Deserving Happiness

Ever have one of those days when everything feels perfect? Your frame of mind, your health, your self-esteem, your financial security, your outlook for the future? When you feel relaxed yet excited, productive yet lazy, fortunate yet deserving?

I am having one of those days today.

When you're having one of those, ever have the simultaneous sense that something HUGE must be about to go wrong, and that maybe you don't deserve to feel this great, that somehow you are about to be punished for some misstep?

I had those thoughts briefly, but have decided to plow ahead with the good stuff.

In the past, when I would have the sense of everything being perfect, I would literally not allow myself to revel in it because I feared the bottom would fall out. When I would fear the bottom falling out, it would be just as bad as the bottom actually falling out, because whatever we think we tend to experience emotionally and neurologically (stress, eh?).

Is my life really perfect? No. There are some things missing from it that would be nice to have, and I'm not talking about money or possessions. But today, right now, it feels perfect.

Maybe it's because I was wise enough to tone things down a bit this week on training.

Maybe it's because my massage therapist and I have worked through an issue in my left upper back that allowed me to swim 5 seconds faster per 100 yards yesterday!!! And that on insufficient sleep!

Maybe it's because my new bike is coming together.

Maybe it's because it's springtime, and my bulbs and plants are beginning to poke through the ground, which means flowers are on their way!

Maybe it's because I've done a good deal of spring cleaning and my house is in "order."

Maybe it's because the weather is breaking and I rode my bike outside twice this week and may do it again today. I am reminded of just how much I love riding my bikes, how much I love being fit enough to ride fast, how I know I'm enjoying myself on a ride when I'm drooling slightly, when my legs are burning yet I have this perverse grin across my face (is she really smiling or is she gritting her teeth?).

Maybe it's because last spring I was so concerned with my Mom's condition and an upcoming Ironman and this spring feels like a cakewalk in comparison.

Maybe this feeling is because I'm racing tomorrow, and I really could care less how I match up against SBH, because even though she's beating me, I am still racing damn well considering I shouldn't even BE in race shape this soon. And I know I have put in 8 solid weeks of fairly hard-core training to prepare for Triple T.

Maybe this feeling is because I have been getting more sleep this week. Sleep tends to make or break me, and I have to honor my body's needs.

Maybe this feeling is because I have been eating a higher than usual amount of fat this week--avocados, cheese, steak, butter and even a little chocolate (I had to get some Fannie Mae Cream Eggs, damn the holiday candy makers!). I tend to eat so little fat much of the time that I neglect to treat myself, but realize now that I'm able to handle things in moderation.

In the end, why I feel this way is irrelevant. I am hereby turning off the analytical part of my brain and am going to proceed to continue on having a perfect day. I've already eaten breakfast, done the dishes, gathered up ingredients for tonight's cooking (Scallops Double Pepper Sauce from my Tabasco cookbook and Penne Puttanesca from a garlic-specific cookbook, so plenty of flavor in both dishes), planned out what I need to get done today, and now I'm going to get ready to ride.

Today is a fabulous gift that I've received, and the word "deserve" is irrelevant. It really is about Carpe diem!