I Don't Want to Jinx Myself

I guess I was getting used to feeling so badly and then there's all the usual expected (from what I read) feelings during grief of feeling guilty about feeling good that I've been reluctant to say that I'm getting on with my life and doing a lot better.

Yet I know something must be happening because so far (knock wood) I've been able to sleep well this week, I've started having good dreams (last night's included Peter Reid, of all people), I wanted to do an actual swim workout today instead of just lazy-ass drills, I want to look at the power meter on the bike and hit specific numbers, and (gasp!) I want to order new running shoes.

I know people have different ways of dealing with difficulties in their lives, but for me, exercise is salvation. I no longer look for some ultra-special meaning that I think should be there, or how the dots all get connected--that's just how it is for me. I suppose I could go to a shrink and have a conversation like this:

Shrink: So why are you here?
Me: I want to find out if there is a deeper meaning to this need I seem to have for large amounts of exercise.
Shrink: Does exercise make you feel good?
Me: Yes, very much so.
Shrink: Why do you think that is?
Me: Because I feel relaxed afterwards and problems don't seem to bother me as much and I can eat a little bit more or not be so worried about exactly what it is I eat and I think I look better and I think I meet really interesting people doing it and hell, riding my bike is just plain fun and sometimes so is running and swimming, well that's a skill I'm not that good at but I am always working on it because somehow I think it's good for my brain, but maybe sometimes I do it to escape from thinking about my own problems.
Shrink: Wow--that's a lot of things about exercise that seems to make you feel good. I hear there are claims that it's good for your overall health, too. Now let's talk about that escape thing.
Me: Is it wrong to want to escape from the trap that is our brain and thinking all the time and focusing on all that's wrong?
Shrink: Some people think meditation is a good way to calm down the mind.
Me: So what if exercise is meditation for me? Does that make it OK?
Shrink: Do you think it hurts you?
Me: I suppose there are times when I would rather go ride my bike instead of some social activity.
Shrink: Do you think you need more social activity?
Me: Probably. But I have no idea if I'm better or worse off than the average person. Sure, sometimes I wish I was in a committed relationship, but the ones I've had I messed up, and this current arrangement seems to work for me somehow. I think some people think that because I like the exercise so much that I wouldn't make room for a committed relationship, but that's simply not true. Apparently I had time to be an Executor for my Dad, which is something I just added to my life, yet I don't feel like I've subtracted anything. Plus, I know at some point that I will slow down and not want to do as much exercise, but maybe by then it will be too late? Sometimes I think I exercise so that I don't have to think about that!

So...I go through this thought process every 2-5 years (more frequently in the last 10, I'd say), and right now I can't come up with a better life model for myself. Can my life be better? Of course. Am I doing everything I can to make it better? Maybe not, but I'm doing what I can. And that's really all I can do.

I'm not sure how this came out...it seemed to be just my fingers typing!