I Am Not Soft

I got a chuckle out of an Anonymous comment, telling me that his/her view of me was "softened" by reading my previous post.

Interesting...blogging is like a one way conversation. I'M TALKING TO YOU. So unlike an actual conversation where there is back and forth and questions being asked, on a blog, it's up to the writer to reveal whatever he/she likes, and then those readers who are into passing judgment can base their judgment on what the blogger chose to write.

So apparently Anonymous prefers "soft" people. I have no clue what Anonymous' definition of a "soft" person, but I can hazard a guess. If you are married with children, you get an automatic bye. If you have a lot of drama in your life and you write about it, you get an automatic bye. If you are struggling with your weight/station in life/career/personal relationships and you write about it, you get an automatic bye. If you are depressed, are or were addicted to controlled substances, you get an automatic bye. If you are good at small talk and you write it down in your blog, then you get an automatic bye.

So I guess I'm not soft. But I don't feel "hard" either, not that I would know how to define that. Maybe the word that Anonymous is looking for is unapproachable. Certainly my blog is open for anyone and everyone to comment on or even send me email. So I've left that option open. I've had a few good digs sent my way, and I am most happy to publish them.

What can I say about myself if I'm not soft?

• I am single
• I don't have children
• My life is, I'm afraid, bereft of drama
• I suck at small talk. I do try to be more of a people person, but small talk has eluded me my entire life.
• I don't struggle with my weight and to my knowledge have no major health issues (unless you consider trying to keep myself mechanically sound an issue)
• I'm OK with being part of the American middle class, living comfortably but by no means rich
• My career is thankfully stable
• My personal relationships are as good as they can be, considering the amount of effort I put into them and the fact that I am basically a loner
• I tend to immerse myself in whatever "project" is currently taking my fancy. In the past, I've immersed myself in academics, piano playing, crocheting, sewing, weight training and gardening. That is how I got good at them. That is how ANYONE gets good at something, isn't it? I should put a smiley face on that statement so I don't offend those of you who think I'm not "soft." My current project is triathlon and the (my) human body.

What I typically write about here is what I consider the most interesting and exciting part of my life. My job is, well, my job. My friends are my friends, and they know me and my quirks. My family is what it is--probably no more or no less dysfunctional than many. I've "conquered" many of my hobbies, and if they were front and center in my life right now, I would write about them, but they aren't, so I don't. In some ways, I'm an intensely private person, and when I first started writing this blog, I didn't want to share it with anyone. The only reason I did was at the urging of a friend. I am not blogging to be popular or liked. I am just writing, much like a diary. Many days I think I am very boring. But at least I'm boring WITH GOALS!

In 2005 and early this year, there were some things I experienced that were deeply personal to me, but I wrote about them here. I DNF'ed an Ironman race. I had a brief bout of mild depression. I euthanized my beloved cats. My Mom died. I broke off a relationship with a very close friend (I had hoped it was temporary, but alas, she wants no part of reconciliation). I guess in the big scheme of things these are not personal enough or infused with enough drama for some readers of this blog to feel that I am indeed a soft person with emotions? We all have problems of one sort or another, and we just do the best we can. Perhaps I don't make a big enough deal out of my own troubles. But then again, how would you, a reader of this blog, know that? Remember, this is not a conversation.

Here are some other things that might be of interest to those of you who've never had a chance to engage in actual conversation with me:

• I'm a bleeding heart liberal. Dubya is an idiot and sucks.
• I recycle everything I possibly can. If you don't, what's your excuse?
• I do not water my lawn or my flower beds in times of drought or just because I would like things to be a bit more green. Clean water is a precious commodity that we in the U.S. take for granted. If something can't live on whatever rainfall it receives, tough. I don't want to grow things that require extra water than what falls from the sky.
• I take very short showers. Considering that many days I am taking 2 of them, I am consuming plenty of water in the quest for cleanliness, so I may as well keep them as short as possible.
• I keep my hair cut short because I like it that way, but also it means I don't have to spend so much time in the shower washing it or use any electricity to dry it, and there are no aerosol products leaching CFC's or whatever they are now into the air.
• I am passionate about whatever currently holds my interest. Triathlon is like that for me, but more than that it's physical fitness and learning about my body. When in a M/F relationship, I am just as intense about that as I am about triathlon. Ah--there's that word--intense. To Anonymous, intense must be the opposite of soft. Soft is fine for some people. I like my intensity, though. I can be soft at times, but unless it's around someone who knows me VERY well, it might not appear to be very soft.
• I'm very analytical (gee, could you guess by the bullet points?).
• I like word puzzles--Jumble, crosswords and the like. I don't like Sudoku, though, because I was a mathematics major in college and was into theoretical stuff so pure numbers don't interest me much.
• Except for prime numbers. Those are cool. My Dad is obsessed (literally) with prime numbers and how they enter into all sorts of theorems. I suppose I inherited the prime number fancy gene from him.
• I love all the James Bond movies.
• My favorite movie is The Sound of Music, then The Wizard of Oz and then A Clockwork Orange.
• I was raised Catholic, and believe in a God of some sort (stuff has to originate somehow), but believe in evolution and that scientists are higher beings than politicians. I now consider myself Christian with some version of Buddhist thrown in there.
• Even though I sucked at it (one of the few things I sucked at in school), I still love physics. The stuff that nature pulls on us is way more fascinating than whatever we come up with most of the time.
• I am not afraid of bugs, and have no issue killing spiders in my house, but I tend to leave the white ones alone, and only destroy the dark colored varieties.
• I love eathworms, and will gladly carry those out in the open to dirt.
• The middle finger on my left hand has a broken tip from softball.
• My eyes are hazel.
• I am not a natural blond.
• I have never had stitches on my body.
• I had not broken a bone in my body until I was 38, and then I broke the radius in my right arm after I skidded on some gravel while rollerskating drunk (this was in the early stages of my divorce). I also suffered a concussion, and had some interesting blacking out episodes the next day.
• I was raped once and mugged once.
• I have had 2 abortions and vehemently support a woman's right to choose what to do with her body.
• I had some (for that decade) pretty wild sexual experiences in my 20's.
• I could not do a cartwheel until I was in the 7th grade.
• I did not go to prom in high school.
• I enjoy working hard at triathlon just to see how good I can get at it. But I also know I will move onto something else eventually.
• I have been fat--not obese, but still fat.
• I have been depressed. VERY depressed. I know what it's like, and exercise is a form of prevention for me. So is learning to live in the moment, as I believe it's impossible to be depressed if you are truly experiencing every moment (unless it's chemically based depression).
• I've done my share of recreational drugs. And yes, I DID inhale.
• I used to smoke cigarettes. For 10 years, then I quit for 10, then I took it up again for 2 and then I quit forever (in 1999).
• Love is a wonderful thing, but I have found that knowledge and acceptance of self transcends it.

If there's anything anyone wants to know about me, just ask.

And yes, I'm OK with not being judged soft.

Time to get on my bike.