Rough around the edges

Someone pinged me to find out what's going on with me.

Well, it's only 3 months since my Dad died, and I am doing a lot better than a month ago. But I guess not as well as I thought. It's really a rollercoaster ride. I can say that I have never gone through something so challenging before in my life. Losing someone you love is bad enough, but this whole Executor thing is a time drain--not just the actual time I spend doing the stuff, but it's the psychic aftermath, i.e., the stress, that is not too good. Add to that the fact that I truly believe I suffer from S.A.D. (Seasonal Affective Disorder), and that we've been getting quite a bit of snow regularly, and moving it around takes time and energy, too, and there are just a lot of things putting stress on me. I know there are folks who have far worse life circumstances, but right now that doesn't comfort me one iota. It's MY life, dammit, and I get to feel how I want about it.

I am the eternal optimist, however, as I know that things have gotten and will continue to get better. I spoke with a grief counselor, and she asked me whether I felt I'm depressed. Hell yeah! Severely so? No. I think it's probably a "normal" amount given my situation right now. A month ago there were days when I just didn't know how I was going to get through them. That is mostly gone. I am mostly able to sleep well. But I still hate winter, I still feel like I'm drowning in fucking paper, I still feel like I have to check whatever other people say they are going to do because there are a lot of fuck ups going on, and hey, I'm a control freak and perfectionist, so that kind of shit drives me nuts.

Whew, that felt good to say!

I am getting in some training--the one thing I've been consistent about is lifting weights. Isn't that funny? And then I've been getting a lot of extra strength work with the snow moving. I know that March is just around the corner, which means less cold, less snow, and yes, more running outdoors. I can't tell you how many times I would have swum except that I needed to clear snow which meant swimming had to go, or else I would have needed to get up at like 4AM to shovel, which I am not about to do--I need all the sleep I can get right now.

Once the weather settles and I get through "tax season" (oh the joy of dealing with someone else's taxes in addition to my own), I will hopefully plan a trip somewhere warm and paper-free. It will be a start, and that's what I feel like I need right now--a fresh start.