishing a race, even an Ironman, in and of itself, moves you away from the process you were just immersed in, when considered on its own. Yet many people report that the experience of completing the race is life-changing.

I disagree. What is life-changing is what you did leading up to it. Maybe you changed your lifestyle. Maybe you took stock and simplified where you could to make room for this. Maybe in the process of your self-absorption, you fucked up one or more relationships, or maybe they were headed in that direction regardless. Maybe you made new friends that were able to accompany you along in your journey.

Soon after the race is over, we think about our finishing time, the day spent doing the race, all that good stuff I've already written about. Then our thoughts turn to what now, what did that all mean, where am I going now? As it should. And we begin the longing to move towards something again. It doesn't need to be another race, though. It can be moving back towards people and activities that were neglected during training. It can mean remembering that there is, in fact, more to life than triathlon, or perhaps in my case, it can mean I want to do more and bigger.

I fully realize that I do not fit the "normal" mold. Why I want to see how far I can take myself physically is at times a mystery to me. And that is fine. Why there are people who look at me and tell me I'm inspirational is funny to me. I am just doing something I enjoy doing for some perverse reason. Then there are people who look on me with disdain (I was actually dissed on the Slowtwitch.com forum last week for having a "LOOK AT ME" blog about my training and such), again for just being who I am. And there are those who seem to enjoy the energy of me, but fail to see or try to connect with, the actual person underneath all that. I can't control what other people think of me, and while I appreciate objective and constructive feedback on my actions, many people find it too difficult to set aside their emotional reactions to do it. I do appreciate it, though, when a close friend is able to tell me I'm acting like an ass or I'm being too hard on myself (emotionally). We can all use governors, but most of mine are inside my own head.

I knew several years ago when I began reading first person accounts by extreme endurance athletes (I don't consider myself extreme) that there were a number of personality traits that we share. It's hard for me to describe except to say that you know it when you see it. Aside from that, I have to work at "normal" things like being social, even to the extent I write this blog. While some people would rather I didn't, because it exposes a lot of the essence of me which can be scary, I keep doing it because writing helps me figure myself out, and that is effectively what I am trying to do through endurance sports. It's just my thing.

So what am I moving towards? Understanding myself and defining how the next few years of my life are going to go. I may have gotten better at this Ironman thing, but I have a ways to go in my personal life, as there I seem to make the same mistakes over and over again. Although I do learn something new each time, and at some point in your life you just accept yourself with all your faults and realize in the end we are all going to die anyway, so you may as well do things you enjoy doing just for their own sake!

I am full of all sorts of faults and there are so many things I could do better, and at heart, I am a perfectionist, and thankfully, I've learned to let go of a lot of that, otherwise I'd be a basket case! So I guess for now I will just continue to fumble along, thinking that my next big thing will help me figure out more about myself, make me feel less frightened by the world and all the hurt it can cause, and begin and end each day in a peaceful state of mind.

I had a conversation with a friend about talking to God or your spiritual higher power--whatever you want to call it. And the subject came up about asking the higher power for help or favors. During the conversation, I didn't really think so much about it, but since that time I did, and I tend not to ask for help or favors very often. It usually takes the form of "help me find the strength that I have inside myself to deal with this situation." I tend to think I draw all my energy from within myself. Yet I realize that there are a few friends that I have that act as catalysts to help me find it, and I am grateful for it.

Enough for now--I need to go and swim!