Sickness and Grief

I've been swimming in emotions since just before my birthday, since last year at that time is when my Dad took ill, and then next came his birthday, and 2 days ago the one year anniversary of his death.

I came back from PCB having had a nice time away from these thoughts, although I cried my eyes out on the balcony the night before I left in anticipation of the death anniversary. And since I've been having all the remodeling done in my house and people occupying it, I've had another distraction from my own emotions.

I had another good cry on Monday after returning from PCB, but it wasn't that bad, because I was so tired from lack of sleep that it kind of balanced things out.

Tuesday, the death anniversary, was surprisingly calm for me, and it really made me feel good to be with some of my family.

Wednesday morning I woke up to feeling sick in the same way I was last year at Thanksgiving. I knew that it was a result of all the grief and emotional processing, and I didn't think I would ever feel that awful again, but there it was. I managed to get through the work day OK since the contractors had returned so I didn't really have the freedom to walk around and cry, and I also didn't have the freedom to just lay in bed and be physically sick! I felt so awful at one point, that I could feel my eyelids trying to shut on me just to block everything out, even if I didn't sleep. I laid in bed for about 15 minutes so my eyes could shut and I could be in the moment with both the physical and emotional pain, but then got up and back at work because I had to.

On Wednesday afternoon, I was busy working and listening in on a conference call and web broadcast, and within minutes of one another I got phone calls from the estate lawyer and a grief counselor that has been following up with me over the past year (I've requested this to continue for a few months). I couldn't talk to either of them right then, and at the same time I wanted to scream and cry and tell them everything that has been going on and how sad I am and how helpless I feel.

Yesterday I was finally able to speak with the grief counselor, and I explained to her that I had become physically sick, and felt just like I did a year ago when the immediate pain of grief was on me. She assured me that all of this is normal, that the death anniversary is a trigger that sets you back. I told her that my triggers began about 2 weeks ago, and now I get to continue on into Thanksgiving and Christmas, although I've been through them once without my Dad. Last year the holidays were absolutely terrible. I am really hoping it's not as bad this time around, because I feel absolutely awful, and I don't think I can handle another 2 months of this. I told her I've been effectively unable to train the way I want to, which just compounds the bad feelings even further. She was kind enough to remind me that I had come a long way since a year ago and that all of these feelings I'm having now are perfectly normal.

Normal! Big fucking deal! It's normal to feel like complete and total crap! The counselor told me that this will pass, too. In my heart I know it will, and I know that every little thing that goes wrong right now just amplifies the feelings I'm having, and that there's nothing I can do about anything external to me, even though those things are stressing the hell out of me. I am trying to dig deep into my heart and soul and convince myself that things are going to be OK again--that I will feel alive, hopeful and happy. That is all I want for the time being. Right now I feel dead, hopeless and very sad. I am doing the things that I need to do to be alive--that's about it. Writing stuff down helps in a way because it helps me capture a point in time. I know that when I am speaking with friends about myself that I do not have much clarity, and I'm swinging between one thing and the other, changing my mind on decisions that I thought were solid, and being generally dysfunctional, much like I felt a year ago.

I slept maybe 2 hours last night. I am pretty drained. At least today, though, there will be no other people in my house. If I need to decide to call in sick to work today, I can do that. My eyes already want to close on me but not to sleep just to not see and not feel.

I am very frightened of Thanksgiving coming up because my house stuff will be finished, and I'll be left here, all alone, with something that I should be enjoying, right? And then I'll jump right back into remembering that Dad isn't here, but maybe I can remember 2 years ago when he and I shared Thanksgiving dinner in my home. Maybe I'll cook what I cooked for him then. I know I'll always remember how much he loved me and wanted me to be happy.

I'm trying. It's very difficult right now, but I'm trying.